The Anxious Preoccupied & Dismissive Avoidant Attraction - What Draws You In | Anxious Avoidant Trap

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Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course)
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In this video, I talk about what draws the anxious preoccupied attachment styles to dismissive avoidants.
What traits described here have you encountered when dating a dismissive avoidant, are you still drawn to those traits?
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@SpecialAngelArtDolls]

This just described a whole almost thirteen-year relationship. So much of it didn't show until the last few years but ultimately destroyed us. In training myself to match his avoidant tendencies to spare myself out-of-control anxiety literally all the time, my attachment style changed too. I identify more with anxious-avoidant/disorganized now. Right now I don't see myself riding that crazy roller coaster ever again... loving someone is just not worth being hurt this much, over and over and over again. But I want to heal anyway, just for myself, because somewhere in this mess, that self still exists, and she's joyful and vibrant and worth the effort. This channel is so helpful. Thank you for providing actual deep information, not just quick pick-me-ups or little nuggets. Those things have their place too, but I am truly grateful for what you do and will check out some of your courses when I've finished what I'm currently working on.

[@phizzy123]

i would love a video for the reverse, what attracts dismissive avoidant to anxiously attached people in general. i really don’t understand why or how most of them are attracted to anybody.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

They are attracted to people like myself because we people please, cater to, and go out of our way to make them feel the longing theyve always had having been neglected as children. However, what they crave for is what they also fear. They are starved for intimacy and love, so when its present, it makes them run the other way, not knowing how to deal with it when they do finally get it. During childhood, they had to self soothe, find ways and means to flourish and thrive in solitude and independence so this is what made them cope and feel safe. Being with a partner scares them, and getting close is only a painful reminder of what they lacked as children. So any form of closeness makes them feel trapped, and in turn its their flight response which makes them go the other way since they were conditioned that love and closeness are unsafe. Dating anxious people, they are drawn to us because it valudates their theory that partners are needy, demanding and insecure and therefore they can thrive in their dismissive avoidance tactics and pull away because we validate that theory for them. We push, and they pull away. In short, they want to be with people they can be with and invest only rhe bare minimum who will be okay with substandard behavior and accwpt breadcrumbs. Who they dont have to try hard for. Because as anxiously preoccupied people we are ok with what we can get and we feel like we have to keep trying real hard just to win someones love. The truth is, both parties relationship styles are styles of sabotage deemed to make an insecure attachment style and propagate their self sabotaging ways even further. The dismissive says relationships are unsafe. The anxiously attached says, im not worthy to receive love, i need people who validate my unworthiness.

[@michaelr3025]

@@asmallbitchybanana This makes so much sense. 👍

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@michaelr3025 glad you understood 🤗

[@phizzy123]

@@asmallbitchybanana thank you so much for your answer. it’s something that’s been confusing me a lot so i’m glad to have gotten some insight.

[@flagirl0315]

@@asmallbitchybanana exactly and once you heal those things that’s why you’re not attracted to them anymore or can walk away as an AP. I think especially when i defined my worth and didn’t take their behavior personally I just want to get out when I see bad behavior or me being mistreated.

[@cloudslady3400]

That is the dynamic that made me fearful avoidant and ended all the traits I used to have as ap....it's something I'll always be sad over...I miss that girl every second of every day...this is what they mean when they say "I lost myself in loving you" but to an extreme extent..

[@cloudslady3400]

It's weird but if I can go back to being anxious I definitely will...it's depressing that I'm stuck in being a person that I had to be to survive but If I had a little choice I would choose her

[@cloudslady3400]

I just watch all videos about Aps to cry over them...they remind me how my old self used to be...how she thought how she precieved the world....I dream about a chance to see the world through her eyes again just for once

[@resueah7257]

@@cloudslady3400 What did you lose, hope?

[@toldaddy]

"I feel afraid of this person leaving, or I feel afraid of not having this persons approval. It must mean I really like them." Get out of my head. The concept of having to "solve" for someones inconsistency really resonates with me. And the concept that a DA's behavior being a reflection of how I see myself is just... So spot on. Thanks for this.

[@amandaharris7205]

Part of it for me is the fantasy that I'll be the one that has the magic formula to make him change. Trauma reenactment?

[@savingsarah9456]

I cared deeply for my DA and still do. The relationship really showed me how much I need to heal before try to date again. I want to reach out to him and reassure him of his qualities but from listening to these talks it seems best to give him his space. People want to trash DAs but there is so much good in them too. Like us AAs they're just trying to protect themselves only in a different way. I will forever be grateful for him and this channel for showing me exactly where I need to heal. Thank you.

[@unknownforce7517]

Maybe your ex was not completely DA, He might've had similar range but true DA are selfish, cold And appear to be extroverted but deeply are Unavailable and lack of showing consistent love and understanding. Remember if they break up with you you're doing you a great service, they will stop torturing you and you will stop disliking yourself

[@Kaisharga]

As a DA working on healing, thank you as well. We try really hard not to be seen, so it's just really good when someone does see us and respects what they see. Even if you don't like it, the understanding and validation are...very nourishing. I hope he knows he had a positive effect on you, and that he can recognize your gifts to him as well. Cheers.

[@howtosober]

This is really great, thank you. What I appreciate most is how the focus is on how to stop attracting this dynamic rather than how to make this dynamic work, which seems to be the focus of other videos on this channel. I understand that coaching can be valuable for people who have so much invested in an anxious-avoidant trap relationship (house, kids, etc.) that they feel more motivated to heal it than to get out (or maybe they have a unicorn DA partner that is actually willing to put in the same amount of work)-- but for those of us who just want to make sure we never end up in this dynamic again, the motivation is to learn what to watch out for and how to avoid it. Thais' suggestions to that point are invaluable, thanks.

[@cloudslady3400]

You should know the traits of dismissives….then just avoid them it’s so simple…for me as Fa I can immediately now the person’s attachment style

[@howtosober]

@@cloudslady3400 DAs and narcissists are both great at presenting themselves in the beginning. I think it's a bit naive to assume you can spot them up front unless you're doing things to specifically try and get certain behaviors out of them, like testing for empathy, etc.

[@brookelight2090]

Great point! The focus is to avoid avoidant therefore heal ourselves, but not to understand them therefore temporarily soothe the pain.

[@huntertony56]

"Actually, that could be a person touching your wounds." -ouchy never realized this

[@cjoneill7435]

Can we get one for why the AP falls for the FA please? These videos are so good

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Anybody experience this: Where you're so good for someone that it feels unfamiliar to them, they get scared and then back away?

[@asmallbitchybanana]

My last relationship

[@little_miss_muffet]

Sadly I can relate all too well. I was dumped two months ago after one of the loneliest, most confusing years of my life. Nothing quite prepares you for a relationship with a DA. And I am secure! 😔

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@asmallbitchybanana Yeah eh?

[@cleveland2164]

Going through it now. Everything was great then poof. It’s so draining and I hate my the way someone else can make me feel

[@brookelight2090]

Typical avoidant behavior! They see love as dangerous. They think There must be something extremely painful followed by love, therefore they run away to protect themselves before horrible things happened to them.

[@Katrica670]

Mine was attracted to me initially, not the other way around. 👀🧐🤔 Aka they DA are attracted to AP's I guess.

[@musebymelissa8583]

A trauma reenactment video would be really helpful. Thanks Thais 💙

[@roshalllambert]

Shadow work course is one of my favorites! btw I love her top!!

[@tranitataylor4284]

Thank you so much! Is there any way to get an updated video on DA's and intimacy? Like why they pull away immediately after sex, or sleep on the couch/seperate bedroom, hiding debt, denying things even when shown proof, etc

[@lucytownsend1176]

OMG, I feel like you’ve been hiding in my bedroom closet for too many years. 😅

[@brookelight2090]

I’m AP. Only A few times in the past, I feel trapped in a relationship. the relationship at that moment is not fun but tedious. I’m guessing DA could feel bored after ejaculation? But you still cuddling at that moment therefore he feel too much? Same for female DA. I’m purely guessing here

[@vp5134]

I can relate so much to that... It's so hurtful

[@brookelight2090]

@@vp5134 yeah. They don’t understand withdrawal immediately after sex is insulting. They don’t have the capacity to understand. This is why they will be in perpetual misery. Karma

[@Kaisharga]

​@@brookelight2090 Sex is full of very raw emotions, and APs don't understand that we DAs don't have well-developed emotional tools. APs had to build very robust emotional tools very quickly, so they simply don't have the capacity to understand what it's like to not have those tools. This is why they show no empathy towards us. Guessing that didn't feel real good to read either. Karma. In all seriousness, it's a lot to handle as a DA. Closeness is something we crave, but it's also frightening because we constantly worry that we're going to do something wrong--and then something about the relationship will be broken in a small but inextricable way--so ironically we can end up doing nothing in order to avoid causing harm through action. We don't know that our relationship is not fragile, because in the past our relationships have absolutely been fragile and our mistakes never forgiven. We even know that doing nothing is a mistake, but we have built our self-soothing skills so thoroughly that the possibility of being left alone is preferable to the chance of committing an accidental error that we will be paying for through the rest of the relationship. Or, to put it another way, we *avoid* conflict, so it is unthinkable for us to *cause* conflict, even if it's through a mistake borne of ignorance. (*Especially* if it's a mistake borne of ignorance; that would mean we did not know enough, did not prepare enough, did not think ahead well enough--all of which are Central Survival Skills of the DA.)

[@Calicokitty2]

This is so helpful! I just wish I had known this 6 years ago!

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

Can you make a video about the differences between dismissive avoidant and covert narcissist? I think they are very similar.

[@jaredvaughan1665]

You can also call this episode what draws anxious Will Smith to dismissive Jada.

[@erin9243]

Nah I think she’s more likely a narcissist & he’s codependent

[@gabazatiba5951]

That’s literally the AP/DA dynamic

[@jaredvaughan1665]

@@erin9243 that too

[@ivana5618]

​@gabazatiba5951 it's quite literally not, it's quite literally narcissism which DAs are not by default

[@petrajordanmusic]

Aaaaaand most comments in this video are left by the APs as far as I can tell. The DAs are somewhere out there dismissing something, someone or the fact that they could learn about themselves and stop the vicious cycle. Says enough about who’s got a chance for healing here. Thanks Thais! This was really good and confirmed the finding of the shadow work I’ve done on myself some years back. If anyone is looking for a a simple and free method to do shadow work, check out the work of Byron Katie. It’s changed my life for the better forever 🙏

[@tinalewis1734]

Yess GO AP’s ! We got this

[@Kaisharga]

This is how the DA mindset persists. We have seen that nobody cares about our feelings, therefore we hide them. Therefore, nobody sees our feelings. Therefore, they assume we do not have feelings. Therefore, we see that nobody cares about our feelings. Please don't perpetuate this. Understand that our guards are up for a reason. We know you're frustrated. But we have only known the world on this side of the shield. We don't know how to safely step out from behind it. Seeing more invalidations coming our way does not help.

[@ivana5618]

We are here, we just don't comment bc why would we? Half the comments are bashing DAs and putting on us toxic traits that are not even characteristics of DAs, they're characteristics of a toxic person. The two are not synonymous and the comments treat them like they are and gang up on us.

[@DEmersonJMFM]

@@Kaisharga The hardest part, I believe, is getting a DA to feel safe enough to express their feelings and understand that some of us want to see their whole selves without rejection or judgement. I know the feelings are there, I can sense them and the walls around them. I don't like to make assumptions, but it sucks when my brain wants to go storytelling to make sense of a situation or potential feelings when the most important parts of the real story are being hidden.

[@m3llytan]

Learning more about DAs just makes me wanna find another AP/FA leaning anxious so that we can be anxious about each other together 😂Sometimes I manage to attract Secure guys (or DAs pretending to be open and warm at first), but for some reason I just don't attract or find fellow APs...

[@mohamedahmedalgali323]

same here! as AP i only attract DAs but now whenever i find someone i test them the first day and i pretty much can tell their attachment style. it's been very helpful. my dream is to find an AP . a relationship with an AP like myself would be so awesome. i love that neediness, the clingyness , the needs to communicate 24*7 and the closeness and the love we yearn for. they say AP with AP relationship doesn't work, but since i'm aware of the the attachment theory, being with an AP will make me more secure.so i will let my partner do most of the chasing and just meet all their needs since i already know what they are. i know AP with AP will work.

[@johnnycassell4338]

Sup girl... Lol 🧀 I totally agree! I would love the opportunity to date an AP girl! I would rather be trampled by giraffes than to end up in a relationship with another soulless Dismissive Avoidant she devil.

[@flagirl0315]

@@mohamedahmedalgali323 yes I have the same issue. I hate it. Bc so many come on acting like they are open and consistent and will be different with pursuing you. Different with you being the red flag. I’ve learned after my most recent experience that if in their past they were emotionally unavailable and idealizing an ex who treated them terrible they aren’t going to change and have a problem. If you’re half human and show care they will sabotage. I noticed I lot of them just show they are particularly detached from people and exes in general and there’s always a lot of “space” there whether it’s being a workaholic, logistically being apart or emotionally. All of it. Someone was always running or far away in their past relationships or it was “casual”. Similar to the phantom ex some think some unicorn out there will be perfectly suited and matched to them and they live in a fantasy. You’re the unicorn until you’re not bc you’re then a real person then onto the next fantasy person waiting for them 🙄 smh. It’s ridiculous to me and very immature. They don’t take any accountability

[@flagirl0315]

@@johnnycassell4338 I’m one! Lol. Can we start a dating app that’s based off of taking a quiz that will tell your attachment style that will be on your profile? That would be amazing! DAs would be left in the 💨 though with their reps lol

[@johnnycassell4338]

@@flagirl0315 Yeh they'd be cast aside for sure. That's a great idea! Maybe it would give DA's the opportunity to setup their sneaky links with each other. Win win win.

[@tkcobaugh]

Yep, 42 years together, 33 years married….THIS everyday of our lives together. I have tried to leave the relationship several times even after infidelity but I can’t let him go. He has good qualities….is there any hope for a situation like mine or do I just need to focus on giving him up for good?

[@reneeewens-bettridge8420]

Checkout Karmic relationship by Sonia Choquette on YT

[@rewakaur7375]

Thank Thais🥺 I love your videos thank you for your work! 😀

[@anothercat9600]

Glittery twinkling eyes are a factor. I noticed that dismissive avoidant men have this.

[@arich20]

Thank you for saying this. I have noticed it too. I don't know what it is about.

[@erin9243]

I’ve noticed this much more with narcissists. That glitter is a brief glimpse of their excitement in finding a new victim (you). Stay away from it

[@blainebowe73]

I would say the same for DA women! At least my ex

[@anothercat9600]

Erin, there are both type A narcissists and DA empaths who have twinkling eyes. Narcissists though have a much more domineering body language. Empathic shy DAs seem to "always" have twinkling eyes, while only one type of narcissists do.

[@anothercat9600]

I actually think narcissists are a 5th attachment style altogether: Manipulative personality disorder. And DAs, FAs, APs are empathic, Secures are normals, and narcissists are manipulative. Imho. I do understand that there are several types of narcissists, but still, the manipulative behaviour is hallmark.

[@HN-kk7vy]

I appreciate your work thank you

[@alirh1145]

is this also including FAs ? maybe FAs with more AP side

[@brookelight2090]

Please, someone help me to sort this out. When FA or DA runs away, I managed to not chase after. But why I meet them in the first place? Before the attachment kicks in, they pursue you just like a normal secure man do. They flirt, they make efforts, then boom both of you catch feelings, then they run away. How to avoid them in the beginning? Is it fate? Because I didn’t play this chase-run away game with them. Why I kept on meeting avoidant?! HELP!

[@flagirl0315]

Yes I agree! This keeps happening to me too! It sucks! Best thing to do is take it slow. They show it within a month or two. Unfortunately yes they promise the world and pursue at first so it makes it very hard to see

[@flagirl0315]

@@sunbeam9222 what did you do to heal? I’ve finally stopped attracting narcissists for years now and even a glimpse of that gives me the ick, but avoidants still attract some. As soon as someone is flakey or wishy washy noncommittal or even worse causes confusion that doesn’t make sense I cut them off.

[@flagirl0315]

@@sunbeam9222 thank you for your response 😊. Yes I’m pretty much there. Tbh even being on dating apps I just don’t have much interest in dating anyone right now. I’m also skeptical about letting people in my life in general. Unfortunately even when we get close I feel even with friends everyone has their things and before you know they are projecting their insecurities onto you with either subtle passive aggressive put downs or unsolicited advice. I don’t need anyone’s advice I’m my own person and if I’d want it I’d ask. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m better off alone in general and with distant friends. Not everyone is like this but some are and over weird things. One girl would have subtle laughs like I was stupid (this makes her feel superior) another would grill me in my working out lifestyle and what she thinks is best, another it was over my dating life bc she truthfully was jealous I had guys talking me out on nice dates and she didn’t. I’m so sick of people 😣. Everyone has their own baggage then projects it onto you. I only feel at peace by myself most days lol. I’ve learned just to keep people at a distance anymore

[@flagirl0315]

@@sunbeam9222 yes it’s true! They say as you become more DA yourself in some ways you’re actually becoming secure bc you’re starting to shift to the opposite behaviors. Wishing you the best too ❤️

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

Where can I find the shadow work area that you were referring to?

[@theanicca]

I'm more curious to know about the attraction of the DA to the AP - doesn't the AP seem dangerous to the DA, with all their need for intimacy?

[@flagirl0315]

A part of them wants what they lacked in childhood hence their attraction to us but that’s the very thing they fear too so once it gets real, and close they start the deactivating fears. It’s just not a healthy dynamic period

[@pikapoka17]

What about AP and FA? Thanks

[@melissad.6722]

My avoidant hooked me by acting just like me at first giddy with passion and love and serendipity talk thenb3 months in when I was hooked he flipped and now wants to still be with me whatever that means but I can't "expect" anything. Now what???? Hope is the dope. If he could do all that stiff before why can't he do it again????

[@Katrica670]

Probably a bit off topic, but anyone ever feel like their life is a standstill? 👀🧐🤔

[@Katrica670]

He isn't that logical. They say males are logical and females are emotional, not so!

[@m3llytan]

Yeah everyone is pretty illogical about what they want in the end, especially when they have unprocessed trauma messing up their logic to begin with! Humans are emotional creatures, it just doesn't always look like it on the surface...

[@Katrica670]

@@m3llytan tell the guy in another video about trauma, he thinks people make excuses. Blah blah..

[@rach6525]

What draws the DA in regarding the anxious preoccupied person ?

[@georgieeve2026]

Warmth, openness, positive, attentive, curious, pleasing, caring, nurturing etc.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

They are drawn to everything theyre not,