The Paradox of Masculinity

[@MG-dr5mf]

Men who feel secure in their masculinity are so gentle with women. Men who are insecure feel they need to be in the power position to reassure themselves. I didn’t understand that until this year.

[@eagle5818]

honestly i don't think this is generally true. Theres a lot of masculine men that are gentle with their woman, but i also think its the very opposite when you have an extremely masculine man.

[@Savage_Thinker]

yep that's why the feminist are upset. they are being lied to by academia cuz corporations. and they blame men. the paradox continues.

[@NoobMaster-kb9pp]

Ahh yes because being decent, kind with everyone isn't gonna cut it. Only if you're gentle with woman you're man secure in masculinity. Gentle with woman >> Being a decent human being.

[@kayann3]

some men think asserting dominance over women makes them manlier

[@alexlaroux777]

Absolutely agree

[@hasanahceguisadeen2707]

Esther!!!!Your presence in this world makes a huge difference! Thank you so much and please know that you are loved!

[@froschkenig]

Everytime masculinity is brought up, I can't help to sigh and think, "OK, what have we done this time and what do we have to do now to be propper men." Thank you Esther that this was different.

[@teralynl4285]

Sorry it's come to that for our men. I think we need to do everything we can to preserve & respect masculinity without fear of losing the respect we need as women in our femininity. The genders need to work on understanding our own true nature so that we stop resenting each other for not being what we were never meant to be.

[@anirudhkumar4507]

Take revenge! When Women shame masculinity, you start shaming Femininity. Sometimes revenge is necessary.

[@Joshr214]

Hey im a man and ik what giving birth feels like cuz im tarded and speak on things i have no clue about so all u BEES STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT CHILD BIRTH!

[@Joshr214]

@@teralynl4285 thats a truly feminist way to put it but yes i agree! Men and women need to UNDERSTAND each other weaknesses and strengths

[@shadowstep4909]

the fuck y'all talking about? a man is a man, a woman is a woman, period. fuck this modern day bullshit, if you're a man then be a man, stop caring so much and just bring it back to how simple everything was. people nowadays identifying as dogs or animals or whatever the fuck, hate me all you want but i know what i feel is right. man = man woman = woman done.

[@VictorPerez-md2tr]

If I had opportunity to seat down and talk with anyone in the world, it would be you, Esther. I admire your thoughtful perspective, analysis capacity and eloquent delivery. Plus, you're good looking too. I grew up in a matriarchate. Mother dominant, aggressive and often rude. Father complacent, passive, and often submissive. I learned about the macho culture until college through friends. To me, current masculinity is expressed somewhere among arrogance, lack of manners and respect for women. Modern masculinity, however, is expressed as a pragmatism, logical traits, respect (self and to anyone else), and courage to fail and admit it. The paradox, I believe, is when women interpret that as weakness and exclude them. Happens to me way too often.

[@carriehobbes2448]

Hi Victor, I am touched by your nuanced response. I wanted to reach out to you and say that. I’m a woman who has been hurt by both toxic masculinity and toxic femininity, and I see and have been at the receiving end of the pain caused by both. It is my endeavour to find a way to develop myself so I can be a match to healthy men grounded in their own masculinity, that compliments my femininity. I’m happy to say I now have two men like that in my life - and it is a joyous and life affirming thing to experience being held and contained (but not oppressed or controlled) by grounded loving men as I go through a period of deep challenges. I would not be here without them. I just wanted to say - not all women see what you have outlined as weakness. I see your viewpoint as refreshingly balanced (not saying you will not develop it further, IMO we are all evolving over the course of our lives). I think you may find that while there are women who see that as weakness,there will be others who are working on their own healing that will resonate with that. I agree with you -Esther has been a source of great wisdom and insight during the last two years for me as well. I too wish I could sit and speak with her! I wish you well Victor. Sending you a wave hello from India 🙏🏼🌈 I hope this gives you some

[@carriehobbes2448]

Whooops my reply got truncated at the end. The last sentence was - I hope this gives you some hope.

[@emk4937]

Are women interpreting it as weakness and excluding because of that or is that what you have concluded or possibly are projecting? Maybe there is another reason.. Otherwise if you are all these things, and they are excluding you because of that, then they're not for you.

[@freshliving4199]

Have you overcome the identity of your mother that she put in you when she imposed her will on you as a child?

[@radimamdez]

That's a bit mixed up, but still you can learn from your parents' example, also even if there's a fair amount of negativity in all that. I wonder, same as a person above me, how successful have you been at that? Your comment seems mature, and on the right track, but anyway - have you managed to sort out the relationship with your parents, especially mother?

[@AdrianMark]

You are quite possibly one of the brightest minds to have ever spoken about men, and women, and the relationships we form. Thank you for your thoughts on masculinity. This is the first time I have heard a woman speak so eloquently and authoritatively on a subject that I have no choice but to continually try to understand by virtue of my gender and desire to be a force in the world. Knowing that someone like you exists gives me hope and makes me glad to be.

[@AdrianMark]

Spam bot. For anyone who comes to this thread and sees this, be aware that the guy above is a scammer. Call at your own risk.

[@RodrigoLobosChile]

The masculinity paradigms have shifted and you have eloquently reflected on what is happening with what it means to "being a man" now. "Man up" and "be a man" are still ingrained, not only in men, but also in woman. Glad you are inviting us to reflect on this topic.

[@voltaicburst4279]

Good, a lot of men love masculinity. Aspiring to strength, courage, mastery, and honour with your male friends is a great and spiritual experience. Most men have inclinations towards these virtues, they just find it difficult to achieve, but it wouldn't be valuable if it was easy. It hasn't really shifted, just a bunch of weak males and feminists trying to brainwash men into being semi-subservient weaklings.

[@Sekbeth]

Thank you, Esther, for being a voice of reason in this crazy world. I have been learning, and continue to learn so much from you! ❤️

[@AliveBoldTV]

Esther, this is a conversation that really needs to be had and I’m so glad you’re acknowledging it. I have intimate conversations with the men in my life about these pressures in their life and it’s amazing what a simple acknowledgement can do. This to me feels like healing

[@arefmoin814]

Being challenged (non-lethally) is not a bad thing in nature, as long as the subject acts to prevail (dandelions v/s orchids). To me, masculinity is correlated to a sense of duty, loyalty, grit and honor, not only to whose shoulders I am standing on but also to my aspirations, dreams and concrete goals. If it is important to me, I will make it happen. It is something that I look forward to every single day and pray that I will never cease my actions to prevail.

[@voltaicburst4279]

Based on what you've said, i think you might enjoy an audiobook called 'The Way of Men' by Jack Donovan. He has a great understanding of masculinity in my opinion and it seems like you would like what he has to say.

[@arefmoin814]

@@voltaicburst4279 thanks for the suggestion.

[@maxjohnson1758]

Being challenged by other males in nature and failing is a very, very bad thing. It costs you status and the ability to mate, unless you're a pretty boy, then it just costs you status.

[@danielgalagarza2504]

I just met this amazing lady through instagram reels and i am watching all her youtube videos in a row. I am in love about her capacity of talking about extremely important topics that are often seen as taboos such as relationships, sex, desire, etc. We need you, Esther. Much love from Portugal

[@rubensilva8936]

From Portugal! :)

[@johnwhite9718]

Real men have confidence in their masculinity and aren't self serving, but rather are focused on being the leader God intended them to be as they are others focused and want to see only the best qualities of high character in those whom God has entrusted in their care.

[@cynthiabrown5468]

We need to hear this more and more. It's ok to be gentle and strong, with women and men. We can't change the innate code from thousands and thousands of years in a matter of just a few years. Women and men are rewriting hard wiring in us to be better. Esther gives us the courage to have these conversations.

[@FromtheHerts81]

The trouble with the modern age is that women are now encouraged to be strong and fearless, which was once the domain of men. Yet rarely if ever are men actively encouraged to be the same. A compromise needs to be reached somewhere or the long term consequences could be terrible.

[@selfhelpchampion9664]

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel”. Marshall B. Rosenberg.

[@DwayneKlassenTheCoachForMen]

I so appreciate your perspective and insights on the ever-evolving and often insendiary topic of masculinity, Esther. You tell it straight in this crazy woke world we find ourselves in. As a coach for men, I find your take on the subject refreshing and valuable. Thank you.

[@antonvoloshin9833]

So true. As being a man you constantly feel this pressure from society. And the worst part - you are alone, you are one on one with this, you have no one to share this concerns and this struggle, because it still, unofficially, socially unacceptable for men to complain or to share their feelings or fears.

[@russellpizel3750]

Yes you feel alone, but I think that is more about men not wanting to reveal any weaknesses to other men, or to women - in case that weakness be exploited (by other men) or rejected (by women)

[@antonvoloshin9833]

@@russellpizel3750 You may be willing to reveal it, but as an experience shows - people do not accept it.

[@voltaicburst4279]

Wrong. Men always had their tribe and i have my mates that help me through as i help them. When you have friends and you seek your potential with them, it not only becomes much easier but also becomes spiritually fulfilling. As a man you should assess other men by their actions, not words like "i'm here for you". My friends have proven they are there for me so i don't need to hear it in words.

[@ycz1931]

My friends and I just agreed that "masculine" and "macho" are often blurred

[@reenaree1953]

Exactly. All those men who have sexually assaulted women are blinded by the idea to "get as many partners as possible" aka be a matcho. They have created too much pain and now hate towards men only grows. Also male hormone testosterone makes men more violent. Biology is doing a reset and adjustifying men so they don't want to harm others. And respect women.

[@ycz1931]

@𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁𝘀𝗔𝗽𝗽 𝗵𝗶h +𝟮𝟯𝟰𝟴𝟬𝟯𝟵𝟴𝟲𝟳𝟯𝟵𝟵 thank you,but no, still thank you tho

[@aoifel895]

I'd like to thank you Esther. Your videos on relationships helped me get through a really tough breakup when I felt like my whole world was crashing down. I had lost a sense of control and stability in my life, but studying your insights on relationships helped me to take back control and understand what I need from my next relationship, which comforts me greatly.

[@Mokkel73]

Thank you for keeping this conversation empathetic and not falling for the usual ridiculing.

[@TheGeorgeD13]

What usual ridiculing? That doesn’t happen lol. Certainly can’t say I’ve ever experienced that or ever saw that.

[@MatthewC137]

In general, masculinity IS a given (nature not nurture). That much is obvious. Furthermore, it is a masculine trait to compete with other men and call them out or question them in an effort to diminish the competition.

[@beautyintheeats]

Brilliant as always. I love that you always seek to understand instead of accusing and blaming. You are a treasure.

[@jessicaobrien9646]

I just love the way this woman helps us all. Thank you Esther.

[@louisstopforth5886]

You are Fantastic Esther, i have yet to listen to any body that comes close to your abiltity in discussing these topics. You give so much food for thought, thank you for sharing.

[@refreshyourpage._.0]

I seriously agree with this point of view, I think society needs to protect masculinity, because masculinity cannot be ignored, and an important element that determines the necessary conditions for a balanced social structure. My male friends are really worried about talking about masculinity because they are afraid of being judged as not masculine enough, but all they need is a simple understanding, they regain their confidence and they won't do things that hurt society The thing, when men really embrace and feel confident in their masculinity, the balance of society is back. This is something women can't do, and it's something women can help men do.

[@tarunduseja6315]

Hello Esther, your knowledge and perspective given to us is a blessing. I’ve been following you for a while and I’m grateful every single day for your presence in this world. This topic hits home. Thank you! Lots of love to you from india.

[@Joshr214]

God its losers like u perpetuating this tarded logic, IM A MAN AND IK WHAT GIVING BIRTH FEELS LIKE AND ITS NOT THAT BAD... IDK Y ALL U B'S COMPLAIN ABOUT IT... IF U WANNA LEARN ABOUT "MASCULINITY" TALK TO A MAN LOSER

[@jontnoneya3404]

OMG Esther - please keep talking about this more. We need more people discussing this very topic because most dismiss it and/or minimize it. "What makes a man a man?" is a question that most don't ask, many men fear, NOBODY talks about and is unfortunately the cause of so many fights and bad behaviors because men think "If I was a man I'd stick up for myself, my wife or gf or whatever" and the men never look at the deeper issues going on. Women also never think about this and/or have ridiculously silly notions about what makes a man. It starts from very young also. My ex-nephew-in-law (Husband of my niece) had this to say about his 2 yr old baby boy after I said "He's a great kid" he said "Yeah well he's got a little p*ssy in him still. That comes from his mother but don't worry, I'll make sure to man him up soon enough." and immediately my heart went out to my great-nephew because I knew he was in for a difficult upbringing. That was about 5 years ago and he's a very sweet boy and his dad and mom have now divorced. It's a struggle for real and all boys go through some version of this.....some are WAY worse than I describe.

[@stephaniefortney22]

Esther… Your Knowledge, and Insights are incredibly priceless to say the least! The way you convey and articulate is a Gift to all. This- that you just shared above, is Valuable to understand is key, this is interesting and allows women to hold more compassion for what men go through too, their pressures burdens and thoughts, in which you just expressed….they’re human beings too that have different struggles then women. We are never done learning, as long as we are here, it’s a journey, people like you make it more helpful 😊 Esther your time you give to us freely and wisdom is appreciated, absolutely Grateful-thank you🌷🌷🌷

[@braddahnui7805]

There’s no such thing as toxic masculinity. A man who is masculine isn’t toxic. It’s a men with no virtues that are.

[@wendyo.8079]

Wow! as a society there is so much to learn!. I love that you go outside the box, to give common words a new perspective, and make all of us go like: It's so true! THANK YOU for sharing your knowledge Esther.

[@mikewatson2916]

Mmm I love this, and have been working with this discovery for quite sometime in my own journey. What eventually came to me is this: Certainty is a masculine quality. When I think of Certainty its interchangeable with confidence that know that comes from mastering a skill through repetition. When Certainty goes beyond the mastery of a skill to the deep knowingness of self, then a true authentic Certainty of self is born. The deeper, more open and honest, courageous and vulnerable I get to know myself the more certain I become of myself. Out of which is born true self worth, freedom of self, presence, self trust, self belief Certainty. The courage to be vulnerable a midst the storm. It is this strength that keeps me grounded standing strong and in my power, my heart my strength my grace my love. So then all adventure, challenge is the journey to the mastery of self, to the growth of my own masculinity. It's not a given, for our univers is a place of growth, rather than a place of absolutes. I'd love to take this conversation further!

[@gerrygrimes8689]

I don’t disagree with Esther, I like her insight and her caring. But one thing that obscures the male psyche is the fact that we don’t vocalise as much as women do, therefore the evidential trail is narrow. But it’s there, I get great joy out of mens insights, partly because they hold their truths so dearly.

[@karinsolli9581]

As a female surgeon that has been single for a long time the volatility of the male identity and fragility of the masculine, is something I dread. It’s really hard to find a man that has a solid and kind view of himself, that doesn’t get scared away by my salary or profession. I try to be vulnerable, but so many men feel they must be the breadwinner in the family to not hate themselves and take it out on both of us:(

[@emilysha418]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm the primary breadwinner and that's true of quite a few of my female colleagues. I hope you're able to join us in finding someone who loves you for you and isn't intimidated by your job!

[@MsCristina38]

Date the directors or fellow surgeons or get a matchmaker.

[@incassable]

Be honest with yourself. Isn't the issue more that you dont really get turned on by men that earn less money or social recognition than you ? I see so many female doctors on dating app, struggling like you. You are on top of the "food chain", you need to accept to date "down" as they say.

[@agirl2094]

Find a man “above” you who isn’t insecure. A man earning less will soon resent you and seek validation from poorer women

[@noxteryn]

Please don't make men's issues about yourself. Men are constantly battling with unattainable masculine ideals dictated to them by decades of societal indoctrination, and your complaint to this is that you can't find a date? I sympathise with your frustration, but this is very inappropriate. Imagine if, in a discussion about how societal norms on female standards of beauty promote body image issues in young women, some guy said: "Yeah, all women I meet want to be skinny, and it's hard for me, because I actually prefer women with big asses."

[@Lichfeldian--Suttonian]

Absolutely right, Esther. Being a "man" doesn't always express authenticity even masculine authenticity. "Systemic" is the word here and I have felt that I am in cultural imprisonment for most of my life.

[@Keln02]

Male identity is driven by the system, but at it's core, by the underlying truth that women are the future. Because women are much more important than men at ensuring that any man can be when it comes to ensuring the survival of the species, men have historically went above and beyond to protect them (natural attributes helping to do so). Now that we live in a society where this patriarcal protectiveness is an obsolete principle, men struggle as the models are none existant in modern days while historical models of masculinity are everywhere in our cultures. This is a transition phase as our society shifts aways from brute violence (hopefully).

[@bigcatenergy3707]

YES. This is the nuance we need!!

[@ilya.petersen]

Men's identities are formed, for a large part, in the competition in the various hierarchies they are a part of. In that sense their masculinity is never "complete", until perhaps they reach the top of the hierarchy they are competing in. And because the top positions are few, the struggle is constant for most men.

[@beatduck]

Especially when it comes to bisexuality or just cis-het masculinity. If only men could feel more comfortable celebrating the beauty of other men in the same way that women are allowed to say “girl, you are so hot”

[@m2pozad]

Never happen. Both genders are raised on tits. We all like 'em.

[@apollofateh324]

You are part of the problem. Celebrating beauty/attractiveness does not mean you are attracted to someone or expect something*, it just means that you acknowledge the good traits that other people have. In terms of why you would want to do it, perhaps because men in general get far fewer compliments then women do, and it would help with confidence, as well as to help men feel appreciated when they do look good/are doing good things/have good character traits. Compliments do not need to have any romantic or sexual purpose, they are just an appreciative observation you gift to another person. They are for the good of the other, not you. *If you think compliments are for people you're attracted to only, you are literally the reason some women shirk compliments or avoid dressing in ways that might get attention or avoid men in certain situations in general: because you assume they want attention, or that they owe you something for the compliment they didn't even ask for. Compliments should not be used in a way where you expect something from someone, even a phone number. Compliments are purely for the other person, not a tool for your personal gain. It's a good mindset to have anyway to look for things you like in the people and world around you. It is nice to live in a mindscape where I can appreciate the colors someone is wearing, or their cheekbones, or their hair, or their laugh. Life is stripped of magic when you don't notice the small things, and personally, I like making other people feel good: they glow, and that makes the world all the more beautiful.

[@voltaicburst4279]

They do, If you go to a gym and work out with your friends as a guy, you are likely to get complimented on your gains, or if it's a boxing gym, you'll be complimented on your skills. So it's even better than female compliments actually, because you earn it, they don't just say it, guys don't care about looking fuckable in the eyes of another guy, they like looking "cool" or "dangerous".

[@Filosofuerza]

When Men have to be relentless in pursuit of the ever moving goalposts of “good man”, and typically women and what you can do for your kids decide how much of a man you are… there seems to be something off. The hottest fire to burn a bridge it takes a man’s ability to do well in life for himself and his family.When I have to take my own kids to work, so that my wife can go to her job, and make less than 1/3 of the money I make, and If I don’t do it, I am perceived as a “lesser of a man”.

[@guymurray5345]

The rituals we should all experience as human beings is how to leave the left hemisphere of the brain more often and learn to sit comfortably in the right hemisphere; men's rituals in life should be about learning to surrender to the infinite potential of the brain right hemisphere; we don't get taught how to surrender as heterosexual males, there is little to make us forget ourselves (the false self - a conditioned identity that resides in the left hemisphere) and become one with others. Ultimately, it isnt a gender thing, it's that we have created a society in the reflection of the left hemisphere - Ian McGilchrist talks about this as creating a hall of mirrors - a system where if we seek the answers outside of ourselves we are reflected back a system with limited knowledge. The great transition in society will happen when we drop the idea of "masculine vs/and/or/feminine" (outwardly reflected now by the non-binary movement), and understand the differences of attention within the brain - from there we can start to drop into the mind-body connection and start making sense of things for ourselves - we step outside of the system and are then able to use it for our own advantage, it can only be used in service to others or the left is at play again. I don't know why I am writing this...but it seems to make some sort of intuitive sense as I do.... thanks Esther P....right, where is Alan Watts...

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

When I read your first sentence, I just knew that you were familiar with Dr Iain McGilchrist.

[@AliveBoldTV]

Thank you for this comment- it’s a human thing ❤️

[@evanhadkins5532]

I think it is more various, things are changing in different ways in different places at different rates. I think mostly, with work, we can set aside the anxieties that promote lack of listening and subsequent conflict. There is a good deal of common ground in people wanting to be heard, being able to love and listen.

[@msjones7518]

Wow - I’ve been guilty of those very thoughts. Glad to hear I can choose to change my thoughts. Thank you for a different perspective.

[@BenjaminPitkin]

Speaking from my own perspective, I think there are some errors of thinking here. You are correct to assert many cultures view manhood as 'right of passage', however, that doesn't make it illusive, mysterious, fragile, or susceptible to loss. Most 'rites of passage' are a guided process - administered from man to boy, from father to son. It conveys something seemingly intangible and spiritual - and yet, something known to oneself when one has it. You see, women are essentially different in one key respect. They have social utility by virtue of a bodily function - men do not. Women's fragility is known and appreciated - they exist within a circle of protection. The principal function of manhood is to provide that protection... Therefore, the social utility of manhood is an ACTIVE VIRTUE. It is ascribed based on WHAT YOU CAN DO - and that is why cultures view manhood as a 'rite of passage'. It is something attained through deeds of courage, skill, or effort. A demonstration of utility. However, where your analysis falls short is in viewing this as something fragile, or susceptible to loss. Manhood, when demonstrated, is an inherent attribute of the man. He knows when he has it. It's not something subject to approval of others... The reason why the masculinity of men today would seem frail or fluid, is because THEY NEVER HAD IT TO BEGIN WITH. They never had it because THIS SOCIETY doesn't teach it. Doesn't value it. Doesn't condone it. Masculinity is an ACTIVE VIRTUE. Something passed from Man to Boy. From Father to Son. It's something learned by demonstration, and therefore, it takes a Man to teach it. Boys today don't learn manhood, because there aren't Men in their lives to teach them.

[@BenjaminPitkin]

@Jojo Moa Women give birth.

[@dharmadasa66]

@Jojo Moa Women's main social utility is attained simply by attainment of sexual maturity. Men have to achieve a higher degree of performance beyond that before they are valuable to society.

[@voltaicburst4279]

It's not that society doesn't teach it, it actively tries to supress it, calling masculinity toxic. And men do have natural inclinations to virtues, such as strength, courage, mastery, and honour. Most young men naturally gravitate to these virtues, older men just give them the framework to make sense of it all.

[@aie_aie_]

Je suis d’accord avec cette approche (qui est liée à la façon de voir de Alice Miller, non?), et toute mon expérience me confirme que c’est exact. Je trouve que la même analyse vaut pour la (soi disant) féminité, et que se libérer de toutes ces injonctions et simplement vivre/exprimer sa féminité à soi est une véritable renaissance, qui rend plus pacifique envers soi, donc envers les autres aussi. Épanouissons ce monde. Pacifions ce monde. ✌🏼

[@posh5763]

Wonderful topic. I would like to hear more content on this and the gender codes in modern times

[@frahohen]

Masculinity is creation. Femininity is preservation. Together they create the present, future and past. Detachment is the key to establish and sustain both.

[@Ark_bleu]

“Vulnerability as intrinsically part of the making of male identity”-I’ve never seen this idea expressed, at least not this clearly. The first rule of masculinity is that you do not talk about masculinity. A lot of men’s discussions don’t question the pressures of male culture; it’s more often about what went wrong with everything else. But I do think fragility is at the core of it, personally, philosophically, and maybe even at some natural level (in animal kingdom, Human fatherhood for instance is closer to being an anomaly than a rule)

[@mgu1N1n1]

Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!

[@equalityforall5620]

No one should take abuse, ever. Protect yourself if you need to. Good for you.

[@newleft2254]

The thing is, no woman would disagree with you. Tell a woman that your female partner is abusing you and she will empathize and listen. In my experience, it's other men who are desperate to turn it into a big joke and poke fun at men for wanting to protect themselves against women. Have you ever told your male friends that you were sexually abused by a woman? They will mock you into the ground. Men keep patriarchy alive. They like the idea of being detached and unemotional.

[@senembalabanflamenco4533]

Liz I love you! And Jamey and Justin, thanks for your willingness to do the work, valueing and respecting women, acknowledging the toxicity of patriarchy and sharing your journey with others

[@cassiofficial]

Masculinity is not self evident in anyone. That's why one has to work to show it. Any one can stand still and wait to be rescued, but you have to move to rescue someone. Many women lose interest in their husbands when they lose their productivity (their income). Many men see that they are only valuable to society, and family, if they can provide, protect, be independent. And no masculine inclined men has ever complained about this burden, only of the lack of recognition or the obligation to provide to someone they don't want (like ex wives).

[@themysticalwanderer36]

How we define ourselves reflects how aware we are of our soul

[@jaxonellis2995]

Commerce creates artificial ideas of what men should or should not be and sells the means to achieving those ideas that really have little to do with developing into a mature functioning man. Sports and Hollywood imagery are often presented as that which men should strive. Men are pressured by the sell the same as women to achieve the defining aesthetic that is commerce contrived.

[@barbarapaz3722]

Agreed but don’t forget that at the same time they’re being told (especially lately) how any show of masculinity is toxic and bad and root of all evil. We are confusing them and will end up having generations of week men that all those women who now complain about are desperately going to miss.

[@AngryManSki]

Thank you for the acknowledgment and understanding. It says so much about the possibilities that exist for us all.

[@1965simonfellows]

Arnold had the measure, "Gurlyman". The species IS a fragile identity in this context. The h-g cultures living more traditionally than not ive been around dont have these problems whatsoever. The human ape living far from the now changed environment of evolutionary adaptedness does. Little wonder we're so profoundly ill.

[@sebsoud]

So many thanks! On my side I'm wondering about this identity since more than 30 years... (in particular a book from french E. Badinter was very interesting about it). What I witness is that now, even in circles where there's focus on healing, growing, there is still some pressure for man role -from men, but can also be expectations from women: men need to heal for the collective healing and healing between men and women, but men have to stay almost all of time strong, protective and so on... Where's the place/space for vulnerability and taking time for healing? Even for women who worked on healing, I still faced judgments/expectations that I was too "feminine" with my sensitivity. An ideal has been replaced by another ideal. Ok, it's much better without domination, but the transition cannot be done if men are already expected to have mature to this "ideal", and anyway it's just some direction in which we want to heal...

[@walterschnell]

The place/space for vulnerability and healing is in men‘s circles.

[@Zickcermacity]

What a fascinating subject, relational intelligence, Perel professes! I do have to ask, only because it is so visible, what is the imprint on Ms. Esther's right arm?

[@cesartalves]

The fragility is the norm, not the exception

[@oeckstei]

Tip of the iceberg but thank you Esther. I recommend everyone watch the KZbin video Suzanne venker on the crisis of masculinity to find out what the issues men are faced with and why it will doom the future of the western world if we don’t have strong, healthy and emotionally intelligent men.

[@shay-doran]

A brilliant video, and I find in the conversations I have with men, it's often own internal pressure. Generally that comes from a feeling of not being accepted / being different at a young age.

[@Manooshen]

🙏 for bringing up this conversation. Time is ripe to be done with demanding “masculinity” or “femininity” and simply ask people for accountability.

[@MimMdance]

I feel the idea of ideal masculinity for many women in today's society is nothing more than looks plus how successful you are in life (wealth, goals) and if one can go without the other it will usually be the second. At some point all this competitiveness has gotten out of control and out of touch with the human reality. I am a decent respectful guy with a lot to offer on a personal level, but I am currently sick and broke so not expecting any woman to come too close sadly.

[@russellpizel3750]

This is the way it has always been - "give me your good genes and ensure my and my babies future" Nothing new.

[@MimMdance]

@@russellpizel3750 I feel it is even worse now. With social media, competitiveness, feminism, and more options in dating apps.

[@estherpischel7680]

From one Esther P to another, thank you for helping us understand our fellow humans!!!

[@Rnankn]

Didn’t Freud say something about this in his book about civilization? That successful participation in business and the public sphere require a kind of emasculation. Particularly the working class had to be disciplined, obedient, diplomatic, and could not gain status from demonstrations of power and strength. Plus wages were often at subsistence levels. On top of that, home life since the 19th Century has not been about giving orders, but learning to temper their emotion and desire. To be civilized men are unable to resolve conflict with violence, have sex with whomever and whenever they wanted, and portray brute strength for respect. And then he said this repression was unhealthy, and would explode outward in collective orgies of violence and lust. This is what he attributed as a cause o the first world war. I’ve paraphrased, so I might have got it wrong, but this general idea makes sense to me. If men have to be civilized most of the time, then cultivating a masculinity is a skill, and one in which demand outstrips supply.

[@bajkerjohnvolta]

well yes. As a men i will say that, we have no more guidance when transitioning. We feel lost, generations were based on pure illusion. We are lacking skills and even if we have them we are underpaid (most of us). And even if you stand up as a men, you are risking job / relationship /frendship. Plus on other hand, we are numb from emotional overflow but we "shouldnt" express them, cause then we are weak. It is crisis of masculinity and femininity and i really hope that we will learn from it as society.

[@voltaicburst4279]

You're supposed to handle your emotions to complete your goal, and THEN you can cry, but controlling tears is a test in self control too, so you can find benefit from this if you think about it right. if you just think "i'm just going to bottle it up" you're not thinking about it right. The words you say in your head makes all the difference. It's much more harmful to supress your masculinity because some scrawny dickhead said it's toxic, don't buy into that shit.

[@charlottenoor5031]

I think the fact that western societies have become safer and more confortable (in general) have made men naturally less masculine over time because the need to protect is less than it used to be. Culture & media also could have played a role. This could explain the less natural inclation towards masculinity, because the need is also less. It used to be more natural, now it's taught through education, reminding men that their is always potential threat and they should be ready.

[@dev398]

Oh you ate this one up Esther, YES MAAM! You were preaching to the choir

[@ShaunyP26]

God bless you for saying this.

[@ramonadunham8976]

I love everything about Esther 😊!

[@tonihudspath2856]

This was interesting, thank you! Also, your bracelet is amazeballs 🧡

[@thetransformatorium7980]

Masculinity is Deliberately fragile because it is a social control mechanism for men. You have to do what society tells you to do in order to be considered masculine, and that title is ruthlessly stripped away the second you violate even one of society's demands.

[@user-ew8im9jz8i]

Once again, with a very refreshing and important perspective ❤️

[@SoulAbundanceIQ]

Phenomenal, thank you for sharing this.

[@nessav7258]

Hello Esther. Can you do a video on creating friendships? I checked your videos and can't find any. Many thanks.

[@NagoyaHouseHead]

Women get to just "be" but men have to "become". I man has to achieve competence, bravery, competitiveness, success, status, honor, and respect. Women just get to turn up with their bodies. It's much harder to be a man in society today.

[@agirl2094]

Loool “Women just get to turn up with their bodies”. Where do u get this stuff from?

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

@@agirl2094 He gets it from the redpill manosphere channels

[@NagoyaHouseHead]

@@agirl2094 I get this stuff from stone cold reality. Women don't need any skills achievement or status to be viable on the sexual market. They just need to turn up and they will get mega attention. Don't fight reality, you`really always gonna lose.

[@cinderling5472]

A breath of fresh air ❤ Thank You!

[@infantepedro1]

Masculinity is self control and respect to women and the innate ability to raise from failure and ruin period.

[@emadhero909]

Please reply .. Is there a problem for the girl who grew up without a father with her single mother .. What do you think about the answers of Rolo Tomasi on this subject

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

Rollo is a grifter. Just a guy with a microphone who consistently contradicts himself

[@anitazetsche820]

Absolutely, thank you for bringing this forward.

[@coolguyontheinternet]

Great video! Thanks for talking about men's mental health.

[@CaroletheExplorer]

This subject fascinates me too. I live in #Bali and many men here are working on redefining themselves. A lot of them are embracing heir feminine energy but that is resulting in women longing for them to re-become more manly because it conflicts with their expectations of finding men who behave as men (with stamina and authority). It is such an interesting paradoxical change to witness. We also have many Men Circles that are helping men to open up, and that really should be something far more widespread outside of Bali or Tulum (two honeypots of self-development). The hurt and pain that men are experiencing, and which goes unspoken of, only contributes to divide and polarise us. Three months ago, I did a FabX Talk in front of 100 strangers, sharing the story of my brother and I being sexually assaulted by the same man. It was a very healing process for me in relation to men and our mutual insecurities. It is called "My Assault, My Courage, My Intuition". It is avaliable on KZbin. I am also writing a children's book for adults to become more compassionate parents and lovers. I highly recommend to all my men - and women - friends "The Way of the Superior Man". It is a great read to discuss and debate, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with its message. @estherperelofficial I am so happy to hear that you are tackling this and bringing it to the wider public 👏.

[@qyihamba7034]

When a woman tells you about men

[@catmoshpit1216]

I'm beyond ready for people to just be people. To let go of the patriarchy, sexism, systems that hurt all of us.

[@voltaicburst4279]

Doesn't hurt me. My mates and i love masculinity, and plenty of women love masculine men.

[@artofverity8791]

Ester, try a mic, I can hardly hear you on maximum volume. Eg. "Boya Lav microphone" so easy to use and €17.

[@glynnispitcher9423]

(EYE JUST HERE TO MAKE EU THINK!) 1. A MAN NOT ONLY TENDS TO RELINQUISH HIS MASCULINE TRAITS WEN HE IS NOT FEELING CONFIDENT. HE OLLSO TENDS TO SLIP INTO THE SHADOW EXPRESSION OF HIS MASCULINE TRAITS WEN HE IS NOT CONFIDENT. FACTS OVA FEELINGS!

[@robtektek]

I love this woman so much!

[@davidduff9871]

You don’t need to recognize it. I know it, have it, and that’s all that matters.

[@jasonmckenzie3354]

Wisdom in the body of a woman... Esther Perel

[@judyoldaker6934]

I would like to hear your comments on post infidelity stress syndrome

[@trishf2184]

If the father was raised in a secure home with 2 mentally stable parents we should have a healthy boy become a man. Ego and greed and "all about me parents ", raise boys to become like them, and healthy masculinity becomes elusive.

[@r.walker7986]

Men, in order to compete with one another (for women) have made masculinity into a sport where one can win and lose. Just like with all other things created by men, it was not thought out all the way, and by making masculinity something that can be earned & achieved, it made it something that can be easily lost and always in danger of being lost. So its more fragile than woman hood that is a birthright and only questioned when catastrophic physical things occur like loosing a breast to cancer or a uterus or ovaries, finding out a woman can breast-feed or carry a child, other than that girls just become women and don't have to stress over it like men do because there is no real competition..

[@ozrenerceg2262]

Esther is my friend 😁

[@milenakisel2855]

Esther your wonderful !!! You give such great perspectives into everything!!! I adore you!!!!

[@Nah-ah]

This was interesting! Thanks for sharing, Esther!

[@pascalsolal]

I'm 63 years old, and I never had to prove myself to be a man. I never had any problems with my masculinity. Am I the only one in this case?

[@voltaicburst4279]

i've had to prove myself but i don't see that as a problem because my life is SIGNIFICANTLY better because of it. If every man had a checklist of what traits they want when they're born, they would pick strong, courageous, masterful in various skills, intelligent, etc. which is all traits that men are encouraged to fulfil, people only whine about it because it's hard to do.

[@voltaicburst4279]

i've had to prove myself but i don't see that as a problem because my life is SIGNIFICANTLY better because of it. If every man had a checklist of what traits they want when they're born, they would pick strong, courageous, masterful in various skills, intelligent, etc. which is all traits that men are encouraged to fulfil, people only whine about it because it's hard to do.

[@survivorbronzelee4169]

I wish someday I could meet you. You inspire many people including me.

[@bettyhappschatt3467]

I am wondering whether women discussing the fragile masculine identity is fair enough but it is very difficult to solve it for the male. That would be a feminine take on masculine identity. Even if it is becoming nearly obsolete, I would like to take a look at the psychoanalytic theory and especially described by Lacan. It has a lot to do with love. (And please, do not get worked up because of gender issues. I am not claiming that the masculine influence is restricted to Y chromosome and male genitalia. I have XX, I myself am very fluffy, compassionate and sweet in one-to-one relationships but as a boss I have had feedback for having "bigger balls" then the guys in charge. That would not be possible without the influence of the line of fathers who have contributed in my appearence on the Earth.) Lacan “contends that the father intrudes into the child/mother dyad in a symbolic capacity, as the representative of the wider cultural network and the social taboo on incest. Not only is the child severed from the imaginary fullness of the maternal body, it is now inserted into a structured world of symbolic meaning-a world that shapes all interactions between the self and others” (Elliott 2015, 106). What has this have to do with masculinity? For me the masculine is the mature mind, separate from normative and pathological symbioses. The masculine has seen there is no future in staying under anybody''s wing - everyone has to take chances and be vulnerable once in a while to develop. Tha masculine can realize the passage of time and see the mother and baby inside a village, instead of the private world of 2. The masculine is the one who can look at the mother-baby dyad and see the potential of both individuals. Most often in family life the job is for the father but a granny can often have some masculine view, too. The struggles and solutions of a society are so different now than what they used to be. It is no longer necessary for every house to have strong masculine protectors and providers. Only thing that needs the masculine is the certain love for the feminine (nurturing but potentially erotic) and a certain love for the baby(helpless but potentially self sustaining). One has to have the experience of mourning one's own limits. One just can not have it all in life. One has to be confident enough to work for achivements to make up for what has been lost. Too many people artificially prolong their childhood and youth, unable to choose the path they are going to take. There is so much fear of missing out the instant gratification one might get on an other path. By feeling the grief and letting it grow smaller one achieves masculinity.

[@Angell_Lee]

You are such an Iconic beautiful person, thank you xo

[@TheOriginalNiceGuy]

Esther, Please look at Dr. Warren Farrell's work on this. “The Myth of Male Power”.

[@MsAuthenticite]

Esther you are a gem! I hope to see you engage one day with your colleague Dr Jordan B Peterson.

[@jarrodflowers5966]

Thank you Esther!