Setting Healthy Boundaries | Terri on The Higher Self Podcast with Danny Morel

[@terri_cole]

Let me know if you had any boundary or codependency takeaways from my conversation with Danny 🔥 And remember to check out his show- www.youtube.com/@DannyMorelshow

[@pachachaslide]

"when you say yes when you want to say no, you are actually emotionally untrustworthy" mic drop!!! Youve done it again, Terri. Thank you for all your work

[@terri_cole]

Thank youu 💕

[@melissawilde1690]

For me, the issue with saying no is that more often than not, there is retaliation as a result, especially when there is an imbalanced power dynamic, like at work. Ive had a boss make my life hell because I refused, politely, to take on a new project because I was already at capacity, which I explained. Instead of helping me prioritise, they proceeded to devalue and micromanage my work for months to make me feel like an imposter. I'm all for setting boundaries but I feel doing it and enforcing consequences really can be difficult in the workplace, and make things worse than getting it all done while suffering internally, as you put it Terri.

[@annahappen7036]

Yeah that's a hard one. I've felt that too in family relationships. It's always ok to say yes or say nothing. It's NOT ok to say no or stand up for yourself. It's so toxic and crippling in adult life. Still trying to figure out how to rewrite my internal software.

[@terri_cole]

Workplace dynamics and power imbalances can make boundaries trickier. It is a bit easier to set boundaries with colleagues than it is to set boundaries with a boss, though the way people react to our boundaries can be valuable information that we can choose to act upon (if we're able to). Thank you for sharing your experience with us- I am so sorry your manager wasn't supportive of you. ❤️

[@carmenl163]

I've just been scolded by a twenty-something-year-old toddler at social services because I dared to question her sending me emails at 11:20 p.m. I said I was entitled to give my opinion, and her reaction was: "I refuse to accept your opinion." It was a horrible conversation, full of manipulation on her end. For instance, she had informed another colleague of hers, who, of course, agreed to her opinion. She also told me that I should take care of my mental problems first before interfering with her manner of sending emails. And she warned me that future employers of me would not be pleased with my attitude. I'm 58 years old, and I get scared of our society. There seems to be less and less straightforward communication and more narcissistic sensitivity. And I live in the Netherlands, known for its abrupt way of talking to each other! I can't even imagine what it's like in the US. This is why your work of setting healthy and respectful (both to yourself and the other person) boundaries is so important. Thank you for helping us/me out.

[@RF-nq3vi]

perhaps ask her to schedule the send for the a.m. I always schedule sends outside of my working time. not only to respect my union - saying i am working outside of my hours, but also to respect the receiver as most people have their cell phones attached to them like an umbilical cord. it is the 1 thing i do not make apologies for - that i turn off my cell regularly. i set the incoming tones for priority people - kids, partner, parents. while i LOVE my work - work can wait - i am not a firefighter who works 24/7 and can only put out fires AT my work location.

[@carmenl163]

@@RF-nq3vi Thank you. I'm pleased to say I have another case worker now, but I will make sure people know how I dislike the 24/7 society in the future. I love your analogy with a firefighter. I will use that one to clarify my preferences. Thank you!

[@moen4645]

​​@@carmenl163I am glad for you Carmen for having expressed a boundary preference that seems so right and reasonable. An email sent after 11:00pm is a late message and yes in your opinion- as the message receiver. 🙌💕

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear you had such an unpleasant interaction, Carmen 💕 Glad to hear you have a new case worker!

[@awesomemax3330]

Dear Carmen, I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I've experienced it last 2 weeks with a grown 65 years Old woman. I am 29 but she is 65. After 4 years of not keeping in touch with my patient from My Klinik, I finally decided to meet up just for casual chit chat. But after she heard me complaining of how difficult it is to take care of my stroke mother, cook and change nappy for my mother and how some grown up ladies are really mean to me at religion places, after that, this patient Lady immediately labelled me as a Narcissist person. I was shocked taken back by surprise. Oh NO. I am Not a Narcissist. But umm after waiting for her to come out of the toilet, I finally told her my opinion which is 'I am not a Narcissist" and she got offended and defensive and started to gaslight me with saying "Keep ur feedback to yourself even though u dont like me to call u a Narcissist." She accused me of arguing when I was not, i was just stating my opinion which is same thing she did at the start. And she told me that she is entitiled to feel that way." And i told her that I am expressing my Opinion that "In my view, Narcissist has more symptoms which I dont have" But she accused me that I dont know the correct definitions of narcissist but only she knows. She then accuses me of arguing and being Defensive becoz I voiced out my opinion. I was scared of her becuz she is 60++ and I was a 29 yrs Old. But i didnt accept her apology even though she sent a Whatsapp the next day. In my opinion, she sure has a lot of balls to call me a Narcissist after 4 years of not communicating And she isn't close to me at all. My anxiety and low self esteem was so great that I didn't dare to see her Whatsapp message though I can see a bit that it is about a "Sorry that our conversation...". But she also controlled the conversation on the ride dropping me off home n got mad when I tell her which lane to stay on. It was her first time driving me to my home anyways!!!. In my opinion, Older woman are just very arrogant and think too highly about themselves. They think they can label me (coz I am 29) as anything she wants, but when we tell her that I don't agree, she feels weaker and instead of just be silent, these Oldies (In Malaysia) just defend herself by attacking me back. Carmen, you are not alone. I am in the same boat with u. I get scared of this kinds of person too. Sorry i was'nt comforting u based n your main story.

[@annahappen7036]

That "easy language" is still considered "aggressive" or "confrontational" by so many people though. 😢 It's exhausting to be functional in a dysfunctional world. Though on the bright side it does help you weed out the losers you shouldn't bother with faster.

[@terri_cole]

I see you, Anna, and I am holding space for your exhaustion ❤️

[@anitoroyan272]

I learned all this at a 12- step meeting

[@awesomemax3330]

Thank u for ur video Terri. I will learn to apply many of those teachings into my life~ with friends and family. I actually like the video. You spoke loud clear and i can catch the main points easily. Awww.....Terri, I understand what it feels like too. When people cross my boundary too many times, i begin to resent, n wonder am i important to them. Like one of my male friends 2 years younger than me. He is 26 and likes me, but um, i only see him purely as friend. And we have made friendship our status...thats clear to us. But, he always break promise each time when he said he will drive to my house to meet me in Year 2022 until 2023, he breaks that promise many times.....and now i start to get curious hmmm what AM I to him. And from many people that I've talked to, my friends taught me "Well, u dont really need a friend like that do u?". So, it open my eyes to see that this guy is not really mature and faithful at promises. And, I hope he will grow and change as he gets older.

[@terri_cole]

Glad you liked the conversation 💕 Have you called out this friend on his behavior and how it is breaking the understanding that you are just friends?

[@awesomemax3330]

He has ended phone call with me one more time during the night that i told him we can only be friends. And I knew he ended the phone call on purpos. I sent him a Whatsapp text saying 'you are childish." I told him that "You have hurt my feelings too many times by ending the call without a bye-bye, and i dont want to be friends with u anymore". I felt I had enough of how he treated me. I blocked him but, um he was very kind and to not block me. He isn't the resentful or revengeful type. That's the good thing about him. But somehow my maturity is more mature in communication n fulfilling promises. Was a 4 years friendship. Just a guy i met on date app in Year 2021. Regret blocking him, but from pouring out n get advice from my own friends, they said this guy dont seem to be more responsible nor willing to change his behavior. Many more and end phone calls politely...i find he does take things personally when I teach him that u cant do things this way and he will just overreact and try to gaslight me, "Are u okay?" when clearly i am okay. But if i dont want to get hurt by him again, I better stop keeping in touch or meeting him. Sorry for my long reply Terri. Next time I'll try to reply shorter. But, i am so touch that u asked about my life. Thank you. What a privilege to communicate with u although I am from Malaysia. :)

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your experience 💕 When we set a boundary with someone and then cross it ourselves (like telling someone we no longer want to talk to them, and continuing to talk to them), we aren't being clear. We are teaching them that what they did was okay because we aren't willing to enforce the consequence we originally set. I don't think you necessarily need to regret blocking him if he is gaslighting you. You need to do what feels right for you, and if the friendship is fraught with misunderstandings and miscommunication, it may just not be a good fit and that's okay!

[@awesomemax3330]

Hi Terri Give me some time to reply. Been busy this 2 days. Thanks for ur reply. :))

[@awesomemax3330]

Hi Terri. Okay now i am free to reply u :) Thank u for explaining Terri. I've set my boundary so many times with that friend please dont hang up the call abruptly or treat me like everything is my fault. But, he still didn't change. And i told him that he must be humble to admit his mistakes too, but his pride and ego is quite high. He usually blames me for being sensitive when he said wrong things to me. By the way this guy friend is 29 same age as me. Yes, u are right, it may just not be a good fit and that's okay. Yes, you're right!! I should stop blaming myself for blocking him. I will start to remind myself i was pushed to my limit, gave him too many chances and now blocking is for my own sanity and mental health. The more i friends with this guy, the more he hurt and gaslight me and i keep defending and my feelings became devalued. I should remind myself that I cant do that any longer. Thank u for your counselling and opinion Terri. Appreciate it!! Have a good day!

[@lindagross1288]

I liked your comments on resentment. I thought I resented my Mom for being so bossy and controlling and making me beileve a man/husband is the answer for my hapinnes. Why didn't she teach me self esteem, self love, confidence, self love, etc. Too late to try to get it from her! I am trying to give it to myself and to forgive my Mom. She did the best she could with the informatopn she had at the time. I am learning to forgive, love myself, set boundaries, speak my truth. I enjoyed nhearing Danny's thoughts from a man's point of view.

[@terri_cole]

Danny had such great insights 💕 Glad you enjoyed it!

[@awesomemax3330]

I like Danny sharing his thoughts on how man thinks too :)

[@pennyhare925]

Great !! 61 yrs old good news for me to hear

[@Martty_4]

Omg why did i feel something was wrong with me when i wanted my man's attention and i felt guilty when its more about love

[@terri_cole]

Nothing is wrong with you at all 💕 As humans, we are wired for connection! Unfortunately, many of us have different attachment styles and some people are not as comfortable being with others who want their attention/time/energy. I have a video about that here with a fellow therapist and coach named Silvy: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bZ_Jc6SdatB5r6M

[@Martty_4]

@@terri_cole thank u Terri for your words of encouragement and knowledge. God bless u❤

[@sahilgulati5376]

Hey Terri, could you talk about friendships where you are always the one initiating texting? Are they worth investing your time in?

[@terri_cole]

Have you spoken to the friend about it or discussed how you feel with them? It's possible they don't realize that 1) you're putting in more effort or 2) that you mind initiating the texts. If you have spoken to them about it and they continue to do it, it's up to you how to proceed. It really depends on how much the person means to you.

[@rachelwhanger2680]

Having ADHD, I have time blindness like crazy, it's not that I'm trying to be late for everything, I just am... Every damn time.

[@terri_cole]

I see you. My comment was not a judgment on anyone who runs late, but it could be a good idea to give the people in your life a heads up if you know that about yourself. 💕

[@meganengland3252]

It gave me a chuckle when he man-splained misogyny to you and acted like it was only in Latin American communities that he had inside knowledge of, so as a white person, you wouldn’t know about it. 😂 His awakening was good news but he has a bit further to go with his new scope of vision. You were so polite in response.

[@shibishajohnson3368]

It’s also possible that he was sharing his experience because he values what she can bring to the conversation since she’s trained as a psychotherapist.