The "Straight Girl Crush": Why Lesbians Fall for Straight Girls (with Ali Kolbert)

Comedian Ali Kolbert sits down with Mal to discuss her pattern of pursuing straight women. The two dive into Ali's high school obsession with her straight best friend and how the dynamics of that friendship affected her lesbian dating life. Ali opens up about why she found herself in these seemingly dead-end relationships and what steps she's taken to break the pattern. The two also discuss finding your queer identity, fitting into queer spaces and Anxious-Avoidant attachment styles.
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For all other inquiries, please email [e-mail]

[@CaptainCautious]

Straight guy. Not sure how I ended up here, but the algorithm finally did me a solid. I really enjoyed this very funny and very enlightening discussion. btw, men who say things like "you just haven't had the right "man", I'd love to be there for when the tables are turned and the woman responds with, "maybe you haven't had the right man".

[@melmartinez4097]

As a 28 yr old that had been out as bi since high school but never had a relationship with a woman until 3 months ago, this podcast has been everything for me. It’s helped me unbox things I didn’t even know I needed to and pushed me to realize I’m a lesbian 💓💓 Now insanely in love with my girlfriend and excited to continue uncovering new ways to love and new feelings to be had

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

so so happy for you!!

[@The-Labbed-Life]

That’s so cute 🥹 congrats to you!

[@alanaboso8]

I’m also 28 and bi and waiting for my moment of realization 😂😅

[@lovelight8722]

@@alanaboso8Same 😂. I’ve been jumping between bi and lesbian for the last year now.

[@Victori.A1]

If you've had romantic/sxual feelings for a male then you're probably not a lesbian

[@EyeriStorms]

When I began discovering myself at first I thought I was bi, but what finally made me realize I am a lesbian was that I could go out with a guy but imagining living the rest of my life with a man made me wanna cry.

[@pura1]

Ali’s comedy skills top tier

[@taylortimeless]

I relate to this so much. There was a girl who was my best friend in high school. She was in an abusive relationship with a guy. I had the biggest crush on her. One night she messaged me saying that she had feelings for me and asked if I thought we could be together someday. I was over the moon. (I was young and dumb and too happy to think before I acted) Fast forward, she strung me along for over two years (I’m so embarrassed) She stayed in a relationship with that guy. It became unbearable. I also had some problems at home (religious parent vs gay kid…you know how it is 🙄) I moved to California. She ended up breaking up with the guy and immediately entered a relationship with one of her best guy friends. Turns out I wasn’t the only one she was talking to like that. Fast forward in time: Proud lesbian here. Living in Chicago. One of the gayest cities ever!

[@yolema]

Holly shit!! So relatable… both, having an intense relationship with a best friend who is straight , but get jealous if someone shows interest in you.. and to coming out all the time and getting a head in the initial conversation

[@kweenstudios9903]

This just gives me so much life and validation in my own straight girl best friend trauma! Not here for people confusing us the hell out of our minds from always wanting everything from us but never giving much back! Always love the good honest and open juju here! Find yo people💕💕🔥🔥🔥

[@Zupdood2]

The problem is; that makes it sound intentional on the part of the straight girl… when they’re just curious also and willing to experiment, sampling life’s buffet until they find their people. But; I think in American society this is more acceptable for girls. I don’t know any straight guys who want to sample men, because imo American society does not consider this as acceptable/harmless/hot as women doing it. From that viewpoint (just my viewpoint as a guy, and shared by most of my friends I believe, but I recognize others might well have a different take on this) if a guy wants to try being with a guy, well then he’s just a fruitcake; not really a man at all. But for a woman to do this? Totally acceptable, and quite hot honestly.

[@deezgrafix]

"I come out daily." Girl, I feel this. It's exhausting.

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

‼️

[@Doors-and-Crosscheck]

I don’t know who Ali is but this is possibly the most condensed and profound wisdom that was personal, vulnerable and self aware and I related very very strongly to it all. Beautifully done both of you ❤️. I look like 15 years younger than I am and super high energy and always either on an airplane or at raves, concerts, theatre, opera, weird arty exhibitions etc etc. All amazing places to meet amazing women but I ended up always attracting straight women just coming out of a breakup/divorce, or 22 yr olds who were not ready for a relationship & just wanted a LOT of exciting fun! And I thought it was a badge of honor that I was everyone’s first and that they trusted me so much. Except only now do I realize it had nothing to do with how “cool” I was or the activities I did were but more about how unavailable I was and how deeply I probably felt I didn’t deserve a serious relationship. So now I’ve decided to just be single until I’m able to meet a person who’s not into immediate sizzling chemistry. But more of a longer burn.

[@Gsd112]

I remember being so in love with so many friends and it was hell. I really hope I someday meet and become best friends with a woman who also likes women too

[@LlamaLlamaRedPajamas]

I so appreciate Mal sticking up for the girlies who can’t help but run late

[@rensins08]

Finding out that I have ADHD made SOOOOOOO many things make sense. And being late & also unable to take care of myself but doing a great job for my partner are some of those things.

[@hfortenberry]

Regarding being chronically late, I am 55 and I promise you will never change her. Being late is actually tied to genetic personality types (MBTI). If they’re late and you can’t accept it, then you need to let her go to find someone who will love her as she is. It’s patronizing and disrespectful to tell her to “grow up”. You’re not inside her mind and body so you don’t know how it is for her. You have to accept people the way they are.

[@AdrijaBanerjee30]

It's like I'm hearing myself out. I just needed to listen to this! Ali you're representing a lot of us in here.

[@Startingapugarmy]

This is a fascinating conversation! Relatable on all the levels.

[@uscitizen3252]

Yay! I love Ali's podcast and she's hilarious. She dropped some truth bombs about falling in love with your best friend. I've never heard it almost identical to my own experience. She gave me some nuggets to process. Thanks for having her on! This podcast is knocking it out of the park!

[@JoyNova]

Ali is so quick-witted 😂I admire that

[@hii_hii_hii_heyyyy]

seriously. she’s hilarious, sarcastic, witty. love it!!!

[@JosieDuncanSong]

This was hilarious and relatable.. but also Mal your HAIR LOOKS AMAZING

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

🥹thank youuuu

[@ashleekrall1925]

Such a great (funny) and relatable guest. Love the podcast. 👏🏼👏🏼

[@shootfordstars]

I love love the introspection in this interview. Made me think about my gay journey too. This is truly my new favourite podcast. Keep the episodes coming! xx

[@FlyMeToWonderland]

This episode was brilliant! We need a part 2!

[@leestinson5801]

Absolutely loved this episode Love Ali Kolbert so much She's hilarious but also insanely insightful. Ive enjoyed getting to know you thru your podcasts as well. Thank you both for representing the Queer community and giving us content that we can all finally identify with! Wishing you both all the best in life!!! Xo Fhank

[@Rushofthewind]

I honestly look forward to watching this podcast’s episodes. The conversations/topics are so relatable and it’s nice to hear others talking about them. Ali is absolutely hilarious ✨

[@whatshappening3327]

My sexuality has morphed a bit. I liked girls since I was little kid and that hasn't changed. But I learned I can enjoy feminine men a lot as well but it's not necessarily to the same degree as women. And in that sense I feel it's a bit unfair for me to even go there. Because I know I will just lead those men on. There is a reason why people used to say "pick a side". Cause ultimately you're gonna side with the preference you were born with.

[@v1ped]

not for me i certainly don't "side" with the preference i had when i was younger

[@Elizabeth-uw5xn]

A straight woman who gets jealous when her lesbian friend finds a girlfriend, is simply frustrated that they no longer can control and gaslight that lesbian friend. I fell in love (hard) with a straight girl when I was a Senior in high school, and she proceeded to spend the entire school year playing games with my heart and gaslighting the crap out of me. It was mental and spiritual torture. Fast forward 40 years, this month, I have been in a 20 year relationship with a beautiful woman, inside and out. We’ve had and continue to have an extraordinary life together. Crazy thing is, I still have dreams from time to time, about that long ago straight “friend” coming into my current day life, trying to have me fall for her again. Even in my dreams, I tell her I’m not available and am very happy with my wife.

[@dayers9257]

I married a straight girl, we have been together 23 years now

[@des2507]

Omg she’s exactly describing my love life. Thank you for sharing

[@SVega-v3w]

Fully agree with the idea that there is something very appealing to the fact that to get a girl you need to put in effort versus getting a boy where usually you only sit and wait for him to do all the work.

[@ariurban5084]

This episode was transformative for me. Thank you Ali for your insight and wisdom!❤

[@binguschips]

Omg I was just binging these and now I’m early! So excited, I love these💗💗💗

[@Shamili1801]

Loved this episode so much! You can see how into it Mal was, the conversation was super fun and interesting.

[@eleniet]

Ali, I totally understand the anxious attachment and i am sooooo like this. Thanks for sharing. Your not alone here ❤

[@mimsokoye7227]

This is insightful. Thank you

[@sunbliss]

This was such a great episode. Love Ali and her sense of humor 😂

[@kange859]

I always know it's gonna be a dope ass pod when Ali is on👊

[@user-kh7mm2he8b]

Outstanding!!!

[@anaestrada4788]

I can’t even begin to thank you for this episode, it’s like if you were reading everything that I’ve had in my brain for years and afraid of saying out loud. Thank you thank you thank you ❤

[@Reed5016]

7:17 I relate to that a lot. My ex boyfriend was absolutely sweet, and we had a lot in common. But I knew that it wasn’t working for me, and I wanted to be with a woman instead.

[@taraelisse]

I relate to this too! I kept having boyfriends who were lovely and it was great for a while but in the end I missed women.

[@JulesLern]

So relatable as always! ✨✨✨

[@michala234]

This was so insightful.. I feel like I learned so much!

[@litndexter8127]

Absolute perfect mix of wit, humour and intellect! Ali you're fayyahhh 🔥

[@user-un5ch8hq1y]

I Love this Podcast so much ❤️❤️

[@pura1]

This is wild and so insightful

[@personone8415]

This podcast is awesome, yea habits total get it. Much needed insight.

[@blepblepblep8324]

I relate a lot to the topics of conversation here. Thanks!

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

Ali is so funny love her this was another amazing episode of the podcast one of my favorite podcasts right now thank you for creating it ❤🌈

[@Raddiebaddie]

Ali is hilarious - she’s been on WHGS podcast a good bit too

[@elissajo3671]

Love Ali! Knew this would be another good one

[@sidessherri]

Have you explored gay women marrying a guy to try and prove she wasn’t gay. She refuses to act on her feelings for women. Ruined there dreams and life, took the fire out of them. 😢

[@anaisplante]

i’ve been binge watching all these podcasts the past 3 days and i really love them, every guest brings a different vue on the whole lesbian experience and i can’t get enough 🥰 one subject i think would be really nice and interesting to talk about with someone is asexuality as a lesbian, i would love to hear more about this topic so just an idea out there ! keep being amazing and thank you so much for these ❤️

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

thank you for the topic suggestion!! i hope we can bring that to you in the future🫶

[@anaisplante]

@@MadeItOutPodcast you’re welcome ! thank you for considering it and i can’t wait to see the next episode ☺️

[@timtam39tw]

Another great episode 👏🏿 👌🏾 🙌🏿 👍🏾 🎉😊🎉

[@Jayzylyn]

Finally a queer podcast revolves around mental health, healthy relationship and personal growth! Thank you for doing this, Mal.

[@SaraxAdam]

loveee Ali, thanks for bringing her on

[@carolinestucky8228]

love this podcast ❤❤❤ would love to hear mathilde’s story

[@littlelammy]

This was amazingly raw and refreshing. Loved it ! ❤

[@sfrancies87]

If she made it clear she is straight then how was she leading you on if you were just friends? That sounds like a you problem.

[@Soccernat358]

Yes I’ve always been frustrated about calling these girls “straight girls!”

[@kmym5709]

I wish the curious people can be more upfront about their hesitance, and learn more about biphobia! Everyone should, but esp for them to see how they could potentially hurt others without ever taking responsibilty for it

[@robinriebsomer4607]

There are subcultures within the lesbian culture. We each have to find the lesbian community with whom we feel a sense of belonging. I was born in 1951. Once upon a time, there would be no open lesbian discussions like this in the public sphere. All I can say is, "To thine own self be true."

[@sophiacampos5649]

Seriously, she’s so damn cool. Great conversation and such a funny guest. So relatable, I’ll be mulling this over! And checking out her comedy, too! Thanks! ❤

[@SaloYD]

cannot tell you enough how grateful i am for this podcast

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

❤❤

[@TheresaGelso]

This is so true!

[@dios.fanni1]

Renee Rapp's pretty girls is meant for Ali

[@uscitizen3252]

lol yes

[@gb3729]

Wow! I adore Ali Kolbert. She is very, very witty and so funny. Where can I see her perform?

[@Alexs-lz5fk]

I always figured that hooking up with someone who is cheating on their partner is just as bad as cheating but most people seem to think it's fine so idk

[@helenharris9698]

Having an attraction is easier than full involvement. It's so painful to get involved in a serious relationship, and then it doesn't work out. So many people think they're ready for commitment, and actually they aren't. I personally love , loving on myself. It's safer emotionally. ❤

[@dpay5644]

You are awesome! Thank you for being you and making this incredible show

[@KayBassie]

Hmm, being in love with your best friend in high school that you have an intense friendship with: nothing quiite like it i.e PAIN (so much intense hand holding) I dont personally recommend it. Literally that same best friend who freaked out at 16 when I brought up the gay topic, who eventually reveal mutual attraction at college and revealed we were just a fun thing. Of course she could never ever really date me, but chose to have kid with a guy and is now married to him....yeah not great feeling. But I use that experience to know what I didnt want in a future relationship with a woman. *sighs* Very funny relatable pod episode.

[@olix1466]

Omfgg pls be back for the podcast cause i laughed so much. So fuckin theraputic 😭

[@rosun00]

MAL ILY

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

ilu🫶

[@JennSarracenia]

I agree with Ali about being late!! Can’t stand it! If a girl’s late to more than one date I’m done.

[@lesliepless2939]

Sexual experimentation is normal and exciting emotions. As an adult, communication is key. Maybe you want to hook up for a singular experience, so own it and say it before it happens. Falling into an unrequited sexual relationship is not based on one's sexuality. True that coming to terms with one's sexuality is not always an easy, clear path, but as both articulate in this podcast one is aware when wanting to be with another person (in this case, a female not a male). Be authentic..."I know what I want" or "I don't know what I want, but would like to try this with you." Intimacy is not gender specific or inherent to sexuality. Healing intimacy is based on trust, consent, and chemistry. Labels are limiting. Be yourself. Be proud of yourself. Lesbianism is my inclination, my preference, and my identity. Everything physical about a woman turns me on, and I have found sexual pleasure with men. If that challenges your perception of me that is something for you to process. Not my monkey or circus.

[@phoebes2036]

The fact that you have had sexual pleasure with men just means you’re bi and that’s ok too. It’s normal and valid to have a strong preference as a bisexual. Saying you are a lesbian while also being sexually attracted to men to any extent just invalidates women who are actually lesbian. Men will read this and double down on invalidating lesbians. Your words have power

[@kinglear7]

@@phoebes2036Exactly. I'm so sick of the "what is a lesbian" narrative. Why don't we ever ask gay men whats a gay man or do they fuck women. It irritates me so much. I'm a lesbian and have no desire for a man. Ever.

[@user-el9uw1yw9l]

@@phoebes2036thank you. it seriously disturbs me how many women identify as lesbians but date and have sex with men.. like i completely understand that people can experiment when theyre trying to figure themselves out, that people can be repressed and in denial, etc. but if youre calling yourself a lesbian that implies you believe you are exclusively attracted to women. i feel like i have to start calling myself a homosexual just to make sure people get it. i will never touch a man no matter how lonely or horny i am. and if i ever did, i would no longer call myself a lesbian because lesbians dont do that.

[@mialindvall]

Hahaha loved this 💕

[@tomcashin7548]

THANK YOU! NUFF SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Women rock, period. 💜💕💜💕

[@hhheidi1121]

How about two ladies who is straight and falling in love with each other!! 😬😬

[@Imetwurld_]

It's not happening,they still go back to men .same as straight male falling for a friend .

[@denatora7142]

I think if they stay together, they are probably bi not straight. Straight will be straight. I think we conflate the terms sometimes.

[@hhheidi1121]

@@Imetwurld_ well that’s me and my partner of 29 years. We just fell in love and never looked back.

[@hhheidi1121]

@@denatora7142 yeah maybe but me and my partner must be one in a million two straight to fall in love with each other.

[@nnajimiller2506]

Straight kids🏳️‍🌈😂

[@chack4845]

Before I scroll down for great comments just wanna say bring Matilde on the show asap 😂

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

mathilde’s #1 fan!!

[@chack4845]

@@MadeItOutPodcast yes I am. We don't know much about her but the little thing I know is that she seems so chill and she looks gorgeous. I won't come after her, I'm just curious to know more about her so please 🙏🙏😃😃

[@kakaolo3728]

I never felt for a straight girl the second I was old enough to meet other lesbians on the internet ❤️

[@KayBassie]

Wait Ali have you never come across a mean/rude straight woman? It all about the personality you come across, whether straight/lesbian/queer etc Dating sum1 that embraces their queerness: I'm so looking forward to that feeling😊

[@majoduarte8722]

These podcasts are so great! deep, intelligent, emotional and funny, with such beautiful women, that I suspect there will be soon a massive closet exit. Women are much more interesting than men! The only thing missing and improving the program would be subtitling it in Spanish. It would be fabulous! Thanks!

[@morrisdavis9231]

You two are beautiful women you can easily imagine male or female being attracted to you. But what about ugly or fat people do they struggle even more I mean if ya'll struggle imagine their closet

[@SURVIVINGANIMALJOHAN]

I’ve been in love with a female friend of mine, but I’m not sure she is straight, but it was quite complicated. We were very friends and I got very sad after everything went down the hill… I think she wasn’t ready but at the same time wanted me to be there, at the end I acted like didn’t care and she got hurt I guess… I regret our friendship ended, I still thinking it shouldn’t have to be that way but she did pushed me away after maybe I broke her heart by not taking her seriously because she had a boyfriend who lived quite faraway… but anyways. I did put myself first but maybe I hurted her and I’m still deeply sorry, I really wanted to fix the things and be friends but she probably felt rejected… I think she was very confused and maybe she thought that I became an asshole for going out with other girls 😅 but I mean I needed her to show her that I’m free cause she didn’t wanted to have something with me when I told her… so who knows what actually happened in her mind, it tought she wanted a friendship.

[@aidanshaw3611]

Regarding the "we drink Cappuccino, because it's 10 o'clock in the morning, otherwise it would have been whiskey", the legend says that a guy went into a bar (was it in England?) and he asked if he can get a whiskey at that time (10 o'clock in the morning, like in your case), and the bartender says "of course, it's 5 o'clock somewhere". I know the example is not perfect, because it's with a guy, who happens to be Slash from Guns'N Roses, but you get the point. Don't be afraid to do what you want, and you don't have to play by the social norm.

[@MistressGomorahhReigne]

I"m also from TX .. Raised Baptist... Raised to be straight ... had no idea i was bi or lesbian until my 30's when i met a woman i was instantly smitten over.... Everyone is Bi curious until they find out... whether its for them or not... You're dating Queer Virgins.. Also note you can be bi gay or lesbian and not have good chemistry in bed with whoever you pick that doesn't make you straight.. I think we are all born Sexually fluid and we are taught to be straight.. its natural to be curious... Its natural to evolve..

[@nicola6890]

lmao she’s so hilarious. I’ve been laughing every couple seconds. How am I going to survive till the end.😂

[@boredveryverybored9887]

Has she been on Ashley Gavin's podcast yet?

[@JanneBernards]

Ali? Yes, lots of times. She even cohosted a few episodes.

[@jazzyroly]

Part of me thinks that the more you put out the idea of liking straight women, the more you'll attract them. I'm not saying this from a point of judgment because I know you can't always control the kind of people you're attracted to, but if you're self aware about it, why continue to pursue women who are unsure about weather or not they're attracted to you? I'm a lesbian and have never personally identified with liking straight women because in my head they become unavailable upon saying they're unsure about their attraction.

[@myspammeat]

This is the best one, yet! The spot-on shared experiences mixed with the constant wit makes me want more Mal and Ali

[@caitlinomartin]

once dated a girl who said she “normally goes for straight women cause they don’t get attached” should’ve ran but still pursued her thinking i would change that💀

[@maliahjoy2959]

Me and my best friend had a relationship like that

[@laurendiamond3594]

Related so much 😢😅

[@sadiea8905]

Love ali!!🫶

[@sittinginbushes]

I've been thinking of why it's always straight girls that catch my attention. and turns out that in my case it's bc of the relationship w my mother. since early childhood I couldn't be enough for her no matter how hard I tried and she was always distant and cold towards me. sometimes I see my mother in these emotionally unavailable girls and wish for them to finally give me that closure and validate me in a way that my mother never could and accept me as I am

[@ernestopenna8294]

Quando vc vai entrevistar a atriz Abella Danger? Eu moro aqui em Manaus,Am Brasil

[@TaylorStephens-te5qw]

Str8 women were nearly the death of me. Full Stop.

[@user-kt5sk3yo6o]

😂

[@user-kt5sk3yo6o]

❤

[@drpineapple41]

when is jayme aiden schiller's episode coming out

[@-jellyfish]

Mal is my hero

[@giftofnothing]

Sounds like you're meeting hot women and you'd rather get some and figure out the rest later lol. Rather than interview them about marriage and moving in. Its natural to want and get with people you're attracted to regardless of their ultimate preferences especially when you're young. When you're ready to get "married" or whatever you'll get more serious about finding someone that wants to be serious with you. What's the rush? Being hurt happens no matter what or who you're involved with. Should your straight friend be "traumatized" because you fell in love? The guilt and fear around being ourselves and being sexual does more damage than getting dumped by a fling.

[@nnajimiller2506]

😂you guys are soo funny

[@kencoleman5007]

Honestly, this is reminding me of late 90's middle school as a closeted mtf. (Semi-uniquely) I was a socially withdrawn femme with a history of being abused. (Less uniquely) I was one of many closeted people in my grade. In 7th grade a male classmate asked if I was into females, when I said that I was, he said "So, ... You're a d^ke?". A female classmate had a crush, but was more friend zone, and eventually came out. Then 8th grade, this female classmate who I had crushed on for 9 years (beautiful, smart, a cheerleader, and on the school basketball team) asked me to dance, and I politely declined, just thinking that it was her being nice. It was in high school (when this friend was a competition level cheerleader dating a baseball player) that she told me that their attraction was mutual. By high school, I was the femme kid at an "all boys" school, harassed by stalker-ish closeted classmates, and otherwise seen as the "stud" who understood women. It was at that time that I was also learning about Georgia O'Keeffe, and started working more floral themes into my artwork. After being told that non-flowering flora was too feminine for a school banner about a naturalist saint, I got back at the system with and abstractly close-cropped art piece of my gf and I Frenching (which got in the school art show). When I started coming out as trans (part of it was through a Second Life relationship with an Aussie corrections officer, and I explained my gender experimentation), I came out to some friends from middle school. A now out cis lesbian and I freaked out a bit at the thought of cheerleader/basketball player having been attracted through feelings that may have not been 100% straight.

[@Raddiebaddie]

Wow thank you for sharing! I would totally read a book about your life ~ love it

[@kencoleman5007]

@Raddiebaddie Thank you! I do write a blog that's journal entries. Mostly music related, and regularly involving queeeness. You'll find it under r0ck bl0gster (written with the number #0 in place of o's).

[@kencoleman5007]

Hopefully with time, it leads to a book.

[@barnaliadhikary9421]

I always look for this podcast as a hopeless romantic lesbian..lately came out at 34