The truth about good relationships: tea over rice

[@psychacks]

The truth about good relationships is that good relationships are boring. No one particularly likes to admit this, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. Good relationships are stable, reliable, predictable, and free of drama. This is neither particularly interesting nor exciting. In general, one's capacity to have a good relationship is directly correlated with one's ability to tolerate boredom. Using Yasujiro Ozu's metaphor for marriage -- the flavor of tea over rice -- we can appreciate the humble simplicity that characterizes a good relationship. Join my community: the-captains-quarters.mn.co Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jaO7c62HZ613e7M Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzbin.info/door/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #marriage #relationship

[@ace_woe]

Y'know what's not boring? PsycHacks-I could listen to these lil gems all day 💎 plus now I have a good movie rec. Thanks Dr.

[@everlastingvoice808]

Dr. Orion no Movie that is Boring or free from Emotional topsie Tophy is Interesting or gain Box Office Award/Money so is Life that's why Bad isn't really Bad its just depends on how you see it.

[@everlastingvoice808]

The Best thing in Life is Choose the Bad you can Manage in your Life.......... And Doctor you need to get Married; It's Time

[@miovicdina7706]

Exactly.

[@LeadershipLearningHQ]

Do you think this also applies to 'the two sides of every man'? As in, e.g., the material man preferring peaceful 'ease', and the energetic/spiritual man preferring dynamic 'difficulty' or variation of intensity (which inevitably mean some negative but also, some positive, affect, to be explored and experienced regularly)? In any event, I agree with another commenter not to rely on relationships as the sole source of "excitement/meaning" (and another, who highlighted the prudence of practicing mastery of emotions such that boredom in a given scenario, is not overly stressful or even stressful at all). This also reminds of another channel (you did an interview with if I am not mistaken) that describes the need of the feminine/women for tension, and advises for the masculine/men to intentionally create _positive_ tension in order to more harmoniously and hormetically accommodate that, basically (something like that)...thanks for sharing.

[@michaelz6555]

“If your shoes are comfortable, you don’t feel them.”

[@miovicdina7706]

Exactly. When you're healthy, you don't feel anything.

[@uiremote]

Quote of the year!

[@PatrickIrvineBlacknesslives]

@@miovicdina7706 lol

[@angamerc5373]

@@michaelz6555 yes because we all want to have children with our comfortable shoes… no wonder birth rates are declining everyone should want a converse

[@angamerc5373]

@@miovicdina7706 not even love or passion apparently

[@NiTeFiSe.collie]

A good marriage looks boring, but feels great.

[@everlastingvoice808]

A Good Marriage is a Myth/Mirage What is called that is to mean that both partners are good people fighting against the outsiders or the World which can't happen theirs always going to be someone who isn't part of the Relationship 100%

You are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. I thank God for my predictable and calm marriage.

[@AgJae]

@@everlastingvoice808I can’t say you’re right or wrong on the marriage being a myth, perhaps I may agree that you are right because to have a relationship that has the values that marriage does is an ideal. Us striving for an ideal benefits us to know that the ideal isn’t possible to obtain and we strive for it anyway. Say you check all the boxes and you’ve made it to that ideal, maintaining that with full effort is bound to collapse, due to the nature and laws of this universe, everything decays. If your aim for a being human is to be perfect and obtain 100% of everything all of the time then, yes, by definition a “Good Marriage” doesn’t exist, I would challenge you on your definition of good and reevaluate your expectations. From my understanding the relationship calls for work to stay committed, amongst other attributes. These are all in my opinions and current knowledge and I am open to being corrected, remember not all things are black and white and many things have color, again my opinion and understanding. By any means, be well.

[@doctorskull8197]

Well said!

[@zombiezone2010]

​@@everlastingvoice808?? Wdym? Good marriage don't exist?

[@peroperic3692]

When I see my wife, I dont think whether Im bored or she is. Im just happy she is there, and shes happy I am. More than that, I am always looking forward to coming to her at the end of a long work. I wish this happiness to every man.

[@jonathann5205]

Love= appreciation 💯

[@washingtoncountymarylandre3697]

You are blessed!

[@camdencz]

@@peroperic3692 lucky man! I hope to have that one day

[@orangeandslinky]

Oh yes, you are very blessed man! If you have been married under 25 years though, she will leave you. I was married 35 years before she just left without so much as a reason. We were 60 years old when she left. That was 11 years ago. We met in school and she was known by most all our friends in and after high school. Women bond to their feelings. Men bond to the woman and family. But you know all that in this information age environment. We didn't have computers at all when we were going stead or when we got married.

[@Abelius]

This might be the best MRP episode I've watched so far. "It takes emotional maturity to turn boredom into peace". Golden.

[@orangeandslinky]

It's like what you see in the movies. Oh wait..........it was just a movie. That don't happen in real life at all ever.

[@amhudlow]

Agree 100%. I rewound that statement several times and it is spot on.

[@luminyam6145]

Very old nurse here, today is my last shift. I think my final gift to my young coworkers will be to tell them about your channel and encourage them to listen closely. I know some of them have been looking for partners and you give the best advice. Thank you, I think this will really help them.💘

Best wishes and a HEALTHY life in your retirement.

[@luminyam6145]

Thank you!!

[@BlackLion76]

Tell those young nurses to drop the strong independent woman©️ mindset/feminism if they plan to find a husband.

[@luminyam6145]

@@BlackLion76 That does depend on what they are looking for.

[@BlackLion76]

@luminyam6145 You'd best believe that they're looking for husbands. I'd bet $ that the majority (if not all) of your coworkers are over 30 & tired of hookups. If they were content with hookups, then they wouldn't be complaining to you about not being able to find a man as they need look no further than their phone to fill their needs. My original point stands.

[@EduardoMartinez-ys6fb]

Drama free is not the same as boring. Do things together like biking, dancing, walking, climbing, gym. Have a good circle if friends. Give the other space to do things with their friends. Get glammed up, go out to dinner together regularly. Never quit dating her.

*THIS*

[@jonathantolley9632]

You are correct. The only caveat I have is this.. A healthy relationship is boring as hell to someone who’s use to the rollercoaster of emotions in a bad or toxic relationship. That surge of highs and lows gets to be addicting. And so a stable, calm, smooth relationship almost feels like nothing at all when you’re use to the intensity of chaos. Is it actually boring? No. It’s just some people have been conditioned to think that chaos IS love so it feels incomplete when it’s calm.

[@PatrickIrvineBlacknesslives]

All of that also becomes boring to some if it becomes regular. People get bored with dating frequently.

[@ericj6636]

Let your excitement be external to your relationship, with fun activities and togetherness, not dramatic or contentious between one another

[@IlllIlIllIIIl]

too much time together, the office saves marriage. as a man you would have to retard your physical activity so she keeps up. you will be broke from dating perpetually. fun junky. literally a drug addict.

[@legiontepes3474]

Agreed. After everything I went through, I want peace. If you don't, I walk.

[@everlastingvoice808]

Problems are there to tell you that the World isn't complete yet and to fix the One you can Fix or meant to Fix you cant keep running away because you also carry your own baggage till you die

Amen and AMEN.

[@Hotpocketmountiandew]

Yeah but the big mind f is you don't actually want peace. Because if none of that happened you wouldn't be goaling out peace. You would have peace.

[@Jamesgarethmorgan]

Absolutely. After the relationship from hell I couldn't give a toss about amazing sex or showing her off to the world - I just wanted somebody I could get along with. I found the most wonderful woman who fits that perfectly. We get along. It's just perfect.

[@Sentient.Legacy.2042]

As an 82 year old, married for 55 years, I agree! Orion, you explained well this usually not understood truth! 🙂🙂

[@tiomoidofangle102]

God's own truth. Say not 'boring' but rather 'comfortable'.

[@sevagyepoyan7728]

More people need to discover this channel. Having been in long term relationships with emotionally immature women vs emotionally mature women it is a night and day difference. I’d pick being at peace and “bored” everyday over emotional rollercoasters, petty arguments, gaslighting, hot n cold treatment. For anyone out there who is dating someone like this, get out while you can, there’s someone out there who wants to be your peace and make your life better and not make your life a living hell. You get one shot at life, don’t waste it living in a state of irregularity and chaos.

[@passporttrucker9280]

That's sound like borderline personality disorder. If you don't know what that is google it.

[@sevagyepoyan7728]

@@passporttrucker9280most definitely was, and narcissism but it’s all good. We made it out 🙏

You are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

[@deschua76]

Seems like you’re the problem, given that you cannot even keep the relationships you had with emotionally mature women…

[@edheldude]

​@@deschua76Men aren't looking for commitment. Get your head straight.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

Most of life is boring. To want a relationship that’s not “boring” is to want a life that’s constantly on edge, always something that emotionally triggers you. Unfortunately most people that can provide an “exciting life” isn’t always good excitement.

[@xxczerxx]

This is why dating coaches often encourage making a women feel different emotions - yes lust, desire, happiness etc but also anger, jealousy etc. I don't endorse that as it's toxic and manipulative but it is an interesting hypothesis.

[@luckyjayakody]

People were very much in tune with the true nature of life 30 years ago. You don't need to go back to the lives even a century ago. Then came internet, social media and smartphones, which completely covered the reality of the sun with thick clowds of unrealistic, materialistic, quick dopamine injecting fantasies. Most of the present-day young adults won't be able to fathom the lives of people at their same age in the early 1990s, even in the slightest way. It would be labeled as ultimate boring lives, but it was closer to the true reality of human life.

[@kellygreenii]

Exactly. The only difference between excitement and anxiety is the anticipated outcome.

[@kellygreenii]

@@xxczerxx it’s neither unless you are trying to get a woman to do something that is not in her best interests. Otherwise it’s just understanding how human courtship works. She’s going to choose based on how she feels rather than what she thinks…. …and that is precisely what Mother Nature wants her to do.

[@Michael-r8l7u]

Life is only boring if you are perfect. The people who are not perfect need to be constantly working on themselves and that endeavor is anything but boring. ❤️✌🏾✊🏽

[@Leobain1]

People need to find excitement outside of relationships

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Yes, don’t look to relationship as the sole source of excitement/meaning.

[@orangeandslinky]

As long as you don't get married, it's really great! You get married thinking it will be even more great, and you find out the women you always knew, you will never see again. And you don't.

[@louisbee7923]

"Good relationships require maturity". Any man above 30 will tell you, this is in very short supply in women nowadays.

[@angmori172]

And yet, as a 32 yo man, I find that most young women, even teens (no, not like that, I worked fast food until recently so a lot of my subordinates were teens), display an attitude of genuinely believing that they are more mature than men 10 years their senior

[@0rnery0verwatch]

Dude I was legit *excited* to date in my 30's thinking "finally, the women will be more mature and sure of what they want... no more games". Wow was I wrong. It's *ALL* a game to them, and much worse as they age and start making more outlandish demands.

[@kellygreenii]

It’s in short supply, period. Men just pay a higher price for it than women do. Because society has little tolerance of it from men.

[@kellygreenii]

@@0rnery0verwatch They were more mature in years past. Just not these days. You have a lot of 30-somethings who still move through the world like angry, entitled 15 year-olds.

[@0rnery0verwatch]

@@kellygreenii That was my exact experience. When a buddy asked me why the two of us didn't work out I straight up said "she was like a teenager in a 30yo's body".

[@mystykalmn4434]

A good relationship is like watching a well burnt fire, it's simple, calming and restorative.

[@mkboyd6880]

I'll take peace over drama any day. This was a good one. Thank you.

[@ricardoge96]

Exactly my thoughts

[@myunderstanding99]

Facts

[@orangeandslinky]

Well always remember, it is ONLY in a movie.

[@HarukiYamamoto]

A good relationship is like a good financial plan, boring.

[@anisenkrill6179]

Or a well run business.

[@msplintal1318]

Amen!

[@rainyriderr1112]

For anyone that sees this. My wife asked for a divorce just before Christmas. I'm 29, make about 90k, pretty decent looking, I don't drink, smoke, party, or any of that. However, I am incredibly boring. This video fits me perfectly but I will also add as a note to guys, there's a thin line between being chill and being lazy/apathetic. Never neglect your spouse or use work as a reason to be "too busy" for them.

[@mikokun7714]

you gave her a Home. A family. And a Ring. There is Nothing Wrong With you Bro. Respectfully her Loss. She will never get that again but you can always build better. ✌🏾

[@AUSTIN-ss2zd]

Brother I’m very boring also except I don’t make that kinda money

[@jeanr8359]

My marriage is boring and absolutely wonderful. My husband is supportive and loving. I am supportive of his dreams. We can communicate our needs without judgement. We have outside hobbies and friends/family who adds richness to our lives. I look forward to him coming home everyday. We kiss every time one of us leaves the other…. We are physically attached - love holding and touching each other. Life is boring and absolutely wonderful.

[@narutouzumaki2157]

If you calm down and relax, you'll not have a craving for drama and since life is unpredictable, you'll never get bored of it, it's just you have to stop thinking about excitement and learn to wait for it and accept it when it comes.

[@Mimlou]

That’s why I’m so thankful for my “boring” marriage.😅 We have a predictable stable day to day life. I love how we can be ourselves around eachother and indulge in our individual hobbies. Marrying someone that allowed me to still be me and emotionally mature was the best thing!

[@orangeandslinky]

Who would ever get married with the idea of changing the person they married into someone else? Oh yea................the woman.

[@themick6586]

My wife and I are boring, but not bored, we have much to keep us busy, married 45 years, this is my second wife first wife thrived of constant drama, and upheaval, after our divorce she continued this with 2 more husbands.

[@knowledgeispower200]

My ex complained and whined that she found stability boring. No wonder she then made such a dreadful drama out of it that she eventually blew up the whole relationship herself. All that was needed was to calmly talk about things and live together calmly.

[@DesignRhythm]

Kudos to whomever does your thumbnails.. I love that refined art nouveau look.

[@Danledz]

Your point on emotional maturity is spot on. I'm 22. After my ex left me, it took 2 years, up until now, to "recover" for a lack of a better term. The resulting heartbreak just helped me, because it makes you not just feel, but think. And most people my generation have a problem with boredom, when in fact it is the boredom that should push one to do something good. Anything. Not just for yourself, but for others as well. Not just on dating, but in general. If you're living an extraordinary boring life, it's still extraordinary. Which basically means embracing boredom.

[@untamedwildhorse]

I want it all. A calm peaceful (boring) relationship sprinkled with some excitement. Hobbies, pet projects, trying new things can be exciting to share together or enjoy on your own. Create excitement outside of harmonious relationship dynamic

[@EdithEsquivel]

I'm a writer. I get my excitement from fiction and my love from my man.

[@narutouzumaki2157]

I think some people are addicted to highs and lows and their base line is so high that they are rarely satisfied, on the other hand some are ok with consistency, they'll still have Highs and lows in life, coz that's just how life is, but they'll be more fulfilled.

[@mclvusa]

Turn boredom into peacefulness. Profound

[@Brochacho619]

My ex called me boring 😂. She also had many addictions. One them being drama. Glad that's over.

[@GreatRetro]

congrats! ^_^

[@0rnery0verwatch]

When a married man becomes bored, he gets a hobby. When a married woman becomes bored, she gets a divorce.

[@lisa_angelina]

@@0rnery0verwatch when a married man becomes bored, he gets a girlfriend

[@fabianirsara9846]

@@lisa_angelina I don't think that happens because of boredom. Don't project!

[@0rnery0verwatch]

@@lisa_angelina It's all good, he'll still get taken to the cleaners in divorce court😅

[@Piergrulli_Sfracelletti]

@@fabianirsara9846 Lol nice double standard.

[@angmori172]

​@@lisa_angelinawhen a married man stops getting the sex he wants from his wife, he gets a girlfriend There's a massive difference, and you are projecting

[@markallen2984]

Some truth here, but dramatically simplistic. If you lived play Moon colony away from the demands, distractions and temptations of a dynamic society tea over rice may be appealing. Women in particular don't often appreciate what they have, they are very often more concerned about what other people *think* they have.

[@SandraMcCord-ew9vy]

This feels like a purposefully simplified approach - 💋💋 where is the passion? Imagine if symphonies were this boring - and they are only 1 hour or so in length!

*THIS*

​@@SandraMcCord-ew9vyA relationship and a musical/symphony are NOT the same!!!! DRAMA QUEEN

[@lanceroparaca1413]

Lack of emotional stability in short

[@JaySmith-pv2mw]

Consistent reliability. Yep, that's me. I'm financially and emotionally stable, organized, punctual and independent. Over time all of those translate to...boring. It's the primary reason my relationships have all ended. The one thing you CANNOT be as a man in a relationship with a woman is BORING. So, I'm not even bothering anymore.

[@tdaye6978]

I've been this way since my mid 20's (I'm 34). Combined with being tall, in shape, decent looking, and very financially responsible while having a secure and steady job (that I work a lot of overtime at these days), is why I've ALWAYS been VERY successful dating....you may have guessed it.....SINGLE MOMS....ESPECIALLY the ones with 2 kids, since my mid 20's when I didn't know any better. Single moms are desperate enough to actively search for stability over excitement, while still craving the excitement that they eventually cave to the NEED of. Once the relationship becomes boring, even the single moms become dissatisfied and leave for the more exciting option...then come RIGHT back when the exciting option backfires in their life Women without kids don't typically want me for more then a couple dates because they already see how boring my stability is and they're not financially and socially desperate enough to NEED that stability for their survival and social standing (not being seen as a single mother). If she's not EXCITED at the prospect of having a boring relationship with no drama, I'd leave her to the streets honestly. I've learned the hard way more times than I should have.

[@BS_Profile]

​@@tdaye6978very true. Whenever I'm browsing dating apps it seems like anytime I see a woman talking about "God first, looking to settle down, tired of the games, etc. etc." 9 times out of 10, she's already got Chad and Tyrone's kids in tow. Where was that family oriented mentality BEFORE she became a single mom? That's the kind of stuff that has ruined modern dating.

[@BS_Profile]

I think that's my issue as well. I have a white collar job, my own place, my own car, etc. but I don't have any tattoos or DUIs so I'm practically invisible. This one guy that one of my relatives dated is an abusive alcoholic that's regularly in and out of jail. He can barely hold a job and can't drive due to a suspended license. Yet he has kids, is no longer with their mother, but ALWAYS has a girlfriend.

[@scallywag1716]

I’m literally getting flack from my wife right now because I’m boring at home. I don’t have my entire 2025 planned out and a vision board with all of that nonsense. I just do what is required each and every day to make a good home, finance stability, and maintain our meager lifestyle. She keeps wanting to travel and go here and there but doesn’t understand what’s required. She thinks “gods will, will provide” as she continues to overextend our finances. Unfortunately, she doesn’t like to hear about finances…not exciting, dull to her. Ugh..getting to a dividing point. Would have cut losses a while ago but we do have a wonderful daughter. So it really is all about her at this point in my mind.

[@tdaye6978]

@scallywag1716 I'm sorry to hear it

[@timizo691]

I watched this video a couple of times. This video is brilliant because it is so true. It helps me understand my failed marriage. She was all about chaos. She would constantly kick the hornets nest. I wanted calm. She has obsessive compulsive disorder. Chaos helped quite her voices. Gave her a distraction. My marriage was doomed right from the start. She will always be this way. Her chaos would have eventually killed me.

[@ianwynne764]

Hello Orion; This describes one of my old girlfriends perfectly. She pushed me away because she thought I wasn't doing anything. Later on she realised that my efforts were coping with her. Have a lovely day.

[@Bkamron]

Embodiment of my now defunct marriage...

[@cs0312000]

I am a Taiwanese live in Japan, I order tea over rice. At the end of a traditional Japanese meal, you usually have plain rice or tea over rice as the last dish, it is called Shime.

[@msplintal1318]

You hit the nail on the head. It took my husband and I a while to get to this place mainly because I was looking for more emotional excitement. Arguments, disagreements and disappointments but gradually over time, and after many toxic friendships I learned that monotony became peace and now I wouldn’t change it for the world!

[@Katarzyna-h2z]

Just manage your nervous system, so boredom in any situation, won't be stressing.

[@baffinsansterre]

Zen saying: 'you are not your emotion'''

[@bellatindale3120]

There are a lot of older people following you Orion. Your channel is the best ❤

[@ryanh9388]

Make your life challenging to get into and easy to get out of when it comes to women. Always remind her of where the door is located and do not participate in her nonsense.

[@benjamintpoon]

Love your videos. Have to say one thing, green tea over rice is a dish called “ochazuke” and I eat it every single day with a bit of fish. It’s my absolute favorite thing to eat. And yes it’s simple and not overly flavored 😊

[@Somnifluous]

Wow, at over 50 and after a pile of 'exciting' relationships, this is exactly what I want. Boredom, consistency, a solid foundation that masquerades as a relationship. Just WOW. Thanks again Orion.

[@MedicalBatteryLaw]

Reminds me of a great book by Esther Perel, PhD. About the balance between stability and desire in a partnership: "Mating In Captivity." It truly resonates with this one. ❤

You have to have a good/intimate relationship with YOURSELF FIRST!

[@edheldude]

Not going to happen for most people. That requires work instead of acting out.

[@dehsa38]

Sometimes I hate what you have to say(this isn't one of them)but it's always true-at least in a sense. You've found the pinnacle of doing something positive for society, and hopefully making good money doing it. God bless you!

[@Hunter-xc5ry]

Thank you so much for making the plug for the book 10second skipable. I bought the book because you give 100% constantly. Always thinking of others. I hope you receive the benefit of your effort big dog. 💪 from a gen Z

[@mikokun7714]

I still remember your great recommendation for ‘in the mood for love’ !

[@Cougs2894]

This was my experience as our marriage grew. My ex-wife apparently didn’t appreciate the stability and lack of drama I brought to the table. As I look back, every relationship she had outside of our marriage (friends, work, hobbies,etc) all had some level of drama and chaos. When she tried to bring that home it was like walking on eggshells. We are divorced and I am now living by myself in peace.

[@josephoduor2358]

1. The worst thing you can make a woman feel is boredom. 2. Good relationships are boring. Conclusion: A woman can't be happy in a good relationship!?

[@detroitvcw]

Sound argument via deductive reasoning

[@Katarzyna-h2z]

If woman has children she never feels boredom

[@blairdurward4324]

Emotionally mature women can, and you have to create some interesting things every once in a while. It’s not so absolute at this, but the majority of time you may be right.

[@alexvega7893]

Recent case with soccer athlete KaKa. Multimillionaire successful religious extreme boring man. Wife said he’s too good and perfect I just can’t and left with another man.

[@jamesg1974a]

This is very accurate. You can do anything to a woman,but bore her. And on the other hand, stability is boring. Safety is boring, reliability is boring, a genuinely good life is boring… They cannot handle what they should desire, which is normal, see instability. But they will be the first ones to run away from it into chaos. And I found that to be true in real life with women across the spectrum of success and age

[@cosmopolitanbay9508]

Wow, Orion not only knows about Ozu, but is a fan! Respect! There's more than enough already to go on, but details like this make sure I know I am at the right place, taking advice from the right person.

[@palerider2890]

Been enjoying a few of your videos since discovering you by chance yesterday. Though you make many valid points, I think you have left out the biggest element in dysfunctional intimate relationships which is the baggage we all have stemming from childhood traumas and toxic parents. Until one confronts, acknowledges and works on one's family wounds, none of these strategies with women will be effective. We men don't attract lunatic hypergamous women we didn't plan properly, we attract them because of deeply imbedded unresolved issues in our psyche.

[@50shadesofNV]

Brilliant. On point. Drama o Rama is not necessarily in women my pops was like that, more feminine trait

[@OthelloBlaq]

..."It's simple, it's calming, it's restorative"... This was a fantastic piece. It took me a long time to be able feel okay about this truth. I feel validated to hear this out loud. Thanks Doc. 🥂Cheers mate.🤌

[@FirstLast-cd6vv]

A man of value doesn't have time nor patience for childish games.

[@coulie27]

"Trust me, if women found decency and tranquility sexy, the world would look like a very different place." 😂😂😂 Man, great point.

[@jameslowery320]

Maybe we should go back to the old ways, men choosing the suites for their female relatives.

*THIS*

[@BaiMengLing]

If men found intelligence and maturity attractive, the world would look like a VERY different place: cosmetic surgeons would run out of business, hairdresser too, cosmetic brands would go bankrupt but bookstore owner would become billionaires ;)

[@edheldude]

​​@@BaiMengLingThose exist because of female competition (among themselves). Men don't care one iota about bags, makeup or especially plastic surgery. All women are born with what makes them attractive to men (youth and fertility mainly). Most men (90%) have to work to get what makes them attractive.

[@orangeandslinky]

When they have what they call slut walks and shout there abortions, you know why Tea over Rice was just a movie. That don't happen in real life ............ever. It would be a cool movie.

[@diyab1056]

Extremely great video! 💯💗 First video of yours that I agree with. I love my fiancé so much. Our relationship is definitely calm, stable and reliable. No drama. Just peace. If I argue with him he fixes the problems and we reach a solution. I love and respect him because of this. He's extremely romantic and doesn't play any games and takes care of the bills and I never take advantage of any of this and show him how much I appreciate all he does. Yet this is because I've gained wisdom as I'm nearly 30. I spent my 20s not knowing that peace is much better than cheap thrills and hence choosing the wrong relationships and having a very toxic 4 year relationship. I'm so glad I found someone mature and stable to build a life with and start a family with.

[@anisenkrill6179]

"In the absence of drama women will actively manufacture it for themselves" - Roissy

[@mrmcgreg]

In my early twenties I got sucked into the worst parts of theredpill philosophy. What struck me the most was the dichotomy of “alpha fux beta bucks” and instilled some sort of dread witin me that I’d end up that guy she doesn’t desire ferociously but reluctantly puts out for resources. This made me chase passion desire and emotions in my relationships way too much. I was afraid that calm and “boring” relationship will end up with her wanting some chad from work. I am now miserable and divorced. All my relationships after divorce were the same chase of the emotional dragon, I picked passionate unstable women, it burned bright and always ended with a bang. I am currently reconsidering my views but I still don’t understand where the gold middleground lies.

[@maam-yj8ph]

If you want to have a fire in a house, you have to build a fireplace and a chimney. Or buy and install a wood stove.

[@ayowser01]

Chad apathy is the sweet spot

[@tdaye6978]

There's no middle ground. If she's not EXCITED at the prospect of a boring and stable relationship, it's going to end, usually with her leaving for a more "exciting" guy that she'll have a bad relationship with. Or you'll get so tired of her crap that you leave. I've been on both sides of that.

[@basantidevi2305]

Thanks for proving my point above. As a woman who dated a divorced man he was addicted to the same thing you were. Our relationship was peaceful and calm until he pulled the rug out and considered it too stable. I found this out from a woman he was complaining to about me that he was trying to hit on. She didn’t t like him but she almost became my boss. It was all revealed to me after the interview when she found out who I was. Men who are addicted to drama are damgerous for more stable women like myself. I was devastated.

[@maskedbadass6802]

You're speaking as though there was something wrong with the philosophy, but realistically you've actually already done better than most men. Marriage simply isn't what it used to be yet we're still acting like staying together forever is realistic when women are bombarded with terrible advice like "you always deserve better."

[@carloc352]

I totally agree. A simple breakfast with my partner is a pleasure in and of itself.

[@NickAndTech]

Life can be filled with so many challenges, unexpected tragedies and heavy burdens that entering into a bad relationship for the feelz is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. You have to get used to boredom and monotony WELL before entering into a relationship with a good stable woman for it to work. Unfortunately a lot of good men develop this habit in their teens or 20s while many women don't until their 30s if ever.

[@pooryabagheri4596]

ive never seen a more useful and insightful channel ... litteraly every single video is a wealth of new knowledge long live orion 🔥👌👌👌👌

[@Santawithwings]

One of your best so far.

[@peterbruce8039]

So true. I see this as a couples therapist all the time. A woman will not only stay in, but fight like hell to stay in an unhealthy, toxic or abusive relationship. But they will cheat and leave if fairly quickly if they are bored.

[@0rnery0verwatch]

It's just women with low self worth. They don't feel they're worthy of reliable and respectful treatment, so when they get it, their brain tricks them like "what is wrong with this guy... I'm obviously not worth such kind treatment, and he can't see this? What a naive dude, I don't date naive men" and they successfully shoot themselves in the foot.

[@coulie27]

Selection bias...

[@mgu1N1n1]

It's hilarious and worrisome that a therapist would write such a biased statement as yours.

[@0rnery0verwatch]

@@mgu1N1n1 Biased? Perhaps, but if it's based off of their clinical experience, and they're qualified to practice maybe they're just being honest about what they really see? I don't think there is a *single* man alive who has not seen this destructive pattern play out in women. And sure, not all women may do it, but a sizeable enough portion of them do that it's a stereotype. So what you may see as a bias others may see as naive (not saying you come off that way, just making a point).

[@eliasonofre3089]

lol so true I was dating this one chick who couldn’t get over her ex and then she ultimately got bored of me because I wasn’t toxic and went back to the other guy

[@divaladylight]

🎉Bless you for this discussion. I've been praying for someone like you to tell this truth. I'm writing a speculative fiction novel because I can't write an exciting romance novel involving a healthy relationship😂 After several attempts and some major writer's block, I realized a healthy courtship leads to a good marriage but a sweet short story and a long dull novel🤣❤

[@Xleagon]

This is one of my favourite takes from you yet. I've lived this relationship as the man with the quarrelsome woman. She would have issues often and we would calmly talk about it. I expected she would learn and calm down over time but over time things slowly turned up and got worse. Things only changed when I pulled back support and put up much tighter boundaries. the fear of loss was enough to make her smarten up but the relationship was not worth saving

[@joefromdc]

This talk explains why nice guys finish last on the pecking order of dating.

[@cabot100]

Have you been on a date lately? Nice guys for the win.

[@mr.magnetic8884]

Not necessarily. There are multiple traits that nice guys have that completely turn off women.

[@JJ-vp3bd]

Like what

[@kellygreenii]

@@mr.magnetic8884 True. Many people mistake kindness for weakness. Many women grow up in dysfunctional families and have imprinted on toxic men. But many woman have also been socially conditioned to seek out unstable men. That “butterflies” sensation? That’s what happens when you are meeting your family of origin baggage in another person.

[@cabot100]

@@mr.magnetic8884 It sounds like you are not what is considered a "nice guy." The idea of a "nice guy" is a guy who possesses traits and behaviors that women find attractive and desire. You may be confusing "being nice" with "being a nice guy." You may be a man who believes simply "being nice" will get him what he wants, perhaps attract women to him, or get a woman to want to have sex with him. Being nice, is not what makes a nice guy. "Nice guy" is an informal term for a man, commonly used with either a literal or sometimes a sarcastic meaning. In the literal sense, the term describes a man who: is agreeable, gentle, compassionate, sensitive, and vulnerable. The term is used both positively and negatively.] When used positively, and mainly when used as a preference or description by someone else, it is intended to imply a man who puts the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, provides emotional support, tries to stay out of trouble, and generally acts nicely towards others. In the context of a relationship, it may also refer to traits of honesty, loyalty, romanticism, courtesy, and respect. When used negatively, a nice guy implies a man who is unassertive or otherwise unattractive. The opposite of a genuine "nice guy" is commonly described as a "jerk, " a mean, selfish, and uncaring person. A man is labeled a "jerk" on how he treats his partner, seen as the extreme case where he would not have a sensitive or kind side, and is seen as a "macho man," an insensitive type. However, the term is also often used sarcastically, particularly in the context of dating, to describe someone who believes himself to possess genuine "nice guy" characteristics, even though he does not, and who uses acts of friendship and basic social etiquette with the ulterior aim of progressing to a romantic or sexual relationship. This is sometimes referred to as "nice guy syndrome," which is used to describe a sense of entitlement to sexual or romantic attention from women simply for being "nice" and irrational behavior or even anger when that attention is not reciprocated.

[@stimpsonjcat67]

Doc dropping truth-bombs again.

[@glowupwithwonderwoman]

Yes!! I have been saying for a while that chemistry is a trauma response!

[@Gabrielpsp747]

Thank you very much for the insight. I have just ended a relationship with someone very important to me. And although the breakup was peaceful and done on the best of terms, I still carried a lingering doubt about whether I had been good enough to provide an ideal relationship. These words and thoughts offer a new perspective on the notion of self-mercy and practically forgive the idea that conflicts are not necessarily negative but perhaps essential. I can now feel proud of everything I have done and much more determined to do things consciously. Thank you so much.

[@St.MichaelsWingman]

The older I get, the more I realize how true this is. I met a girl at a conference once who was utterly perfect on paper. Super smart, undergrad and a master's both from Ivy League schools, spoke French and Latin, played two instruments and was a singer part time. I wouldn't say she was gorgeous, but certainly pretty enough, and was also a devout Catholic like myself and 9 years younger than me. It was clear from day one that she had a crush. I'm not clueless. I can tell when a girl is into me and she made it painfully obvious all weekend. At the evening gala part of the event, I was taking a break from dancing when she came and sat down at my table. After some chatting and flirting with her, she practically threw her phone at me when I asked for her number. Here's where it gets bizarre and I don't understand it. After we found a quiet corner and got to know one another, somehow for some reason I just couldn't get excited about this girl. I felt nothing. There were no fireworks in my brain, no racing heartbeat, no breath getting caught in my throat. Nothing. Here was this much younger woman, who clearly was feeling everything I wasn't, and I just couldn't reciprocate. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks after, but gradually it fizzled out. Looking back on it, I probably should've at least given it a chance, but is that even the right thing to do when there's no spark? Does the spark even need to exist? Though I rationalized my decision as not wanting a long distance thing (she lived on the East Coast and I in the Midwest), I find myself thinking over and over about Orion's video on the Adored and the Adorer, and now here's this one he just posted. Maybe the right thing to do would have been to pursue a relationship with her despite the lack of emotion from my end at the beginning. Maybe the right thing to do is to accept that the best relationships really are the "boring" ones. I think I screwed up.

[@thepainphantom]

Sorry to hear that mate. I was born Catholic, but not the church going type. My fiancee and I once 'split' because I perceived her as "boring" (we were also having personal problems at that time, so there's that). I realized I was wrong because I kept thinking about her when I get up in the morning. Few months go by, luckily she contacted me again (just to say hi) and we were back in track afterwards. I chose loyalty and compassion over the superficial fleeting excitements (such as ones I had from my previous exes). And uh we kinda long distance initially, but she'll move in with me when we're married. I knew because she started asking questions over a trip distance from my place to a certain place in the city (one of her office's branch). PS: She's over a decade younger than me but wise beyond her age.

[@transkeimoon]

You did the best that you could at that time, don't be hard on yourself. If it's meant to be, she'll come around when you least expect it.

[@FedPut]

sounds like you weren't attracted to her physically, unless you were exhausted or sick at the time your genes probably weren't compatible

[@DrBilly90210]

"Desire is non-negotiable." I've had this happen to me before, where the woman was "great" and I just wasn't feeling it. I went ahead, thinking that I'll just come around or that desire would develop and..... it didn't. Mutual heartbreak ensued. Don't regret the experience but, like many lessons in life, was painful to learn. After that, my attitude towards romantic relationships became either "Oh yes!!!" or anything else. "Anything else" became grounds for immediate relationship termination. While that may seem harsh, you're not doing anyone a favor by trying to make something happen when the spark isn't there. More generally, I'd say don't spend too much of your time wondering "What if?" The older you get, the more experiences you'll have where you can ponder possibilities that never happened. Don't think about the past, plan for the future, but spend most of your conscious thought energy in the PRESENT. Be. Here. Now.

[@jeanr8359]

@@St.MichaelsWingman I think you need the excitement initially once you get to know one another. It helps to create the bond that can last over time. My husband seemed to be really into me from the start. I wasn’t into him…. I held back. I really enjoyed his company and he could make me laugh. He did not push the physical part of the relationship…. I found that weird. Then one day I saw him looking at me…. Staring and having that love lorned look that I have seen before. I had to decide what I wanted…. I could see it in him. After a month of me deciding on what I wanted, I confronted him and asked what he was looking for from me. He finally told me…. His excitement created excitement on my side. I asked why he waited…. He has a high body count. He said he was looking for more than sex from me. That can be very sexy! A year later we were married and it is very good and boring.

[@thedreamer3089]

Your points actually are very interesting, I never actually gave thought to this perspective. As I analyze my relationships that have brought me stability, there was no drama in them, things were not even overwhelming. I have valued on such a deep level how chill my friends Kevin and Kelly were, things were calm and in your words boring, peaceful. When things were at peace on the outside, I was then peaceful on the inside. Because of this, I've never wanted to let them go and I value them just so naturally. Thank you for helping to look a little closer at things that I've seen have always been there.

[@marwyk7746]

I am with you. Spicy choices boringly executed.

[@ExecutiveBurrito]

I think a lot of us have to run the gauntlet of an "exciting" relationship before realizing the value of a "boring" one. Life outside a relationship usually offers plenty of excitement and challenge. I just want a peaceful relationship that provides a balance to that.

[@peterriggio9853]

Great comment. My first wife was exciting(drama) divorced after a year. I was looking for a new wife and choose the exact opposite of my first wife. We will be married 25 years 01-01-25.

[@ExecutiveBurrito]

@@peterriggio9853 I'm in part 1 of the same adventure. Hope to follow the same path if/when I remarry. Well done, sir.

[@tonycooper8977]

Amen, brother

[@quantumceo]

Man, you nailed it. This is exactly what I could not stay in a relationship longer than few months. And when I found decent Woman there always was this voice “nah, she is not for you, you can do better” and the roller coaster started again. Thanks for this video!

[@edheldude]

You were listening to Satan my friend.

[@lanceroparaca1413]

So sad for you

[@janeentumbao8690]

I love tea and rice. But not together. Both, you can have all day, any day. And both are fairly affordable. But rice is better with some seasoning and tea is good with a touch of sugar.😊 Side note... I just got your book yesterday. You've convinced me to buy it, and that's no easy feat. Maybe it's those pretty blues that got me. 😂

[@stephenhadden1685]

Beautiful stuff Orion.

[@augustinlieber8157]

The source of surprise and excitement doesn't have to be drama, but can be a very deep spiritual connection. My parents have shown me that this is still possible even after 40 years of marriage.

[@ThuViễnHoàng]

"The friendship of gentlemen is as plain as water, while the friendship of petty men is as sweet as sweet wine. Gentlemen connect with simplicity and maintain closeness, while petty men bond with sweetness but easily break apart." - Zhuang zi

[@marihutten]

I love boring. I love no arguing. I love watching movies on a Friday night. I love sharing great meals at home. And many of the guys I have dated (except my ex) called me "a bit boring". I think men also like the "roller coasters" and go for the "crazy ones".

[@washingtoncountymarylandre3697]

Refreshing to hear that a woman loves boring, my X thought it was normal to fight all the time as thats the household that she was brought up in. Growing up, my household was quite normal, vanilla, peaceful and fun. Hence we had very different expectations on what a relationship should be. Unfortunately it took 8 years to break the dysfunctional bond as the good was very good. Happy New Year.

[@Daire-x6r]

Something is wrong with these guys.They have too many "crazy ones" in their past. But, who am I to judge.

[@washingtoncountymarylandre3697]

@@Daire-x6r Unfortunately, so often it doesn't start out badly/dysfunctional. Then once you are invested emotionally and physically and then the relationship turns toxic, it is quite difficult to break the attachment/addiction. Been there done that.

[@maniekan]

They seem to have trauma they haven't dealt with themselves and are still attracted to chaos etc because it's exciting to them

[@washingtoncountymarylandre3697]

@@maniekan I agree.

[@PaulClipMaster]

Boredom comes from within, not without.

[@stopcensoringmen5044]

Nothing drives a woman away faster than a man who can sit silently and enjoy the quiet.

[@edheldude]

They dislike seeing a content man. They have no leverage then.

[@roundup1253]

Belongs in the top3 of all his Videos! „turning boredom into Peace“ what Philosophic words. Applaus

[@mikedavid5071]

Married 20 years. Wow thank you for the good discussion.

[@blue-phoenix115]

Social media has ruined good relationship and potential good relationships. You're fine with the mundane life till you see too many people living the life you wish you had, that makes you think you deserve more, till one day you decide he/she is no longer enough when other shinier more exciting option/options are lined up for your choosing.

[@lanithe4]

💯 sadly

[@Avoid_Low_Frequency]

Great short talk. Peaceful feels good. Good relationships are boring. 😮 I never put 2 and 2 together

[@khalidalali186]

The more I stumble upon this dude. The more I realize how fortunate I am to be single.

[@95TurboSol]

I know right, my desire to date goes down with every video lol

[@srinavin]

😅

[@themick6586]

This was so" on point" this guys incite is a thing of beauty.

[@jamcamp06]

Thanks!

[@raeannaroylance]

Being boring is different than being bored

[@markallen2984]

Maybe. But some would say "If you're bored, then you're boring"

[@cali-pranks]

@@markallen2984Could be that if you’re bored you’re doing boring wrong…

[@angmori172]

​@@markallen2984I was going to say that exact thing lol People who get bored easily are generally extremely boring. Sure, most chicks would find my interests boring... Which makes them extremely boring in my view. 'yes sweetheart, makeup and fashion are so much deeper and more interesting than programming, trains, lifting and guitars'

[@TheSmurf1973]

You thought that was deep, didn't you...

[@datascience4lyfe]

I agree. I find people who get bored easily to be the most intellectually bankrupt and boring (from my perspective) group of people.

[@Caseyisforeverr]

Wow! This is very true and you released this video right when I've realized it! I recently came to a conclusion that good relationships are not lovey dovey 24/7, and it was hard for me to bare at first because I thought that was a bad thing. Thank you!

[@AlbertoFalgue]

Alongside Dr. K from HealthyGamer, this was hands down one of the most insightful and valuable channels I came across. And the book? Absolutely fantastic. Wishing you a Happy New Year, Orion!

[@L6FT]

This is good. I notice almost everyone wishing for peace, even world peace, but what they engage in in their own lives, and others around them is mostly passion and drama.

[@mjtheman218]

I already bought your book on audible, I wish somehow I didn’t have to hear your commercial about it lol all good though just “thinking out loud” thanks for the great material.

[@sergiogonzalesYT]

Great video, thank you for summarizing my thoughts. YES. Many of them want friggin drama, not a good relationships.

[@GlenLake]

You are a treasure, thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences.

[@MarshaJaneOrr]

Love your posts! Always insightful and challenging. Love itself changes the dynamic a bit when two seek to build something together greater than themselves.

[@ShinMiura8]

If one listen to other always = boring, unless they're both serious and not messing around with each other which is also a very thin line between respect and disrespect. Most of the time sense of humor is half disrespecting. Leading your partner with good intention and leading for fun or experiment are two different things. Happy New Year! Doc

[@alexflips393]

Yes, but also you can create controlled excitement. For example, being less predictable, when she thinks she has you figured out do something unexpected. That’s the next level. Excitement controlled.

[@earlyriiser]

Wow. This popped up for me at an interesting time. I've been having conversations for the last week with friends about dating in your 30s, and why it's so difficult to find a partner.. One of the things that I said was I can't speak for men because I only date women, but what I encounter with women the most common denominator is emotional immaturity.

[@prajwal_puruvan.]

I was just refreshing subscribe feed

[@aminastaneh]

👏👏👏 Absolutely freaking solid insight. Here's to boring relationships! 🍺

[@jonc8179]

Spot on. I chase the dragon like few others. If I'm gonna be bored, I'd rather do it alone.