How a Dismissive Avoidant Responds to Jealousy in a Relationship & What to Do!

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How a Dismissive Avoidant Responds to Jealousy in a Relationship & What to Do!
- What is jealousy made up of?
- Jealousy for the dismissive avoidant
- How to create wholeness and release jealousy
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Thank you for watching!

[@Higher-Veda]

Simba agrees that there's no justification for making someone feel jealousy. 💯

[@cherisew]

That’s funny, I feel like the dismissive avoidant is trying to make me ( AP) jealous on purpose.

[@afriek4379]

Could be. To create distance. The book 'Attached' writes about that as a strategy.

[@lmart16]

The DA I dated was very upset when he found out that I was with someone else (after he specifically stated that I was not his gf). He refused to commit, so I started to date someone else and he threw a fit. Apparently, commitment or exclusivity and monogamy are not the same thing to him. No wonder why he has relationship issues.

[@elaineypainey]

Yes parenting stuff would be amazing Thais! (I don’t even have kids I don’t know why I’m so excited 😆)

[@mismiserables]

This is definitely how I react to being jealous. I realize when I do actually say something about it/ make my needs known and the issue is handled then I completely forget about it.

[@SkyePhoenix]

The DA that I'm dealing with says he's not a jealous person, but I know that's not true. He may not express jealousy overtly... and he may not admit to feeling jealous, but I know that he doesn't want anyone else to have me. What really sucks is that he doesn't want to put in any effort to keep me or make any kind of commitment to me. Even knowing this, it's hard to let him go and move on. I know nothing will change for me until I make the needed changes within myself. I'm just not sure of how to do that.

[@TonyIgnatova]

I'm a DA with a sibling close in age. I get EXTREMELY jealous but NEVER show it to the person. I can later come up to the "third wheel" person to pick a bone with them over my SO, but I never bring up jealousy with SO themselves.

[@veritasagent7727]

I’m a DA and just now realizing it in part due to your videos. I’m currently in a relationship with a great woman, but left a great woman due to my unknown tendencies at the time and am now experiencing massive regret and a swell of other emotions about that past relationship and have entered a significant depression. Now knowing what I have to work on, my current relationship feels doomed and I’m trying to keep a positive attitude while I figure out ways to work on this. She’s already nervous about it knowing I’m a DA. What a mess.

[@SK-no2pp]

You can always heal your attachment style. A lot of subconsciously happens from childhood wounding. There’s a list of resources on KZbin and therapies you can immerse yourself into. Don’t self sabotage, you have the ability to have a happy loving relationship.

[@donna2693]

The fact you awknowledge it and are on here TRYING to get knowledge on it puts you way ahead of many others who are D.A....your girlfriend should be really proud and encouraging you for the fact you're trying to learn about it so you can try preventing the same issues occuring....that is a huge bonus that many don't do so well done xo

[@purplemidnight1571]

You can do this! I'm so happy to hear DAs try to heal their attachment..I think because they tend to be the last ones to admit they have some healing to do. You may have let go of a great woman but you can improve and do better with this one. Don't give up! 😊

[@Kevdo92]

Keep on working brother, and you can accomplish a lot. Work with your current partner and don't be afraid to involve them in this process. They will be more than happy to help you and be a part of this with you. There's a lot to learn, but try your best to acknowledge your "auto-pilot" feelings when they come up and take control. Don't let the subconscious auto pilot you into disaster!

[@suzukme]

Veritas Agent, can I ask you, what prompted you to look into if you were a DA? And how would you suggest a woman broach that topic with her bf who definitely is DA but is unaware?

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

I'm the youngest of 4 boys, the 3rd born is four years older than me, and I'm definitely NOT the exception to the rule! When I was 16 and totally infatuated with my first gf, she spotted her ex, and couldn't introduce us quickly enough - to make him jealous. I shook his hand and tried to engage in regular conversation, exactly as I would anyone else - the only awkwardness about the situation being her behaviour. Afterwards, I told her not to ever do anything like that again! Any time I have stumbled upon anything to do with jealousy, I have thought about that situation. I just lose attraction and take a step back. A genuine turn off. If friends try to discuss how to make a partner jealous, I tell them that the topic makes me feel like I'm in kindergarten. NOT INTERESTED!

[@juliepetkovska520]

I agree with you, being a DA myself. Using jealousy to further attach is not going to make me stay, alarm bells and makes me distance alot quicker.

[@tashawilliams8093]

@@juliepetkovska520 Exactly.

[@lukethompson5558]

I’m an FA, and I can say that I’ll never ask my partner directly for validation, because validation that must be solicited can never be trusted, and also I don’t want to act needy. I can cut and run, or make my partner jealous, or do some other protest behavior. If I purposefully try to make my partner jealous, it’s usually because I’ve felt a combination of BOTH a lack of validation, AND that my partner has been hanging around people who have a less than 100% positive opinion of me, and I feel the need to show them people who they admire, who think I’m amazing This is because there have been plenty of experiences in my past where several people who all had a 99% positive opinion of me, all start talking about me behind my back, and all of them come out with a much more negative opinion of me, so I’m very paranoid if my partner is hanging around with people who don’t have a 100% favorable opinion of me. I’m actually NOT trying to make them jealous, as much as showing them that other people (whom they admire), look up to me, and like me.

[@sara_sofia_1984]

What about when you communicate clearly and directly with your DA and they just say "I can't do it" "I don't want to do it" "I feel paralysed to do it"? That's what happened to me... His trauma was so big that he didn't feel safe responding to my needs... Is there anything one can do in a situation like that? I ended up leaving because I couldn't stand my needs not being met so much, but I still think about him everyday and I'm grieving... :(

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

It's hard to say without being more specific. But the word "paralysed" caught my attention - as well as the general tone of your message. I think Thais said a lot of DA's are stuck in the freeze response. I certainly am. I will say that "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker is the best book I have found. It's well worth buying. I think everyone should read it! Here's a link to it being read on KZbin for free. She does pronounce a few words wrong, but I still listen to it often. kzbin.info/aero/PLTye1II_3proV5LpizXCJU_8WLT6SnUGA

[@mochipurrez3767]

please please PLEASE do more vids on Dissmissive Avoidants ....how THEY experience stages of breakup. (espec if you, the Dumpee, give the NO Contact) ....if they were the DUMPER.....and when the Dumper DA comes back..... Thank Thais! I love your videos!!!

[@tulip5210]

Mochi Purrez she actually has a video on this! I think the video is called dismissive avoidant in no contact

[@lisbeth4you]

It’s simple, they don’t suffer in a breakup and they won’t come back, you can just no contact all you want, sit and wait forever. 🙂☺️

[@mochipurrez3767]

@@lisbeth4you not necessarily true...my DA ex has been back before and i know others as DA dumpers AND dumpees who have come back....prob is it is a constant rollercoaster of repititve behavior.....

[@lisbeth4you]

Mochi Purrez good! Lucky you 👍

[@canm7157]

@@lisbeth4you They get desperate and miss the bonding they had before since it is unconsciously their desire to have one. Not that simple Lisbeth, study more, instead of spreading wrong knowledge.

[@USSJ2Otaku3084]

I'm a Secure Attachment (taken many tests on multiple occasions) with Dismissive Avoidant (my 2nd attachment). There was a situation a bit while ago where one tried to make me jealous. I will disconnect from the situation and that person will lose my interest completely. Then I just watch them making a fool of themselves. It's a huge turn-off for me 😒😶. There's individuals whom will try to make someone jealous on purpose and that to me speaks louder than words 🤔. So I would ignore the situation. This is usually how I respond to jealousy tries to crawl up; I squash it instantly and turn on some music. Jealousy, to me, usually in some sense means insecurities and/or desiring for attention; the same applies to mind games. If one is truly interested into another and both feelings and trust are mutual, no doubts, foundation is (assuming, what you think to be) solid, so why try to trigger another through jealousy 🤔? It absolutely makes no sense; I honestly don't get it.

[@viviancardenas5032]

This is super helpful. It's really giving me some clarity on certain situations and reactions I've gotten. I'm glad to be able to learn more and more how to be a better friend to people.

[@nikkileones5254]

Im dating an AD and he loves to make me jealous with other girls and i hate it cause i know he is doing it on purpose.

[@HadashiMartialArts]

The scripts would be so welcome. Thank you!

[@vodkaandlime]

Yes, please do videos on the parenting side. I'd love to know what I can do (when I have kids) to ensure they have a secure attachment.

[@SkyePhoenix]

Just the fact that you're interested and aware of the importance of this... makes you a good parent.

[@transformingtraumatips]

Yes, please do a video on how to help kids heal from attachment wounds. I work with kids in foster care and I need to teach their caregivers how to be parent them effectively to help them heal. A lot of these kids are being adopted or have been adopted. Thank you!

[@CristinaaaMx]

Thais, please talk about how DAs make us feel with their actions. So they can see its a reality and not just us. And how we can work together on healing. Thank you so much.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Yeah Thais, us DA's would love to improve.... Oh, and while your at it, there's a very persistent rumour in the comments section that DA's make secure people anxious, but only wonderful things come from AA - Secure relationships. Please help us all improve! Thank you so much Thais!

[@martinrehout9121]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 I can attest that as a fairly secure person now, AA can drive me bananas when they're engaging in unhealthy emotional dumping, violating boundaries or being overall very in-congruent with their actions and words. While a part of me is like 'oh wow that's almost adorable' because that behavior is comparable to a little child kind of innocently rubbing others the wrong way as they are very rooted in their feminine energy, it is not very fulfilling to date a little child.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Does this video cut it for ya? kzbin.info/www/bejne/gnuso2iehrxqgsk

[@CristinaaaMx]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 thank u! I had watch it before. I just think it could be done in a new version and with even more information. Blessings

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@CristinaaaMx what additional information would you like to see?

[@brittanyengelmann4478]

I'm AA and my ex was DA. He had recently been very vulnerable. A loved one of mine had recently been diagnosed with cancer (I was emotionally inconsistent). I have a history of trauma from men and don't like being approached without my consent by men who have sexual intentions. The Monday before he broke it off, I was approached by a man and I felt uncomfortable. I saw my ex not too long there after and told him about it. I laughed about it. The next day he brought it up and was frustrated, telling me that he's told me in the past not to bring up when guys hit on me. He broke it off that Friday. In my mind, I'm thinking why did I do that? I know he doesn't like it, and I love this man, I would never want to make him jealous or feel like I'd leave him for another man. Looking back I realize that's how I've always coped with that type of a situation. I laugh and make fun in the situation, because I'm scared and uncomfortable. He had been withdrawing once he became vulnerable and me having a hard time with the cancer. Monday was the last straw. I care for this man so much. :(

[@verosaenz75]

Yessss the conscious parenting is something I would be soooo interested in....

[@jdprettynails]

The DA I’m with gets jealous of me (or the idea of me) spending time without him. I’m a very anxiously attached person and get jealous of him easily. I only spend time with others as a way to cope with him pushing me away. Then he gets jealous and pushes me away more. If he’s so jealous and wants me…why push me away?

[@mnnew6772]

Wow that’s me. I left a 7 year relationship finally for good over my x saying he had someone stalk him and leave a note on his car. No questions asked I was out of there that feeling was intolerable for me. Yes I had a younger brother of 3 years and have high fear of being replaced.

[@SkyePhoenix]

Me too and there are 4 years between me and my closest younger brother who is also my narcissistic mother's golden child. I was her scapegoat.

[@TatiTalks]

Thais, could you talk a bit about familiarity and its place in attraction/attachment? Specifically in the case of the FA. It feels like there’s a block for me when it comes to exploring new connections/building new attachments.

[@AudreyLynn17]

Any parenting help would be wonderful!

[@Chicochick111]

Where are the scripts located within the courses or on the website?? Scripts are absolutely the best tools!! We need examples of what to say and what not to say. I’m a partner of a DA. Need help with communication tools.

[@TimothyJohnsonYouTube]

Yep that's me

[@samanthasaville3035]

I would love to see more on parenting so your kids are more secure and also reparenting! Also, I am almost an even mix of anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidant, and dismissive avoidant with anxious preoccupied ahead by only 4% and I was wondering if you could do more videos on those that have mixed attachment styles

[@purplemidnight1571]

Yes parenting please! I try to apply what I've learned over these last few months to my parenting. I wish I would have known all this sooner! I fear my 8 year old child is fa like me... Is it even possible to know at that age?

[@colleen6987]

I would love to have a course for my teenage boys

[@TJ-nq5nt]

What to do and not to do .

[@anothercat9600]

Me sending music link with male artist who happens to be good looking, the DA guy will automatically send link with french female lightly dressed artist. I don't think he is aware of acting like this.

[@youtubetherapist4777]

But he broke up with me 2 months ago...but he still expresses his jealousy if i talk to someone what does that mean ?

[@SkyePhoenix]

That sounds more like possiveness than jealousy. There is a difference.

[@rosdelc]

2:44

[@tominthetux]

So do we just go no contact with the DA and hope they contact us? Or do we reach out to them?

[@SkyePhoenix]

I've tried both tactics and nothing seems to work in the long run. I'd like to hear a professional opinion on this, though.

[@donkndave7811]

I hope my DA ex gets jealous. VERY jealous.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Well...I suppose I cannot blame a person for the way that they feel. Your feelings are what they are. Great that you know what you feel. However, I think that some kind of acknowledgement of what this "hope" says about YOU, along with some kind of sign that you aim to do better, might go a long way towards demonstrating that you're actually learning something here!

[@jaydee8697]

Yes yes yes parenting classes

[@cellbiologyshorts9105]

What can a DA do if they know their partner had a well endowed ex?

[@user-es5gx2di7h]

Start 2:35

[@bradleywiskowski8516]

Does anybody else see a correlation between dismissive avoidants & covert narcissism?

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Yes, i think so! Do you see any correlation between AA/FA and narcissism? kzbin.info/www/bejne/oKbdhmaOecefj7M

[@purplemidnight1571]

I get what you mean I used to research if my da was a covert narcissist before I learned about attachment. Thank goodness for attachment theory and knowing anyone can become secure. For aa and fa I see some narcissistic traits too but for fa I see more borderline- I'm fa and in my 20s i wondered if I was slightly borderline

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Oh yeah .. it’s so scary at times observing my DA bc he exhibits traits of an ex i dated that had BPD ! It’s all about the detached emotional state they stay in .

[@resueah7257]

Yes and no. Thais has a good video on these differences now which I've been meaning to watch again [oh my bad I see it was linked above]. I'm FA, so naturally dating (actually trying again) with a (thankfully, growing) DA and got out of a long-term relationship with a covert narc just over a year ago. I used to think my DA was a narc before I dated my ex.. Both will make you feel diminished and unseen/unheard, but the DA might actually hear you and pretend otherwise whereas the narc will not. Usually a good sign of being with a narc or a bad sign of any relationship is when you feel a need to record the conversations so that the other can hear themselves, or even you can hear yourself because they will make you doubt. DA's make you doubt and can gaslight but don't seem to have this reality-denying effect as far as my experience goes. Both can be controlling and manipulative, egoistic, but they just feel very, very different. Perhaps there's a fear and genuine heart which can be sensed to DA's much more easily. Narcs of course would have to have that wayyyy deep down, but there's a pretty serious wall before getting there.. like reality-shattering serious; narcs always feel very 'ready' for anything you might have to offer (I've dated two cause I know how to pick 'em). DA's just can't handle your approaches. It's kinda the difference between a hungry, large wildcat and a potentially scrappy, potentially loving neighbourhood tomcat who shows up in your backyard every now and then. I would also like to add that I think covert narcs, narcs in general, come in all shapes and sizes along the attachment spectrum.

[@SkyePhoenix]

@@purplemidnight1571 I used to think the DA that I was dealing with might be a narcissist. I have experience in being in relationships with narcissists. Then I realized that I do feel connected to him sometimes, and I can see emotion in his eyes. With a narcissist, I've never had that experience.

[@AbyssalTenacity]

lol hi doggo :)

[@-alfeim2919]

My Scorpio moon be really ruining everything that gets in jealousy way, it's really such a harmful emotions, and it's quite possessed as well. It's good to train yourself to know your worth and your seat on the life of your partner, without getting the jealous through the way

[@aurinkobay7118]

I have moon in sco + combusted. If someone tries to get me feel jelousy like flirting with opp sex,I leave... block and gone.