The Secret to Loving an Enneagram Type Five (5)

[@tjtj7161]

We are great in emergencies. We deal with emotions later, but immediately create a gameplan to come to the best conclusion we can after a traumatic event.

[@matchhead89]

Can I just say, a lot of five videos focus on how great it is for a five to be able to indulge in their interests with others. Can we also add “enjoys indulging in others interests?” There’s nothing more enticing to me when someone shows a GENUINE affection and interest in something and just rambles. I learned that recently, if you’re talking about something you love and enjoy without expecting too much of a response from me, my social battery either drains slower or is stagnant. I LOVE seeing other people’s interest in the world as well, and I like learning! Two birds, one stone!

[@Finding_Your_Way-z9y]

I think as a 5 my biggest fear is happening right now. I think I do fear becoming ignorant and delusional. And I don't want to end up like those who are ignorant and delusional. Because they end up doing bad things. And I do want to response with clarity and love. And I wish everyone everyone else could also do that .

[@Jillian_Paige]

You are actively helping me have a better relationship with my Type 5 dad. As a Type 9, the only way I can fully express what this means to me is through giving context. So if you want more, here you go!: I’ve always felt he and I have never been close, but since studying the Enneagram, I’ve realized an issue on my end is I simply haven’t understood his personality. Today, we went out for his birthday. My gift was very intentional, and I must’ve hit the spot, because he launched into telling me all about his latest interest (an intricate type of car repair he’s teaching himself to do, which I know nothing about and he brought up totally out of the blue), and THEN he shared a detailed story about a time recently when he felt inferior because he “didn’t know everything” about a certain subject. (He felt incompetent!) He’s always talked a lot while requiring little feedback or interaction, and I’ve seen that as a bit selfish - considering conversations more of a “back and forth” or “give and take.” But today, I recognized both of those deep dives for the gifts they are and tried to ask questions and listen as actively as I possibly could. And the bonus here is he was much more engaged with me as a result! In the past, I’ve felt like I listen and listen, but when I bring up a topic - or even try to build upon one of his - he doesn’t do the same in return. Something else catches his attention or he withdraws into his head (I’m not sure how to accurately describe that - but I can see it in his eyes). It’s such a habitual thing that I’ve taken to stopping mid-sentence when I see he’s gone (why waste my energy?), and it seems he doesn’t even notice. (He doesn’t react, anyway.) But today, he zoned on me twice, immediately apologized, told me what grabbed him, and re-focused. I appreciated that. Also, there was a point when I overwhelmed him with slightly stressful information. It started with a practical question about something in which I need his expertise, but these interrelated, emotion-driven thoughts soon spilled out. I recognized that as it was happening, stopped, assured him this was a problem that didn’t need to be solved right away and that I just meant to put it on his radar so he could think about it. He said, “Yeah, that was…” and made a funny face like “a lot” or “overwhelming.” We both laughed and went back to celebrating his birthday. I considered mentioning the Enneagram (especially when he was talking so much about how he doesn’t know why he lets “feeling half-dumb about one thing define [him]”), but I chose not to. Personality psychology is not one of his areas of interest, and since he doesn’t know anything about the Enneagram, I feel he might automatically dismiss it - or, at the very least, won’t appreciate being “typed.” (It also didn’t seem the best time since he was being so vulnerable; I didn’t want to ruin that.) But I know it works - and now you have even more proof, too! (Please feel free to share my story any time, if that would be helpful.) I watched this very video right before he came by so I could keep his Type 5-ness fresh on my mind, and it’s just wild to me how basically the whole thing applied to our day and helped make it happy and fulfilling for both of us. I believe this may well be the first comment I’ve ever left on one of your videos - and in case it’s a while before I do so again, please know that I am (and have been) watching, learning, and loving it. You, your hard-earned knowledge, and the insightful yet easy-to-apply ways you share it make an invaluable difference. (By the way, if you happen to think of more ultra-specific things to share about 5s, 4s, or 2s - the types that make up my family - lay ‘em on me!) Thank you. ❤

[@juliegolick]

While 5s might watch hundreds of videos to figure out how to make a perfect steak, they're not the ONLY ones who do that. I'm a 9w1 but exploring whether I'm autistic, started taking ballroom dance classes recently, and... yeah, I'd say there are several hundred ballroom dance tutorial videos in my KZbin watch history from the last month lol

[@trinaq]

Thanks for this advice, Abbey. I suspect that my brother is a Type 5, since it's hard to get a read on his thoughts, but he'll divulge in his own time.

[@AbbeyHowe]

He will definitely divulge in his own time! 😂 glad you found this helpful!

[@juliaosborn5508]

My husband is a type 5. He doesn't like being typecast and doesn't believe in personality testing, but I got him to do the enneagram test, which proved he was a type 5, then I got him to watch a load of your videos that were either all about type 5, or included type 5 and he was then hooked. I cannot tell you how exact he is to a 5, to a point I have no clue which is his wing (although his test showed both 4 and 6 were strong). If he thinks I have forgotten my keys and so it's me knocking on the door, he literally turns green if it's someone unexpected. If he has a big social event over a weekend, I can guarantee he will be distant and quiet etc for the next few days . I'm a type 1 so this used to be challenging 😊xx

[@Avionne_Parris]

Awesome video as always, Abs! 5s (like 4s) are often misunderstood - 4s are TOO feeling while 5s have NO feelings; neither of which is true. My brother is a 5 and this video was spot on for him. His expert area is sports, specifically football (or soccer to the Americans). He can give you stats, history of ths game, and can watch it and talk about it for hours on end. The book he's currently reading is a memoir written by a former German footballer. Our family gives him as much space as he needs :) And I can relate, thanks to my 5 wing: When I don't understand something, it frustrates the beets out of me and I will spent hours divulging on the topic until it makes sense. Worse when I don't understand AND I'm called upon to explain based on that, the walls start closing in and I hate feeling like that.

[@katherinegood7509]

"Ask them about their favorite topic, but you may need to bring a snack because it's gonna be a little while." It's not that we don't like people or emotions or doing things, it's that it's not worth our resources. When it's something we love it's worth ALL the resources all the time. Hubs is a wrokaholic 3 but knows he can work as late as he wants as long as I'm currently obsessed with a topic or a new hobby. Then I ask him to go away. ;-)

[@AbbeyHowe]

hahaha love this. thanks for sharing your POV as a five. always incredible valuable for us. 💜

[@Kabby-ur7pd]

Yes it’s true. The steak researcher probably just really loved the way the first steak off his grill tasted; hence the deep dive!

[@UnleashedEducation]

Great video Abbey! I think for me, I don't mind admitting I don't know the answer to things. Often even if I have done the research I feel like I still don't know the answer, because I need to do even more research before I know enough to share or have an opinion. This comes across as not having opinions on things and that makes my 8 husband frustrated sometimes. - Charlotte

[@nicoleferree1158]

Type 2 here with a type 5 husband - How does one ask questions that help them analyze the situation from an outside perspective? What does that look and sound like, and what are some examples of questions like that? (Is it more solutions oriented? Does it sound like, “What do you think?” instead of, “What are you feeling?” Is it more than that?) Because I’m so integrated with the heart space and so removed from the head space, I’m definitely guilty of defaulting to asking my husband questions about how he’s feeling and it ends up in frustration for the both of us. I want to be the support he needs in those moments, and I could use more help learning and knowing what that looks like.

[@fernandocastellon3794]

Focus on asking questions that allow him to think and reflect rather than focusing on emotions. For example, instead of asking, "How are you feeling?" try, "What do you think about this?" or "What’s your take on the situation?" This gives him space to process his thoughts and helps avoid frustration. Once he’s had time to reflect, he may be more comfortable sharing his feelings naturally. Questions: "What do you think about this situation?" "How are you processing this?" "What are your thoughts on how this could be approached?" "Is there anything you’ve observed that we might not have considered?" "How do you see this playing out based on the information we have?" "What options do you think we have in this situation?" "What do you think the best next step could be?" "Take your time thinking this through, and let me know what comes to mind." "Does this situation bring up anything that might make it harder for you to focus on a solution?" "Once you've had some time to think about this, how do you feel it might affect you?" Overall, it's about respecting the way Type 5s engage with the world while offering support in a way that feels natural to their cognitive, reflective style. By shifting the focus from feelings to thoughts, you'll likely find the conversation flows more smoothly. It will vary if he’s a 5w4 or 5w6 and the type of situation you’re in.

[@fernandocastellon3794]

@nicoleferree1158 I’m curious about how you two met and what happened that lead to a committed relationship?

[@AbbyHoover-w8k]

This describes my husband almost perfectly! I had him watch it to make sure and he agreed. He is totally a type 5. I am a type 4 so things can get pretty interesting sometimes with my emotions and his logic. 😂

[@Nehpets1701G]

Very helpful, thanks for sharing.

[@AbbeyHowe]

So glad it was helpful!! 😃

[@sophieyyyhh0057]

Enegram 2 and 4 relationship video pls make

[@ellensippel8413]

Thank you for sharing Abby. I am a 5 (I have traits of both wings) it is interesting about the alone time issue. My spouse is 9w1 and we can be in the same room persuing our own hobbies and checking in with each other over our "discoveries." I do not find his presence draining but he is more extroverted then me and I can see when we are out and about, his interations with others can go on a lot longer than mine will. The best example is when we are grocery shopping. We split the store up and often I will find him chatting away with someone. I might say hi but I don't get into prolonged coversations because I am on a mission to get the shopping done, get home, put the groceries away and have some lunch.

[@AbbeyHowe]

Thanks for sharing your story!! It's funny - I see a lot of 5 and 9 pairings in my work. I think they suit each other well. :)

[@ellensippel8413]

@@AbbeyHowe thank you!! Yes we are very well suited. We may not be exciting or dramatic but we are more calm and comfy.

[@drekathigpen4869]

This is so true. Even when I think I’m being friendly, it doesn’t always translate well. If I’m out with my guy friend, who’s a 9w1 or 1w9, ppl still default to him. It annoyed me so much on our last date when the bartender was engaging more with him, but then he explained that I think I’m being welcoming but my statements still read as “straight to business” 😂

[@ellensippel8413]

@@cactipickles glad to read about another 5/9pairing.

[@ellensippel8413]

@@drekathigpen4869 YES!! I think I give off that "straight to business" vibe too. People not only naturally gravitate to my 9 husband they remember him! Case in point, this has happened a couple of times, we will run into a classmate from high school and they are chatting with him and will turn to me and say, "I went to high school with your husband." We graduated the same year and attended school all 12 years together. Those are the times people should count their blessings that I have a filter and don't say what I am thinking. lol.

[@izy2302]

My brother is an enneagram 5. I wonder if this counts for platonic love

[@AbbeyHowe]

It totally does!!!

[@izy2302]

@@Lauren-u3d oh I'm pretty sure my brother is a type 5 too

[@gretagordon9512]

My husband is a type 5 and I am a type 2 🫣 that’s exactly the hardest part for me.. accept that he needs to withdraw and it has nothing to do with me 😮‍💨 awesome video, like always

[@Crackz0r94]

if you think Ross is a 5, what subtype would he be?

[@bronaibrea310]

‏‪0:25‬‏ I really always want to do this (I'm a five) but in social situations and problems & towards my personal goals I don't really act logically and I just can't understand what's happening.

[@AbbeyHowe]

Would you say you just get overwhelmed?

[@bronaibrea310]

@@AbbeyHowe I mean are you really a 5 even if you are not so smart and knowledgeable?