Avoidant Attachment: P*rn Addiction & Unmet Needs

[@Locut0s]

Even if not addicted I feel like porn and or erotica in general in a broader context, makes it so easy for us avoidants to stay out of relationships. It's a poor substitute for intimacy and of course there's a whole host of other issues but it is definitely something us avoidants use as a comfort tool to try to get needs met without risking being actually vulnerable in a relationship.

[@Locut0s]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n that is sad to hear. I would like to say I hope that would not be me. I feel like I crave intimacy but it’s difficult to know how I would actually show up in a relationship. As an FA so far I’ve been too scared to actually get into a relationship most of the time. I tend to back out as soon as intimacy develops only after 3 or 4 dates. But I feel like intimacy, physical intimacy especially,is exactly the thing I want. Sadly growing up I was pretty touch starved as a child so it could be that my body and nervous system doesn’t really know how to handle it despite craving it. I’ve used porn outside of relationships as I describe as a substitute for intimacy because loneliness and lack of closeness is difficult to handle.

[@raisingarrows127_4]

My husband destroyed our marriage with porn. He's avoidant. His porn made me feel uncomfortable so it was hard to be intimate with him knowing he's cheating on the internet.

[@Lacuna1122]

​@raisingarrows127_4 porn isn't cheating, it's also not classified as an addiction

[@PaigeYesLee]

This is very informative and appreciated. I’d like for you to take this one further and talk about why the performers do that as a living. I’ve seen documentaries and statistics of the trauma they, unfortunately, experienced that led them to that lifestyle. In addition to drug and/or alcohol addiction. Thanks!

[@AliValentine143]

The addictions or "dysfunctional coping skill", or some other word that won't shame or shut DA's off from learning about themselves is such an important topic! Thank ypu PDS❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome ❤

[@amandaharris7205]

Counterdependence - He could meet his own sexual needs without me 😔

[@AliValentine143]

6 years worth for me. I'm completely unneeded and it makes me feel unwanted.

[@Lord_of_Dread]

@@AliValentine143 You're looking at it the wrong way. If he is able to get enough 'food' to not be hungry, then you just need to find which foods he fucking loves above all others and serve that food. Men get used to dealing with their own needs because men are often single for long periods, so we have to. But if you take the time to learn what his favourite foods are, he will almost definitely prefer that. I know for me, in the past, my ex was not interested in letting me have almost anything I told her that I was really into because she got super insecure about everything, and only really cared about me on a surface level, so ofc I was always going to be more fulfilled going elsewhere where the food was served to my tastes, and porn served that need. Porn addiction is a result of unmet needs and a desire for judgement free fun/relaxation, just as thais says.

[@alexandres3621]

@@Lord_of_Dread That's terrible advice.

[@theexotic2983]

​@@Lord_of_Dreadthank you. That was absolutely helpful and beneficial advice

[@roshalllambert]

I love how you explained the root cause of addiction!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@EllaTay-m3f]

Question for Thais and/or the community: What do you do when you see that a loved one is, for example, picking fights to try and get a rise as a form of connection? Obviously, you do not want to meet that need by the expression they're on a surface level asking for (joining in on the fight) but not responding in any way can only agitate them further as they try and push you to crack to get that rise. How do you show them your unresponsiveness is not a lack of wanting to need their meets (how it maybe feels), but that you'd like to do it in a healthier way?

[@pumpkinspiceeee_]

Is sending a voice memo to a person with an avoidant style dramatic & too much?? I’m always finding methods to communicate & resolve issues & for It to be received in the way I’m intending it to be but it seems it gets misunderstood or that it’s never the right time to bring it up or that it results in an extreme result like sweeping It under the rug, walking away, kicking me out or breaking up

[@blueaqua2122]

I know what that's like. It's so frustrating and dejecting.

[@pumpkinspiceeee_]

@@blueaqua2122 yes It Is. what sucks is we’re typically the ones hurt by their actions yet we’re still the ones trying to do the conflict resolution by making the efforts , trying to communicate , researching new ways , methods , love languages , attachment styles, psychological stuff , childhood stuff . you name it! and if we react poorly bcus of our own unmet needs then that gets used as a reason to why they don’t communicate to us like what?? - It seems like no matter what , everything seems to not achieve the desired result which is truth , love & conflict resolution. Instead it results in being told we’re bringing drama (even though they created the drama) , abandonment , rejection , distance , or as If you’re bothering the person with an issue they created. & then In order to avoid those outcomes , you start to silent your own self , sweep things under the rug , keep the peace , etc. so not fair.

[@pumpkinspiceeee_]

@@blueaqua2122he doesn’t want to talk about It. but I do. now what…

[@wf4983]

Woahhhh. I read this and instantly wanted to reassure you. I know how this is. There's nothing you can do (no voicemail or anything) that would provoke a reaction as described. You don't have to load the weight of the world (and also not the weightof the relationship) onto your shoulders. Their reaction is not up to you. You don't have to make it perfect for them. They can do their share. You're cared for, too. Just protect your inner child from too much heavy lifting.

[@ArifToro]

Oh my god wow who are you? Lol I can relate to this to the very detail especially in relations to my relationship with my mother, I never thought anyone would ever be able to understand me or relate to me so I just deal with it in my own sort of way. Lol reading your comments made me think wtf who is this lol are you my soulmate or what lol

[@tucky3191]

Thank you so much for this ❤️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Is this something you have struggled with? Let us know in th comments ❤

[@AliValentine143]

Of course, anyone can choose any bad habit to self-soothe, or avoid, but I'm interested in hearing the differences in reasons you've observed. Root cause is such an important element for changing any habits. I've found FA and DA like escapism such as work or alcohol. AP seems to be a love or sex addict, perhaps gambling for the external experience and how a big win could benefit their loved ones. DA prefers the porn, PMO, lust, and limerance because it means escapism while also meeting own needs and being self-focused, alone. The "healthier" for Avoidants is video games or TV but those of us still unhealed sure push the limits on how many hours of each could be considered healthy.

[@megameg4]

Hey, Thais! Did you misspeak at 6:15 or did you really mean that SA people REALLY struggle with PA the most of all attachment styles?? That would be so surprising to me, I absolutely assumed that the order would be DA/FA/AP/SA…or at least that DA would take the lead! I’ve had the year from hell after my husband (FA/DA) confessed that he kept his severe PA from me for our ten year relationship, and went beyond typical attachment behaviors and was abusive to me in order to hide it and cope with his feelings about it. Now I’m (FA/AP) struggling with my own addiction troubles that developed as a result of my inability to cope with the loss and devastation I felt/feel. But I’m working on it, just really still feeling lost about my relationship and future…

[@_IslaNearly]

I don’t think understanding /curiosity helps you. Unless you are his mother. Its not worth it. They will continuously disregard people around them who trying to get in the way between them and their addiction. Save yourself, let them do the healing by themselves. Its not worth your time and energy. I swear.

[@Mandaxolove]

Wow fr tho

[@gturphne5062]

I totally have felt like its not worth it...the pain, 😢

[@craigculford4963]

Why did I pay for a lifetime all access pass, but I get three emails a week to buy access to a training course?

[@wf4983]

What you're speaking about must be the training to become a couselor. This is a next level step and separate as I understand. I myself am still working on myself. There are about 50 courses to do that.

[@craigculford4963]

@@wf4983 I have a PDS all access pass, and get three PDS emails per week to buy that course. And more emails to pay for her book.

[@craigculford4963]

@@wf4983 I just don't want to be on a spam email list because I paid for a lifetime all access pass.

[@scott.ballard]

I'm in the same position and have asked the PDS team to separate out the emails for those of us who paid for lifetime memberships. I don't want to receive marketing emails all the time

[@Whatevermancer]

You haven't unsubscribed from the mailing list, you're a click away

[@santinaespinosa5985]

I ask him his needs, and he won't tell me, i give up

[@carolinestanton47]

I have struggled with this ediction for so many years! When this movie found me, I realized that the LORD wants me to seek the help that I need to break this severe and significant issue. Please send me your thoughts and prayers as I attempt to break this transgenerational trauma that I have in my lie.

[@bookeratkins8134]

OMG SAME!!! Wow this comment is so real to my life! I feel so seen when you mention the transgenerational trauma because my daddy and mommy struggle with this issue and have transferred the trauma to me. Please pray for me and I will pray to the LORD for you!!!!

[@jaredvaughan1665]

Porn is evil

[@karenKristal]

I'd be interested to know how many secure people have porn addiction

[@crazymusicman13]

I think thais misspoke. She also said securely attached have a lot of trauma, which is probably not the case

[@AliValentine143]

Secure people are more connected therefore less addiction, bad habits can pop up at times for anyone but being in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery groups it sounds like so many of the PAs are DA and FA while Partners are AP and some FAs. 😢 Awful dynamic.

[@Agoodname4u]

Yes, that was incredibly confusing. Pretty certain that was an error that should have been clarified or edited out. 🧐

[@Alixir1228]

I assume sexting (sending and receiving naked videos) is categorized underneath this? Because that's the type of cheating my ex did. And he effortlessly lied about it until I looked through his FB account.

[@alllscination]

I was just wondering about the same thing.... But I guess pictures and videos sent privately qualify as porn just the same.

[@alllscination]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n I was wondering not because of infidelity but if sending videos and pictures feeds into the porn addiction when done with an addicted partner. I think it does since it allows for the bypassing of vulnerability and letting go of control and dealing with self worth issues just like any other porn.

[@Alixir1228]

​@@alllscinationyes but it's also interaction, so it's a deeper level of it as well. But I think you're right.

[@Alixir1228]

​@@imm0rtalitypassi0nI definitely count it as infidelity as well. Whether it's forgivable or not, I'm unsure. Physical definitely would never be forgiven...

[@mannymadeanewaccount]

I’ve lost so much. So much. One day at a time.

[@aamacphisto]

What about FA and addiction to sex while in break up?

[@AliValentine143]

Is it an addiction? I did go into a physical only uhhh "entanglement" after my break up with DA but also hadn't been physically touched by my DA-ex in THIRTEEN MONTHS. I was looking for validation, company, the avoidant side of my FA wanted to forget the absolutely soul-crushing break up. Soon afterwards I started introverting again because I knew I wasn't healed enough to be open to anything with anyone. I'm glad I did because I eventually found Attachment Theory and feel empowered to have a great relationship with self and eventually others.

[@aamacphisto]

@@AliValentine143? And after how many months this “introverting” started?

[@rachelmel]

Huge error in this video. She accidentally says secure individuals in relationships struggle with porn addiction the most but what she meant was the least.

[@gturphne5062]

Though so too

[@janikakis]

6:09 why do securely attached people struggle with this addiction the most?

[@sasb3675]

Yea I was wondering if this mistakenly said instead of the least because I don’t quite understand why that would be?

[@NT-qd2rs]

I think she meant the opposite

[@crazymusicman13]

I think thais misspoke, as she also said securely attached folks struggle with a lot of trauma which is the opposite of what I'd expect

[@you-vi2tm]

Yea she meant they struggle with it the least

[@jaredvaughan1665]

I find anxious types as into pornography as avoidants. But for different reasons. But I may be wrong.

[@AliValentine143]

As in APs or FAs?

[@jaredvaughan1665]

@@AliValentine143 both

[@sifublack192]

Interesting...🤔🤔🤔

[@RIdeWithCore1]

I don't think we really want the porn. We want the feeling porn gives us.

[@michellestevens7647]

Novelty used 5 times when it was a noun in Dictionary now being used as an adjective.????🧐😶🤨

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

Sexaholics Anonymous, Dr. Rob Weiss For Partners: APSATS, Dr. Omar Minwalla, Betrayal Trauma Recovery

[@AliValentine143]

Important resources for the Partners! Dr. Doug Weiss the other Weiss explains Intimacy Anorexia in DAs so well.

[@jlsantoscananao]

Netflix are worst