#5 The Harmful Effects of Maternal Absence: A Conversation w/ Erica Komisar-The Suzanne Venker Show

[@maditabender1401]

The amount of criticism I had to put up with when my first child was an infant for being his emotional needs was mind blowing! He was always very sensitive and very attached to me. He will be 13 in a few weeks and he is now an independent and confident boy who comes to me regularly just to talk about his life and his successes and struggles. You can't respond to a baby's needs enough!

[@loganthompson5374]

I love this!

[@traditionalwoman5648]

People have said that I have spoiled my kids, because I am always holding them and loving on them, but I don't know how you spoil a baby. If they cry, it's because they have a need, even if it is snuggles and being held.

[@practicallyheidi8505]

As a mom who was also told those things and did WAY too much for my kids according to everyone else. I now have 1 very independent, successful college student (Offered 3 full rides), a very independent entrepreneur 17 year old that will pass his dad in income this year, and 2 awesome middle schoolers. My kids were my life and are my life. I don't care what society says. Look at how my kids are turning out! They are so secure in themselves, independent, and thoughtful people. Keep rocking that baby. You can't spoil them. I would give anything to go back one day with all my babies. The days are long but the years are short.

[@traditionalwoman5648]

@@practicallyheidi8505 I have gotten the "you need to cut the apron strings."

[@believestthouthis7]

@@traditionalwoman5648 The healthy way to do it is for the apron strings to be cut when children become adults, leave home and get married. A lot of parents have it backwards and think they can ignore their children when they are young and then never leave them alone as adults so that their adult children can start building their own life. Genesis 2:24 KJV - Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

[@traditionalwoman5648]

@@believestthouthis7 I call it parenting from behind, the don't teach their children any moral values but get mad at them when they do something bad, all they want is to be their kids friend.

[@believestthouthis7]

@@traditionalwoman5648 Good point. It seems to be the kind of parenting that is too permissive and loose, usually coupled with virtually no training in life skills so that their adult children are unable to properly leave the nest and handle life independently. What can end up happening is parents then supporting their adult children financially and perhaps even raising their grandchildren and wondering why.

[@jeanieolahful]

I worked briefly as a part time nanny for a pretty well to do couple (nothing crazy, but that had a bigger home, nice cars, country club members, etc. ) They had two girls, 3 and 4 who I’d pick up from preschool/pre-k and watch until mom got home. The girls had dance lessons and swimming lessons that I took them to. Typical nanny stuff. Mom hired me because she was expecting a third in a few months, and her former nanny left for school. Prior to my being hired the girls had been watched since practically their births by a college student. That person spent many hours with the girls, especially the oldest, since mom had worked full time after her birth, so this person was her especially a lot. When she left the 4 year old was absolutely devastated by it. The mother told me they the former nanny come back to babysit once, but it only upset their daughter more, so they decided it was time to cut ties. It was heartbreaking to watch the 4 year old look at photos of her nanny and just sob! I could see that inadvertently they had allowed their child to form a strong bond with this caregiver, and she was grieving badly. She was having issues with bed wetting, which her younger sister wasn’t, and I’m not sure if it was related to the trauma. I did my best to comfort her, and I told her mother, but it just seemed to kind of exasperate and annoy her. After her baby was born she decided that paying for full time care for three kids just didn’t make sense, and she decided to stay home. I told her it was a wise decision. Ironically, if they didn’t need to maintain their lifestyle, her husband made great money! They could have easily afforded a very nice life and spared themselves all the stress and chaos.

[@CJ2023Incognito]

Damn. Thanks for sharing. So sad for that little girl. ☹️

[@y.peffle2802]

my sister used to nannybfor a similar situation... mom was a pediatrician, dad was an orthopedic surgeon, they had plenty of $ for her to stay home if she wanted! My sister became their mom, she even took them to dentist appointments! My sister left when she was having her own baby.

[@halfhalf656]

I agree that she should have stayed home from the first baby but I also know it’s easier to say until yourself have to stay home with children for many years. I did that but not everything is wonderful…btw it’s not just about money, there are other reasons a woman doesn’t want to stay home that men never have to worry. What mom or even dad does is the focus, but our society doesn’t make it easier to raise children which is the reality we live in-we also should see the problem in a larger context-e.g. no paid maternity leave etc

[@zvolencan1]

Why doesn't this have like 100 000 views already? This is SO IMPORTANT! Thanks for this interview, I'm going to spread the word in my country.

[@theresatrevethan7254]

Agreed!

[@culturallydifferent]

Now I understand why I'm always asked why my babies don't cry. Their needs are met, I'm always available for them and sooth them. They are held and loved and not stresses about their mother leaving any time. The society here doesn't know what raising kids implies...

[@er6730]

Be cautious about that smugness. You remind me of my "friend" who figured that the reason my baby was colicky and hers was not was "because I'm just a relaxed person, I guess". Well, news flash: having your baby scream all the time, no matter what you do, tends to stress a mother out! I was relaxed until that started.

[@sentinelsofvmi2227]

Nost babies that cry a lot are in pain because of gas. I got Mylicon drops that my doctor recommended and it made a world of difference. Shortly after I gave the drops I could pump is legs gently and out came the "air." Now I give that in baby shower gift baskets, along with the book Babywise about schedules. Both helped me a lot.

[@er6730]

@@sentinelsofvmi2227 That's so kind that you give those things to new moms. There usually is a solution, I think. If you can find it. When his sister was acting the same way the first week, I was able to figure out the issue (tongue tie resulting in not getting "hind milk" and subsequent tummy aches) and fix it within a few days. But she was my third, and I'd had a lot of education in babies and breastfeeding that I just didn't know with my first. 😞 Poor thing, he was the one I learned on. I kept telling the doctor "he has a stomach ache!" but wasn't believed, and so I just accepted that apparently I'm really bad at comforting babies and burping them as none of the tricks or drops seemed to help, and once I switched to formula he got a little better so maybe I make bad milk. It was too bad.

[@limiwa]

All babies are different. Some simply cry more than others even if the mom is very present and available. I cried a lot as a baby, my sister didn't - same hands on mothering from our SAHM. My son cried quite a bit while my daughter was a super chill baby. I baby wore, bed shared, breastfed, stayed at home with them, basically did all the "things" with both. Individual temperament and other factors (colic) play a role too.

[@wifemom]

lots of babies cry (scream really) when their little brains are swelling inside their heads from encephalitis after receiving well baby visit shots. It’s so sad (and exhausting). It can take months to stop.

[@self-publishinghelp8596]

Another point towards all the stats about the emotional unhealth manifesting in many different ways of kids coming out of fatherless homes, besides the emotional balance the father provides, there is also the point that single mums really have no option often but to have their kids in daycare. This is likely contributing to all the results we're now seeing in the distress of the grown-up generation coming out of fatherless homes. Good ol' sexual revolution! What a blessing to the world that was (sarcasm).

[@beautifulwonder398]

I was fatherless and in daycare and my mom was single working busy schedules. She married and I got a stepdad who sadly was not affectionate due to his past traumatic childhood upbringing. I love all of them and forgive them but decided that was not the family dynamic I wanted. All in all, I thank God, my husband is protective of me and children. I stay at home and plan on doing this until my children are older. If I have to work side jobs from home or remote jobs, I'll do it to help have my husband close to home and alleviate some of the weight he carries. Either way we choose to change the course of our history even with an unfair past and give a better upbringing to our own children.

[@skylinefever]

Well, maybe they should have asked Chad and Tyrone to use a condom. Good luck getting the Idiocracy to do that.

[@dzmariner]

Listening to this in 2024! :)

[@Tm-gg2mz]

Even newborns know when their mother is holding them. My babies all make these purring/humming sounds when they are happy. Whenever someone else is holding them amd gives my baby back to me, my baby will immediately begin making thier happy sounds. I am very careful about passing babies around for this reason and don't let people hold my newborns for no reason (aside from family).

[@Beginnerreadsthebible]

Don't lean in, lean out, lean all the way out. In fact, lay down! Lay down your life for your babies ❤

[@ttrinhity]

Thank you bravely highlighting the emotional and social developmental needs of children in such a clear and articulate way. Why does it feel like not enough people know about something this fundamentally important?

[@rochellecaffee1417]

I thank God for you, both. I pray for “open doors” for you and your message which IS FROM THE LORD. And that God will prepare their hearts, by “breaking up the fallow ground” in their hearts, so that they will leave the lies, and “receive the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ”…the TRUTH, which sets free all, who believe in Him.❤😊

[@practicallyheidi8505]

I substitute teach. Our kids are sick. They are not healthy. They can't deal with any big emotion. The schools are chaos and I live in a wealthy town with very professional working people. Almost all dual incomes.

[@nannygoatbassoonist]

They need snuggled and helped when they are upset, even over what seems to be insignificant to us. Mine is almost 9 months old and doesn't want to be put down. He gets scared when I'm out of sight and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm exhausted, but I always want my son to know he can come to me over anything.

[@r.dennison5042]

Does he sleep thru the night?

[@abusalman5139]

This is gold.

[@rochellecaffee1417]

As a Christian, we know and receive Christ “as OUR FIRM FOUNDATION”, which, under the same spiritual principle, brings the result of “peace and comfort within” even in tumultuous times.

[@lilyanaalvarez3539]

I work with prek-fifth grade kids and I really feel soo bad for them

[@irynasakharchuk7044]

Thank you so much❤

[@LegoGirl1990]

TVs and phone calls were plenty distracting before internet and texting. (Not saying it's not worse now.)

[@thermalreboot]

I've often wonder if the epidemic of autistic children today has to do with children having too little time with mom during the first couple of years. We know from the Romanian orphanages that children who don't get enough attention can die from failure to thrive syndrome, do children who are put in daycare very young become autistic because they're in so much distress?

[@chrisod22]

Very interesting thought. And, you bring up a valid question about daycare. If there is a correlation then why is autism more prevalent in males? Do males babies have a greater need for their mothers at a very young age? I wonder if there are any studies on this subject matter.

[@thermalreboot]

@@chrisod22 It may not be that male babies have a greater need, it may just be that female babies are better at getting attention and asking for help. Studies done on toddlers demonstrate that when a barrier is put between mom and her child the boy will attempt to force his way through it, to go over, under, around or through it. Little girls will find their way blocked and will then sit down and cry until mom comes to get them. It's possible that day care workers simply don't pick up the queues of the boys in distress, but can easily detect when the girls are in distress.

[@chrisod22]

@@thermalreboot Wow, that is interesting. Illustrates that while men and women are the same in many ways, the differences really do matter. Thanks.

[@sarahcover7248]

I don't think day care causes autism. There are lots of stay at home moms with autistic kids. I think environmental toxins are a much more likely culprit.

[@Ja50nkAt]

Sickening that women feel they need to have a job to feel complete as a mother. If all women stayed home to raise their child under the provisioning of a man wages would go up because of limited workers and mothers would not have to work at all. But instead we have a greater number of workers that drives wages down.

[@yro82]

No female: doctors, nurses, therapists, judges, law enforcement officers, teachers, sexual assault victim advocates, etc. Sounds like a wonderful world.

[@xxxaviorep4705]

Women working is not what brings work wages lower. If only it were that basic. Living in a capitalistic society that makes living soo expensive that both men and women need to work to make ends meet.

[@RayneyKayLa]

​@@xxxaviorep4705Nah people let their consumerism get them stuck in the Two Income Trap. My husband and I do just fine on one income because we carefully balance our finances. We value being home owners than having name brand clothes.

[@wifemom]

@Ja50nkAt Yes! I read about that aspect of the economy in Larry Burkett’s book titled “Women Leaving the Workplace” which helped me make that decision for myself before agreeing to get married. Well Technically he had to agree to let me stay home if we were to marry. Been nearly 21 years, 5 precious treasures, 1 income. HalleluYah!

[@angelicaharrison1014]

We can thank feminism for women abandoning their kids for a career

[@randomactivitiesco.5848]

The way women are treated in the delivery room will affect their mothering aswell. Just as an animal abandons a pup, when a baby is taken from Mom, washed, and brought back, they smell wrong. Furthermore, if Mom has been drugged and abused by her caregivers treating her like a cow, her body can't react appropriately to her baby. It has gotten better but still awful in American hospitals.

[@y.peffle2802]

women don't realize they have so much more say about what can be done right after delivery. You can ask for delayed cord clamping, for the baby to not be washed, direct skin to skin , all tests to be done in your room so baby isn't taken to the nursery. I always suggest women seke out a midwife who delivers in hospitals. Such a better experience then an. OBGYN and if something goes wrong you have access to c section right away.

[@RayneyKayLa]

Luckily for both my births the facilities believed in the golden hour....no washing or separation from mom after birth.

[@LegoGirl1990]

Step 1. Don't be a single mom; "No ding ding wizout ze wedding ring."

[@yro82]

Well, divorce happens. Men cheat, women cheat, people die. The world we live in now, it’s hard to live on one income.

[@RayneyKayLa]

Yep. All the kids are being made in unwed situations making it all worse.

[@srkidd12]

If your child went through daycare and into kindergarten, would a year or two of homeschooling help with that empathy gap and the other emotional issues?

[@zvolencan1]

Erica Komisar said it's about brain development that occurs to the age of 3, so I guess after that the train is gone.

[@jbunny7910]

The ratio is not 5 to one for ages under 3. That was over exaggerated but I get the point. In my state for infants ratio is 3 to 1 for infants and 4 to 1 for toddlers however, if you go to a home daycare the ratio requirements are smaller.

[@MrsMysteryWoman]

I think it depends on the state. Where I am, for ages 3 to 6 the ratio is 1 to 12, with one assistant, sometimes- and I stress the sometimes. Even with the assistant it’s pretty tough to give them what they need. For 0-2 it’s one adult for every 4 children. I see the results of kids being away from their moms everyday. I do my best as their caregiver, but I can only do so much.

[@katherineruiz8985]

What about kids that stay with dad at home and have a full time working mom?

[@GA-ju3kp]

Are there any resources for moms who are learning this after 0-3? What to do next how to repair any of the damage done

[@rochellecaffee1417]

Personally, i am not a feminist, but a “Titus Woman”….from the Bible, Titus 2:3-5.

[@yro82]

Just do the best you can. It’s impossible to get everything right. While staying at home is probably ideal, most Americans (especially now with crazy inflation) cannot afford to stay home. It’s very hard when you have multiple kids or just one income. Not everyone has a high earning spouse. Listen to this and improve where you can. These two ladies, laughing at working moms, is rude as f* and with all that education, should know better. The guy who had 8 kids, I grew up in a family of 7. THERE IS NO WAY TO GIVE THEM ALL EQUAL ATTENTION and the timeframe was different. The oldest ALWAYS grows up the quickest.

[@beautifulwonder398]

It's not about giving them equal attention but being present for your children and that they see you by them trying to love on them. And it can be done today. My husband pays every bill and works a couple months and other months is off. Where there is a will there is a way.

[@yeshalloween]

They do know better though. Better than you. It’s as though you didn’t listen at all. If you think hardly, anyone can stay at home these days you should move to my area in Utah where still the majority of women manage to be stay at home moms even if their husband has a modest salary. Live within your means for the sake of your child!!

[@Vamusika]

People who can't give time/attention by staying home and caring for babies should really consider not having more than 1 or 2 children. Why have so many children and then feel like a victim when someone is questioning the choices?

[@yro82]

@@yeshalloween your solution is to keep your legs open and go on welfare? Wow, that explains a lot.

[@yeshalloween]

@@yro82 lol, what?!?!! What the actual hell are you talking about? WHEN did I say anything even close to resembling that? Are you… Are you not intelligent? Are you able to read? Are you OK? And what do you mean it explains a lot? I’ve only ever been with one man and that’s my husband of 12 years and father of my four children so I don’t know what the hell you’re going on about. And we aren’t on welfare. My husband makes $265,000 a year. I don’t even know why I am Bothering to respond to your seriously stupid response.

[@summerrose4286]

Werewolves in London? Haha

[@claudiaaguilar6845]

Follow the Bible and live the Gold Standard of life.

[@skylinefever]

I want to show Christ like behavior to money changers.

[@randomactivitiesco.5848]

All of your guests focus on the time before we ship them off to school. I would argue that school is also harmful and private or homeschool is the only way to go. You get school shooters because you have bullied kids without dads. Why are there so many bullied kids in schools? Rhetorical! They are there because the idea of mass schooling is an idea destined to be harmful. Your guests are all working moms that couldn't humble themselves enough to stay home as long as they needed to. They needed to get back out there and get attention. Spoiled women still.

[@y.peffle2802]

or how about they are all on mind altering pharmaceuticals?