The Paradox of Security vs. Freedom

[@raquelstewart6780]

Wow Esther Perel has a new video. I’m ready to be graced with the wisdom of living this Human life.

[@r4ultra]

My thoughts similarly!!

[@dnaann1867]

Listen to it's sultry song of perel

[@ST-cy6we]

My estranged wife is the "I" and I am the "we". This video is excellent. It tells the story of the last 14 years of my life. Thank you for posting this.

[@rhapsodicchimera9768]

She hits the nail on the head everytime! I'm more of the In need of connection and my partner is In need freedom. But it's odd in this relationship because usually it's the reverse for me;. I'm usually young, wild and free in relationships, but this is the first time I've feared losing someone more than I've been afraid to lose myself. I plan to try and embody her advice and try to be the opposite and see how it turns out. 😊

[@natyboox3]

You might be stuck in an anxious avoidant dynamic

[@highticketclosers]

So true

[@rachelkapicak6215]

Less than five minutes long and your content is still SO helpful and meaningful. Thank you!

[@AzUniverzumUraesParancsoloja]

How astonishingly beautiful this lady was when she was just 20! ❤

[@charlesdp]

Your knowledge is vast and your charm is immeasurable. Thank you.

[@Intercultural-i8c]

I completely agree. If someone is inhabiting one role, the other cant anymore

[@lindas.martin2806]

I tuned in for the subject and was fascinated with the plant behind you. The leaves seem to be reaching out , much like some people (like myself) seek adventure and discovery...often over security (even if it makes us nervous at times). And yet, your beautiful plant could not reach out without the stable terra firma that nurtures the plant. What would be helpful to me, and maybe others is how to find peace while seeking a balance, instead of the fear of having a stable yet dull and boring life or an adventuresome life that an health emergency or other disaster could endanger. How to move better move through this dance of opposing life directions and harmonize both, is a lifelong journey it seems. I am 72 and still working on it!

[@dnaann1867]

U will find that masturbating seperately can take away the massive toll that sex takes on ur crispy bones

[@clarabinder7536]

I was enjoying a good wholesome meal while listening to this and it made me realize, that these words were the food my soul needed! I feel so understood ✨🙏😌

[@b.t.734]

Thank you Esther for bringing elements of your own biography. It helps a lot.

[@linaurazmetova4786]

Bravo! The thought that the need of needing independence also comes from childhood is for some reason a revelation. I always saw how the need for closeness takes root in childhood, but completely was blind to the other end of the spectrum. Thank you!

[@cinderling5472]

Sweet Esther, every time i listen to you, i am mesmerized by your crystal clear insight, understanding and wording! Thank you immensely for sharing your treasure troves of wisdom here 💖🙏

[@whatsthisnow]

I've never thought of it like this before. It's eye opening to say the least. This puts a whole new spin on the introvert / extrovert discussion. I always lean towards safety and deep connection in relationships and just assumed I was an introvert...

[@sassywitslive]

Wow! This explains so much of the miscommunication we face in relationships.

[@jillyoung1282]

Wow! Miss Esther, you pack a punch! I had a moment yesterday when I could have stepped outside my comfort zone, and didn’t! My husband would have love it! If it happens today I will have the courage to jump all over it! Thank you so much for all your informative videos.

[@Tina12121]

Belonging... I do love that word ❤

[@jm0718m]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years now and we're both avoidants. We both value our individual time/interests while at the same time committed to each other. It's a "good enough " kind of marriage.

[@yasminwalker4966]

Thank you for sharing.

[@mariancounsellor]

I’m not sure that accurately describes an avoidant personality or attachment style as it just sounds like a healthy marriage where both people have separate interests. Avoidants wouldn’t commit to a marriage due to fear of what that would mean or if they did, they would avoid spending most of their time together.

[@simoaneholmes4917]

Sounds like love❤❤❤❤

[@dnaann1867]

Doesnt sound good.Go to ur seperate bathrooms & masturbate

[@petereames3041]

That sounds horrible to me but I am anxious 🤣

[@moragmcgill]

I just love her wisdom and clarity..she gives voice in less than 5 mins to polarity management in such a straightforward insightful way.

[@Passion84GodAlways]

This could NOT have come at a better time! THANK YOU ESTHER!

[@lindylee1139]

Such a brilliant woman.

[@charlesmachariah]

These is profound, I have been on quest for freedom all my life.

[@alicevillados9031]

You are the Best Ester Perel.!!! ..hi en hello from Philippines

[@kryptonionknight]

Thank you Dr Perel

[@simpsond7862]

Very very good, this should be played to every couple. Nicely delivered from a nice person.

[@vipahman]

OMG. I so want to have a couple's counselling session with her but she is not taking clients. Esther, we need you.

[@patrice7p]

Wonderful! Your cristal clear analysis impressed me very much and I would like to hear more and to read you books. Thank you for posting this. Lots of love from Germany

[@stephaniefortney22]

Thank you Esther for Articulating and conveying this in such away, you can see how both sides effect each other’s past…great clarity and insight… wonderful wisdom… I really appreciate all that you share, very Grateful… Wishing you a wonderful rest of the week🌷

[@mackenziecush6044]

this wasn't an accident. I needed to see this rn. 555

[@Andromeda2976]

Absolutely true, Thankyou for sharing.

[@Juliss4jul]

Attachment styles are everything

[@elmarwolters2751]

Nicely put . Very clear . And a good reminder . Thanks

[@bodyandsoulinconstanttrans9190]

thank you so much for all the free information you're sharing ! 🙏🏾❤

[@buffywhatever1093]

Knocking it outta the park…..AGAIN!

[@s.s.0]

Is there anyway to be a combination of both? To want freedom and space but also want a deep connection, protection and intimacy?

[@1LaOriental]

What Esther has always said is that humans are a combination of both of those things. Freedom vs. security.

[@karenpattison6680]

Yes it’s called the ambiguous attachment style. Or the newer term is vacillating attachment style

[@dnaann1867]

Try peeing on each other

[@m.t.8185]

Thank you so much for clarity. I love you

[@telford010]

This is such a great video and message. There is so much ideas and wisdom packed into such a concise video.

[@ruthsikorski5495]

Absolutely brilliant.

[@iainmackenzieUK]

that is a lot of information in a short time :) Very informative, challenging and exciting but, for me, I expect it might take years to unpack this one.

[@fitmitgrit1]

Well explained. Thank you. I do learn each time listening your lessons.

[@sayusayme7729]

Great info, so important to learn what dynamic is healthy for both partners or not.

[@HeatherMarie8888]

I do both. But mostly the we. It comes off like an insecurity, and I really appreciate the angle that neither approach is wrong.

[@highticketclosers]

We can learn how to build extraordinary relationships by developing ourselves.

[@geor1756]

I broke up with my girlfriend 3 moths ago and still miss her a lot. We were caught in this rut. She wanted space and freedom and I wanted intimacy and connection. I tried to open up to her needs, but reached a point where I could not take it anymore. The sensation of exclusion and abandonment was to much, to painful to bear. So I would cycle every 4 to 6 months into a break up. Until finally she could not take any more. She also tried to change, although it was not enough, or so I perceived that way. So the relationship became a source of stress and uncomfortable situations and tension. I would like to find a way to be more willing to give space and freedom, and to be not so much in need of intimacy and closeness

[@themspinkpanties]

Try Rapid Transformational Therapy. RTT

[@dnaann1867]

Masturbate more often,and try watching the entire 4:38 minutes of the video before nutting

[@cb66db03]

I have had this same experience, almost exactly, with my breakup two months ago. Except, it was her who initiated the breakup every 4-6 months over the span of the 20 month relationship.

[@mirandaandrea8215]

You don’t have to forgoe a need for closeness and connection, but find a partner who needs that to with you!

[@cathyleigh]

You are beyond brilliant

[@barblc3202]

Beautifully said, Esther - thanks.

[@GooglePlusPages]

Right on target, as usual. BTW, her skin is looking FABULOUS!

[@troygallaty4361]

Aesops fables the wolf and the dog .. the older I get the more important these kids tales resonate

[@G_ATA_7]

Some people have both - disorganised attachment - and that’s when it gets really complicated 🥴

[@ralu_creiv8393]

True that!

[@netaZzz]

What a huge plant! And beautiful

[@pnav25]

Dance/movement therapy is perfect for this process :)

[@jeromeinet4610]

Thanks for this interesting video. As a french person, I just make one « vocabulary comment » : the translation in English of the french word « sécurité » is « safety ». Security is related to voluntary unlawful acts (sûreté in french) 😊

[@colorfullyme]

I think the English word "security" still applies here. Think about when people say they feel "insecure" or have "secure" attachment.

[@Present4]

Such a beautiful woman. Thank you

[@POLYLIVING]

This is magnificent work! I’d love to see security or freedom on dating apps

[@leadahms4637]

For people who really loved this topic I recommend reading the book “attached” to learn more about your own attachment style! Everything she says is very aligned with this book!

[@ImbueGreatness]

Esther you rock!!

[@Victoria-uw4pw]

A balance of these two forces makes sense. The problem is when individuals polarise into these forces. Two built a healthy relationship you need the balance of freedom and intimacy.

[@patriceesela5000]

Spot on 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾

[@Niamh2012]

Yes the one that looks like the anxious one picks the avoidant to hide their own avoidance. The overtly avoidant is hiding his anxiety through the other one

[@moniquecm1144]

❤️to be free of past for a true new beginning in love being equal looking the same direction and feeling the same way ❤️

[@salonika101]

Ms. ESTHER, can you upload more short videos like this?

[@ZarahBee]

Merci beaucoup!

[@Moon-ij5ju]

OMG Thank you Esther

[@ligiasommers]

Excellent thank you 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻

[@angierox6964]

Thank you! 💕🙏🏼

[@gardenvistas]

Thank you for your work and for putting out so many videos and resources. I'm curious what your experience is and others when one partner feels that the desire, spark, and romance that was once there at the beginning can't be rekindled but the other partner feels very strongly that with nourishment, action and change that the desire can be brought back? Can one person work on the relationship on their own while the other is not hopeful or is actively wanting to pursue separation? What resources might you have available Esther for this situation? Thanks!

[@ItsNatalieMedina]

I need to read this book

[@marciamellow1211]

Security is freedom Financial freedom. Period.

[@Daneiladams555]

youre great, love your insights

[@clarabinder7536]

Such a good Video! ✨🙏

[@xnadii91x]

Can you have both the fear of losing yourself AND the fear of losing the other? The need for safety AND adventure at the same time? And if so, what do you do in that case?

[@belindaweber7999]

I tend to see-saw between the two myself *sigh, I also identify as sis-Ace, so that makes relationships hard too... 🤷‍♀️

[@andrew-isac]

U said it all wow!

[@chloexu2126]

Thanks a lot for sharing a tool that allows complementarity to be achieved. But this strategy works for partnerships. What about single people who wish to reconcile these tensions? Is there a toolbox for us as well?

[@cartergomez5390]

That's what I was thinking...

[@Chipop267]

Brilliant! as always:)

[@golnarfadee5877]

The fight for security or freedom happens mostly in what we call a romantic relationship; particularly those in which a sense of ownership is involved. If people have a relationship of any kind without those stereotyped expectations and roles of a traditional relationship, then they wouldn't need to fight over their needs! If we do things together only because we both like it, it'll be much better than doing things together because it's part of our duty of being in a relationship!

[@livinglifetothefullest22]

No one OWNS another!! Getting married is not being the owner of a possession!!

[@thetruther954]

That is very complicated, I wish I had your understanding. If you and I could just admit, while being committed to our partners, of entertaining exciting feelings for each other, there would never be a problem. “My husband does it all for me, I never think of other men”. Yeah, I don’t believe you. And neither would your son. Teach him how to be with women. Teach him how to get along.

[@melusine826]

Coming out my childhood wanting both..... tricky

[@chayalife26]

Same... when your parent is simultaneously controlling and neglectful....

[@brightpage1020]

Security is a privilege that requires responsibility. You want out of the responsibility, fine, but you gotta prepare to sacrifice some freedom and security for that choice.

[@aminaadam3617]

Well said.

[@maggiebittman8325]

Makes sense.

[@E_Tea]

Wow!!!

[@purpleisamazing1]

Hi, I always enjoy your perspective and wise words. Can you please explain what a fear of obliteration is?

[@huuuubert]

Hi, Fear of obliteration, when someone is afraid that by becoming a ‘WE’ they will lose the ‘I’ themselves, who they were before the relationship, this sometimes translates into fear of commitment.

[@robincrowflies]

Yes, what SC said. In my own life, I have realized that it is easy to lose my self in a relationship, so now I am very cautious about even getting into a relationship. I am 55 years old and got married when I was 19. I moved out of my home and live by myself, and it is lonely but I crave solitude. Absolutely crave it.

[@ninjuhdelic]

oh wow, descirbes me and the wifeyrelationship well, me and my boo are opposites in many ways and it creates a beatiful synergy. if not for her id probably only leave my house once every 25 years or so haha.

[@dbakermcitp]

Loser

[@wilsonsouza3972]

Hello my dear friend I'm Wilson from Brazil Rio de janeiro ❤❤❤❤

[@Adriiaa]

That sounds similar to a dismissive avoidant and anxious attachment style dynamic

[@renehiguera1323]

Hi from Mexicali

[@sheathfelixofficial]

You're my favorite

[@DannyBoy443]

The way I see it, these days and this is just me. I think, (of Esters two areas where people go to need) the latter (individuality, freedom etc) is getting REALLY crowded w/ people who feel like they were pushed there. Male or female. And to us ADHD creatives, we know if you belong here w/ us lol.

[@oambitiousone7100]

I’ve been avoidant my whole marriage. Partly it’s that when I’ve exposed things I love, there was criticism, so I pulled back and back until we are existing in the same house.

[@AverageAngel]

If you want intimacy does it make sense to find someone who also wants intimacy as opposed to finding someone who wants to keep their freedom and individuality?

[@cathyl1954]

Good question

[@cathyl1954]

I'd say the answer is yes and no

[@cathyl1954]

Contrast can be a good thing

[@Daniela.Mccaffrey]

I love that 💕

[@mymyersfamily]

realized today these r opposing on quantum level - wave (freedom) vs particle (security). this seems to be fundamental duality of universe. women r wave, men r particle. creation = conscious observers seeking to observe waves to collapse them into particles (security). with conscious takers seeking to remove particles from observers so they return to wave form. battle of men/women, creation / destruction.

[@roxiebalboa6572]

❤

[@Dr.Wolfstar]

Complex…

[@stephanybeltran7083]

Your videos are always so insightful and said in a very clear and easy to understand way. Thank you! 🫶🏼

[@How.Dare.You.]

🤯

[@RobertChanTV]

This shit is hard

[@Shib100]

She said what “you” wanna do this weekend when she expecting we answers… why can’t she just say what we doing this weekend without trying to catch him out

[@colorfullyme]

she wasnt trying to "catch" him xD just like he wasnt trying to reject her. It was a miscommunication based on mismatched needs. she clearly understands and empathizes with his side too now that she has a better understanding. From the phrasing you used of "catch him" it seems that you feel that sense of invasion and encroachment she describes. No judgement on that, just an observation :)

[@Shib100]

@@colorfullymeperhaps..Although asking where is the we? Right after asking what *you* doing this weekend is misleading

[@colorfullyme]

@@Shib100 basically when she asked "what do you want to do this weekend?" she hoped that doing something together would be part of it. she hoped she wouldnt have to ask specifically if he wanted to do something together. This is also why she suggests "playing the other part". If he were more proactive about planning stuff together, she wouldnt get anxious about "where is the we?" And if she was more proactive about her own interests, he wouldnt have to worry about her being too codependent

[@chrisboyd4433]

"Where is your WE?" Oh if I had a quarter............

[@Niamh2012]

Unfortunately I've discovered my partner is a gangster so don't think I want to play that part. He'll need to go clean😂

[@fishstickbio594]

Security in a relationship comes ONLY with the man NOT CHEATING on the wife .