Why some people worry their partners cheat | Katrin Berndt | TEDxMariehamn

Could your partner be cheating on you right now? You might think that happiness comes naturally when you find "the one." But for a lot of people, it doesn't. Because now, all of a sudden, you need to live with the risk of losing "the one" instead. In her insightful talk, relationship coach Katrin Berndt shares the one choice you need to make in order to enjoy your good relationship today--even if it ends tomorrow.
Katrin Berndt is an ex-grumpy girlfriend turned relationship coach. After years of suffering from jealousy, anxiety, and low self-esteem, she now helps girlfriends all over the world overcome these issues in order to finally enjoy their good relationships.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@deedieducati2272]

Here's my take after 60 years of experience. People who have been seriously hurt in the past are more likely to worry that this will happen again. Your job in life is to learn from your experiences. Worrying about it happening again can actually cause it to happen (so stop worrying). You should use your "concern" or "experience" to make logical decisions to protect yourself financially & physically in case it happens again, but dwelling on it will make you miserable. Be sure to share with your partner what your past experience was and your concerns. If they love you they will be supportive and do their best to put your mind at ease. If they don't, then they are selfish & not worth your time. Never hold on to a relationship in the hopes of changing someone or because of fear of being alone. Thank me later. -divorced, alone & happier than I've ever been.

[@jh3142]

If anyone doesn't get it - enjoy the moment for what it is. Don't ruin your life by worrying about things that may not happen.

[@SKiLLsSoLoN]

Expectations and assumptions get us into so many problems with ourseleves and others.

[@uvp5000]

This talk tied together a number of thoughts I've had for a while and pointed me in a direction I had not thought about due to the sometimes divergent nature of those thoughts.

[@makeracistsafraidagain]

We worry about funny things. But things that can hurt. My wife is older, smarter and better educated than I am. And from a different culture. That was a little intimidating at first. Trusting her, we have been together for over 40 years.

[@hannahberlinpetry450]

As someone who has been with a covert narcissist who lied about most of their identity and abandoned me for another woman while I was recovering from surgery, I will say this. The fear of being betrayed again is real for me. I’m more vigilant about who I give my heart to and how much they get, but there’s a chance I could still be betrayed and deceived by a person I trust. I know that if I am hurt like that again, that’s a them problem, not my problem. I am not going to hold that responsibility.

[@efib5514]

this doesnt mean that all women/men are exaggerating when their instinct and logic tells them something is wrong with the behaviour of their partner...

[@coastalcassi]

Very well done Katrin! I’ve been watching your videos for at least 10 years. It’s so nice to see you again ♥️🫶🏼

[@everitadave]

desire to be loved creates fear of being cheated on. instead - desire to love heals the desire to be loved.

[@MS113MS]

At 0:38, the word unsupervised was used... That gets me thinking that was more of a relationship that is supervisor and subordinate in style.... 😊

[@HelgaGruen]

Pretty sure that was humorous- that part made me laugh 😊

[@cdjtft]

The age of social media has created this, and it has happened to me. Now, I am rebuilding my life

[@nadiadevilliers4721]

Excellent 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 Thank you!! Life changing!

[@bukurie6861]

Thank you for your talk❤🫠

[@kh8690]

Cause it's happened to me many times. Despite therapy, not drinking or partying, working a7nd raising my kids, I'm simply lacking.

[@chelseabunker2391]

You ARE not lacking… but i liked this comment because it resonates. Many people at least in my age group (38) in the US do actually cheat. I have been cheated on often despite being a cute blonde. And many cheating men have tried to approach me out with girl friends, on social media, grocery shopping… it is bizarre to me and also hurtful for all involved. So now, i expect people to be cheaters & liars unfortunately

[@christopher-miles]

it's just a form of anxiety.

[@kobikaicalev175]

Yes! I think this concept of Preparation Pain, helps me now cope with other forms of Anxiety indeed!

[@Pinkfrogz]

Thank you Kat 🌸💕 You’re such an intelligent young lady ❤

[@JBthree24]

No matter how good you have it matter how much money you make no matter what your status is, no matter how good you are to your partner and to their family, no matter how good of a parent you are no matter how much you both have together for about how long you’ve been together…. NOBODY is exempted from cheating or being cheated on.

[@GuidetteExpert]

Not really true. :''D This is just a cope for people that got cheated on.

[@kdaviper]

​@@GuidetteExpertand this sounds like cope for a cheater

[@GuidetteExpert]

@@kdaviper Yea or that. In other cultures they think its normal to beat their wife. :'D I personally prefer to get beaten than get cheated on because it ruined me and stole many years of my life after that incident.

[@camilaferrari4128]

Love it!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️❤️❤️

[@stvmckinney]

Thank you soooo much. This speaks to me is such a massive way. For myself. I wan to live in NO PREPARATION PAIN. But always dealing properly with surprise pain. Pain is pain and both hurt but seriously wan to live for God and avoid prepared pain like it will never happen. I was very well prepared for pain and it came every time. And hurt the same. God bless you and your message! 15:07

[@H.Hegde33]

I really love her Swedish language way of teaching

[@at6683]

Is that what that dramatic tone is called?

[@Nathan_Drake553]

Just install a software on his phone and laptop to grab everything he is writing

[@simplysunmoon]

❤️🌝🌜 whau you just placed all that in words so nicely! This is exactly true for me too!

[@kobikaicalev175]

Thank you, the concept of Surprise Pain helps me cope with other forms of anxiety. Also more openness and communication i tye relationship helps me cope there

[@richerthaniam9067]

As a guy my response to heartbreak is to get drunk and high that way it numbs the pain.I used to get so stoned to the point where i would forget peoples names.All to forget my partner and the pain that came with it.I was scared to open up cuss i didnt feel like a real man i was like im ok im a man ill get through it eventhough i was crying myself to sleep at night i started to self-harm it wasn't good but im better now.

[@killertruth186]

I don’t think this is what only women would feel about cheating, let alone felt like being cheated when it is just a pseudo relationship.

[@stevecitac6723]

Wow 😮 this explains a lot! I would never think that this can be explained by science

[@margotdenise5091]

This is not science 😂

[@sjgrall]

I had at least one ex that was convinced. It wasn’t true. It was a projection of his own insecurities, by his own admission over 10 years later. I fall too hard when committed to ever be able to cheat, but yet, so many have feared I’m “too good to be true” and must be hiding something. I’ve been single for over a decade; I’ve tried dating but no one seems interested in sticking around. Guess I’ll just be alone, all this potential wasted. I’m very particular and won’t settle for less than true compatibility.

[@LemCatOfficial]

It isn't your fault if other people decide to assume who you are and hurt you-and themselves-in the process; "wasting potential." It is your choice though to keep trying or not based on if you think your potential is worth it! Someone out there in your future encounters probably thinks the same way. 😊

[@dragonfly9209]

Me too...mine was obsessed. He kept trying to "catch me", by bugging phones, surviellance tactics, etc. None of this worked for him, he never found any evidence, because there was none to be had. So...with no evidence whatsoever, he began to just flat out accuse me....with anybody, and everybody. I was walking on eggshells--never talking to anybody, etc, ...to try and curb his jealousy. I thought his insecurities would improve over time--no such luck--he only got worse. After 20+ years, I was suffocating, and had all I could take. I asked him to leave--he didn't want to--but he did. The weight that fell off of me after he left---I could BREATHE for the 1st time in decades. This ruined the idea of any future potential relationships for me. Just not interested at all. Incidentally, he never got into another relationship either. He actually said to me later on...."I never want to do to another woman--what I did to you".

[@sjgrall]

@@dragonfly9209 I am so sorry you went through that!!! What a story!

[@dragonfly9209]

@@sjgrall Thank you so much. I didn't realize it at the time--but later heard that this kind of behavior is extreme emotional abuse. I know there must be wonderful men out there who are not damaged like he is....but I didn't want to chance going through this again, so I choose freedom. Thanks again for your kind words.

[@Art8157]

Very adorable woman with a nice well-trained voice. I think her profession is a journalist or a teacher.

[@mentesymanoscreativas]

Amazing. 🎉thank you. I am going through that pain right now, and I never see it coming, I never prepare for it, and never thought about preparation pain, I trusted him and he betrayed me, but I am here not ashamed of what he did to me. Because that mistake was the decision he made. Great topic.

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

Woah! Katrin Berndt what a pleasant surprise!

[@WalterWhiteTagalog]

Wow, watching her tattoo/piercing videos from a long time ago to this . Just wow

[@ahmedhmedan]

thank your tolk

[@soniad1]

The interpretation of cheating is deeply cultural. There are cultures that don’t worry that much about cheating. Open marriages, couples swap are a fact in them, and then there are cultures that kill each other over cheating.

[@sallydavidson4471]

I'd rather be alone than lonely in a relationship!

[@johndoles3713]

Could’ve would’ve should’ve🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@BradTech.]

I did not realize why I was acting this way 😱

[@charlieangkor8649]

She’s afraid she is being cheated on because it’s pretty possible she is. The treatment you get in a relationship is not worse than the best alternative minus the cost of switching.

[@animegrl207]

I'm not married but my fiance did cheat on me ..2 month before our marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ now was I shock? Yes. Did it break my heart? Yes? How did i handle it? I got angry on how my valuable time was wasted and needed to get up again to prepare for a new day .. I stop thinking about my fiancee 2 weeks later after I got my stuff back didn't turn back and didn't bother trying to get an explanation because I don't like wasting time

[@CindyWoodman]

Ooh, the trauma responses....

[@machrisosoriov.5136]

In spanish, please

[@ItzDeshawn]

Women call that preparation of pain their INTUITION😂

[@jbug884]

My husband calls me 3-4 times a day, he says it’s because he loves me, but I feel controlled and it’s driving me away. I’ve even blocked his number and forgot, so he bought me a new phone thinking mine was broken 😂

[@nun-chan9433]

How many times have you said that my partner could be cheating on me right now!. How many times have you said that try to throw yourself under the bus? I suppose your brain has been invaded by your way of thinking. I'm an inter mediate English learner. Your talk is comprehensible for me thanks to repetition of some phrases/not too many unknown word/familiar theme. I'll make your talk shadowing text for my language skill.

[@realnaveen]

Conscious of singles doubles etc must be clear on this holy subject. Are you talking of fancy term called transparency 🤭

[@AaronHalliday]

It took her this long to diagnose insecure attachment.... Maybe her clients should be seeing a psychologist instead of her.

[@sekaiomiruhitokaminoyume5426]

I don’t expect to much about this video, let’s see

[@awesomeblossomsenglishlear5710]

Hey Good morning I also want to be there

[@KemalKaratatar]

Therefore I have three affairs in three cities 😂

[@anoncapitalist7045]

Because she cheated on people before. She's projecting

[@xSongbird]

This is bs Its the Same for me Most od the Time Its the Low selfeesteem or past experinces like Ur dad cheated on Ur mom

[@christopher-miles]

omg! you can tell she has cried in the car listening to parkway and mcr on the way home from her ex's house.

[@SemrabTeklom-zn2tn]

You from me woman: i love so much: i want face you: you say ok :i have education art's songer ❤::

[@joeldwest]

The better option is security. The better option is Socialism.

[@grmpEqweer]

Yes, sir, but this is still a Wendy's.

[@paulgodin1522]

The "preparation pain" probably comes from the bad decisions in her past by dating the "bad boys" who treated her like that and, instead of learning from that experience, kept choosing the same type of guy. "Choosing to be surprised" just means she found her naive "nice guy" that she knows will put up with just about anything and think that he's lucky to have her.

[@ludwigantoninosanctoper]

Gender dinamics are not the same between members, for women the consecuences will always be greater on the negative side, 'cause of their emotionalism.

[@deedieducati2272]

Not all women are "emotional" like you think they are. Lack of estrogen causes women to act more like a man does, without emotion.

[@dickdarlington3559]

Weird. I know way more women who cheat than men. If you don't have a set of morals and ethics, your options tend to determine your actions. Edit: Like half of the men I know don't even have anyone to cheat on, let alone a spare.

[@greekgamer5845]

There are a lot of human emotions there is grief anger jealousy, love, hate and many more no one gender is predesposed to have certain emotions or not have at all

[@ludwigantoninosanctoper]

@@deedieducati2272 that's the exception

[@ludwigantoninosanctoper]

@@greekgamer5845 indeed, yet the order how you proccess them affects your reality, we are not the same, we are not equal, basic Middle school biology