Strategies and Scripts to Start Setting Healthy Boundaries With Family - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Do you have difficulty setting boundaries with your family of origin? What did you learn about boundaries growing up? What are some boundary violations you've experienced with your family? Remember to download the guide here for scripts and journal prompts: www.terricole.com/strategies-scripts-to-start-setting-boundaries-with-family-guide

[@sayusayme7729]

All of them and then some. Healing still , so grateful for the amazing content and support here. Thank you so much ♥️

[@jue2298]

9:23 damn i've never feel so related before she just described my entire childhood

[@terri_cole]

Glad you felt seen ❤️

[@jennb3387]

The scripts are great. Not many people actually break family boundary advice down to this level but (for me at least) it was what was needed. I literally didn't know how to string a sentence together to express what I wanted/thought/felt, as I suppose I had no experience of doing that around my family so no reference point, I needed a real 'these are the words we use' 101, like teaching a child manners. Not a pro yet but getting good!

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful 💕 Many of us lack a reference point when it comes to boundaries! That's why I'm obsessed with teaching them. It is an essential skill we can all learn if we just have the tools.

[@sayusayme7729]

Wow, really needed this. Haven’t seen my mother in person for 8 yrs. I’ve tried for over 30 years to repair our relationship. Thank you for sharing this. We would need help I think, but first i think she would want to be vulnerable enough to heal the wounds, we’ve both created because of generational trauma. 🧡

[@terri_cole]

Generational trauma is very real and difficult to navigate 💕 I did an interview with Dr. Mariel Buque about it here, in case you're interested in watching!: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iJW9mKKaoq98qqs

[@tacocat510]

This was amazing...

[@ellesutopia]

I had a traumatic childhood and teenage years because of a disastrously dysfunctional family of origin. Now in the last month of age 38, I feel that my hard work to grow as a person despite all the negative influence is paying off and I’m finally getting out of the “teenage phase” where every interpersonal interaction is a conflict. A sign is that I’m now wanting to learn to set healthy boundaries. This video helps me get started on setting healthy boundaries with a narcissistic mother who gets on my nerves.

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo!! Go you! 💕 I have a video specifically on narcissistic mothers here that may be helpful, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rp2beYGoYr-mrJY

[@christelnielandt5117]

Dear Terri, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Since my father passed away 5 years ago, my mum wants to depend on me and my bro much more. We need to be around whenever she feels the need. Truth is, she is gonna be 80 this year. Funny, my bro ( age 57 ) got married yesterday for the very first time. There has been SO much drama between my bro, mum and I on the people my bro invited for his wedding. My mum had such high expectations and she still feels very much disappointed. I have done some work on myself and part of me realizes,my bro does not need to explain himself. His wedding, his money, etc. SOOOOOOO exhausting being HSP,myself. I feel SO relieved the wedding is over. Time to move on. Love to explain my mum ( again 🙁 ) that my bro is entitled to live his life as he wants to. My bro and I both are adults ( I keep on telling her yet she does NOT listen ), she treats us like children. Any advice is more than welcome. Love to continue to listen to your video as it is SO valuable. I listened to the aging parents video too. Huge thanks for your work / effort 🙏❤️🌷

[@terri_cole]

I think you're spot on when you say "part of me realizes, my bro does not need to explain himself." I think you could take that a step further and say you also do not need to explain yourself, or your brother's decisions, to your mother. 💕 If your mother has proven time and time again that she isn't able to listen, it might be time to stop engaging with her on certain topics. You can still love people from a distance. If you haven't yet tried setting explicit boundaries with her, you could try that first. "Hey mom, I'm not looking for input or advice on this. I just want a compassionate ear." If she keeps insisting she knows best, "I've already told you I am not looking for advice. Please stop offering. If you do not stop, then I will no longer talk about this with you." The next time it happens, you can then say, "In the past, I know we've talked about this, but as I told you, I am no longer open to discussing it with you because I am not looking for input. Why don't we talk about X instead?" When setting boundaries, you have to be willing to stick by them. Consistency is key. If she tries asking you about your brother, you can simply say, "That's for him to share and not any of my business." I hope that helps 💕

[@christelnielandt5117]

Wonderful !!! Huge thanks !!! 🙏🙏🙏🌷🥰

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️

[@denisel780]

Wow, this is excellent! I love the tips as far as what to say too. Relationships can be so complicated at times and we really can be clueless as far as how we are coming across. My daughter nicely pointed out my tendency to give too much advice and I've stopped. I was grateful she told me. SO much wonderful info here on family boundaries, thank you!!!!!

[@terri_cole]

I love that you were able to receive that from your daughter 💕 Way to go for both of you!

[@Josepanimator]

Really helpful!! Thank you so much! ❤

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful for you ❤️

[@Shanshanmoon]

Preach ms terri 👏

[@maevey3]

Excellent

[@francesfigueroa3793]

I freaking love you for doing these videos. I am so interested in setting boundaries it's so needed as part of self care.

[@terri_cole]

I have many, many more videos about boundaries here, and an entire book and workbook on boundaries, too! 💕 I'm obsessed because I really believe boundaries are the key to our sovereignty 🔥

[@sunnylight5753]

❤Thank You Terri Cole.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome 💕

[@albatross0175]

Thank you so much for this. As a student in your RLR course, I absolutely absolutely need these scripts.

[@terri_cole]

I got you 💕

[@LeighEdwards-no5tk]

Great one! I found that I was crossing boundaries w my girls as well as my Mom is an auto advice giver. Thanks! ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad you received those insights while watching 💕

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

I am 33 going on 34, and even when I was in College while we were in the same state, she wanted to be at my Dr. appts. Even IN the ROOM with me. Absolutely not. I am so glad I am in a different state and rarely see her or hear from her. And I think we got a little bit parentified when we were kids and they were divorcing. It got so ugly.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear that 💕 I have a video on child parentification coming in a few weeks that might help shed light on that.

[@tacocat510]

Yup, same here. She pressured me so much even in my late 30s. When I stopped telling her I had doctor's appointments then she would pester and pester about why I wasn't doing my regular checkups. I told her I was but then she was like, but, if you are going then why am I not going??? Then she progressed once I was out of state to sending her my blood work since only she could understand and interpret it for me.....the light finally turned on at 40 when her interference stressed me out so much and I chose to release that into my husband and children, my husband asked me to move out. We ended up going to counseling and all this came out and I realized I was allowing my own mother to control me even from out of state and at 40 years old. I determined to figure out how to identify and stop it all. Took me 2 years of 6 hours a day of listening to therapists address all the issues to sort most of it out. I tried working through it with my mother after year one and continued for four years. Finally, when I realized her absolute resistance was holding me in the pattern, I told her that I have been changing and growing up and if she wasn't able to accept that and change and grow with me, then I would have to leave her behind, but that I was going forward on my journey towards health and happiness. She threw a fit, smeared my and my husband's names to entire extended family to the point I had to go low contact with her. Now we only text and I haven't seen her in over a year. She blames my husband and accused him of controlling ME but I know this is just her lashing out because she wants to punish me emotionally in an attempt to ruin my new self confidence and keep me with her in the center of my life, thoughts and actions. I appreciated this therapist acknowledging the pain it causes even a grown adult when their parent disparages their lives. The doctor visits are just one piece of the pie and I hope you find your freedom, with or without your family of origin. Try your best to include them in your journey as I still value family but don't let them clip your wings if they want to stick their heads in the sand and keep things the same as when you were a child. Cheers to freedom for us all....

[@grump9001]

"-With a little more heat, if you need to"- that's something I would love more expanded and talking about anger, lol :) cuz thats one of my big issues. I want to talk to mom with love, and be putting these boundaries up with love. But it is hard to feel and express that when still dealing with a lot of anger. I keep trying to logic myself out of the anger, to vent the anger, to process it, but it's still there because she hasn't done what would make it feel better- and I know never will. So I try to deal with the anger myself... but its very in the way when I'm trying to be loving.

[@terri_cole]

You absolutely need to honor your anger! 💕 I go into it a bit more in this video at the 11 minute mark (it's about narcissistic mothers, but it may resonate): kzbin.info/www/bejne/rp2beYGoYr-mrJY And I also have this blog on honoring anger: www.terricole.com/manage-honor-your-anger/ (The video unfortunately has a volume glitch) It makes complete sense to honor your anger first. And we do not always need to set boundaries with love and kindness, especially if the person in question is a repeat boundary violator. Sometimes, we need to set consequences. I have a video about that here, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKPJmmVqiKZ8hck

[@birdie6916]

Super helpful, Terri. Thank you! Do you have any videos regarding setting boundaries with overbearing siblings?

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome, Birdie 💕 I don't have videos about boundaries with siblings specifically, although I mention a few boundaries I've had to set with sisters who kept stealing my clothes! I know you've seen a lot of my content- what would you like to know about specifically? Does the auto-advice giving not apply here- are they overbearing in a different way?

[@birdie6916]

@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri! yes, seen a lot of your wonderful, helpful content and often comment because it feels like a safe space on the internet. Haha--my sibling is overbearing in a way that is just completely opposite to my personality. Judgmental, snide, and competitive comments, which I know come from a place of insecurity inside of her. Because I'm an HSP, the comments often derail me. Also, she constantly texts me and complains about everything and anything. I've been better about just not answering and not fueling the fire in order to stop the anxious barrage. I know we'll never have the sister relationship I desire, so I have gotten that bond elsewhere from close gal pals.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Birdie 💕 I feel you as a fellow HSP and empath. We have to protect our energy, and being around constant complaining is actually pretty bad for our health! Try these videos: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5iqkJ-pd5ushLs - Proactive Plan for Empaths & Highly Sensitive People kzbin.info/www/bejne/mJmqfGSMrLCEqMk - Energy Vampires and How to Avoid Them kzbin.info/www/bejne/eoGsiJWajpWNo5o - Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People They're not sibling-specific, but hopefully they'll give you some ideas! You would be absolutely in your right to set a boundary with your sister that she not text you complaints so often (say you're on a negativity fast). Or you can possibly silence her texts specifically and choose to look at them on your own time so that they aren't bombarding you. If she's judgmental, you can say, "I am sharing with you how I feel, not asking for your opinion." If you think she could receive it, you could also gently let her know how her comments affect you and that you are setting these boundaries in order to maintain a relationship with her. It has to work for you, too, you know? Hope that helps xo

[@birdie6916]

@@terri_cole Thank you SO SO SO much for these helpful videos and tips! You are the best, Terri! 💞

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@candorablecando8093]

I’m 61 and this is still an issue!!!

[@terri_cole]

You are so not alone 💕

[@lekssri4612]

Kindly explain how to put strong boundaries with a mom who is narcissist in nature. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

I have specific videos about narcissistic mothers on my channel, but in short, there is no good way to set boundaries with them as narcissists tend to be boundary destroyers. If you don't want to lessen contact or go no contact, then I'd recommend the grey rock method, where you become as boring as possible. Stick to facts and not emotions. Make it a business-like, professional interaction. If she goes off track, bring it back to the topic you're trying to address, over and over again. Don't get roped into the bait. Hope that helps ❤️

[@beverlyhogan3682]

Re: your ? about examples.... Demanding that you prioritize them above all else Manipulating information between family members to incite conflict or competition Revealing intimate highly personal details about a family member or friend without their consent Remaining angry and instead when you explain your cannot keep up with their level of activity and speech Pressuring you to maintain a relationship with an explosive family member because “no one else can handle them” and they need help So many possibilities

[@terri_cole]

Yes to all of this- thank you for sharing! ❤️

[@Shanshanmoon]

I needed this me in my mom stay together and im tired of feeling like a child and i pay rent but my mom make me still feel like a child

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you're feeling that way in your relationship with your mom ❤️

[@Martty_4]

My partner has siblings who r like this controlling