The Humanitarian Covert Narcissist - Hidden Control and Manipulation

To find out more about Debbie's books, online courses, meditations, and calming music, click on the following link: www.debbiemirza.com/
Here is a link to a free quiz, created by Dr. Les Carter, to find out if you are in a narcissistic relationship: survivingnarcissism.tv/free-n...

[@holistic_marketing_berlin]

My hidden narcissist made me believe I’m bipolar, all my friends and family started to believe I’m so fragile so they started to behave different in my surrounding. Thanks for videos like this I found my own truth ❤

[@7h268]

Same, they turn others againts their victim somehow.

[@bratzsnoopy]

I find that when someone always goes out of their way to show what a “good” person they are, it’s usually the opposite.

[@candacecasey5634]

True. Genuine kindness speaks for itself.

[@AmaryllisTV]

They do nice things and say things like "I do everything for you" or "after everything I've done for you." It's a dead give away. They need constant acknowledgement for the "nice" things they do.

[@RegisChapman]

OMG YES this right here has kept me trapped for maybe the last 8 years.

[@kathielongbricco7366]

Yes!!! What is up with that?

[@ad90drew]

I’m just coming to realize I have a covert narc for a mom and a overt narc for a dad. I’m seeing a therapist this week to talk about my experience because I never get feelings validated from parents and only turned back on my self

[@dejaunajackson7666]

I’ve said it to someone because they were downplaying what I’ve done. I didn’t do anything to get accolades but they were trying to compare me to someone and I said I didn’t have to be there, I’ve done a lot to help. I’m really questioning if I’m a narcissist. I don’t want to be.

[@LedgerAndLace]

I think what you said about feeling drained with either overt or covert is such a HUGE warning sign and one that is easy to overlook and blame yourself for. Nope. You should not feel like you need a nap after a 5-minute interaction with that person!

[@candacecasey5634]

I knew someone who made me feel this way. I couldn't stay around her anymore.

[@Jp18888]

I don’t understand why they would cause us to feel this way??

[@LedgerAndLace]

@@Jp18888 Because they're energy vampires and they suck the life force out of you. They might also leave you feeling confused, like "What just happened?" The upside for them is that you are more easily controllable if you are tired or confused. Paying attention to how someone makes you feel is your brain's way of keeping you safe.

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

You have just described my husband, everyone that meets him or knows him thinks he is soooo nice. They don’t know the truth, but your videos, along with my therapist, has validated what I’ve known all along. Something was just not right, and it took me over 40 years to discover the truth because he was just that good in his role as a covert narcissist.

[@SjofnBM1989]

Get a divorce.

[@rosarioalonso8464]

OMG I can't believe that you have just described my mother. She uses God to put me down and then hurts me all the time. Thank you for putting this out.

[@anainnature]

So glad you posted this! I recently met someone who is always "helping helping helping" and I felt bad for feeling annoyed, resentful, and yes-- drained! I kept trying to rationalize, "They're just trying to be nice/helpful/etc." I forgot we have to pay attention to how we feel, first and foremost-- that our inner being is wise and trying to help us out. There is nothing wrong with us, how we feel is enough

[@debbiemirza1744]

Well said! xx

[@Jp18888]

Why do we feel drained from the experience? I felt it too but why

[@See_Life]

That's true. I had friendship connection with high level environmentalist/activist (and author of books), and always had that feeling that they are really great because they've gone through a lot in their life, and they're so much into helping animals and healling..., and I had some subtle red flags before but didn't take them so seriously until I was sick in a lot of pain, and we were exchanging e-mails I saw clearly how they didn't even care about how I am, i was blaming myself for things I shared with that person, and now I see it was always about them. Thank you Debbie 💜🙏

[@hauntedwhispers8187]

This is pretty close to my last situation with a narcissist! The mask slipped at times but mostly it was just a gut feeling that I ignored but red flags but I blamed myself for being too judgemental. Which they accused me of because I said no to them because I didn't like how they used his 'friends' Instagram accounts sometimes because they don't like it so don't make their own account. I said that's odd and my god the backlash I got from that! I said no and that pissed them off. They came across as helpful and look at what I do..always boasting. Never giving personal information. Dodging questions or being vague.

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

That's the tell, they despise you being happy/strong/well no matter what words they say or gifts they 'give' they want you in that little box they put you in the moment they met you 🎯 love IS pure, amen 🙏

[@ab-kh4hm]

Yes, tired all the time. I wish I could understand exactly how that happens.

[@zaeinabafsari5315]

Thanks for the video Debbie. I would like to add a point here. I know that the time now requires us to support the health care staff. But being a medical staff by myself, I want to talk about the humanitarian covert narcissists in this field. These narcissists choose some professions that have the nature of humanity in it. I am surrounded by many of those people who make our lives (the other staff members) as hell. For them, they are SAVING THE WORLD!! But for me, its all about their image and the narcissistic supply that they get in these jobs. They thrives in environments where patients ask them to help, especially in these circumstances. They love to play the role of decision making, giving commands then talk about it to show to the others how important they are. very sick !!

[@debbiemirza1744]

So true, and yes, so incredibly awful. xx

[@ozzieenglelewis]

Agreed. Smart and determined to help patient, but the behavior is motivated to look special. The other piece I saw was judgement, impatience, mad/disrespect if any questions that are perceived as imperfect, patients and staff (except not people that might help with his goals f achieving recognition and associated status

[@nisreen]

I found that Robert Greene’s books are very useful and helpful for learning about human nature and manipulative behaviors.

[@Loveleann]

Yes

[@Loveleann]

You got it spot on

[@Loveleann]

I personally think we are too quick to label somebody Their are very good manipulators which is coupled with being really good at it as well as good at hiding their insecurities but these labels are too much !

[@jokristian3651]

This is how they beat their karma by doing "Good deeds" for others.

[@xenatron9056]

it doesn't work like that. Their help is 'inauthentic' because they are doing it to make themselves feel better. it will be a double bitch slap from karma for thinking they can get off Scott free.

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

God weighs the hearts and searches intentions. God's mercy would justify a thief stealing to feed their starving children over a chuchianity 'Saint' who gives millions to an orphanage then tells everyone how they did it because they are such a caring philanthropist. Jesus exposed these hypocrites and said 'they already have their reward' = being worshipped by others. Double edged sword and everyone will be rewarded according to their fruit. May God have mercy on us all I say 😔🙏

[@ozzieenglelewis]

True AND to create good person/special person persona that keeps people respecting them and insinuating that anyone in dispute with him must have weaknesses, couldn’t figure out a successful way to negotiate and discuss issues, can’t handle rejection , conflict, unreasonable aggression and rage (when it has nothing to with the victim). Get pulled into the dynamic of identifying with th aggressive, common with parental abusers

[@nn9411]

You just explained my ex 100%! This makes so much sense. I was starting to feel crazy with all the gaslighting. Thanks for the knowledge! 🙏🏽

[@ozzieenglelewis]

I have been thinking that these are the main important things for me to do i.e., listen to my intuition, to the comfort of any kind in mind or body went with this person, trust my intuition and “cut “feelings about people, even or especially when behavior could be passive aggressive, covert or hidden. I worry that by the children have treated nicely and interactions including patients and restraining anger to show good guy persona in order to increase doubt about what my husband did to me and to others when they couldn’t see it and two be confused or make allowances for his unkind behavior that they did say towards me. It then adds up to me looking like I must have problems that contributed to the marriage. And I worry that it makes one of my children feel special for the attention and also that she is able to work out things with my husband that are difficult when I wasn’t able to

[@lisar.7291]

This describes my ex to a tee! Thank you for addressing this type of narcissist.

[@lisagraybill7331]

So true! He played a gig for animal rescue and kept the $ for himself! He'd stop a song at a pool party to rescue a frog! Cuz there were lots of people watching. He uses his dog for an attention getter but in reality doesnt pay that much attention to him. Coverts are so deceiving!

[@Yabyummyyoga]

This is so true... I often wonder about some of these helpers that I don’t feel comfortable with. Trusting my gut is sometimes the hardest part. Thank you, Debbie!

[@karent3004]

I have 2 of these one male, one female in my life and getting them out is way harder than you think. I just thank God they are miles away. I was so close to both at times in my younger days and yes, absolutely, girl.....bingo:. Every encounter exhausted me, made me feel like I had been put down and I'd have to go back and review the conversations,.. like, whaaat??? Just happened here???? 🙄. Now I'm aware and avoid them continually. I always feel so much better without their contact or input into my life.. once we know who they really are, it's impossible to "unknow". 🤗❤️

[@natashaem915]

100% this is exactly what I experienced. Full of performative ‘good deeds’ but it was all for show

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

Ohhh they're the absolute worst! They make me sick!

[@nlb1138]

I think throughout his life, my dad has had shades of both overt and covert. He works for FEMA and it's like cognitive dissonance for me given how controlling and selfish he was when I was growing up. One time he said to me, "I know you like helping people, like me." and I was just so confused by that statement because he didn't help my mom, me, or my sister when my mom had to work two jobs to support us. When it was always like pulling teeth to get him to do anything for his kids, and if he ever agreed, it was always conditional (and still is). My theory is that he likes to be in the action and play the hero (he also used to be in the air force and is likely an alcoholic)

[@candacecasey5634]

Unfortunately most narcissists care much more what strangers think of them than they do what their own family members think and feel.

[@denisequelland6160]

I just got out of a 10 year relationship with this type of person. I was crushed when I learned he wasn’t the “good person” I thought he was. No one believes me when I try to explain the lies, the gaslighting, the manipulation that went on behind closed doors. People don’t understand why I distanced myself the last couple of years, heck I didn’t understand why I was doing it. Why my tummy hurt every time he asked me to come to his house. For years I knew something wasn’t right, I just didn’t know what. It was my daughter that pointed out his gushing over me - she said why does he only do that when other people are around? Your books and videos are helping me to see. To say I was blindsight by this Humanitarian Narcissist is an understatement. Mind boggling!

[@lynnwiltshire6220]

Debbie. Thank you so so much for this video. I know someone who I strongly suspect is a humanitarian covert narcissist. I was confused because on Facebook and other media they are always going on about anti racist, anti bullying, animal rights etc BUT in real life so manipulating. I see it because you have helped me see it but everyone else thinks they are so wonderful. I couldn’t understand how someone could be a humanitarian and also a covert narcissist. Thank you for confirming that this can happen. ❤️

[@fastnpray9729]

I learned about narcissism about 6 years ago, that's when I saw my narcissist sister. Now I understand why she was so rotten to me my entire life. I've been no contact since. And I have peace

[@bandieboo8102]

Stay safe people. They are out there at this time. Trying to play us. Thanks Debbie...great advice!!

[@LittleLadyDalia]

I always felt like “nothing” next to my ex Narc. Even though I knew my true self worth. The uplifting was not there. This explains why. Thank you!

[@sh236]

The cn I know is a docent at a museum, delivers Meals on Wheels and builds houses for Habitat for Humanity. And it took me years and Debbie's books for me to understand why I felt awful around them. They were sucking me dry at every interaction, profoundly affecting my mental, emotional and physical health.

[@jeannemoore6610]

Exactly. I feel so crushed around rhia person and so relieved when I'n not around this person.

[@iwanttowitness7090]

I got your book & read it: "The covert passive aggressive narcissist" and I am so thankful for all the hard work that you put into this book and I am so comforted by it. Regarding the Humanitarian, my husband David tithes faithfully & his motive is to get blessed back, like a transaction. And he gives to World Vision & adopts those needy children because his own 2 daughters from a previous marriage will have nothing to do with him. I am his third wife, but I met him in Bible School. He wore a great mask & love bombed me, etc. But now, I have left my husband David after 9 years, who is a covert narcissist. He was in the Army for 21 years. I read a statistic that 20% of narcissists are in the Army. I left because when he discarded me he kept saying "I want to choke you. I want to choke you. I want to kill you and I'm serious." Since I work from home, it took me a while to figure out how I could move my PC computer with 2 monitors out of there and find a place to work and live, but I did and I am safe now. Your book really helped me with everything that I'm going through ...it all makes sense and your book is so perfectly written. Thank you!! In 2016 I published a book as well called: "I Want to Witness But What Do I Say?" Your book has helped me tremendously and I pray and hope that you are a born again Christian because I want you to go to heaven! David never encouraged me to promote my book or to follow my God-given dreams. It was always all about him, but now I am going to promote it. It is a new beginning! www.Iwanttowitness.com

[@sparkygump]

Ms. Mirza, I just found your channel after seeing an interview you had on the "Surviving narcissism" channel. I don't know if you're going to see this but I hope you do. I want to thank you so very much for writing your book "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist". I stumbled on your book five years ago after a very sad and painful breakup of a 20+ year marriage. You helped me understand WHY she discarded me which helped me begin building a new life. I simply can't express my gratitude enough. Thank you so very much and I wish you nothing but the best.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me! I wish you nothing but the best too! May your new life bring you so much joy. Thanks again. xx

[@xenatron9056]

I used to help people because I wanted to ease their burden. Now I am not so free with my offers, I understand that lives difficulties are their to TEACH US something, not learn how to get someone to help you out of it. Developmental tasks need to be completed by the person themselves. No one taught you how to walk.

[@Gemisnotmyname]

I was reading your book- which inspires me to actually make a video about narcissm. But you mentioned something that I also experienced.. after the narc abuse.. I got more in touch with my own body and intituion and I trust it to judge how I feel around other people. Its like this amazing gift was cultivated from this horrible experience. And Im grateful for it, also really enjoyed reading your work

[@lillydragu3277]

Hi Debbie, every time I listen to you I feel so validated ... it's like you're telling my life story with each video-post, like you've been there with me ... the whole time, when I didn't have a voice! @ 1:25 you are describing both my x narc (the covert) and my father (the overt) with such accuracy! Thank you for posting, very edifying !

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome! So happy to know it was edifying and validating!

[@judithdg4266]

Debbie, thumbs up, thank you fro doing this. If you have been with one, you know it. Overt abuse is of course horrible. but at least it is THERE... being with a covert communal narcissist was the most horrific experience I have even been through. Luckily for me, more people around him saw behind the mask.

[@chelceasurgenor598]

I saw you on Dr. Cs channel. Im married to a covert narcissist now and have been for 11 years now. He's the covert Christian narcissist. Please pray for me and my children.

[@chelceasurgenor598]

Your video has helped me so much sister thank you!

[@aaratrikadutta5501]

Thank you

[@watch76]

Appreciate the amount of respect given to body intelligence… I am learning how to build a healthy relationship between the “holy trinity” that is, my mind, body and spirit…. My mind has been running things alone long enough!

[@danielgarage5276]

Thank You Debbie! Thank you so much. Your words help. I thought it was just me being "jealous" of the other person.

[@Serene_Calm]

Hi Debbie, thank you so much for your videos, they have helped me tremendously! Although I love them, there was always one thing that disturbed me: Nowaday's interpretation is that we are helpless victims of narcisstic abuse, but this victim thinking is harming us, too. So we need to realize no one is thinking our thoughts, only our thoughts can hurt us, so other people are not the influence we pretend they are. We only need to realize we had all the power over our thoughts all along. And if we rather trusted other people's interpretation of us, that was a free choice too. I just wish victimhood wasn't so celebrated, because its disempowering, and that we rather realize our power and change our affirmations. Lots of love from europe...

[@dianapwp4289]

Thank you Debbie. This was very helpful.

[@lisaedmonds9573]

Came across your book at the library. Thank you.

[@kdiaz8892]

I just finished your book. And I've just subscribed to your channel here. You just nailed my husband, the 'humanitarian' robot. I cannot thank you enough for giving me hope again. I have hoped to die for years. Married for 23 and about to be single soon. Thank you.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I am so happy to hear you have hope again. And I'm so proud of you for being so brave. I know what that takes. You deserve to live a life you love and be with people you love you deeply. Thank you for sharing what you did with me. With love, Debbie

[@steevflowers7043]

Good video! Thank you!

[@nuria3736]

Fabulous video. Super helpful. You look gorgeous!

[@sakilinuma_lepnmasque]

Thank you so much for your book it helped me so much 📖😊

[@nataliecook9483]

You’re amazing. Thank you.

[@MissReneelh]

This book is so beautiful, thankyou for being such a huge part of my healing journey 💛

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you April! xx

[@treasuretrove4755]

I just dumped a guy I met on tinder like this James Pickney from GlenMills Pa. He comes into my life like he loves cats but behind that cold face was pure evil. Good thing I didn't show too much emotions towards him. That's why I left without 2nd thought

[@azeei5448]

You made me feel better ❤️

[@PrithaBhowmick-cb1cz]

He was covert narcissist and I am a dark empath ✌️. He himself had to leave me bcs he couldn't suck my energy after I caught his game.

[@stylist62]

They are sneaky slimy you don’t even know what your with, drain you of everything

[@SouLightness]

I grew up with my grand aunt...so subtle so goodie goodie, catholic...single, depressive...anti sexual. My partner is exactly the same. Modern version...vegan...yogic...and privately im so exahusted i cannot even write. 😢

[@lexia4016]

My supervisor at university is this type. She acts so helpful but I can sense something is off about her. Now I know why

[@fayceedat670]

Married to a covert narcissists for 40years

[@eyesopentotruth]

This f** up my life with one.

[@SM-ly6in]

Okay now I am not sure if I am an empath or a humanitarian covert narcissist!😳😁

[@lindafromtupelo]

Thank you Debbie, for addressing this personality to a T! Question: Is this the same as an altruistic covert narcissist? Thank you! (This is the first video I've watched. I just ordered your book off of Amazon, which is where I found your KZbin link.)

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome, Linda! Yes, this is the same as an altruistic covert narcissist. I'm so glad you found my channel and ordered my book! I hope it gives you the clarity and love you so deserve! :-)

[@NataAngel]

Hi, Debbie! Please help me, I live in Denver, do you know a divorce lawyer who is understanding the "divorcing narcissist" situation?Thank you Debbie❤️

[@fayceedat670]

Yes we trust everyone. Narcissists don't trust anyone

[@maritimemedium]

💖

[@lynnwiltshire6220]

Debbie do all covert narcissist show their true Colors to other people in the end? When you know one but everyone else is wowed by them. They know you know and they psychologically bully you but they are so lovely to everyone else. Will people see in the end?

[@debbiemirza1744]

HI Lynn. Most people will not see their true colors. That's one thing that sets them apart from overts. Especially the more covert their traits are.

[@double_down]

@@debbiemirza1744 is it the unmasking process. Once you see their true self, they flee?

[@jaywatts7554]

Yes - they flee to another town or country and find new toys to play with. Exposure is anathema to them.

[@user-em4tb4tb9k]

Can they not be both? Mine who passed away recently seemed to have both overt and covert attributes.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Yes, they can definitely be both.

[@lisagraybill7331]

Yes they can be both depending on the people they are around at the time! Mine would be covert with certain people but others he felt superior to, he would more overt

[@user-em4tb4tb9k]

This was and has remained confusing for me. He was older than me and claimed to be a guru but often wanted or acted like he valued my views and often praised my intelligence... It was off and on but would make little joking comments that i was a blonde at my roots... I took it in stride cause i am very easy going and open... So i suppose i thought he was teasing me and not realizing what was probably occurring. The deal is Nobody else saw him the way i did. And i could not prove or say anything... That was my bad deal which affected me in all ways and i was sick for months. He died too and that adds to the confusion cause he had confided in me his health worries. I do not know now if he knew that he had sth and that was another reason why he discarded me so abruptly and over trivial stuff.... But he wished me happy Birthday months later and sent me hearts etc through messenger with no words.. It is such a baffling and sad Story that almost a Year after his death i cannot process all.

[@LadyLuck8_4]

Yes but one is more dominant over the other.

[@jeffcauthen6434]

Read your book. Cant go on. Extra surplus oxys taken. Thanks but goodbye. So tired.

[@kr3642]

It's really facinating and nauseating to come across narc expalination channels from thier point of view. It's like I'm supposed to feel sorry for them. Like kanika whatever her name is.

[@phanda100]

They are demon possessed

[@calebhester6773]

Watching Dr. Les Carter's channel makes me feel this way. I feel like he's a covert narcissist possibly.

[@candacecasey5634]

Yeah I don't see it.

[@LadyLuck8_4]

Yes, I thought the same

[@ginarios9442]

SHLM & HaB (peace & love). The Name of the Creator is Hayah asher Hayah, as what He told Moshah (Exodus 3:14), preserved in the Hebrew Scriptures. There is a curse to the G-o-d name (Isaiah 65:11-12), preserved in the Hebrew Scriptures. All followers of the Messiah are to do the 7 appointed times (Leviticus 23), but no more animal sacrifices, following the Crucifixion of the Messiah. We are now of the order of MLK TSDQ (King, righteous), to Whom ABRaHM tithed. Ask the Messiah to be your personal Savior. He said to him, I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me (John 14:6). All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of Hayah (Romans 3:23). The wages for sin is death but the gift of ALaHYM is Everlasting Life through Messiah Yahushgh our Master (Romans 6:23). That if you confess with your mouth the Master Yahushgh and believe in your heart that ALaHYM raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved (Romans 10:9). He Himself is an Atoning Offering for our sins, and not for ours only but also for all the world (1 John 2:2). The Messiah died on the cross, & Resurrected three days later (presenting Himself as First Fruits to the Father). Please ask Him to be your Savior. He is the ONLY way to Everlasting Life.

[@kennaevans1187]

Why do you not post anymore? @debbiemarza