The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

[@JeffCichocki]

My dad wasn’t around a lot when I was a kid. When I saw him, he was always angry. However, my dad did one thing right… He always told me that he wasn’t mad at me, he was mad at what I did. That one statement had a huge impact in how I raised my kids… This talk confirmed something I knew, but could never have explained. Thank you.

[@zzz4baby]

That's such a powerful realization, thank you for sharing your personal experience! It's amazing how a simple shift in perspective and communication can have a lasting impact on how we parent. So glad to hear that this talk resonated with you and helped validate your own parenting approach. Keep up the great work!

[@LAila-qf4ww]

@@zzz4baby💯💯

[@esthertaylor7875]

Thats good parenting, not that apologizing bs

[@FightrForLife]

​@esthertaylor7875 I think you missed the point. She wasn't talking about discipline... She was talking about blowing up or overreacting in a situation where you're already stressed by outside factors. Where the reaction wasn't proportional to the perceived infraction.

[@HomesteadAtLast]

What could you have possibly done as a kid to anger your dad to the point he was like that?

[@msabawihtlung]

Self repair - separating your identity - who you are, from your behaviour - what you did. then... repairing child's self blame to self trust.. wow, this is sooo deep, I need it.. thanks

[@rutherfordsinclair488]

Matthew 7:3-5 from the sermon on the mount. 3 Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, there’s a log in your eye? 5 Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

[@EmeraldSky33]

Repair really works, even years later. A few months ago, my mom and I "replayed" a scene from my childhood - from 24 years ago, when I was 8 - wherein I felt I had to minimize my needs in order to not be an inconvenience, in order to be "good." At age 32, replaying this memory, I asked my mom for reassurance that asking for my needs to be met wasn't bad, and she said something incredible: "You don't *have* to be *good.*" I cried for so long and felt a huge weight lift. And now that scene from my childhood, that memory, I don't even think about it anymore. I used to think about it all the time when I was upset. It truly is never too late.

[@leighs3439]

Beautiful ❤

[@guido-nl]

Wow good for you

[@joannwilliams7415]

This was beautiful and I am so happy you got that validation. Much love!

[@siversteinshamn6777]

That's amazing, thank you for sharing 🙏

[@zzz4baby]

That's such a powerful and touching story, thank you for sharing! It's amazing how repairing and revisiting past experiences can have such a profound impact on our present selves. It's never too late to heal and grow. Keep shining your light! 🌟

[@ninaphilippe]

This Ted talk should be watched at least once a month by every single parent on this planet.. Thanks…

[@Ella-y5c3s]

I like your idea. I'd just add everyone! Everyone could benefit from this information!

[@zzz4baby]

Absolutely! It's such an insightful talk that can truly make a difference in how we approach parenting. Keep spreading the word! 🌟

[@rutherfordsinclair488]

Matthew Chapters 5-7 are better, truer, and already hold this truth in them. Sermon on the Mount is your key to this life and the next.

[@wades9327]

Wrong.

[@ericpeysar2593]

I balled through this talk. My oldest daughter is now 12. Since my divorce, i dont get to see her much. For 6 years she, her mom and her little sister, endured my emotional disregulation following a brain injury. Having worked hard to regain control (4 counsellors, meds, daily exercise, clean lifestyle, and a team of about 45 different medical professionals), i now have a good coparenting relationship with her mom and the most amazingly positive relationship with her little sister. I think our youngest was too young to remember the worst, but my oldest and I continue to struggle. Thank you for this Ted Talk. I think you were able to articulate, what I have struggled so hard to sort out. With your insights, I now know how to approach a letter I have been trying to write for two years to my daughter. Thank you so much.

[@natiaburjanadze2854]

You sound like a wonderful dad! I am sorry you had to go through all that, I am sure you daughter will understand you. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

[@wb5408]

Just a word of encouragement--I hope your letter goes well, but if your daughter is twelve, she may not fully understand the effects of a brain injury. So, if it doesn't go the way you planned, don't give up! One day, when her brain is fully developed, she will have a better understanding of all of it, and she will appreciate the effort you put into repairing your relationship.

[@salma_Nella22]

My mother died never apologizing to me for what she put me through. I’m messed up today and can’t make decisions for myself. I get confused easily and I think horribly about myself when someone compliments me. I don’t like taking pictures with people. I have two children and I apologize to my 5 year old and accept accountability for what I’ve done. But finding a balance is hard when you think everything is your fault. This video honestly helped me more than most therapists have. Thank you

[@junnatha]

I want to appreciate u. Plz take it as just that. Bless u to get well. And be well with ur children.

[@salma_Nella22]

@@junnatha hey thank you for your kindness. I wish you the best with yours as well ❤️

[@junnatha]

@@salma_Nella22 ✨

[@abigaileggleston9108]

Sending love to your child heart ❤️

[@salma_Nella22]

@@abigaileggleston9108 thank you 🙏

[@AdrianNiewzorow]

I'm a father for the first time. My son in almost three. I do yell at him more than few times during last year and a half. During that time I've taken a DBT skills training, have listen couple of dozens webinars about self-regulation, NVC, etc. But these two sentences about agreeing that I just said something which I'm not proid of and it's not defining me as a parent seem to be a game changer. Althoug my son is just and almost three yeara old, I'll repair the situation tomorrow morning. The sooner, the quicker I learn how to do that and the better our relationship. Thank you ❤

[@laurencollier147]

You’re a good dad ❤

[@MrgoldenRose]

Well said man.❤

[@Art3ga]

@@jamama3 God is a lie we came up with thousands of years ago. Don't teach your children to be good because of lies but out of respect for others and their environment.

[@robinbunchofnumbers4566]

I've had the same struggles with my son who is almost 3 now. Hope you're doing well my friend.

[@TranscendentRose]

@@Art3gaI may not agree with God not being real. I definitely agree with the rest of your comment. Teaching them to be good just because is far greater than out of fear

[@madebyruud]

The phone call exercise was powerful, got tears in my eyes listening to it. Great talk Becky, I will be a better father because of this.

[@GertieYTube]

Yes, the same

[@Lennybird91]

That truly was one of the most powerful conclusions to a Ted talk I've ever heard.

[@skrzydlamotyla]

I cried...

[@kaitlynwiggins2328]

As a 39 year old woman. This “phone call” had me in tears.

[@joshuahoyer1279]

So much this

[@jeshicac.7760]

I’m grateful that it isn’t too late for me to repair a rupture that was never my childrens’ fault. This was both healing and humbling. You’ve inspired me so much. I take responsibility & want to be an example of Repair to my young-adult kids, one of which just had her first baby. What a gift this was for me!

[@maegonzales9096]

I stumbled on your video while searching for some parenting advice because of me yelling most of the time when I get frustrated. This really hits me hard. I am so struggling with calming myself down when in a heated situation.😢 I felt sorry for my child. But you know what I do? I don't let her go to sleep without me apologizing for my behaviour because I don't want to see myself to her one day. I don't want her to be like me. I want to let her know that it's not her fault, it was mine.😢 I don't want her to grow old and picture me as a terrible mom. I want to be her safest place someday.

[@rutherfordsinclair488]

Embrace Christ, start with the Beattitude which you can find in the Gospel of Matthew Chapter 5. Your heart will be changed forever, praise Jesus!

[@RoseSklar]

Spot on. I am going to make that hard call to my adult child and give her the apology she deserves. The one I never received, the one I will now model for our future.

[@Kath0080]

This is the best thing I've seen in a long time 😭 you're making generational changes that will impact the world. 💖 thank you 🙌✨

[@hunpiya]

This comment made me tear up. Can I say I am proud of you?! Because I am♥️

[@TuneyGrooves]

You brought tears to my eyes. The good kind ❤

[@christinamarin4875]

Wow, that's awesome that you are wanting to make a repair. I wish my mom would see this . 😕

[@kchachalove]

Beautiful. How’d the call go?

[@casperengelmann4575]

Throughout this talk I did feel myself tearing up, not from a parents perspective, but a childs. My relationship with my parents wasn't always great, and still isn't all the time. Repair is the perfect expression for what I've subconsciously been trying to do, not just with myself lately, but the people around me. Always trying to minimize harm, but never really being satisfied with the changes I see, and sometimes unsuccessfully bridging the gap with the people I love. Seeing repair in a new light, that disconnect is a fork in the road, and the action you take determines whether you strenghten or weaken your bonds, is mind-opening on a sincere level for me. I've always struggled managing my own feelings, not quite understanding other's. I'm honestly a little overwhelmed right now, but it feels nice to put into words what a life lesson this seemingly simple talk has been. I hope you know how impactful sharing your story with the world truly can be. Thank you, Becky.

[@rodolforodriguez2592]

"Adult children of emotionally immature parents" I recommend you read it. Cheers!

[@esthertaylor7875]

Just what the world needs, another beta male talking about feelings...🙄

[@athenaryals3273]

I shouldn't have watched this at work because now I'm crying at my desk. My childhood was very, very bad and you're right, that phone call from my parents would change everything.

[@m____w____6981]

Don't worry. This talk is nonsense. Have you met her children? Just someone spewing words for recognition.

[@athenaryals3273]

@@m____w____6981 dad, is that you?? 😂

[@m____w____6981]

@@athenaryals3273 Perfect response to my comment! 😅 My comment was a bit thoughtless (I do apologize), but honestly, myself and many experts in the field doubt the accuracy of her ideas and assertions. I have a Father in heaven who never fails me so I don't worry too much about the relationship with my parents, even though I am blessed to have a good relationship in general. Best wishes.

[@thepositiveside2197]

Then, how about you taking the first step and call your parents? I'm almost certain if you admit your mistakes when you were a child, they will also open up that they love you.

[@mervecelebi4497]

Same here😢

[@brandielove1435]

I listen to this at 1:44 in the morning. I had a horrific childhood with my mother, but broke the cycle with my sons, but there was still a little verbal anger left over this video is so beautiful. I sent it to both my sons now truly finally found someone, I can listen to in my children as well. God bless you.

[@ChildProsperity]

Lovely

[@abccontent3508]

Repair, self-regulate, and revisit those moments. And, remember, it is NEVER TOO LATE. Becky, this is brilliant. Thank you!

[@sak2104]

Kids are the ones who are brilliant. They give us second and third and million more second chances.

[@roblemaer4834]

@@sak2104Wisdom. Thanks.

[@Nichtword]

I just cry while listening to her. It is a very relatable thing and everyone needs to remember that repair is possible and it is never too late.

[@Fairy_Tales__Victorias_world]

This TED talk about the importance of repair in parenting truly resonated with me. As a parent, it's easy to feel the weight of perfection, but her message reminds us that we all make mistakes. What matters most is our ability to repair those moments of disconnection. Her example of a tense interaction with her son beautifully illustrates how meaningful repair can be in preventing lasting distress and self-blame. I appreciate the idea of seeing repair as an opportunity for growth and connection, as it fosters trust, safety, and stronger bonds with our children. This talk serves as a valuable reminder that, as parents, we have the power to mend and strengthen our relationships. Thank you for sharing!

[@anasikarakelian9248]

I'm a first time mom. Now that my child is growing it is extremely important for me to learn how to parent without causing damage to our relationship and his personality

[@cjexplores]

Came here for a TED talk and left wiping tears from my eyes 😭

[@guido7269]

This! And I have to talk to someone when he comes out of school.

[@roysdonjr]

Yeah, wasn’t planning on weeping during a damn Ted Talk, but here we are.

[@fraziermommy]

This is so important that we learn as parents! We can't be perfect...but we can be humble enough to apologize and repair when we do make mistakes. If there's one thing I want my children to learn, it's that we all make mistakes, even mom. But we don't have to stay in those mistakes and let them define us and our relationships. "I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me" goes such a long way to connecting our hearts and repair the damage done.

[@monicawmonica]

That is exactly what my husband has told me to do when I snap. He's not a psychologist, but I've come to realize he's right.

[@yanzou-im9rt]

I didn’t expect tears to come when I read comments and found so many people saying so. But soon I felt the same and can’t stop tearing. I resonated a lot, and I will continue reflecting.

[@esun237]

I cried with the imagination exercise at the end. So much pain in my own childhood. I vow to try my best in parenting, not aiming for perfection but continuing learning and improving.

[@TheParentingPunchline]

This video delivers a powerful message about the fundamental importance of connection in parenting. Understanding that genuine connection fosters trust, resilience, and emotional well-being in children is truly eye-opening. Incorporating this strategy into our parenting approach can revolutionize the way we nurture our kids and strengthen our bond with them. Thank you for sharing such valuable insights!

[@setionos]

- Repair involves acknowledging moments of disconnection, taking responsibility for one's behavior, and addressing the impact on the other person. - Repair is not just about apologizing but about reconnection and addressing the emotional impact. - Repairing with children can have a lifelong impact, teaching them valuable emotional regulation and communication skills. It is never too late to repair and improve relationships with children.

[@patpatmoomoo5524]

lol thank you, this comment is all I came for.

[@perminderkaur8160]

Thanks for this … it’s beautiful written and add this to my journal journey ⭐️

[@tingkuowang6193]

I am so glad that I watch this video when my kids are 2 and 3 years old. It’s not only lead my child growing but also I am leaded.

[@robbielanoue2690]

This message could change the world, one child-parent relationship at a time. Thank you so much for articulating tools that those of us who aren't experts but want to get this right can understand and implement.

[@diegomonteirobatera]

Okay, this is the single most important TED Talk ever! As a parent of four, I have experience this Repair multiple times, and they really work both for me and for my kids.

[@jennifergill3256]

This is the most beneficial, and self-improving TED talk I've heard in my life considering I grew up in a household where there was not much conversation about important issues. Thank you for shedding some light on the basic ways to communicate effectively with others in my family, and also with my partner. Thank you for being on this earth!!

[@Dr.TerryKreiger]

Wow, Becky's advice is so refreshing! I've always struggled with feeling like I need to be "perfect" as a parent, but she really emphasizes the importance of connection over control. I love her focus on empathy and understanding kids' emotions. This is definitely a talk I'll be revisiting!

[@thuphuongnguyen9016]

Thank you so much for this talk. I cried while I was watching your video. I am now 30 years old, became a mother myself but I feel like I never stopped being a child and desperately need my parents’ repair! My parents blamed me for their failed marriage, their unhappy relationships outside of the house because THEY HAD NOONE TO BLAME, so they chose their own child to blame. Until now I still struggle to stop self-blaming for what I did or what others did. But I wanted to improve that and want to give myself to chance to heal from the childhood’s trauma, so I found a technique : I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes to protect my son from what I had experienced because I know how much it destroyed a person’s future. And every time I accidentally yell or act crazily to my son, I apologized to him, I told myself “ That is what my parent should tell me” and then I heal a little by little. I hope that one day I could find peace, and hope that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life to do so.

[@SadieJaneLutz]

Good on you 👏 self reflection is damn hard. It sounds like your on a good path to heal & help your own 🤘

[@thesearethedayswelivefor]

She brought me to tears. My son is 7. I hope to change for his sake. Love this speaker. Thank you for such meaningful words and emphatic poise.

[@ydubbula]

Incredible talk! This is something all parents need to hear. There is so much pain among so many adults who were once children and treated poorly by their parents. Repair goes a long ways! I was constantly given the silent treatment and faced emotional neglect as a child. As a result, I grew up with terribly low self-esteem and now I am left dealing with cPTSD. Through countless therapy sessions, I am finally rounding the corner. I now have a child of my own and I am able to be a much better parent to her and hope to model the recommendations you have given in this talk. I sent this video to my parents as well. Thank you for this work you are doing!

[@geneherald8169]

I'm glad you got value out of the talk, but I think she's overcomplicating things. In the example, there's just a lack of understanding. The child doesn't understand the parent's stress, and the parent doesn't understand the child's desire to eat different food. They just need to talk it out and understand each other. That's it. The problem with her steps is that they can easily result in lying. Say that you take responsibility even when you don't mean it or say that you'll do something differently the next time it happens only to do the same thing all over again. Kids can tell when you're lying, and there's no better way than lying to erode the relationship you have with your child.

[@_havefun9725]

Becky you really saved my day. I was agonizing over my own parenting problems. Now I should keep trying to repair it. I got such a great insight from you. Thank you so much!!

[@ASMRarted]

My parents were good at this and so many more healthy parenting practices. They showed us what unconditional love is. Thanks ❤️

[@wb5408]

Mine too! And after reading some of these comments, I realize that I've probably underappreciated the impact they made!

[@TheJChau]

This might be one of the most impactful TED Talks I have ever seen. I know just by seeing this and being open to improving my parenting, I will be better. Thank you.

[@lizsiemens1501]

Yes, this really spoke to me! I want to improve my parenting and I’m so thankful that I saw this.

[@boreduser12]

What's she saying in one sentence?

[@sendingloveandhugs]

Agree ❤❤

[@SadieJaneLutz]

🤘 Right on! So glad there are parents out there wanting to make their children's lives better.

[@kylegriffin8783]

This is what i needed as a kid and its what i still need from my parents in my adult life... i will do my best to fix this with my children

[@anjalipendem6494]

u are not alone

[@Rcenthusiast90]

As a life coach I would love to help you through this process. -)

[@djfazher]

One of the best 14 minutes I’ve spent watching KZbin

[@DandiLyon1296]

I am working to heal all of this. Thank you, Becky! Sometimes it’s not just yelling, but also dismissing feelings, ideas, or not listening (it’s always important to listen when kids or others want to talk), or being present, and so much more. Learning to be in the moment and be responsive and supportive and also to repair. Being able to make it about the other person and helping them heal and not about me or my “failure” (it happened and I can fix it).

[@parentingadvice.]

Came here for a TED talk and left wiping tears from my eyes

[@cyjh_3534]

This TED means a lot to me because I 'm struggling for just the same situation, the kitchen. I will definitely repair the connection today. Thank you so much.

[@James-wu2hf]

Parenting is a tough job, but I think makes most of us better people. We are forced to step up to the plate and become more than we were. Thanks for the brilliant talk and inspiring advice. A great transcendent message, and captivating speech -- props to TED for hosting such a talented speaker and thoughtful mother!

[@samanthasmith8376]

It is extremely hard to learn self-regulation as an adult. But it's so worth it when you can teach the next generation so they have a chance to reach the stars without holding themselves back in negative though loops. This is fantastic and gives me so much hope for the future ✨

[@TimNicklas]

And, you improve your ability to self-regulate in the process.

[@user-sg8kq7ii3y]

It doesn't really matter what you teach them, honestly. Parents have less influence over their kids's outcome than they realize. Many kids today spend HUGE amounts of time on social media. Maybe you can control your kid's screen time until he's in high school, but, after that, your kid will be influenced more by social media influencers than their parents. The social media algorithms ARE DESIGNED to addict your kids to it's content. That's a fact.

[@DemetrioFilocamo]

You are putting on the same level an adult and a child

[@bobbyboiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii1222]

Maybe for some, but not all.

[@michellelisamahoney]

That was incredible. I was crying. I am currently trying to repair the relationship I have with my parents and I have to give them credit for trying. Thank you for your talk!

[@miriamhughes2958]

Love love love!!! Thank you for normailizing parents being imperfect who are striving to repair and grow all the time! So appreciate the spot on advice to repairing!

[@BruceRicard]

Excellent speech. Really love it. The only thing I think I disagree with, is telling the child "it wasn't your fault", because that's a lie. As you explain, you don't have to tell him that if he hadn't said that you wouldn't have get upset. But it doesn't make it false. He also needs to learn to say things nicely, and not criticize your meal in such a manner. That's even what you explain later. That's why I think you shouldn't tell him it wasn't his fault. You should keep this phrase for when it's really not his fault. For example, his sister might now be upset because she heard yelling in the kitchen. THAT is not her fault.

[@melodysantoni8759]

Thank you for this. As a mom of twin toddlers I understand parenting is hard. Ufffff thank you also for the crying session at the end. I was just thinking “why am I crying?!” I had a lovely childhood. But still that had an effect on me. Thank you.

[@ChildProsperity]

Nice

[@LydellAaron]

My mom shouted all the time. With my toddler, I jump straight to 11:02 without shouting, plus it gives her words to communicate. I pray I remain in that communicative state for her.

[@LuisCruz-wu5gv]

OMG! I’m on the public bus with tears in my eyes. This hit me so hard. Thank you for this 🙏🏽

[@orffrocks5667]

I did that when my son’s were grown. What a difference it has made in our relationships. My (psychologist) mother never did that with me (us). Great TT.

[@taken6177]

What. An. Amazing. Presentation!!!!!! Needed this reminder to repair the damage I've caused my sons throughout their chilhoods. Gotta go prepare...

[@Whosonthird]

I wish you knew how impactful your talk has become 🙏 you’ve changed lives

[@Nickgohcy]

This has got to be the BEST parenting advice that I have heard ever since becoming a parent myself.

[@AsclepiusDream]

I'm going through a few TED Talks for a college speech assignment and this video was by far the best. The topic is one of great importance to me and helped greatly. This presentation was formatted very well and really held my attention. Great job and congratulations on your success. I am looking forward to viewing more of your presentations. Thank you.

[@geneherald8169]

I'm glad you got value out of it, but I think she's overcomplicating it. In the example she gave, they just didn't understand each other's valid feelings. The child doesn't understand the mom's stress, and the mom doesn't understand the child's desire to eat different food. They just need to talk it out. All the other things she said just sound unnecessary or even psych mumbo jumbo

[@Mary_Be93]

I just LOVE Dr. Becky and am thrilled this concept of repair is going to get the visibility this world needs.

[@BbyDAp]

i grew up with an unmedicated single schizophrenic mother (refused to take treatment as she didn’t believe the diagnosis). I remember vividly thinking that if I was good, she wouldn’t have extra stress and go into psychosis. Even if the yelling wasn’t at me, the impact was tremendous on my emotional state. She would often go into a state of clarity where should would cry and apologize for the trauma she caused… followed by a rant about all the government agents and demons that were trying to kill us. I understand it’s not necessarily her fault and have consequently had to learn these self regulation techniques to the extreme. I’m 23 now and I can’t wait to employ better parenting practices on my future children❤ Great and informative talk!

[@juliadavies8352]

I am so sorry for your childhood.. you are an amazing human being, and you will be a great parent

[@EmeraldSky33]

I'm so sorry you had to grow up around psychosis. My dad didn't experience psychosis, but his moods would swing wildly from happy to yelling within 90 seconds over practically nothing. He was so unpredictable that I tried to be as "good" as possible to avoid setting him off. It was just screaming, never hitting, but in some ways it was much more damaging because I couldn't even point to what he had done that had traumatized me so badly. I hope you know that you don't have to be good to be lovable and loved. You're wonderful even when you mess up.

[@Respectreality7]

I saw such an improvement with just empathizing with my kids that I missed the last important step (until this week): "what can we do better next time?" And just in this week I've seen my children picking better choices to problems we have endured for years. 😊❤

[@PatriciaHadley-ip8mb]

Bah! I so love you Becky. Thank you for being SO KIND, and helping with practical help…

[@syl2372]

Wow - the 2 stories are very powerful. I could immediately relate to ‚the chicken‘ story as I am a working mum with 2 teenagers. For me connecting with nature e.g. going for a walk helps before a ‚repair‘ or any other listening conversation with them.

[@cashmiller2999]

By far one of all time favorite TED talks. Comment section is giving me hope for humanity.

[@SzymonKownacki1]

Great talk that brought back a lot of memories from the past. This should be watched by all the parents every now and then.

[@emilyshotwellboivin26]

Yes!!!! Dr. Becky and TED in one place? Literally was listening to her Good Inside audible a few hours ago. So thankful for you and what you share.

[@sofia344]

So happy you did a TED Talk, you are the best Becky! You helped me change my relationship with my child and myself ❤

[@emilyshotwellboivin26]

❤❤❤

[@DemandCapture]

Thank you TED, I just discovered Dr Becky Kennedy today. My kids will def have a more meaningful life

[@rodolforodriguez2592]

I was choking on my breakfast. Exceptional message. Many parents need to make phone calls.

[@lesliewaggoner6797]

This is so beautiful, Dr. Becky! So expertly communicated with love and compassion and understanding. You're a blessing to all of us parents!!!! 👏🏻

[@matebogomangaba8408]

we do it for our kids, we reparent ourselves while we parent our kids.

[@skitziscarlett9484]

I searched for this video for someone else but found it so useful and am 💯 gonna use it with my grownup daughter. Thank you 😌

[@InspiringKeynoteSpeakers]

. It's so true that we all make mistakes, especially as parents, but the key is learning how to repair those moments of disconnection. It's never too late to apologize and make amends with our children, and I love the idea of teaching them valuable skills like regulating their emotions and communicating effectively.

[@user-sg8kq7ii3y]

Well, we first need to teach them not to complain when their mother is cooking a beautiful dinner for them. If I were cooking dinner for my family, and one of my kids complained that the chicken I was cooking was "disgusting", then he would not be eating any dinner that night. And I would not yell at him or get into a shouting match with him. All I would say to him is, "No dinner for you tonight until you can truly appreciate the privilege of having food to eat." And that would be that.

[@Archongamer]

As someone over 50 that imaginary letter exercise brought tears to my eyes.

[@ThisOldMan-ya472]

That is your perspective. Unleashing anger toward people, especially your children, is an important expression, if you remain in control of your emotions. Shielding your child from such outbursts, does not provide the tools necessary for your child to face the world, where they will often encounter such situations. Your child, will learn their comments need to be reigned in, and that Mom or Dad does not stop loving them, but is showing ways to deal with conflict. Repairing, is something everyone should learn too.

[@Mofidow101]

Steps for Repairing Relationships:- Step one is recognizing the rupture or disconnection. Step two involves taking responsibility for one's behavior and acknowledging its impact on others. The speaker emphasizes the importance of differentiating repair from a simple apology.

[@aldikaputriandita1154]

😢😢😢

[@utsaxman]

This video showing up in my feed is proof that our devices are listening to us.😂 I needed this today.

[@Tsuki7786]

Same😅 at least it's using the power for good. I felt I needed something like this but didn't know where to start

[@ButterflyBlueSky]

Wow that phone call exercise had me in tears. Just imagining what that would feel like, what it would be like to hear those words come from my parents ..i guess I need that call more than I realized ..maybe one day I’ll get it ..hoping against hope. 🤞🏽 Until then, I will never stop repairing with my child. I will do so until I take my last breath. They will know what accountability looks like and that they are safe, loved, and respected. 🙏🏽

[@thelennon07]

This is gold. All parents should listen to this!

[@ea7115]

Heartbreaking, true, and healing , touched me deeply, to tears Thank you so much ! 🙏🏻

[@alvinakhair7009]

I was a perfect mom until I actually had children 🤭

[@Ella-y5c3s]

I too, was a better parent to someone else's kids! 😂😂 After having mine, who is 2. I can't consume enough patenting educational videos! Thankfully, with the information available, we can improve on what we thought we knew! It's a beautiful thing when the ego takes a back seat. Anything is possible! ❤

[@kellykopis6059]

Haha, same.

[@MakaEnzoOfficial]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤭

[@JudyAbbott494]

Haha 😂😂😂

[@Just_a_Katie]

Right

[@KellyEnterprises]

I get that this is about regulating your own behavior and rectifying damage done by being harsh.... But let's not also forget to address that the child needs to learn gratitude. Would love to hear how the "professional, ideal" parent responds. "It makes me feel X when you Y?" Too often I feel modern parents forget the teaching and discipline side of parenting.... If my kid said that at a friend's house I failed as a parent.

[@doc355]

True! and do you think they learn by a lecture or us telling them that? Probably more about modeling it before them. We do 2 highs, 1 low as a reflection from the day. Good stuff.

[@unixtreme]

I’m no expert and far from perfect as a parent, but if I snap and yell at my kid I give it s few minutes to calm down and apologize, explain that it’s wrong, and try to do better.

[@SeanLumly]

Well done. Seriously. I've found it an exceedingly rare trait to take accountability and commit to improvement. And I'm talking about a serious commitment, not an empty gesture. Most people I've met (and I mean nearly all) blame others and justify their actions, and only consider personal betterment when it's attached to self-service.

[@Geekabibble]

That's exactly what I just said to the screen. If you snapped at them and know you are wrong, you give both of you a few minutes to calm down and then go in and apologize. I'd also explain how it feels to be a parent who has to figure out dinners and when people in the house are rude about it that it hurts/feels bad. The child needs to learn to say things in a better way also.

[@raphaelnej8387]

Most human beings hate acknowledging their mistakes

[@tomreingold4024]

The speaker makes a distinction between apology and repair. Do you?

[@lesagent]

Thank you for putting this rule into words. I too lost my cool momentarily but also tried to apologised later on

[@joearmstrong2673]

There are literally thousands of developmental resources, including this talk, that tell us "what to do next" (i.e. not "nothing"). Also, while single incidents of behaviour might not define who you are (at least to yourself), a behavioural pattern, on the other hand, might. That aside, good content/advice/guidance in relation to "repair."

[@Mary_Be93]

How to repair: 7:33 Step 1: Repair with yourself 8:41 Step 2: Repair with your child -- 1) Name what happened; 2) take responsibility; 3) state what you would do differently the next time.

[@taimishejavali580]

And don’t forget speak to your child about their inappropriate behaviour and what and how that should change in future.

[@cbn1362]

This is so brilliant, a must watch video for every parent! Thank you for your contribution!

[@ChildProsperity]

I agree with you

[@bobbao2027]

What a profound TED Talk! I almost teared up. It's been a long time since I've seen a talk like this. Thanks!

[@AAA77444]

Listening to you, Becky, has just made up my day! Wow! Thanks!

[@paulo4371]

Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus helped me with PTSD and parenting. All of their advice help me with my day to day management. Good actions and good intentions towards my children. I don’t dwell on the past and let faith decide for my children.

[@marcelasvirbelovakuziakova7517]

I love you I really admire your work,your honesty,I am mummy of two children, had a bed argument with my 12 year's old son on Saturday, definitely going to repair,for sure I do try my best all the time,but I am still selfish from one point, feeling down lately, training to find my passion, don't like going to my work, because I do complain about what I don't like,the system there,my colleague they don't like when I say what I think,it is stressful and unmotivated me all the way I am in position when I can't do anything,have no childcare... anyway,thank you appreciate it everything, sending hugs and love 💕

[@julianak4815]

No TedTalk has ever moved me as much as this one has! Brilliant.

[@Breathewithbrock]

I’m a 42 year old male with 4 daughters. 3 of whom are in my life because of mistakes I’ve made. Thank you for this it brought tears to my eyes.

[@kawaiksify]

Admit fault & always apologize to your kids. My mom was verbally abusive & has never apologized. I choose to break that cycle w/my kids.

[@austenpowers]

This is so true & useful to hear, understand, absorb and practise. Thank you, from a separated dad to an amazing 14 year old young man ❤

[@Parentingandchildcare]

Good to listen to this over a year. Repair is very important. It's not just about the parents winning but about what impression and reality it leaves the child with. In my channel I talk about how parents could do the best thing they do better for their children.

[@rosenjeri2548]

This is so insightful 👏🏾. I wish I could receive such a call, but I probably will never. Not because my mum has passed away, no. And not because she is narcissistic and toxic, no. But because she continues to live in the very environment that made her be the expressive mother she was. I would not be surprised if I am even blamed for being the reason she stayed. But she is alive this far, isn't she. But is she really alive on the inside? Am I and my siblings alive on the inside? I pray 🙏🏾 we are more aware parents to our kids to allow for rupture and repair 🙏🏾. I love you, mum wherever you are, I always will.

[@amandabaus6513]

It is so hard to self-regulate when you were never taught as a child. I do find that teaching it to the next generation - even if it is hard to practice what you preach - has its own self-healing capacity. My parents will probably never take ownership of their shortcomings, but my inner child is listening and there's a similar effect when I own up for mine.

[@user-sg8kq7ii3y]

Very convenient for kids to simply blame their parents. It gives them someone to blame rather than accepting that, perhaps, some of the blame lies with them as well. I mean, if you blame your parents for their shortcomings, then isn't it justified that your parents also blame your grandparents? What are we going to do? Are we going to just keep blaming the previous generations until we go all the way back to Adam and Eve, so that we can, ultimately, blame Eve for eating that damn apple??

[@samairaahmed3458]

Thank you I'm crying that end was just hit the nail on the head 😢

[@barrycole5930]

That last part is really powerful. Go watch “Good Will Hunting”, the scene with Robin Williams telling a messed up young Matt Damon…”its not your fault” over and over. Truly heartbreaking and impactful, and really shows in the darkest of examples that even older children when told, and believe, that it isn’t their fault, find a way out of trauma and into acceptance and healing. Of course if he was a little terror and it is their fault something happened then this wont work but lets assume this is not the case, then micro adjustments and ongoing healing can be a powerful tool to raising confident emotionally stable young adults.

[@aBigBadWolf]

Yes, be nice. Foster the relationships you have and repair them when something goes wrong. But maybe, just maybe, we should not forget to also teach our children to be more resilient in the face of "aggression" .

[@jimidler6561]

This Ted Talk should play on TV every year on Christmas or Thanksgiving, nationwide. So thought out and so well explained.

[@ashleyreina7914]

Incredible!!! Same advise I share with families I work with. Repair matters 100%

[@nicholasteong2485]

3 elements: name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently the next time.I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kichen. I' m sorry I yelled I'm sure that felt scary. it' wasn't your fault. I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated

[@josephcruz669]

But what if the reaction to that is “but why were you frustrated?”. How do you answer that without seeming like you are putting blame on the other person, or “re-writing” that to make yourself the bad guy?

[@taimishejavali580]

Don’t forget to speak to the child about their offensive behaviour and why it is not acceptable and how he can express himself appropriately in the future.

[@petersenjessem]

This is a very relevant, substantive and advanced approach to repairing and maintaining healthy relationships, for parents and children and all relationships. Thank you ❤ It’s an invaluable lesson amongst all of the media noise.