The Trick To Remaining Untriggered By A Narcissist

As part of their need to become "superior" over you, narcissists love to trigger you into unnecessary and erratic emotional reactions. Dr. Les Carter is onto their schemes, and very clearly describes how you can stay away from their pitfalls and their gaslighting.
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[@shewho333]

“Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” -unknown

[@tinakaczmarczyk1975]

Thank you!!!!

[@aaronkwolfe]

{Grin} One I use often. My version is similar: “Never explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstand you.”

[@shannonsanders3488]

❤ this.. thank you-SSS in Tennessee

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Well put 🙏

[@bobtaylor170]

Unfortunately, sometimes your life can be at stake if you stick to that always. Fortunately, such occasions are few.

[@dlv9546]

What I’ve noticed is, if I allow my emotions to gain control, and I lose my temper, not only does it give the narcissist the ability to play the victim, but it gives them great pleasure to see me upset. So not only am I left feeling guilty that I lost it, I’ve made their day.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Mind over emotion!

[@marian9410]

Honestly, I allowed myself to let my emotions go a few times and ripped into these idiots, making fun of their games and calling them out - on email. Very satisfying. Of course the narc sister went all huff and puff and refused to write or respond. She only recently revealed herself to be a covert narc, so no wonder I blew my top. The brother I had already played gray rock with for years but because of the passing of my father (also a narc, can you believe it), I was obliged to link in with the brother and I gave him a piece of my mind as well, which of course he thoroughly deserved. let him play the victim, I don't care really anymore. Now that I let off the steam and have lost all respect for any of them, I am going all silent on them. Mother also a narc incidentally. hahaha. Hope never to see them in my life. Letting the lawyer deal with inheritance. Bye-bye everyone!

[@chargennaro976]

I always like to use the J.A.D.E technique. Do not justify Do not argue Do not defend And do not explain Don't provide any reasons or justifications. Don't engage in arguments. Or try to convince them your point of view. When they invtably attack you, don't defend yourself and don't provide an explanation for your actions or decisions. You don't owe them any explanation, when they're trying to suck you into an argument. Keep your emotions balanced

[@henrykujawa4427]

I've only done it a few times... but on occasion, I surprise MYSELF by reacting to monstrous stupidity by-- instead of getting angry-- LAUGHING in the person's face. That gets them REALLY angry... but at least, I can enjoy myself.

[@Dollytimebabies]

It’s the only time they smile

[@D-rz4qz]

I've learned the hard way... the best thing for me to do with my narcissistic family is to remain silent. My new boundary: "I will not invest myself in people whe refuse to give me a voice."

[@spiritgurl1111]

Ooh that’s a great quote & way of thinking TY

[@dnk4559]

Love this! I wish I had understood sooner that my siblings were narcissistic like our father.

[@janettemartin4604]

If it is NOT your fault and has nothing to do with YOU then it is NONE of your business! You do not even have to listen!

[@chipchippie]

I used to think I could fight the direction my family is taking as they are literally creating narcissists and unleashing them upon the world. Dealing with them all this time has severely limited my ability to emotionally deal with people. Modern times has made it even more difficult since people these days are less likely to be friendly or even respect a stranger they don't know. I am one of those people that sticks out like a sore thumb so in some ways I choose to be different I don't choose to be targeted it just goes along with it.

[@majestic.feminine]

Actually, it works very well. Especially when they want to incite a reaction from you. It's a form of validation. They are addicted to it and expect it. Take it one step further: "I will not invest myself in people when they refuse to respect and dignify the relationship. I will not take garbage out of the mouth of any one person. My life is worth more."

[@davidyardley512]

Our misery is their joy. Our joy is their misery. There is no action the narcissist takes or words they speak without an agenda.

[@marieldavison5121]

They come with an agenda and then you are a player in their plot. They assign you the role.

[@TheQueensWish]

You just gave me an idea! An important idea. I knew that our misery is their joy but it never occurred to me the reverse … our joy is their misery. Weaponize joy! This is worth a try. I’m going to be overjoyed a lot …. and send some kryptonite their way. Yes and it’s true they always have a hidden agenda and an ulterior motive, which they hope to keep from our awareness. But after doing this so long, you develop the awareness to their sneaky, self serving ways. Mine said to me today, “You always think the worst of me.” He knows that I know. After all these years I know.

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

@@TheQueensWishe prepared to be targeted or them to attempt to destroy your life if you do that. I had someone in my life that if she ever saw me happy, she’s sabotage something in my life to try to make me miserable. Getting kids sick, telling lies to friends, creating bizarre legal drama (including committing crimes against me), stalking and manipulating who I was dating, you name it. If I looked miserable when she saw me? No issues.

[@brendalentsch2335]

Perfectly said

[@johngarrity6687]

Replacing your own misery with compassion for them is a balm for your own suffering and sends them searching for easier targets😅

[@chipchippie]

They want a reaction out of us. That's why they're always attempting to get some type of negative reaction out of us. That is because their main objective is not to make us happy it's actually quite the opposite. The best thing to do is get used to not reacting to them, and not giving them food to feed their fire of narcissism.

[@songriver1232]

Yup

[@shar240]

How sad to always make others unhappy. What a mean way to think 🤔

[@Linda-ki5xh]

Totally best thing is zero contact and vet carefully what you say to potential flying monkeys, as EVERYTHING can be weaponised.. even saying you are well and happy... 'o she's happy is she? After what she did to me..' (pulled plug on money machine) etc. So puerile.. and always will be until you walk and don't look back. When you close that door and don't look back all sorts of amazing things happen, you actually start attracting good people.. that shell he broke means the chick can step out..

[@stevenkovler5133]

I like how they attack you over an innocent comment or a question and then say that you triggered them and are looking for negative attention or narcissistic supply !

[@oceanaoushn8803]

I actually learned to ACT as if I was triggered and then the creature walks away satisfied. What matters to me Is That the creature walks away And at times I roll with laughter later But, honestly...all that is rather sorry It would be much better if I walked away forever from that relationship.

[@sharonsalyer4912]

This is more difficult to do than one might think as they attack your character, intelligence, and your very being. It hurts and injustices bring out the anger. I think it helps at times to pretend you're dealing with a 5-6year old in order to try and detach some.

[@sthomas4634]

Yes, I agree. Seeing them as children helps detach. That’s what I’ve done too.

[@notagain779]

@@sthomas4634 , Sometimes I say things like, "You're HOW old?" or, I didn't realize how immature you could get."

[@1cpascal]

Also, a lot of what narcissistic abuse is simply projection. All of the horrible accusations they throw at other people us what they really think about themselves.

[@peacerun]

This is a great idea. She’s 90 but I”m going to imagine her as a toddler.

[@carlorizzo827]

Ditto; likewise when they slander me to extended family & friends. Narc is an older sib enabled by a younger sib, former theatre major turned paralegal. As well a coma survivor, who seems normal. That probably deserves more research

[@wordswordswords8203]

One more comment here: after reading through some of these comments I feel so relieved that so many people understand the hell of dealing with this. It is such a depressing and isolating thing to deal with a narc, but reading the comments gives me hope at least that I am not alone in this. Stay strong everybody.

[@NicoleLafond-ji7pd]

❤ same thing for me❤ reading all your comments breaks the isolation🎉❤ I'm so grateful

[@amypresswood6530]

I'm here too!! Feeling somewhat validated... and very relieved to not be alone. Simultaneously feeling sad that anyone is going thru this.... be encouraged!!! God is still God, and in control!!❤❤❤

[@shaninphxaz]

Narcissists will always bring out the worst in you if you let them!

[@guenterfischer7558]

“Never wrestle with a pig because you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it." - George Bernard Shaw

[@MarianMurphy-rz8ej]

It’s just I can’t believe everyone is a pig. Like there are no non-pigs left.

[@MarianMurphy-rz8ej]

There are no non pigs left.

[@aaronkwolfe]

I became untriggered when I realized the lies were intended to cause me to react. In essence, I unloaded their weapon, so a trigger did nothing.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

And long may it continue!

[@marieldavison5121]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Here here ~ what Amanda said!

[@aaronkwolfe]

My sis visiting is helping me work toward moving out of marital home. She volunteered to contact my (estranged, narcissistic) wife to smooth out the home sale prep, and came away from that with “Wow, she’s got a lot of crazy controlling going on.”

[@snowy4282]

@@aaronkwolfe May God bless your sister for dealing with that. Taking on that task was huge, imho. So glad you have family that love you that much. It is a precious thing. 😊🎶

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@aaronkwolfe It's not easy moving out of the marital home. All the hard work physically and mentally. I remember my move but also the relief. The downsize was massive but so were the bills and housework. Best wishes on wherever you're moving to. It'll be worth it. Take care ✌ 🕯 🙏 🙂

[@cabowabo5557]

When they try to trigger you, just say "Whatever". It drives them crazy.

[@SallyFarmer-ue3wc]

Love this!

[@LightBeing369]

Silence is the best answers to those who don't value your words ✌🏼💗

[@selfesteem3447]

That's a good quote. But be sure to throw in a smirk, grin, or smile:-)

[@wordswordswords8203]

I need to put that up on my wall. thank you, dear.

[@vitkomusic6624]

But that's what narcisists do. Stonewall.

[@llbailey9946]

​@@vitkomusic6624 "When in Rome..."? Maybe that's what they will finally hear, the silence?

[@pennylynch913]

Amen! Well said.

[@gordonwillard4872]

Don’t walk away, RUN away and cut off completely all narcissists. They are damaged and beyond repair. Narcissistic parents are the worst. They don’t love themselves or their children, they just manipulate. And their children spend a lifetime seeking that unloving parents love. They don’t have it. Quit wasting your time and live a healthy happy life without them. ☮️❤️

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

Perfect advice and I have done that. Since October 1995 no contact with my parents. The problem is my sister got back in touch with me in 2017 and is pushing for an in-person meeting which I don't want because I can sense that she is similar to my parents even if she is slightly better maybe.

[@phoenixrising33]

Amen!

[@marieldavison5121]

Yes resolve yourself then whatever way you can Run! 👣🏃‍♀🏃‍♀🏃‍♀🏃‍♀🏃‍♂🏃‍♂🏃🏃

[@sturobertson6791]

So sad, but so true. I'm recognising, by learning from everyone here, about the effect my N dad has had on me. I never put it in those words till recently. And I became an easy target for an N partner. In my case, I got the police involved, and the NEX had to run, not me. 🙏☀️🙏

[@marieldavison5121]

@@sturobertson6791 Good on you Stu.🙂

[@pynkneka]

An emotional empath is a narcissist piggy bank. Please if you feel depleted or drained repeatedly after spending time or even conversing with some…PAY ATTENTION. Protect your heart, protect your spirit, protect your mind, protect your energy.❤

[@HereForToday42]

love that "emotional piggy bank". yep. And feeling drained is a huge RED FLAG

[@morebirdsandroses]

Golden words! Not giving in to "what's wrong with me?" is part of my big gain this year!😉

[@tej1971]

How do you get out?

[@johngarrity6687]

Run like an Olympian if you can. (After you cut the cord)

[@tracydanneo]

Run for sure!

[@Giulia_1410]

When we react by screaming we are asking to be seen. But they can't see us. They can't hear us. They are busy with themselves

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good way to put it

[@LION-on4gd]

Oh yes..they take that super supply without carying at all!!

[@toucheturtle3840]

When you respond in a flat unemotional manner to a narcissist, they go silent…

[@patduffyforever]

They certainly get puzzled. I ve found the covers go silent but the overs just push more and will just talk word salad about past events til they get a reaction then they hook in n start magnifying yr feelings n whipping u up so they can feed and then they ll argue with yr reaction and diminish u and walk away leaving u feeling very confused . 😂😂😂

[@patduffyforever]

Covert not covers lol

[@toucheturtle3840]

@@patduffyforever No worries, I know what you meant😁. Narcissists are very tricky characters. They will lure you in, then try & destroy you. Idealise, devalue, discard. Unless you support their 3 main pillars of existence, the relationship is doomed. It’s all one way traffic. They can be very generous to you, only as long as it suits them. No emotional empathy, only cognitive, which is how we’re duped.

[@arasyard]

I realized that to be discarded is not at all that bad, it is a blessing because its means the narc is leaving you alone..

[@MarianMurphy-rz8ej]

Not completely. I mean I’ve been discarded by society because I’m a Christian and frankly I could be in the Sahara desert and they’d find me, some offensive man in short shorts would just so happen to rock up at the cactus 🌵 I was resting beside. They hunt after you. There is even a politician called Tristram Hunt and Hunter S Thompson. They never leave you alone. Even when alone I hear them in my ears via v2k. It’s a spiritual war…

[@ronwalker8863]

The trick to remaining untriggered by a narcissist is to remain being amused by that narcissist.

[@D-rz4qz]

I don't have to justify myself. Amen

[@valerielangley4627]

Thanks

[@barbarabagatin8962]

Truth.

[@shewho333]

Amen!

[@yime6631]

God already justified me. It's the only justification that counts here. Mankind never had nor never will have that job!

[@carolnahigian9518]

never complain, never explain- ALWAYS BL😅CK DELETE & keep your Poker Face. They are ClownTards

[@mermaid2605]

Gus is an example of being unbothered by narcissist behavior! 🐾😂

[@jaym4577]

I just keep a loaded gun around me all the time, no more narc issues lol.

[@marshill3101]

Yes! I noted how chill Gus was while watching too! Lol.

[@kattalinamkazunas3573]

I love Gus and seeing him in the videos! he gives me a sense of calm watching him lick his paws or chill on the sofa!

[@caseydelachante2905]

I love Gus! So nice and relaxing to see him there in the videos.

[@ginamiller8554]

But, you haven’t seen Gus around a narcissist… my dog definitely prefers non-narcs… they genuinely care about him.

[@TRL2303]

It works for the short term to "not react" or "not get drawn in" emotionally to their baiting you and attacking you - but in the long term it takes away from who you really are because you're becoming a person that you're not by suppressing those feelings. You're just expressing that you're agreeing with everything they say and go along with everything they want you to do. So the only way in the long term, is to get away and go no contact (in my opinion and experience)

[@morebirdsandroses]

I totally agree. What a waste of my life, my interests and abilities to mainly work on grey-rocking them out.

[@kammingwong5222]

Strive to be authentic, with others, before you are tuned to be otherwise.

[@andreaberryman5354]

You are spot on. My neighbor spies, and knows EXACTLY where I am in my yard that being interrupted will piss me off the most, irritatingly. Grrrrr!

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Totally agree - you have to go no contact

[@cariefitzpatrick238]

Many of the narcissists in my life love to stir the pot and then play the victim, or try to emotionally manipulate me, or try to control my emotions. I learned the hard way to just stop taking the bait, and remain in control of my own emotions and actions. It’s tricky to “flip the switch” for emotions in dealing w/narcissists, but once you figure out how to do that, it’s life-changing! 💟

[@iys6890]

Yes! I'm becoming non emotional around them! Feels great!

[@tej1971]

@@iys6890do you feel like yourself though? I just want to feel like me again.

[@tej1971]

I say that cuz I’m an emotional person and I am a happy person most all but time but I’m feeling so drained

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I have one active narc who baits then blames me, takes no responsibility for his problem attitude(dad!) and dumps that blame(projection) on me. He is so circular! I'm tired thinking about him.

[@katyb2793]

@@tej1971 it is tiring. If you live with them they can get at you when you're stressed about something, physically tired etc. But I've found it does get easier with time. I'm still learning so I can't speak for the long term. But I always pray and ask God for help. Pray before you have to have interaction with them, pray after. I have bad chronic fatigue so it's especially difficult for me, I start the day feeling tired and emotionally drained, so if I can do it, you definitely can too. I've found I had to understand I'm not perfect, and won't get it right every single time and that sucks because of the outcome , but to be kind to myself and accept I'm doing my best, and a slip up here and there is inevitable. I think he's right in that once you can accept who the narcissist is, and what they won't ever be, it's a bit easier. What's the point of trying to get them to see how they've hurt me, when I know they won't? I'm literally wasting my time. Also, have an outlet. Find a way to say somewhere else what you wanted to say to them. Because you do have the right to speak up for yourself, it just never ends well with a narcissist and is therefore not advisable. Whether it be a journal, therapist, friend, saying it out loud once they're gone, just something so you don't bottle it up. Good luck, I'll keep you in my prayers 💕

[@GrantOakes]

Just consider what they are and don't take their behavior personal. Knowing that they have deep seated and hidden emotional damage should help you to understand why they are the way they are and you should feel sorry for their pitiful existence and STAY AWAY from them!

[@Joanna-np6fx]

Love it! The gotcha game, lost to that so many times!! Can you imagine being a daughter growing up with invalidation, relentless criticism, and being objectified. I am amazed that I got through it, which shows me I am a strong person, a survivor!

[@taralilarose1]

Ditto here!💯

[@parnelpospahala6087]

Good on you!

[@marian9410]

Both my parents and both siblings narcs. Some grandiose, some malignant, two coverts. Got played right until recently. Sister was the covert one who made me believe she understood that the other three narcs were really mean to me. then she gave away her game. I am 59 and only managed to go no contact a few months back. Can you believe the waste of years on these empty shells. I had cancer twice, lung clots, asthma. I paid big time for having my energy sucked out by these sh++s

[@deniseowen3987]

Testify!

[@morebirdsandroses]

I don't have to imagine that. It's a great feeling to find I can walk away. Now it's time to straighten my own issues out!😅❤

[@mandilynn47]

I'm learning how to be "un-nice". It's empowering. It gives me peace. The narc is getting weary! I'm not his doormat, not his mother, and certainly not his anything!

[@marieldavison5121]

Un-nice = assertive assertive + boundaries = DRC Limiting a loser/user/narc's emotional and physical access to you is being aware of your right to dignity respect and civility. There is nothing "not" nice about it. That's just how the narcs interpret it. You are likely a nice person who wants reciprocity in your relationships.~ your nature is still kind and giving just not to people who don't appreciate your good qualities. Cheers to you I hope the narc gets weary far away from you. Cheers!

[@mandilynn47]

@@marieldavison5121 thank you so much for this!

[@K.G-I.N.F.P.]

This reminds me of what a therapist once told me about crazy making behavior. She said, "you can't get upset every single time somebody who you know is unreasonable acts unreasonably". You have to foresee that and I understand that a punch in the face still hurts like a punch in the face even though you're getting into a wrestling ring with someone. That doesn't the negate the fact that it can rattle you up. You need to train yourself to not expect ANY reasonable behavior. Once you understand that, then their behavior becomes really predictable Then you can be in charge of your emotions instead of them controlling your inner world.

[@garretteverett2613]

This is very true. Once I accepted who the narcs in my life were, their confusing behaviour became laughably predictable. I could give them an inch (on something low stakes) and watch them take the whole mile in delight.

[@ginafarley6190]

Lol

[@ilovegoatsgoats]

This is well said. Any time I have made the mistake of thinking, for example, Well, he won't come at me with crazy shit at our son's wedding (or any other occasion), he has proven me dead wrong, shaken me up totally, and stolen my enjoyment of the event. It's absolutely essential to never expect, as you say, ANY reasonable behavior.

[@tanushreebishoi]

This helped me understand my dad's narcissistic behavior.

[@reneerosie]

Yes this! Acceptance is key to becoming untriggered by the narcissist.

[@DD-ih7wn]

It dawned on me that I should stop defending, fighting, explaining, get triggered inside of me first in order for me to not be triggered by them on the outside. As inside so without.

[@LindaLouise625]

@@Chris-dw7gq I think you might be talking about normal relations NOT those with a Narcissist. It is Very Unhealthy to stay at all engaged with a narcissist. They don't have empathy, don't CAre about you > At All< So important to LISTEN to Dr. C. on this topic

[@joanna0988]

Yes! My therapist had me read a book about the inner critic and it was super helpful.

[@phoenixrising33]

The reason it's healthy to speak up for yourself is that it allowes you to voice and express your feelings, needs, and preferences. In doing so, you validate and advocate for your uniqueness. It's not meant to convince the narc nor to change them.

[@joanna0988]

@@phoenixrising33 But often it just gives them more ammunition or continues the back and forth.

[@shar240]

It's all about ignoring them! Their meaness can't get to you. They get a kick out of making people pissed off 😤

[@nmc1859]

Interacting w narcissistic is so complicated, draining and unfulfilling, that i can see why walking away is highly recommended

[@camarorules1]

I believe physically moving away might be a healthy option. I’m tired of being around toxic family which I have to always suppress my true self. I deserve so much more

[@MaxShibby]

It’s tough being an empathic man married to a covert/vulnerable narcissist wife. I wish I could just be emotionally neutral, even keel, grey rock. But I feel everything so deeply. I have always been very sensitive to the feelings of others. I am just way too “emotionally permeable.” This has been an absolute curse.

[@franceshorton918]

Hello Max, I hear you and understand. My son is in a relationship with a woman who is exhibiting Narc behaviours. It's become worse since they've had two small children. My son wants to be a good father, a good partner, but his genuine loving nature is being colonised by her attitudes about child-raising. She has me in her sights now, and has successfully alienated me. But oh, I feel so sad for my son and those two little boys. Getting their hearts and spirits broken. I have to stay away, grey rock 🪨 or I get so triggered it takes weeks to get over my e.otions. You are not alone. May Spirit keep you safe and well, always!. 💛

[@Haberdashery22]

Max, you sound like my dad! He was nothing but good and kind and generous and loving with my mum. She adored him (because he spoilt her!) but she is completely nothing without him. She can't do anything, he did everything for her except cooking! He died 30 years ago and we have had to feed her emotions ever since. Everything is about her! She exhibits all the characteristics of a vulnerable narcissist.

[@elainemcdonald4117]

Being a grey rock is getting easier by the week, and it feels like a huge mental pivot for me! Like walking through fire without getting your feet burned.

[@Covert_Smalls]

Grey rock is effective, but hard to maintain, if you’re perpetually stuck with a narcissist (ie. in a home). You can deal flawlessly with the narcissist for months, but have that one hiccup with them (engage with them emotionally), and things spiral out of control quickly. You fail that one time out of 100, but it feels a lot worse than that

[@YagirlM]

Yep. It’s a prison from hell. And they financially abuse you which is why I can’t escape. I’d rather die than live here.

[@greyladydamiana]

@@YagirlMwinning at their game is the best thing. They want you to get down and dirty with them, hurt, angry etc. To refuse to fall into their trap is gratifying to the extreme. Realizing that you don’t have to defend yourself or fight that battle because they want to fight. Mel Robbin’s says when they are doing their usual routine and baiting that hook, showing themselves, LET THEM. Just observe.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

​@@YagirlMwhen you feel that way, it's time to get out.

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

I was able to do this recently. Realized that the people I was with would not (could not) listen to me as they were too busy competing to talk. Didn't like it, but just sat back, looked around at the scenery and let it go. Also made a point to seek out those I could have a conversation with and talked with them. My husband also wisely suggested walking away at a point where he could see me starting to get upset. The brief break allowed me to vent, regain my calm and make it through. It helps greatly to have support.

[@skinnyway]

good on your spouse!! so glad to hear that kind of support from the person who says they love you.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Agreed 👍

[@sturobertson6791]

I second that! To have that support from your partner.... Very special, even tho we all would like it to be the norm for everyone🙏☀️🙏

[@marian9410]

good on you. My husband is also a fantastic stabiliser for me. I did however have a go at my narc siblings recently. I didn't see it coming that my sister had been a covert narc for the past 55 years and had played a game of pretending that it was just my father and my brother. After my fathers passing, I suddenly revealed her and it blew my mind and I went all out nuke on her and the brother. Note: mother also a narc!! I am now silent except call my mother occasionally. Pleasanteries you understand, nothing more. I don't want to see any of them ever again in my life.

[@tbunnyshy1]

My guess is to truly believe their thoughts and words are of no value. Also to be mindful of our triggers. Lately I notice their tactical moves and I remain on team healthy. I don’t “act ok”, I AM ok. There’s no reaction, just me with a “sipping lemonade on the porch vibe”. 😂 (Not always but I’m getting better at it).

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Love your stance on truth! Happy to be on Team Healthy with you!!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Work in progress 👍

[@gorillabff1003]

Yes awareness has been much of the battle. I’m pretty sure my narc would still be able to trigger me with some things but the list is shrinking. Team Healthy here as well committed to going forward with Dignity, Respect and Civility (Dr. C)

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@gorillabff1003 Good for you 👍

[@sage9836]

Inspiring image - the lemonade, the porch. Ice T is my thing (the south, iced tea is often a thing with breakfast here, and on the porch) and just thinking of that vibe now calms me.

[@viccoluba]

My husband has taken over in the kitchen! He’s rearranged it to make it easier for him! He’s a hoarder and I told him that I would not tolerate it inside the house! But little by little he filled up the garage and the room that was supposed to be the office. When I started to let him know that he needs to clean up,he gave me the silent treatment! It spilled over to the bedroom and I moved into the family room. I had my patio nicely decorated with plants and stuff, but it took him only a few days before he put in a jacuzzi,plus all the exercise equipment that he never used! I was getting sicker by the day and as much as I tried to ignore him, it was eating me up.Then one day I had heartburn and I couldn’t get my heart to calm down. I had an appointment the next morning and found out that I was having a heart attack! I had triple bypass surgery and needed to be on bed rest for a while, I was dependent on him to feed me! That’s when I realized that he didn’t care about that I ate what the doctor told me,instead he made me fried chicken, nothing else with it! After watching all those videos about the Narcissist and how they can make you sick,I was shocked, now I’m stuck with him , I can’t work and I have 3 dogs and no money! Please if you’re in a relationship and you feel depressed and sick, get out before you have a heart attack!!!!

[@paulfredrickson2181]

It's difficult to not be EMOTIONAL when the Narcissist is in CONTROL of your INCOME and refuses to return your INVESTMENT so you can get away from them.

[@mystivixen5038]

I am financially dependent on my NPD mother because I am disabled, so I can relate to your frustration in a somewhat indirect way. I can’t escape her. And no one has any compassion for me. My suggestion is if you have other contacts with the narcissist in your life, to tell them what that person is doing to you. For me, I don’t have that recourse because I am the scapegoat in a toxic family so even when my stepdad physically attacked me, everyone just assumes I deserved it and accepts his and my mom’s insane idea that what makes the most sense is attacking my character instead of asking him to admit what he did and show contrition (he blames my dead father and has never apologized) - all of which to me means that I am in danger if I am ever with any of them in person, so I haven’t seen them for years, which allows my mother to be ever more vicious without any witnesses to her cruelty toward me. Typically though, all the narcissist cares about is how people perceive them. They have two faces - one for their victim (you) and one for everyone else. So if you can get the narcissist to know that other people know what they are doing to you, they are more likely to change their behavior even while they try to blame you as a bad guy for telling on them. They do not want the world to know who/how they truly are. So make it public. Even to official authorities.

[@patriciacole8773]

Record it(?)

[@michiganlighthouse]

Yep. Happened two days ago and the hole is deeper. So here I am. Again. So I found my self trying to explain. "Explaining is losing", ran thru my mind so I stopped mid sentence and left the room. So the most ridiculous words were thrown at my retreating back. My emotions screamed, this is not fair! I'm never going to have an adult relationship with my husband! I sure needed this video.

[@lovecatspiracy]

You can still go no contact with family.

[@heatherwaycott1419]

30 years for me. He cannot love himself or me. He is always the victim. Noone believes me as he seems normal to everyone else and I am the one in the wrong.

[@journeylvr]

I dumped a Husband and a Sister. Neither situation was easy!!! Stay strong!!!

[@marian9410]

@@jondhoe7023 I did dump family. big time. the brother a while ago. A sadist. the father then ghosted me because I dumped his prime source of fuel, who was my brother. The father passed recently and was a narc. the mother always was a narc. And recently my sister, after 55 years revealed herself to be a covert narc who had me all in my place by pretending that she was on my side!! the father 's passing revealed her true colours and she is dumped now as well. Call my mother occasionally, but don't want to see any of them ever again. A wonder I managed to escape and find a good husband?!?!?

[@killadjango6995]

u can't have an adult conversation with someone who thinks like a kid! my narc father has self esteem issues from stuttering as a child and being bullied by 1 of his older brothers. even though he's been successful in life, his brain is still that insecure kid who must make others feel beneath him to feel better! narcs are formed at childhood and their brains never develop. if u meet them later in life and don't their history... may the force be with u!💯💯🗣

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

I wish I had watched this a few days ago. My husband dropped me off at urgent care (fever 102.0, sinus and ear infections). I couldn't log in online on my phone to check in because I had no Internet so I got up and walked outside to see if my phone would connect - he was still sitting there watching the urgent care. I had to walk out into the rain to explain why I had come back outside. I'm not going to lie, it felt creepy. After he picked me up from the appointment I asked why he was just sitting there watching. Fireworks. Shrieking like a tea kettle. Insults about my intelligence, my family and irrelevant psycho babble. He knew how sick I was. We get home and he screams the whole way from the car, to the front porch and into the house. Our adult son opened his bedroom door alarmed and he still keeps on shrieking screaming insults at me then slams his door in my face. I'm bright red from a fever and and a heartbeat away from keeling over. All I could say from shock is "Okay". I admit I did initially fight back but stopped not out of intelligence and from knowing how not to get triggered but because I was too sick. If I had not taken the bait at all would that have made it stop sooner? Probably not but i could have at least chosen how I responded. One hour after that spectacular performance he comes out like nothing happened and asked if I wanted him to pick up my antibiotics and did I want to do Mexican food for dinner. I'll never understand him and I don't think that I want to. I also didn't fail to notice that he never answered the original question of why he was sitting there watching me inside the urgent care without leaving.

[@gigilouise2034]

Probably suspicious of what you were doing, they are so untrusting because of what they do in secret!

[@ceeceethatsme9769]

They're so unhinged ..🤪😒.

[@sandralogue1774]

Know this is an older post,but the reason for his tirade was for a very specific purpose...it was a diversion. A tactic frequently used by Narcissists to avoid answering a question that concerns anything regarding what they are doing etc.

[@tdayy31]

These people make you want to step outside yourself and do harm to them. I'm learning when he rages I just walk out. This is nit the way God intended marriage to be. It's awful. He is making me sick literally. He don't wear his ring, always saying I don't care. It's sickening. My heart goes out to you I know exactly what you're experiencing 💔

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

It seems like it's time to leave. Is there anyone who would help you, let you stay with them while you work on creating a new life?

[@Faye-Texan]

I’m thankful God helped me stay true to myself despite 34 years of marriage to a narcissist. I remained with him “for religious reasons,” praying he would change, but left to rescue myself. So thankful I didn’t lose myself in the process!

[@NicoleLafond-ji7pd]

Very proud of you 👍 I live with one 24 yrs, and I stumbled upon these videos recently and they are extremely helpful 💚🧡🤗

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Your advice is crucial to maintaining peace and stability in one’s life. We are the deciders of how we feel, not the narcissist. Thank you so much, Dr. C.

[@sturobertson6791]

Agreed. Well said. And we are the deciders of how we feel even if others do not react the way we wanted, or hoped... It's then we must work extra hard to NOT let that reaction affect our state... WE are responsible for our own happiness, calmness, etc no matter what happens on the outside. Thanks for your comment.. another learning step for me🙏☀️🙏

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

@@jondhoe7023 Or not let it land in the first place. You have the choice to take it in or not. You have the power. No one can make you feel any type of way.

[@marian9410]

well I must say I took great satisfaction from telling my narc family members exactly how idiotic they were, even if it involved some emotional outbursts. I made fun of them and they thoroughly deserved it. And I don't feel guilty about having lost my rag. it was not misplaced anger. I don't care if they use it against me. If the others in the family now think I am crazy, then it is their loss. I have gone silent though now and intend to do that with both narc siblings for the rest of my life. My mother, also a narc, I call occasionally to exchange pleasantries. Fullstop.

[@roxymovie3938]

There are two different ways to answer: 1. Emotion over mind (trigger) > by reacting 2. Mind over emotion (untriggered) > by responding Ask yourself: Where does it take you? If you choose responding (mind over emotion; grey rock technique) the outcome for you will be: > no shock anymore > no emotional surprise > no defensiveness > no agressive anger All reactions upon emotions (over mind) will "feed" Narcissists with their needed supply for their emotional immaturity pushes them. Be aware: ~ Narcissists lack good reasons. ~ They have no logic. ~ They often tell you nonsense. ~ They are good at arguing, condescension, non-cooperative. ~ Convincing, pleading simply does not work. ~ Pensive questions are futile. ~ Listening is not their strong suit. ~ Once you get hooked by your emotions, they love to take on the victim role. ~ They are interested in one person only - themselves. ~ Their emotional immaturity pushes them. ~ Their patterns have been ongoing for decades. 》Do not play into their "Gotcha" Game! 》Detache as possible! 》Your dream will not come true! Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another insightful lesson

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Roxy...great notes!

[@roxymovie3938]

@@SurvivingNarcissism you are welcome, Dr Carter .. and thanks to you for your ongoing effort!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Thanks for this 🙏

[@roxymovie3938]

@@amandaliverpool3374 you are welcome, Amanda🙏

[@josephineclark3239]

Thank You Dr. Carter. I AM FREE!!! 🙏❤️

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

As long as we are in contact with a narcissist, you will always be triggered. The only trick that works is going no contact.

[@susannakotoff7095]

yep no contact is the only way with gaslighting narc sil and flying monkey husband and bully mil

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

@susanna kotoff yep. They are sick and bitter people. We will never win. They are so self-absorbed they cannot view anyone else as someone with emotions and needs. That is why they will continue to abuse us. Going no contact is the only way.

[@zaidarivas7152]

Exactly. I did that. It’s soooo peaceful

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

@@zaidarivas7152 I wouldn't trade it for the world. Narcissists do not want peace and personal growth and happiness for their targets.

[@zaidarivas7152]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 it’s a game of control and domination, subjugation really. Emotional subjugation is the goal. It’s so crazy. My family isn’t the best but the narcissist was literally wreaking havoc. She finally snubbed us. I hope she stays away so that we can heal. Demonic does not begin to describe narcissists.

[@jendra9549]

I’ve been in a relationship for 20 years with a narcissist, when I stay calm and won’t take the bait he will flip it and say “ look how cold and emotionless you are, you don’t care about anyone but yourself “ then of course when I react, I’m crazy and unreasonable… it’s exhausting

[@vaska1999]

Is it really worth it?

[@lindsayschilling8707]

That is exactly why they behave in this manner - to get a rise out of you. Oh, man, I'd absolutely hate being one of them! What an absolute waste of a life! Yikes!! Yes, I have a full-blown narcissist in my life: my mother, the human woodchipper.

[@buffalogal9139]

A detached "Whatever" as you are leaving the room.

[@NicoleLafond-ji7pd]

Lollll mine tells me the same thing😂 he has the nerve to say to me that"I only care about myself" Lollll

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

No emotional response to a narcissist is a shield for us - narcissists use our emotions as bullets against us. Thank you dr Carter ❤ God bless you❤

[@trishf2184]

Every single conversation is a competition..it's exhausting. Such a dam shame too. Married the guy and did NOT see this train wreck coming

[@62WILDCAT]

When my now ex husband told me to "stop breathing like that" I stiffled a laugh until I got inside away from him ! Looked at myself in the mirror & said " did he just try to tell me how to breathe ?!! " Laughed out loud then 😂 I'd answered his demand by telling him that I could only listen to his words if I continued deep slow breathing ! That shut him up !!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I know. In and out. Inhale and exhale. Terrible habit we have. 🙄I do this all the time 🤣 I gather you came to the same conclusion...you chose NOT to breath the SAME air as him or rather... not allow HIM to breathe YOUR air 🤗

[@sturobertson6791]

Your comment gave me both a smile and reassurance.... As well as the annoying habit of breathing, I was insulted / interrogated / made to feel like I'd done something wrong for my other annoying habits such as sitting, brushing my teeth, saying good morning, putting a cup of tea "in the wrong place" and, Errr.. working... Yes, I got the treatment simply for getting up on time and going to work. Confused for 5 years.. And when I laughed / smiled as you did... that triggered the rages. I'm free now, but I still have all those annoying habits😊🙏☀️🙏

[@Shinybuddies]

Apparently, the way I descend a flight of stairs is offensive . . .

[@sturobertson6791]

@@Shinybuddies I'd love to be able to say to you it'll change (the reaction, not the way you go downstairs) But sadly, it seems the craziness does not change. My response to your comment is to say to you... Go down the stairs exactly as you wish! And all the best Shinybud🙏☀️

[@marian9410]

I blew up on narc mother, malignant narc brother, covert narc sister (she only recently revealed herself but I should have seen the signs!!). told them exactly how idiotic they were and made fun of their inconsistencies a few times after the passing of my narc father as they were all stealing away my inheritance. now I got rid of all I have to say to them and I am going no contact with the siblings. the mother I call occasionally out of politeness. Exchange platitudes. but other than that I am done. Lawyers will sort inheritance once the mother passes. Bye-bye. You don't deserve me

[@janetdeutsch]

My husband has been so "normal" the last two weeks... no snide, condescending remarks, yelling, self pity, yada yada. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop any time now. Time for me to withdraw, stifle my comments, and disappear so I don't get triggered. I'm well aware of the mood cycle that goes on here. Dr. C has been a tremendous help. Thanks.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Two weeks does not a mature person make!

[@journeylvr]

Why are you letting his behavior control you? He wins again by controlling your behavior… good luck to you…

[@patriciacole8773]

@@journeylvrWRONG winning denotes attaining a VALUABLE goal. They will always be the underdog in every life situation ‼️

[@karenwinstanley7939]

They drain your energy they don’t want to hear they are wrong no matter if they say sorry they just do that same thing that triggers you and hurts you and they are the victim when you call them out it’s just a vicious cycle you have to be out of 🙏🦋

[@sthomas4634]

I found a word that allows me to respond with no emotion and doesn’t illicit any response. When the narc says anything ridiculous or hurtful I say “sure” and move on.

[@aaronkwolfe]

The ones I used were “Oh,” and “Huh.” It was a non-responsive response that conveyed understanding, but not acceptance.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Or interesting 🤔

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

I stumbled upon "whatever gets you through the day" and I have yet to try it.

[@user-jk3vu7tv3y]

I'm 63 years old and have been with my covert narcissitic husband for 40 years. The last 14 years I live my own life. He can't get to me because I have absolutely no love or care for him. There are days when I don't speak one word to him. When I do speak to him it is usually one or two words in response to a question he asked me. I have my own room, I make my own plans with my own friends and live my life like he doesn't really exsist. Every onces in a while it gets to him and he tries to push my buttons and wants to "talk" He can't push my buttons any more because I don't care anymore and expect nothing from him. When he tries to talk to me I just say sorry I don't ride the crazy train anymore and go into my room or go to a friend's for coffee. I have learned to completely detach from him.

[@rondasparks]

The trick is this : laugh 😂, leave, and love yourself! Realize that they are mentally ill with no cure , do not respond to them at all , just do what you want to do ! ❤

[@cathyr.5360]

Let crazy be crazy! 👍🏼

[@NatalyaBliss]

Yesterday I had a conversation with my narcissistic relative and he tried to use my depression as a way of manipulating the conversation. I didn’t falter , didn’t stumble or get frustrated or flustered . And held him fully accountable for what he did .

[@GemSugar17]

I'm not sure if my person has narcissistic traits from a neglectful upbringing, or is a narcissist. But it hurts my feelings to have such one sided communication and be so misunderstood. It was an almost 11 year relationship and my heart is just broken .

[@killadjango6995]

sounds like u know already! it starts at childhood. u tube dr Phil how to deal with narcissist. he 1000% correct! I know my father's history so I put it together quick, they're pathetic, they don't love themselves enough to truly love anyone. 💯🎯

[@mamadoom9724]

Ugh I know exactly how you feel. I don’t think there’s anything so frustrating as being constantly misunderstood. My guy had terrible childhood neglect because he was raised by mentally unstable drug addicted parents. They were always either homeless or on the verge of homelessness. It actually makes me feel bad for him, like if it weren’t for his childhood he could’ve been a normal person. But the intense gaslighting and emotional manipulation is beyond frustrating and if it goes on I’m going to have to leave. I’ve been with mine almost 10 years and I do love him so that’s a sad thought.

[@patriciacole8773]

My previous husband said when I told him I was pregnant why should he do anything good for anyone else because nobody ever did anything good for him.

[@chriselliott368]

The hook is in us. It's completely natural to want to connect at a feeling level with others. It's called Bonding. And when these narcissists twist that need and turn it into a way to torture you without mercy, it's really triggering. It's *imperative* to understand, through every cell of your body, that there is NO WAY they are ever going to stop. And then we can turn away with a quiet sigh and say, "Ah, well. Grey rock it is" .....

[@bca-qq7gq]

when I'm around the narcs in my life I always remind myself: 1 they are not going to change and 2 it's not my fault. it helps to keep my emotions in check and enjoy their ridiculousness.

[@henrykujawa4427]

I KNOW all these months of watching Dr. Carter videos is helping me at work. Last week, my younger client blew up at me for something completely ridiculous. Instead of argueing or getting angry, I found myself LAUGHING. HE got more pissed. "Oh, now you're LAUGHING at me!" I just SHOOK MY HEAD as to say, "Yep!" About 10-15 minutes later, everything was fine. (Although, 2 days later, he MIS-QUOTED me from the earlier incident. Typical, isn't it? Accusing you of saying something you DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY. I simply didn't respond.)

[@suzanne4396]

I decided 2023 is narc-free; I've wasted nearly 8 and a half years of my life focusing on him. It's my year. As well as the rest of them.. he doesn't deserve me & never did.

[@shar240]

Their relentless. They go on for years being hateful, mean, and toxic 😧 They want you to get mad. I ignore their behavior 😂🙂

[@richgarcia1239]

I have a name for this I call it the FUNHOUSE! you get in line nervously knowing that once you go in the floor moves the walls warp and the lights flicker. You walk out the other end questioning your sanity and tell yourself you will never do that again. Before you realize what's going on you got your ticket in hand waiting in line like a little kid just to walk back in and repeat the FUNHOUSE experience all over again. My mom is in her late 70's and has been in this cycle since she was 13🤯😒. Dr. Carter your Chanel helped her and our family explain alot of things. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@patriciacole8773]

Strange but very accurate analogy

[@jmfs3497]

I was a people-pleaser and also overly defensive due to CPTSD from unknowingly having an OCPD parent that walked all over the entire family. I thought getting away from it was getting over it, but once an OCPD coworker became my manager at work it triggered me and I fell into old patterns of trying to please a relentlessly unpleasable person. I now understand that there is some Narcissistic comorbidity with OCPD, and that Grey Rocking was the most important step in regaining my boundaries with a toxically controlling disordered person. Learning to stop people-pleasing and being defensive came naturally after Grey Rocking for a bit. I tell myself now that ACTIONS are everything, and words don't mean much.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Sorry that you went through any of that. Thanks for sharing. Because it helped me, and I'm sure it will help others. I pray that things are better for you and yours in the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ of NAZARETH. AMEN.

[@sturobertson6791]

Wow. I read your comment and it went straight to the part of my brain that needs to learn these things. Thank you. 🙏 For me a big step was learning WHY I people pleased so much... Changing your thinking from being focussed on others to being focussed on self care has improved my relationships with healthy others, and taught me to distance myself from toxic people. Thanks, and good luck 🙏☀️☀️🙏

[@carolyn4423]

YES! "ACTIONS are everything, and words don't mean much." !!

[@jobo8819]

Taken me many years to learn not to react to a narcissist. (Sibling) The minute he starts, I just go quiet and let him do his thing as I simply dont have the patience or energy for it anymore. Love him to bits but I've found showing my diisinterest/detachment from him at times, really takes the wind out of his sails as he knows he's lost my attention. Things are getting better.

[@journeylvr]

Good for you being able to love this person!

[@jobo8819]

@@journeylvr lol yes I'm one of the only siblings who get on with him. I suggested this channel to him few weeks back and has really helped. Family relations/get togethers are becoming so much more tolerable as he now recognising some of his combative traits. We are never too old to change I feel.

[@stella6516]

I'm sorry for all of you who don't have a choice, but if you do, do not deal with narcissists.

[@alexarihani2902]

I left the military so I could have the choice who I worked with.

[@WinterWarlock261]

My biggest mistake is trying to reason with the narcissist as if they were an adult. I know they'll be emotionally dysregulated at that moment and therefore defensive and irrational. But I keep having the misguided belief that if you try to reason with them they will eventually self-reflect, be honest with themselves, and see it from your perspective once they are no longer on the defensive. Or that they will be prepared to be honest and take accountability by seeing, at least, what their part in it was and how what they did might have had a factor in the outcome. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Even if they don't agree, to at least acknowledge there is the POSSIBLITY that they might have had a factor in the outcome. That is what adults do. Especially when something seems so incredibly obvious. But sadly, a narcissist is an irrational and emotionally stunted 5-year old child AT ALL TIMES and can NEVER accept responsibility for ANYTHING whatsoever or be reasoned with in the slightest. Imagine someone drinks, gets in a car, drives, and hits someone. Who is responsible? The person drinking and driving. It is quite obvious. And yet, if the drunk driver comes back and argues: a) It is the car's fault. I didn't hit that person, the car did! Blame the car, not me! (But YOU were DRIVING the car!) b) It is the alcohol that influenced me! Blame the alcohol, not me! (But YOU were the one DRINKING!) c) It is the OTHER person's fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time! (Somehow the drunk driver is the "victim" and the pedestrian that got hit is the "villain") d) I was yelled at by someone, which made me go drink and then later drive. It's THAT person's fault for yelling at me! (And yet, they didn't make you drink and didn't make you drive - YOU did that!) e) I had a rough childhood! It was my mother's/father's fault! They were mean to me! Hold THEM accountable for this, not me! (They weren't the ones drinking and driving, YOU were! They didn't hit that pedestrian, YOU did!) f) It is someone else's fault for seeing me drink and drive and THEM not being responsible by stopping/preventing me! (eg: The bartender). (No one forced them to drive drunk - THEY did that!) So this means it is the fault of: The car, the alcohol, the pedestrian that got hit, prior circumstances that was not directly related, childhood, or someone else's fault. But NEVER EVER the actual person doing the crime. They're either the "hero" or the "victim". And any attempt to hold them accountable for their actions, they view as an "unjustified attack" on them where they get to play the "victim" for being "so viscously attacked by a monster like you!" (read: a sane and rational person holding someone accountable for their actions, expecting THEM to be a sane and rational person) (Note: "You" refers to the individual in question, not you the reader) They just can NEVER take accountability for themselves, no matter how obvious it is. I can't tell if the person is joking by taking one of these approaches, delusional, being sarcastic, or is mentally ill. And it is so incredibly obvious that a 10-year old could see it in a second. But, you're not dealing with a 10-year old child. You're dealing with an "entitled" emotionally stunted 5-year old child who can NEVER be reasoned with, ever, and is constantly throwing temper tantrums, and will NEVER EVER grow up. They're PERMANENTLY at that stage for the rest of their lives. And will NEVER EVER take accountability EVER for ANYTHING they say or do.

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

I feel the exact same way as you do about it. I never know if they are being sarcastic or if they are mentally ill or if they are really that stunted even if they are 57 years old like my sister. It's just so painfully obvious that something is wrong and it's just so unbelievable that they will not admit it or take any ownership or accountability for anything okay sometimes you feel like you literally want to kill them but then you realize that it is not worth going to jail for a piece of garbage like that. I feel exactly like you do about this stuff. You just can't believe that they cannot reason or or see what you're saying. Then they put in the nasty comments at the same time they are deflecting what you say. It's almost like they are the devil itself. Like they are a monster here to challenge us on a spiritual level. It's something supernatural sometimes I think. It can't be real. I can never get used to it

[@marieldavison5121]

I always think of the Slot Machine Effect ~ you know the machine is programmed to floss you. You are only a means to an end. It will never care about you. Period. Accept that fact. It won't change that which benefits it. I hear your frustration and your understanding. Cheers to you.

[@whynot2934]

@WinterWarlock - exactly!

[@henrykujawa4427]

"rough childhood" 3-1/2 YEARS ago, my younger home care client tried to explain to me that THIS was why my older home care client acted the way he did. But, he also tried to say he'd always been physically active, and was having trouble suddenly being restricted, and was frustrated. Now, all this may be true. But when I look at MY own life... I realize that by comparison, my client HAS NOT THE SLIGHTEST CLUE what real frustration is. NONE. And I didn't turn out selfish or nasty. The last few weeks, I've come up with a personal mantra (one I know I can't repeat to my clients, as it would do no good): "Irritation is NO EXCUSE for OBNOXIOUSNESS."

[@killadjango6995]

ur exactly right!! where their trauma started is where their brains stop developing!!💯💯🎯

[@riteasrain]

"Ask questions to make them pensive and insightful", ah yes, that hit home. Proven many many times to not work.

[@anka2112]

Not reacting : it’s like gaining immunity to narcissism. The ”virus” will need to find an other victim in order to replicate.

[@daisydaffsforever723]

He always makes me feel like I am the problem and after the past 2 years, which have been the most traumatic I am in the mind to just keep a blank face and let him take control as he has never ever listened to me. I am 60 now and I have a few more years to wait for my freedom. I shall attempt to keep sane until then. The pain is very deep and the trust is dead. He has persuaded himself that we are starting over but I am not convinced as he refuses to accept my boundaries....God help me or take me now.....I am happy to go anytime

[@Kayprofessor]

Same, I’m going through this too

[@jammyjay917]

What triggers me is they think everything has to be on their terms....but I know I mustn't react, but it's hard not to react at times because I don't want to be a doormat....

[@reneerosie]

Accepting said person is indeed a narcissist AND accepting that they're never going to change helps me to remain untriggered.

[@angellady7773]

Does the narcissist always or most always talk and think negative? Talks over us, louder? Changes subject when we bust them in a lie, seems to hate apologizing or not do at all?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

They are negative by nature. E.G. unable to trust, seeing flaws in others as they "validate" their own superiority, constantly the victim.

[@Itsmeandiamok]

This is when the saying “let the garbage take itself out” comes in handy ☺️

[@sarahmurphy7838]

Also, "good riddance to bad rubbish"

[@pamnz4181]

That would be a good response after enduring a rant, instead of being triggered you could say “oh that reminds me, the rubbish needs taking out”

[@ashanai.8784]

Living with a Narcissist is like Groundhog Day, different day Same B.S. Tune It Out as to finally give up, it ain't ever gonna change 🥴

[@LaurenBeau1979]

Best thing is no response! Drives them crazy!!!

[@yusi2966]

Sometimes I play dumb to their provocations. They keep throwing traps, and I still avoid what they trow at my direction, pretending to not understand, by being too literal in my answers. When they see that they cannot get me to react, they get tired and change subjects.

[@maxwell-cole]

Can't wait to hear your take on this topic Dr. C! They always try to trigger you, get you to react, then blame-shift and deflect by focusing on your response. Also, I've learned from you not to react, but do respond and always remain un-triggered. Can't wait!

[@amandaroberts5111]

@@Chris-dw7gq My narc brother, 67 bought the house opposite me, and finds reason to come over to mine, but l am hardly ever invited to his, and he is getting worse with age.

[@Jessica-zf2df]

May I ask how you respond but don't react. I've seen this said recently on another site and didn't get it then either. Isn't responding reacting? Can you give me an example please. Maybe I didn't listen properly to the video but Dr C's voice is so calming I keep nodding off.

[@keplermission]

@@Jessica-zf2df If they hurt you, respond by leaving immediately and NEVER give a 2nd chance ... NEVER!

[@Jessica-zf2df]

@@keplermission but what if you're not in a position to leave. Like with close family members. How could you respond to them saying something hurtful without reacting? Thanks for replying by the way.

[@keplermission]

@@Jessica-zf2df Wayel first we don't say 'but' and then ask a question. You know maybe you are ignorant and hurt them first? But ... if they want to hurt you, they're not safe, like barbed wire, you go no further with them and as Dr Carter says your first priority is to get to a safe place. Just turn around and walk away from them and don't show that you got hurt, as Dr Carter says, 'your words don't make me tremble'.

[@kw25627]

I have to get over the urge to vomit just from being in the same room with them before I can control my emotions.

[@ZarpeParadise]

"I hope you become that person the narcissist is unable to match pitch with" Golden words Dr. Carter and my new year's resolution! Thank You again for a year well served to your following. PEACE & 💖

[@marieldavison5121]

Yes. If we mirror their behavior we become like them. We have to take the high road ~ not always easy when they trigger us like the masters that they are. Cheers.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@marieldavison5121 Couldn't agree more 👍🙏

[@sturobertson6791]

Yep I agree.. It's a really good new years resolution, along with other gems that Doc C says. Peace and rage free 2023 for me.. Unlike previous years, thanks to all here and Doc C for showing me how 🙏☀️☀️🙏

[@ZarpeParadise]

@@sturobertson6791 Yes and YES, rage free 2023!!✌

[@sturobertson6791]

@@ZarpeParadise 👍👍☀️☀️

[@ohpohp481]

The gotcha moment happened to me so many times! My spouse loves to criticize and disrespect. Nothing and no one measures up to her expectations, and shes very vocal about it. I reacted angrily many times when baited by unjust criticisms or ridiculous accusations. Thanks to Dr.C. I'm learning the gray rock method, but I have to be vigilant because the disrespect can come out of nowhere and take me by surprise. If she catches me on a bad day I can forget myself and respond in righteous anger. Living with a narcissist is an ongoing ordeal!

[@vaska1999]

I don't think it's worth it. I've realized that I'd rather not be in a relationship than be in a relationship like that.

[@nemmie007]

Thanks for showing me the humor in the futility of the last 14 years of my life married to a covert narcissist! It truly does help!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@lindaadams1008]

I've gone no contact for twenty-five years, and recently, my narcissist family member sent me a card. That card represents overstepping boundaries. It has absolutely nothing to do with love. The narcissist only goal is to get close to enough to destroy you. Stay safe.

[@MrZdvy]

I understand all this, better to ignore these horrible people. BUT....one of the reasons narciissistic people are the way the are is because nobody ever said NO to them.

[@on_my_own_two_feet]

In other words, give up on having an honest and adult relationship with a person whose only goal is to find your chain and yank it. It is not happening. No matter how sad it makes you feel, how frustrated you get and how angry their inability to have a relationship with you makes you. That ship has not sailed - it has never been open for boarding. The picture of a reasonable person that you saw was a mirage. There has never been an adequate adult on the other side of your conversations. Just smoke and a lot of mirrors. Give up. Let go. Your emotions and you being triggered is all due to your inability to give up the dream on of the other, who has never actually existed.

[@lo-ul8nq]

Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true Both of my parents are Narcissists, and so is my grandmother and other family members. Narcissists are liars. Narcissists don't know the true you at all they don't want to know about you. Narcissists are pure evil souls that are from the Devil. Narcissists always put you down to make them feel good. Narcissists are sick individuals. Narcissists always say something is wrong with you when it's them that have a mental illness. Narcissists don't like the truth at all. Narcissists it's all about them they are adults trapped inside a child's body it's all about them. Naracists are close mind people. The best way to not play there game Is to set boundaries and stay calm and silent don't feed into them. Narcissists don't love you they don't know how to love at all.

[@Manekiinekochan]

When they said people don’t listen to understand, but to respond, they were talking about narcissists 😑

[@patriciacole8773]

Good point

[@sage9836]

I would like if I FEEL untriggered instead of just acting, so this will be the ticket!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

That makes sense!

[@marieldavison5121]

Me too ~ I know how to eat my feelings and not react ~ I want to just not care.

[@snowy4282]

It is hard when we have spent extended periods of time under sympathetic nervous system control. My fight or flight response has a hair trigger. Maybe the trick is to channel that into assertiveness. I think that the ability to Not React is half the battle. Then, we have gifted ourselves the time to think things through. I am hoping that it will become more automatic over time, and I will spend less time explaining to myself that their nasty behavior says everything about them, and nothing about me. Wishing serenity for us all. ❤

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@snowy4282 The way you've responded and not reacted to 'challenges and situations' , that I've witnessed, has been a true testament to your healing journey❣🕯

[@snowy4282]

@@amandaliverpool3374 🤗 You are such a lovable person! Thank you for kindness. 🕯

[@bonnieforman9700]

I was triggered recently, and reacted with some emotional intensity. Then the next day, remembering the best method to get rid of the narc and to their surprise, I went gray rock instead of continuing the intensity. He acted like nothing happened and so did I. Won't ever trust him again though.

[@notadem406]

"I can't believe someone can get so worked up over nothing."Ever heard that one before? I wish I had found these videos years ago. Hindsight is 20/20.

[@steadypace1262]

"Delicate detachment" thank you I like that.👍🙂

[@shar240]

I don't like fake people 😒

[@steadypace1262]

@@shar240 I don't either, it's good to know the red flags of a narcissist finally because narcissism is growing out there at a fast rate.🕊

[@shar240]

@@steadypace1262 It is?! I was thinking it's always been around, I just didn't know the signs. Narcissist like to be pushy, and they don't get to push me around

[@steadypace1262]

@@shar240 Yes it's been around since the start of mankind and it's going to get a lot worse, more people are hardening their hearts.

[@shar240]

@@steadypace1262 I think more people aren't falling for their BS mind games. We're on to them from good channels like this one, who teach us not to react to nonsense.

[@user-cf3iz6cl5q]

I´ll have to listen to this a lot of times before my narc MIL comes to visit us 🥴

[@AJRich-pw1zm]

There is no 'winning' with a narcissist at their game. The only game to be played is space and time. Time and space (firm boundaries) will allow the logic and reason to supplant/manage the crazy emotions a narcissist loves to trigger.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

From what Dr.C has taught us... Calm confidence against juvenile behaviour, no reactive responses and rise above the taunting.

[@snowy4282]

Very handy toolbox. Well worth the effort to develop those skills. ❤

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@snowy4282 God loves a trier 👍

[@sturobertson6791]

Agreed. Well said Amanda. Calm confidence. Takes time to get that skill right.

[@snowy4282]

@@amandaliverpool3374 That one is frame worthy. I am not embarrassed in the least to say that I need the reminders sometimes. One day soon, I need to sort out my cross-stitch and preserve some of these basic truths as folk art, for myself and the younger generation. I had never heard that one before you mentioned it. I like it a lot !

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@sturobertson6791 🙂

[@shelbycatherinemcintyre5744]

This was the best description of situations Ive landed in with them. Ive always been the type of person to not just give in and have always stood up for myself so I used to find it difficult not to fall into their trap everytime a while back. The more I'd defend myself and try to get them see what my point of view is, they'd end up getting louder, Begin using foul language, name-calling, and the way they would talk to me is no way I would ever speak to anyone. Its like they start getting nasty just to deliberately hurt your feelings. I dont get as triggered as much as I used to but these videos have helped me tremendously🥲😇

[@stevenkovler5133]

This is exactly what happened to me tonight when talking with my wife who I am separated from! She called me a dumb MFer. I never once called her a name in three years of marriage!

[@sturobertson6791]

@@stevenkovler5133 Steven I hear you and we've both worn the exact same T shirt. Can I add... 100 variations of... A piece of sh**, a mad f***ed up fake lieing cu**, a sad old fu**er... Use your imagination. Too many and too bad to write here. Glad you are free.... I can imagine how off balance it makes you feel if you still experience it... Calm peaceful refuse to be triggered... Good luck.. 🙏☀️☀️🙏

[@ZarpeParadise]

Once you realize they don't listen, you won't have much to say.

[@sturobertson6791]

@@ZarpeParadise yes! And it makes you wonder what exactly is it that they DO hear when you talk to (with?) them... especially if you are talking about emotional stuff, or god forbid, pouring your heart out to them. They certainly hear enough in those times to use it against you later on 🙏☀️

[@ZarpeParadise]

@@sturobertson6791 Once the friendbreaker was revealed when she told me what she found scrolling/reading on her phone while I was talking in earnest. Multitasking faux pas.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

This is one for me personally that takes time as well as certain specific steps but definitely at the top of the step list is time… and distance. It also helps to have witnesses… for two reasons- one, to witnesses the narcissist’s ridiculousness… and two, to witness your calm determination to respond sensibly. The last time i was physically with my mum, she shook her finger in my face for a hot sixty seconds or more. She was telling me a random story about another family member. It was bizarre… as she told the story, she was visibly getting heated as though the story was somehow about her. As she told the story, she became more and more heated as though she was taking on the anger of the person within her story. It was so bizarre. At some point in her story telling, she raised her finger to about two inches from my face and shook it there for like i said about a minute or so while finishing her story. We were both sitting on a park bench (so i couldn’t just get up and move away from her without leaning into her finger because it was that close to my face) and my two adult children were standing in front of us also listening to (and witnessing) her story. If i had been standing, i might have stepped back when her finger came to my face. She’s done this to me before… with more than just stories. I use to respond to this uncomfortable trigger by physically pushing her hand out of my face. That was exactly what she wanted… she wanted my retaliation. Or i might have told her to “get your finger out of my face.” To which she responded many times, “My finger is not IN your face” and then she would spiral into a knock down drag out verbal war of how i hate her and how i think she’s a B… none of which are true but would trigger me nonetheless to engage in her stupidity. Choosing to not be around her as often as i use to be AND practicing (by way of learning more about triggers and how to handle them) my own personal self control AS WELL AS self empowerment, this most recent time of her disrespectful finger shaking trigger received a calm DRC response. I figured if the minute or so turned into a longer session of her ridiculousness, i would have had to respectfully say something. But for the minute or so that she did it, i calmly and coolly let her… and her grands got to witness it. When she was finished talking and she dropped her finger, i slowly turned my head to connect eyes with my kids and she (my mum) saw their eyes and mine meet in a way she most likely has never experienced but might like to (who really knows.) Then she took on a look that let each of us know she had forgotten anyone else was with us while she was doing to me what she had done many times while i was growing up and there was no one around to witness and definitely no one around to defend me. She knew at that moment she could not deny her inappropriate and unacceptable behavior had been completely disrespectful. My being able to stay strong while gray rocking her the entire minute or more AS WELL AS having my kids witness her stupidity (and also witness my collected composure) FOR ME was like someone reinforcing the foundation of a building to make it stronger and better for the future. My journey of distancing myself from my mum’s abusive behaviors began many many years ago and i am just now finally feeling the freedom from guilt and shame of no longer putting up with the kind of behaviors that might trigger anyone and not just me. Time is a huge key to unlocking the door to more freedom. So to anyone who’s read this far and might have or is experiencing this kind of trigger… hang in there! Keep listening. Keep learning. Apply what you learn. Let time (and distance) be your friends. You can do this. You are and always have been a loving as well as lovable person who is so very deeply loved! Real love makes tough decisions. You got this!!! (edited for typos)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for all this, Kelly. You deserve so much better! And yes, you can move on to better things!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Wow. I'm so proud of you. That takes guts. She really is a troubled soul that doesn't deserve to have you or her grandchildren any were near her. Respect ❣

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@amandaliverpool3374 i appreciate you, Amanda! Thank you. I was in my thirties when i decided enough was enough. I had no idea at that time it was narcissism but i was smart enough to know she is most definitely a troubled soul. And there is no way she, being from the generation that she is, would ever consider therapy. I knew and understood that then and have had it confirmed over and over again these days in my fifties from professionals like DrC. I’ve heard so many people say they wouldn’t go back to change their past because their past is part of who the are today. I say- if i could go back with the knowledge that i have today, i would… not to change anything other than the timing of having access to answers where i had questions… questions i knew were being asked by people like myself as well as professionals like DrC who had the means to both study and then share what they studied with people like me who had no idea where to look other than inwardly and upwardly while waiting. Time is something we can not control. I wouldn’t change my experiences but i would definitely change the timing of them. Light and love to you, sistah! Peace and power in the new year!!! (darn typos haha)

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@AlwaysStampinVideos If people look at typing errors or grammar then they are not reading the comment or seeing you properly. And, you're in your fifties like me. Fifty is the new forty didn't you know 🙂

[@marieldavison5121]

Hey ASV ~ I can see how your experience with your mum on the park bench would have been soooo provoking. Good for you for not reacting other than to have your lads validate that the behavior struck them as unacceptable. This is the thing that kills me about dealing with these people is the onus is on us not to react when the onus really should be on them not to disrespect us in the first place! Love your PMA & encouragement ~ I can see how you really want to break the cycle of abusive behavior for you & your kids ~ me too. Regards.🙂

[@vickywright4623]

I was so needing this video! I recently “gave up”! I chose me after 60 years and it has been so unbelievably wonderful! I am not the kind of person to give up but I was exhausted physically and mentally! I didn’t get angry I just quietly starting looking out for me. I was pushed and shoved around so much by a close family member. I tried everything to keep the relationship a calming and happy one but they didn’t operate like that! Gone I am and moved across the state! I quit trying to get in touch and after all of the years that I was ran over like gravel on a back road I am finally taking care of me. I would advise anyone suffering with a relationship with a narcissist and selfish person get out and give up! You won’t believe the calmness will come quickly! You are worth it!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Vicky!

[@carolcasey5441]

Well done. ❤️❤️❤️👍

[@margaretbutler4174]

I wish this was true for me. I carry the narcissistic stuff with me since I grew up oppressed by mother&2 older sisters. It still lives in my head...but I suppose I'm more aware now. I thought I was "doing it right" and can now see I was hard on my daughter at times. But she knows I love her dearly. Hard on others, lifelong from all of the chronic emotional abuse I was the whipping b oy for as youngest of 3 girls in a family with extreme narcissism... ty that I can unload...!

[@morebirdsandroses]

​@@margaretbutler4174Take your time and take care of yourself. With narcs as parents and a narc sister, it's been the way I knew but, boy, am I wising up! Best wishes for your success. 🌹🌹

[@ollia]

"A person who would argue with a tree stump" 😂👍

[@Chesterfierce]

I’m the most triggered when I see people I love on the receiving end of the narc’s game. I am like a mama bear when it comes to my loved ones and will not sit by while someone is being nasty to them. But now, either I leave or ask the narcissist to leave rather firmly.

[@miketexas4549]

When they enter the space you're in (office, phone call, room at home, etc) repeat to yourself - either mentally or under your breath - "it's only words, it's only words, it's only words." Then when their inevitable, outlandish crap they constantly berate you with hits you, it just bounces off harmlessly. GREY ROCK is the best course.

[@CJ-jq4lv]

I have tried being silent and now the psycho starts answering himself!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That made me chuckle!

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Oh, dear Lord! So, now he is answering for you in order to have an excuse to start his crazy-making. 😮 😅 Sorry for laughing; it's not funny when they start their sh*t, but this is beyond crazy-making. If you can, RUN!!!

[@emmsue1053]

They love to upset you, it makes them feel happier, a boost to their ego.. "I am a happier person than they are".. Think of them as a cartoon because that's what they are, incapable of any deep thoughts or feelings. Cardboard cutouts!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I so get what you're saying.

[@patriciacole8773]

Oh! Two dimensional. Because the third is a living soul. They have physical and mental. But no spiritual.

[@CutieBootie__]

no contact is all i can do. i cant even read his text messages, now that i left my narc abuser. i dont even want to. my life without him is so much better. makes no contact a pretty easy choice. i wouldnt have made it this far without you, dr. c

[@carmellewis2466]

I love how your cute dog is clearly "done" with the topic of narcissism!

[@flash_flood_area]

This is exactly what I'm having to do with a certain person in my daily life. On Christmas Eve, no less, he staged a public tantrum, during which he screamed slurs at me in my own front yard; simply because I politely asked him to do a single 5 minute task, that he had been passive aggressively delaying, while I had spent the entire day scrubbing and cleaning. This was the 3rd time in a year that he has screamed insults at me for no legitimate reason; but it's the 1st time he's done it in public, and it is the last. He will now get no further supply from me. No shows of anger, frustration, or annoyance; and no cheerfulness nor friendliness either. He has shown that he'll use anything as a tool to gain complete power over me. Since the Christmas Eve incident, I have remained civil, but gray rock towards him. It is my only option currently. It was really hard to avoid reacting to his screaming slurs at me, right in front of my own home; but I knew that a reaction from me was his goal. He was hoping I would react, so that he could have some way to appear justified in painting me as the big meanie. Ever since, he's been trying hard to act like nothing happened, like we're still buddies. Nope. I am not buddies with anyone who treats me like that. Friendliness is over. We are done. Since Christmas Eve, he has been trying every trick in his little baby gamebook, to get either a positive or a negative reaction from me. Nope. He's not getting either. He'll just have to get that from somebody else. I can be extremely dull and boring in his presence, no problem.

[@jeanetteshawredden5643]

Flash Flood: Well said.

[@marieldavison5121]

Oh they love to provoke a reaction ~ that's how they get their "Gotcha" moments where they look all victimized and you look like the meanie. Experts at Blame shifting. Sounds like he/she threw a tantrum to distract from them not doing the requested task. Slight of hand distraction if you ask me. Your well rid of this crap. Cheers.

[@flash_flood_area]

@@marieldavison5121 Thanks! It's almost funny, but really just sad to see him trying soo hard now to resurrect a semblance of friendship with me. He met me at the door tonight with a big grin. I was carrying a small bag of work-related supplies, plus a little something for my dogs. "Oh boy! Did you bring me a present?!" he asked. 🙄 I just calmly said "No, I didn't."... but what an incredible amount of nerve! Probably hoping I'd say something like "After what you did to me on Saturday?" That way he could enjoy relishing just how far he'd gotten under my skin. He'd have had his next 'gotcha' moment, but I didn't play his game.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@flash_flood_area 🎯 🙂

[@marieldavison5121]

@@flash_flood_area Awesome! You're being played ~ glad you didn't take the bait.