The Problem with Being a Female Enneagram 8

[@AbbeyHowe]

Hi guys! I apologize that this video does not represent everyone. If you are BIPOC and want to be featured in future videos, please DM me on my Instagram and let me know. It's @enneagramwithabbey on IG

[@olivialucero6811]

I don't have an IG but if you're looking for colored 8s, I'm happy to help!

[@amandasweet6830]

I'll be reaching out!! I'm a mixed woman and type 8! and LOVE my number.

[@BondBaby1111]

Being a Black Female #8, it feels like at worst, the outside world and those within my community hate to see me exhibit that strength and respond to me with the constant threat of punishment

[@angelawu8420]

Being an 8 as an Asian woman 🤦🏻‍♀️. I don’t even know where to begin-I’m all kinds of disrespectful to everyone

[@akayakitchen]

👋

[@goaroundwithcrystal]

As an 8, I find we are "too much" until someone needs something and then we are the first ones they call. We get things done. We deal with things and move on. I have had friends tell me I was rude when I was actually just direct. I always thought it was just me - now I know there are other 8 women who share this experience.

[@ferozalekota1722]

Totally agree

[@sarahkosobucki7775]

100% I work in IT on a team with all males and they always come to me to get things done. They do it more one on one and never in a group setting. It is so awesome to know that others experience this.

[@heatherbruce1668]

Totally agree!!

[@JessiTuck]

I was saying JUST THIS the other day. You only want our energy to be this way when you'd like it pointed somewhere. Otherwise you'd like us as a different type.

[@Retroboxmedia]

You are so right. 8's are able to execute with clarity because of their quick ability to know how to solve problems. 8s know what they want and know how to achieve it!

[@sonyamallett6402]

I have an 8 teenage daughter. She is TRUSTWORTHY. And formidable 😂I used to wonder if she was mean girl, but came to appreciate she doesn’t follow the crowd, which is a good thing. She is very brave. Enneagram 5 mom

[@AbbeyHowe]

thanks for sharing, Mama!

[@yaikunamanya3038]

Omg im 8s and my mom is 5s

[@evafernandez3845]

@@yaikunamanya3038 Sameeee omg

[@lindaschafran2934]

Good point, Sonya Mallett! Not following the crowd was me, an 8, and as a teen, I resisted peer pressure to do drugs for a long time, until, regretfully finally, I gave in. I never enjoyed the experience, however, that others were raving about, and mainly, it was because I hated the idea of being/feeling out of control, which drugs would majorly make me feel, I always knew. Thankfully, it was short-lived. All the best!

[@shea5542]

That’s beautiful that you’re researching 8s for your daughter to understand her better

[@alanhowe851]

Eights are greats.

[@AbbeyHowe]

you're married to one

[@maggieheermann4124]

I'm an eight :)

[@mikalray7438]

The biggest struggle I have being a female 8 is making female friendships. I've struggled hard with maintaining female friendships my whole life. I've never had any issues making male friendships. I've noticed that many men enjoy my presence... but women typically dislike me... a lot.

[@calicomm1481]

AGREED. Women struggle so much when you say what you mean and tell people what you want. It’s heartbreaking 💔

[@fernandadealencar1158]

As a 4, I need to say that I appreciate 8s so much, they're such passionate and driven people who care about the people around them. i have a female friend who is an 8 and she always tells me to be stronger and stand up for myself. It is such an admirable personality, and is not a male privilege to be like this or to receive recognition for their acts. Women can be bosses and bossy, it is not bad to be a strong leader.

[@AbbeyHowe]

YES! Love hearing your perspective as a friend to an 8!

[@louiselarc9180]

My type are enneagram 4‘s and I think I’m a 8 so that’s nice to hear lol

[@Hannahschannel]

I am an 8 and my sister is a 4! She feels the same way about me!!

[@emma_doucette]

I think the most hurtful thing regarding my personality that I've heard is that I need to "learn how to be empathetic" simply because I disagreed. I'm not a monster, you're just wrong so I'm telling you😂

[@fk2205]

agree!!!

[@alexs2351]

Exactly!

[@Xqui5ite]

So damn true ... Im an INTJ and type 8.... Just imagine my life

[@catacombskull]

@@Xqui5ite were living the same life💀

[@emma_doucette]

​@@Xqui5iteI am also an INTJ 😂 Fe trickster is rough

[@potato-ez5ee]

Continue being you. You'll find the people that love you for you and those that don't, screw 'em. - A Female Type 4 sending my love out to all my Type 8 sisters.

[@AbbeyHowe]

chasing daylight great advice!! ♥️

[@potato-ez5ee]

@@AbbeyHowe thank you, love your videos ❤️

[@mandyinseattle]

All of this. Being validated by other 8s who understand me has been a gift. Thank you ❤ I cannot count how many times I've said no, I'm not passive aggressive, I'm just straight-up aggressive aggressive, because I don't play those games

[@AbbeyHowe]

mandyinseattle aggressive-aggressive is one of my favorite things Sheila said 😂

[@mandyinseattle]

@@AbbeyHowe And Sheila probably believes, as I do, that we're not really "aggressive." If a man were the same, he'd be assertive or blunt.

[@ohhmangos]

mooood! I've been called horrible things simply because I don't deal with bs

[@kaitlynnicole8855]

I have literally said this exact thing as my communication style! haha

[@altheaarchives96]

I just broke up with my boyfriend and he called me being passive aggressive 😂 and I was like... bro I've told you many times what you did wrong in the past and you seem to forget that everytime.

[@isak406]

Wow this spoke to me so much as a female 8. I’ve been called bossy, disrespectful and argumentative so many times. I really felt it when one of the women said someone thought she was ‘fighting’ when passionate discussion is how she builds intimacy

[@Susanne_218]

I have a sister who is an 8. She is one of the most loving persons I know. She loves with passion and truth. I have a deep respect and love for her.

[@anitadodd]

I admire people who communicate honestly (with empathy) so I appreciate healthy 8 women so much!

[@AbbeyHowe]

Agreed! They're awesome!

[@kimberliwright9236]

I think this must be me. My husband tells me I'm very good at slapping someone in the back of the head with my honesty, but they feel like I just gave them a hug. HAHAHAHA

[@francesca.pellegrino]

I can’t put all my feelings in a post here, so, I’ll just say Thank You.

[@AbbeyHowe]

Francesca Pellegrino you’re so welcome! I’m glad it resonated with you. ❤️

[@LeeannMichellefunny]

Abbey! Thank you so much for inviting me to be a part of this video. I want to have a big brunch date with all of these women. I was nodding my head the entire time. Female 8's have it hard, but we're also perfect for pushing back against that. BRING.IT.ON! xoxo, Michelle

[@AbbeyHowe]

Thank YOU for sharing your experiences and wisdom with us. Loved what you said about the suffragettes ♥️ You da best!

[@stephaniefehr6890]

Michelle, fellow 8 here and I had a very similar experience as you with a youth pastor who also found me too much and had a meeting with my dad (who was the senior pastor) about it. I was told I was embarrassing the family and needed to watch myself at youth. I also didn't lose my faith, but absolutely lost the good relationship I had with my youth pastor. So I HEAR YOU! And now I'm a pastor myself, and find that my 8ness is a blessing and a curse, as per usual. :)

[@rebeccak4523]

Trying to figure out whether Im an 8 or 3

[@tyeshaswanson3461]

Wow, this was very eye opening for me as a type 9 because I've felt very intimidated by women type 8. Bold, strong words feel like conflict so I've avoided people who make me feel that way. It was wonderful to hear from type 8s!!!

[@ClearSummerSkies]

Type 5 here! Well said, I've felt the same way. I'm so grateful the enneagram has allowed me to see other people's perspectives.

[@AbbeyHowe]

Yay!! I’m so glad it was refreshing to hear!

[@tucky3191]

Exactly! 9s hate conflict and 8s love it, so I’m hanging in tight with my relationship with my friend lol

[@yourhighvibecoach]

Being a type 8 woman has been the hardest challenge of my life and I have 2 kids, a full time job and own a business 🤣. Abbey this moved me to tears. Being heard and appreciated and lifted by other 8s has made my day. The only thing I need now is for you to tell me how to live with my 4 husband 🤣

[@gracebennion2000]

Just be kind to him. As a four with an 8 daughter, kindness is the key to a great relationship.

[@helendallaston9169]

I am an 8 who WAS married to a 4 for 28 years. I think we were good for each other in many ways - he helped me to value emotions more and to get in touch with my feelings while I offered him the chance to be more down-to-earth and honest. I ended the marriage though, once our kids were in their 20s , because he was not a healthy 4, meaning he lived in a fantasy world and preferred that (including screens). Sad really, but life is too precious to be wasted fighting battles that have no positve outcomes. Since my divorce, I've been able to put my energy into supporting people who just need a little bit of extra help - as we all do at certain points in life.

[@rachellopez8357]

Omg, this was so good 😭😭😭 8 here 🙋‍♀️and I remember how hurt I was when a debate judge in high school told me that I had “won the round,” but that I “didn’t need to be so ABRASIVE.” I loved what the one woman said about how addressing conflict and being honest is a sign of intimacy. It’s because I care! If I didn’t care, I would just move on, but I want to have an authentic relationship, which means that I need to tell people when I’ve been hurt or angered. I have never watered myself down because I honestly wouldn’t even know how to begin! In grad school, my confidence was polarizing. Some of the faculty adored me and some hated me. They thought I was trying to piss them off by not being deferential, but I wasn’t. I was just being me!

[@DorotaGabal]

That's a lot of shared experience for me. One thing I've noticed is, it's hard to bully an 8, because we don't take to that too well, and we don't take it. However, it's easier to ostracize an 8, and it looks like I'm not the only one that experienced it at times.

[@perfectlyuncommon894]

spot on

[@kingofbithynia]

I agree with you

[@shbek4417]

8w7 here. I really enjoyed this! I agree with Candance - I have never lessened myself to seem more socially acceptable. Screw that. By the time I realized that was legitimately something people did, I wanted no part in it. Although I have 9w1 and 4w5 daughters that I've learned I need to be a lot more gentle with than comes naturally to me.

[@AbbeyHowe]

😂 it cracked me up when Candace answered that way

[@EmilybShore]

Loooove this as an enneagram 8 anti trafficking activist! I’ve been called so many names. Biggest thing I want people to know: I am direct and honest. I am challenging you to understand you better not attacking you. I love that “I have a soft gooey Center” but you gotta put in the work to see that center. Some people are more trustworthy than others for me to put down that drawbridge to my hearts castle ❤️ Thank you for this video. Pursuing domestic abuse advocacy for the Church is a very tough position but that’s where my passion is and my heart went out to the 8 women who’ve had to shrink themselves in the Church. Because that’s not what Jesus preached. And he rewarded bold behavior from women all the time and honored them for it!

[@BadWolfSilence]

Jael killed a man with a tent peg, Deborah lead an army, Esther risked her life to save her people, women were prophets as well as men, biblical women are tough as nails! Christian women today should be too, we have the Holy Spirit in us. :) Keep up the great work!!!

[@kevinr3866]

You are a godsend to the abused women of the world.

[@lindaschafran2934]

@@BadWolfSilence well said!

[@rebekahpedersen5878]

This is so wonderful! I’m an 8 and feel like I spend 85% of my energy trying to be “less” around other people. It’s exhausting. One thing I love about female 8’s is how socially agile and masterful they can be since we have the additional challenge of being a like-able female. These are healthy introspective 8’s. It’s good to see.

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

I am ridiculously attracted to enneagram 8 women for some reason. I have been for as long as I can remember, way before finding the enneagram. I'm sure Sigmund Fraud would have a field day with that one.

[@naomik.1067]

After reading these comments of other type 8 women, I can say that another one of the biggest motivators in women only is validation and and our biggest fears is inequality. I'm an 8, and have experienced every.single.thing. these women have spoken too, even within deep, meaningful relationships.

[@AbbeyHowe]

thanks for sharing, Naomi! ♥️

[@peachycat4268]

As an 8 I really enjoyed this video, but I wish we could hear from more women of color who are 8s! Race certainly plays a major role in who we see as socially acceptable and I'd love to hear their experiences as 8s

[@lo-dee]

Totally agree!

[@AbbeyHowe]

TOTALLY AGREE! I knew it was white AF as I was compiling footage. I always ask for contributors on my Instagram and just did not get any BIPOC 8s who felt comfortable filming themselves. If you know anyone who would like to be a contributor in the future, please send them my way (via IG!)

[@mattcalloway8775]

i’m a male (obviously) enneagram 5 but this is still my favorite video that you’ve done so far🙌🏾thanks for not shying away from the tougher subjects!

[@AbbeyHowe]

so glad you enjoyed it!

[@Crocsvevo]

Thank you so much for this video!! The only other 8’s I know are men so it’s so nice to see so many wonderful 8 women!!!!! As an 8w7 I’ve been called all of those negative things countless times and it sucks!! I think one of the biggest things that people misunderstand about me as an 8 is that the people in my life assume that because I’m typically more “aggressive” and confrontational that I enjoy it and so they expect me to always be the one to initiate conversations about difficult topics. because they know that it’s almost a guarantee that I will so they don’t have to actually put in any effort and it’s exhausting!

[@taypre_girlie415]

That does sound exhausting! I'm sorry you are going through that. Have you tried calling them out on that?

[@AbbeyHowe]

Alaska B you’re so welcome! I’m glad it was helpful! Thanks for sharing your perspective.

[@Crocsvevo]

Taylor W yes! And like when I explain it to them they understand like “wow that sounds so exhausting I’ll work on that!” And then they don’t dmfkkdks and I try to be patient bc the people in my life are 4,5,6 and 7 (lmao I just noticed that that’s funny) so they’re not super big on confrontation and/or dealing with things that make them uncomfortable so for them it’s just easier to just let me do it because they know that I will

[@taypre_girlie415]

@@Crocsvevo That's really admirable that you talked to them about it! I have a roommate who is a 3 and I came across that same thing! She told me that she just isn't great with confrontational discussions. I tried to help her find ways that she can confront me about things that still allowed her to feel slightly comfortable. We decided that her taking time to pray to God about the situation and her later on that day or so bringing it up to me works for her. Maybe helping them find specific avenues that works for them could help? In essence giving them options so they aren't stuck. Just throwing ideas out there because I know that healthy confrontation from both sides leads to a more fulfilling relationship!

[@Crocsvevo]

Taylor W I love that you were able to talk to your roommate about it! I think I’m the only person in my entire circle who is even remotely confrontational lmao and I totally understand that I can be intimidating to talk to especially if you’re not a confrontational person and I also totally understand that not everyone is like me and is ready to immediately hash something out so I have to be patient! Like my partner is a 5 and needs lots of time to process his feelings and have to energy to have a big discussion so like I totally get it! Idk! It’s just exhausting having to be the only one who’s willing to be confrontational

[@sirbradfordofhousejones]

I love female 8s! I’m a 7w8 ESFP male, so that’s probably not too surprising. Pushing against the social norms is something I greatly admire, and they have it much harder than most. Great job, ladies! 👏

[@Jessicaunarex]

As a 4, I appreciate the 8's authenticity. I have noticed they have every so often been 'protective' of me, the way 8s can be to someone perceived as more 'vulnerable.' I feel like 4 and 8 share that strong, intense connection.

[@katemarigold5043]

Yes! I feel the same way about 8s. I wonder if 4s and 8s get along particularly well since they both are very passionate and honest?

[@GiaNescio]

All of this is so right on. "You're intimidating." all the time. Meanwhile I am thinking "Why? I am just being me. I just got here." There is certainly a lot of pressure to sit down, shut up, and be pretty. As an 8 you simply can't maintain it, so you get punished or shut out A LOT. The good side though is the people who get you and appreciate you are solid and will be loyal.

[@marykatherinerosson213]

Yes yes yes to everything all of these ladies said! I’m an 8w9 and this resonates with me so much. It’s very hard in a world of men where they expect and want all women to be submissive, even in the work place. And that is just NOT in our nature at all

[@AbbeyHowe]

Exactly!!

[@nat1XP]

Yes! Loved having 8s answer. I have a wing 8 and have had my what I'd call extreme amount of care be bypassed because people would rather comment on how it was not the social norm infer i have a manipulative streak and then as a result judge me instead of appreciating what I said or did.

[@AbbeyHowe]

nat1XP glad the video was helpful!! 💕

[@snakepliskin8646]

I'm a male 9w1 (so I'm on the other side of the spectrum here, not being seen as manly enough and too soft). If I hadn't started working on my 8 wing and learned to set boundaries, I would be in great despair now. That said. 8s are great decision makers, but often bad at communicating with empathy. Candace, asked in the video why she should work on her softer sides? Because it means you're developing your personality. Saying: "That's just how I am, deal with it." is very unwise. I see it in my own family - people who stuck to their old behavior and grew bitter either against themselves or the world. And that's true for any type.

[@casandrahampton376]

Keep in mind being empathetic and communicating with empathy are two very different things. Eights won't show empathy and vulnerability if they don't feel safe to, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it.

[@snakepliskin8646]

@@casandrahampton376 I know, I never said 8s aren't empathetic. ;-)

[@casandrahampton376]

@@snakepliskin8646 😊 Just checking! Understanding between all people makes life so much better, so I thought I'd point it out just in case personal feelings and frustrations about Eights in your life clouded issues. Gods know every person is so very different to any other.

[@snakepliskin8646]

@@casandrahampton376 True!

[@anna_b360]

As an 8, I find that if I make a note to straight up tell people when they were doing a good job as well as when they needed to improve, things usually went okay I definitely agree that there is a fine line between people accepting others for who they are, and straight up ignoring character growth

[@blueanima8623]

Here’s the thing I’ve learned as an 8: Sometimes nobody asked for your opinion. Sometimes people are reacting badly to your opinion *bc they don’t want it* and they very well might not need it either. Know your territory. Also: You can adjust how you treat people based on what they want. And you shouldn’t resent people for not liking to be handled roughly. You like to be handled roughly. Cool. Not everyone does. Get over it. Or else, if you don’t smooth your hard edges and they do distance themselves from you, accept it and don’t label them as weak. Weak would be hating the way you treat them and sticking around to deal with it bc otherwise you’d think they were weak. 😂 Strength is “I don’t like that, I can’t make it stop, so I’m distancing myself.” So yes an 8 can change for others. But do it carefully. Bc some people are just not compatible and distance is better. It might serve you to learn to keep those passionate opinions close to the chest in public settings and in places where you aren’t in charge. When you need them to come out, they’ll be there and you’ll know what to do. You don’t need a flamethrower to light a candle. A great place to direct all that passion: yourself. You want someone to control? Control yourself. To a T. When the time comes to blast that force outward, if you’ve mastered yourself you’ll be much stronger anyway.

[@attyteilalberda9443]

Beautiful

[@MusicIsMyAeroplane09]

Maybe the title should be Being a Female Type 8 is NOT a problem! Or, the Challenges With Being a Female Type 8. This is great content Abbey!

[@AbbeyHowe]

Rachel Tyler thanks Rachel!!

[@cynthiasmith2334]

Sending love to all the 8's reading this

[@fernandadealencar1158]

i just love their honesty, omg, i love 8's so much, you are amazing. there is so much intensity and truth in them that needs to be appreciated.

[@AbbeyHowe]

♥️

[@LisaCapron]

This is so perfect. My younger 8 daughter (yes, I've been blessed with TWO of them!) is 14 and is running headfirst into the brick wall of high school social issues. And of course, her natural instinct is to take a sledgehammer (verbally, of course) to said wall.... I figure my job as her 1w2 mom is to somehow see her through adolescence recognizing her amazing strength and gifts while somehow directing all of that passion in positive directions. I will say that at least she gives the world fair warning... she's 5 ft 6, gorgeous and with waist length super thick hot pink hair and an entire wardrobe of sarcastic t shirts.

[@mydogisoscarthegrouch]

I was proud of being called bossy by another woman at my previous job. I knew she'd never say that about a man, and I called her out on it, too.

[@kristinb5073]

I generally think of myself as not giving a **** about what other people think of me, but LeAnn's story about her youth pastor just brought back a flood of my own stories of being an adolescent female 8 in the church. Every single leader in the church (and at my private Christian school) had a very strong opinion about me since I was young, and every one of those opinions was along a continuum of a love-hate relationship... with almost all of them agreeing I needed to be better controlled, more meek, and more "modest" (which was code for quiet and shrinking). A few of these people have slid into my DMs even in the past few months to try and "put me in my place," despite having not seen me for over a decade. This imbued a lot of self-hatred and fear, and a very complicated relationship with myself. I never had a problem standing up for others, but it's only been 7 years since I finally stood up for myself and left that church, and I'm still struggling to find a church that I can trust won't tear me down for being myself.

[@LeeannMichellefunny]

Sorry you went through that too. It is especially hard to be a female 8 in the church, for sure. -Michelle

[@lo-dee]

I experienced similar relationships with “authority” figures in my life as an 8. At churches, teachers and my male relationships. I’m sorry you experienced those things, I hope you can learn to forgive other people’s projections and stand firm in who you are. Build the church within you.

[@AbbeyHowe]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Kristin, and I'm sorry you were hurt by people in the church.

[@emma_doucette]

Omg who are you and how did you steal my backstory

[@racheljank1163]

To add, grown up female 8s get horrid advice from conservative, traditional couselors in church settings. Telling a woman that her life would improve if she "quit being herself" is so harmful.

[@alexrose20]

I am intimidated but inspired by 8s and as a woman it is hard to not fall into the trap of watering yourself down to seem more approachable or socially acceptable. Women and girls do not apologize for being confident or for speaking up!

[@maeglock4627]

Hello! 8w7 here! I love your video and I thought I would answer your questions. 1. The biggest one is just being to much. Sadly my own family finds me overwhelming and I can’t talk to them about a lot of stuff. Also I feel like people want to just knock me down a peg so they have gone out of there way to say some really hurtful things. 2. Yes! People in authority have really strong reactions to my personality and some teachers have gone so far as to accuse me of being “out to get them” 3. I stood up for a fellow student getting yelled at repeatedly for something really insignificant. They have a disability and I thought it was inappropriate. I reported the teacher, and it didn’t go well, but im glad I did it. 4. I’ve gotten to talk to some amazing women who have said so really mean and untrue things about themselves. I love telling them how much there worth and how loved they are by God. Many of them have told me that that conversation was really appreciated. 5.I have lessened myself. Like I said I am even to much sometimes for my own family. I love them and don’t want to stress them out so I don’t always tell them what’s going on to the full extent. 6. As for male eights. I don’t know a lot of eights so I will differ to these awesome ladies 7. What I want people to know about female 8s is that we actually have a big heart for people. I am straight forward because the truth will be better for you in the long run. When I say things in a straight forward way I’m not trying to attack you. Lastly, these women (not just me) will be some of your best friends if you give them a chance. I’m really not that scary. I hope this answers all the questions! I love you videos and like the idea of getting to contribute in this small way. God Bless!

[@AbbeyHowe]

Thanks for sharing your answers with us, Mae! ♥️

[@wendyf1165]

8 here 🙋‍♀️ I have been called intimidating more times than I can count. I have also been “pushed down” when I was the only one bold enough to speak for a group and stand up for what was right. (Several times when confronted the others would deny their agreement with my stance and back down but I never would 🤪) What I want people to know is that I am fiercely loyal to my tribe. I will go to war for my friends and family if needed, only out of love 🥰

[@paisleyprincess7996]

I am a BIPOC AND an 8. I was in a class once, and I was sharing my story about the societal ills facing us. Well, this white student spoke over me, because his privilege let him do that. We were debating, and he wasn’t backing down. Meanwhile, the teacher told ME to pipe it down, while this man got the floor. I was embarrassed that I was chastised like that, when all I was doing was speaking the truth

[@erzascarlet5078]

As a female 8w7, I can say this video is 100% accurate and I relate to it word for word.

[@melodicexotic]

This video speaks to me as I’m an 8 and didn’t realize it until recently. I’ve been told I’m demanding, bossy, direct, visionary, passionate, etc. I’ve learned to be mindful of what I say without overdoing it because if you can’t take my 8ness then it’s okay too :)

[@savannaleighofficial]

thank you for this🤍 as an 8w7 woman I have struggled with the same things and i feel very understood after watching this video... thank you again

[@AMoniqueOcampo]

Love seeing Michelle from Leann and Michelle! Thanks for introducing all these awesome ladies who kick ass!

[@AbbeyHowe]

Aren’t they the best?? 🥰

[@MatthewRobleski]

Enneagram 4 (M) here, in a relationship with a female 8. I really appreciated this video reiterating many things my gf has told me about how people perceive her on a daily basis. My gf is such a devoted and fierce friend. Because of her, I know I am with someone who will defend me against family, friends and anyone else I face. A female 8 in a happy relationship is a force to be reckoned with.

[@gj5024]

Would you consider doing a similar video on type 5 women? We also struggle with having personalities that are not traditionally feminine, but in a different way. Once in elementary school my teacher pulled me out of class and scolded me for not smiling enough! I have also been criticized in the work place sooo many times for not being "bubbly" enough which is so hurtful. So many times in my life I've basically been asked to pretend to be someone I'm not just because I'm a female. I have never observed male children being scolded for their facial expressions or male co workers being told that they're not charming enough.

[@gj5024]

In addition, being pushed to be more social than were comfortable with, being shamed for our interests or having them dismissed, being seen as cold, people not listening if we express that we don't want marriage or children (some do, some don't), not being "nurturing" enough etc

[@mattcwatson]

We wife and I love watching your videos together. We just figured out she is actually an 8, not a 3 (everything makes so much more sense now!). She could definitely relate to the women in this video. You should do a video about the problem with being a male enneagram 4. I’m not sure if your husband can relate, but in my experience, many of the 4 traits are considered to be “feminine.” Being expressive, sensitive, and emotional as a man can be seen be as a sign of weakness in our culture.

[@llizjae8914]

I am an 8 and three years ago I failed a subject because I filed a complain with 'no enough evidence' against a lecturer who had been harassing the students mentally and verbally for years. The others felt the same but were to scared to stand up so I was the 'odd' one. I did try to lessen myself after that event but after watching this video I think I'm proud of myself because I stood up for something I believed in. Thank you!

[@paisleyprincess7996]

I had a professor give me a C when I got A’s on every assignment I did. He also made specialized comments about me, telling me I was “easy.” He also made quips about me being biracial. I blew it off because I was a single mom with two kids, and I needed to finish school. When there’s something bigger than myself that needs to be done, I’ll lessen myself. But I shoulda said something

[@ClearSummerSkies]

I wish I could have a trusted 8 female friend that I could learn from! A lot of my experiences with 8s left me feeling really yucky. I'm an cognitive extrovert 5w4, so I'm very retiring and sensitive by nature. 8s big energy tends to push me further into my shell. I know now that is not what their intention is, but I've never had an eight be vulnerable with me so I can see exactly what's going on it their heads (which is important for my type!). I go to eight in growth (and also have 8 in my tritype, I can be a suprising firecracker at times!), so I'd love an eight to help show me what it means to stand up for myself, to be assertive, but not aggresive. And maybe as a 5 I hope I could help them in some way (read: be useful), it's my favorite thing to do!!

[@AbbeyHowe]

ClearSummerSkies hoping for that trusted 8 female friend to come into your life!

[@ClearSummerSkies]

@@AbbeyHowe Thank you!🥰

[@emma_doucette]

In order to have trust with an 8, we need to know you can handle our intensity, and won't expect us to be watered down versions of ourselves. If they feel you will accept them for who they are, and try to understand them, they will open up to you in time. Nothing hurts more than someone you thought was a friend treating you like a monster.

[@ClearSummerSkies]

@@emma_doucette Great advice, thank you for sharing!

[@juliagulia0819]

Thank you for this! I like to be up front and honest because that's what I want others to be with me. When it comes to my sister and parents, I guess I come off as "too strong" and not caring which can be SO frustrating. I am stating my viewpoints BECAUSE I care! I'm not going to agree with you if I don't find something right just to avoid hurt feelings!!!! This video was great, thank you ladies! I'm sharing this with my friend who's also an 8 lol

[@reviewsgoodnbad7695]

As an 8w7 I’m constantly trying to not intimidate people (too much), but it’s a part of me, and it’s how I’m successful.

[@evangelle82]

I abhor passive aggressiveness. As an 8w9 I try and put myself in other people's shoes. I find also leaning more into my 2 side (helpfulness/softness) that I am able to communicate effectively to others. Once I gain people's trust and relationship, (and they realize I'm not being fake) but the real deal, BOOM! people respect the times I'm a true 8 with them and back me up when strangers misinterpret me.

[@KS-cz9qc]

I love how this panel highlights the strengths, gifts, and care for others that 8s possess! 🙌 I think the enneagram is a great resource to help people better understand the perspectives and strengths of female 8s that can often be misunderstood or, at times, even willfully misinterpreted. Thank you, Abbey, Michelle, Amy, Candace, Wendy, Ashley, Katelyn, Jamie, and Sheila for sharing your insights!

[@AbbeyHowe]

Yay! I'm glad you found it helpful. ♥️

[@beybrain7896]

What about type 2 men?

[@AbbeyHowe]

Ooh this is a good idea!!!

[@ShelleyFayles]

Right.

[@TheKgal89]

Do Type 9 men as well!

[@Lovelovepink124]

@@TheKgal89 my best friend is a type 9 male. Best guy in the world.

[@TheKgal89]

@@Lovelovepink124 What is your type?

[@denisekrueger8745]

As an 8 I’m learning to watch people’s faces when I’m passionately communicating...facial expressions when I’m talking intensely help me understand if I’m being received as angry intense or too loud (I have volume control issues!!) because I love you I will turn the volume down and dial the intensity back a notch! I’m still going to tell you the truth but I’m learning to be more mindful that not everyone loves intensity as much as I do!!

[@lindaschafran2934]

Eight here. I was impressed with hearing the other eight women in this video who I feel sure spoke my language, on many different points. For one, I, too, have had people (including my 8 husband) tell me on many occasions that I just like to start a fight. My retort back (not to argue!) was to say, no, I definitely do not like to fight. I don't mind a good argument, however, if it means accomplishing a goal or getting to a resolution, but to fight just to fight, or argue just to argue, no, not me. Sometimes, in fact, our looooong discussions over an issue would leave me feeling so resolved and thoroughly victorious that both of us were now on the same page, only to find out that he, having a different personality than me, even though we are both 8s, would end up afterward feeling just drained and stating that we hadn't accomplished anything. Secondly, I was told by an adult, when I was quite young, that I belonged in a zoo. I attribute that to my brash behavior, and I did tell it like it is, even then. If I didn't respect a teacher, I would act out in class, and my lack of respect would usually revolve around what I perceived or deemed as disorganization or lack of knowledge (! I know, bold me!) on the part of the teacher. Anyway, I have certainly grown as a believer in Christ and into a healthy 8 in my older age. Thanks for the information and insight into other 8 females.

[@Charlotteapaige]

Oh! I’m an 8, and I feel so seen!

[@AbbeyHowe]

Yay! Love hearing this!

[@rebeccapletscher8060]

This was so insanely comforting to hear. I'm not glad other women go through this, but I'm glad to not feel alone :)

[@cheriecatron8933]

This is amazing. I need to have a community of women like these.

[@kushagrivyas1886]

i am a type 8 teenagers and honestly i just cried seeing the amount of relatability with everything, the positive and negative.

[@GiaNescio]

Wendy is speaking my truth. I am just being myself and people say I change the energy just walking in the room and saying a basic sentence. Some people love it, Some people hate it. As a Black woman I work really hard to avoid the "angry Black woman" tag, but it's hard because sometimes I should be angry. Why aren't we all angry when someone is treated unjustly? I have found that working on my own is my go to for avoiding problems the people. This leads to people always coming to me for help by choice. They might not like what I have to say but they know I am giving them solid info and advice.

[@BadWolfSilence]

I seem pretty tied for 4 and 8. I got in trouble a lot as a kid for what I felt was simply standing up for myself, I was often called disrespectful even though I wasn’t meaning to be, and I’ve always hated being told who to be. I wonder how different things would’ve been had I been a boy instead. Good video!

[@sierradavis5082]

Oh my goodness, I relate so much to this all! I’ve actually been really struggling at work especially in the last few weeks and have felt really down about being so assertive, because I’ve been told it hurts people. It’s relieving to see this because it has reminded me of what I already know: I’m actually just different and People don’t like it when women take on strong roles. Not that I’m trying to justify terrible behavior, but just that it’s not actually terrible.

[@notafanaccountiswear3560]

I was starting a nonprofit with some friends, and I was extremely passionate about what we were doing. I wanted so badly to get things done and expand our membership, but it just felt like no one around me felt the same. I often argued about what our next steps should be, and I was told by everyone that I was bossy, trying to take over, always fighting, INTIMIDATING (that one is the worse). Eventually I lost respect for their lack of communication and continue to stay apart of the organization out of formality. It pains the core of my being, and I can’t get out of it. This was inspiring.

[@ClearSummerSkies]

Thanks for the timecodes, Abbey!

[@AbbeyHowe]

ClearSummerSkies you’re welcome!

[@Hannahschannel]

Fun! I am an 8 w 7 and I love it! its a lot to manage but this personalist type has gotten me so far

[@Novemberized]

Q1 1:29 : I've been called many names for being true to myself and confident, and what I realised that everyone has a limit of accepting the other's confidence full point until they snap and feel intimidated. For example; Tom Boy! While I'm not, all I do is challenge and do my best to exceed my brothers (and yeah, I'm the best + eldest). Girls in ME got to be a flower dies if a tornado destroyed the other half of the planet, you need to be affected. Nosey? I do intervene a lot and do my magic on whatever topic they're talking about. And the most used one is: Heartless. Q2 3:24 : When I was a child and a teen I've been punished for my bossy side towards my brothers like dragging them from place to place or tell them that's not how you do it and tell them how. As a child I was pleading for a spotlight, to know I'm the favorable one. As a teen, doing the right thing and brag about it gave me sugar and spice from time to time. Once I'm an example of a perfect leader sister and the next is "needy" wft ? I am not needy, I know my place and it's up there. Still the same but on everyone except pregnant ladies 😂 they should be left alone, they have enough to deal with. Q3 4:26 : Whatever that ticks me off? I stand up for it !!! There are a lot of things! But what's repeatedly happening with me is going with my guts, no one trusts their guts nowadays apparently (in my life), because I'm not alone and people are bugging and pressuring me to take a step, I go the other way and get what I want how I want it. That bugs the hell out of them!! It is kind of fun. Q4 5:16 : Go getter, Solid, saddest aspirationalist (I don't get to take by force what is rightfully humanely mine like going out; park, beach, new place they opened up, try new restaurants maybe) the best thing I'd willingly risk my life to be called again numerous of times is Brave⭐. Q5 6:26 : No, never. If I lessened myself then others might too, lucky for me I'm not good with settling in with words at the end, threats or fights are more like me. Q6 8:35 : I don't know any male 8s. We would be great friends tho, with boundaries and understanding what we like and dislike to talk about each other. Q7 9:17 : The word NO doesn't effect us especially me. I LOVE twisting rules and sometimes break them, maybe change them to what is best. When starting the day I notice that my energy is repressed from when what I wanted do and if I don't get my way then things won't be pretty.

[@lsnjnsn]

Yes, this helps a lot as a mom of an 8 daughter. Thanks Abbey. Well presented.

[@AbbeyHowe]

Glad it was helpful!

[@dominiquecowens2826]

This is such a great video! I can say as a female 3 that I can relate to type 8 women when it comes to being more aggressive by nature. Although I'm not "Aggressive aggressive" I am highly competitive and LOVE to win! My drive to win and be the best has not always been looked at as valuable. I too have felt the need to "tone down" for the sake of getting along. 🙄

[@joaniejorash7201]

Michelle from Leanne & Michelle!! Love seeing your girls collaborate.

[@AbbeyHowe]

I love them!!

[@girusaurio]

Wow! This video is awesome. Of course I shared to my beloved 8 female friend

[@AbbeyHowe]

Thanks for sharing!! ♥️

[@joharanabee]

So.. I am a woman who grew up with an 8 as a parent (dad, not mom).. and I do think that while I can empathize with the gender issue, the the intimidating, aggressive and rude nature that unhealthy eights can exhibit runs across genders, and can have real psychological impacts on the people around you. Aggression and rudeness towards the people in your life is never acceptable, and I know personally that I have actually developed really bad anxiety from being patrented by an unhealthy 8. If someone says they're afraid of you, take it seriously, especially if it's an employee or child, spouse or someone you have power over or are close. You may actually be causing that person real pain, and you are not the victim in this situation. I am a 1, and I feel like a lot of the control issues that I have come out of not able to control the level of aggression in my house

[@emilybaker6193]

My brother is an unhealthy 8 and I completely agree... I had severe anxiety growing up with him... he also abused alcohol and drugs which made the situation worse.. I finally had to go no contact bc it was so emotionally damaging to me... I didn't even know who I was bc I was doing things to keep peace (I'm a 9) instead of figuring out what I wanted in life. Unhealthy relationships are toxic whether your female or Male, whether your an ennegram 8 or a different number..

[@remoteworkpixie]

An 8 here! Came across this video and kudos to the other type 8 ladies. It was very challenging journey since childhood but also has achieved great things outside the comfort zone. At one point I changed myself to be a people pleaser with a fear of saying No. Thereafter, I accept myself for what I am and started to reject things against my authority. It aligned and started to make boundaries with others. Power to 8 ladies 💜

[@NezzyG18]

I'm tied between 8 and 1... Ultimate my 1 is slightly higher...none the less. This video was on point. Please know I appreciate the fact that you brought in the positive side of 8s too. Great addition to this video.

[@CosmicFox808]

I want to be friends with an 8 . That kind of honesty is SO refreshing!

[@hayleykim6609]

I'm female and an 8. Your video makes me understand myself and give me a courage to being a female type 8. Thank you❤

[@AbbeyHowe]

You got this!

[@BookWorm2369]

honesty is kindness. our hearts are big for those who deserve it. We stick up for those who are vulnerable, marginalized, neglected, or underrepresented. Someone with a huge ego won't get that warmth and compassion because we don't feed egos!!

[@sparklefulpaladin]

As a female (most likely type 5), I also run into a lot of these problems and they are very relatable, especially when it's in an arena where I'm comfortable around the people there. The comment about the youth pastor and losing respect for them was SO relatable for me. Thank you so much for sharing and making this video. To any 8 out there (or even people with strong tendencies of 8s), I love how honest you can be and some of my favorite memories have included the "passionate debate" with others (probably some of them are 8s?).

[@AliTwaij]

This was very helpful. Thankyou very much. God bless you sister.

[@cherigodina9716]

What I think about when I watch this video is developing into the women I have become and not understanding myself. Not understanding that I am okay. I didn’t choose this life, this life chose me. I used to think that. I have tried to bring myself down, to not be so overbearing. I didn’t know that it’s who I am to the core that has all of these powerful traits. I remember speaking to a previous manager of mine who was trying to coach me around my direct communication. Telling me it comes across poorly to tell her directly what needs to be done. I was so confused. I just asked... do you want me to use prettier words or how would you like me to communicate and convey exactly what I mean. Now I know, I am not combative, argumentative, disrespectful, and heartless. Instead, I seek to understand, address, and bring resolve. There’s so much more I could say but I sure wish I understood myself growing into the women I am and never knew I always was.

[@courtneyarchambo2571]

I love this! I was told I was an "8" by a surgeon I work with; she knew before I did!!! It is so helpful to hear these women speak and better understand who I am. I do not want to water myself down!!!

[@chjangounchained]

omg this is so cathartic hearing other 8w7 women's experiences because it sometimes feels like a lonesome journey of me vs world

[@heatherbruce1668]

This was SO affirming....have always felt like odd person out!! These are my people ❤❤❤

[@kathyodonnell6405]

Very interesting, I think they should change the title to the challenge with... I don’t see being an 8 a problem. More of an asset. I will say that I have learned to be softer in my approach to other women and to smile more in my conversations so when I’m being ‘direct’ (whatever that means, as if there’s another way to say what you’ve got to say) people are more receptive to the message.

[@user-kd1lp4sv7k]

As an ENFJ 8w7, I agree I'm bossy and assertive and B word, Although thanks to my ENFJ traits, I can sweetly operate my 8 traits. And yes, I've been called bold, brave, inspirator. Constructive and true criticism is the only type of criticism I take seriously. Btw great video! 💙

[@Someonemkln]

Me too I’m enfj 8w9

[@carolinemanley9216]

My best mom friend is an 8 and I love her so much. She’s not bossy just a boss. She’s the most confident person I know and I am so appreciative of her and all that she is.

[@nanikoreoyaoya7677]

We need to start a community for 8 ladies to support each others from all over the world. We’re the most misinderstood and thought provocating female types. I know all of you have dealt with trust issue just like mine. Tho, i’m still strggling to be in romantical relatioship due to fear of being betrayed. I have deep past truma which i can’t let it go. I’m thinking about going to psychology session but idk if it’s worth. I’m skeptical they can’t understand me enough.

[@terityler3659]

Hi Abbey. I love your enneagram videos! My daughter suggested that I take the enneagram test and I thought that I was a 7 before taking the test. The test indicated that I'm an 8w7. I didn't believe it so I took the test again and got the same results. It's true that I'm a free spirit/nonconformist and I can relate to your video.🙂 Thank you!

[@Rmartinezvqz1020]

Thank you for sharing this video! It helps to feel that I’m not the only one being called all those negative names including cruel. Also the more we 8s ladies show to the world that we are not intimidated by their comments the better the world would understand us.

[@altheaarchives96]

I can't speak truth because I don't like unnecessary conflicts, I only speak truth to someone I love, even if it costs conflicts. If someone really asking for my opinion, then I would speak from the bottom of my heart, the truth. I think I'm 8w9

[@elmondo-s1e]

Wow this is cool. I’ve only very recently learned about the enneagram and think it’s super useful! I think I’m 8w9, but in my youth, before I really realised how much other people misunderstand us, I was bossy, opinionated, argumentative, blunt, a bitch, the lot. The number of times I had friends in high school tell me later in the friendship that before they got to know me they were intimidated by me... intention is everything and people just don’t intuitively understand female type 8’s intent when she digs into the grit of life, and don’t have the wisdom to try and ask before assuming she wants a fight. I have inadvertently turned myself into an opinion-less mouse just to keep the peace and keep everyone around me happy, and struggled with mental health for the last few years but no more. I’m me so why should I actively try to mute myself. Thank you for this wonderful video 🥰

[@bellafarias8025]

I’ve never met any other female type 8’s I really appreciate this video it’s so helpful thank you so much for helping me feel less alone :)

[@esmelee5306]

So proud of being an 8!

[@nataliafranco956]

You should do this for each enneagram (6 here) I think it’s good to hear other people similar to you.

[@AbbeyHowe]

good idea, Natalia!

[@shadow_reading_-]

As an 8W9, I've been triggered by the second question:'Have you ever been punished or pushed down because of my 8 qualities.' It's a surprise to know that the anger is still there and those wounds still so fresh. Adults can't rescue their past, we only become more aggresive because of it.

[@patriciabell8002]

I can relate to every. Single. Element. Thank you!! 👍👍👍

[@AbbeyHowe]

Patricia Bell thank YOU for watching!! 💕

[@yebovay]

*omg i CAN relate* i really hope i find more people who likes me being truthful with them the only thing i still don’t get is why everybody call me aggressive when i’m not🗿

[@llacebron]

Loved it ! I am an 8 and it is hard !! I have been called manly or masculine so many times .... Thanks for the video 💜