Class Differences, The Bachelorette Tax, & The Wedding Industrial Complex

[@scarpfish]

Nothing exemplifies the absurdity of our consumer culture more brilliantly than a group of young friends who have a societal expectation to pay through the nose to be in each other's weddings, precisely at the same time their disposable income is likely shaky and their student loan debt balance is likely massive.

[@whenhen]

My fiancee's sister "required" that all 5 of her bridesmaids, most of whom were poor or lower middle class, come for 5 days, stay in hotels around the area, and all get matching dresses, as well as go out to eat multiple times throughout that period. She even tried to get me to change my dress because apparently it was too similar to the color the bridesmaids were wearing, despite never putting prohibited colors on the wedding invite, and me only finding out when I had already flown out there (mine was deep red, and the bachelorette party was maroon). All I could think when I found this out was that she needed a reality check into others' finances, and the fact that not everyone can easily take 5 days off willy nilly. We used that experience to reduce the expenditures for our wedding party as much as possible. All four of our friends who are going to be the two bridesmaids and two maids of honors respectively, were instructed to come out one day before for a very cheap bachelorette party (literally a nice restaurant and a hike), and told this is the general color we'd like your dress to be. Let us know if you have any issues finding one in your budget and size and we're happy to help.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Then we should stop normalizing absolute idiots racking up student debt. In almost all situations there are far cheaper ways to get a degree.

[@jennaenright1194]

My wedding didn't have a wedding party. Just my husband and me. It was so much easier that way.

[@tencelTechnologist]

I disagree about cash bars. It is not fair for people who choose not to drink or don’t drink to pay for someone else to have 5 drinks. open bars encourage people to get drunk and be sloppy and then ruin the wedding. any party I have will be a cash bar but food should always be included.

[@jennaenright1194]

@Neon Rose guests don't pay to attend a wedding though so non-drinkers wouldn't be finding the open bar.

[@sara61696]

As a 2023 bride, THANK YOU. My fiance and I have had to nearly bully vendors into telling us the prices of things upfront. It's truly insane how much the wedding industry considers the cost of things to be optional information...

[@faviolarobles-saenz2672]

Omg same!! It’s so frustrating!

[@Sara-mo4mx]

Same. I sent messages to 20+ shops specifically stating my budget for a dress, found one that assured me they would have options only to get there and be told to only try on the clearance (all of which were still 200 over my budget) and they could maybe "work something out" with the price. So I tried on whatever I wanted and took pictures to compare when I shop elsewhere

[@TarTelperienNumenor]

I remember when I was researching photographers I would immediately cross them off the list if they didn't at least have a "Wedding packages start at $x" note on their website. Like, no, I'm not going to waste my time with a "Please contact me for pricing information" photographer ✌

[@S.A.White...]

I realized in my late 20s that people don't talk about their financial failures, only their financial successes. Most people won't tell you that they are losing money day trading or managing properties. Most people won't tell you that the fancy clothes and furniture they own is from a ton of credit card debt. So celebrate others' successes with them, but realize that is not the whole picture and you should not hold yourself to their standard.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

My parents started preaching these kind of things to us at extremely young ages. I am super thankful I got so much money education from them (and mountains more, just excellent parents) but on the flip its really hard as a result to relate and have enough empathy for the absolute stupid things so many do with money. I struggle with that on this channel for example the ‘past’ she talks about I just have zero relatability to and don’t understand why so many parents apparently fail so bad at teaching just the basics of money management.

[@brittniep9219]

@@lijohnyoutube101 It is also not parents fault always. My parents definitely did teach me, and I still went a few thousand dollars into debt on my first credit card with untreated and undiagnosed ADHD, severe depression, grad student that had been used to working full-time prior to that, etc.

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes indeed😊

[@genier7829]

I'm old, but the wedding implied reciprocity was around in my day as well. Sadly, I am single and still paying the single surcharge. Adding insult to financial injury, in a number of cases the last time I socialized with a college or work friend was at their wedding, because single friends are easily shed after marriage. I never got married, had a baby or a housewarming, but spent several decades giving gifts to friends and colleagues for these events. I'm 63, with no nice kitchen or housewares except a few I bought for myself. I made the mistake of buying nice things for others (registry) instead of myself!

[@misa5941]

Throw yourself a big birthday party next year! Plus start buying yourself stuff you like now!

[@haleymist09]

Wow, I never thought of it that way, but it's true. Well, I guess I'm in the generation that gets married later so we already come with our own things, but registries are still expected. I told my cousin to have a homewarming party because she just bought her own house as a single woman and needed things for her child, but she's not the type to ask others. I myself will probably never get married, and I realized now, when it's Christmas or something and I'm buying presents (I don't buy for a lot of people 🙃), if I like it, and might buy one for myself .

[@nordette]

Have a housewarming or birthday party for yourself

[@tanvi7532]

i guess i always believed the wedding gift is close to per head cost in culture. so a single person may gift 100, couple gifts 200 lets say. this is more applicable i guess here in aussie where we dont do registries its more wishing well not gifts. most poeple have their home and stuff already so cash is king. i also am paying for fair bit of my bridal party expenses tbh

[@shortbreadgirlscout3463]

IGo get massage then take yourself out to eat then watch a good movie at home. It's not right everyone just forgot about you. Luckily there's still time to think about yourself!

[@ChapstickChunx]

Agreed. Just turned down my friend's 4-day bach trip where flight + lodging alone cost $1000 without even factoring in activities, food, drinks, airport transport, etc. I would also need to take 2-3 days off work and I'm a freelancer, so that's another $1000 in lost wages. $100 on the bridesmaid dress, $700 to travel to her ACTUAL wedding, $200 cash gift... We're at $3,000! The entitlement of people's expectations is shocking.

[@focusedficus]

Guaranteed, after the wedding, you will never see this friend again.

[@perthfanny3017]

As a European, I find this absolutely insane 😱

[@ChapstickChunx]

@@perthfanny3017 It truly is!

[@jenurban]

More people should confront this so it stops the idea that it’s the norm.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Just to sort of add a flip view, everyone grows up so extremely different that on the receiving end it can feel like entitlement (and yes that is true) but on a deeper level its really more of a disconnect with different realities. I grew up in an area where vacations /trips etc were totally commonplace. Not only was it very much the norm for the vast majority of the kids but to the degree that even international trips was very common. International trips were not the majority but certainly far from atypical. My husband grew up in dysfunctional poverty. As a young professional with two degrees and my own house by my early 30’s pre-marriage it took me a long time to understand why my of course you take like 2-6 small vacations/ long weekend type trips a yr and 1-2 bigger trips and like every 3-6 yrs roughly a big big trip, was such a shock to him. It just was not his normal. Also taking a 2-3k trip in my mid 20’s wouldn’t have been atypical in my yearly vacation budget and beyond that I was immature enough I really wouldn’t have understood that was atypical for many. I was working a full time and a part time job then while in school full time and just didn’t have the insights of later adulthood that not everyone had a normal of work damm hard, then play!

[@TheGrownUpMillennial]

I actually regret not spending more on my wedding. I wanted a really inexpensive, “chill” wedding but we had 80+ guests. My dad and brother cooked all the food which was amazing but I hardly saw them through the whole thing and when I did, they were sweaty and exhausted. The food was delicious but I wish I had just paid for catering so I could’ve had more time to dance and hang with the two of the most important people in my life.

[@Uncle_Smidge]

I wish I could have afforded a bit of catering for mine so I could hang with my mom and her husband more. Bless them, they took command of the food table to help out.

[@danahashcroft9482]

I regret not inviting some family in the interest of costs

[@leafyboots]

Yeah, I regret not getting to spend more money on food. Also my dress and hair, I'd redo my dress and hair completely and spend more money bc I really tried to save money but I just didn't feel beautiful. Everyone should get to feel beautiful on their wedding day.

[@tristfall1]

It sounds like you had almost exactly my wedding. I'm sorry you regretted that decision. I just wanted to say that no matter how much I loved my wedding, the time since has been better. I've spent much more time with all the people that were there, and while it was very interesting to see my super religious aunt and my militantly communist old roommate having conversations about my cats, I'm glad to be past the requirement to put them in a room together. Weddings are a fun party, but you can throw more parties with a lot fewer social requirements around them now that you're married. I probably made a lot of mistakes with my wedding, but it was just one of many parties I've had with my wife. So I guess what I'm suggesting is: Invite your dad and brother and some other people they'd like out, and you cook this time.

[@krystelhardesty9960]

The trick is to keep the amount of people small I had only 50 people at ours. We went to a water front hotel and the food was great in all it was just shy of 6,000 for everything including my dress and flowers everything.

[@toin9898]

I've been a wedding photographer for well over a decade at this point and let me tell you, the best, most fun weddings I have attended have been under tents in peoples backyards. There's no stress of having to be precisely on time because the church has another wedding an hour after your wraps up and you don't have to deal with a tacky reception hall and all of their shenanigans and rules. The bride and groom are usually so much less stressed and it actually feels authentic and fun. My advice for anyone planning a wedding is to skip the reception hall, if it can be at all avoided. Keep the party smaller and have it at a restaurant instead if you don't have access to a large backyard in the middle of farmland. Far too often I've had cafeteria-grade food at purpose-built wedding venues (Where I know it is costing the bride and groom an arm and a leg) and it's just so disappointing, I'd rather have a rotisserie pig (catered) served under a white tent any day of the week.

[@darias5689]

We got married in the pandemic year 2021 with just 25 guests in a restaurant on the edge of Berlin, where we live. We had a big room to ourselves and plenty of space at the veranda. No band, just a playlist made by our friends. No special programme, just us and our friends. Best decision ever. The food was really nice. No bridesmaids, no church ceremony (no way they would have any of my money!), we danced and ate and drank all day. Best day in our memory. Oh, and I didn't buy a big white dress but vintage pale lavender number, which I love so much now. The whole bridal aesthetic never fit me once I hit 20, anyway (I was 30 when I married).

[@jswan312]

I wish we as a society could come to the realization that the days of unlimited growth are over. The days of 2000 sq foot starter homes, 2 SUVs in the driveway, immediately after a wedding are over. We need to embrace a more sustainable way to live. The “ American Dream” should not just mean unhinged consumption.

[@kburkes4245]

I'm a sociology professor and I love your discussion of social class ❤️

[@katehopp85]

OMG--the part about churning out wedding after wedding at a venue! Went to an incredibly expensive wedding at a very exclusive resort in Hawaii, where they did four weddings "at sunset" on the same beach. Each couple had twenty minutes, and the brides passed each other coming up and down the path to the beach. That just doesn't feel "my special day" to me!

[@oneofeverything9820]

I traveled literally across the globe once for a wedding and still had to give a cash gift... I was like, "mate, I spent like $2000 alone on flights to get here!"

[@novemberpepper9761]

That’s when you don’t travel to the wedding and send a smaller gift

[@kristinapaxton9686]

Ha! I would have sent them Monopoly game money to really send the message and save my rl money.

[@autumnmoonfire3944]

When my husband and I moved into a house we had a housewarming, an English friend had introduced us to the concept of “your presence, not your presents” and we we used it in our invitations to our housewarming. We are so glad we did. We were just wanting our friends to admire our home and have a couple drinks with us.

[@1MegArbo]

That happened to a friend of mine! AND she took pics as a photog and the bridezilla STILL expected a GIFT as if the global flight and her prof photog skills weren't enough! Gross!

[@sophianachtigall3598]

I got married 9 years ago on a wedding which included 13 people and we had a lunch in a nice restaurant after the civil ceremony. This was wish of me and my husband. No particular gifts were exchanged. Nobody went into debt to be there. I had a designer dress, and my husband was wearing expensive suit. But this was a choice. And you can not even imagine foe much backlash we experienced, how many people acted insulted because there were no big wedding. It was like we owe that to our families.

[@transitionsnc]

Good for you. You and your husband made a great decision.

[@rokzane]

My husband and I got married at the courthouse with a Judge and just our parents and siblings as witnesses. Then we had a backyard BBQ with our friends and extended family who could be there. It was fabulous and we saved so much money that we put towards our first home. That was 25 years ago.

[@transitionsnc]

@@rokzane Good for you and your husband for having common sense.

[@sophianachtigall3598]

@@rokzane amazing! My parents got married after one concert, with only few friends witnessed. That would be equivalent to marrying someone in Vegas. And they are married for 36 years. So I would say, not having a big wedding is becoming a family tradition of ours 😂😂

[@kaylachristenson9664]

Omg we did the same thing and are so happy we did every time we attend a big wedding! It often feels forced and stressful. We always say we will have a big an anniversary party for one of the big ones and we get to celebrate then with a real accomplishment and all of our kids!

[@JeddtheJedi]

I cannot speak to other countries, but here in Singapore, there definitely is a wedding industrial complex, and it's specifically for weddings for ethnic Chinese people, the largest demographic in Singapore. When you get invited to a wedding, you are expected to give a cash gift that is equal to or more than how much your seat at the table for the wedding banquet would cost. There isn't a culture of a wedding gift registry - it's basically cash gifts only. If you're giving a material item to the couple, that's in addition to your cash gift. There are even helpful charts indicating how much is expected based on the venue. The fancier the venue, typically a hotel, the more a table would cost. Oftentimes, this is something that the couple themselves may not want, but that their parents want, as a means to flex. So if you're going for a wedding dinner as one guest, you are expected to pay between $200 and $400 a person, depending on the venue. If you're invited, you basically have no choice but to go and pay your share of the bill. It's not a "gift" - it's expected. It makes every wedding seem very calculative and in my opinion, sucks all of the joy out of it. A gift should be a gift, not an unspoken expectation.

[@ca-ke9493]

Also, once you are officially invited, you are expected to pay your share of the seat, even if you cannot make it. Often there is a discussion beforehand so the invitation itself does not come as a surprise. It helps to lessen the financial burden of the wedding but hotels be making a killing on this tradition.

[@itslatasha4726]

It’s so weird watching videos like this where people are mentioning how often they go to weddings. I’m 37 and have only been to like 3 weddings in my entire life. So even thinking of 1 a year sounds extreme and this guy mentioned going to about 5 in one year! 🤯

[@em77230]

Thank you!!! I was looking for this comment! 😂

[@emiliabolsas]

And no mention of how few of the weddings one attends lead to successful marriages and/or how few of the individuals you remain friends with. Easily half of them I am no longer in touch with, including the only wedding that I have ever been in and had to fly to Europe for.

[@BC-np8cb]

Same! I have friends and am def not a recluse, but I have been to like 2 weddings in the last 10 years. I think it's not as normal as they make it seem on this podcast for people to be so focused on marriage and constant huge parties. I agree with them that weddings are ridiculous, but I know a lot of people, even close friends, who just opt for a simple gathering of their parents and siblings and drinks at home or a restaurant and nobody feels weird about it.

[@BC-np8cb]

Or they're just not getting married at all 'cause who really needs that either.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

I have been to like approximately 1 every 2-3 yrs in middle age mostly family. In my mid 20’s to mid 30’s mostly friends but some family I went to 1-4 each yr. I think there is a phase of life where people are finishing their first or second degree and ready for next life phase just like ages approx 28-38 were a lot of baby showers. Now its one like every approx 3-6 yrs, all family Once you are sort of out of those typically planned life steps its not a routine life phase anymore.

[@pri.sci.lla.]

I was a bridesmaid and I wouldn’t do it again unless it was someone I was closer to. It was a huge waste of time and money.

[@94onyx94]

I was one twice, and they were both horrible experiences.

[@sinestesianestesia9079]

​@@94onyx94why so? If i can ask

[@_gonna_renew_my_sinew]

I was a maid of honor & it wasn’t a headache nor a bad experience but this was about 5 years ago and my friend is already divorced, so yea. Waste of time & $$

[@MichaelJohnson-vi6eh]

I am from a very working class background and live in a very working class neighborhood. All my siblings wedding had big weddings but not really elaborate in the 70's and 80's I seem to hear these days that even working class brides have some kind of expectation that this is the only time in their lives when they get to be a princess or something. They think that they will never go to a nice resort or go a formal occasion or have any other occasion to dress up EVER again, so its very artficial.

[@JeMGlitter]

I'm getting sick of celebrating everyone else's milestones with my money while I sit here single, and not planning on hitting any of those milestones. Sorry, not sorry.

[@threefreaksonaleash6619]

Same. I stopped spending my money on nice gifts for friends that never cared to celebrate me. I’m childfree and don’t want to ever get married so I’m focusing on saving my money for further travels and my dogs. I have been celebrating myself and it feels great. We need to normalize celebrating everyone - not just those types of life changes. Cheers!

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

But if you wanted to get married, wouldn’t you expect the same from them? This sounds kinda stingy tbh. Like “I don’t have a dog so fuck your dog”. Why it gotta be all that? 😂

[@1MegArbo]

Have a big damn birthday party and register for gifts. Let all the married baby makers know about it. Your real friends will get it. I did that for 50 and it was great!!

[@withyoctopus]

I understand. That would annoy me, too. In my country, we don't have all that. Attending a wedding costs a gift of maybe 50€, formal clothing that you can reuse for every formal event and maybe a hotel room if it's in another city. My wedding was at my parent's farm house. We had a caterer for food. A few hotel rooms for guests who had a long way to go. We didn't spent anything on music, decoration, clothing, cake, fun and games. The cake was a gift by sometime who could bake. Pictures were taken by two people who had that as a hobby. It was a gift. My mother decorated with wild flowers in little glasses.

[@balalaika852]

@@MISSMADISONMEDIA Why would anyone expect their friends to pay for their wedding? You decided to get married, you pay for it!

[@christinab.1039]

I'm a big fan of not going, but sending the nicest gift you can get. I've done this a few times for logistical reasons and it's gone well. You get to show people you care about them, but then you can make plans to see them when you can actually spend time with them and learn about their new lives together!

[@moni7652]

I live in the UK where my friends and family had to fly in to attend our wedding. I couldn’t afford to pay for hotels for guests but it was a small wedding of 25 people where we had open bar, lots of food and my husband and I made it explicit that no gifts were required. I can’t believe people have friends/family pay to fly out AND get them a gift?! Crazy! I also told a friend who I knew was struggling with money that I invited them as I wanted to include them but they didn’t have to attend and I would still love them and I was being 100% truthful about still loving them even if they didn’t attend.

[@balalaika852]

My friendship with my best friend has completely deteriorated because I didn't go to her wedding in Portugal. I simply had no money. I was sending money to my extended family in Ukraine, essentially to pay for smugglers to get them out of the country, had no emergency fund for myself, so was prioritising saving money that was left to build it up. A year after my friend's wedding, the friendship is all but gone, because she says she never forgave me for not going. She decided I could afford to go. To my mind, going to a wedding is not an emergency. Her family and her husband's family gave them £20K to throw a party, and I had about £1000 in my savings for the first time in my life. It goes without saying my family would not be able to help in an emergency, I was the one helping them. But, as the guest says, how much you're willing to spend on someone's wedding is seen as proof of the depth of your friendship. I didn't pass the test lol

[@BelleChanson0717]

Wedding regrets are fascinating to me. My wedding was seven years ago and I genuinely don't regret anything. I'm so happy we got married when we did; two very dear friends (including the priest who received our vows) passed away within a year of the wedding, and I'm so grateful that we had that celebration with them present. For us the focus was always on the celebration of our love and our community/family, so I think that's why I have no regrets. Every vendor was local, and several were friends, which made it all really special; everyone involved had a connection to us and it really felt like a beautiful affirmation of our place within our community.

[@carmenhampton2946]

Aww (:

[@lizgreer6888]

My husband and I got married 7 years ago and let me tell you, it was tough back then too. We had 95 guests from across the country: MA, RI, PA, NY, FL, GA, AL, IL, MO, CA, OH, MN. So the need to make a wedding that was worth the trip was intense. We ended up having the reception at an area winery and Orchard. It was beautiful, my guests had full access to the orchards, were allowed to go picking, we brought lawn games, plus music and dancing. We had an after party at the hotel and an after, after party the next afternoon. Basically it was a full weekend of fun. None of the crazy extras but it was a fun late afternoon outside. My guests loved it and they still remember it as a fun weekend

[@abrielle13]

My best friend and her husband had a combined Batchelor and Bachelorette gathering, and we just went wine tasting in Temecula. It was $34 a person! It was really nice because we got to know the rest of the party and we had fun.

[@MichaelJohnson-vi6eh]

I read lots of posts online from people who are confused about what does this mean on an invitation and what if I want to invite someone and the invite does not have a plus one. I kept thinking "who invited you to their wedding? how well do you know them? give them a call and ask them. Are people inviting complete strangers to their wedding? Wow. Chelsea got invited to the wedding of someone who was a former colleague? Wow. I find that shocking. is that more of a high class thing so that friends of friends and colleagues can meet each other and exchange business cards?

[@thatjillgirl]

People can also get a little caught up in not wanting anyone to feel left out. You start to feel like, "Well if we invite this person, we know this other person almost just as well or from the same social circle or whatever, so we have to invite them too," and it just sort of spirals from there. But I personally feel no qualms about not attending a wedding I'm invited to if I don't really know the people getting married. They're not going to miss me.

[@whenhen]

I'm planning my wedding right now, and one thing not discussed is how limited the affordable venue options are if you aren't going to have it in a park or at a religious institution. I'm fortunate to come from a wealthy background, but wanted to save money on the venue. All of the public event centers were booked up more than a year in advance, and the other venues in the general area, capable of holding 50+ people, where we will be having the wedding were charging $10,000+ USD.

[@xxxxMonkeyGirlxxxx]

There are some people who said they lied and told the venue it was a birthday party or something else and then magically the price would be slashed in half. Weddings are just an easy money grab so it’s easy to overcharge people for them.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Its somewhat common in the midwest for non profit locations to host weddings on the side. Its often cheaper weddings or a ‘rustic’ style wedding, for example girl scout camp here frequently is used or the trail and nature museum. It still has a somewhat hefty cost for renting, event insurance, staff support costs etc but it ends up typically still a chunk of change cheaper than more ‘traditional’ venues.

[@StanGeorgiana]

Here, it is almost understood that if you participate at a wedding, you "will get the money back" when you have your own -therefore it's ok to spend more. Which doesn't work if you do no plan to get married. Also it looks like in most cases you pay the same amount of cash (the required gift) if you're single or with a plus one. Idk, I feel like weddings are not the greatest thing to be part of.

[@Historyprops]

I would just run if somebody asks me and sees me as a cash machine for their overspending crap

[@hollyclark4518]

I spent so much in my twenties from being in so many weddings. When I turned 30 I set a strict budget for all weddings of $500. I haven't been in one sense; I regret nothing. And can we start referring to weddings for what they really are which is just a status symbol?!

[@1MegArbo]

How many of those marriages ended in divorce now that people are in their 30s?

[@turtleanton6539]

Yea

[@turtleanton6539]

​@@1MegArboand how many of those "friends" you keep ik tpuch with

[@alwaysemilia]

I’ve always wanted to celebrate my wedding with my whole family. My parents both have big families, and especially since they divorced when I was young, having everyone I love in one place is a dream! Now that I’m approaching 32 and am not yet engaged, it’s so hard to stomach the idea of spending $50k or some crazy number doing that. I could afford it, but I don’t want to. Thankfully it’s not a problem for today me, but I am going to very thoughtfully plan my celebration to make it affordable and comfortable for me and my guests 🎉

[@tristfall1]

I got to spend my wedding with my whole family. My wife's family and mine aren't huge, but we had ~80-90 people at our reception (way fewer at the wedding because we wanted it to be super small). But our reception was just a party at a park. I spent ~1500 dollars on food and paper plates at the grocery store, and ~1000 dollars on alcohol. Called up a bunch of friends and asked them to forgo presents and just bring their grills and be willing to take a shift at cooking and that I'd have everything set up when they got there. I think I may have spent another 500 bucks on charcoal and propane, my family and I spent the day before the wedding doing food prep. Friends showed up with a bunch of grills and smokers, and mostly we just winged it. So my point being, you can have a huge party and not completely break the bank. I ended up spending I think grand total 3200 dollars on my wedding, which is still a lot, but at the end of the day that came out to 40 bucks a person total, and we had leftover food and alcohol for days. Actually I think I still have a gallon handle of cheap vodka my brother insisted on buying that no one drank nearly 8 years out.

[@MysidianRydia]

Totally agree with @tristfall - if your #1 goal and dream is to get your whole family together and you are willing to be flexible on everything else about the wedding, it can be doable even on a small budget, but it may require some creativity and a long planning time. Public venues like local parks, state parks, rotary clubs, etc. can all be cheap venues that require little or no up front costs and may even include chairs/tables for guests. A dry wedding (or BYOB wedding) has no alcohol costs. Potlucks can be fun if your families are into it, and it helps with buffet costs. Dresses can be either already existing / repurposed, purchased at a thrift shop or rented. Having a friend volunteer to be ordained and officiate removes that cost. Planning the wedding yourself removes the cost for a wedding planner. Have crafting sessions to help craft decorations and crafting them out of cheap or reused materials helps with the decorations cost. If you keep your expectations in check, e.g. instead of "Perfect White Wedding", it's a "Fun Family Reunion Gathering with the Whole Family in which I also get married", I think that helps when you are dealing with a limited budget.

[@elliothennessy8360]

I told my dad I didn’t want to have a graduation party because it was going to be embarrassing to be at the center of attention just for finishing high school, a thing everyone I know had done. And he said “We’ve spent hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on these people’s kid’s graduations over the years, you’re having one.” he definitely didn’t want to be the one to opt out lol. But I guess it’s a little different? More like a wedding registry than a bachelor party. Because, all told, it gave me $1600 to start adulthood with ($20 from this neighbor, $50 from this grandparent, etc) and I don’t know what I would have done without it tbh. I wouldn’t have even been able to buy my books for my first semester of college.

[@focusedficus]

A graduation party sounds WAY more useful in life than a giant wedding party. And more inclusive too

[@chanelg376]

Meh I had one when I graduated high school a while back and honestly I regret having it. Really wasn’t my choice though and only a few people from my school came. If I’m being honest growing up in a middle class family where everyone passed that mark of a milestone I feel like these type of “celebrations” are kinda overrated and has lost that significance.

[@alic1977]

I truly enjoyed this episode. It was so entertaining listening to the stories and super funny.Philip is such a sweetheart. His personality is very relatable.

[@brittniep9219]

LOVE THIS! THIS is exactly why I will NOT have bridesmaids nor will have a wedding with many attendees (less than 60). Several of my friends are "low income" and I was until relatively recently (and just finished being a grad student to boot!). I also think people need to learn to say NO. As awkward and painful as that is, if you cannot afford it (financially, timewise, etc.), or you simply don't want to be involved/don't consider them a close friend, don't do it! Do yourself and the bride/groom a kindness and say no.

[@Redipstick]

I don’t understand the whole wedding culture these days. Over 50% of all marriages fail and to start any marriage with this kind of financial pressure is crazy. The stress on families, friends and the couple themselves boggles the mind. When did this happen? Why did it happen? Stop trying to impress each other and get real.

[@katarh]

It was my two oldest sister's failed marriages, and the failed marriages of two close friends, that made me choose to spend as little as possible on my wedding. Why go $10,000 in debt when there's a chance the entire thing will blow up in under two years? So my husband and I did a justice of the peace wedding, with a "reception" at a private room at our favorite Italian restaurant close to the court house. My wedding dress was actually an Easter dress - it was still white with little rhinestones, but since it wasn't marketed as a wedding dress, it didn't have associated mark ups, and it was on the clearance rack at the department store for $60 in June. We skipped wedding rings because neither of us liked wearing rings anyway. All the money that we didn't spend - $20,000 or so in our combined savings - went to a down payment on a house instead. We're still in that house, almost 14 years later.

[@LillyJeanne]

I think it's great that nobody in my circle of friends (mid-30s) got married anymore. Most people I know here (Germany) see weddings more as a tradition that belongs to our parents' and grandparents' generation and something to opt in today only if you have a strong personal connection to it. There is nothing wrong with weddings, but I don't think it's generally worth the stress and cost that come with it. So I'm happy it's gone out of fashion and I feel under no pressure whatsoever to get married. My partner and I have been happily non-married for 10 years now.

[@Uncle_Smidge]

If the U.S. didn't tie so many financial benefits to marriage, a lot of us wouldn't likely care, either. Some are driven to marry because of things like insurance, and it's awful.

[@gwendolynburns1456]

You get a lot of benefits in the US for being married... that's probably why it's still so big

[@cascadecontroller]

My sister didn't tell anyone it was a wedding beforehand. People thought they'd go to a birthday party. She's a legend.

[@areromsye]

Got married 4 years ago, 1 year into my first full-time job and my first taste of financial independence. Saved all the money within that year and made sure to not be in debt for anything. Invited people that I really wanted there and when we said we made it ours, we really did and diyed so much and really made sure to get best deals. Don't regret any of the expenses, just regret couple of organisational things (like not taking family only pictures or enough reception ones). It was amazing having those people there and some have left us so it was last opportunity to celebrate together. Spending within our means is the main reason we don't have regrets.

[@ImmaURq]

I mean, currently I’m single, but I’m convinced the best option would be to have a big dinner at my house catered by my uncle who does tacos and then just surprise everyone with a wedding dress.

[@blessedbygod3430]

GREAT IDEA!!

[@ellenmontague8425]

My partner and I got married in July 2020 over Zoom in our apartment. We were going to get married in a local park with only immediate family (16 altogether) and then go to lunch nearby, but with Covid we just did everything over Zoom. We got to get photos with our cats (our photographer was the ONLY other human present with us) and we made our own lunch the day prior because we wanted it to feel homey. Zero regrets and just over $1000 spent in total. I didn’t even buy a new dress, just wore a blue and white one I already had but had never worn (which gave us our colors so one less decision to make haha). Weddings I’ve been to are so different and unbelievable. Love y’all dishing on this!

[@Claudia-lv2pm]

That sounds nice, was the photographer $1,000 for the at home session?? Even that sounds like too much too me considering it was only one location!

[@ellenmontague8425]

@@Claudia-lv2pm no she was $500. We also got a small cake and some goodie bags for family members and such, and bought some fancy wines ☺️

[@Claudia-lv2pm]

@@ellenmontague8425 ah ok thanks for answering!

[@kelleenbrx6649]

When my fiance and I were talking with our venue we asked about that, and they will package the left over food for us to take home and put in a freezer. We also made sure to pick a place with real silverware and plates to have less waste. -I realize my privilege to afford a more sustainable wedding. I'm really glad we won't make as much waste. Luckily a lot of family are also getting married in a clump, so we're sharing decor and items across the family for each wedding.

[@d14551]

Good for you!

[@liviaclaire]

do people use plastic cutlery and plates in weddings?!

[@victoriam9242]

@@liviaclaireyes

[@liviaclaire]

​@@victoriam9242 Well then I am yet to attend such a wedding. Single use plastic is bad for the environment and it also does not seem appropriate for a formal event, such as a wedding.

[@TheCursedby1]

My funniest moment for a wedding was my wedding! Several of my husband’s family made their gift checks out to my husband and his ex girlfriend from YEARS prior to me. So right before we opened gifts they realized the mistake and ran to my husband to get the checks to correct them.

[@jae-annedanae4512]

Lol wait whaaat how did they make this error

[@nanettemorton4054]

Hilarious!

[@sunny3907]

They probably loved her more than you

[@nordette]

Thats absolutely crazy! For more than one person to do that I would think it was on purpose and I would have to seek revenge... it would probably turn into one more reason why they preferred the ex to me anyways

[@thatjillgirl]

Amen to parents taking over and making the wedding into something bigger and spendier than the couple might have chosen for themselves. My mom definitely did some of that. It drove me crazy and we had a huge fight about it after the wedding was over. If I could go back and redo it all, I don't think I would accept any money from her at all. I explicitly told her that we were not expecting any amount and we would not spend more than we could afford on our own regardless of whether she contributed, but it didn't stop her from feeling like she was entitled to a say over what "she" was paying for.

[@deveneydaniene5808]

As a bride, I really needed to hear this. I’m just under a year away from my wedding and half of my bridesmaids live a long plane ride away. I’m also feeling the early onset pressure of inviting eeevvveeerrryyyooone. I definitely want to see what I can do to help relieve the financial pressure on my wedding party and give myself and my husband some grace so we can truly enjoy our wedding and that it doesn’t become something we have to “get through”. I definitely agree to tell all my bridesmaids not to give me any money or gifts and I’m open to any cost saving suggestions.

[@ktxx22]

This might sound terrible, but if I gift at a shower I don’t gift again at the wedding. Also if I have to travel and pay$$$$ to attend a wedding I give a considerably smaller gift than if it’s local. If that makes me cheap Ohkk cool. I’ve got small children and childcare is very expensive so I do what I gotta to keep the peace.

[@threefreaksonaleash6619]

It is absurd for anyone to expect any gift of any kind for their shower or weddings, etc. most adults don’t bring a bday gift to birthday dinners for their friends, in my experience...why should weddings/showers be any different? I don’t receive or expect any gifts from my friends on my birthdays or for anything ever. Good for you.

[@cristinab2263]

I'm so happy I only had my sister and cousin as my wedding party and bought their dresses and hair/makeup. I let my friends be free to just enjoy the party. If I didn't want to be bothered with the extra parties and planning, then why should I make them suffer? I'm frugal as hell, but I'd never give up my wedding. It was a great celebration for marrying the love of my life and moving out of my parents' home.

[@stephaniesidak6635]

I 10000% want to celebrate my friends and show them love. I also 10000% resent that I’m expected to buy them new things when they’re 35 year old professionals who already have a house full of nice things. ESPECIALLY because I’m single and most likely will always be single, so I don’t have a chance of experiencing the reciprocity.

[@ericngai5811]

😊O

[@CL-rh8ti]

Chelsea’s comment on Chuck E Cheese energy was 100%. No shade to those who chose to have over the top weddings but that👏is👏it👏!

[@toin9898]

Here it's always a suburban Italian guy who sounds like a sopranos side character and it's always so cringe lmao

[@TheCursedby1]

Being from a low income background. We were very careful to not spend money on needless things for our wedding

[@choirgrrrl1257]

One of the advantages of being a hermit with few friends is that I've been invited to only a handful of weddings in my 63 years and have never been a member of the wedding party.

[@thisisyourfinalwarning]

Hear! Hear!

[@maricakez]

Ufff you should know about Mexican weddings then. There are a string of events months before the actual wedding. A ceremony for the groom to formally ask for your hand, a shower for the bride with her female relatives, a shower with just her friends, a bachelorette, a bachelor party,then finally the actual wedding. Just so wild and bizarre to me that this is still a thing. But in most cases the families (not the bride and groom necessarily) pay for all of that so it kinda makes sense. To me it sounds exhausting!

[@licoreen]

I got married 10 years after most of my peers. I had a long list of things I didn’t think were necessary for my wedding, one of which was bridesmaids and groomsmen. I still don’t understand that tradition and why it’s important to have a bunch of friends in matching clothes lined up next to you when you get married.

[@ErinGoBragh11]

So we couldn't afford an open bar (like it would have been an additional 50% of our entire budget), so we served 2 drinks per person at the table and then there was a cash bar for additional drinks. Also I have some relatives that cannot handle an open bar, I really didn't want the police to have to come to my wedding.

[@soccervolley11]

Yeah I felt the comments on cash bar here were the biggest miss of the episode. Most people I’ve seen do cash bar still did table wine and champagne or a couple drinks like you said. Limiting alcohol consumption, but allowing people to still drink keeps the party going without enabling people to get sloppy at your wedding. Knowing your guests this can definitely be the best option.

[@anniejoeable]

We're planning our wedding and I am very glad I have been hearing about Chelsea's wedding experience for awhile now. Renting a nice place for a weekend for the family to stay and having 2 smaller lunch receptions at that location with simple catering feels easy to plan. We're going to the courthouse next month with a nice dinner after with our nuclear families. There are super cute dresses that can be found online that can look amazing with affordable tailoring. I am excited rather than stresses and I want to thank Chelsea for the inspiration.

[@redhead3322]

Can we have a follow up mini podcast that’s just his curl routine? I’d join the TDF society just for that.

[@jacquelynlane7905]

My sister's wedding was very beautiful, but with a budget of about $30k, it was a challenge to accomplish everything the couple wanted. One major source of decision-making stress was my parents, who paid for the wedding. What the couple wanted and what my parents wanted was often in direct conflict. They put a budget limitation on her, but then got upset when she eliminated things that they felt were important (but she didn't). So in addition to fighting the cultural pressures for her wedding, my sister was also having to weigh our boomer parents' views of what a wedding should be. In the end, my parents raised the budget a little to get the things they wanted. My sister has a good relationship with my parents, but will never forget how strained the relationship was during the planning process. She called me crying constantly. Anyway, weddings are a tough situation as there are so many "stakeholders" and family dynamics to consider. It's not always about the larger cultural pressure to create a Pinterest-worthy wedding.

[@aisforana]

Regarding the food waste: I work at a very large convention hotel with a catering team. Unfortunately, weddings are probably among the LEAST food wasters compared to any other events. Actually come to think of it, weddings don’t produce any more waste than any other events that we hold. (In the terms of trash) That definitely doesn’t make it better. I’m just throwing this is the conversation

[@Etniesgirl56]

Speaking of playing the cards you're dealt, I work in law and all my coworkers are in law school. I was so shocked when I realized my 20-something year old coworkers all come from money. I'm preparing to go to law school & it's ridiculously expensive. This field is definitely made for rich people & I don't think they realize how lucky they are to have all that help.

[@rocklock11]

Same experience going to medical school. The whole test-prep industry designed around medical and law school admission was also eye-opening, and highly favors the wealthy.

[@ManUntdForever]

Many ppl who go into careers such as law and medicine have parents in those very same professions. So your coworkers’ parents are likely lawyers/profs/consultants/lobbyists and they’re following in their footsteps.

[@Etniesgirl56]

@@rocklock11 it's actually insane how hard they make it for poor ppl to apply. I spent $250.00 on the LSAT. That's half my weekly check. Lmao

[@rocklock11]

@@Etniesgirl56 yeah its brutal. MCAT is ~$300. Many people do test prep, ~$1500-2500. Then there are school application fees (primary and secondary in some cases), cost of traveling for interviews, etc. Total can easily be $10,000+ just to apply. Thankfully, the ROI and job security was worth it in the end (for me). Best of luck on your journey Astrotuna.

[@jenniferwells2291]

My husband will have student debt for the rest of our lives due to one year of law school. It is a rich man's game. He ended up having to switch to paralegal because more debt just couldn't happen

[@alexandracolors3971]

In my country (eastern Europe) you are supposed to straight up give an envelope with money that covers your meal at least. There are very clear expectations of exactly how much each guest should give based on the level of closeness to the bride and groom and the location of the wedding. And people will invite everyone they've been invited to or everyone that "owes"them an invitation, to make up back the money they've spent on those people in the past. It's literally just business at this point. If you're invited to someone's wedding, you or your kids (if you're already married) have to invite them to yours as well. I don't go to weddings. They're too expensive for what I plan to care about in my life and I won't have a wedding either.

[@kiterafrey]

At my cousin's wedding she sent people home with the floral center pieces and containers of food. I was eating leftover apps for a week. But my family is a mix of at the poverty line or below (aside from myself) so sharing with other family members and the church members is a huge part of our culture both in the church but also as a mixed ethnicity family.

[@jtixtlan]

Another issue for young adults invited to weddings is the amount of PTO that must use to attend these events. If somebody gets two weeks, 10 days, of PTO, they may use up more than half of it in one year to attend weddings that require travel. They may have to take some Friday and Mondays off to attend a weekend wedding away. Then they are asked to go away on excursions for the bachelorette party and the bachelor party. 3 to 5 weddings per year and you are out of PTO.

[@ashlynnabbott8771]

I actually only found you thru Jamie Wolfer, who I found because I needed to figure out how to survive creating a wedding without being a young, wealthy, or having much family support. I'm grateful for both of your guidance!

[@rokzane]

My husband and I didn't want to spend money on a wedding. We wanted to save that money for our first home. We got married at the Courthouse and had a backyard BBQ party at my parents to celebrate with family and friends. Best decision ever, and we've been msrried for 25 years on June 1.

[@thisisyourfinalwarning]

I got married late last year and we loved every moment of it and we spent $2000 (?) start to finish (clothes, shoes, rings, professional hair and makeup, gifts for our 6 guests, wedding photo albums, Minted thank you cards, etc. We went to a small wedding/elopement studio which included photos and out of town friends and family were able to Zoom in during the ceremony. My husband's family ended up picking the tab for our wedding dinner (they were the only guests) on a nice, farm to table restaurant across the wedding studio. If we had to pay for the dinner and drinks, our guesstimate would have been $2600 ish? We didn't see the tab, so I've no idea what the total was. We paid for everything in cash and our 4 guests were very happy that it was a short, no-fuss wedding with amazing food and drinks and nobody had to wear a stuffy suit (according to my in-laws). We don't regret anything and it was one of the best days of our lives. With the money we saved on our small wedding, we're planning on going on a bunch of honeymoon trips in the next 2 years all over the US and possibly in Asia ☺️. It's 100% us and that's all that matters.

[@lavendarcrash2941]

I regret how much we spent for so many reasons: 1. We took out a credit line to pay for it 2. I let the expectations of my MIL and mother drive a lot of decisions, even though we were footing the entire bill 3. Those decisions included prioritized inviting extended family who didn't even RSVP "no" over friends who would have come in a heartbeat 4. We loved our details but big things were not what we wanted because, again, we had to make choices based on family our mothers wanted there

[@jhe9488]

I guess my friend group is just way more chill than average then? I’ve been in multiple weddings and never had to do anything besides show up, and wear a dress I chose, paid for by the bride, in a color the bride chose. No one had bachelorettes, or showers we were expected to attend. I am about to get married soon - local venue, no bridal party, no shower, no bachelorette, no gifts. And edited to add - most of us are fairly well off, as we all grew up fairly privileged and are a bit older and established in our careers. We all just think it’s dumb to spend a lot of PTO and money on some of these wedding related activities-we get together and blow our PTO and money on activities that we actually all want to do together.

[@AyH25]

Let’s stop saying that getting married later in life means that you have more money. Money does not come with age. Normalize still struggling financially after age 30. I’ll be 40 when I’m at the level of purchasing power that my dad had at 25.

[@carlosandmuriel]

I am so grateful and blessed to have friends who are generally thoughtful, mindful and respectful when it comes to what we as individuals can do or not do when it comes to weddings. One of my best friends was married in 2022 and she really was intentional about making sure, as a her bride squad, we didn't over extend ourselves for the wedding and I so appreciate and love her for that. We had the most amazing journey together and it's simply because the woman wanted to be a WIFE.....more than she wanted to FLEX for people who didn't matter like that. My suggestion for anyone being asked to be apart of someone's wedding is to be real about what you can do and if you know the person getting married has expectations you know your wallet can't meet, do yourself a favor and graciously decline.

[@torycook1215]

You are right on about the cost of weddings and the cost of attending weddings. But actually, leftover food is often taken home by the staff.

[@TheRealE.B.]

Checks are the best gifts. We spent about $100 per guest, but that included non-marginal costs. Our plates of food were less than $20.

[@couberry4513]

Well, that is wasteful on the bride, groom, wedding planner, whoever's side. With my wedding, we asked ahead of time if we could get leftovers packaged either for our guests or for us if the guests didn't want it. Had frozen maggianos ravioli for almost a month of lunches! Brought the containers for them, they put it in a cooler till we were ready to leave. We took it all home, tossed it in the deep freeze and fed out of town guests leftovers for at least 1 meal for the next week as well.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

December arrives and I curse most wedding related content because marriage equality isn’t a thing yet for some of us and also late stage capitalism in cahoots with organised religion.

[@xcala3038]

Awesome. You hit all of the marks. Bravo.

[@coachkrish]

Eloped in Puerto Rico! Spent money on the trip and really high quality video/photos. Wouldn't change anything about it! We bought a house during our engagement and wanted to use our extra money on improvement projects. We still received wonder gifts for our home after we shared our video

[@AntoinetteD]

This is partly why we didn't have bridesmaids or groomsmen. I hated being a bridesmaid and didn't see the point of the expense for anyone.

[@michalpitowsky]

My husband is a musician and used to work in a wedding band. He saw almost every wedding venue in our contry (Israel, small place). Anyway, he hates weddings and can't see anything charming about them after seeing so many of them. And I can barly plan a picnic. Both are families are huge and if we envited just the ones we are close to, it would be a 300 ppl wedding. So we flew to New York and got married in the city hall. No party, no pain. It was awsome.

[@christinagombar2622]

It started with Princess Diana. In the 70s, minimalist, hippie-ish weddings were the fashion. Then the big pouffey dresses and the tragic idea of being Princess for a day, instead of facing the frankly frightening responsibility of living up to those vows. Attendees should be there for moral support, not to empty their pockets. The more elaborate the wedding, the more likely it will dissolve. As for distance, I side with Larry David: "If you have to drive more than two hours, no present. If you have to fly, don't go."

[@emmajoseph2603]

As I’m getting married next year I’m now obsessed with this kind of content. My partner and I are trying to keep are wedding small (has been inflated by parental expectations despite them paying nothing towards it) I have been so stressed trying to stop other peoples opinions taking over! It’s ridiculous. I’m pretty chill, I’m not wanting to put awful expectations of my bridal party- they are my closest friends why would I want them to struggle financially to be in my wedding. I bought their dresses and they were allowed to choose them. They can pick their shoes. We don’t want gifts just the presence of our loved ones at our wedding. We don’t want insane hens and stags. Maybe I’m horrible but I have told friends before that their hen dos are out of my budget or even that I just refuse to spend an amount on a hen. Surely it should be about spending time with important people not showing off.

[@mimizetulfifi]

There is nothing wrong with an MC at weddings. In Romania all wedding have MC-s because that is the person that keeps the event going. There are a lot of moments and rituals in a wedding that need coordinating. The MC does that. The one single wedding I went to that did not have an MC, I had no idea what was going on the entire time. Plus an MC takes a lot of pressure from the bride and groom on that day, so that they are not bothered with questions. Here in Romania, the profession of wedding MC is even passed down in the family from father to son in some cases.

[@lafillenoir]

From an Irish perspective in my friend groups, those in long term relationships are prioritising a house deposit over a wedding. Though the cost of both increases year on year. I'm 34 and have been to 6 weddings total ( 2 in Ireland, 1 in Germany, 2 in UK and 1 in US). I've been single (on a modest income) for all but 1 of these. I've had work colleagues go to 4-5 a YEAR. You can't be that friendly with that many people, a lot of this showing off is for klout but then the stag/hen weekends are turning into 3 day weekends in a hotel and associated activities. Ridiculous!

[@mamimelusine]

I agree that with a destination wedding the presence is a gift. But I also like to have the option of a registry when I get an invitation to a destination wedding. Cause the fact is if I don’t have the money and it’s not a place I already wanted to travel then I’m not going to come. But if I don’t make it I will send you a nice gift.

[@allanmartinez7535]

Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser, i wasn't going to let my marriage of 18years crash.

[@allanmartinez7535]

@abigailprewitt6388 well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer.

[@afreaknamedallie1707]

That is toxic advice and literally how people get murdered. Divorce is always an option based on safety and personal morals. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to want to stick it out. But don't force others to live your misery.

[@montagnarde1794]

Re: registries... I didn't want to have one, but some people apparently get offended if you propose that they contribute for a honeymoon or something and really want to give a physical gift. We were afraid that if we didn't have a registry, people would just buy us things we already have and that we would have to return. We have things in all price ranges though and honestly, we don't expect someone who has had to spend a lot of money to get to the wedding to so much as offer us a hand-towel.

[@tatymac21]

Commenting about the friend tax… I subconsciously stopped wanting friends/nurturing friendships around late 20s bc I am also self employed and it would just be completely out of my budget to celebrate these milestones. Life is expensive, having friends on top of it- forget about it. I have dogs instead- still an expense but the reward is constant- they’re the best

[@d14551]

What's going on, that if people are getting married later (and I don't doubt that) and so are presumably more experienced about life in general, why they are not applying some common sense to their weddings. Are folks in their late twenties and thirties really still as vulnerable to peer pressure as teenagers?

[@jae-annedanae4512]

I’ve always agreed on Chelsea’s point about cash bars. At the very least I think people could cover a certain amount for the alcohol and allow anything above that the be cash, that way everyone can get a drink or two.

[@ang5035]

I haven’t been to many weddings but I have been to any expensive weddings like destination weddings etc. mine was a backyard wedding and I love it. I feel like expensive weddings are for certain types of people (like waspy people) or people who aspire to be waspy.

[@casebycase_904]

I once broke off a marriage as we couldn't agree on how we will spend our money. The wedding venue, who and how to get a place of our own, how to go about our jobs after marriage and etc., Still the most unpleasant memory of mine, but after a couple of years passed, I realized it was due to our class/ socio-economic differences. Fyi, I am a South Korean living in Seoul. Our marriage culture is so different and it can get so toxic.

[@alannaalbritton381]

I work in the wedding industry and I agree with so many things you said. I believe brides and grooms should have the honest conversation with themselves. Do I really want this?

[@loranoodle]

My parents put me off a wedding almost immediately when they started to tell me who I had to invite, none of whom were anyone I wanted to invite. They had a longer list than me. Immediate joy kill.

[@kzisnbkosplay3346]

A big gender difference I have noticed is that often, the bridesmaids are expected to buy a dress, but the groomsmen get to rent a tux. This can also go for the bride vs. Groom

[@lanceparrish6453]

I grew up in a well off household, my parents paid for my schooling, and right out of college I started making over 6 figures, the triple combo of unrelatability. I'm aware of this, and never assume that other's have had similar advantages or experiences, but because everyone else in my position is hamming it up cosplaying as a middle class everyman people think I'm bragging when I actually answer the "That must pay pretty well" remark by saying that it does, and is the reason I can afford the things I have. I'm not trying to rub it in everyone's faces, but until people realize the rich people they know actually did start life with a stacked hand the world isn't going to make much sense for them.

[@ManUntdForever]

Don’t be ashamed of answering the way you do; ppl shouldn’t be commenting on others’ financial situations in the first place. Your answer just highlights how inappropriate their comments are.

[@amberadams9310]

My aunt actually cried at the cost and fit of her bridesmaid dress for my uncle’s wedding. It was $400 in 1997, and it was a velvet that didn’t move when she moved. She was a teacher, and so was the bride… but my aunt by marriage had parents that were probably funding a lot, and she’d already been planning and getting stuff before she even met my uncle.

[@alicemerray]

I am militantly of the opinion that if you want to have very specific requirements for your wedding - such as it taking place "abroad" from where you habitually live (I'm in the UK, so I'm thinking of a wedding or even a stag/hen do in a European city, or a wedding on a Caribbean beach), or if you want all the guests to wear a certain colour THEN YOU SHOULD PAY FOR THAT. Of course most people couldn't begin to afford to do so, and they should have to cut their coat according to their cloth. We have built up this idea of the fantasy wedding & of anything the couple wants being OK, but it's just completely toxic. I also think it doesn't do anything to mitigate the feeling afterwards of "let down" when the actual marriage can't live up to that one ridiculous day.

[@CaraMarie13]

I am so glad i couldn't relate less to this. Like i don't understand why people spend so much money to entertain other people on a day that is supposed to be about you. Like imagine having to pay for years for your family and friends to get drunk?

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Only a complete dumbbell, would go into debt for a wedding.

[@Barnacl3_Boi]

I love this guest, I'm British too and cozzie livs has hit us hard! Pls bring him back in the future! :)

[@alejandramoreno6625]

Why are weddings such a big thing in the US and UK? I just informed my fiancé that we do not do stag/hen dos in México. It's a tacky people thing, the same as having a huge entourage of bridesmaids and groomsmen. More traditional weddings can last 3 days, but usually they are collectively organised and paid for. It is also quite acceptable to only have a civil wedding and a reception. I've only been to 2 weddings in the past 10 years, none involved a church.

[@ang5035]

I was gonna say it’s a “white” people thing. I live in the US and I have never been to those expensive weddings.

[@alejandramoreno6625]

​@@ang5035 You are probably right. It's main character syndrome.

[@RuRaynor]

I'm getting married this year. It's a very last minute thing; we got engaged in November and will be married in April, don't want to hang about. What has shocked me is how expensive in the UK even the base level legal stuff is for the actual ceremony. Giving notice (an action you have to do before marriage here) is a £70 appointment plus the cost of a passport photo for each of us as he is not a UK citizen. The registrar coming to our venue to legally wed costs £935, and then the venue cost on top of this was £2,750 for 2 hours rental. So just the legal ceremony is costing us £3,755. I did not realise that renting a small small venue (we are getting married in the Fitzrovia Chapel, a non-consecrated chapel with a tiny capacity) would cost so much. We're having a home garden party as the reception, and our total budget is £15,000. We looked at just a registry office wedding but all the reports I read were so in and out in 10 minutes, and my best friend is coming over from Germany so I wanted to have a little longer ceremony.

[@sankimalu]

I always tell my friends when they are pruning their guest lists to leave me off and not worry about me taking offense or withholding my gift. Inevitably, they always include me, but my offer is always genuine.

[@mariajoseramirez8569]

I love weddings and I absolutely loved every minute about my own. We did have a somewhat elaborate wedding but don't regret what we spent on it except for our wedding stylist, our wedding coordinators from our venue were so amazing that they did all the styling, making our stylist redundant. We paid for all our wedding party members outfits. My bridesmaids could wear what ever floor length dress in Navy and once they chose, I'd buy and send to alterations if required. Also paid for all their makeup and hair, I don't think it's fair to make people pay for your wedding.

[@renatagp7570]

In México it's normal that guest take the florar arrangements home. In fact there is constant jokes about it whenever there is a wedding or a big event: who in the table is taking the arragement lol I like your points through this episode but in general the tone felt too mean or annoyed by other people's choises. I will never understand this idea of "if I don't go, the friendship is over". Its ok if you can't make it, chill.

[@cara1michele]

Loved this episode. I got married last year and found myself resonating with so much of this. I had no bridal party and paid for 100% of my bachelorette party because I didn’t want my friends to have to pay anything, especially after being a bridesmaid to a total bridezilla. I’m not close with my family and paid for our wedding in full but my boomer mother was aghast when she wasn’t involved in the flower and alcohol choices. The entitlement of mothers in this process was my biggest surprise for sure.

[@PleasantRevolt]

I’m so sick of hearing about how rich and privileged some people are in this country, when I am paycheck to paycheck working full time while putting things like gasoline, bread, and milk on a credit card. Getting extremely frustrated when asking for a fair wage/ record company profits/ new building construction but we “can’t afford it”. I’m tired and resentful, and I know I am not the only one.

[@amylizbrarian]

A lot of “we’re just venmo-ing each other that same $20” energy here 😂 but as a perpetually single person, I also want to point out that (on top of the struggle of trying to live with 1 income) it adds a bit of insult to injury to pay for all of these things when you know you may not ever have a wedding, bachelorette party, bridal shower, baby shower, etc. (ALSO true for people who just don’t want to get married/have kids). I am so happy to celebrate a friend’s love story, and to buy cute stuff for their baby, and to generally support them - but it can be bittersweet (they’re often moving into a different life stage and we may have less in common/grow apart a bit) & just plain bitter (let’s buy you expensive dishes while i’m still eating off of the cheap set from college that’s now missing several crucial pieces).

[@Sturgeonsurgeon740]

Yep, spent $2k being in my best friend's wedding and her bachelorette trip to Las Vegas. I hated the guy and she complained that he was threatening divorce left and right after they got married. I asked her to please not tell me anything negative about him or their relationship, since I spent the last 8 years telling her to dump him and just spent $2k for her to not dump him. As a single person, I'm actually disgusted.

[@alizackrone2995]

So glad we both agreed to elope and throw a party afterwards. Everyone i talk to regrets how much money they spent on their wedding.