What Is An Altruistic Narcissist?

[@karendovey3538]

It's all about LOOKING good rather than BEING good with narcs 🙄😕

[@13Maverik]

The ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing. It can’t get any worse than these type. Thanks doc!

[@krisztina442]

It's a strange type of personality, to say the least. They help others, help everyone in need but then they either expect something in return, or they expect "popularity" and limelight as they are the saviours of humanity. They like advertising their good deeds and at the same time talking rubbish about the people they "helped" (behind their back, of course). This is my experience. As I see it, real help and charity is always silent.

[@brendaebron1438]

Exactly ✌🏾

[@NavaSDMB]

My mother's version includes being so lazy that if she were a tile she could only go on the floor. She'll be in the board of this and the board of that, but she's never in the room when anything other than hobnobbing takes place.

[@treysmythsandtunes]

Welcome to my 'little me' world. My covertly narcissistic blood kins are very good at taking care of me, (even when I didn't want the extra help,) and the people around them - while they are consistently triangulating and belittling every single one of us. Sad.

[@carolnahigian9518]

🤢sounds like Echo of " helpfull" cousin WINDBAG;1- invites herSelf to Event,2- makes HAVOC! (3), brags about HOW HELPFULL SHE was for the next 26 years!🤢ug

[@marmaladesunrise]

​@@treysmythsandtunesIt's good you see through them.

[@spacegirl226]

This is both of my parents. Always willing to bend over backwards for OTHER PEOPLE, but when their own children needed help, they resented us for having needs. It is one of the biggest crazy making behaviors because I know how they are behind closed doors, and trying to explain their nasty behavior to the people they have manipulated with their "altruism" makes me seem like a petty little liar. Of course when anyone says "Oh, I just love your mother! She's the nicest woman on the planet!" or "Your father goes above and beyond!" I have to bite my tongue and feel some grief and shame. It really hurts. Thanks, Dr. C!

[@fulltimeonfire8536]

@@spacegirl226 I think part of the problem is you biting your tongue and letting their golden boy reputation continue to exist in a world where they've done you wrong. Crack that facade and let the people who think the sun shines out their kiester know that they actually suck, quite a lot.

[@tbunnyshy1]

It is a predatory game player. They PORTRAY a selfless character very convincingly. This hurts my head!

[@RandyDecious]

PREDATORS FOR SURE AMONGST US Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¡

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Pay attention to everything a narcissist says because you will hear the lies!

[@Cr0ssmyheart96]

My grandfather was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known and he was a true altruist. I always aspired to be as kind and giving as he was. I ended up going to college and had big dreams of helping out those less fortunate or making a real difference for people, but I was SHOCKED by how much of a contest it was for most people in those classes on who was the most giving and kindest. If you weren’t volunteering as much as someone else, as woke as someone else, etc etc you were berated for it. It really turned me away from that whole community and has made me wary of volunteer groups and social justice folks since. I had no idea to describe how my experience was, because these people were “good” people and it seemed strange to others for me to say they seemed off or their intentions didn’t seem pure or like they got off on it somehow. Stumbled across videos like this and I am SO GLAD I have words for the folks I was encountering now. I just wanted to add as well, I did run into genuine people in those fields but I found that they were far rarer than expected!

[@karolemcaninch6495]

Those people are infuriating. They are difficult to detect. But very toxic and dangerous

[@TheEmotionalSupportWerewolf]

They Can Be EXTREMELY Nice People But Can Never Be "Good" People & There Is A Massive But Subtle Distinction Between The Two.

[@well_weathered]

So true. That is how they have you fooled.

[@carefulcarpenter]

They are a contradiction, as Dr. C points out.

[@TheEmotionalSupportWerewolf]

​@carefulcarpenter They're The Living Embodiment Of Cognitive Dissonance.

[@sarahstrong7174]

Narcissists can be nice at times. But they are very changable.

[@TheEmotionalSupportWerewolf]

That's Actually Why I Don't Believe In A Separate Distinction Between Grandiose & Vulnerable. My Experience Is They're Usually Both At The Same Time Through That Cognitive Dissonance.

[@GiantSlayer-rr1vu]

An Altruistic Narcissist is what I call a covert religious narcissist, That's what you described Dr. Carter. In service toward everybody except their spouse. There is nothing healthy about that covert religious narcissist.

[@avanellehansen4525]

Giving, expecting something in return, is called trading!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Narcissists see relationships as transactions.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

The real yogis have been aware of this dynamic forever. It is why they do not accept gifts personally. When gifts are given by people, it really has a hidden expectation that is given with it, often. Such 'gifts' are more like bribes, trying to buy something in the future from the recipient of the 'gift'. The giver of the 'gift' wants to own the person; it is manipulation. Contrary to this, real love is not a transaction. Real love is freely given; caritas and agape. So yogis do not accept gifts. In normal social mores in some situations gifts are expected or mutually exchanged. I suppose that benefits social relationships sometimes. But a gift that is given due to imperatives is not really a gift. Real giving comes from the heart, just as real relationships do, and there is mutual affection. It is important to give, but just as Torkom Saraydarian wrote, giving can be a dangerous act.

[@yobrojoost9497]

Yep! There's no such thing as conditional love. That's just a deal. And there's nothing with a deal, as long as it's fair, but don't call it love. Love, by it's very nature, can only be unconditional.

[@BillieGote]

​@@yobrojoost9497 unconditional love is a tricky concept. There are those who misunderstand it to mean that love is selfless, that is, endlessly giving & without personal boundaries. There are others who intentionally twist that idea to their benefit to coerce a partner to tolerate continual lack of reciprocity and outright emotional abuse because "love should be unconditional." Genuine love does have conditions: reciprocal efforts, mutual respect, ability of each partner to form and maintain healthy boundaries -- are some of them. Part of love is also knowing when to stop short of enabling, or self-sacrifice, which is not good for either party. Perhaps in the case of relationships between a narcissist and an emotionally vulnerable person, the definition of healthy love must include a basic sense of honoring oneself as well. Whether it be called self-love, self-respect, or something else, that aspect is never portrayed in popular culture and it seems to be something that a lot of vulnerable people are missing. I know this to be true, from personal experience.

[@melissacaunarreaux9119]

This particular type has a huge flock of flying monkeys!

[@MT-bc1we]

the narcissist is always virtue signaling.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly.

[@jakehays8926]

so real

[@tinyvr7036]

Yeah. I am wondering if it's a person that acts so helpful and nicey nicey but all the while being vindictive and slanderous behind your back??? Not altruistic at all but self serving. 😢

[@thehedgerow]

My ex was kinda like this. He would help anyone and everyone and was so happy to do so!! but when he was home I hated asking him for help. He would throw a fit and I just gave up and started doing stuff myself. I just didn’t want to bother him. I never understood why I wasn’t important like everyone else. But he’s my ex now and I had no idea the load that was on my shoulders when I was with him. I’m at peace now 😊

[@spacegirl226]

Ha, yeah. That was my ex husband. I remember bringing that up with him -- why were his friends more important than me his wife? Why wouldn't he help me with the same enthusiasm that he jumped to help his friends and coworkers? Never did get an answer but he is my ex now.

[@53booker54]

This is my husband’s behavior and I always wondered why he was ‘nicer’ to other people than to me.

[@thehedgerow]

@@spacegirl226 yeah it’s so sad. I helped my ex with whatever he needed. But vice versa it wasn’t the same. Glad you are well!!

[@hellswindstaff91]

@@thehedgerow sorry you endured that my ex girlfriend was like this too if I asked for help it would make her feel good to agree but when it came time to show up I got a book of excuses. Final straw for me was needing assistance after emergency surgery and she was nowhere to be found not even a phone call.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Gifts equal control to a narcissist. The gifts are gifts they think you should have. Never ask you want you want. If you ask them for something they will say no!!

[@visualapologetics4891]

Agreed! And the giving always has strings.

[@RandyDecious]

NARC NUCKLE HEAD I KNOW BOUGT ME AGLASS CALLED BIG NOSE BEER I WENT 2 GRAB IT OFF COUNTER ITFELL 2 FLOOR😂😢😮😅😅😅😅😅😅😅 AN SHATTERD I PANIC KED FOR A SEC THEN SAID OH WELL I.DIDNT CARE FOR THE GLASS AN LAFFED MY AS OFF HES STILL NOT SURE IF WAS A ACCIDENT NEVER WENT BACK WEIRD PLP OUT WACTH UR BACK

[@shawnmandrones8360]

💯 this!

[@carefulcarpenter]

A narcissist will say: "You are too good to be true.," A subtle form of gaslighting.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, and rest assured you will be vilified when you prove to be human.

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@SurvivingNarcissism And they often have sway with groups. You may be labeled a "lone wolf" with all the negative baggage that comes with.

[@gypsyfaded5907]

Yep! A narc I know favors saying "you complete me" to a current beau yet moves on very quickly to another. Rinse. Repeat.

[@willisknapick4405]

My ex said that to me not in those words when we dated. I thought something was off but didn't question my reaction. Big mistake!

[@MKCarol-ms7lg]

My ex-husband handmade magnets and pins and would 'randomly' give them to people. They changed each holiday. One day there was a crying child outside an elevator we were waiting on and I suggested he offer one to the child. He looked at me like I'd just dropped in from Mars. He declined to do so and resisted any encouragement from me to do so. I took one and I offered it to her. With her mother's permission she took it and seemed to feel better. I learned that day that the entire process was just to get favor from people who might be beneficial to him. The final straw was when I saw his magnet on the file cabinet of the therapist who was evaluating him for the court regarding our custody/visitation case.

[@ro7547]

I joined a “Random Kindness” group on FB, but don’t participate in it much, because it’s “showy”. I would much rather help someone quietly.

[@carparthero]

narcissists would never make an anonymous donation or act of kindness, because then they would never get the recognition they want to get. the fact that narcs present different faces to different people means they always know what they're doing and saying. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@Creating2413]

I've noticed that when you are around these people I feel a strange sensation that something is off. I've seen people I don't know well but they are happy to tell you about how lucky you are to be in their presence because their time could be spent elsewhere and all the good things they do. They want to be noticed because the attention seems to be the most important part for them. It is an uncomfortable place to be when they are around.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

When you are serving, make sure you are not serving your own ego. Thank you 🙏 dr Carter. God bless you❤

[@kellyandaaron2005]

My ex narc was all in with helping me navigate medical appointments & help with some of my needs involving my disability. Within months he was forgetting appointments or picking up meds. A year later, he was done with me, so he ended up telling me he thought I had been faking my illness all along. I was shocked. Ultimately, I went no contact. He only cared about looking good to others and could have cared less about the reality of my painful & difficult situation.

[@gypsyfaded5907]

Right?! Even their expressions go blank if they should see you in pain

[@kellyandaaron2005]

@@gypsyfaded5907 Yep.

[@caroleminke6116]

Yup 😢 me 2 & abandoned when my condition got worse due to his neglect & uncaring attitude as well as wandering eye

[@lishmahlishmah]

I risked my life more than once due to these behaviors of my narcissists. They do not distinguish the severity the illnesses or any other serious physical conditions of other people because they are not interested at all. They are only interested in their health, and they they look after themselves veeeeery well. Furthermore, this pattern of accusing others of faking illnesses, it seems to me "typical" in narcissists behavior. Or either they say our illnesses "it's all imagination due to psychological problems" Actually, *they* faked serious illnesses! Themselves! Or they faked serious physical accidents... And so on. Later I discovered they didn't have any health issues. They had Nothing! In the meantime, to follow their "very serious" fake illnesses, I neglected my health too many times (also because in many cases they really managed to convince me that I had just a psychological issue...). In the past, I ended up in the emergency room many times, always with serious physical conditions... Once, in the emergency room with terrible unbearable pains, I kept repeating to the doctors and nurses, "please, this is not imagination, this is not imagination, please, I can't take it anymore, I'm really sick". They looked at me, as if I was delirious... and a nurse told me "What are you talking about? Try to stay calm. We can clearly see that it's not imagination!" Dear fellow survivors, ...Never again. Never again. Now, take care of yourself the best you can. 💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙

[@lisap3652]

I’m sorry you went through that. You could be talking about my ex husband as I had almost exactly the same experience with him! From helping with my disability to not bothering to get my prescriptions to saying I refused to look for work when he knew I’m physically unable to work. 8 years later I’m still traumatised by it 😢

[@BradKandyCroftFamily]

This is my Dad. He loves to give things so that he can hold those over your head when he wants to control you. He would help buy a car for you, just so he can tell you when you can and when you can't use it. He gives the grandkids toys just so he can take them away when he's mad at you. And you always know when he's been helpful in any way or how much a present costs. It's never about who he's giving to (the presents are usually something he wants for himself), it's about how good he thinks it makes him look to others.

[@larryl2398]

My dad recently told me how it it cost to raise each kid and even gave a dollar amount, which was of course overexaggerated.

[@cymbolichuman433]

so oppressive...@@larryl2398

[@Hatbox948]

My ex narc went above and beyond to help certain people, but he failed miserably with his children and me. He still can't wrap his head around the fact that his three sons want nothing to do with him. As children they never knew where he was most of the time.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

Sort of like the aphorism 'charity begins at home's?

[@caroleminke6116]

This type still trips me up but now that I’m a year out of the last altruistic narcissist I feel like I’m inoculated for life & once I smell that rat odor I run… fast!

[@beebs72332]

I know a woman who feels the need to have a whole photo shoot every time she gives blood or donates to a charity shop. Then she tries to destroy the lives of anyone who doesn’t celebrate her.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

Wow, really? That sounds so hypocritical and self-deceiving.

[@karolemcaninch6495]

I know someone like that

[@avanellehansen4525]

Gross!

[@sandrawamerdam2219]

I know someone like that too. Crazy.

[@ceciliamac4283]

Hahahah a photoshoot??? WoW 😂😂😅😮‍💨 Gross

[@Klm-p3u]

If its too good to be true it probably is. If there are strings attached it's not giving from the heart.

[@jeprusan]

I know someone who fits this description. Sadly, it’s a family member. If I had to sum him up with one word: insidious. I’ve been burned one too many times by this person. I no longer associate with him.

[@chelleb3055]

They use "nice" as a tool where some of us simply are nice or at least try to be for no other reason except it's the right thing to do. We get nothing out of it and don't think of our actions as always needing to be reciprocal or rewarded. The narcissists use nice just like every other emotional weapon (fear, envy, hope).

[@caroleminke6116]

Dangerous scary people

[@AmanoJack]

I know a malignant narcissist (a monster of epic proportions) that runs a charity. She receives infinite narcissistic supply, constant praise, extravagant award ceremonies, newspaper articles, etc. But what she's really doing is collecting "leverage". I've met tons of other "community organizer" types, local politicians, etc. and they're all exactly the same kind of people. The amazing people who really DO care about others and want to help are the workers who work for charities and politicians, and they are usually WORSE OFF than the people they help. I suspect these people own and control everything.

[@joannewlands4438]

You are so correct….in my experience with such an individual, everything was done for secondary financial gain, constant recognition, praise and accolades - and of course a steady stream of financial donations that supported their ability to live the life of the privileged white class in Africa. It was shameless.

[@SlobArt]

They “fake” empathy.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Correct.

[@DanaP3335]

My ex is like this with our adult sons, he will take care of them, pays for all they need to keep them as supply. They aren't being launched, he claims to be helping, but it is handicaping our sons. Gift giving is over the top and inappropriate.

[@dianegh3508]

They will give to others, but always making sure others know what they did. There's no secret giving. Also they're irresponsible financially to their spouse and family and will give to others, to the detriment of those closest to them.

[@53booker54]

I’ve been confused and puzzled for years about my husband’s behavior! I had a suspicion he might be narcissistic but thought no that couldn’t be it because he consistently thinks of and helps others, doing good, has been on good terms with the Pastor of whatever Church we were at for years always doing good for others. He helped me a lot but then I could never figure out why other people outside my marriage and our children (who are now grown-up) were more important than me and my children when they were growing up. So I would keep ‘excusing’ his bad attitude towards me behind closed doors. He has fooled so many people including me. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 last year and medication has cleared my lifelong illness. Thank God. Yes he helped me which was good. But he wants to be noticed for every ‘good’ thing he does. Now at 45 years of marriage I feel like finding out more about what boundaries I need to learn and practice with him. He acts like he knows best, can never do wrong, constantly needs attention and takes what I say from past conversations to use against me. He has an excellent memory.

[@shawnmandrones8360]

This is my MIL. Always trying to forcefully “help” our family. When we let her help she complains and lets us know that we don’t appreciate her. She also complains about the jobs we let her do but when we ask what she would like to do she just says I’ll do whatever you need. She’ll also let other family members know that she was helping in a way that portrays us as in desperate need and incapable of managing on our own. She continually tells us that she just needs to feel useful but it’s more than that she needs us to be dependent. My husband and I are middle aged professionals and very productive and independent so this creates massive tension!

[@MBAinternetmktg]

I've done my share of volunteer work; sometimes it's the Altruistic Narcissists who get the attention, awards, job prospects--and sometimes they are not doing the amount of work that others are doing. They use volunteer work as a steppingstone in their career. There are people on nonprofit Boards who do the same thing.

[@KatieEckert-r6p]

I love your fur baby in the background …I think she loves listening to your voice as much as I do. 😊

[@gazoo7411]

Kindness is it's own reward.

[@WonderfulWorldofAwesomeness]

Wow this exactly describes my sister in law, who married into our family when I was 11 and subsequently that’s when my Mom says my personality changed overnight. I became a depressed and sullen child. Because this person moved in with my family and was constantly doing stuff for everyone. And so we couldn’t ever have any negative feelings towards her completely taking over our family and controlling everyone, constantly putting us all down, and destroying the entire core and destabilizing us.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

On the rare times I asked Dad(narc), for help, he told me to be "self-sufficient", what a jerk!

[@Lemana28021989]

Sometimes it even shifts into a "LET me help you! Why won't you accept my help?!" And then later vome back to you that you still need to repay them in some way as they offered help but you didn't even accept it. It's always lose-lose.

[@terridavies7883]

You need to put my elderly father’s picture the corner of this video…he’s the very definition of altruistic narcissism. And when you say the inside doesn’t match the outside…you are 100% spot on.

[@kdferg2830]

I have an in-law who is very much like this. This person has carefully crafted their online image to receive the most affirmation and adulation possible, meanwhile completely neglects the relationship they have with their adult child. Every good deed, charitable act, and even gifts to others has to be photographed and posted to social media. I never understood how a person could be so baffling--acting like a literal saint for friends and acquaintances, yet those same vibes definitely don't check out when being around them in person. They are extremely gossipy and say some pretty terrible things about others rather frequently. And there in lies the truth! If you question why someone is so extremely extra when it comes to giving gifts, offering compliments, trying to appear as the nicest and most caring person you've ever met, they are for sure overcompensating for something. I have naturally kept my distance from this person because things just don't add up! And this person doesn't like me because I don't bow down to them and tell them how fantastic they are or, or care to hear them endlessly humble brag about their "blessed" life. It's all so incredibly insufferable. Beware if things seem too good to be true is right!

[@sawdustadikt979]

This sounds like every dog rescue organization i have ever dealt with. As well as many religious learned or spiritual guru or spiritual leaders. I’m sure there are some great people and organizations out there, maybe one day I’ll meet one.

[@fred.k9875]

Dr.C you are truly are in the business of saving lives, thank you 🙏!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for being an encourager, Fred!

[@SlobArt]

Saved mine.

[@fred.k9875]

@@SlobArt mine too!

[@gypsyfaded5907]

💯🎯

[@whatthecrud]

I used to belong to a religion where the bishops (the leaders of a congregation) weren't paid and were chosen to volunteer for about 5 years. I can't tell you how many times me or other people in my church were treated abusively in the name of obedience, etc. One Bishop was speaking to the whole congregation about how you should always pay your tithing. He made an example of someone that everyone in the ward knew, who was so sick they were at death's door. He talked about how he took away this man's temple recommend because his medical bills were so high he couldn't and didn't pay his tithing. Going to the temple was an integral part of that religion's worship. He said he did it to teach him a lesson in obedience. Religion is a great place for the narcissists referred to in the video. They get narcissist supply with certain titles and it emboldens them to treat people horribly in the name of religious altruism.

[@oliviamiller9267]

What is an altruistic narcissist? The same old narcissist. Like a piece of wax fruit, the altruistic narcissist is more perfect than altruistic real people.

[@bennyscomin]

Brilliant analogy

[@fancypinkg]

Going out of the way to help others they need to impress and later make sure to spread the news to hear “ wow you are so wonderful “but the ones that already know them and don’t need to be impressed… not a finger.

[@bobtaylor170]

I'm typing just before the video starts, so I don't know where you're going with this, but my cousin, the sociopath, was for several years in charge of his huge church's charity outreach to the community. I'm sure he relished being seen as the rescuer, more sure he enjoyed saying "no."

[@ramonaearnest4709]

Yes I've been waiting for this! I work with an altruistic narcissist! He's annoying as hell! It took me some time to figure it out but I finally did some research and I know this describes him to a tee! Thank you!❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@henrykujawa4427]

The part about food kitchens, etc., describes my NOW-EX home care clients exactly. Having worked for those 2 guys for 4 YEARS (at least 3-1/2 years too long), I feel whatever "good" they did was to give a false impression so when they'd TURN NASTY-- which they repeatedly did-- they would be able to blame it on someone else (especially me).

[@ds6258]

My spouse has no boundaries and doesn't respect my request to stop oversharing; particularly with personal/private things. It doesn't matter what it is, they'll share it. The private things bother me, obviously, but there's other things they share and their behaviors that just really bother me as well. For example, I enjoy building, creating and doing things like renovations. My spouse will tell someone (coworker, family) how we went to the hardware store for lumber for a project, down to minute details like the type of stain or number of boxes for flooring. Then when the project is done, they'll either send/show pictures or show someone in-person. The in-person situations are particularly uncomfortable because they'll go over the same minute details, while also saying how I did such a great job, they're really proud of me or they love the work I did. I brought this up to a family member and they blew it off, stating my spouse was just proud of me. I said no, it isn't that, it's much different. I just can't find the word for it. I don't need or want credit, praise, approval, etc. Furthermore, we've already established that I'm not only capable of doing the project, but also made sure both of us were pleased with the results. It feels intrusive and pushy, like I'm not allowed to do, go through or experience anything in my life without it becoming some big conversation with someone else. It also makes me very uncomfortable when I have to stand there while they basically fish for compliments, on my behalf, when no such thing is required or requested. In a sense, in those moments, I almost feel like a 2-year-old that just went potty on the big toilet. Are they really just looking for other people to approve of ME for THEM? It just feels so icky.

[@amberinthemist7912]

They have no inner cire so they constantly need an audience for their life. They don't view you as a separate person so they can't understand why you would have different needs. This does not get better. Do they ignore your personal preferences in other regards?

[@pamelamoore6239]

This is tricky and I'm sure there is more than one way to look at it. He should, however, respect your request for privacy. He might be living vicariously through you and feel his own live is too boring to share.

[@ds6258]

@@amberinthemist7912 Yes, they do. I've asked and even told them, if they make dinner, I will fix my own plate. I've expressed this ad nauseum. They still fix my plate for me. I could like a lamp because of the texture or color, stating specifically why I like it. They'll get me a lamp they found on clearance because I "like lamps." One Christmas they asked about a pair of pajamas I had and I said I wasn't interested in another pair. I even stated how the other pajamas the store had was a no-go because I didn't like how they were tight around the ankle. Not only did they buy the pair I specifically said I didn't want (they were on clearance, shocker), they got me a gift card to this store. I don't even shop at this store and more specifically, avoided this store when purchasing some items a few months prior.

[@ambergreen6359]

​@@ds6258 Holy moly. My jaw dropped! EXACTLY!!! And I'm guessing you're a really bad person and really hurt them if you nicely express you didn't need these things after they went out of their way to do just the right thing for you (which you clearly stated beforehand wasn't needed)? Or didn't want the attention for your completed projects?? Etc, etc....

[@ds6258]

@@ambergreen6359 The start of the gift-giving process usually starts with, "I know how you like ______," or they "did their best." If they couldn't find/didn't want to pay for it then it's about how they couldn't find it, a store associate wouldn't help them, they weren't comfortable purchasing it online...some excuse. For my birthday or our anniversary they'll wait until the night before to ask where I want to eat or suggest a place, which is just where they want to go. They throw a tantrum if I'm not over the moon about things. Telling me I'm selfish or entitled.

[@gabbym9217]

Aaaaaand now my grandmother makes sense 😮😅

[@sharipowers1576]

My mother is one of those covert narcissists. She never does anything without wanting credit for it or some gain from it. Her so-called altruism always comes with a price and strings attached.

[@peacerun]

I know someone exactly like this but never knew what to call it since they do hugely beneficial things … but they have all the other traits you described here.

[@gypsyfaded5907]

'Absolutely agree, Dr. C! Was recently thinking about how narcissists are the ultimate virtue signalers. They'll take to their soapboxes and rattle on about just how good and virtuous they are. No humility whatsoever! 💜🐾

[@larryl2398]

And how much they sacrificed and did so much for their kids.

[@b8akaratn]

Been there: my ex was very dedicated to communities devoted to the humanities in many ways, and also could be caring towards the unhomed. Today i now see angles to his motivations and how they became both skewers and sutures at the same time.

[@michaelkunz7370]

Some enablers are the worst narcissists.

[@Wisdomseeker5]

This small town I was living for 17 years. It was a competition about who helps others. I remember those woman, two neigbours. One was cover (quiet, "Humble", church person), The other woman was more intens.. Ask privat Questions how to help, comes with cake to the door, a control my time. When I started to see the disfuntion on her family, and stalking...I took distance. She still stalking me, even I moved out far ..faraway 😂

[@rorrim5627]

Doc, it comes off more like record keeping. I've had some recount all the things they have done for me, even emailing the list of "generous" deeds to the family as proof. SMH its twisted.

[@karenharnish8090]

You just described my last relationship. It took me a while to figure which type of narc he was since it was really messing with my head and he didn’t seem to fit the standard descriptions. Great video. Thank you for all you do.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!

[@theartzscientist8012]

Serving to be seen.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Bingo!

[@DianeCorning-vz8se]

They will help others while taking food from your and their children's mouth.

[@persasrho4799]

I've heard of a few hiding behind animal rescue orgs.

[@cherylnathanodette]

Giving for givings sake shouldn't be used as a source of receiving praise and gratitude, if you are going to help others or help a charity you don't have to make a song and dance about it. But don't stop helping someone in need for fear of haters or jealousy. Be kind team healthy.

[@donnamaniscalco]

He liked bragging about helping others, however he never did anything for me even though I was housebound because of surgery. A painful reality.

[@Eric.1I37]

Key word is Intent. What is the underlining intent.

[@sage9836]

I recently backed away from someone who seemed desperate to help somebody, or anybody. I didn't need anything. Something was off. Like out of context. I'll never find out for sure if the person is an altruistic narcissist, but after this video, I think so!

[@tonymartos2922]

My ex narc after the discard since we both work at the same hospital for a time kept sending me job openings in her department saying she needs a work friend. Some of the jobs I didn’t even remotely qualify for and she insisted the game was rigged and she’d get me on board. I kept saying “oh yeah I applied.” I didn’t. Something felt off especially after the discard. It made no sense to me why she wanted me around, other than to control me or mess with me mentally. And when I figured out months later, her next supply was her boss of that department, I feel like I avoided a literal minefield. But yeah I think she wanted to “help” me by making me feel like I owe her, didn’t sit right with me.

[@Egyptrose11]

In Jewish tradition the highest form of charity is charity done anonymously! At this time I am dealing with a person who lovebombs through giving gifts -mostly unwanted stuff that appears she dug out of her closet. And she will not take no for an answer. She aggressively gives the gifts , it’s kind of comical. I just stay neutral. I feel like she probably wants to feel like a good altruistic person.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it!

[@susanmercurio1060]

I have seen people who want to control others behind a show of "niceness." One in particular was a minister's wife. And now I remember a couple of people who volunteered to help me but it turned out that they had 11 other people (projects) who they were helping and they were never available when I needed them.

[@cymbolichuman433]

I've been there... I appreciate the good things they do. That's it.

[@julienatoli8561]

Love you Dr Carter ... Yes Sir you're quoting scripture, it says in Matt.6:3-4 "... and do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing..." I love Gods wisdom and I know you do too!! What a noisy world we live in, we gotta intentionally tune out social media, negative thinkers and ask ourselves ... Now what's in my heart? Because doing NOW what I'll be happy with LATER is wisdom 🙌 and that beautiful still small voice within is trying to guide & protect us. God bless you abundantly Dr C ... onward and upward for Team healthy!! 🙌🕊️✝️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Julie!

[@marykarle3997]

Yep…he did stuff for me until I told him I was not going to bed with him..then silent treatment and then dumped..

[@loriw1189]

My ex husbahusband would take his lunch to give his niece a ride home from school but would NEVER take time off from work to take care of our children

[@Gloria1113]

Finally, I have the 🎯 BULLSEYE description for my narc!!!!! Prayers please!!

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

And they’re usually are the ones stepping in front for the photo shoot or posting selfies of them contributing on Social media. 😂

[@snowbear1877]

Surely it's good if people want to help out.

[@edycrowley2878]

The Altruistic Narcissist is very similar to the Communal Narcissist.

[@judysangregorio2787]

All of what you say is SO TRUE about the altruistic narc. This was a beautiful video. Thank you so much Dr C! Hi to Gus!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@Esmeralda18026]

The children know the other side.

[@emmsue1053]

Gosh, its such a massive subject! I guess there is a bit of Narc in us all? Confusing! Just some one treating others kindly & with respect could possibly change the world, *but it has to be a two way process I guess? Its a shame kindness & watching your words can be seen as a weakness.

[@BodyMusicification]

Wow this perfectly describes some of my ex-wife's tactics. There were many aspects of her behavior that portrayed care and made her seemingly a great partner. But there was always a sense these kind acts were a bit over the top-like they're used as a tool to control me with the goal of satisfying her needs.

[@801rbd]

Good summary point - "And when you give. . . do not let your left-hand know what your right-hand is doing." Great video, Les!

[@Tashiro808]

This is a very good description of my father in law and my wife’s brother.

[@dianedeclare8541]

Back in twenty fifteen I was invited to ecuador by the narcissist whom I did not have a diagnosis for At that time because I did not know the red flags to look out for. She came back to Vancouver's downtown East Side. Carnegie community center to make sure that her flying monkeys believed her smear campaign of 😢 me. This was a shocking betrayal. Because I could feel the shunning vibe of people who would not tell me what she had said about me. I am a mixed race native 70 three-year-old despairing native woman.

[@michellehill718]

Happy Monday Dr. C and Team Healthy! 😊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Michelle.

[@darinsmith2458]

I wish I could send links... There are so many examples of this in movies/shows.. Eddie Haskell would be one.. I am going to go off on a tangent.. I found out that there are so many codependent people in healthcare.. They are "helping people" when in reality it gives them an excuse to be morally corrupt..

[@snowbear1877]

My nephew is a Christian narcissist. He has had everything given to him in life. He was portraying an image on Facebook of how he had overcome great hurdles. I said " many people suffer great burdens silently and help others quietly". He rang me uo and abused me. He went ballistic. He unfriended me on Facebook. I apologised, but he never refriended me.

[@alison7948]

Would you happen to have any advice for dealing with a covert passive aggressive narcissistic mother (my mother) and what to do when a grandchild is in involved?

[@elizabethambielli610]

Anger is a natural emotional reaction when the personality trait (narcissistic) is realized. We of faith (striving and struggling to live it) surely want to TRUST others, be humble to accept gifts and we reciprocate (maybe not to same monetary value) We learn friendship is 'two way giving' / anger as emotions in privacy of home is when THE TRUST we thought could be with this other was betrayed. We approach and try to share a feeling and THEY SCREAM, bust down, mock, shut it down quickly. There's anger and why why why... The anger expressed in privacy of home ... will subside... when coupled also wih prayer. Then... truth comes as to human nature generally... ie: HUMBLENESS OR PRIDE. OWE NOTHING TO ANYONE BUT TO LOVE THEM... if they wish to give a gift, SURE take it. Don't feel guilty or dependent to the gift, we of faith are content with what we earn and how we live and work. (GOD will provide the grace to one day allow us of faith to be needed by them. Which will be humbling to them, of course. If they want to give big gifts, fine...that's their free will, take it graciously, say thank you but don't gush over the gift. AND DO NOT TRY TO MATCH gift to gift. (that's not love) Go about your good life as always... Do not ask them anything of your own life. THEY WILL NOT GIVE RESPECT ... it make them believe 'their truths' that the recipient of their gifting is so NEEDY OF THEM. TIS BLESSED TO GIVE ... TIS BLESSED TO ALSO RECEIVE with GRACE. (remember God incarnate who graciously asks of us to HELP HIM...in the obvious passage of Simon who assisted Him in carrying the cross) ... accept the gift graciously, and remember ... one day, they will also be needing from you in a way that is yet seen. It's humble to accept kindness but don't 'sell your very soul' when accepting the gift by taking their DISRESPECT.

[@jessellabenedict9169]

They like to be right

[@bennyscomin]

"Altruistic" is a nice way of saying what it really is.......overcompensation for their utter lack of humility and self-awareness. I would go so far as to say it's a nicer way of identifying the "oblivious" narc, obsessed with keeping up appearances to mask the profound insecurity that drives their own self-obsession........they may know the meaning of the word "altruism", yet to the oblivious narc, it's just another tool in their toolbox in order to..............wait for it...............keep up appearances. And in this way, they will never truly come to realize the growth and character -building value of selfless acts of service and kindness, or how by it's very definition, altruism is it's own reward. Tragic really, for the oblivious narc, and anyone who cared for them.

[@sarahstrong7174]

I am interested in this sort of thing because I was brought up to be a narcissist basically. At the time I left home, although I had realised at around the age of ten that I most certainly did not want to be like my parents at all, from whom I suffered much violence, abuse & quite deliberate cruelty, I still had very narcissistic atitudes, did not really value peoples feelings, having been taught that feelings were something to be put aside & overcome, looked down on a lot of people, for a lot of reasons, e.g. if people had not worked for & gained academic qualifications etc & was profoundly unaware of my own feelings. My self-esteem was so low I came very close to killing myself more than once. Such was the cruelty I went through that when I was 15 a psychiatrist gave the prognosis that I was about to go irretrievably insane & would probably spend the rest of my life in a psychiatric intstitution. I was fortunate in that I had a strong intuition that I had to maintain my own state of integrity. This meant that I had to be absolutely true to what thoughts & beliefs I had, even though they were not popular with my family at all & I was repeatedly criticised & punished for them. I can see that I & my attitudes have changed a lot. I was extremely fortunate to go to a college where there were a lot of very well qualified, deep thinking, ethically concerned people. The college principal & deputy & some of the people involved with the organisation were conscientious objectors during WW2, who had suffered punishment for their beliefs, yet still held firm to their principles. There were a lot of very well educated, thoughtful, people there, some of whom were Quakers & I loved to listen to these people, some of whom were very kind to me & I learnt an amazing amount from them. Goodness knows what would have happened to me if I had not found a few guiding stars that lead me into saner, kinder & more practical & constructive ways of thinking. I am not sure how I would even have survived as a person. From them I learnt much. It was all such a breath of fresh air after the 100% negativity, hatred & dark, destructive, dangerous influence of my torturous childhood. I also found the book -'Games People Play' & others in the series immensely usefull & worked on myself using transactional anaylsis for many years. I have learnt how to work with dreams & with creative methods too. I still feel tortured sometimes & still have to work with myself every day. But I could have so easily slipped into a very tortured insanity back then. Things have not been easy but I have sanity. I feel very grateful indeed.

[@axhed]

5:54 RIP harris wittels.

[@Joy.1111]

Thank you this is good information. I never heard anyone speak on this. I can relate to seeing that type behavior

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@katiebocon]

Always Dr Carter's videos. Helped do much in dealings with narcistic people. Top notch 💖💖💖

[@midnightwitch606]

This is my mother, she lets her "whats in it for me" persona show too much, she's not good at hiding that at all, i have her figured now

[@darkrisrad]

It sounds like you’re describing a significant amount of the population inside DC.

[@carefulcarpenter]

Boy--- do I have a story that would tear your heart out. ❤

[@alexshapiro7275]

I know a narcissist who is altruistic and giving and doesn't expect anything back. The narcissist is also admired by his employees. I like Dr. Carter but I don't think it's 100% black and white. Yes, The narcissist has deep insecurity no question, but they are admired by many. Can be good parents too. But yes a real self serving bastard too.