Female Friendships Can Be Complicated! (Friendship Assessment Inside!) - Terri Cole

Are your female friendships challenging?
Have you struggled to find the right crew?
Have you ever needed to “break up” with one of your female friends?
Or have you gone into therapy because of a female friendship?
If this resonates, you are not alone. In my 25 years as a psychotherapist, I can’t even begin to tell you how many women have experienced these exact things. The pain and suffering of having not-so-great female friends landed a number of them in therapy long before any romantic relationship.
But female friendships don’t have to be problematic. In today’s episode, I’m sharing the benefits of healthy female friendships, what they look like, and how to create them. I also share my own experience with female friendships and why I couldn’t live happily without my nearest and dearest pals.
Grab the free friendship assessment here: www.terricole.com/female-frie...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:28 - Why female friendships are so important to me
7:12 - Different types of female friendships
9:15 - The three questions to ask if you struggle with female friendships
10:05 - What female friendships can provide for you
13:55 - Things to consider when creating female friendships
15:16 - The sacred space I'm creating for women in my crew
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
CONNECT ON SOCIAL
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
RESOURCES:
Flourish Mastermind: terricole.com/flourish
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-on therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #friendship #community

[@terri_cole]

Are your female friendships complicated, amazing, or a little bit of both? How did you form your closest female friendships?

[@ladystudio3596]

Yes. I'm dealing with a few female friends now. Everything is a freaking competition and an opportunity for them to judge you, psychoanalyze, project, etc. Can't even tell a joke without their overthinking, psychoanalyzing or taking an opportunity to get on a soap box that has nothing to do with the joke. It's so tiring and I don't understand why a couple of my friendships started out great for the first decade but then tanked into this nonsense.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@BriaBarrows]

I’m in therapy now and it really opens your eyes to why healing yourself heals your friendships. Because friendship can feel like such a chore and even dreadful if you are aren’t aligned with the right women. It’s all about alignment. I think we are all human and there are many reasons why people act the way they do. But you have to do the work in therapy to get to the root of your issues, if you are having issues in this area.

[@ptlovelight2971]

This is wonderful Terri! All my life, even more than romantic relationships, I've always wanted a core group of good girlfriends. I did ok in elementary school, but family drama at home kept me switching schools and left me feeling anxious and socially awkward. I became shy and never grew out of it. High school was the worst time socially. I was overweight, going through a massive hormonal puberty, and my family life was hellish. Mean girls at school bullied me. Fast forward to adulthood, I have a good career, my own place and car. But no relationships. Working hard to develop them this year...

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on as you develop those relationships this year ❤

[@awanfarrell2880]

@@terri_cole Happy Valentines Day 💝 💖 💕 ❤️ ♥️ 💓 💝 💖 💕

[@willow6726]

I have always wanted close girlfriends. I feel that women empowering women has so much value. I want these connections so very much, but I am lacking in this area. I feel for me personally, the relationship, or the lack thereof that I have with my female peers is linked to how I felt by my mom growing up. Sometimes she liked me. Sometimes she didn't. She was all over the place emotionally and was cold, rejecting and very critical of me. I have discovered that I tend to believe most other women will act the same way toward me. And much of the time, they have. I would love to know how to have healthy friendships! I love your videos and Im reading your book Boundary Boss currently. Thank you so much for the content that you share! Very helpful!

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Tammy. ❤️ Have you downloaded the guide for this episode? There are some resources that may help in there. I hope you find Boundary Boss helpful, too!

[@willow6726]

Thank you. Could you remind me of how to download the guide? I didn't see a link for it.

[@mariarossi6719]

Love that Mel Robbins recently shone a spotlight on the difficulties of making friends as an adult. She’s the first person I’ve ever heard addressing the very real problems associated with this.

[@noelmay9]

That's great for you, Terri. It sounds like your experience growing up and maintaining healthy friendships with women is truly idea. I will work my way through the other videos on the topic you have linked. So far, nothing has helped me form and maintain healthy relationships with women in my life. I observe more of those who don't have these either, and expect other women to compete and sabotage instead of support and encourage. Wishing everyone success in turning this around in our lives!

[@kaceyleighton2899]

I grew up an outcast to most females. I had mostly male friends. Well, it took me joining a roller derby team to learn why I couldn't connect with most females. It was the same when I joined rugby, I connected with those ladies just fine. I just needed to find the flock of my feather. Now days since I habe this info on myself, I now understand why indecisive and overly women irritate me.

[@kateleroyer3725]

Thank you, Terri! I love what you do!! I recently made the decision to break up with a female friend. It was a relatively young friendship, less than two years, but we had being a widow in common. It turned out that wasn’t really enough of a bond. It was a real moment of clarity for me when I knew that the relationship was not healthy for me. I honestly haven’t had that many moments of true clarity in my 70 years! Reading your book has helped me immensely in creating and maintaining boundaries. There will always be work to do but I am on my way!!🙏😍

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and also cheering you on for realizing it wasn't healthy for you ❤️ So glad you found Boundary Boss helpful!

[@Jaylove777]

Can I just encourage folks. Moved around a lot in early adulthood, so have close friends who are long distance. Then I realized I needed a close local friend in my late 30s! It can be done!! For those worried that they are in their 30s and even 40s and don’t have their person nearby!! That’s when I really learned how to be intentional. Found my bff at almost 40!! The best thing ever! It’s work maintaining a close friendship, but done with the right person, it’s so worth the rewards!! A few years later, I know for sure I couldn’t imagine not having her around the corner. Despite having other friends who live far away.

[@terri_cole]

This is so sweet, glad you found a bestie, Helen! ❤️

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

So true….now have a few locals after many years of remote only….

[@Jaylove777]

@@candaceheidenrich6278 this! Thankfully we have planted roots now for 5 years and have no plans of moving. It was when I lost a parent, and all my close friends were out of state, and out of the country! Despite being married, I know it’s been so helpful for my hubby, for me to have someone local. The joy of just being able to randomly do same day lunches, or to grab a drink, or even just to talk face to face!! Priceless

[@dakine4238]

I have a friend that I feel is jealous of me and was downplaying some good things in my life. We've been friends for a long time, but I don't feel my needs are met int he friendship. She's a talker so I need to jump in to get to say something and I can't express myself honestly. She also gets defensive and tries to make things about her.

[@terri_cole]

I have a video coming out next week that addresses what I call "historical handcuffs"- the friendships we've had since childhood that we just can't seem to let go of, despite knowing we've grown apart. My two cents: if a friend cannot be happy for you when good things happen to you, or if they see good things happening to you as something bad happening to them, I don't think we need that type of friend in our lives! Easier said than done, I know. ❤️

[@BriaBarrows]

Great video. Thanks, Terri:)

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, thanks for being here!

[@BriaBarrows]

I love this for you because some of us haven’t experienced the good :(

[@angellove6023]

Yes, break-up with them because they couldn't follow me anymore when I started to set boundaries 🌈😇❤️👍

[@ca32]

The pain of losing it all is indescribable

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your pain ❤️

[@jannamartens9806]

I don’t believe in competing with anyone . I don’t see anyone as my competition. I’m not jealous of anyone . I see this as unhealthy. I think you should share your knowledge and help others . I don’t understand being hateful towards other women it seems very messed up .

[@terri_cole]

Totally agree!

[@carmenl163]

I recently found your channel Terri (and immediately subscribed, of course!), and as I struggle with my female friendships, I found this video. I have many female friendships, but most seem like hard work. And now I finally understand: they reflect the situation with my narcissistic mother. All my friends seem to lack one of the following two ingredients I find to be necessary for a healthy relationship: 1. A true friend should accept me for who I am 2. A true friend should welcome my company. Boy, this is such an eye-opener. So, although it's very scary and painful, I am removing myself from most of my friends. I need to learn how to be welcome and how to be accepted for who I am. Of course, I will download your guide and work it through. Is there any part of my life you haven't covered? Just joking, as I am very grateful I found you!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, I'm glad you found it helpful. I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way as you navigate leaving old friendships behind and finding new ones. ❤️

[@mrs.m840]

I live in Los Angeles and find it hard to find females friends that are nice and kind. I only have a few.

[@bsws47]

Terri - Your video on friends was great. I'm 75 and have 2 close friends that I went through Jr. High and High School with. We get together about twice a year but there was a long time after I got married that we "lost touch". I'm so glad we were able to get together again. Aside from these 2 friends, most of the women I made friends with when I was working have all moved away from the area and, though we occasionally connect with each other on Facebook, I feel very disconnected from them. 2 of them especially. The friends I've made in the last 20 years seem to have suddenly excluded me from their activities and I can find no reason for it. 4-5 of us have horses and board at the same stable. When we happen to be at the stable at the same time, I feel like I'm an outsider. They all still work (are younger than I am) and I am retired. I try to talk to them and things feel fine but they exclude me when they go riding or even when they are around the barn just hanging out. I don't understand it. I try to fit in and they are "pleasant" to me but not deeper like a true friend. Reminds me of the "clicks" through school that I never was a part of. Childish, I know. I don't know if I should try harder to fit in or just go my independent way--be nice but don't push. I always enjoy all of your videos and pamphlets.

[@elipotter369]

I've had that happen to me repeatedly. It was when someone got jealous of me because they realised men like me. There was really nothing I could do, so not being around them at all was the best solution. I have at times asked people what's wrong/changed, but they just fake it by saying "nothing". Also, if you are suddenly single , it's common for all my friends to drop me immediately, or if they get a boyfriend, I am ghosted. I am completely ethical and people who know me should see that, so it's all stuff just going on in their heads. Right now, I am working on being less "shiny and friendly" (but still trying to maintain my own truth), am trying to be more listener than assuming people want an engaging conversation - I'm watching and learning before I jump in with assuming everyone's friendly with good intentions. Also, am minimising saying anything about myself exposing vulnerabilities unless I have to. So I wish you well.

[@terri_cole]

Bonnie, you deserve to be a part of a group where there is mutual effort and desire. It might help to journal about your experience with cliques in school as there may still be an unresolved injury there that could use your attention. ❤️

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

I have a new mantra….don’t chase anyone or anything….if you feel that urge, it probably will take you from your real people. Finding your “species” is tough….the world is large and wide….but a few good friends go a long way to sanity….

[@BriaBarrows]

Definitely complicated. Envy, competition, gossip, the list goes on, can get in the way

[@elsakate]

Oh my gosh! Having a female coworker arch enemy is something I always have had at every job! And if one moves on from that job another one gets hired! I thought this was normal too! 🤯😅

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Lisa ❤️

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

Boy, I had the same experience …job after job….yep, maybe a childhood wound circling around. I am on the watch for overshadowing, dismissal, controlling, invalidation, and clique behaviors.

[@GD-cr5um]

I had a very irritating Friend who would bring her toxic husband everytime we met. Inspite of telling her she didn't care. Most of my girlfriends have changed and made their husband everything and forgotten the friendship

[@elipotter369]

Yes I've had friends who ghosted me the whole time they had a man. One even told me I was just jealous of her fabulous deep new love when I said careful it's going too fast! Then she expected a sympathetic ear over a year later when she called me - and instead of being apologetic or sensitive to or interested in me, she spent the ENTIRETY of our first catch up complaining about the guy! I decided hers wasn't of any value to me after that and dropped it. She had always been a negative Nelly, but that level of selfish self absorption was too much for me.

[@GD-cr5um]

@@elipotter369 omg please dump the friends they r more like frenemies. U mostly find women so insecure. I'm a women top but I definitely need better treatment. I am not that insecure to ignore an old Friend

[@elipotter369]

@@GD-cr5um I certainly have dumped such mean friends. At the time, it took me a long time to work out what was wrong with them all and I felt confused and hurt. Now I know better.:-)

[@GD-cr5um]

@@elipotter369 good on u. I don't think we want friends to be our 24x7 but when u meet a friend in ages u don't expect them to carry their men along

[@ayannabillie8310]

Hey what do you say to someone who never really had friends but want them and also is afraid of rejection?

[@terri_cole]

Hi Ayanna, you are not that fragile and you can make friends at any age or stage of life. I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on. ❤️

[@bridgetbrown8123]

My mom and and my sister have been jealous of me and dismissive of my trauma since day one. Because i am a HFC, they both think nothing has impacted me and that everything is easy for me . Bottom line- i feel and am totally unsupported by the two women in my life that i have known the longest. 😢

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear that and am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@bridgetbrown8123]

@@terri_cole with your gentle guidance, I am finding moments of peace and freedom 🦋🌈❤️🙏🏻

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@janicemacintosh5804]

Try being in health care at any level. Thankfully there are more men these days to help even out the misery of it all

[@MeganVincent-tl4tg]

With so many women under 50, they feel everything is a competition and everything is about one upping(many times without you really knowing what’s going on). I have always clicked better with older women because they are over all that bullshit. I’ve really given up having friends around my age, not worth it. I’d rather have a hobby.

[@terri_cole]

That's so sad to hear ❤️ Although intergenerational friendships are amazing!

[@GD-cr5um]

My bestfriend changed fully 360 degrees after she met a toxic man and married him. She keeps bringing him along for all the times we meet. He's rude and irritating with our friends.. Now I avoid her because I know she will bring him and I feel like a 3rd wheel bcoz they keep kissing and misbehaving awkwardly...she wasnt even in the moment when my mother died. She infact left half way in my mother's funeral as he was seeming restless.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️

[@dakine4238]

Where is the how in this video?

[@terri_cole]

Hey there- you can get the guide (the friendship assessment) here: www.terricole.com/female-friendships-guide/

[@barbhammondroy1345]

Hey Terri can I have that e_mail for master mind and flourish again? Thanks I am so keyed in to your topics.

[@willow6726]

Yes please. Same here. I'm interested!

[@terri_cole]

It's terricole.com/flourish 🙌

[@terri_cole]

terricole.com/flourish ❤️

[@DaughterofZyion]

As long as I say I'm a girl and not a woman then I'm safe , but as soon as I say no I'm not a girl but a woman ,out come the guns and bullets ,woop woop 🎉 insecure woman are drama city ,and I will let everyone know to back off or get lost cos I'm my own boss . Not you 😂