The Narcissist Who Insists You Are A Narcissist

[@PeteTash32]

They call you controlling for not allowing them to control you.

[@Earthether]

Truth

[@libbyrust]

It was actually my narcissistic mother claiming I was abusing *her* that lead me on the road to discovery and healing. I am so glad for online resources like you, Dr. C!

[@interestedparty3159]

yes, my mother is like that - I just don't talk to her anymore - sad state of affairs indeed

[@MissKim671]

Same here

[@texanbeautyboutiquetabitha1739]

I’m so sorry 😢 you went through that especially from a Mother

[@TruthBeTold0914]

Thank you. This is my mother too.

[@carolnahigian9518]

my ' mom' loved to let me know, " you are selfish& sinfull and what a waste of time & Space!" cold, tough Customer= Mom

[@Brendawallingbear]

"Be a person of Peace." That's the best thing I ever heard.

[@lucyclink9163]

Yes. It's great isn't it. I thought that.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

I love when a narc calls you a narc 😂😂 projection at its finest 😩

[@lynnanderson1923]

I don't even think mine knew what a narc was when he called me that!

[@nv_chino]

Yep. Like weren’t you the one harassing all day everyday over something so damn trivial

[@echofoxtrot2.051]

If you point out their hypocrises, they lose their minds and go off.

[@ProfarTheGod]

Worst part is when you tell them they are projecting and you know they don’t even have the mental capacity and/or level of IQ sufficient enough to even know what “projecting” means 🤣… they just regurgitate it back to you, deflecting it

[@melissabryant2251]

Yep. The abuser always plays victim.

[@fred.k9875]

Love with narcissist is one prolonged goodbye, expect to be devalued and discarded, narcissists is having another go on a successful individuation.

[@kt45026]

💔

[@Ballpython77]

fact!

[@mscraig5147]

Well put. Thank you. If you've been thru it (God forbid) you understand. If you haven't, words don't describe properly the anguish, confusion and devastation that's caused. They get off on our pain.

[@schizorap]

It shows you, how over the edge these people are.

[@well_weathered]

Thet are too weak to tell the truth.

[@georgew.5639]

The victim of the narcissist must be very wise when it comes to defending themselves against the narcissist. The problem comes when they tell anyone that they are a victim of a narcissist. By doing so the victim risks making themselves sound like a narcissist. Victimization, playing the blame game, over insistence, argumentative, etc. it’s like being stuck in quicksand. The more you fight, the further you sink into the quicksand. Or the Chinese finger trap. The more you pull, the stronger the resistance. Once you make this mistake, the harder it is to get anyone to listen and believe you. And so the narcissist again wins. And the situation can then become potentially dangerous.

[@dgloss1951]

I like Dr. C's "gray rock" technique.

[@mscraig5147]

So very well said. EXACTLY!!!!! It really is like being in quick sand. Torture.

[@caroleminke6116]

I gray rocked out of it & it was still a dangerous scary situation until the malignant narcissist just up & disappeared… he was very near hurting me in a bad way after having given up on pushing me around when I got a restraining order so he knew cops wouldn’t side with him anymore

[@well_weathered]

Gray Rock, stand your ground, correct their memory, stay calm! It takes a hella lot out of you. Sadly, their hugs and reconciliations are knowingly short BUT they have no air for their flame anymore!

[@RootBound505]

Very accurate depiction.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

The worst thing for a person like us on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse or negative behaviour is to call the abuser a narcissist. They will definitely turn round and say, "YOU are a narcissist " 😳

[@roxymovie3938]

Amanda, I tried to answer you on the other chat several times but yt deleted it every time 😢 Now I try to answer you here in short: Rieker are indeed German. And I love Sketchers!!! Wishing you a very relaxed evening ❤🫂

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@roxymovie3938 Thanks Roxy. Unfortunately this happens alot! Take good care 🙏 🕯 💕

[@vtshadow314]

I am sure my Narc would LOVE to do this. But We have ZERO CONTACT!!! All of her attacks on me come in the form of her attacking my BabyBee. She will do anything she CAN to tear down and destroy my little girl just to hurt me. And I am powerless to do anything. Its ok though. Bee is about to be 18 in 46 days. And Boy do I count the days.

[@michellehill718]

Lol

[@malwads1836]

​@@vtshadow314I hope your beloved baby-bee is 👀 forward to getting away from that nightmare as much as you👍🏻.It's like escaping from a cage when you get away from a parent like that...At least that's what it felt like for me🤗.Go 🐝s, we all deserve the honey sweet freedom of peacefully buzzing around in the sunshine without abuse🌞🌻.

[@patriciafry8634]

Little self-awareness. Projection, plus they love putdowns, esp. through name-calling. Don’t take the bait!

[@roxymovie3938]

In the Narcissist's playbook it is clearly written, "It's not me but you!!!" - This playbook is a diversionary tactic for the focus needs to be on you - and you are the player who does not know the rules. It's like a cat and mouse game. Narcissists think they are the cat (as the confident hunter who has everything under control) and you are the mouse (as the fearful one who will not be able to escape) who can be played with after beeing hurt many times but not yet dead. But suddenly this cat pretends to be the mouse, who has been harmed over and over again and you must be the cat with the sharp claws and teeth...

[@annjohnson8437]

So true!

[@mollycote1021]

Dr Ramani wrote a book called it’s Not Me. I’m going to buy it. I just got out of a toxic narcissist marriage. I know I need lots of ❤️‍🩹

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

Whoa... great analogy. I guess we can only hope to return to our Inner GUS because ur right, those stupid cat and mouse games are exhausting and pointless but unfortunately unavoidable sometimes and goes against our nature to be forced to play!

[@michellehill718]

Lol

[@roxymovie3938]

@@annjohnson8437 Thanks, Ann.

[@michellehill718]

Narcissists are desperate for us (Team Healthy) to argue with them. ✅

[@WisconsinWanderer]

i’m always amazed by the narcissist inability to self reflect, even when my ex was in handcuffs was shouting that this was all my fault. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. Weird! thanks everyone

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

I guess it is the receiver who shall reflect then.

[@MagicalCreations-fw7pj]

The simpletons discovered that a certain word they’ve been called for a long time is actually an insult so true to nature, they project it onto their targets. I know you are but what am I , they cry!!!

[@carefulcarpenter]

So true in so many ways. Censorship here on YT is becoming stifling. "shut up and sit down" ~~Authoritarian.

[@nv_chino]

Crazy

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

YES! And to them we may seem like a narcissist, bc since they're babies inside, when 'mommy' is not attending to them constantly in the ways they want, that makes 'Mommy' a narcissist in their eyes. They undoubtedly went through neglect & abuse too, and that's one reason some of them wound up being narcissists? A mommy who's not paying attention in functional, healthy ways to a baby with real & appropriate needs will engender in that baby a sense that Mommy is very distant, uncaring, selfish, and they will be correct. It's a sick, damaging cycle that perpetuates itself, as they turn every person they abuse into the mommy they long to become one with, and yet to kick at, rebel against and hurt - bc she wasn't good/enough/sufficient etc. The narcissist has to make a decision to get help and change, bc their neurology is programmed this way for various reasons. I hope we are making headway in therapy to learn how to help them when they are willing to grab themselves by their bootstraps and make the changes to become aware and stop their bad patterns! For me, when I notice what's under the hood, the mechanics of it, the fact that they're a baby and not an adult really, it makes it far easier for me to let go, detach and get away or at least get away inside myself if I can't physically get away from them completely. It makes it easier for me to Simply go neutral calm and sane, and take care of myself like a responsible adult instead of me being a codependent baby and feeling confused and upset like I have for years. Freedom tastes good! Knowledge and understanding are power toward freedom!

[@malwads1836]

I miss the days when I was 1st learning about all this stuff around 6-7 years ago....Back then most narcs didn't have a clue that folks were gradually starting to catch onto them & their 💩.

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@malwads1836 It's Biblical. First, people deceive themselves. They blame many sources outside of themselves. Narcissism is a habitual false reality. Then an honest carpenter comes around and a 2000 year old pattern forms: "Who do you think you are, carpenter?" "Who do you say I AM?"

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

It's weird when all people, including your exes, think you are a nice person. And suddenly you find this individual who starts pointing towards the opposite, just to discover that's how they behave themselves.

[@michellepurcell8703]

These people are so far removed from reality, I would imagine many of them will end up alone as they age. There is only so much abuse and manipulation people will tolerate, and surely word will get around as to how immature and toxic they are

[@malwads1836]

A lot of them do end up alone in places like dreary retirement communities & understaffed nursing homes for example.Virtually all of them are mentally alone though even in their youth😬.

[@malwads1836]

@@EmarieT-cn1li Yes victims can end up alone &/or feel alone obviously but what I was describing is the narcs.... Generally they tend to end up with a lot of 🔥 bridges over the years due to their abusive behaviors that poke out when their 🎭 eventually starts to slip.Narcs are mentally alone by default if nothing else because they lack the basic capability to genuinely forge deep meaningful connections with others due to their lack of empathy.The victims sometimes do end up alone & oftentimes feel very lonely before healing, but 1 of the biggest differences is that they can still feel empathy & connect with others...Even if they're sad, angry, or fearful at 1st.

[@skippingstones2023]

My adult daughter is a narcissist. I only realized this after she accused me of being one. I'm so sad for her. She is missing out on so much joy.

[@WildBillHickums]

I've dated some women with this same exact situation, and have learned there are 2 sides to every story. There is usually a degree of selfishness on both ends. I usually try to play devil's advocate in getting the girl I'm dating to see the other side and sometimes that works. I just think there is a very liberal use of the word "narcissist" in the place of "being narcissistic" which are two totally and extreme entities as I believe we all have moments of "being narcissistic" which we are not even aware of but have the propensity for self reflection. I can usually see the individuals who are being selfish but have propensity for self reflection and don't fully write those individuals off.

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

Most people learn their ways from their parents. Maybe you aren't a narc yourself. But most likely there is something you do that modeled that, and she just took it to the extreme.

[@georgebrudos3068]

Thank heavens she called me that! I had no idea what it meant, but over time, with education and discovery from you and other sources, it began to dawn on me about what had been happening for many years. She loved to provoke me to anger, then say, look, look how crazy you are! All kinds of diagnoses over the time we were together, she was an expert on everything that was wrong with my family and me. Uh huh. She’s gone from my life for several years now, and I’ve learned to establish boundaries that have been keeping me and three daughters at arm’s length from further abuse. Thank you, Dr C. What a blessing your work has been for me, and so many others, whose comments I read regularly. Team healthy is the place to be. 👊🏼🤓

[@tbunnyshy1]

This just happened tonight. If it weren’t for you Dr. C., my ground would have been shaken and I might have believed them. I looked right in my parents eyes as they raged at me. I was stable, cool and calm. They were simply dysregulated and failed to make me uncomfortable.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

You have acquired 'tools' on dealing with situations. Give yourself a huge pat on the back 👍❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward!

[@anautisticsguidetotheunive4109]

Good on you! It's so freeing to finally realize that not only were you not the problem but that you no longer have to be caught up in it! No doubt it took a lot of work on your part to get there as it did for me but so worth it. Hope you can reward yourself in some way and make this a habit. 😘

[@annjohnson8437]

Good for you! It is soooo difficult to do! Well done! ❤

[@LindaEckertBallard]

Were they raging at you bc you aren't pulling your weight? Or they didn't respect your demands? Sounds like you are still living with parents? Maybe you should. listen and possibly need to try to either become more independent and set a plan to move into your own place

[@justice8563]

I was recently screamed in my face by a narcissist that he is sick and tired of friendly people asking about me in a sincere way. The insecurities and jealousy over something like that, proves to me that he is loosing his ability to hide behind his mask of being considered a good person. His deep seated anger had to have shown through on his face, when he was asked that question about me because it certainly triggered him. When I was accused of being the narcissist, I realized it was their frustration of not getting what they wanted from their gaslighting and manipulations.

[@rositahuff4858]

…you would never believe me how much you helped me!!! When I used to call my sister…I had to apologize at least 3~4 times… often for things I didn’t even do…and explain my behavior over and over…and tell that she was right all along ….those times are over now…and I am so happy they are!!!!!!

[@KellyCastilla-f2q]

My "covert" narcissist wife of 10 yrs always accused me of being the narcissist where I was starting to believe it...we are separated and I'm having a hard time letting go but I know that's what needs to be done...I'm working and praying everyday for strength and to find my self again

[@l.5832]

When I pointed out to my sister her narcissistic traits she accused me of 'projection'......but I never did those things to her that I was pointing out!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ugh. Logic and self-awareness are not their strong suits.

[@angellollar1083]

Honor to share! In pastoral counseling, my spouse of 44 years did a preemptive strike and told the pastor that I was a narcissist. The pastor told me I was because I said I alot. That pastor was never around me to hear what I am like. BE A PERSON OF PEACE.

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

Pastor forgot to listed to both sides of the story.

[@kellymackie4836]

I found that since they mimick your words back to you- don’t give them any new words. Don’t ever let them know what you don’t prefer- because they will very quickly strike there. Example- before I knew what I was dealing with I said “you put words in my mouth “ and from then on he said that about ME. “You put words in my mouth.” Just don’t let them know any of your feelings about any conflict.

[@josereyes1148]

Mine did tht Alot too. Like whatever I accused him of he would do to me. Like in his head that canceled out what I said about him. So if I called him selfish because he was he would call me selfish. Then it's ,oh we were both just mad at each other we didn't mean it. That's really what it felt like he was doing.

[@RationalNon-conformist]

Don’t engage, like you said, they will use your words against you, that’s essentially what it is, they are truly mental. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel sorry for narcissists, not with how abusive they are. Sure, I can feel sorry for the child In them who was hurt, but as adults, they can choose to be better people, but they don’t want to be better people.

[@malwads1836]

​@@RationalNon-conformistExactly.I'll always feel sorry for the kid they once were because their caregiver typically let them down in some fundamental way...But at the SAME time I'm wise enough to realize that child psychologically ☠️ & can't be resuscitated, the adult is merely a hollow zombie roaming the land contaminating & sickening anyone that lingers around them for too long.

[@johntuohy1867]

Tell them you " simply disagree" and look forward to hearing those same words being hurled at you ahead of further insults accusations condemnations and degradations. NEVER explain defend apologize or argue.Such actions will drain your brain and compound all difficulties to lock you further into a one way slow destruction of your character and personality.

[@fred.k9875]

I have reached this conclusion to find good people we have to be in search of goodness in them.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, and unfortunately the percentage of that population is too low. They're out there, but like you say, you have to look hard.

[@LindaEckertBallard]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Problem is after a while we just aren't looking (or believing anyone any more)

[@malwads1836]

​@@SurvivingNarcissismIt's not easy out there nowadays, it often feels like being on an island of healthiness that's surrounded by a toxic sea😮‍💨.On the plus side it just makes you hug the good folks you have around you even harder🌞🫂.

[@henrykujawa4427]

Once I found Dr. Carter and began studying this problem on a daily basis (about 2-1/2 years ago), and realized that my TWO home care clients were BOTH narcs, I made a point to not let them know I was on to them. (If only I had made a point to get DIFFERENT clients as soon as I realized exactly what the problem was.) The novel I'm writing right now, I've found excuses to discuss the topic twice so far, and the current chapter, the main character actually meets and gets involved with a narc. But, fortunately, HE quickly identifies the problem. Now I have to figure out exactly how to get him AWAY from the person, as quickly as possible. (This is where having a "support system" of friends really comes in handy.)

[@espiritu_]

I started noticing extremely high narcissistic tendencies and personality traits in the Narc in my life and I called them out on it. Well, that backfired because they had already been smearing me as a narc behind my back and I unwittingly walked right into a trap. Lesson learned. Don’t engage with these types of people, they will only drag you farther from yourself. The best thing to do is walk away and live life to YOUR highest good.

[@well_weathered]

My daughter, but I have her awful, ridiculous texts! After not being able to get a reaction any longer, she has put me on the back shelf of ' use only when necessary'.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I'm sorry to hear this 🫂

[@well_weathered]

@@amandaliverpool3374 🌹 It is hard. I have to be downplayed. I see the reserve. The grandkids know how to act around mom and me. THAT is sad! Right there says it all. They don't understand why I was there evert day and then gone for so long. It's all over the place emotions but when we are together they know me!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

​@@well_weathered❤🫂

[@gdcat777]

It is only a fool who argues with fools. Never argue with a narcissist unless you want to be a fool. Shut it down.

[@jpiz17]

My ex told me I was a narcissist the other day. She gave me points where that “proved” it was me….it was then that I saw the choice she made to change the entire narrative and put it all on me. I had already put in so much work with therapy watching these videos an insane amount of self reflecting and processing what happened. I know at that point she would never change and radical acceptance was almost instant.

[@christinemilham2847]

You mean when they shoot back, "oh, look who's calling the kettle black?"

[@stevenhuntley8706]

TFW you have a blue kettle but the pot is mad the kettle is calling it black 😂

[@Hatbox948]

Luckily my ex narc never accused me of being a narcissist. I'm not sure he even completely understood that he was one. His doctor diagnosed him as bi polar and he went with that. He used it as an excuse for everything.

[@hidatsanow9018]

Definitely, we think differently!

[@dgloss1951]

I've gradually gotten back in touch with a narcissistic adult child. Guess what? She hasn't changed! And there are well-placed hints of late that I'm the narcissist! Anyone but her is responsible for the downward direction of her life. So glad I've maintained a safe distance. So grateful for you, Dr. C. My mantra is Dignity, Respect, and Civility. Thank you!

[@Gurkha24]

Oh I’ve heard that before. Everyone else was the narcissist.

[@waywardstitch8604]

When a narc tells me I'm a narc, (or selfish, or controlling, or abusive, or sooo mean), I've often responded with, "yep, and it's a good thing you figured that out so you know to stay away from me." They were expecting an argument but don't know how to respond to my agreement that also discards them.

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

Them: "You are Evil" You: "Yes, I'm Satan" Problem solved.

[@waywardstitch8604]

@@AlbertoSalviaNovella Well, I've never gone so far as to claim "I'm Satan" but I had a good laugh thinking of the look on their face if I did. Ha! 🤣

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

My Ex husband the Narcissist broke my wrist 10 years ago; this is why I left, but he has no accountability for his actions and to this day has told everybody, including my adult children that he didn't do it, yet all the Ex Rays were consistent with somebody twisting my arm.

[@jeffreyboyd2758]

12:01 A couple other good responses: “I know you are, but what am I?” and “that’s what youuu think.”

[@noladol]

They have to be the ones on top, but they are never the ones on top.

[@Herr.P]

Sometimes they are but its always at expense of others.

[@josereyes1148]

They always have to be on top. So much so that they make up situations where they were on top. When I finally called out my narc he told me I'm just jealous of him because he one-upped me all the time. He couldn't provide one example though. So I take a stand against his abusive behavior and I'm blamed for it and told I'm jealous. So pathetic.

[@rwdchannel2901]

My response to any narcissist calling me a 'narcissist' would be to say that's correct and the only way to handle me is to go no contact because I'm not changing. That way I'm winning because I get to go no contact with the narcissist. You know that narcissist calling you the narcissist is the narcissist because its only the narcissist that wants to remain in contact in order to continue to abuse.

[@TWILLIE639]

Now that’s what you call reverse psychology lol 😂.

[@rwdchannel2901]

@@TWILLIE639 Exactly. Its like let me help the narcissist get their bags and get out the door.

[@TWILLIE639]

@@rwdchannel2901 I love it 😂

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

YES. I have done things like this. When one narcissistic abuser accused me of things and wouldn't let me talk but was continuing to yell that I wasn't saying anything while yelling at an accusing me terrifyingly and wouldn't let me speak, when I finally got the chance to speak at emphatically passionately Darkly said I'm just an abuser! I'm an abuser! I'll abuse everybody so everyone better be careful and keep their distance! 😂 I have some innate acting skills and they come in handy once in awhile lol. That abusive tirade with me sitting clenched up and terrified ended shortly thereafter cuz they sort of realized they weren't going to get any jollies out of it??

[@yakyssim]

I just recently came to the realization that I'm in love with a narcissist. I have been trying to find a therapist for almost 3 yrs now and I wish I could find a therapist to help me. Because I feel like realizing this is the straw that broke the camels back. I don't know if I can do this. Thank you so much for your videos. They have given me just enough help that I can try to hold on just a little longer. So I can find myself.

[@MillieBarnes]

I'm so glad you're addressing this, my daughter tells me all the time I'm a narcissist but I'm not. It's bizarre cuz I exhibit none of those traits

[@Cooldudewhotellsamazingjokes]

I deal with a narc at work. He has tried to grey rock me. I love it because he is leaving me alone which is what I want in the first place. I have dealt with him for a year now. He does the same thing to others. It is my turn now I guess. I am getting better at dealing with him. I have messed up and am not proud of it. I learned from it and am working on getting better and better at dealing with him. I have a lot to learn!

[@fred.k9875]

One day a girl told the Cyrus the great that she is in love with him, Cyrus said I am old for you but there’s a young man behind you that you really would love, The girl looked behind her no one was there, she said Cyrus the great but no one’s there! Cyrus said if you were really in love with me you would not even look back. Some females and I hope I am not generalising, they use triangulation, intermittent reinforcement and many more to get us to love them? Not me!

[@well_weathered]

This reminds me of a (1958) movie we watched last night called 'The Big Country'. Have you seen it?

[@fred.k9875]

@@well_weathered No but I will look it up thank you 🙏!

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@well_weatheredWatching it tonight. Big names in it.

[@Denise-y2c]

I need peace. Mother makes chaos. I need some sleep, mother keeps me sleep deprived. Need prayer. Thank you.

[@Earthether]

Was looking for a video about this because I sought treatment for my relationship issues .. realized when I asked the therapist ‘was I a narcissist’ ? This video is exactly what is occurring and in fact I think I’m dealing with a covert narcissist .. it tough , painful and difficult. I’m going low contact after being emotionally attacked.

[@TrentGoss-f3h]

Been through this with a lady that way laughing at me having seizures. To cover up her abuse, she claimed that I was a pathological liar and manipulator to save face and prevent others from going in to business and ministry together.

[@tinylittlewars]

My boyfriend (who fits the traits of a covert passive aggressive narcissist to a T) uses this word against me in exactly the way you've described.. and the craziest part about it is that he doesn't even truly understand what it means! It's simply another weapon, like you say. Psychologically lazy is a great way to put it, because he doesn't bother to actually look into a subject any further than is needed to benefit his false narrative or use in his attack arsenal. It's just an insult as far as he's concerned-- and he really thinks he knows what he's talking about, it doesn't occur to him that I've done countless hours of research on it myself, read an enormous amount of material, contemplated and examined every aspect of the subject-- he read one short superficial article himself, yet he's the expert! Lol. He gets ahold of these buzz words like "projection" (oh man!) and then throws them around carelessly, constantly, not realizing what he's doing is the very definition of the term. It's maddening. Literally the reverse of the truth, like so many other things. But you guessed it, I'm the hypocrite here! It's like living in Bizzarro World. I know what the reality is, but it's nice to hear someone else verify it sometimes.. so thank you, Dr. C, you do wonderful work and I appreciate your insight and validation! You help me keep a proper perspective and realize that I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel. 🩵

[@RationalNon-conformist]

My mother is so scary because she really can trick you into believing she is so empathetic.. she is far from it. My narc sister would also accuse me of being competitive, they are projecting. What a sad world they live in. I’m sorry, a mother with emotional empathy doesn’t say that we are making things up and got it from a movie, regarding her physical abuse, that’s gaslighting. The things she did, woah, she would be in jail! Oh, and because I’m a loving and caring mother, she has told me my son looks sad. Truly mental. He is so happy and has the best life ever! I was the sad child growing up, how can she not see this? It will make you go mental if you try to engage, go no contact.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

I was the sick one. He'd never go to therapy except to one session. I feel sure HE was my illness. Glad he finally left me. So blessed to be out. As usual you nailed it for me, Dr. C.

[@gloriacoleman7012]

Narc's have their own logic it is not logic at all.

[@Herr.P]

Narcs will make your head spin and afterwards you wonder wtf just happened.

[@lynnanderson1923]

Backwards logic!

[@RationalNon-conformist]

@@Herr.Pit can really stress you out if you aren’t aware of what they are.

[@brucesmith9144]

Liked the example you provided, “well, we think differently.” I noted the calm way you said it. It’s too easy a trap to fight fire with fire because that actually fuels the narcissist. This example lets you set a different tone. Thanks!

[@tinycustard8709]

Just what I needed to hear this, thank you....I've escaped horrendous abuse but apparently he's a saint and i'm the narcissist. I'm so grateful I got out alive, I'm homeless but I have my soul and he's made me look at myself and my c-ptsd and I am finally working on the slow healing journey. I will heal and thrive...he will just find another victim.

[@111Phoenix777]

In my experience, there's a lot of people that project onto you what they are. I don't know if they're all narcissists, but there's a lot of people like that. What's in their wheelhouse, what they think about things, about themselves, what they would do, is what they project onto others. In fact, I have often found that what people say to me or about me, or others, often gives me a great deal of insight into their character, or at least how they think. Many people tell you who they are, without even knowing it.

[@mscraig5147]

Excellent points and reminders. We don't necessarily see others as they are, we potentially see others as WE are. Our worldview, so to speak.

[@aquagirl9228]

Thank you for addressing this topic! You, you , you...of course they will continue to project onto us. 🎯❤️🙏

[@JKB-ji6xl]

THX again Dr. C! I used 2 think narcissists project - & they do! But also, as U point out & I've observed, they fling words at others like throwing punches. The meaning of the word means less to them, can mean nothing, except they enjoy the sting that it causes. Like you said, the narcissist is SHALLOW. God bless you, Gus, & Team Healthy.

[@Rosielee123]

Love your cool comeback lines to the narcissist Dr. C & Gus 😊

[@riversideguy2356]

This used make me angry, but it was really funny the way he explained it!

[@michaeleckert5877]

The narcissist will call you out.They will test your resolve.Many times, I was on edge in counseling them.Then we established barriers.Its was mutually understood that we didn't always think alike.Then my visits became much easier.😊

[@pattijacobs5740]

Dr. Carter, I just want to comment that I am working on breaking away from an extremely narcissistic friend who is involved in many common activities with me. Not my first go-round, but it is still hard! I watch your broadcasts every day, and I want to thank you for helping me so much to accomplish my goal! Your knowledge & insight into narcissism fortifies me to do the things I need to so I can find my peace again.

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

How they act is with the sole purpose of you putting on with their behavior a little bit longer. If you can see that, they can no longer manipulate you.

[@rubeemoon8225]

I have to gear myself up for the strength to stay as calm as possible and not take the bait. I’m going through this very thing with my narcissist spouse. Thank you Dr. C, this was right on time. Strength, peace, and divine protection to all dealing with narcissists .🙏🏾✨

[@cymbolichuman433]

I realize that, in a way, I have narcissistic tendencies. So I've been working on listening to the people, don't hog up all the attention and also treat everyone and animals, with respect with consideration to their feelings.

[@mscraig5147]

Excellent job. Same. As I learn about narcissism, and realize we all have levels of this trait, I am more aware of my own self obsession and becoming more conscious of how I operate and in the eyes of other people. It's a good and healthy care and awareness.

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

Just see that not trusting you is nothing personal. It's just a fact.

[@George_panagiotis]

I went out with a guy who said his last date didn't work out because she was a narcissist. Apparently she was looking for someone who had a steady, stable job, which he did not. Earlier in the day he had mentioned that he wouldn't date someone who is fat or had children. Apparently it's ok for HIM to have standards and expectations, but not anyone else. They really are delusional. He was so hyper-critical and passive-aggressive. I'm ashamed to say that I saw him four more times. After two months, the cracks started to show. I stopped talking to him before things could progress and get worse. I definitely dodged a bullet!

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

I note that attention-seekers have a tendency to accuse others of attention seeking.

[@caroleminke6116]

He was always the victim & didn’t mind the label of a narcissist as long as it still meant that I was the problem

[@tetravega567]

I didn't want to outright call somebody a narcissist, but these videos are what came up when I googled the angry escalating, insults, deflection, and straight up lying bs arguing style I've been dealing with these past few months.

[@Snezanah]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS TOPIC!!!❤.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

In a reality of projection this is to be expected and it is useless to seek vindication.

[@kenshirogenjuro873]

The projection is actually so central to everything they do, and they have no interest in grounding themselves to reality. They only want to stay grounded to the narrative they've created in their heads and only have the ability to focus on "winning" in the context of a bullying contest, NOT on actually being objectively right about anything.

[@lindylufromoz5111]

I love how I get those *bling* moments when listening to all of your videos Dr Les/ x Linda / LindyLu from Oz.

[@fred.k9875]

We are Carterians , we are team healthy,despite of narcissist self impressed opinion!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm honored.

[@Klm-p3u]

Who cares. When they run out of excuses this is what they say at the end. If nothing else this recovery has taught me to not be concerned with what other people think. Thank you for sharing 💜

[@SlobArt]

I always think it’s me. If someone is having a bad day; I first think to myself was it something that I could have done. Narcissistic people I don’t think do that.

[@RationalNon-conformist]

Well, not necessarily. My mother would think she did something if we sounded a certain way, and she is a narcissist per Hg Tudor. She’s the covert malignant type. It depends on the person, a truly empathic person who’s codependent, they may think that someone’s bad mood is their fault.. they internalize it.

[@SlobArt]

@@RationalNon-conformist did she self reflect? Realize it just may be them? Then go about her business again?

[@lauracoussens6207]

LOL...I was with an "extreme" CMN for three decades...yup...he sure did almost turn me into one. It's so exasperating, frustrating, confusing and exhausting...nothing and no one will get them to operate in the normal range of functioning...period! Their love motor is in a constant state of malfunction, so pretty much nothing they do is out of true, genuine love. They think your reactions to their poor decisions and mistreatment is the problem. We know better! You have our eternal gratitude Dr. C and Gus!

[@lynnanderson1923]

Very well said

[@bels4116]

I'd never heard the word narcissist nor gaslighting until my ex narc called me a gaslighting narcissist to a group of my friends in front of me. He accused me of having an affair that same afternoon. So three years on we are divorced, he married the female HE was having the affair with and all my friends put me onto watching these videos because they all knew he was a narcissist before he ever called me it. Set up, yes, absolutely I was by him. Glad I'm free.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

This is such a classic example of a narcissist's projection. Keep learning, and I wish the best for you as you move forward!

[@anautisticsguidetotheunive4109]

Stuck in a mental rut where I seem to be judging myself in much the same way the Narc does, I needed to change up my dynamics. Today, I decided that the only thing I'm going to require of myself is that whatever I do is for my own well being/benefit and that I would consciously redirect my thoughts if I started to get judgy on myself. My plans are to sort through some items, exercise, groceries, library, mani/pedi stuff; All ordinary things that will likely earn me the Narc label...Thanks (in advance), I'll be well prepared to disregard it. 😎

[@l.5832]

I always feared focussing on myself would be narcissistic and I am really not that me-focussed to begin with so I clarified what my VALUES are. Then I act according to my values which means I care for my own welfare AND those around me. Keeping both in mind prevents me from being a doormat yet keeps me sensitive to other's needs. I will not violate my values.

[@anautisticsguidetotheunive4109]

It's counter intuitive to me as well by @62 I'm going to learn!@@l.5832

[@pnw_mainecoons6633]

I get this one but im not he does make me take inventory of myself and NO im not a narcissist! TYVM

[@mareeamor3596]

Oh I can identify with this one! I have had the impression for some time that the narcissist would have used this tactic, had I reacted to any of her gaslighting, but I have simply avoided her goading. It works!

[@Brendawallingbear]

This makes me think of when there's 2 mirrors facing each other and reflect each other to infinity. When a narcissist is calling you a narcissist, how are you so sure that you are not also a narcissist calling them a narcissist?

[@gertrudewest4535]

Thanks for your patient guidance. Always helps me to be a better person.

[@hazeyoung768]

I hate using the word narcissist...this relationship has been insane .the previous relationships were amateurs compared to him I'm a strong person he hurt me deeply but didn't destroy me .I stopped dumbing up.

[@theyellowshoe]

I'm at 1:04 mark, about a year ago was when I started the research on narcissism. I was watching one of your videos Dr. C when hubby came in the living room & heard just a sentence of the video. He had the nerve/gall to say I was the narcissist! I retorted "says the narcissist"! Oh he got so mad at me 🤣 didn't talk to me for a week! That week was so blissful & quiet. 🤣

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

I need to know myself and know to be honest so that when the dishonest narcissist comes along I will not take the bait. Thank you for that advice and all of your wisdom sharing dr Carter ❤ God bless you❤

[@ACLungavita]

Thank you Dr. C, AND a question that has been in the back of my mind, what exactly is narcissistic SUPPLY? And you have indirectly helped me, I now know SUPPLY is GUILT. Without guilt, the narcissist has no life.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It refers to their ego needs. They want people to feed their sense of importance. To them, that translates into you deferring to them, giving them affirmation, staying in the subordinate position, going along with their illogic, etc.

[@SandyBee-313]

Dr. C , I have recently come to accept that I have CPTSP from an emotionally abusive childhood with an alcoholic parent, and I now know that my husband has alot of narcissistic tendencies that he learned growing up in a narcissistic household (my FIL is a full blown covert narcissist, and both my hubby and I have gone low contact with him, so my hubby recognizes some of these traits in himself too, especially when he feels anxious or stressed). Now that I know what I know, how do I handle those times when my husband acts disgusted with me , is dismissive of my comments, makes invalidating comments or puts me down, especially when we are with other people. His personality definitely inflates around others, and I feel that he puts me down whenever he senses his shame, anxiety or discomfort in the situation. He becomes loud and rude and honestly, obnoxious in my eyes. Others find him charming and funny, but often at my expense. I don't want to make a big deal and I don't want to embarrass him or myself in front of others, but by the time we are alone again, I have started to question whether I'm being triggered, because of my past trauma, and it's really no big deal on his part, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up or not. Maybe it's not worth it; should I even bother trying to talk to him about this? How do I set boundries about it or is that even a reasonable expectation? Thanks so much, Sandy

[@skyinverted]

Looking forward to tuning into this.

[@lummie.soares]

I answer this one: You are so dam right! I've learned with the master 😅. Honestly I have no idea from where my nerves came from. It wasn't always like that and make me laugh inside every time I almost fell in this or any other trap.

[@supplynomore6471]

Thanks for this. Being defined by that list of characteristics, I can see how she cannot open her own eyes to see her actions. It was absurd that the last blow-up and silence was followed by a careful narrative that flipped it and made me the aggressor. It was just baffling to be told that I said things I would never say. Horrible things I wouldn't ever dream of saying for fear of destroying and shred of relationship. Yet she stood in her lie about me. Staying in control over me was so much more important to her than being honest. I was confused, and this video fully explains it. I am no longer living with this dread of speaking with her. We are a year silent and I will never be available to "argue" with her again. I get it. Lies ARE weapons.

[@emkode]

My stepmom was raging about my grandma when she was dying, accusing her of being attention seeking for.... dying. Stepmom, while literally frothing at the mouth, called her a psychopathic narcissist. I. Could. Not. Just no. I tore her a new hole. My grandma was one of the kindest, gentlest, most thoughtful people I have known. She was always doing for others and expected nothing in return. The complete opposite of stepmom. Ironically, every accusation out of stepmom's mouth is a confession. We are very, very low contact for obvious reasons. She really doesn't like me, and I take that as a compliment!lol

[@111Phoenix777]

Yes, that is definitely great advice. Do self-reflect, and be honest with yourself, but don't give an outward reaction to what they say or do if you can avoid it, because that is their fuel. That's what they're looking for. And definitely don't make them, what they said or did a centerpiece of your life. Definitely have other people, other things, hobbies, school work, job/career, etc. to focus on.

[@LV4REAL]

As always, great work, that's very appreciated, Dr. C! 😊Thank you!

[@karolemcaninch6495]

Looking forward to it

[@dixsigns1717]

"It's not me but you!

[@snowbear1877]

Very safe advice Dr Carter. I've encountered these accusations from my family for a lifetime.

[@ClickerTrainer1]

My notes: 5:11 This is an individual who doesn't know how to self-regulate. They're constantly thinking “if there's a problem in my world, it has to be you. It can't come from the inside of me.” So, they're very externally based in the way that they look at problems. They simply can't think “I've got some things I need to work on.” 5:33 They tend to have too flattering of an opinion of themselves. What they like to do is pick up on some of their nice moments. “I emptied the dishwasher. I helped you with that project. I gave cookies to a little old lady. See, I can't possibly be a narcissist.” 6:29 They constantly think competitively. They know that there's a judgmental system out there. There's a grading system. Who's high? Who's low? Who's excellent? Who's no good? They have to be the one that's on top. (MY NOTE: Even just thinking it, not jeering at people over it.) 7:40 Narcissists are very prone towards having a strong agenda. There's a certain way things are supposed to be. I use that word agenda; we can actually use a different term and that would be the word setup. By having their agenda, it sets you up to fail. You were supposed to do this and then if you don't comply with their agenda, it's like “see, you're the problem.” And that's all they can focus on. They see you as being disloyal, and they see you as being combative, if you don't do everything on the agenda. It doesn't even dawn on them that perhaps the agenda itself is the problem. 9:15 Projection. They have a mantra that says “if I can see a problem in you first, it means that my problems don't exist.” It's another manipulation. These individuals think labels are all that matters. “Descriptive thinking is not something that I do.” So if they come up with a label and make you sound bad, it's their way of saying “I'm a highly judgmental person. I'm psychologically lazy. I'm taking a shortcut to try to make you out to be the one who's going to solve my emotional problems because I don't have anything on the inside to draw on. 10:12 They are desperate for you to become upset. When they throw that that accusation toward you reflect “is there any truth that I was inappropriate?” When you have that objectivity, it throws them off.

[@DreamieArtist]

They bank on the idea that most people do not know the true definition of narcissism. Most laymen think it's just having a high or even healthy opinion of yourself. Therefore anything that goes against them is being too full of yourself, and therefore narcissistic. High standards and boundaries will get you labelled as selfish. Disagreeing with their twisted paradigm leads to accusations of gaslighting. Being worn down over years until you snap back at being abused, etc etc. They call you narcissistic to the masses of laymen that dont know the difference between narcissism and healthy self esteem and self preservation.

[@cheezitsw3279]

I don't think words have any meaning to my ex. They're just game pieces on a chess board. If I were to explain to him exactly why I think he's a narcissist, complete with evidence and examples, he would just take notes to himself on how he can turn that around and use it to score points.

[@haberdasher999]

The unfortunate truth is a narcissist will not admit to their lack of empathy. Guess it is like an alcoholic who says he (she) doesn’t have a problem, or an obese person says they don’t have a problem with eating. Just a thought

[@michellejohnson5217]

They don’t admit they lack empathy because one must have empathy to recognize it in themselves or others.

[@WildBillHickums]

@@michellejohnson5217When a person is delusional, they are genuine when they have no idea where you are coming from, and exactly why narcissists genuinely feel "attacked" by healthy criticism.

[@nursesteve2004]

A true narcissist will do or say anything to avoid taking ownership of any failing of their own, because it is unacceptable for tgem to admit to having any failings. My ex-wife's grandmother demanded that I get another best man because the man o chose was a black man. She insisted that my ex-wife's family would not accept a black man. I talked to as many people as I could and all said the only person who was prejudiced was her grandmother. It got back to her that I said she must be bigoted for asking that and she was highly offended that I would say thst because "everybody who knows me knows I am anything but bigoted, and the rest of tgem just don't want to admit thst they are bigoted."

[@peacefulpanther-es6ip]

I had a bpd ex-girlfriend who called me a narcissist a few time not in this lifetime,. I was diagnosed with biopolar, anxiety disorder, depression and mood swing disorder, also have dyslexia. 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮