Why the Dismissive Avoidant is Passive Aggressive. Understanding Why May Save Your Relationship!

[@robbi2696]

Shouldn't it be part of someone's growth to learn about their own patterns? Why should anyone give so much thought to one who is unwilling to recognize they need to work on themselves too? I mean, DA attachment is interesting from a psychological point of view, but I think that cooperation and hard work in a relationship should always be mutual!

[@e.p3509]

I'm reading a book on it; the issue is that they're prompt to deny it as part of the emotional repressive pattern. By acknoledging to it they most likely feel unable to overcome it and then the anxiety-depressive reaction gets triggered.

[@robbi2696]

@@e.p3509 I've just come out from such a relationship. that's why I feel certain patterns will continually repeat however nice, welcoming, willing to listen one can be unless the person with DA is willing to admit there is a degree of emotional dysfunctionality also from their part.

[@onewiththeuniverse1283]

@@robbi2696 I'm having the same experience and I have to agree with what you said.

[@howtosober]

Agreed. Understanding why DAs are passive aggressive (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and deactivating behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@e.p3509 ooh what book? I told my DA boyfriend about attachment styles and it gave him so much anxiety he asked for a break the next day.

[@jonsmith8083]

Anyone that doesn’t love to be cuddled is fucked up period

[@paniq_fnite]

Lol. #Deepthoughts

[@Emily-bm9xj]

Thanks so much for your incredible videos! What I learned in my relationship with a DA is actually that "I statements" are not as universal and effective as promoted in different therapeutic/self-help/pop psychology communities, and that these statements as seeds for change can only sprout on some types of soil, and not others. I really struggled (I'm not assertive enough) to communicate my needs and feelings clearly and used "I statements" in a very formulaic way to try to model and normalize this for our communication, and saw that even though these types of communication models may be effective and respectful with most socially well-adjusted people, they would not work with him. He would shut down and look at me blankly and silently and offered no response and quietly disengaged and exited the conversation/physical space and was not capable of engaging in any conversation or discussion about understanding or resolving issues. I suppose he is hypersensitive to criticism and even though I would torture myself to word everything as gently and kindly as possible, it would not get through to him. I really tried so many approaches to bring up, discuss and resolve issues, and nothing worked, he always silently walked out the back door.

[@inzhuna]

Hi I know you commented this a whole year ago, but is it okay to ask what happened then? Did you find a better way? Or did you end the relationship?

[@Emily-bm9xj]

@@inzhuna Sure, thanks for your curiosity and interest. It was really, really difficult. In all honesty, I never succeeded in communicating my feelings/upset without him stonewalling or shutting down. I invested so much energy, daily and hourly in trying to refine and improve my process, attempting to hit the sweet spot that would work for him in terms of addressing and communicating about behavior I found to be unacceptable. The only moments of success seemed to be when he would sometimes observe himself saying or doing the things that he said, and would slide back and retreat in some sort of shame (with no apology or redress) but would himself recognize the issues without me having to say anything. He would sometimes have a dog with his tail between his legs vibe after that and then I'd have to give him reassurance to make him communicative at all again, which ended up further burying and distracting from the problems. Things superficially felt like they worked if we had more theoretical or philosophical conversations about behavior and ethics, and then I would feel a wave of (empty) reassurance that he was a sensitive and thoughtful person, but sadly in practice he couldn't apply these positions, thoughts and perspectives in everyday life to real interactions with his words and behavior.

[@inzhuna]

@@Emily-bm9xj thank you for replying. It seems like this has been very painful for you, and you've done so much emotional work. I hope you're in a better, safer place now. I really empathise with what you're describing.

[@Emily-bm9xj]

The relationship ended on a strange note, also in an avoidant and indirect way. I used to seek redress and balance for always having to be the one to chase him down, and not knowing when he would reach out or respond to me. It was this awful feeling of being on standby (that I'm sure many people on here know) when they don't know whether they'll hear a response in hours, days or weeks. It's an awful state of hyper-vigilance or semi-vigilence to live in, to not know what is actually going on or to have clarity about the situation at hand. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you need this clarity and stability, it is a healthy human thing. For your own sanity and betterment, always pursue that and don't waste time in a murky zone. There was a moment when I was sharing my need for us to communicate at least once a month, and he basically said he didn't want to have to follow any timeframes or plans, and he'll just speak when he wants to (I guess this is so typical, sadly) and I slowly, painfully started to accept that this isn't a real relationship with any real commitment or stake in it and he doesn't actually care, as the communications slowly then just dripped like a leaky faucet, down to a silent nothing without a real end or official breakup.

[@Emily-bm9xj]

@@inzhuna I wish you well and hope that you're not going through a similar situation. If so, I would say this person needs to convey and commit to addressing the issues, acknowledge the difference in communication/personal/cognitive styles and work together to find something that works. I'm also seeing someone new who is so supportive, communicative, clear, stable and sensible, while so affectionate and free to speak about emotions and the reality of how they perceive things and working together to find solutions. I honestly didn't think it was possible when I was in my fever dreams of dysfunction, but yes, there are nice and well-adjusted people out there that will listen, commit and work with you. It feels strange and alien seeing how easy it can actually be, it's quite an adjustment. It is good to recognize and analyze the internal state the people around you create within you, and take a look at whether their presence is healing or detrimental for you at this moment.

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Sadly, finished up with my da today. She is intelligent witty vivacious beautiful feminine sexy and lots lots more. However she has been wrecking my head for over a year. I have not been able to come to terms. Because I love her so much I want more intimacy and connection but it is not there. An element of toxicity has entered the relationship. I told her that I had to leave and cut ALL communication because it hurts so much not being able to have her. Having somewhat of an anxious attachment Style overlaid on what I am confident is a basically secure attachment Style, getting to the bottom of her issues will take a lifetime and a lot of passive aggressive behaviour and animosity will have to be insured. Sadly I cut my losses. He is so wonderful and beautiful in a million different ways BUT...

[@andrewboyddotcom]

She is So wonderful and beautiful in a million different ways BUT...

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Did you ever move on?

[@tinkingtinking2134]

Anyone I'm around that acts toxic I relate it to my own upbringing, my mum and my dad are both toxic. You can put any label you want on it, if your feeling like you pulling hens teeth, not good enough, not worthy then that's a red flag that you will never, ever reach the bars they set because as soon as you think you've reached it, they will raise it.

[@howtosober]

Understanding why DAs are passive aggressive (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and deactivating behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.

[@steveebear5774]

Thank u girl u have helped me so much things are still rough for my girlfriend but its gave me the strength to learn more n be a better suport

[@nicolekeane981]

People have to be careful here because dismissive avoidant/passive aggressive behavior are hallmarks of narcissism... do not stay in Abusive relationships, telling yourself your partner is just “dismissive avoidant”

[@hashtagmate]

Nicole Keane i had a narcissistic boyfriend who was abusive and they are not at all like dismissive avoidants. They are a lot more similar to anxious attachment style people, they always want 100% of your attention and always want to be "the center" of your worl and control you. Dismissive avoidants want the opposite.

[@jessicamessica2271]

@@hashtagmate depends. There's a new type called the neglectful narcissist

[@asiminakaramixou9191]

@@jessicamessica2271 Precisely. My ex was a neglectful narcissist and yes he couldn't care less for me.I existed for him only when he wanted something.

[@maytsehay7924]

Thank you for putting what I feel into words! I thought I was crazy for experiencing this phenomenon.

[@BlaqueCzar]

You always seem to be reading me. This will help quite a bit. I can't afford the programs but these free videos are a boon.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

This video is so on-target for me. I am beginning to see how my parents modeled the dismissive avoidant style for their four children. As the youngest, i have really had it drilled into me my entire life. Our dad seemed like a man of stone. He almost never revealed any feelings, but when he did, you could sense a deep unexpressed hurt about an accumulation of percieved slights that seemed to ha e been festering inside of him in the darkness. Outwqrdly he was dismissive of any emotional talk as being irrational. As he got older, in his 70s, he became more and more witndrawn, and my mother would sometimes act las his spokesman. Looking back, i have a feeling that the festering unexpressed emotions became very difficult for him, such that he may have been afraid that if he began to speak, he might lose control of it all and seem foolish or even insane, which is exactly the way he trained us to be. This emotionalmrepression is an act of passive agression qnd dismissiveness against one's own self. I definetely do not want to follow in his footsteps. The ironic, Aha! moral of this story is that the Man Of Stone was actually afraid of what he was dismissing,. While he acted strong by turning away from emotions, the repressed feelings drained his ability to live effectively. He definitely missed a chance to equip his children wit emotional intelligence. (though he did teach us many useful things.). To be fair. I think he learned all of this from his father, and was doing the best that he could.

[@jaquelinespinal1263]

This helped me understand my partner I haven’t spoken to him for 3 months because I got tired of his silent treatment and because being dismissive . He never says I like be you and whenever I ask him why he seems uncomfortable with expressing himself. So dismissive avoidents not say “ I love you “ to their partners of 7 years? He doesn’t like getting into emotional convos ever .

[@BlaqueCzar]

He may have aspergers. I am familiar with it.those things take so much effort but they can be learned with repetition. If that's the case its not that he doesn't feel them he can't process how to express the feelings.

[@justiceforhumanity6566]

@@BlaqueCzar while asperger's is that, I know many DA's who act like her statement. It is part of being a DA.

[@justiceforhumanity6566]

This is common for a DA. I spent 10 years with this abuse. Run...don't walk. They never change and they are rotten to be with if they refuse therapy.

[@achannelforschool]

You're a blessing! The explained steps and the example at how to input them at the end was extremely helpful!!!!

[@blackjay5338]

I'm not by a journal so I'm going to write down what I've learned for myself as a DA. Recognition is very important to me, and when I feel unrecognized I get very offended and often angry. This can bring out my passive aggressiveness sometimes. This happens in all sorts of situations. Work, family, friends, etc. I'm soft spoken and I often feel I'm being talked over and not heard. Are DAs often soft spoken? I feel like this might be a common personality trait, but not sure...

[@e.p3509]

I'm not sure, but actually I've noticed people just tend to ignore shy people when attemting to get involved into the conversation. This may also be impacted by our body language which is that of sb who tries to get unnoticed most of the time and we get used to those bdy language patterns

[@sarahstevenson8155]

This is a good question. My ex was a super big, strong guy but talked so quiet I could barely hear him sometimes. Other times he was almost manic and fiery with his speech, but the majority of the time, especially around new people it was like a whisper. I had to speak louder *for him* sometimes and he appreciated that. He said his Mom never did that for him. He grew up in a house with a huge brother and Dad who are super fiery, jovial and louder like me. I think he never felt heard or understood in the family as the youngest too. By the end of our relationship, he was just speaking in pure passive aggression and I had no clue how to speak directly or indirectly to him without him shutting down and stonewalling.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

@blackjay, I feel the same way about being disregarded -- or dismissed -- and to me, it is down to being the youngest in my family and the pattern of my contributions and feelings being disregarded in almost every discussion. This is how I leaar ed to be dismissive avoida t myself. I'm only now figuring this out at 62.

[@Goteiii]

I get myself feeling angry a lot. Over many things. I am in touch with my emotions more than ever, but instead of expressing them to other people I channel them to other things I do. For example, I feel angry, disappointed, frustrated a lot, for various reasons that I have learned to recognize. Instead of expressing these emotions, I channel them in other activities like working out, working, playing video games etc. They help me become more aggressive / focused / energetic since I am naturally very calm. And all that extra energy I get from negative emotions is something that I have taken a liking to. I don't know if that's good or bad though. Cause I've caught myself wanting to feel anger, frustration or even hatred. Is that even normal?

[@Goteiii]

After having worked cudstomer service for about a year I know that negative emotions is something that you want out of your chest asap. Complaining out loud about things that bother you while rationalizing at the same time is my go to method. It sounds whiny but it's the best way of moving past negative shit and continue to do your job without having this lingering unease of repressed emotions dragging you down. Expressing your feelings without being hostile is probably the best.

[@Kareena1988]

@@Goteiii so you talk to yourself during customer service or how?

[@remasteredretropcgames3312]

Im 31, and when undertaking psychedelics I feel immense rage. I was raised in an emotionally neglectful household and its influenced my entire life up till this point, and opened me up to all sorts of insidious abuse that society has rendered taboo, and so I have a lot of very reasonable, anger is insufficient a word to describe. I cant even feel sadness. Its almost pure rage. Its almost entirely the only emotion I feel having been harassed to the point of developing for some time PTSD, in a world that when I confronted the source of this, I was considered a danger to myself, a felony offense considering I practice nutrition and have done so since I was 19. The betrayal and abuse and complete and utter lack of intimacy for years has me hitting a sort of evolutionary circuit that basically was insurance of replication that holds synonymous with primitive man, who when ones needs werent met, were forcibly achieved, even if by fantasy alone. I also recently discovered after a year or more of sleep deprivation the cause. Partially a genetic origin, which lends to heightened cortisol output which in itself is a double edged sword, and mold exposure. Extremely high levels of it. Despite my chelative background even as a hobbyist, this sort of sabotage had derailed all my efforts at self betterment down to my otherwise religious work out and caloric intake schedule, to learning required skills for a real career. At first it was mercury exposure, then forced medication under pain of the crazy card, despite this being intellectually completely false, to now sleep deprivation and mold. Despite the medicalized uncertainty about cellular senescence induced lipofuscal overruns intra and extracellularly, the amyloid deposits are actually dissolvable, of course with extreme sulphuric measures complimented a slew of remineralization approach and senolytics. In essence what this sort of treatment has done to me, is it made me overly metabolically neuronally dense in the left hemisphere. The proof without an MRI, is the punched in the eye swelling of my leftwards optic nerve as the general concoction of cellular metabolic wastes and metal ions shuttled locally through my blood stream past the blood brain barrier. Im almost pure intellect, and near zilch emotion. Its a fucking curse, and I despise it because it clearly robbed me of otherwise pineal so dare I say, extrasensory capacity which provably exists, and by the basis of jungian collective unconscious meets james little lie about the flynn effect behalf quantum rememberance the human superorganism. It sounds like BS, but its generally speaking over the heads of the average american sensibility, let alone education considering its not something they teach in university. My bachlers of science in psychology, is basically worthless by comparison of what ive learned by the merits of my own innate curiosity. Part of this is due the fact my phenotype, produces a disproportionate amount of beta androstenol which has the effect of making mundacity, exceedingly boresome. In fact a great deal of the medical communities expertise is highly questionable but im running the risk of writing out a short novel, so ill leave that to imagination.

[@remasteredretropcgames3312]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/pHbRnJ-ufKagl80 @ 48:25-48:42 The only reason I havent pressed charges is because it was my family. They are classic narcissists. I have every right to hate their fucking guts.

[@remasteredretropcgames3312]

My suspicion is that psychedelics are illegal isnt due the concerns timmy might jump out the 20th story window, but because they diminish the earning power of the psychiatric and psychological professions which my caliber of understanding and empathy had led me away from this field as a sort of monetary empowerment. Thats because im fully aware a grand sum of it, is a complete scam. Do you really think seasonal affective disorder is a disorder? Its adaptive. When you reduce your dopamine output, you get SAD because of an epigenetic photoperiod based recalibration of metabolism favoring efficiency. Its a slow drip sort of hibernative northern latitude evolutionary response. I use to work at a psych clinic. Our PHD was literally afraid to converse with me for a reason. They are overpaid idiots.

[@remasteredretropcgames3312]

Your description is classic. Of course if you cant sense on that fabric of reality, and society collectively dismisses this caste as existent, and fully embraces the silencing mechanisms of, youre nuts, it makes you easy to manipulate using what you originally thought was your own emotions. Its subtle, but societally allowed child abuse. It opened me up to all kinds of fuckery, and I have every right to be absolutely enraged by it, because no one for many years bothered to help me with it because its the sacred cow, or the covert tyrannous hand of vampyric dominance. It explains a lot of aberrant criminal activity that in my view at least to some unknown statistic was made possible by the powerlessness one feels in the presence of such a colossal silent treatment standardized by an apathetic social order. I can really identify with that sort of true to life victimization because ive experienced it. I however was fortunate enough to reverse my hippocampal dwarfism that comes about from this sort of clandestine abuse, using adult stem cell progenitors. I resent the fact im now 31 and ive never had a loyal relationship my entire life, and absolutely fucking hate that other people who have done almost nothing to improve their lives consciously in general have it much better than myself, a person who has spent more money than you can imagine trying to improve my health. Im no danger to myself, but I dare anyone to claim that I am because thanks to stanford, and my bipedal librarian status well of knowledge for nutrition to claim otherwise, ill fucking slaughter you in court. It still deeply pisses me off that I received no compensation for all those years of suffering. The crime had no fingerprints, no physical evidence, none accountable. I dont even think ive had sex in five years time, and if wilhelm reich has anything to write about that, its a contributing factor to whats eating me inside as a high testosterone endocrinologically restabilizing human being treated as if im of no value because im instantly perceived as beta because im unable to comprehend that level of awareness we simply dont talk about. What I get is the mechanical, emotionless, pointlessness passing as human intimacy. My maslowian foundations have long been bullshit, and my health insurance doesnt cover psychological services. Its self evident im of sound mind. Anger is an appropriate response to being harmed by the malfeasance of an invisible proxy, yet all my life ive been told my emotions are repressable. Thats exactly what happened, so its a crime, not a disease. I want fucking justice.

[@e_b_]

Your channel has helped understand these things a lot. Thank you! I'm going to check out your courses 🙏♥️

[@hashtagmate]

I am not passive aggressive, i am quite active aggressive 😂😂 like i got a problem i tell you, let's work it out let's not sit on a problem. And yes i am DA i am just a good communicator, i learned that

[@kailikesspamming]

Same here, but unfortunately I have no clue how to sugarcoat it, so people get all up in their feels instead of just taking it for it is

[@austinnguyen9107]

@@kailikesspamming Communicating without considering how the other would receive is at least better than just stonewalling, but still not ideal. FA myself and I know DA's are hyper-sensitive to criticism and take it to heart, so if anything, they would react the worst to bluntness

[@kailikesspamming]

@@austinnguyen9107 Yeah, this was awhile ago and I'm glad to say I've gotten much better on this. If healing was possible for me, I'm pretty damn sure almost everyone can do it

[@austinnguyen9107]

@@kailikesspamming that's awesome to hear! Always refreshing to hear from DA's that are willing to do the work

[@mamudualfredo2779]

I really love your work. I don't know if you've done a video on a combination of being an anxious attachment and fearful avoidant. I think I am a combination of both and how can I deal with having both elements in me.

[@noemijoan6119]

mamudu alfredo i was thinking this too! Good question

[@ShadowsMasquerade]

I never understood this. Fearful avoidant is a combination of anxious and avoidant. So it doesn't make sense to be a a combination of anxious and fearful, since fearful is already partly anxious. However, there are gradations.... you can be more anxious in certain dynamics vs more avoidant on others, and yet more secure around some people. Even dismissive avoidants will be anxious at times, depending on how they're triggered. But I don't think you can be a combination of two separate styles at the core, unless you are fearful avoidant which by default is a combination. I think people will lean more towards one type of attachment.e.g. just because you're more anxious in one relationship doesn't change your fearful avoidant style and avoidant tendencies, it just means you haven't been triggered into deactivating yet. All styles have different core wounds, causes, and motivations. Someone chime in on this.

[@sarahqureshi9406]

I wish I had your videos before my divorce happened

[@camovo89]

Your videos are amazing I just caught myself feeling a type of way and I was able to step back and assess what I was actually feeling and ask myself is this true though? Been watching for a few weeks I love the content granted this is the first time I’ve been able to step outside and see it but it’s definitely a step in the write direction

[@four-x-trading5606]

I have to work with someone like this it's really annoying because we are the only two that work with each other at night so I have to deal with the BS 5 days a week really considering another job when I call them out on something they work a plan to get me back later ... So really considering a new job cause nothing seems to work and every time I come in to have a good day I have to deal with this crap it's like what's the use? They just have hate toward me for literally no reason they don't do this with many others as I see o well I guess just can't get along with everyone but sucks that I have to quit my job over it when I'm not the problem

[@Makor1966]

There is an little echo in your sound. Makes it a bit hard to hear what you say sometimes. Maybe you can turn of the sound for the speakers when you record your session.

[@purplemoose6431]

Excellent video. 100% relatable

[@hashtagmate]

You know who's really passive aggressive? My anxious partner good god he never talks about problems he has with my behaviour because he's so scared of losing me

[@Kevdo92]

I was the anxious partner in my previous relationship and I have to admit that I was very much passive aggressive in a lot of ways. It was often related to the fact that I felt like I was giving so much to the other person, but they couldn't meet me on the same level. Instead of openly expressing my frustrations, and realizing that my expectations were unrealistic, I would lash out in passive aggressive ways. It would then become an even bigger argument once I dug myself into that hole even deeper. I always used to recognize this about myself during the relationship, but I could never self soothe for long or bring down my expectations for my partner. I was upset because I never felt she would do enough for me. I wanted her to read my mind and just know what was wrong. I know this is crazy and irrational, but I am saying this so you can learn to sympathize with your partner if you really want to make it work. The passive aggressive nature isn't coming from a place of hate, just misunderstanding. You'll need to help your partner understand this about himself and help soothe him where you can. Make him feel safe in expressing frustrations and allow him to put himself in your shoes when you talk about why you feel the way you do. I regret a lot of the stupid and immature things I did to my previous partner, but her dismissive avoidant tendencies used to trigger my anxiousness a lot. In the end, we act this way because we're afraid to lose you, because we deeply care about you. It's not ok for us to do it, but help us see that and I promise you we can work on it. I just wish I'd been able to do all of this before I lost her.

[@hashtagmate]

Kevin i really appreciate your explanation but the big difference is: you are aware of these things, and try to work on them. My boyfriend very much still thinks he is the "normal" one in the relationship and doesn't see that he's overly anxious. It's sad but I am slowly starting to feel like I don't want to work on these things anymore... I kind of am losing hope I guess it would be better for me to be single and he could be happier with a securely attached girl... I don't know if a relationship between a DA and an anxious can really truly be a happy relationship.

[@Kevdo92]

@@hashtagmate I wish KZbin would notify me on replies, for some reason it doesn't. Anyways, I typed out this super long response and I need to rewrite it because my point was confusing I think. What I'm trying to say is that all relationships are hard, not just AA+DA ones. It's up to you and your partner to decide if you guys want to make this work, but just know that this isn't impossible. My ex DA tried so many times to communicate these things with me before breaking up, about my passive aggressiveness, her need for space, and all these other little complexities with the AA+DA dynamic. It wasn't until she broke up with me that I truly started to think about these things in an honest way. That's when I really started digging deep into myself and all the ways I mistreated her. Before the break up, I could only think about the ways SHE was failing the relationship. When we were together, I did find out about attachment theory and I tried to talk her into watching some of these videos with me, but she wasn't all that interested. Even though I know I did a lot of things to treat her in pretty shitty ways, she did her fair share of things too, but she didn't want to invest the time into picking this dynamic apart. It's definitely something BOTH partners have to work on. You are already here, watching these videos and growing from them so good on you, but now it's time to bring your partner to the table too. If they don't want to, then that answers that question for you. Both of you need to work on this together or it will not work. It's possible that breaking up with your partner will cause them to go through the same things I did, where they begin to question themselves and truly dig deep to redefine the stories they have told themselves for so long... but it's also possible your partner just thinks you're an asshole for breaking up with them. Either way, the outcome kinda works out, I guess? Personally, I wish you didn't have to break up with your partner, and that you two could discuss things honestly and openly and make it work. But people are complicated creatures and agreeing to do that is tough shit. Best of luck to you my friend. Fucking godspeed to us all.

[@Kevdo92]

@@hashtagmate The other thing this whole response I wrote to you got me thinking about is who should be the one to reach out? On the one hand, my ex DA broke up with me. She was the one to decide it was too much work at that point. So she should be the one to reach out after deciding that maybe this was worth working on after all, right? Yet on the other hand, I was the one that fucked up initially. She already tried working it out, talking with me and it just wasn't working. So should I be the one to reach out and say hey, you know what? I was an asshole and I'm sorry I failed our relationship. I don't know... things are confusing. Maybe I'll just be a single hermit for the rest of my life in the mountains lmao.

[@rickki6]

@@Kevdo92 how are you now?

[@morvenmacleod9559]

This is so helpful. Thank you.

[@freeyourdreama7822]

How do you connect when there is conflict with a dismissive avoidant ?

[@hashtagmate]

Free Your Dream Project withdraw and give space- they will come to you once they don't feel threatened or trapped

[@gurlonice8013]

@@hashtagmate yeah... i did... still wait . Silent for 10 days. I ended the convo by not responding anymore idk if this was a good thing

[@hashtagmate]

@@gurlonice8013 oh no that doesn't sound so good... with me that usually works that's why I wanted to suggest it, I'm sorry it didn't work for you :/ then maybe they have other problems, not only the attachment style... just think about if you really want a partner who is like that, as much as it might pain you 😕

[@kusumlata1390]

@@hashtagmate This doesn't help in the long-term.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Mine asked for a break. I waited 31 days and then asked if they meant a break up.. silence… a week later I asked to meet to exchange belongings and they did. Basically a slow fade breakup - no form of conflict resolution.

[@theooogirl3495]

So does anyone know here in the comments how to let their partner know they may be-or are a dismissive avoidant without offending them? Is this even a good idea ? My boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant and wont open up to me its like pushing water uphill with a broom to have him even have a conversation with me and look me in the eyes. He never gives me his full attention...i want to let him know that i may have information that could help our relationship, and his relationship to himself.. but i dont want to push him away even more or make him feel like im prying for emotional information...

[@sittowardi6781]

The ooo Girl move on. Seriously you are setting yourself up for exquisite pain trying to love this type of person. Why when there are so many other more healthy and emotionally available partners that can enhance your life and make you feel loved.

[@theooogirl3495]

@@sittowardi6781 true, we have a child together i feel like thats insentive to stay and make it work, along with the fact that ive invested a lot of my life and time literally building a house and to have all those things stripped away from me is devistating..but i see your point im really wondering if the will to actually change is there and if thats even an option.

[@theooogirl3495]

@@sittowardi6781 are they even capable of committment and change?

[@stephanielundicarney4492]

The ooo Girl Idk if you’ve already done so, but watch Thais’ other video on her channel. I think it’s called The Dismissive Avoidant’s Idea of A Healthy Relationship or something like that. It was posted 9 months ago. In my opinion, it’s the only thing that can get a DA to consider that they have this attachment style because it paints the DA in a very good light, not demonizing them for how they are and gets viewers to better understand them, which is what they really want deep down. My husband is a textbook DA and I think this is the ONLY content I can present to him without him shutting down and feel attacked. Going to try it soon 😅

[@itsaplantlife9850]

If there is a willingness to change it's the most minor steps, and if it's like my dude, he won't even keep it up if I'm not hooting and hollering praises from that point on. It's pointless. I'm 5 years in with a child too, but cohabitating, it's now like roommates that share a kid. I can't put anymore into him; I need that energy for myself and our daughter. So 5 years in, living together for 4 because prego really early in, he's retirement planning and his speak is still not "us", "we", or asking what I want in that time. I swear he will be in phone all day, that most days have no touch until he reaches for my hand in bed. It's exhausting and lonely for a secure style partner. I have no clue how any others deal with these unattached, emotionally, conversationally unavailable partners. But because any talk turns into him fighting me, when he sits by me after our child is in bed, he's on his phone so I'll play these descriptive videos with sound reasonably on so he can hear. He most often leaves during.

[@bekindbitch2312]

Wow, I feel like shit now😞

[@Heidys_autodetail]

The sound quality is a little bad. Maybe you’ll have more views when you fix your audio in your videos. The videos are sooo good and sound my deter people away.

[@ajmosutra7667]

Wow. Youre GOOD.!

[@Honeykissedstudio]

Do you think a person can go from being secure attachment to a dismissive avoidant after being cheated on? Can that change your attachment style? This was a debate in my psych class. Would love your take on it.

[@traditionalfood367]

Desirée P : The answer is in the vids on the DA, especially the aetiology.

[@nosiphomtshali851]

I think it can be. I had a secure attachment style and later on in my life I moved and lived with an emotionally abusive/negligent family and that completely changed my style to avoidant. I think something as emotionally violent like cheating can definitely change your style.

[@lelafite1797]

Traditional Food l

[@roshalllambert]

Can be definitely possible

[@pixxie__]

Could change you to fearful avoidant. Not sure about dismissive tho

[@jasminelanders3177]

Do you have a video on dismissive avoidant personalities and narcissist in a relationship?

[@jenniferclarke900]

Can you be different attachment styles depending on the attachment style of your partner? With an avoidant I seem.to be anxiously attached but with a secure or anxious I'm avoidant lol does this happen?

[@traditionalfood367]

Jennifer Clarke : This question reveals you've yet to listen to the videos on the different types of Avoidants.

[@jenniferclarke900]

@@traditionalfood367 no I haven't...i only just started looking into attachment styles...

[@dr.dermixgirlmd7479]

Jennifer Clarke- you are most likely *fearful avoidant.* If you watch those videos she talks about how this manifests as either anxious or avoidant depending on their partner’s attachment style.

[@user-rc1my2xc3s]

That sounds like you are a fearful avoidant

[@mikey8834]

How can I get my dismissive avoidant girlfriend back being an anxious attachment style myself when she deleted me from her phone and everything else. We had a 4 year relationship.

[@avinmcnew7548]

What is the general rule? For whom? It's amazing she knows so much about this subject. I am not sure if this is purposely being put on my home page or what. I have a hard time listening to someone that has no idea of what everyone is individually like . It's called stigmatism. In Wich is a general rule ,don't ever claim you have the empathy nor the experience to be teaching this kind of thing .

[@christina334]

Fantastic

[@natashamishra2233]

You so cute and radiant in this video...beautiful

[@natashamishra2233]

look*