Why You Keep Dating The People Who Trigger You Most (Fearful Avoidant) | Shadow Work & Reparenting

[@DD-ic1bd]

What I've learned is.. some people bring out the best in us, and some bring out the worst. We should constantly strive to become healthy and secure, but some people are just not a good match! Besides good chemistry, being compatible on inportant views and values is essential to more harmony. Ive really seen this recently in the dating world. I have been a lot better at pre-screening/filtering out those who I'm not compatible in key areas, and the peace, relaxation and enjoyment has been so wonderful. Doesn't mean every person is the one... but you will have less triggers and hostility... Don't try and force a square into a circle!! Best to you all in your journey! Xoxo

[@SS-in1ts]

I’m realizing this too rather than blaming, I’m realizing that I also overreacted because his silence triggered me, I contributed to the issue and I don’t think I can stop with chronic silence. Each time gets more triggering after staying calm and understanding for a lot of the time, sometimes I just need to be consoled too and I just don’t think I can be happy with an avoidant due to the anxiety it causes me which I’m not able to manage.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

What's clear to me from this video is that we attract & get in relationships with people who match our subconscious comfort zone. So we always have influence over our relationships. Very interesting :)

[@ek3415]

I’m currently dating a DA and all I can say is it feels like ur dating someone who constantly rejects u. After getting back together and picking up from not speaking, he has admitted now that we r rebuilding that he doesn’t know what he wants surrounding us. But the day before said he needs me in his life. That volatility triggers my abandonment issues and adds to my lack of trust, being an FA, and it’s makes it hard for me to be patient and responsive. I wonder sometimes why I’ve picked someone who reaffirms all my biggest worries.

[@jamesgraves9858]

Yeah I dealt with that. I remember once when I was talking to my ex she slipped up and said she missed me and loved me more than I know but then the next day she said she was tired and her "heart took over her mind." LOL They can be very difficult. Anyone saying it's easy, they're lying. You are at the mercy of their emotions and if you're not at the mercy of them, they'll question YOUR feelings. Either way, it's a minefield

[@kristamartin186]

Opf, this video really hit me. Having had previous significant relations cheat on me, i recognise now there were elements of me people-pleasing and poor boundaries that enabled this to happen, i had cheated on myself first. Looking forward to doing the shadow work course soon.

[@mistypfitzer111]

Thank you for all the incredibe & hard work u do 2 provide us all with such high -value content, & for continuing to make it accessible for EVERYONE! It's so rare nowadays, to find a GOOD, educational, informational, online, resource, that isnt locked behind a pay wall, so I appreciate that the quality of the content u still make available for free to us here, is equivalent to the quality of the content that is offered in PDS!! 🙌😊👏📚📝

[@kestra6264]

I was an active subscriber for a long time; since my first breakup. When I felt I already moved on, I would only watch your videos occasionally, albeit rarely. I thought my vast knowledge for attachment style would stop my triggers when it comes to dating the next person. I was wrong. Today, I learned a new concept from this video about Shadow Work and how I have to notice how I trigger my own core wounds. I should be paying attention to how I don't subconsciously meet my own needs. Because if I don't, I'll have the tendency to find other people that trigger those unmet needs.

[@JAS50008]

All of this resonates. But why do these people then show up differently with other people? So they’re capable of being different, they just won’t for you.

[@lisalee6501]

I’m attracting men who seem really nice and interested but over and over i find out that they are being deceiving because they want to sleep with me, and then change personality after sex (and then come back all nice and «regretful» but of course i don’t get fooled twice by the same person). I’m always being myself and don’t see or feel the need to be deceiving because i don’t see the point in acting like your something your not, if i’m nice to you i’m going to continue being nice to you as long as your a nice person yourself. So i don’t feel like my attraction towards these men is about myself. Although in the past i used to choose emotionally unavailable men because i was so myself, but now i am, so i even lose all interest in men who’s not emotionally available and think they’re boring and a waste of my time

[@poboy8490]

Why wouldn't you just abstain from sex for a long time into the relationship then? If sex is all people want from you, then just be direct from the very start and tell them you're celibate. Sure, some may just see it as a challenge and they'll want you even more... But I imagine most will move on to the next one if all they want is sex. You have to mean it though. They will see right through you if you try to bullshit them.

[@lisalee6501]

I’ve tried that, it ended up with a few men putting me up on a pedestal as this perfect and innocent woman and it made me really anxious and like it wasn’t a real connection but based on a lie. And them expecting too much. did sleep with my ex on the first date and it ended in a longterm relationship, perhaps my only encounter with true love. I think it’s more scary to wait, it’s going to hurt more being deceived after 20 dates then 3. i do see your point though and appreciate your tip about this.

[@SS-in1ts]

Maybe they aren’t really trying to just sleep with you but get triggered when things get more real. This happens to me no matter how long I wait to sleep with my partner. 6-10 months later they’re no longer committed but do the hot and cold thing. It’s exhausting. I’m learning what red flags are and what a secure individual acts like.

[@lisalee6501]

@S S could be, it is strange how they make a point out of ignoring me straight after and then ask me out on a coffe sober in the middle of the day months later and like all my pictures. I do prefer that over those who straight out ghost after sex though, it hasn’t happen often but it was so painful i’m always on fight or flight after first time being intimate now and just waiting for something painful to happen. Smart to think and learn how a secure person would act, then you know what’s right or not when in doubt. And i’m sorry you’ve experienced men going cold after waiting long (and short for that matter(

[@poboy8490]

@@lisalee6501 what do you mean? If they're weird like that, then just move on. 🤷 Abstain, and keep it moving if they're weird. Also, consider that there's a possibility that it's your own insecurity with yourself, and that maybe you are actually allowed to be perfect and innocent in the eyes of another. 🤷 I've lost chances with someone because she seemed afraid of how I idealized her. She is ashamed of how promiscuous she's been, etc.. It's s her guilt and low self-esteem that keeps us apart. Sure, you could say it's my fault we're not together, and it's my obligation to dial back the idealisation in order to cater to her insecurities, but I can't help it. I knew from the second I saw her 🤷 Not saying your situation is the same, but something to consider. It might not feel like a "real connection" because it's only flowing one way... because of you. Food for thought. Can't force yourself to love and respect someone though

[@kuttzgamez9654]

Thank you so much for making this video. As usual,your videos seem to come at the right time. I wanted so much to know why I keep attracting DAs on average. It still goes without saying that I’d like someone who seemed into me as much as I am. It’s just so unpredictable, dangerous even. It hurts a lot and makes me feel unlovable and defective. I’m glad that I knew that there was something in me that makes me gravitate toward those who would trigger me,UNINTENTIONALLY,for the most part. I hold no resentment to DAs even if they tend to trigger me the most,but in all fairness,I’m sure I triggered them too. A lot of the time I just want to show my love to someone,let them know how much I care about them.

[@roshalllambert]

Sadow work is one of my favorite tool in PDS!

[@It_was_all_a_dream]

Thanks Thais. Really good video. I can see how me not honouring my feelings and voicing how I really feel (learnt behaviour growing up), shows up in external relationships. I’m doing the inner work and learning more healthy behaviours and your videos really help 🙏❤

[@Mandance]

I think the hardest thing about being FA is how can we actually be into someone secure? I find it’s easy now to no longer put up with people not choosing me but I still feel like I’m never into available people.

[@johnmaus4408]

Hello Thais, I have had email service issues and could not enter. Your vids and content are truly amazing and have moved my " needle" more than any other after reading dozens of books and other resources. I tell people all the time about you to the point they are tired of hearing about PDS. I have noticed a trend that Bob is the guy you seem to use as an example often. 🙂 your approach to teaching including "root cause" then how to move on is so encouraging. So many sources approach by finger pointing with the result of partners blaming and running instead of taking personal responsibility. I have unfortunately experienced this. I was unable to enter unfortunately but do desire to join PDS. I have also become " addicted,obsessed " with PDS and the content. Thankyou for what you do.

[@yuiitodoro7791]

Feels weird being the first to be here on the comments Other than the video, I mostly look forward to the comments under it ,so no comments to read tdy😶

[@howtosober]

I'm obsessively checking my inbox!!! Even a 6-months membership would be a lifesaver for me. It's so hard trying to heal intense FA attachment and CPTSD from KZbin videos alone. I hope I didn't misunderstand how to submit myself for consideration? The website just asks for an email address, it doesn't ask for a share, but you just said "We had so many vulnerable shares." I'm confused?

[@raquelrpj]

Thank you Thais, that was really helpful

[@gregorystinette8271]

I'm never " triggered " by my dog. Shalom

[@ttinkers1062]

My dog triggers me but she never talks back and she’s the best cuddler.

[@andreeanasca8216]

how about choosing volatile people? Where am I volatile with myself? Is this about where I don`t regulate my emotions?

[@edgreen8140]

Andreaea -Excellent self reflection in your shadow.

[@careitina1412]

I see your wrote this question 11 months ago,me as FA,I wondered the same,but didn't find the answer yet,could you share if you came to a conclusion ? Thank you

[@amandaharris7205]

This works! ❤️

[@aliamacintyre483]

Very irrelevant to the topic but I just wanted to say your makeup in your most recent videos has become so complementing to your features and you’ve definitely found your best look, tones, shades and lip colour. You look stunning :)

[@poboy8490]

I absolutely can't stand the makeup. It literally makes these vids hard to watch. I'm so curious what she actually looks like

[@spikygreen]

@@poboy8490 Sounds like something you might need to work on, lol :D

[@poboy8490]

@@spikygreen maybe 🤷

[@TheRumpelstinskin]

I won a bonus gift ;)

[@jarretthardcastle]

Because it feels familiar.

[@nickandrews2255]

Exactly

[@nickandrews2255]

Such a interesting feeling, really is

[@chloekleffner294]

What if you attract addicts but you are sober?😩

[@yuiitodoro7791]

I have a doubt , how to identify what attachment style I have , if I am never been in a relationship before ? And I think I am FA from my firnrdhips ,but cause of the above mentioned factor , I dont feel so sure about it

[@shubikl9826]

Just from how you think or imagine a relationship: would you like it to be super passionate/intense all the time? Do you think there is « the one »? If you partner become mushy or very clingy, would you like it or would you lose respect for them? If so, you’re an FA. For ex. Try to imagine your ideal relationship

[@hayleemoran-rowen8306]

On her website there’s a quiz you can take to see what your attachment style is!❤️❤️

[@syedarumpa7013]

Can you answer my question??