The Biggest Sign of Borderline Narcissist Regret: Understanding The Hoover

This video will cover the biggest sign the borderline narcissist regrets you not in their life, why they hoover and what you can do about it. Please share anything you can down below!
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Wednesday, January 21, 2025 1/21/25
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[@hibbertsh]

Never let them back. Don't destroy the work you have done healing not having them around. Stay strong.

[@greener3922]

But what if its different this time and I am stronger now 😢

[@hibbertsh]

@greener3922 Um... they will never change and it gets worse. They are stuck in a cycle of self gratification and will use you for further gain. It's up to you.

[@gregorydoyle4804]

I just got hoovered after 3 weeks no contact. I was trying to find myself and felt I was moving on however painful it was. Just talking to her for 30 mins I felt being dragged back and could feel her eroding my self worth. They don’t know they’re doing it. Painful stuff and you must move on.

[@gleamwindows2593]

This guy is on point, love him. Helped me soo much. Once you get 12 weeks of no contact everything changes x

[@MNJGaGa]

Thats exactly, 12 weeks, when they show up after first reveser discard.

[@LouiseO78]

'Do you want to lose more time to them?' 'Do you want to give yourself more pain?' Thank you...this really resonated with me.❤

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you Louise!

[@RelRodriguez-he1ll]

Hi David, healing family from California here!! If it wasn’t me finding u more than one year ago I would have been hoovered back in!!! I found u, I went no contact and healing as u remember!! Let’s stay strong ppl, u can do this!! I’m still healing first thanks to David and I’m still not finished!! Thank u David!! ❤️

[@brianbondy5667]

David is a god send. My last girlfriend was someone I believe to be BPD. I remember thinking early on there is something wrong with this woman. Over 3 years we went through the ups and downs. I honestly didn't see how horrible and toxic the relationship was until it was over and got into a sustained period of no contact. We had broken up in November 2023. I made the mistake of continuing to see her and spend time and have sex with this person. She was lining up the next guy, this is to be expected. In may 2024 we had sex for the last time and she told me " You are going to be mad soon" I said " I'll see ya soon". That was it the last time we spoke was that day. 4 days later she was in a new facebook relationship and the kicker is a month and a half after that she moved in down the street. That sent me into a shock. It was so mentally hard at first to see this woman drive by my house., this guy drive by my house in her car or them drive by together. I was ruminating all the time. It got so difficult and starting constantly watching break up and BDP videos. That is when I came across David's Channel. In October I had enough and scheduled a phone call with David. He helped me see so many things and ways I could help myself. It was a true miracle. I think of those first few months and the pain I was in was horrendous. It has only been about 3 months since my talk with David and things are going great! It was a very special day for me today. I live in Canada and it is very cold right now. I went out to start my car at 530 this morning for 10 minutes before I had to leave. I turn to get into the car and guess what car was turning the corner at 530 am, hers. I got in started the car and got back out. looked up and she was slowly driving down the street. She went maybe 40 or 50 yards in 20 seconds or so from the time I got in the car to the time I got out. I have her blocked on facebook and I doubt that she has the balls to show up on my doorstep. The best part about this is today I had ZERO emotional reaction. Before my talk with David it would set me off for days or a week even. I feel so bulletproof. I am at the point I NEVER wanna speak to this woman again and do not care when I see her drive by the house the way I used to.I bet she felt so powerful at first but I got the feeling the pendulum is really starting back. I sincerely hope this guy she moved in with was a hoover, for his sake and not a stranger he knew for 4 or 5 months. This way at least he will know what he has gotten into. Either way they have lived together since July and he now knows the mess he is in.His problem now and with a lot of work I am the happiest I have been in my adult life a 41 year old. Thank you for helping me David! I really needed it.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi Brian! Good to see you and thank you very much for what you said. You sound great!

[@brianbondy5667]

@@DeMarsCoaching Thank you Coach! You are very welcome. I feel great! Today I was driving and actually saw her driving her car. My stomach dropped for a second but, that was it. I can honestly say the worst of it is over. I listened to you during our talk and wrote down everything you said to do down. I did them all, all of it. Things improved pretty quickly for me and didn't see her around much when I do it is clear she is splitting. You can tell by the blank look on her face and her stiff posture, so robotic. Thank you for helping to improve my life. I will never be in anything so toxic ever again. You have given me tools for life. I found my own closure and don't need hers anymore. You are a beautiful human being.

[@greener3922]

​@@brianbondy5667 hey man I read your comment and I really feel your pain you've endured. It must've been so hard seeing her getting with the next supply but I am proud of you for doing the work. How come she is now living so close to you, is that intentional? I have the luxury of living a continent away from my ex wife. We were married for 5 months until I finally saw the horror I got myself into, more like I realised my worth I am bringing to the table and how much headaches and pain she's bringing.

[@pepsiholic4084]

Evening David from Snowy Florida 🌴 (never thought I would ever say that in my life) Great video 💯

[@AmericanDreamer]

oh wow, how many degrees do you got there today? Snowy here as well

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi! You obviously are in northern FL. A little snow might be nice?

[@elizabethlawrence-qj2dz]

Mine left a present on my front porch with “happy Birthday “ scribbled on the top of the box….like a child would do. He didn’t bother to wrap the gift. I sent him a thank you message which was absolutely the wrong thing to do. They can be so normal when they really try. I was sucked back in for a short time. It wasn’t long at all before his mask started to fall. This time it was scary.

[@ssfourvegeta]

They will punish you for having to put any effort into trying to get you back. File a do not contact order with the police

[@exwhy7007]

They’ll find a way to get back into your life even if you block them on everything but don’t take it personally you’re just one of many people they’re fishing for. I bit once and let my BPD/APD back into my life for a day. It was just like she never left. She still calls me with a blocked number. You don’t miss them they’re shitty it’s just your nervous system that needs a hit. Detox and keep them out of your life forever that’s the best feeling

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I'm sorry Elizabeth. There is help and support if you think you need it.

[@motowngirl5891]

Never ever respond to any of their nonsense The monster keeps sending me letters in the mail, I don’t read just toss in the trash

[@MarkB-m2m]

Shut up. You don't file a police report. You're a screaming red flag . If she didn't tell him not to come and not threatening her then you don't call the police. Id avoid any woman who brings up the police ever. ​@@ssfourvegeta

[@stuartwigmore3738]

Continually hurting you from the sidelines - smears to others or anonymous snipes on social media, sometimes years after the breakup and absolute no contact, is also a form of hoover. I believe many of these people back themselves into corners they dont know how to get out of, and lashing out at you is the only thing they know how to do, in the hope of provoking an emotional reaction from you. This still happens to me to this day - nearly FIVE YEARS after I was discarded. It's nasty and insidious.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

That is awful Stuart, I'm sorry. I think a couple hundred bucks to a lawyer and a police report might be worth your privacy and peace.

[@JR_M_615]

The BPD exes never accepted I just didn't want to talk to them about why I ended it. They acted like they didn't understand that my not talking to them simply meant I didn't want to talk to them. By the time I ended it, I was done talking. And they knew everything they did and didn't care. They just wanted to play the victim. And they always stalk me later. Crazy is as crazy does! Thanks for the video, bruh.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you JR! Make sure they have a life before you step into it!

[@simpinainteasy680]

Ive never experienced something so toxic

[@KenFlo1000]

Good advice. Every time I want to contact her I text my friends instead. Hoovering is annoying. Having packages sent here. Returning random jackets to my work office. It hurts every time I see these things but I'm staying strong

[@treelover1050]

PROTECT YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HER CRAZINESS.

[@brianbondy5667]

Stay strong my friend. It gets easier.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I'm so sorry. You can try the legal route if she doesn't stop and there si help and support for you if you want it.

[@SurnaturalM]

I'm sure BPD are one of the most responsible for the violent crimes involving people. I listen to true crime channels, and when they describe the criminals, it seems they all have these common traits. 7:07 "Their parents might contact you" this. This happened to me because I was leaving the country, her parents did call me in a panic because they knew she would go crazy.

[@MightyMemeKing]

I don't know about crimes since that's not the area of government I work in, but as a Child Protective Services case manager I can tell you that they're not exactly great with children to put it mildly.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

You are correct Martin. There is a lot of misinformation on this disorder and people think they are lovely people is one of them. Most mothers that took the live sof their children are diagnosed BPD. Hell, Jeffery Dahmer is BPD.

[@zombiemolly9711]

❤ Thank you, coach.

[@zombiemolly9711]

I have ADD. I don’t know if I am a NPD, or a BPD… or just ADD, but I might have AUD also.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@margaretwilder1055]

This answered a lot of questions. ❤

[@IrelandLochlin]

My BPD/NARC sister pulled out all the stops. Gifts, phone calls, emails then threats of suicide. Didn't fall for anything! It's been 6yrs now. No contact was the BEST DECISION I ever made❤

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I'm sorry you lost your Sister and good for you for giving yourself a peaceful future.

[@IrelandLochlin]

@DeMarsCoaching Sadly, thats exactly what I feel like. Ive lost her.😓 Many thanks.

[@Feef_von_Smoomsheym]

Thank you David. It's been 118 days and still i feel lost, fighting every day just to focus on the things i need to focus on in my life. And yet i know im making progress. It's subtle and slow but steady. You rae an immense source of validation for my feelings and thoughts in these dark times. I noticed i actually felt bad because she hasn't been hoovering for now - aint it weird how people can fck your brain up so you feel bad for this sh*t? But that's just my trauma speaking. I know it's something to celebrate: Not being hoovered does NOT mean you are not worth it. Im just not up for another round of abuse anymore. Stay strong everyone 🖤 Love from Germany

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you too and I'm so sorry. Please consider hiring some support.

[@mojo5628]

David. As always so spot on. Thank uou for speaking to me. Looking forward to more sessions together. You are incredible and compassionate. Especially with what you do. 🙏🏼 bless you brother

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you very much!

[@CadenWilltzke-w8u]

Hey David, Caden from Iowa here. I’ve got a question for you. Over the summer, I started dating a girl, and I’m pretty sure she has BPD. I met her because I moved up north for a job in a small town. I met her through a friend, and the relationship moved extremely fast. She started talking about moving in with me right away, dyed her hair the same color as mine, and started listening to the same music, and would buy me expensive gifts and spent probably around 500 dollars on me the first 3 weeks we were together. Her entire personality changed in a matter of weeks. Well, we broke up a little while ago, and when she ended things, she accused me of a bunch of things that just aren’t true. She accused me of sexual assault, even though she was the one who weaponized sex a few times. She also accused me of not letting her see her friends and family, which never happened. I was actually very encouraging of spending time with friends and family the whole time we were together Basically, she called me a controlling narcissist, which hurt a lot because those were things she was doing. I went from being “the greatest person she had ever met” to being a “piece of dirt” in a matter of five months. One day, I saw her phone and found out she had lied to me. Her phone was full of random guys who hadn’t been in the picture during the summer. When I asked about them, she made me feel like an asshole for not trusting her, even though she was the one who lied. She said some pretty nasty things to me when I confronted her but acted like I was overreacting. This is just one of many things that happened, and I’m scared. My therapist has helped me realize that I’m not a narcissist, which I thought I was when I first started therapy, but I’m still scared this situation could affect my job this summer. I work for the school district where she’s from, and I coach the baseball team and take care of the athletic facilities. I actually coach her brother, and that’s how we met. I’m worried that people in the community will think I’m a bad person because of the things I was accused of, even though I didn’t do them. If you have any advice on how I should move forward, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

[@MahmudHAsif]

Faced a discard event from BPD wife. We had 6 years of relation with one year of marriage life together. Alas, I overlooked all the red flags as I thought "Women maybe like this actually, she is childish, will be mature over ages". But no, those all were red flags for me. David, can you please explain the post discard events? Its almost 3 months after the discard. I was her everything, now I am the devil. I asked why? She said " She feels she doesn't love me, thats why she doesn’t wanna stay this me, wants divorce etc etc." After all, with your videos, others' lectures, scientific journals, I am almost healed. I enabled all my defence mechanisms that she broke one by one. Broke the codependency and trauma bond. So my question is, what are the possible events after discard event? Do they come back? How can I save my self as they are so violent because they will then project me as the person who abandoned. I am eagerly waiting for the divorce file. Keep me in your prays. [Maybe I have made my texts a bit complex, sorry for that]

[@hesimplywillnotdie]

Great information as always, BUT I would suggest making copies of photos and messages and archiving them in case they are needed at a later date.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

It can help you down the road of their obsession. Thank you!

[@MartinVoois-b6i]

Thank you! 🤠👍👌🌞🍀❤🦋💯

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@888A44]

Right on time! Needed to hear this. Thank you so much! You are a Godsend!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@888A44]

Had to watch the video again! Very Helpful! And… you are just so funny!!! The perfect panacea!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@ttc7341]

Another great video David!

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you very much!

[@LovedbyGodalways]

I need some David videos tonight 😂. Deborah in Virginia says Hi😂

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi Deborah!

[@MysTerry317]

I can't get past the poor treatment from the narcissist, so no, NO GOING BACK ~ EVER!!!

[@pondo2319]

It was hard in the beginning but there is a prise to pay for peace I've been no contact ever since and it should stay that way. Don't date any type of adict we be one yourself, don't make expetions because it's "love" Thank you for message

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you!

[@northernsegageorge6510]

The last hoover that she sent me at start of December was her claiming she has terminal cancer and is now bald from it and the chemo and how I would not recognise her as she is so underweight from cancer and chemo. Sadly I saw her walking down the street a few days ago and she has actually grown her hair longer but same style and has gained a huge amount of weight. She must have had a miraculous recovery from her terminal cancer hoover. Other hoovers last year included threats to self delete and various other crisis. I have since deleted my entire email account and changed phone numbers again. There is no low they won’t sink to with their pathological lying. I ended it with her in December 2023 then endured an entire year of stalking and hoovering. My therapist believes she would still be trying if I had not changed all my contact details. It’s scary.

[@virginiaharvey]

I feel this applies to other dynamics they offer to u .u can reject leave them behind move on be yourself😂

[@colmonhs]

HELP is what he needs, Treatment for the damage she made.

[@olegal]

What if the borderline/narcissist is your daughter who of course controls whether you see your grandchildren?😢

[@bruceboyer8187]

I have that as well. It beyond sucks. It's all you can do.

[@paulineklostermann5877]

My adult daughter is malignant narcessistic. I had to leave a could not take anymore the abuse. I miss my grandchilderen but I was destroied.

[@paulineklostermann5877]

They use the grandchilderen to hurt ,so very evil .

[@realHampson]

sounds like you played a role in her developmental issues?

[@olegal]

@realHampson Go to hell.

[@fab10fitnessless]

I’m not sure if this is some form of proxy hoovering, as my ex-girlfriend is messaging my mother every day. My mother still likes her (mostly because of her lovely first impression) and believes she will come back one day, even though my ex has already moved to another country. I would also welcome her back if she could be the best version of herself most of the time. However, that version only appeared for a few days. Of course, my mother doesn’t know the full potential of this lady, who has high-functioning BPD with traits of vulnerable narcissism (and sometimes grandiosity). What makes this situation weird is that she has blocked me in insta & whatsapp and asked me in polite way not to contact her ever again, yet she still seeks my help through her ex-roommate and keeps texting my mom. Could this be some form of proxy hoovering?

[@uldiskalnins8121]

She seeks not you, but your skills and resources and attention. Don't expect to get back what you need, few good days are not worth bad months / years after. Had same crazy lying NPD/BPD mix.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Yes and this is sick. Your Mother has something to do with you allowing this toxic person in yoir life int he first place. Tell your Mother how it feels and ask her to stop.

[@fab10fitnessless]

@@uldiskalnins8121 Yep… I just remembered a question she asked me a few times when we broke up (about once a month for a few hours or a few days): ‘Do you feel that I have been using you?’ Clearly, she has been thinking about it, which is quite a good indicator of a YES. She probably did it in a more calculated way sometimes, but I think most of the time she wasn’t even aware of her exploitative side. Thanks for reminding of these resources, skills, attention🙏

[@fab10fitnessless]

@@DeMarsCoaching Yes, they connected pretty damn well from the beginning… Well noted🙏

[@scottoz7891]

Ahhh. The infamous pocket dials 😂 stay Educated people...❤ be Careful when they Heat Check you. More BPD/NPD lingo because we all know we have to learn a whole new vocabulary...Good Luck...🤗💪

[@victoriamuniz9851]

My ex narcissist ended up in the hospital barely making it It's taking everything in me not to run to the hospital. I don't understand Why would i want to go back I just need somebody to say that's a bad idea

[@rorywright5692]

Hi, Victoria! If It was me, I wouldn’t go to the hospital. Sometimes, even though things were bad, it was what we were used to. Stay the strong person I know you are! It’s time to take care of you! Take care, my friend!❤️

[@victoriamuniz9851]

Thank you Rory I'm taking off my coat And going back in the house. Thank you, heavenly.Father for giving me such a beautiful friend

[@rorywright5692]

@@victoriamuniz9851 Awe! Your so sweet! It’s nice to have you as a friend! Stay safe, Victoria! You’ve come so far! Hugs!!❤️

[@elizabethlawrence-qj2dz]

Terrible idea to go back. Not your problem anymore. Block and pay zero attention

[@treelover1050]

THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

[@danielwright6277]

Dan from Nebraska. Her "hoover" got weaker over the years I observed. Followed by discard more quickly. Always that cyclic depression, and hurtful comments.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi Dan!

[@danielwright6277]

@@DeMarsCoaching hello David 🙂

[@bruceboyer8187]

The BPD ex before the recent BPD ex tried hoovering... however... I had been grabbed by an uograde, which you think could not happen as she was yes that hot... yet ut did. 3 yrs later that ended and she was hoovering so I went with it.. for teo months and I did a discard.. she got her downgrade supply to marry her. Tried hoovering.. no.. recent ex BPD got fired. Tried hoovering.. Im holding firm so far.. I need a replacement upgrade to be safe.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

We don't replace or upgrade people with people.

[@silverlining5796]

👍🏼

[@MysTerry317]

There is no "safe hoover"! Just ignore.

[@timweedon2785]

Gettung rid of photos always comes back to hurt you down the line. Its not a good idea at all. Put them away dont get rid of them- you will regret it one day!

[@JR_M_615]

Why is that?

[@DeMarsCoaching]

You want to be reminded of a person who did evil things to you?

[@timweedon2785]

@@DeMarsCoaching it's still a part of your life where you have memories too. Yeah eventually it won't hurt you to look back. It might though if you destroy pics of your past! One of the worst things about a breakup with a narc bpd etc is that feeling the only person you can share memories with is gone. And it's good to look back and remember your life. Theres still good moments attached to it all. It's not all black and white Treating them like they never existed is kinda what they do to you in the first place that makes them so toxic. Im not like them- I don't split

[@greener3922]

​@@timweedon2785 I burned physical copies of photos to see them go up in flames and let go. I have everything on a hard drive stored and off my phone. I still have em, right now I don't want to see it to get reminded and get weak.

[@cindyc]

🤗❤️🌞

[@AmericanDreamer]

One can be either a narcissist or a borderline...These 2 disorders are NOT the same and cannot the chumped together as if they are.

[@DaniTorresOfficial]

Oh yeah they do overlap

[@DeMarsCoaching]

This is comorbidity. You're correct, these are two different disorders with distinct diagnosis criteria. People with BPD have a 40% chance to also have NPD.

[@AmericanDreamer]

@ double trouble, huh....oh boy...not sure have you answered this question before, David, but what tips could you give, on how to sooner and permanently get these people out of our head, after they have basically wiped their dirty boots in our hearts and in cases of many people- destroyed lives? What has happened, what they said and did to us- it stays with us and hunts, those flashbacks.those nasty episodes, where they abused us and got away with it ..and yeah, try not to think about elephant kind of thing, if you know what I mean - you end up thinking about elephant..How did you manage that inner fight, so to speak, to stop constant memories coming back and mentally going back to situations and having sort of inner dialogue with them , things you would have said/done...? it is impossible to forget but how to make peace with it and actually get over it?

[@AmericanDreamer]

@ I see....hmm had no idea about overlap. Thought they are different, since BPD is more like explosive and emotional, and NPD is slick and scheming and masks well, while BPD is kind of obvious, for the most part.

[@PurpleFlower1977]

Perfect timing. 🥹💔

[@Pilled_red]

I think I’m a borderline.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

I'm sorry, try to not diagnose yourself and leave it to a professional.

[@prodesu8607]

The good thing about it is it's one of the diagnoses that has the best outcome for healing. You need the right treatment however, DBT. And you dont get the diagnosis really before 20 because at that age most of us are emotionally unstable anyway.

[@Stephanie-o8z]

Thank you, David. This really helps❤️‍🩹

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Hi Stephanie!