The Reason You Keep Dating People That Don't Make You Happy (Anxious Preoccupied) | Shadow Work

[@lisa4cohen]

I’m FA with a strong AP flip flop and this is so true yet so alarming .. my father was an addict and made me feel so unsafe as a kid and my last relationship with an alcoholic DA was beyond triggering and heart breaking .. although he is now recovered we r no longer .. but thanks to you Thais I am working so so hard at becoming secure .. grateful ❤

[@alainpatry]

Hi Lisa! I support you :)

[@lisa4cohen]

@@alainpatry my magical friend ♥️ I appreciate you !!

[@sherriflemming3218]

An interesting podcast is We Are Attracted To The Familiar by Coach Craig Kenneth psychotherapist.

[@SinaLaJuanaLewis]

I have had to distance myself from the friends that I used to have. There were a ton of inconsistencies and just disrespectful behavior too. Now I'm spending a lot of time alone because I reject anyone who is a red flag

[@roshalllambert]

It’s interesting how the traits that trigger us the most are the exact things we do to ourselves!

[@brookelight2090]

Subconsciously, It could be what our parents do to us as well, not necessarily what we do to ourselves

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

I broke up with my FA today. I'm feeling sad...

[@tammy6452]

From you I am learning to focus on myself...never thought it would be so difficult but also so rewarding. Right now I get to enjoy the freedom of not having to pull myself out of yet one more distraction disaster of dating when I was not ready.

[@mathews0618]

On another note, once you start doing those things for yourself, the person you dated becomes unattractive

[@shebutter3195]

At 39 years old in this crazy world it seems that I just need to be alone and not have to worry about men showing up with their mask on and then really showing you who they are after you’re already invested. I’m AP and keep attracting the emotional unavailable man. Sad

[@ragepig1059]

We're competing for a very small number of good ones, great majority of men are simply trash

[@annaynely]

Hurray for Thais Gibson!!!!!!

[@PassionateFlower]

I'm here because my parents effed me up and now I can't stop picking effed up partners.

[@marisaharris298]

"It changes the entire trajectory of our life." 🤯That is some other world, next level, The Matrix, revelation. Except right here, right now.

[@cereal_qilla]

Attachments really do it’s crazy watch ur company

[@saharaofthedeep]

I feel like its useful to note that these people are not necessarily just "showing up" in their external reality, but that its also just what they're attracted to. I think AP's often overlook people who actually wanna be there for them, and if they don't overlook them, it just never works because they're only attracted to the people who act the way people act when they're gonna dismiss them or reject them.

[@truthsmiles]

It's so funny to read this... my DA ex broke up with me 3 months ago, and for most of it I've been an absolute wreck. BUT, who has shown up and been extremely supportive and willing to talk to me every day? My _previous_ ex from 10 years ago, who (I think) is AP like me, but leaning more secure. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I ended that relationship because she wasn't "interesting" enough. In retrospect, huge mistake haha. She's now engaged to a great, lucky guy, and I'm just lucky to have her as a friend.

[@annstar2793]

It’s really hard to change how you treat yourself

[@lilove6560]

If I prioritize myself, will I attract someone that prioritizes themselves, or will they prioritize me? 🤔

[@cereal_qilla]

How much you prioritize yourself is a spectrum from healthy self prioritization (secure) to unhealthy self prioritization (DA). So keep it on a healthy balance and you will seek someone who has the same Healthy balance

[@meeraraj0]

We attract the same archetype of the karmic patterns we carrying. These patterns get hooked into our system. They become stronger. When patterns become intense it's master saying OK its time now to get out of it. To break it. When the student is ready the teacher or master appears. 🙏🏽

[@annaynely]

An amazing webinar The most efficient way to heal FA attachment !!!!!

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Now it's about using tools to break those subconscious patterns so you can feel secure again :)

[@luum8573]

Can you pleaaaaase do a video on situationships with Fearful Avoidants? I'm DA myself and had a really unhealthy dynamic with an FA. We were friends first and got into a friends with benefits situation. I had a very awkward "what are we" talk and suggested dating, he refused. So I went no contact. I tried to set boundaries more than once. I went no contact for 3 times but each time he came around after a few months to rekindle things but soley to his terms. It was so confusing because we really had good and intimate conversations, sex and chemistry. But nothing around the frame of our relationship resembled that. This coming back again and again, I just couldn't wrap my head around it, why it needed to be dramatic instead of dating. I had a really tough time explaining to my friends that we indeed shared a connection somehow, but it never got anywhere near commitment. They labeled him an idiot and that was it. I ended the situation (hopefully) for good for one and a half years. Back then, we met each other for a time span of four months. He had an upcoming quite severe depression due to suppressing several issues. Although talking a lot about his mental health, he did it in a way that revealed almost nothing about his real issues, I'd have a tough time naming what his problems are.

[@brookelight2090]

Sorry to hear that. Maybe Thais can explain it. I always hear how DA tortured a FA, never heard the other way around. Yours is unique

[@jarretthardcastle]

Sounds like he just wanted sex and none of the emotional connection.

[@luum8573]

Btw the on and off "relationship" lasted for 2 years in total. Just the last time we "dated" was for four months.

[@howtosober]

"No contact" is for yourself. If you use it as a tactic to manipulate another person- especially an FA, who has a heightened sensitivity to being manipulated and resents the hell out of anyone that tries, you're never going to get a healthy response. You're supposed to withdraw from contact in order to get in touch with why you never set boundaries in the first place and let something be a situationship that could have been clearly established at the beginning. You also use no contact to get perspective on what it is you really want moving forward. Situationships only happen when you sleep with someone too soon without setting clear boundaries for yourself and making sure you have clarity with the other person about what you're doing. and why. Once you get intimately involved with someone it's really hard to walk that back to a dating-and-vetting stage and have another person see you as relationship material, especially if the person feels like they're being manipulated. Since DAs are categorically indirect and passive aggressive, it's pretty much a guarantee that the other person feels that from you. FAs enjoy connection but they resent people trying to maneuver them into things covertly. I'd recommend focusing less on this person and more on healing your DA attachment system. Then you'll learn how to set yourself up for success from the beginning.

[@luum8573]

@@howtosober I've never used no contact as a way to manipulate someone. It started like friends with benefits and back then I couldn't see him as someone I could date. My priorities shifted however, and I communicated that I wanted to date him. He refused to date me. I couldn't stay friends with him and I couldn't continue this situationship therefore no contact was the most honest thing I could do.

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

Thank you for this video, it is an eye opener for me as an AP person with a DA partner.

[@meeraraj0]

Thank you. 🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@meeraraj0]

You explained so kindly, thank you😢

[@amin11117]

Wow, mindblowing.

[@sophiafara5997]

I like the ideas you gave, it's helpful

[@gulliver7419]

Thais, why is it that all your discussions are about romantic relationships. Not everyone has them and sometimes people battle with friendships and there seems to be nothing about that on your channel (if there is, I have missed them).

[@kmh79831]

Probably bc romantic relationships are the most triggering for most people and she can't do every single scenario that people might be going thru. And also probably assumes that we all know that whatever subject she's doing a video on can be applied to most situations people go thru even if you might have to tweak it just a little to fit your needs.

[@cereal_qilla]

Her oldest videos are not about romantic relationships and they are the most helpful in my opinion … go back to her early early videos

[@amandaforrester7636]

Try Crappy Childhood Fairy, she has some videos on friendship, work, etc.

[@saharaofthedeep]

You should make a video about why an anxious preoccupied might reject an avoidant person. I'm a FA and I seem to always get rejected by APs. They confuse me. They seem so into me but then they aren't, and to make matters more confusing, I seem to be a DA magnet. I am realizing all of my closest and longest relationships have been with DA's. I don't realize they observe me at arms length for so long and then suddenly they want to bring me into their lives and I'm like how is it that these people who are so warm, funny, and seemingly desperate don't want anything from me and then the cold, private, dismissive people are in it for the long haul? I don't get it.