Who The Dismissive Avoidant Dates & Why They Attract Specific Partners | Shadow Work

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Overcoming Unworthiness by Understanding and Accepting your Shadow
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In this video, I'll walk you through a quick exercise that will allow you to see the reasons dismissive avoidants keep attracting the same type of partners.
As a dismissive avoidant attachment style, have you ever wondered why you keep attracting the same types of people into your life. Why do you think that is?
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:26 - Step #1: Think of Your Last 3 Relationships
00:01:59 - Step #2: Write Down Top Behaviours
00:02:25 - Step #3: Shadow Work
00:04:17 - Step #4: Create a Strategy
00:04:21 - 7-Day Free Trial
00:05:30 - Conclusion
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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[@roshalllambert]

Wowww I loved the line "DAs feels misunderstood because the don't take the time to understand themselves and communicate"

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

And if they do, they are often motivated more in the direction to stay DA than to become SA. This is part of the problem. Motivation for change can be VERY low and the AA or other person is trying to motivate them. One of the best motivators for any kind of change is to set boundaries and walk away. If losing you isn't enough of a motivator then you know it would've never worked anyway. Staying is enabling.

[@riyajacob2909]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 . Staying means there's a trauma bond that needs healing within you.🙏🏼❤️

[@roshalllambert]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 Actually I am a recovering DA who has become Secure. I was just pointing this line out because it resonated with me as one of the last stages of healing I am working on is communication. So this statement was insightful for me.

[@SK-no2pp]

subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.

[@HeyitsJade]

I’m struggling with this right now. I’m an FA and I’ve been in a 4 year situationship with a DA. He doesn’t want to commit and I told him I don’t want to go into 2023 still uncommitted. Consciously I know I deserve commitment but subconsciously it’s hard to let go

[@jamesgraves9858]

Leaving is tough. Staying is tougher.

[@livinspiredhealingarts7326]

Whatever it is you're trying to get from a DA, make sure you're giving/etting it from yourself first. Commit to yourself. Take the focus off of him and live your life. Do what brings you joy without him. Maybe he'll join you after he realizes you're fine without him. Maybe he won't. Either way, you'll be living your best life and moving closer towards someone who is willing and able to commit to living it with you.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

After that much time it's time to let go. Don't wait for him. He's already decided long ago that he won't give you what you want. DA's can prefer a position of power like this because they don't get rejected. You won't unlock this on your own. Stop the addiction of proving your worth.

[@pareidoliarocks]

​​@@dr.jenniferma3914 and DA will think "See, it's a good thing we didn't get more serious, or have kids and stuff! I knew when she kept threatening to leave... it's a good thing I protected myself. You just can't drop your guard and trust someone!" This is heartbreaking...

[@thecurrentmoment]

4 years for a situation ship is way too long, you should have got him to commit to a proper relationship after 3-6 months or so. Definitely within a year. Allowing yourself to not be clear on where you stand for 4 years is not a great idea. Imagine having a trial period or temporary contract at a job to see how things go for 4 years! You need a proper permanent contract within the year, for sure. Marriage can come later, but to not even be in a relationship yet after 4 years is something you definitely shouldn't let happen

[@meeraraj0]

I didn't attract or bring him. He kept writing me saying we have a deeper connection etc etc. Till I started engaging then he got cold. The good that came out of it is i discovered pstd related attachment wounds

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Also sometimes there's an unwillingness to tend more closely to dynamics that are asking to be healed but the avoidant avoids that opportunity. To slow down and pause, look more closely and listen more deeply. I know someone who didn't understand my thinking and they assumed I was being antagonistic when I wasn't. It was just another angle of focus on a layer of what's true and or possible. The DA I was close with is so confusing with mixed messages. Warm and loving and vulnerable and then the next day or next time see them they are cold distant shut down. That incongruity doesn't feel emotionally safe to FA.

[@TheFlamingScarlet]

It doesn't feel safe to anyone

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@TheFlamingScarlet It's way less than what anyone deserves.

[@bushrakhan7204]

I think I'm an avoidant in a relationship, I initially like the attention someone gives me, but I easily get cringed out if someone gets super attached and I have a certain set of "expectations" placed on me. It's like, whenever I enter a relationship, I already make up my mind that we'll be breaking up after a point. But the anxious-avoidant relationship troupe isn't really what I experienced in my last relationship. Also, I have a history of being attracted to people who are emotionally distant, have slight anger issues, and won't ever get too attached to me so I will have to "earn" their affection. And I think it has something to do with my daddy issues. My father has major anger issues, if he shows emotions than it need to be a really rare occasion. And pursuing such men might be subconsciously following the same pattern in which I'll have to "prove my worth". Anger, outbursts, fights, that I can handle, this is more familiar than emotions such as love or care. This makes me feel attracted to toxic men who will probably treat me like trash and push away from nice, kind people because I've never experienced that kind of love. As they say, "We accept the love we think we deserve".

[@SS-in1ts]

I think a lot of people feel that way in the beginning. That’s what I’ve heard anyway, taking a leap of faith is scary but doesn’t mean your avoidant.

[@zeedo666]

I have been watching Tais' videos for about a year and I've read her "Attachment Theory" book as well. Her content is so insightful! It helped me understand many things about the relationship dynamics and why I keep falling into the same traps. Hopefully, if I could win the contest, it would help me learn to create secure relationships and improve my communication skills. So far, Thais is the best source I've got to follow suit when it comes to putting things in words when I have to communicate my boundries or needs without coming across as too harsh for another person. Keep doing your great job!

[@blainebowe6917]

Thais has a book??!?!?

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

And it's not always about Logic. It's Beyond that. Logic is not where healing is. It's about heart, spirit and soul. It may even be beyond subconscious. Could be past life repair or ancestral/spirit guided. Something larger. But I understand most people aren't attuned to that so working with subconscious is more practical with tools for transformation. I also feel like sometimes the tools and solutions may be simpler than people realize.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

What are the tools?

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 Thais gives so many tools for subconscious reprogramming. For example if we have a certain thought pattern default, from core would beliefs, we can list and bring to mind the opposite of that and where it shows up in our lives. There are tools for scripting in terms of how to respond with empathy or express needs in a way that doesn't make the other person wrong. There are many tools and sometimes if both people lean in and tend instead of avoid, and both take accountability for their part, they can try on a few things within a certain time frame. Sometimes just a few "small" changes in mindful responsiveness and practicing new choices, can shift the dynamic. I've always been on a search for tools in many areas of life. Studying Mindful Compassionate Dialogue wasn't enough, though that is amazing too. Learning about attachment styles with how through Thais is has given some key levels of Understanding and support for transformation.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Interesting how we're usually an active participant in our relationship dynamics eh :)

[@Pixel_Man229]

I’m a DA who has never dated anyone in my life. Because I feel like people only want to be with me to try and take from me. Taking my “me” time, my energy, my attention, my affection, and my love for themselves. I don’t know how to handle affection. How to give it. How to receive it. I feel that I just wanna cry all the time. I want to love. But, I don’t know how to. All I know how to do is hurt. And, I don’t wanna hurt anyone 😢

[@anewlifestirring]

As usual a very precious and helpful presentation that avoids seeing avoidant partners as insensitive people but as people suffering from their faulty attachment styles. Rather than considering ourselves as attracting or being attracted to avoidant partners, we can consider avoidant partners as having a common purpose: that of stopping in the doorway but reluctant to take the risk of coping with the natural challenges of life once having crossed the doorstep

[@yuiitodoro7791]

I am loving this shadow content 😉

[@happysinger23]

Actually in my experience, I meet DA who understands themselves more than the AA I've met. They just don't have the capacity for the vulnerability it requires to communicate that in relationship with others.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

It's also about motivation. When I talk to DAs they can't fathom ever being "needy" in a relationship. They'd just rather not go there.

[@pareidoliarocks]

As a DA, I can say that he is/or will be literally dying to connect with someone, anyone someday. It's very hard to change even when motivated to. Especially in a long term relationship with long established patterns of behavior and the world built over time. It almost feels like you are forced to start fresh with new people not affected by the old me. That would be very damaging to a great many lives, so what does one do?

[@howtosober]

Heal. One heals. :) I've had horrible experiences with DAs and a ton of resentment against them to slog through. That being said, this channel is a godsend for all of us, and Thais repeatedly says she has tons of DAs in the school healing to secure attachment. It's not a life sentence. You can and do deserve better.... just do the work.

[@pareidoliarocks]

@@howtosober true enough. I've done a buttload of work, more needed I'm sure. I'm speaking to something like the husband who never brings flowers suddenly shows up with half the floral shop. Any marked change in behavior arouses suspicion in the best of us. I guess you just keep trudging through the mistrust headlong.

[@couch_philosoph3325]

You need to be gentle with yourself, only then will you be able to be gentle with others as well. If you feel like you have hurt people in the past, nothing prohibts you from reaching out and apologizing. I know it helped me when a guy i dated that was very DA reached out years afterwards and apologized. Otherwise, know that your behaviours and reactions are a trauma response. Your inner child doesn't know any better. You deserve a healthy connection to yourself and your feelings ❤ if once you hurt others, own it and apologize. Explain to them why you act the way you do. I promise, people will be way less hurt when they understand it doesn't come from a place of wanting to hurt.

[@pareidoliarocks]

@couch_philosoph Thank you. I have and will continue to reach out to folks who i feel I've hurt. I also have taken on a role of helping folks understand the DA like behavior in others. I appreciate your taking the time and caring to reach out.

[@Courtney-vw5oi]

Little confused because I’m a DA and I attract men who treat me very well, and are very loving with how they communicate to me but I’m the opposite to myself. I have been working on being less critical of myself ~so lots of self sabotage inner dialogue. Not sure how that fits 🤔

[@zaria5785]

The men you attract may not show what attachment they are until later in a relationship. What you’re getting in the beginning stages is men trying to prove themselves that they can win you. You are probably very attractive and are pursued for the confidence you “show” but perhaps haven’t done the deep work to heal so that you allow some of these men to get to know you better. Sharing your insecurities is not what I’m talking about. Sharing your thoughts and ideas and beliefs and how you feel about what those men say or do for you will be challenging. That’s what I’m talking about. Give yourself time to heal. Make time for yourself to grow. If something doesn’t feel right be gentle with how you show up. Others won’t read our minds so communicate and express what you’re feeling as honesty and gently as you can.

[@howtosober]

This is such a trap for other attachment systems when we haven't had the awareness of how this works. Logically, you'd think DAs are perfect for each other and should just stick together. They can have their whole relationship living in separate rooms, scrolling their phones, never having sex and occasionally going to some intellectual gathering with a bunch of acquaintances. It's like the DA dream. If only it worked that way, nobody else would ever get hurt LOL. To be fair, DAs would probably say the same about the other attachment systems. On the surface, you'd think APs would be happiest with APs, FAs with FAs, etc. but for this pesky evolutionary obsession with "trait variety." Uggh, I fail to see an upside to this. I can't think of any benefit to getting into these opposite attachment relationships except hopefully you learn never to do it again. Seriously, the most direct path to healthy relationships is to heal your attachment system and find someone secure. At least, that's the path for me. I've lost enough time and energy already dealing with insecure attachment- mine and others'. I don't have the desire to do it anymore, even with all of the tools available to make insecure relationships work.

[@raeechil]

Oooff no two DAs don't make a right. It definitely teaches you A LOT but I had to break up with my mirror on terms of "if we heal we can try this again later" but you have to do the work. You dont really want to be alone in the relationship and it eats away at you but you also dont know how to do the whole relationship thing in general because you dont even have a healthy relationship with yourself. This is something I say and it's something I've heard my ex say when trying to be in a relationship with me and before we dated and he was seeing other people. "I'm trying to do the whole relationship thing again but it's not going well, maybe just the wrong person?" When we got in fights about him avoiding me "help Ive never done this relationship thing, I mean I have but I haven't. I dont know what I'm doing please help me." I've been single for almost 3 years since stopping that cesspool of avoidance. Just working on my relationship with myself so I have something to offer in a relationship and so I stop attracting men who treat me like a bro or a roommate. I absolutely love that kid, and it broke me to end things but it was my only option we were destroying each other. At the same time we were terribly comfortable with each other and everything the other has ever wanted.

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

Supposedly there are 50 percent secures, i think a lot less and as we age even less as secures tend to stick with there partners. So if your looking for a secure over the age of 35 your fuc@,ked, most pepple after this agecwho are left are insecure attachment types pairing up with each other and are miserable.

[@michaelr3025]

To me the dividing line is more around whether the other is self-aware and willing to work on themselves. As long as there's work and gradual healing happening, there's a lot of hope and progress to be expected. I care less about the underlying attachment style. Having now earnt a lot of secure base myself, I can carry an insecure person - as long as they also want to become more secure over time.

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

@@michaelr3025 DAs change at a 1 percent rate, its rare babe, im secure and been with one for 4 years and no hes will never change and never wants too.

[@SS-in1ts]

I would get so upset when I’d ask why he did something and he would say “I don’t know”. So it’s true that they don’t really know all the time. How sad.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

That's often a good breaking point. If someone repeatedly says, "I don't know" without a "and I'm going to find out why because you deserve an answer" it's time to walk away.

[@SS-in1ts]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 I’m just seeing this. Thank you for your support.

[@ChristineHarveyTKD]

Non-communication of feelings... so difficult. I'm not a mind-reader.

[@isolditaa]

I used to only attract avoidants (both DA and FA's) in the past, which caused me a lot of suffering. Beginning of this year I noticed that I now would somehow repel those who seemed avoidant, they would never get close enough for it to become a significant thing. Which seemed like a progress. But now instead seem to only be attracting anxiously attached into my life, which instead of suffering, is more of an annoying triggering feeling that dynamic evokes in me. I'm FA, normally leaning AP, tho have been feeling very emotionally exhausted this year might cause me to lean more towards DA. In terms of this video and shadow work, what does this shift mean? In how I show up towards myself. Is it good or bad, or in any type of way a progress?

[@cavelleardiel]

Can a DA be hyper sexual for connection but emotionally devoid for anything beyond that?

[@karinteeples9715]

Yes. A lot of the time.

[@gregorystinette8271]

My dog is a consistent source of companionship & love. Shalom

[@Getmeouttahere]

Is this similar to the "corrective emotional experience " or when we are drawn to dynamics that existed in childhood (especially if the relationship was dysfunctional)? Do you have to heal the relationship with that parent before you can heal? I recognize this in myself, but both parents have passed away. Can I do this work without making peace with parental component?

[@thecurrentmoment]

One thing you can do is to write a letter to them. That is often surprisingly effective, and works better than you'd think at first glance. It allows you to say everything you want to say to them (though obviously they can't talk back). You should write the letter coming from a place of gratitude, although I suppose you could also write a resentful letter or a regretful letter, etc if you wanted to explore other feelings about it. But in general one of love and gratitude is much better for completing relationships

[@stitchedalchemyplushdolls3453]

I don't believe you have to heal a relationship in order to make peace with it and move on. I think the biggest thing is recognizing the patterns that you experienced and identifying them as unhealthy. Making peace and forgiving doesn't have to include the other person, because sometimes even when the other person is still alive or part of our lives, they can refuse to do the work with us - it's about allowing yourself to move on. Accepting what happened, identifying what was unhealthy and what you didn't like, deciding you want and deserve better for yourself and gradually learning what it takes to create that vision for yourself. It takes time to figure these things out and rewrite old patterns of behaviour, but it's absolutely worth the effort. Wishing you the best! ❤

[@dentrout9383]

Gave 100 still do but No reciprocity. And I mean with everyone, Hetero, Romantic, Male, Femlae, platonic, family or friends

[@resueah7257]

Second!

[@needihelp]

I show up with too much empathy and understanding

[@needihelp]

Not sure I totally agree. I feel unheard but I hear my needs and wants and know what makes me happy or at peace. Which I could understand further

[@needihelp]

Hmmmm

[@haitiqueen0119]

Unfortunately many are looking for help out here not true love so with that being said, staying single for a while and allowing true love to find you is never a bad idea. A better version of yourself will always attract your tribe after all.

[@Erthangel000]

I think it’s important for everyone to be notified that her quizzes are not hard science. You need to look at a quiz that measures your overall temperament. Otherwise your stepping into some self help guru stuff that is not accurate.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

My thoughts as well. Do your own research.

[@Erthangel000]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 actually my therapist who I was working with told me this wasn’t scientific at all. Then gave me an alternate test from a university in the United States. I knew then that I couldn’t continue if I was being lied to. ( told your quiz was not accurate scientifically after working from it as a standard base) This new test showed me my attachment style and the members of my nuclear family and it is still in the process of research. I took you for someone with a little a little less hubris dr Jenniferma. Perhaps you should advertise in more of a truthful way and not so much on selling your courses. The “ spiritual self development school,” sounds fantastic. We all have shadow work to do including you. Hence, the self help guru. My attachment is in normal range on a graph of subjects used in a nuclear family setting. Other issues can easily trigger where one stands with this. This is a chance for you to open your wings and embrace richer content! It’s always wise to keep up with impermanence.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@Erthangel000 No I meant that we should all do our own research. I'm not sure where my hubris comes in. I was agreeing with you.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@Erthangel000 I'm not the course creator or content creator of this site.

[@heatherday1907]

So because of her voice.... I’m out