THIS Is The Biggest Problem With Dating Apps... | No.1 Couples Therapist

Renowned psychotherapist and bestselling author Lori Gottlieb reveals the biggest problem with dating apps and modern dating.
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📺 Watch the full episode here kzbin.info/www/bejne/iX_YeZWAl9qIkKc Don't forget to Like, Comment & Sub! 🙌🏽

[@juliemoore6957]

I strongly disagree. We've been together for 20 years and the desire is as strong as ever.

[@bicboi1930]

9:44 "these assumptions that people make". I have never in my life seen a guy make such an uninformed assumption when talking about women. It's always women with these not only high, but stupid 'standards'. It's bewildering to hear them say something so nonsensical with a straight face.

[@bicboi1930]

​@juliemoore6957 that's awesome, any advice?

[@The-Vitruvian-Man]

It’s funny, the new CEO of Bumble recently said they’re thinking of getting rid of their feature of the woman having to message first because it’s a burden for many of their women users. Hilarious.

[@youssefhamidi8152]

😂😂😂

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Nah I get it.

[@EnligUlv]

Either side can message each other. I was a member of Bumble for one month, and the app doesn’t restrict the man from messaging first. In that month I went on three dates from Bumble.

[@K9_91]

Its the exact reason the app doesnt work. Hats off to them for attempting something different. But it was a stupid idea to begin with.

[@whereisthematrixedge]

What does your head in is even with a vast profile showing a lot all the woman can do is say hi.. truely sad

[@nichobee]

This is exactly why men are tired of dating apps, the presshre to provie a 10/10 experience for a woman they just met that day. Unless you're a superfically charming smooth talker, it's nigh on impossible to do

[@travelingadler]

Thats true which is why I stopped caring what they think about me. Like me for being who I am or Ill keep looking offline or never.

[@KillerLettuce]

*it's nigh impossible to do. You don't need to add the "on" as nigh impossible is enough to get the point across.

[@VernaFerguson]

Jeez I just want to meet a man face to face and chat. If it goes somewhere good if not that's OK too. I am getting extremes with online from being talked to like am ho(a beck and call girl) to nothing but texting and never want to talk or meet for a coffee 10/10 not necessary just be some what normal and human.

[@michaelsantangelo7997]

not to mention how many of the profiles are Instagram models, OF girls, sex workers, bots, etc.

[@juliemoore6957]

I met my husband on a dating app. I felt warmth toward him at first, but not sparks. But I gave him a chance because I felt so comfortable with him, he was sweet, considerate, and as time went by, the sparks came. Chemistry from day 1 is usually not long lasting. Developing a true friendship first was very important to me. I wanted to genuinely like this person. Not just have sparks that blow over.

[@rjflores438]

You must be over the age of 30 or be looking to settle down with a family to say that or looking for some financial provision. If I heard my partner saying that I would be very tempted to end the relationship. No man deep down really wants to be in a relationship with a woman where she doesnt feel genuine desire towards him. There is absolutely no way a friendship would be developed first, that isnt genuine desire from the woman.

[@RegisteredNurse926]

​@@rjflores438post-wall 😂

[@easter_sunday]

We'll be here for the divorce videos.

[@lamentate07]

@@rjflores438 Genuine desire is overrated. It comes and goes. It also isn't a way one street. Some women can genuinely desire you but cause problems overall. Desire is not the only measure.

[@rl7329]

@@lamentate07I believe you’re looking too deeply into genuine desire. If the girl wants you, like actually wants you, not just saying she does because a lot will feign it claiming they liked you when they didn’t, then she is going to go above and beyond to cut out past flings immediately, she will behave her best and be there for you whenever. It’s very hard to come by unless you got everything she is looking for, which by todays standards unless you’re a super rich model, good luck

[@Highintensityhealth]

9:01 It seemed she dodged the question, but then reluctantly agreed that women are more likely to be unsatisfied

[@MarekUtd]

because she is a feminist. She has little to no integriti.

[@andremotivation6561]

They always do that, even the men in these spaces. The "women are perfect" economy is too lucrative to stop.

[@HrodnandB]

Quit dating apps, they're a complete waste of time.

[@brett84c]

Same. Reasonably good looking guy here. Great job. Emotionally intelligent. Fit. Funny. I'd retry dating apps every year thinking maybe this time it would be different and they've all gotten progressively worse with the algorithmic manipulation to try and maximize revenue. I've had many women review my profile and tell me they liked it with most deviations being about little things that are impossible to perfect because there's not everyone is looking for the exact same thing (so my profile reflects what matters most to me and the vibe I'd like to give off to the kind of woman I'm looking for). Honestly, I think the choice inundation she mentioned in the video is the core problem. Cute women get flooded with likes and messages so it becomes super hard to stand out, then people get into this maximization mindset where they want the 6'5"guy with a perfect smile, nice house, perfect personality, and zero baggage... Just got tired of trying to impress all these women I know nothing about just to try and convince them to give me a single date. Also, people are just struggling mentally these days, which makes sustaining a relationship that much harder. I'm not gonna get mad at people for that, just wish they'd get off dating apps and matching with people they seem to have no intention of dating or giving a chance.

[@bokarmangane8198]

👏🏾👏🏾

[@tylerdecker6994]

@@brett84cfeel you bro

[@gobbledegook1]

Plenty are in happy relationships after meeting on them...

[@danb5944]

I've had a few apps I don't use them I used too but I might log and and scroll down once a month just too remind myself how bad they are..many photos of the girls are the same as 5 or ten years ago..dating apps in Thailand work but elsewhere waste of time

[@watchingitallburn]

"Men have high standards" what an absolute joke of a statement.

[@zergslayer69]

She says for appearance, but you can only say that if women have low standards for how men look

[@Zgryx]

She only deals with the top 1 percentile of men as clients who have options with women. Most average men have zero standards because they’ll take what they can get given average women’s unrealistic standards

[@adithyakosgi222]

@@zergslayer69okcupid found that women are significantly more brutal in their looks standards than men are.

[@fiftyseventh]

😂😂😂😂

[@fiftyseventh]

@@zergslayer69nah most guys would just like someone who looks decent and is a pleasure to be around

[@gordongekko2781]

It is very disingenuous to suggest that men's standards are too high when we know for a fact that men swipe right on nearly half of all female profiles, meanwhile women swipe right on less than 4% of male profiles. I mean, come on now. We're not stupid.

[@longydongy1004]

Women hate math

[@joubeid8311]

Seems that every time she knew the answer was ‘Women’ it became ‘depends on the person’…. Strange

[@houseofvenusMD]

Duh she's also a woman😂

[@zergslayer69]

They do that on the podcasts with the panel of women also when you ask a very obvious answer and they immediately go for the exceptions and are unable to make any kind of broad generalization

[@Zgryx]

She’s a feminist

[@adithyakosgi222]

Hahaha came here to say this. Any time she says “it depends,” she’s just covering for a bad behavior of women that’s been revealed in the statistics she’s surveyed. Stay woke kings

[@Doberman_6773]

Sisterhood Uber Alles.

[@0bvs101]

Wrong Wrong Wrong. Listen to her, "it depends on the person" = avoiding direct question and answering how she wants and then claiming men are more picky on appearance. And she claims she does research 😅

[@adamhixon]

Haha, I heard that exact part and came to the comments looking to see who called her out on it.

[@dreamshakejake3736]

4:54 for those looking for it. Yeah I rolled my eyes at that 1. Just another “professional” who doesn’t speak the truth.

[@alaalfa8839]

She may not think men are more picky. but it´s true the society itself is teaching them to be picky. because its more economical , bringing money to companies and television, to think that way and spread a message of glamorous looks. Our brain is programmed esecialy in childhood to think feel certain way, because the subconscious mind is developing at age 0 to 7, as Dr. Bruce Lipton explains. He explains we dont realize our subconscious thoughts and beliefs, because they are 95 percent subconscious, usually inherited in childhood, by observing other people behavior. We are being programmed by society to think certain way, but in adulthood we may change these programs, and come more loving, patient, joyful and gentle and grateful. because or own self, is seeking gentle attitude, from us, so therefore we should also give kindness and harmony to ourselves, which is more important than looks.

[@sofialotussen]

Or thats just how it is and the way you want it to be is just your agenda.

[@123pb]

@@sofialotussen The apps are flooded with so called "successful" women who need an app to get dates?

[@michaelsantangelo7997]

I saw a therapist about this. It was a woman. When I talked about frustration and loneliness, she said, "If no one wants to date you, you should just be friends with women. Friendships are just as good as romantic relationships." I fired her. I have plenty of female friends. I had success with women when I was younger. At the time I had divorced my wife. I had gotten overweight too. I lost the weight and got in shape. That helped a lot more than talking to a therapist.

[@sighnomis]

If the therapist told you were overweight and that getting active would have helped, would you have fired her back then? Some people can be sensitive talking about their weight

[@gm9460]

@@sighnomisusually only women get that sensitive about their weight. Most dudes know when they’ve let themselves go and aren’t celebrated for it. So my guess is he wouldn’t have done

[@sighnomis]

@@gm9460 maybe the therapist didn't like talking about the weight because there's a bias on it

[@explainableai6975]

A girl saying "I did not feel the chemistry" is literally just another way of saying that "i was not physically attracted to him." Lets be real here, women tend to give "politically correct" answers to avoid conflict and awkwardness

[@dumbdonny4824]

In my perspective, as a woman, chemistry means more than just physical attraction. I have developed feelings for people based on the way they treated me and made me feel when I had zero physical attraction to them prior. Don't know if I lean towards pansexual or not but I've always wondered that because of situations like that.

[@GurvanCustom]

No. They're telling you this so they don't bruise your fragile ego and don't make a scene. Which, by your answer is what happens to you. Work out, look good, feel good. Stop whining.

[@mitshyetienne9255]

Not necessarily. Sometimes, we are physically attracted and there is absolutely NO chemistry. The same is true vice versa. There's chemistry, but no initial attraction 😉

[@explainableai6975]

@@GurvanCustom This has nothing to do with me. I would actually consider myself good looking and never had issues with "chemistry." In fact, I feel like I could say bizarre things and get away with it because of my looks. But when I see reality dating show, and there is an uglier guy, women always try to gaslight the audience and the guy into thinking that its about "chemistry" when its clearly about physical attractiveness

[@lililululalabooboo]

​@@mitshyetienne9255as a woman I second this. Sometimes I lose physical attraction because of the lack of chemistry, and vice versa.

[@Aoi_Fans]

2010 - "Lori Gottlieb is a 43-year-old single parent who desperately wants to be married. And she's not ashamed to say so." Source The Guardian. 2024 - Lori Gottlieb is still single and giving out advice which has kept her single. Don't take advice from this person, it's like taking business advice from someone who has only run companies into the ground.

[@delawarehistory1675]

Most of these so called dating experts are single and old.

[@lupewalkerx]

We went from Shaman/Witch Doctors to Priests to Pastors to Life Coaches. Hustling vulnerable people is an old thing

[@michaelsantangelo7997]

women should be prohibited from giving dating advice. They give the worst advice....to both men and women. They give men advice that's guaranteed to land them in the friend zone: just be yourself...just tell her how you feel....she likes you, she's just playing hard to get...buy her flowers....be romantic....show her how vulnerable you are LOL. The advice they tell women is guaranteed to keep them single and miserable: you're a queen, you're a goddess, you're a 10/10...don't work on yourself...don't go to the gym...you're beautiful at any size. don't lose wight...play games with men....play hard to get...put him through endless shit tests....break up with your good man to chase the guy who will pump and dump you....NEVER lower your standards....LOL

[@angelamitchell1385]

When she called herself a “feminist” 🚩

[@Auticusx]

The abundance of choice is exactly why dating apps largely do not work.

[@GabrielleP310]

💯% I also think people use dating apps to avoid themselves, meaning they aren’t really learning about themselves especially if they discard/ghost someone 3 month-1 year relationship. Avoidants do this chronically, they are terrified of romantic relationships due to emotional components and enmeshment that makes them feel deeply suffocated.

[@MrZola1234]

He should have challenged her on her ignorance. The paradox of choice on apps is really only a female experience. Any woman will be met with 1000s of options, but only 5-10% of men experience this.

[@Jayar_]

I agree. This is always left out of the conversation.

[@mriphone1000]

Men have issues because they don't know how to screen women. I had to learn how to screen them in my dating past and it made things much easier. The snabby high horse women that didn't want to provide any kind of data to show they where real got deleted immediately.

[@StatisticsJason]

Which means women are sharing a small pool of men.

[@chrislisenby2681]

This can happen with men too. In the gay community there are people addicted to the apps. When they are in a relationship they still chase after someone hotter/better in bed.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Women swipe on 5%. Men swipe on 60%

[@jasonrocksvegas]

Same shit. Statistics and data on all dating apps. Less than 5% of men will even get the time of day from women. Except 100% messages from only fans and scammers.

[@Toni_Snark]

Because 95% of guys are just swiping on everybody. And women know that.

[@jasonrocksvegas]

I don't believe that at all what proof of data shows this? Used dating apps before on average I swiped on 10% of women only. Most are unattractive

[@JT-rx1eo]

​@janicetribbiani7535 Studies show men swipe in about 50%. But that still doesn't address the original question. Women swipe in 4% at most. They all think they are a golden 10/10 and deserve only the rich guy. They won't get him.

[@thomasscott199]

Most women think 90% of men are ugly. Only 4-5% of men get all the attention from women. The men that are kind of average are called medium ugly.

[@Jeremy-ql1or]

To be fair, the 5% who get all the women also get those messages from OF girls and scammers.

[@YTguySmithy-lk6go]

You could argue the opposite point. If a woman isn't feeling any chemistry and ghosts the guy she's doing him a favour. No second or third dates with him paying!

[@jeffvillapiano541]

Congratulations, you have rationalized ghosting 👏👏👏 what a honorable woman it is who does this

[@mollygrace3068]

Ghosting is always ridiculous. Just say you’re not interested.

[@alex_flyce]

why should he pay always on the first place? he can pay he feels like, but not because he has to

[@incoherent-marbles]

​@@alex_flycethat's why first dates are better when they're free. That's not always an option but my first date with my boyfriend was at a really pretty park (my idea). Personally I think the whole "who should pay?" issue just makes both people uncomfortable so why not just not make it an issue at all? And if you ask a woman on a free date and she declines, well you already know that she wasn't agreeing to a date for the right reasons and you can be the one who ghosts. Obviously unless you're asking her to come over to your apartment where you live alone. No one in their right mind would agree to that.

[@angelamitchell1385]

Women are doing it wrong It takes time to develop attraction At least 5 positive dating experiences

[@ADobbin1]

The guy you don't feel chemistry is the one you should be with. The guy you feel chemistry with creates chemistry with every woman he meets and will continue to do so during your entire relationship.

[@DimitriTheBarbarian]

Interesting

[@mclarenf45]

Here culture is the biggest influence on populations - nations which embrace western culture tend to have less populations/marriages whereas nations which embrace their own culture tend to have more populations/marriages.

[@TaxEvasi0n]

There are 2 girls that I used to work with, from different stores. Over 2 years ago for both. One of them I didn't look twice at until I eventually got to know because we applied for the same position, and quickly developed a big crush. Not my standard type, but her laugh, her eyes, her personality were just IT. The 2nd girl, more attractive in a unique way, I spent a lot more time with on the job. I made her laugh, she made me laugh. I loved working with her, but the crush with her developed more slowly, maybe over 3-4 months. I saw her cry, I saw her really happy. Both of these women were in long term relationships at the time and still are, with the latter one now married. I still think of these women til this day, the feelings are still there. I would never cross the line though. They never knew I liked them, and they never will. Both these women didn't seem much to me at the start, but I developed a crush the longer I was with them, and by the end of my time working with each, I without a doubt would have dated them if available. But at first glance, I wouldn't have chosen either.

[@void________]

Ppl aren't designed to filter through that many mating options. It's dually difficult bc online culture has made ppl so mean and abrupt.

[@skorpion7132]

The problem isn't that. The problem is they believe they'll miss out if they hit "like" on someone they 'like'.

[@dmatech]

Not just too many options, but some top 5% men who appear to be options (and might even tell you that you're an option to your face) but aren't really options.

[@deemcturk9317]

Basically, we are all really great at convincing ourselves of our own BS.

[@homemetalstudios759]

after being successful on the apps in my late 20's i became jaded when women would act like they are single and ready to mingle and then A). have to call their boyfriend while in my house and say some BS like "im helping my grandma" (every woman seems to choose a family member as their social cover which is weird in of itself). Also B). they would make things unnecessarily complicated to see if i would chase them through the complications. As a person that was in a 10 year relationship i really have no desire to play games or chase the gazelle. i know who i am. Eventually i got to the point where i decided i will match with women and wait for them to message first. Going on 4 years with over 150 matches and not one has messaged first. Nah i'm good. its obvious this isn't a 2-way street. it's a 1-way alley with debris in it. it also pisses them off when you match and then you don't message first. most will un-match within 2 weeks. it's pretty hilarious to be honest.

[@michaelsantangelo7997]

not to mention how many of the profiles are IG models, OF girls, sex workers, bots, etc.

[@mitshyetienne9255]

Another problem with the apps is they send you matches that are exactly like you (likes, dislikes etc). Meanwhile, we need someone who is a good compliment to us with the same values. We may not "like" the same things, but an introvert might be a great compliment to an extrovert, for example. They also share the same values on how to raise children (for example).

[@nath1284]

That's what I thought must happen and I'm not sure I'd want to meet someone who likes all the same things. Nothing to learn in that. I'd like to meet someone who can expand my experience of this life rather than match my interests.

[@mitshyetienne9255]

@@nath1284 I agree! I don't think the humans creating the algorythims for these apps know how to create ones that do.

[@skoparweaver7692]

@@mitshyetienne9255 They know exactly what works and what doesn't They want you to make relationships that don't last so that you keep dating and keep using the app. The goal is engagement, but without actual results. If the apps completely didn't work then no one would use them, but if they sort of work then people will keep using them until they accidentally find a decent match or eventually get exhausted and stop using the app.

[@polishpimp4233]

@@mitshyetienne9255 There is zero incentive for dating apps to find you a partner. You wont be a customer for long if you find someone quickly.

[@nestharus]

You get people like you? That happens?! Unfathomable.

[@Ben-sp4tg]

She’s dancing around saying what all men know: it’s a women’s game on dating apps and there failure or success is entirely dependent on themselves.

[@Housestationlive]

my lawyer should watch this video first. this is great material to prove datin's app intention is keeping you single. thanks.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Of course they are, that's where the profit is.

[@Housestationlive]

but it's very hard to prove it@@rejectionisprotection4448

[@williamquigley852]

I've started to realize that most of what gets said in these KZbin videos is bullshit. I have dated over 40 years. Gone out with several thousand woman. I hang out with guys who also have gone out with thousands of women over decades. I have never come across a women, or heard second hand of a women, who decided not to date a tall, good looking, wealthy, funny, outgoing, educated single guy because he happens to stack boxes on top of his cupboard. My point is that if the story of the woman who decided not to date a guy because he stacks boxes on cupboard is true (I suspect its not) then the real reason is because he was not rich and attractive. That is the reason she passed on the guy. Women for some reason, perhaps shame or woke'ism, feel compelled to invent inane reasons for passing on a guy rather than just admit they are shallow and simply want a rich handsome guy.

[@Toni_Snark]

He probably looked like a hoarder. We don’t get enough context.

[@williamquigley852]

@@Toni_Snark True. We don’t know the details.

[@skorpion7132]

_"then the real reason is because he was not rich and attractive. "_ Still a sad conclusion to draw is it not?

[@void________]

The problem with apps are ppls' arbitrary filtering process for choosing or swiping on someone. Bottom line, you will not connect with someone without breathing in their chemicals, or what is called chemistry.

[@ronbalcazarginer]

The problem is that you have sex with the girl or boy very fast, everything goes fast with a person you dont know, after some months someone will just see those red flags when you are already conected with your partner. The clue is to take it slow in the era of the speed dating.

[@ralphy1989]

Dont lose yourself with the sex right off the bat

[@Leahmoonbeamflower]

Exactly. I have a turtle philosophy of dating. Just go slow. Flirting is fun. Teasing is fun. No need to spread those cheeks so quickly. 😂 It’s fun to just be friends, actually. Play sports together and lots of flirting.

[@RegisteredNurse926]

It's a balance. If there's no physical intimacy by the third or fourth date, I'm out.

[@LevityBrevity]

To each their own but thats pretty quick to have intercourse with someone you dont know from Adam. ​@@RegisteredNurse926

[@Leahmoonbeamflower]

@@RegisteredNurse926 you mean full blown smex or just kissing and stuff? Because going all the way by the 3rd or fourth date is kind of fast.

[@travelingadler]

Something I had never thought about before with dating apps until this happened and it all makes sense now what all these psychologist have been saying for years. Over a year ago I met a gal on Bumble we met in person and didn't move forward with things. I recently ran into them at a social event of a subject of mutual interest which had mutual acquittances attending. I got a completely different better vibe then. Having a conversation with other people at dinner is a more natural. Shall we say less staged way of meeting someone which just feels better. Getting to know them with the help of mutual acquittances just feels better. It feels less awkward.

[@PiouStarcraft]

a female friend of mine is SUPER cute, every guy at the office find her attractive but she is single. Why ? Because she says that when she goes on a date "it's not like in the movie when the conversation rolls and the guy is always funny etc etc"... She's 28 now, she's been single for a few years and she wonders why she can't find a "perfect guy"

[@GreenHawk84]

Ya'll are talking about going on dates like a lot of us have dates in the first place 😅

[@mormegil84]

So true.

[@Arejen03]

true im 33 havent dated in 13 years

[@brett84c]

I used to get tons of dates on these apps years ago, each year, it gets worse and worse. I'm now going on 4 months with a grand total of 2 actual dates (and a few last minutes bailers). I honestly just think everyone has mental illness and they're desperately trying to cover it up or alleviate it via online dating, to no avail.

[@yaboyjosh3023]

Like we even have the TIME to go on dates. That's the problem. So many people want relationships when they don't have their lives together first. That's how disagreements happen. That's how you compromise for the wrong reasons. And that's when 1 person could be the reason your life goes in a direction YOU DON'T want it to go in.

[@mormegil84]

@@yaboyjosh3023 Yeah. We can barely even take care of our individual selves nowadays.

[@jasperspierings]

5:42 ''they have these really unrealistic expectation'' Enough said! That's it and nothing else

[@Casual_Talk]

💯💯

[@BackeB]

In the case of a woman exiting after the first date, I think there are deeper mechanisms in play. The guy displayed “disqualifiers” which put him below her own perceived sexual market value. Most of it is probably unconscious which is why she rationalize it with reasons like ‘wrong color of belt’ or ‘tapwater instead of sparkling’

[@Toni_Snark]

“Sexual market value.” No wonder you’re single.

[@skorpion7132]

the keyword being "perceived".

[@ghty181]

​@janicetribbiani7535 would dating market value sound better?

[@StatisticsJason]

So many women become single mothers. I would argue women's disqualifiers are broken.

[@dsds3968]

@@Toni_Snark they're describing the reality of the dating market.

[@gingerlove7739]

Ok, I will die single.

[@mormegil84]

Same.

[@TheOutlierToday]

U 2 could date

[@RegisteredNurse926]

​@@TheOutlierTodaylol cupid?

[@TheOutlierToday]

@@RegisteredNurse926 I'm trying lol

[@easter_sunday]

No one cares.

[@breakfastfoodanddarkhaired280]

"Groovy Baby Yeah!!" Cant believe this was a dealbreaker lmfao

[@jamesg1974a]

I’ll do an awesome powers invitation and it’s not because I’m nervous. It’s just funny. If someone says “in a nutshell” in their statement, I am going to do Austin Powers in a nutshell.

[@marianpe5773]

I like how she jump from man to choose paradox to avoid hypergamy and other sht😂

[@jcransome5616]

Just accept the dating apps have proved the cold hard truth of the way women view men and there’s no going back on it now

[@Bullet-Tooth-Tony-]

They’ll be banned soon mark my words, the company are already being sued 😂

[@thomasscott199]

Tiktok has allowed women to showcase their bad behaviour and messed up thought process and its not very nice.

[@Laissez-faire402]

Ban dating apps

[@Bullet-Tooth-Tony-]

@Laissez-faire402 The company who runs them are being sued LOL

[@earthling808]

ban? really? Do we need to enforce our morality on others or should we allow people to learn on their own? Exposing them should be enough.

[@markh9875]

In her portrayal of the study, she says "The time they first met" and equates it to "first date". She mentions "friends for a while" only in passing.

[@abart2056]

My 2 cents is I felt the dating apps I used made me lazy. I quit the apps after a girlfriend mentioned seeing several of the men during her time online 3 years before. That told me that I need to get myself out there in person and that's what I'm doing. I also know that looks can be deceiving. To choose someone using photos and verbiage to decide on a date is misleading. I also quit the constant texting and video chatting too much before meeting in person because it gave a false sense of knowing the person. Dating apps possibly work for 1% because it's like looking through a Sears catalog that you can set down and pick up to look through but not make a decision. I could be wrong but I'm done with the apps.

[@stacyjaye6350]

That false sense of knowing someone... So cringey and weird!

[@Casual_Talk]

@3:50 "If you keep juggling people, you're never going to get to know anybody" and thats the main issue with ghosting in online dating.

[@greg9069]

Smart phones ruined relationships.

[@tres5533]

She's lying about men being unrealistic in regards to beauty standards with online dating. Notice how she never actually said women had unrealistic standards for men. She went straight to a "maximixer story" to deflect. This woman is full of bullshit. Just sayin'

[@TheSocratesofAthens]

It seems that many are victims of their own expectations.

[@ayowser01]

No chemistry=

[@Leahmoonbeamflower]

Gosh…. Humans put way too much pressure on themselves. Just RELAX. Breathe….. dating should be fun. Just think of it as two friends going out to get tea/ coffee/ matcha/ whatever… and yes.. please just pay for your own things. It just makes things less complicated. Just meet up as two acquaintances and throw a frisbee around or take a walk in the park or play some basketball or yo-yo 😂 All this overthinking about everything is exhausting. Nothing really matters ( that much).

[@easter_sunday]

Dating is not fun for men. It has never been "fun".

[@CJ-ft9yo]

I’ve never had much fun on a date, and I have fun at work, at parties, at checkouts!

[@delawarehistory1675]

A date? Whats that? Most guys can't get dates. Spoken like a person with female privilege.

[@Joseph-uv2ud]

If a woman pays for her own things on a date, then she will think the guy is cheap and likely not give him a second date. As a guy you have to pay for the woman on the first date to have any chance at a second

[@delawarehistory1675]

@@Joseph-uv2ud I thought women wanted equality? Or do they only want equality when it benefits them? Pay for all their stuff like its old fashioned times. But have them be feminine? heck no! She's a modern woman! You keep graveling for them!

[@rachael8078]

Met my finance off tinder. I was so over it and basically would cry thinking about another first date. The minute I saw him I knew I was in trouble 😂😂😂 in a good way lol

[@emdo.unlimited555]

6:47 some people look for fit and hot, others look for not fat and not ugly. I make no comment on correlation by gender.

[@RockBottom4]

Feminism is not great.

[@fuzzypanda1684]

The biggest problem with dating is that women look for any reason not to date a guy and can choose who they're with. Meanwhile, guys have to look for any reason TO date a girl and have little choice in who they date. Reports on dating apps indicate that both men and women are experiencing burnout. But it's for very different reasons. Women are tired of opening the app and having to sift through dozens of matches and messages. But men are tired of opening the app and having no new matches and no replies. It's abundance vs scarcity in its purest form.

[@alex_flyce]

This is so spot on

[@akannation2453]

Claims to be a couples therapist, but still minimizes the needs of men and baby women’s choices

[@Toni_Snark]

You honestly didn’t listen to this. 😂

[@TZeldaOo]

Thats basically how couples therapists are trained

[@SlashinatorZ]

I've deleted Tinder 3x in the past 7 years & am done with scummy dating apps. But how do I meet girls in person when I live in rural Houston? Theres no 3rd places here & everything is so freaking spread out I HAVE to have a car. Everyone's old af so there's very few girls under 40 to be seen. Any activities outside of driving, shopping, dining & auto repairs are completely alien to us so don't bring up anything to do with meetups or clubs. And I'm far too poor to move out of my parents house.

[@psyclotronxx3083]

Men read profiles

[@dr.florence]

I read Gottlieb's book on marriage and settling, and it was incredibly harmful to me. I am 100% subscribing to the idea of having a bigger-meshed filter when dating or swiping or whatever, but as a 37-year old woman who has been married for 6 years and is divorced and who has had the maddest of childhood trauma that she's working through - Gottlieb's banging on about how woman my age are "worthless" in the dating market was so freaking SHIT to my mental health, made me feel awful and ugly and old and digusting for months. It took two men I was (am) dating in the past half year to tell me thst this kind of drivle is BS and although they're 30 and 34 and could have picked a younger woman, they never saw me as less attractive or desirable. In fact, quite the opposite. --- As far as I know, Gottlieb herself is chronically single, so I wouldn't trust her advice if anybody was giving me a millions dollars for taking it.

[@netsherrera7193]

Are those couple of guys really attractive to younger women? If they could really get a younger woman, do you think they would seriously choose you? 90% of men know very well the feeling you're talking about, but not at 37, but since weare 17. Reality is not about the way "we feel", is about the way things are.

[@grubbyarmadillo9863]

Thank you for saying this, sis. Sure, some relationships have big age gaps, but that doesn't mean you are worthless in this age group or that age group. This type of perspective on the age gap really makes dating a lot more confusing in a way that puts anyone off. Sure, some girls my age (I'll be 26 this May) usually look for guys that are older than men, but not all. Same case for men looking for women. It really just comes down to who you can really have a good time, regardless of age. Also, I'm sorry for you had to go through a traumatic childhood. I can relate to that.

[@Amoki86]

^^^ This. The moment she mentioned she gets the "ick" when men did not want to pay during the date in this interview, it's a sign she has her own sets of issues. Icks are uncontrolled "gut reactions" stem from unprocessed trauma stored in the body. Secured people don't get "icks", they can legitimate articulate why a relationship will not work out and what does not fit the life they want.

[@DrivingPeter]

The real reason you felt this way isnt because you heard someone say it. Its because you are experiencing first hand that the male attention you used to have is fading away and that by now your chances of finding the man you believe you deserve are slim to none. I feel zero sympathy for women who thought they would ride the carousel forever. Women’s value to men are in the younger years when they are the most physical attractive, while men when they are older when they’ve gained experience and resources. Thats the game.

[@rjflores438]

Women your age are not "worthless" byt women in their 20s have more power in the datinflg marketplace because by and large they are more physically attractive and at the peak of their beauty and fertility.

[@Housestationlive]

this show is a bit more respectful than dating podcasts, and guests have more credibility to be respected and heard.

[@Farsidejunky]

And yet, they still arrive at many of the same conclusions about modern dating, despite one format having more perceived credibility than the other.

[@Housestationlive]

it's mostly the thumnails pointing at an induvidual with a devaluating adjective which i don't digest personnaly@@Farsidejunky i would like to import whatever in france, but i couldn't be that hateful just for clicks.

[@dave-oh3549]

"Women look at all the pictures and read a man's profile" and then ask if they can see themselves marrying this person? This lady has no clue!

[@nikosbalakos6525]

Most of the women I dated from online dating never bothered to read my dating bio, moreover they couldn't care less about my hobbies or interests, expected me to carry the conversation and had few hobbies outside of makeup,clothes and taking photos of themselves and food.

[@rl7329]

This women is describing female behavior and not male behavior

[@rayrwyr]

"Feminism is great. I am a feminist". Ok, no need to waste time watching this interview.

[@hungryonos5097]

Feminism means different things to Different people. And you can always learn from people even if you dont agree with them on some things.

[@grubbyarmadillo9863]

Dude, this is a real feminist who is actually trying to speak out for both sides. Not the so-called "feminists" or alphabet people you hear nowadays.

[@JCNARB]

We’re all stuck in analysis paralysis.

[@BodyByBenSLC]

Women are EXTREMELY PETTY. True story, went on date with woman 45, 2 kids she dose not have custodyof , lives at home, no drivers license because DUI's and her 70 year old mother had to drive her to work at Red Robin. We went out one time and she said she didn't want second date. The reason? I have a playstation in my apartment. That was the reason, just unbelievable, I was doing her favor I have my life together, my bills are paid but this woman that can barely handle the lunch rush didn't like I game every once in awhile. It's not even the 5, I am still on PS4. What's the point of even dating? You can't win.

[@saelaird]

Zero accountability for women in her assessment.

[@errol484]

7:16 Here, this is a general description of how men view romantic options. 7:44 Here, this is a general description of how women view romantic options. I did not say all men or women; I said that it is a general description. Specifically, it really represents this modern era of dating.

[@shriekinambassador5042]

my first day, second day third day to 7th day were just an aquaitance of mien that I helped. We broke up because of long distance and other issues (she wanted to have a career woman in her own country, I did not want to move to her country) yet I went from hey she is nice to gods I can not be without that person for a moment without feeling sad and sick in a span of a week. It was the best time of my life.

[@lavayuki]

The difference between how men use these apps and how women do is just so different it's insane. The extreme spectrums of over analyzing vs under analyzing. Very few people are in the middle, which is why the success rate of these apps is so low

[@LuckyPeonyFlower-sz8qk]

Yeah but what if you get a lot of guys who are not over their exes and mention them early on before their date or on the first date? Like I keep attracting people I'm back up option for but they like some other match more who didn't reply or they're not over exes? I never even asked about exes. I also get "we should go out sometime" but then they ghost and never get back to you or just text but never make plans for a month still? You just waited? Then you're just done thinking they're into other women and that you're not lovable.

[@RegisteredNurse926]

I think your grammar is what is making you not a first option...

[@TV-el6uj]

you have to understand that men are maximizers when using dating apps. They could be chatting with five or ten different women and they might forget. It doesn't hurt to be the one to initiate and ask them out.

[@davesmith826]

@@TV-el6uj Only men? 😅 You might wish to speak to some women sometime about how they use the apps. They receive ten times the likes and filter on a scale that no man beyond a celebrity / multimillionaire will understand. You'll actually find several videos on KZbin of people setting up fake profiles on dating apps to see this play out in practice. They set up one fake profile for a 10 male - staggeringly good looking, a doctor / lawyer / architect, 6' or above etc. - and another for a less than average woman - a 3. In every case, the woman gets FAR more attention than the man and the longer the experiment lasts the greater the disparity.

[@houseofvenusMD]

​@@RegisteredNurse926yes that's Victoria's big secret...learn grammar. That's why Asian women overseas have trouble catching western dudes 😂

[@brandonliddy6389]

I mean I wouldn't grammar police Payson but yes how someone talks and carries themselves can put their chances down.

[@Dan-u1o]

Yes true..too many choices is not good

[@Nature-wi7xm]

This lady have no idea real dating apps world know female hypergamy 😢

[@odgnj5]

"He doesn't want to pay for my coffee or dinner maybe hes an asshole who doesn't like me."

[@Bullet-Tooth-Tony-]

No wonder match group are being sued

[@autoclearanceuk7191]

A lack of honesty in the whole conversations around dating. What percentage of the time do they have sex ? What motivates this ? Where are the consequences of this ? STDs ? Who asks who on the date ? How many women ask someone on a date ? Any why not more ?

[@goldjellyfish2452]

Terrible quality women with a lot of issues. Not worth it for men

[@kieranramtohal9645]

Chemistry = Chad Tingles = Tyrone They won’t spend ages analysing the pictures and poring over insignificant details when the profiles are Chad and Tyrone. Fact.

[@SpeedyDatingUK]

We realized that the part of people who go on a date with high expectations most often do not get what they expected and get upset. Question for them - after watching this video, will you change your attitude to dates and acquaintances?

[@travisclark9]

Her explanation of “maximizer’s and satisfier’s” is just her saying “women and men” but she uses those words as to not put the blame where it lies.. with the women.

[@swirvfly]

she keeps saying “people” and not pinpointing who’s causing the problems. it’s “WOMEN” who choose to go on dates just because or decide not to go on a second date because there’s no “spark.” why would i man (the person expected to pay for the first few encounters) waste money ‘just because’? she’s continuously letting women off the hook (no surprise) by trying to lump men in the behavioral problems with dating. this problem will never change if we don’t acknowledge who the main perpetrators are.

[@mgrahamization]

Come on. Both are as bad as each other on the apps. I know lots of my good female friends have dated guys that have said they are interested in relationships then lied just to smash. And by no means are these 10/10 guys. Ive seen pics of them. All my female friends have asked for is the guy to be honest. If they are out to smash, say so. But there is dishonesty in men as as well. Plenty of married men or men in relationships on there too. So.... lets not make out this is all women that are problematic.

[@tjoho83]

This is my experience too on dating apps. People are in general not Wise enough to get the kind of power dating app gives them. after 11 years of Single (and a couple of relationships during this period) I have lost hope on humanity on this area. My take is that there is no solution and humanity are stuck in this. Perhaps (with a very big IF, AI could make humans to overcome themselves in these problems)

[@wendydaniel1110]

Dating apps can become the catalyst to your seeing a therapist. That's the only thing it is good for at the end of the day ,self discovery. .

[@chinweukaegbu9435]

😂😂😂Agreed

[@autoclearanceuk7191]

I have had two women go home with another man she met when we were on the night out ? Right in front of my face. Why do they do this cruel thing ?

[@Melanie____]

Or maybe why do you attract to those types.. in searching for female friends I can tell these types of women and none of my friends are those types.. you can spot them the same. Don’t get me wrong it’s wrong what they did.. but I’m always surprised at the ‘more desirable’ women who I get passed up for. I wouldn’t even want to be their friend.

[@emdo.unlimited555]

​@@Melanie____ it's not like this "type" have a tell tattooed on their foreheads so it catches guys by surprise when a girl thinks this is a normal and natural thing to do. While I sympathize it makes your dating life harder, men will begin to assume any women is capable of it even if they're not. No one is looking out for number one except number one.

[@autoclearanceuk7191]

@@Melanie____ Thanks for your insight. I have always thought women have the same problem. Men can spot another man with bad intentions far more easily than women. I guess because we spend more time with the same sex generally.

[@Melanie____]

@@emdo.unlimited555 no they don’t have tattoos that is correct but there are other clues its the same way I have many friends and yet none of them are this type. Maybe ask others to help you out here. Other women will easily be able to spot this .. and you can draw on their recommendations if you can’t work it out yourself. Good luck

[@StatisticsJason]

I had this happen to me and then I fetishized it as a turn on. I think this happened, subconsciously, to avoid the pain.

[@Arejen03]

its literally shopping and concentrating a whole human beign to a shiny or ugly product

[@budbas]

What is the purpose of dating?

[@ATOK_]

To increase depression

[@budbas]

In Greek time, the family arranges for marriage. No dating. In Abraham time, he brought women from distant land to be a wife for his son, Isaac. No dating. In kingdom time, the European royal family arranges marriage between their prince and princess. No dating. So, the question remains. What is the purpose?

[@ATOK_]

@@budbas you know that Abraham never existed right?

[@budbas]

@@ATOK_ Bible says he exist. I don't know, I never met him. He lived way before I was born. Nevermind. Learn the wisdom, not the verses.

[@ATOK_]

@@budbas what wisdom?

[@aurozappa305]

This woman is totally full of it

[@mirkokovacic8383]

Let’s also be honest about the importance of physique once and for all. Any woman who says they put personality and chemistry over looks is a liar. I know lots of bright, intelligent and nice guys who can't do it with girls because they're not particularly good-looking

[@Jackripster69]

Im of a vintage well before dating apps and social media but let me tell you, i did be very happy with Jam i chose. First id scan to make sure im getting 100% Jam and not trans jam or something cheap and nasty. Then ill look for the best value, i don't want to pay top dollar for jam that only has appealing packaging. Before long you don't care about the packaging, you care about the content. Even if it takes me 3 or 4 attempts to find the right tasting jam for my tastes i wouldn't regret the decision. Its not like im so hard to please i need to wonder what all the Jams are like. Once ive found my jam that's it, no need to even look at other jams unless it goes out of production. Also from limited experience with apps, they seem pure numbers game even for women. For men it more so in just getting the match, for women its about getting to the coffee or first date. In both scenarios its beneficial to men and women to display pics of when they were younger and/ or paint themselves in an unrealistic light. People can grow an early attachment just from pics and chat and a percentage will look past the fact in real life they would've swiped left. A numbers game to get better than your real market value, and even if all that works its likely to fail because its largely built of perceptions of superficial people. Fact is i do the opposite, im in a reasonably financially strong position and but i refuse to post pics overseas, in suits, dressed up or with expensive item. I want the superficial people to swipe left. If it means no matches so be it, id rather than the complications that would come otherwise.

[@trubiz4u]

This lady is a professional liar

[@CJ-ft9yo]

Had the same feeling with a shirt off pic but he didn’t have sheets on the bed and it wasn’t even his bed. But tbf he expected me to be taxi driver on second date.

[@farhadakrami625]

The problem with the analogy of choosing a romantic partner versus shopping for a good, is that a partner is not a good to purchase. It makes it hard to listen to someone when their view of choosing a partner is like shopping at a grocery store or a mall!

[@nicefish10]

I don’t know a single man that wants to be with a super model.

[@MarekUtd]

As soon as she said "feminism is great, I'm a feminist", I stopped taking her seriously.

[@rainbow20112011]

Women actually read the profiles on dating apps? Yeah...No. They just look at the photos. They are more obsessed with looks than even men are of women.

[@Avocadocat-qo2tb]

As a woman I never looked at a man profile picture and thought about marriage

[@easter_sunday]

Dating apps are dumb. You can do the same kind of networking on a traditional social media app for free. (if that's your thing. Either way it'll never be for anything more than hookup culture.)

[@steveaustin7306]

I've experienced loads of chemistry on a first date. Meaningless unless you want a one or two night stand. It's meaningless right off the bat. Single and went off apps. Done with it. No real options for finding a mate as society has removed the old ways

[@youyoua988]

There isn’t enough info on a profile to really decide, the focus is photos thus physical attraction, it’s really boring.

[@daleprokopiuk9400]

The biggest problem with dating apps is women are just all alike!!

[@dsds3968]

Dating apps are a total waste of time for the majority of men. Don't get drawn into complicated analyses. The average man is not exciting enough or attractive enough for an average woman. They spend their time swiping on men that do excite them (top few percent by looks).

[@thatguyoverthere5788]

Just another reason not to use dating apps, the date butterflies won’t give you a second chance.

[@millsy1544]

Stephen asked a question who has higher expectations but listen to what she says she answered the question without answering the question look how long she answered when it came to the expectations of men and how long she explained women.

[@MH-hy2ot]

This woman is wrong on so many points