Dating Games: Pursuit and Retraction

You’re hooked- not by who they are now, but who they were before. The guy who texted you every morning and couldn’t wait to see you. The woman who showed you affection and said she’d never 'felt like this before.' What happened? It’s the game of pursuit and retraction.
Work with me: susanwinter.net/consultation/
The Dating Games Guide: You know you're being played, but what's the game?
And what's your countermove?
Not to worry. I’ve got you covered: susanwinter.retrieve.com/stor...
The Older Women | Younger Men Dating Guide:
Dating a younger man and wondering if it will last?
Attracted to an older woman and not sure how to make your move?
Answers to all your age gap questions: susanwinter.retrieve.com/stor...
Rough breakup?
Check out: Breakup Triage; The Cure for Heartache
Audible: www.audible.com/pd/Self-Develo...
Amazon: www.amazon.com/Breakup-Triage...
Wondering how to benefit from life's challenges?
Allowing Magnificence; Living the Expanded Version of Your Life
www.amazon.com/dp/1479176087?...

[@kellarenna]

This hurts. Happened to me for the first time. I had no idea people behaved like this. Huge blow to your self esteem. It makes me not want to trust or try with anyone.

[@alexjohnson2948]

That’s exactly what happened to me. First 3 months he was fabulous. After that started ghosting . When I asked oh no it’s my work I’m busy etc. Wasted another 3 months of my life until I found him back active on online dating apps.

[@LMCEK]

Yes. "Phase One" happened to me exactly as described with the last guy I dated. It took a long time and cutting him off completely to resolve my feelings and disappointment. We may not have worked out but I KNOW that he respected me when I would not allow him to bread crumb or use me. I'd rather be "the one that got away" instead of "the one who didn't know when to leave"❤️

[@never2late362]

❤️

[@debragoforth4738]

I totally agree 👍

[@debragoforth4738]

Great video!! 👍

[@lovelyjoy.01]

Spot on, sometimes it's best to walk away and focus on yourself

[@newyrnewme7609]

Just had this realization this morning. I officially blocked them this morning. I feel if they can play with my emotions they don’t deserve any explanation or closure. Good bye foolishness.

[@theemperor2017]

THEM??

[@newyrnewme7609]

Yes, “Them.” That’s anyone that disturb my peace, that can be an ex, a family member, suppose to be friend, you name it.

[@happysinger23]

I want to be more like you Susan! so confident, classy but still warm! What a beautiful energy!

[@livelovelaughforever2131]

That was incredibly helpful to me. Thank you! I have been dating someone who is an expert at phase 1 and then pulls back and stops contact after about 1-2 months saying we are “just friends.” He came back around and I gave him one more chance. Did the same wonderful phase 1 again. This time even MORE INTENSE....and then he is gone again. Said he is not feeling comfortable and blocked my number. I let him do all the calling and planning the second time around so he could pace things himself and he did it to me again. All done! I am not trying this again. No way. I feel very devalued. Never had a physical relationship either so he wasn’t just using me for that. There is someone else on the sidelines who has shown a little interest. Not as charismatic. Not as dashing and confident or well dressed. Much more in touch with his feelings and more humble. I have over looked him and after watching your video....I am going to give him an opportunity. Thank you SO MUCH.

[@sundancer7381]

It may be the intensity......lead to rebound. Who knows what is going on?

[@bm9152]

Oh Susan, what would we do without you! I don’t think I could have gotten through this past year without listening to your videos. Thank you 🙏😘😘 love from England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

[@ameerahrashada4515]

I love to watch your videos because you hit the nail right on the head!

[@thisispi1491]

Ameerah Rashada right!?

[@UnexpectedWonder]

Truly!

[@imani933]

This happened to me last week and I was so bewildered... I just had to cut all contact with him. Thank you for this video Susan!

[@Its_a_mystery77]

imani933 same... I had to block him from all communication, unfortunately I work with him but hopefully he will just stay away. I am angry and hurt but we are savages and we will get through.

[@philipc4353]

Dated a woman for 3 months and then she started to back pedal and then eventually disappeared. With no explanation. I've been a lot more cautious since and have trained myself to not get too attached even when things are going great, because it could all end without any warning or explanation.

[@YouTubeUzername]

@@philipc4353 you did something

[@Mel-so4ou]

Yes! You are right. Most people have stage 1 down, but we're looking for the following stages (1, 2, 3, etc.) with the right partner!

[@moonbysa]

walk! mic drop. Thank you Susan!

[@milkywaypride99]

It all goes back to self worth. Its not so much of look what this person did to me, it’s more will I tolerate this behavior? All the high self-asteem people in the chat saaaaay.......... Hell no!🙂

[@kerri.janelle]

This is the realest ish on KZbin! Thank you Susan!

[@rahilkarimlou5010]

That was just on time and brilliant! Thank you!

[@MB-qm2re]

Susan, you are amazing. You know it so well.

[@ThatkidwithCP]

Susan, you are so good at helping me be able to remind myself I'm awesome when I watch your videos.

[@Lee73Lee]

Watching videos like these from you has helped me so much. I was left dazed & confused and felt traumatized when phase 2 came. Thanks for helping explain this phenomenon-I’ll know to be more cautious and vigilant going forward now that I know this is a thing people do!

[@saragordon3917]

Bless you Susan!!! You are so spot on!

[@michaelives1018]

Your clarity is comforting and inspiring. Thank you for sharing with us, so much important information. It really helps.

[@avalonmist254]

After dating for 10 years this last dating game has been so draining I'm about to give.up. I'm 59 and very tired of meeting these liars. Done

[@beatasz.8293]

Me too.

[@schneefritz]

Maybe it would help you to take some time off from dating. That could help

[@goddesoflibraries]

I hear you! Ive been through the same thing. Almost 10 years of online dating. Last 'relationship' I was "love bombed" for a year and a half. There was a slow fade and then a ghosting. So hard to move on. ..but we can learn from everything and Susan gives wonderful advice. I'm seeing a good therapist to help navigate the battlefield. I'm older than you and I'm not giving up yet!!!

[@trulaallen5590]

Meeee too! So tired of it all. Im getting so used to being by myself lately.... and you know what??? Im REALLY liking it MORE N MORE! =)

[@davidnelson4630]

So glad I checked this video out..Susan and her wisdom continue to amaze me. Looks like I need an eye exam to get past this stage with the women I meet. Thanks for the sound advice once more Susan, you are the BEST!

[@HaleyKristen]

Your videos are so comforting to me. Even if the subject doesn’t apply to me at the moment, I always learn something from you and remember to apply it to my life. At some point I’ll use it! I enjoy your wonderful advice and comforting way. Thank you for such great videos!!

[@abbeyjanegreen703]

You are one of the very few female dating coaches that I can stand listening to. Thank you xoxo

[@daveneedle9889]

Love this channel. Thanks for the info. x

[@samboriboun7866]

Every time I have no answers Susan is right there! She is the best dating coach in the world here I was crying and after seeing this video I wiped my tears away and took charge of my life frm today I will never be with a phase one man

[@alexandravtensek1216]

Great video Susan. You explained it so well. I had one experience like this many years ago. Wish I had known to walk away. I do now!! I have come to a point in my life where I do not engage in negative behaviour with anyone.

[@domt4588]

I really needed this! He was so into it and now he seems to be busy and doing major bread-crumbing. I’m done. Focusing on me. I pulled back myself.

[@Andrea-sl8wd]

Some dating coaches say he will come back...if he does, it's too late and game over. Exactly as you said I will not accept that crap in a relationship of any kind. Thank you for your perspective, I agree. 💜

[@jimstevens1726]

You described it perfectly. I was sucked in by a dorky divorcee. I helped her and cared about her. Then she went into phase two. She came back as friends, then did it again. Four years later and she has done this countless times. Amazing that I put up with it when I don't need her.

[@Oceanusnovas-um2zf]

This was awesome and informative. Thank you, Susan. Blessings

[@beccawhite1887]

Simple. Straightforward. On point. We know our worth, we just need to hold hard and fast to it. Walk, walk, walk. ❤

[@etherealdeal1792]

I can’t thank you enough for your advice and guidance

[@rhysgilbert5942]

Excellent advice. Straight to the point. Keep up the great work.

[@ram201pa]

Nailed it, Susan. Good job.

[@morebacon1780]

Susan. You amaze me. Spot on again.

[@smuccilicious]

You’re amazing Susan!

[@debragoforth4738]

Helpful video. Thanks 😊

[@marilynrose4977]

You have the best content & are fabulous at delivering it. Thank You 🙏🌟

[@cindymontgomery1983]

Wow! Did I ever need this as I'm going through this right now. Thank you, Susan! I've finally come to the conclusion that he definitely has a personality disorder. He has phase 1 nailed to perfection and then bolts to the next one. And then tries to come back again. Sad and pathetic, really. He is a tormented soul.

[@Th3Fab3]

I think I'm going through this...it was traumatizing when he suddenly started backpedaling. Then tried calling 2 mos later, disappeared again, but still leaving crumbs on social media, then 2 mos later calls me on my birthday. Texts after 2 days, then gone again. I don't think I can do another full 1st cycle. I was going mad figuring out what I did...but it's not me!

[@cindymontgomery1983]

I've been down this road with him several times. He's so good at making me think "this time he's got it together." And each time it does get better--and then out of nowhere it happens again and I would be left wracking my brain wondering what mistake I made this time. I finally started believing the problem is HIM and this video proves it. Clarity is relief and freedom! I've cut all ties with him--forever this time. This is HIS issue, not mine, and I don't deserve this. And neither do you!

[@speciallion1135]

Bloody brilliant, thank you 🙏 after 32 years, I have been widowed for 18 months. I am a powerful & desirable catch (I know that sounds, so conceited, but I know myself & who I am) my beloved, late wife knew & told me this, too. She warmed me about the games & told me to be ‘very careful of who you get after me’ to be honest, I dread the dating games, it’s an exhausting thought & I don’t participate with it. I would love to find a new partner & my late wife, hoped I would & find someone who would look after me, as I did for her. Although, I am extremely independent, I don’t want anything from anybody & I don’t actually need anybody in my life. But, I have a lot to give & share. This video, has reminded me, to stick by my principles & be true to my inner core. Some people, only chase the initial feeling of the dopamine hit, that is wha5vtheyvare addicted to & live their lives like this, never to experience real love. I was so lucky, with my late wife, I do hope I am not been unrealistic, to expect it again.

[@barrybizz1]

great video especially at the end, phase 1, 2,3 etc

[@crawfordapostolic]

Thank you thank you thank you Susan Winter!!!

[@MissSarahGM]

Susan again you are nailing it. It is so painful to navigate the dating scene these days : was the magnificent phase 1 only manufactured to have sex or get an ego stroke? Are they just emotionally crippled and they can not go further. Or are they the confused and fearful ones? I am guessing we need to use our precious intuition and a logical perspective on things and facts. And have a timeframe to assess the situation.

[@cindymontgomery1983]

All of the above definitely.

[@sueblack5794]

Susan you are hands down the best dating guru on youtube. Many if not most are just telling women what they want to hear, and that they can fix it. You however tell the truth point straight.

[@curlyrae3380]

Spot on! Thank you Susan. I deserve more than phase one or a breadcrumb.

[@xtinamagwaza82]

I love this! I needed to hear this. 🍯

[@andor8635]

Susan great video learn a lot thank your wonderful for all that you do .

[@MarliBeres]

Susan I never leave comments but I felt like it was a must..... it is just a thank you because you can be sure that you have really really helped me so much .... thank you for sharing with us this incredible ability of yours to dig delve into the human mind. Your lit a light into my understanding .... 🙏🙏🙏 thank you x

[@Springsdaisy]

You're hitting the nail on the head.

[@Grouse2275]

Great video....as always Susan..... plus some of the best comments I've ever seen here👍👍

[@peggywishart3641]

Susan, thank you! This and your video on the slow fade exactly describe a relationship I was in a year ago. He was so great and then gone - "just really busy"- but bread crumbing. It was so confusing! Wish I had you then. So glad I've found you now!

[@hellomynameis688]

Very helpful!! Thank you!!

[@kelpiegirl]

Top video Susan!!

[@suzannedixon5438]

Awwww breadcrumbing is the WORST!

[@committedhopeful6790]

how can i like this more than one time? I love your idea about act 1, 2, 3 and 4. Many times they're just great at act 1 as you say, I'll remember this. Love your channel, love your unique perspective, very grateful for the content :)

[@annakozoriz]

Thank you

[@dragonfly1955]

Did this and walked he came back a week later and said I’m all in. Stayed together for a year and he discarded me and said I just can’t give this 100%. My advise is if you have to have the conversation this is what I want and they are pondering don’t bother they’re not ready.

[@LX12399]

Always love every single vid you do! You have a great way of bringing us back into reality in a nice way 😆 I really would LOVE to see a vid from you relating to this but with a twist-focused on why we keep attracting this type of person and what to do when you are only attracted to these types. I could meet 100 guys that would likely commit yet, I somehow sniff out the one that is only good at phase one. These other 99 just don’t entice me and my logical mind KNOWS it’s ridiculous but I can’t help not being attracted to the “better” type. If I could, trust me I would but just feels dull, boring and there is never any sexual attraction. I hate being like this 😭 No one else I know has these constant struggles and I know it’s my inner self but my awareness of it isn’t helping.

[@MultiZorrozorro]

Just want to let you know that you are the best relationship adviser on KZbin. Love Love Love your advice.♥♥♥

[@johnwarak5375]

100% agree :-)

[@geadevries7037]

Oh Susan... Gea here from Holland... this one was sooooooo good thank you! You got me hooked... haha!

[@TheKapias]

Thank you 🙏 So much!❤️❤️

[@armcandi36]

This is exactly what happened to me. I handled it just like you suggested💪🏽

[@deniseodendaal5824]

Wow this is so good ! Xx

[@thisispi1491]

THANK YOU SUSAN!!! ❤️☀️🌷

[@sophiemarette606]

Thank you to you!!

[@stormfalcon72]

Very well put, Susan. Exactly what has happened to me 😭

[@d-diversity3760]

Oh gosh!!! I wish I knew this before. I wasted year and half on broken relationship where I was no winner. It took me forever to recover and I am still not fully recovered

[@michealwashington1863]

Brilliant !

[@Melody-iy9bw]

Absolutely right…I wish I could understand earlier … with a clear mind in this game

[@hereislada864]

thank you so damn much

[@NatureChannel11366]

Susan you are such beautiful person. Yes this is my situation now .. sadly

[@freespirit3818]

I am the same I don't know how to word this conversation. It is so sad.

[@teachmetofish8710]

Susan, thank you for posting this. You always seem to have the perfect timing with your posts. I went through this recently. There was a lady I liked a lot, took her out, she had a great time and when I expressed to her that I enjoyed our attraction, she pulled back. She became very cold and distant. She would then do small things to "see" if I was still interested. She even triangulated me with another guy to attempt to get a reaction from me. Of course, I didn't give her one. Ultimately, I decided that this was not what I wanted. I realized that I want a partner who is comfortable being uncomfortable in our space and getting to know each other. Yes, hanging out is fun and I enjoyed spoiling her but I need someone who enjoys me as much as I enjoy her. I decided to walk away (romantically). I still see her and she acts distant sometimes and warm others. I stay neutral mostly and have continued to date and meet available women. Thank you for what you do.

[@munmunchoy]

This is exactly what I am going through, unfortunately only option left for me is to stay strong and accept the situation, even though I am very attracted guy I was seeing, I am looking for someone who can go beyond phase 1.

[@alinart4488]

Suz, you are un-be-lie-vable ...! Thank you , from my heart

[@Zarghami]

I am Positive you will find the one who you don’t have to play any games with..

[@jns0399]

You are amazing. It’s so hard for me to “call it” even though I know I have to. I’m terrified but I’m miserable

[@tuff47]

Relationships happen naturally. Everything comes together. And sometimes. that "everything" is rare.

[@sunbox4700]

Great!

[@yaffaNC-17]

Thanks for this video. I have felt really discombobulated and insecure due to this behavior trying to figure out what I did wrong.

[@zulmiragamito]

This video made me identify the situationship I was in and gave me the courage I needed to walk away. Thank you so much for that, Susan! ♥️ I still have a doubt. Is this pattern more characteristic of a confused guy or a player?

[@ElectronicCrickett]

Hit the Nail on the Head! Sooooooooooo TRUE!!!!

[@syobnihc]

This video hits my spot of doing things right with a foreign woman I meet on a dating site. I won't chase her anymore. Life will move on for me without her.

[@thehealthbodyfitness]

Your so Right Value yourself an Walk Away Never Look Back but Some people just like to Lead you on it's so Sad 😭 at the end they will just do the same thing to the Next one that comes along they will just Destroy themselves at there own power

[@mrsbobbicisse]

I had the conversation twice before and was told nothing nothing - I asked him point blank if there was someone else or if there was something I did. He said he didn't know anything was wrong. After an argument, we broke up and talking was scarce.. Yesterday while we're in separation of about six weeks, he called in response to a text I sent to him asking once again if he had been seeing someone and said the reason he pulled back is because I wanted a relationship and he didn't want to hurt me and also that he figured if he pulled back, maybe I would leave him and find someone who wanted a relationship. while I believe he was being honest, I don't appreciate he didn't that when I brought the change and that now I realize I was pursuing him, to his attention. he says there was no one else and that what he did was for me and my feelings.

[@lylemichael]

Ok, so this is a very real thing. Even what you said about asking if everything is ok & they say everything is fine … then continue to retract. wow … there needs to be an essay on this ;) haha! At least i know it is not just me that has experienced this along the way… The journey continues. Love to you all ❤️ you deserve it

[@beehungry6190]

Consequences of abandoning roles as a society and people like me get to feel the true brunt of the pain.

[@angeninetytwo]

Susan i loved it when you said “she’s the girl or the guy” when talking about men . These kind of inclusive talking really makes a difference , thank you!

[@samanthajones2360]

Dear Susan, thank you so much for making these eye-opening videos for us. Would you please do a video on how to react when your bf is liking his ex's photos on Instagram? How to bring up the conversion that it is bothering me. Thank you!

[@seven3962]

So many guys are just chasing phase 1 highs and leaving women high and dry it’s exhausting

[@kristyy2488]

Yes. Just experienced it. So confusing

[@OlderWomenRock]

I have found Men rarely tell you truth . At least from my experience . I’ve heard vague responses , excuses etc . Rarely have I heard the truth . You can spend hours , days , weeks trying to figure it out . At the end of the day the reason might not matter as the end result will be the same . They have moved on . Honesty would be refreshing although often times the truth hurts . Do you really want to hear the whole time you thought he might be a future long term partner he was still holding a torch for his ex . Possibly still in contact with them and still hoping he could be with her . I don’t ! Perhaps accept that “ just been busy “ is a big fat excuse and dry your eyes and move on .

[@alvinhah3367]

You're very beautiful!

[@starbuck9980]

You ‘“da bomb” Susan!

[@bonniechampagne4093]

Brilliant!!??

[@Somozusi]

I just saw this video and although I've only been on one real 'date' with the person I'm crazy about, I think I can see patterns with her behaviour which align with the traits you described. So I'm going to tell her that I'm done - and really move on. Because life's too short and I deserve better than a woman who blows hot and cold.

[@Mc-cs6yr]

Wow This just happened to me n it is soooo confusing. She pursued me like crazy n we work together. She’s a supervisor n I don’t answer directly to her but have to coordinate with her. Said she fell for me a month in. We texted, talked n went parking whenever we could. She started talking about the future even trying to scare me off by I would be a great step dad to her daughter. Didn’t work n I told her that would make me happy to have a family as I have no kids. I was more in love than I had ever been. I thought she was too. It took her a weekend For her feelings to change. She said she got nervous n ditched me after two days of thinking about life. She is now in the breadcrumbing stage to try to keep me on backup. Never texting anymore but at work talking to me like a lover n touching me like we were together always trying to connect on an emotional n sexual level. Wtf Make up ur mind I tell her n walk away She just says I don’t know or I’m scared She is very broken inside n I can’t fix her

[@maureenchevalier3751]

I think it was Susan (in a different video) who said 'some people have a crack in the marble'...it was there before we met them, it will be there after we're gone. Like you realized about you're partner and I've realized about mine...there's no fixing it. We have to let go and move on. We have to know our own worth and RUN away from the craziness as fast as possible! Best of luck!

[@Mc-cs6yr]

It is craziness. She ran into me Wednesday as I was working in a mech room. Pulled up a chair n blabbed for half an hour about her ex not paying child support, her miscarriage, living paycheck to paycheck n baring her soul. Saying she’d like to take me out. I told her that this is how u talk to a lover not an ex. She got up n left. I’m not an emotional tampon or back up plan WTH

[@maureenchevalier3751]

Emotional tampon 😂 that's awesome! Stay strong. My friend and I tell each other (in situations such as this) keep your shields up, Spock! 🖖

[@Mc-cs6yr]

That’s pretty cool Wish I had a shield for all the assholes in the world

[@annekelley1527]

You are great...I will never be real happy with them until I get a ring on my finger. Too much hurt in past.

[@thehealthbodyfitness]

I'm Walking they Never coming Back 😩😭😩

[@stormfalcon72]

Susan says it how it is.

[@liamstivala7487]

Thanks for the great advice as always, been through exactly this recently. Had to let her know that I needed a proper honest relationship. Now I feel like I put my foot in my mouth as it seemed to be a ludicrous request to her, and even though I know I made the right decision its a painful one, because I still care deeply for her. What is the next step?

[@mermaidsoul8968]

They got what they wanted: “you in bed”. As simple as that. Real players 😞 Is not about logic is about honesty. Watch out!!! They don’t give a flying fly about you.

[@Mrs.T305]

No. What if u didn't sleep with them? Sometimes it's not about sex