Why Avoidants Avoid Commitments & How to Know If an Avoidant Will Heal!

[@genevievetang4228]

I think what FA wants is not speed, it’s transparency. Sometimes FA ourselves think we want to move things faster but upon close examination of our fears, what we are really needing is transparency/context of what DA is thinking.

[@r_and_a]

1,000%!

[@nicholeb2746]

Exactly! I need to know what is going on, how you feel and what you think b4 I can feel safe to engage.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

So true. My DA makes sure to tell me everything on his mind rather than keeping me guessing because he knows how my brain works. Now that I'm a bit more healed, I don't need it as much, but he still says the things that make my heart warm and squishy. The first year of being unsure wrecked my nervous system. I'm handling unknown situations better in life all around since PDS. Like flying in a plane and feeling at ease that turbulence is just air bumps and we're not about to crash and die. 😂

[@LSGO90]

I agree with this! I don’t need to move fast as long as I feel there’s transparency and consistency.

[@HeyitsJade]

This video came at such a timely moment for me. I’m an FA working towards secure. I’ve been in a 7 year “situationship “ with a DA. We act like a couple in every other way but he won’t commit or even say we’re dating . I would still date others here and there but nothing ever pans out. Two weeks ago I let him know that while I understand he needs to move slower we aren’t moving at all ( after 7 years) . I told him my time is valuable and I need to know where this is going. He said he’s sorry and that he saw me as “long term” then he stopped talking to me for a week before reappearing and sending a meme. I’m now dating other people

[@davepenn9181]

Good for you, for moving on. He's not going to change if he hasn't done so in 7 years.

[@craignason4258]

Good for you! Keep focusing on yourself and your healing!

[@pegbuckner5074]

I’m in the same situationship. 4 years now. Your story is the same as mine. I don’t know what to do. 😩 💔 😔

[@craignason4258]

@ What do you feel like you should do?

[@KR-ou2qo]

Long term situationship! Great!

[@alwaysroomtolearn]

Mike you're great. You should be really proud as a 'former' DA of how far you've come and healed! 💪🏻

[@dustypate5536]

As an FA I can totally relate to the impatience aspect within relationships. Uncertainty is gasoline on my anxiety fire. I'd rather hear a no now than a maybe 6 months from now. My partners indecisiveness in life decisions can be highly irritating...to the point I'd rather be by myself to sooth my anxiety.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing this! Facing uncertainty is so challenging, especially with an anxious attachment. It sounds like you know what you need in a relationship, and that clarity is a huge step forward.

[@eileendom5858]

I really loved this episode. I am the FA who would ask my DA ex ( didn’t know what we were at that time) to give me advance notice when he wanted to be alone or have space. I felt at times I needed it myself but was afraid to ask. When I felt jealous of his female friends or didn’t trust his plans were last minute, I would take space and be silent. It was so weird looking back at how confident I thought I was at the beginning of the relationship and he was Moving so fast at first. But leaving together ruined us. Now I’m just trying to work on me and realize what I need to fix within me. I know I struggle with full trust, but hope in my next relationship, it will be there.

[@decostetocoast]

Needed this one more than I thought, until starting to watch some of your videos I didn't realize how much having transparency and some sort of knowledge of the outcome that my internal world basically freaks out, makes a lot of sense looking back at life, haha. Just wanted to say thank you for your content, its been helping me I feel move towards being ok with who I am.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

So glad to hear the content is helping you! Learning to accept and trust our own internal experiences is such a powerful journey. Thanks for the kind words 💜

[@laurawilke30]

My guy mirrored my secure attachment for two years… and then fell apart … me not knowing any of this … was very confused by his behavior … turns out his DA made me lose myself into an AP for a year or so … looking for answers I came across you and Adam Lane Smith and now my world make sense again. The hard part is how to find a path to happy with my guy that I love so much.

[@erianriley9637]

Similar situation I find myself in. Frustrating not knowing how to make things mutually fulfilling because I love him and don't want to not be with him yet I'm not happy the way things currently are.

[@sandynazarian1023]

And that's exactly what happened to me....I was a placeholder. Terrible thing to go through!

[@HH-pj5bl]

I resonate with what Mike said, I met someone at my dance school and we were talking, she mentioned she's taking things slow and I respected that but after about a month she said she wanted to be friends I was so confused , I thought it was going ok, I did ask for feedback on what happen, when she expressed her side I felt like those things are important but can definitely be resolved by communicating it with me directly. It's also hard when the fa/da expect the other person to read between the lines too. For me it felt like she didn't even give us a chance and gave up. But I respect her choice and agreed to be her friend❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s tough when intentions don’t align, especially when communication could bridge the gap. It sounds like you handled it with respect and understanding. Thanks for sharing your story 💜

[@WrittenMysteries]

I know that I'm terrible at co-regulation. I'm so worried about acting like a child, I'm hypervigilant with my body language. For me to give a frown in public feels like having a tantrum. A few months ago at a social event, I got offended by something, and I thought I'd try some healthy conflict resolution. I sat there giving off signs of distress that felt like fuming rage to me. No one responded. I was so disappointed. After the event, I mentioned it to a friend. She said they all thought I was meditating 😂

[@Aggressive_architect]

Just say 😂 ppl don’t read minds

[@WrittenMysteries]

@@Aggressive_architect people get confused when I verbalize my emotions. they look for congruence between words and body language. I've had times in the past when people literally didn't believe my words because I seemed to be fine. that's why I've been working on body language.

[@Aggressive_architect]

@ hmmm, you know every person is different, keep trying. Especially with new people, what won’t work with one person, will work with another

[@RL.H]

😂

[@ninaziva4639]

​@@WrittenMysteriesYou sound so sweet and pure 😊 God bless u

[@Danilyn_Livao]

This is such an insightful video! Thank you for shedding light on this complex topic - it’s sure to help many people find clarity in their relationships!

[@cherylpa527]

Love your channel Thais! I just signed up for your PDS course to help heal from my FA attachment, I lean heavily avoidant, by suppressing my desire to connect. I related so much to what Mike said about being tired of life being only about me and not being able to really connect or fully love You do amazing work. I deleted my dating profile and will take the time to dive deep and heal the core wounds driving my subconscious.. To everyone reading this comment, know you're on the right path. Love and light to you 💙✨

[@BM-yk1dc]

Thanks!

[@jenniferjamison-lq9vn]

Good for you, honey! I’m an LCSW who also had to also “do the work” as a result of someone else’s bullshit! Glad I did, but it sometimes feels pretentious sharing my title when others know my past. I just remind myself it’s better than the alternative, which was hurting others as a drunk victim. I enjoy your work on a regular basis. The real kicker was ending up in a relationship with an avoidant after I thought I’d healed. He was price charming initially. The work never ends!

[@sandynazarian1023]

These podcasts are very insightful and thank you for sharing whole heartedly.

[@brooklyncoleman3406]

This episode made something click for me about the DA/FA dynamic in a relationship. With an unhealed DA and their flaw-finding/noncommittal tendencies paired with a FA’s hyper vigilance and need for certainty. That hyper vigilance, for me as an FA, transfers over as being “highly intuitive.” With my now recent DA ex, I could tell from his behaviors & things he said that he didn’t want to commit because he felt he could do much better than me in a partner. I sensed this and exhibited behaviors in order to find that certainty that I knew didn’t exist in him as a partner. Very interesting!

[@Healingpawsss]

I really like these podcasts! ☺️ I have listened to most of the shorter videos on PDS youtube. But these longer podcasts are really nice cause they give more personal experiences and strategies and its nice to hear two voices on this. Cause you two have different ways of saying things so there are more things to learn + im sure different ways of saying thing resonates with different kinds of listeners 🦋.

[@Tanya482]

These "giving them space" things are nice and well in early dating, but if you're looking to have a family/kids with a person, you can't exactly have them go and take space for a week. Or disconnect from you and the family because their work is stressful. I just don't see how it's viable long term. I guess if you're looking to just "date" someone forever, that's fine

[@pizzelle2]

That’s the worst part. It’s okay for adults to choose to put themselves in difficult, toxic relationships but if you want to eventually have children or blend a family then you have to realize the kids will suffer right along with you. You can be as patient and “empathetic” as you want but kids shouldn’t have to make excuses for neglect at the hand of their own parental figures.

[@Tanya482]

@@pizzelle2 and if I have kids with a person, I expect them to be an ADULT and be responsible for their own feelings of overwhelm (in addition to being equally responsible for the children they brought into the world). I would also expect them to show up every day, not disappear to leave me on my own for a week. You might have the time and energy to coddle an adult while it's just the two of you, but when there's a family involved, I don't think anyone has the patience to also parent their spouse.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

​@@Tanya482 all of my DA friends are parents as well as the one I date. Their kids are their top priority. They don't disappear from them and they always have their back.

[@Tanya482]

@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope how are they with the spouse? It's not really about how they treat the kids, it's about the dynamic the kids observe between their parents and the idea of relating to others that they grow up with

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

@@Tanya482 only one was married and she was with him for over a decade. He was toxic and abusive so naturally she had enough and left. The other 2 pretty much were casually dating their kids moms and hooking up and they got pregnant. I think it was sexual attraction for both the men and women and they did the whole "try and make it work" thing for the kids sake and clearly that never works. I wasn't there so I can't personally say how their relationship was unless I went solely by what they say and I'm a "it takes two to tango" type of person. What I will say is that these are amazing friends and humans and they will work with someone they feel is a good fit for them.

[@fohealclinic]

Really good podcast, thanks guys

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for tuning in! Glad you enjoyed it.

[@DandiLyon1296]

Do Dismissive Avoidants ask themselves what they want to give in a relationship? I think that would be powerful and I didn't hear this addressed. I just heard what the DA wanted in a relationship. Can Mike talk about this some time? What I am experiencing is that the DA doesn't really think about what they are giving, just what they are getting. They tend to think they are giving a lot and not really aware of reality. Just a thought.

[@Becstar_07]

I feel they are 100% selfish and don’t give a thought to their partner much! Especially post honeymoon period.😏

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Another great episode. And Mike, we see you and you’re brave and kind for sharing your life pre and post healing! I’m sure so many are benefiting from hearing your stories. 💛🫶🏼

[@WilliamBrown-c1h]

❤

[@Just_another_nobody.]

I think I am dealing with an avoidant woman currently. Since I understand her attachment style I can handle her much better. I think with time I can get her to open up, remove her armor and keep it off. I also stopped viewing her pulling away as a negative, after all it means that she likes me, which is a good thing.

[@deannarobinson4065]

Thias voice when she said “(texting) are we doing this or not?!?”😂

[@susansiracusa8020]

I was dating a DA, he had mother wounds and I understood why he never felt loved or could give love. He said he was broken and wasn't capable of love. I tried to show him the love he craved so much, it was going well and he said the more time we spent together the closer he felt to me. Then the day after a really good time together he called to say he needed to end it between us as it was just getting too serious. I was devastated. He didn't even want any contact. I did reach out a couple of times for some advice on something and he responded. Now he won't reply at all although he reads the messages right away. I have decided to not reach out anymore and see what happens. He hasn't blocked me. It's been 7 weeks now and nothing. Have I done the right thing? Will he ever reach out to me? Advice please.....

[@Weismnt81]

If he was serious about you, he will come back……. focus on you in the meantime. Just cuz they come back doesn’t mean they have been putting in any effort or self improvement. Mine “felt like he lost the person who could help him find purpose in life”, only to ghost me again after a week.

[@aloha8265]

Thank you so much to both of you for all the positive change activations you both are enabling in us all which in turn will lift so many more ongoing in positive ways. Wake up calls … explained ….🙂

[@yellowtheresunshine]

Im currently experiencing a complete DA deactivation/detachment towards me by a nan after 3 years of dating (never had the official tite).it is the most painful experience of my life i hace no idea what i did to trigger this in him. Hes a severe DA and it feels as though he has turned into a different person all together.

[@MariDass-f4z]

this video literally came in the perfect moment in my life, love you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad to know it resonates with you!

[@Shtefulika]

Love everything you both said ❤❤❤ congrats on your growth

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

💜

[@JulienStaheli]

AP here. Understanding my own attachment style has helped me manage some of my neediness, and learning my wife is DA brought a lot of clarity-and empathy. Now, during our separation, I’m seeing past her dismissive or accusatory moments, and I think maybe she senses my empathy, even in her worst moments. Ironically, that seems to trigger her even more each day. Is this the late stage, where nothing can be done?

[@Faith-sr8zw]

The last video he looked like Travis Barker, now he looks like Ryan Gosling.

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Oh! Lol I’d say level 9! But also here for the tears!

[@ge0rgialiv]

It’s called future faking whether the avoidant is aware of it or not that’s exactly what’s happening. My ex, spoke often about homes she looked at online for us and holidays she wanted to go on with me. I always thought about it but I didn’t look physically at homes online or holidays, I did and was the same month she broke up with me. So she was future faking and the night we broke up she said she didn’t see us living together or married I’m assuming the imagine in her head the feelings around it were different or genuinely couldn’t see it as she went into avoidant mode like a flip to a switch she went from so soft so heart felt to treating me like an acquaintance or like a coworker and I was like where’s my girl gone?

[@SF-pm1ov]

Amazing content

[@Yuki-n5i3t]

Beautiful. Honestly.

[@jakajakajaki]

Thank you so much for all your hard work ❤ I am FA and I signed up for your school before but I would love to rejoin. Which course shall I do if I want to specifically focus on 21 days of reprogramming of subconscious to change my patterns that you talked about in the interview with Mel Gibbson? ❤🙏

[@earthschild2396]

I guess I am an DA, but not because I fear the relationship eventually will end, but because the relationship claims so much of me, specially because I seem to attract FAs, that I am put in the position of care taker and emotional regulator of my partner. I am sorry, but it is exhausting. To be put in a pedestal for my independence and my free spirit, to then cage me and hold me captive so that they can feel ok with themselves. I am choosing me, I cannot save them. So, am I a dismissive avoidant or am I secure enough in myself to choose a life of peace in solitude?

[@pegbuckner5074]

I need to know if it’s possible!!! Just started this video!! 👏🏻

[@craignason4258]

When they were talking about sabotaging the relationship when someone would rather deal with the certainty of rejection and overcomming that compared to dealing with the dynamic of someone not being able to give them an anwser in regards to commitment. Granted scenarios are different and alot of things matter, like how long you have been waiting, how someone acts in this non committal dynamic (are they open to see other people etc) But to me I dont really see that as sabotaging past a certain timeframe. If someone cant give you an answer as to where its going, after x amount of time, your time is better spent healing and then trying again with someone who can.

[@craignason4258]

Don't people like Matthew Hussey preach that "take the maybe as a no, move on and find someone who says yes to you”. Maybe paraphrasing abit there but still...

[@RubyLine]

I love one of Matthew's sentences. It's "You might have your reasons but I have my reality. And that's what I'm interested in." Something along those lines.

[@hilostateofmind]

I would say that his sharing is pretty vulnerable but I can see that he is not fully comfortable with it and generally has a reserved demeanor and often says things that seem to show a lack of understanding for perspectives that he doesn't relate to and even sometimes seems to defend the unhealthy relationship expectations of a DA which I have seen so very pervasively with DA's. I have seen so many people who claim to be a "healed, secure, used to be DA" person who still seems a little disgusted by the relationship expectations of actually secure people.

[@josieortega]

I think people have unrealistic expectations about what “healing” looks like. I think in most cases, they get better at communicating their needs, but the need for more space and less connectedness is always going to be a part of who they are. Same with vulnerability and sharing emotions. I think at some point they realize they’ll need to open up more, but that often won’t look like a lot of people might expect in a relationship.

[@jeffvonbergen2397]

Here became my problem. I would tell the Da how to help me or make my anxiety go away and they would accuse me of attacking them. Or she would tell me I was telling her what to do. Then toward the end, It became you were criticizing me. Its a hopeless loop.

[@garycrow1955]

Over a 5 year friendship I didn’t realize what attachment styles were. I am probably an anxious preoccupied and she is a fearful avoidant. When she abruptly ghosted me 2 months ago I read “How we Love” and also came across your You Tube videos. PThe first three years of our friendship were mainly text & phone calls. The last 2 years have been hanging out “not dating according to her”. We haven’t had any intimate moments only hugging & cheek kissing. We haven’t traveled a couple times but stay in separate rooms. She told me from day one she wanted to take things slow but I never imagined this slow. I understand now her fear in relationships. Should I just let it go or is there something I can do to assure her I understand how she feels?

[@mike198383]

After watching these various videos I feel i am a mix of Anxious Avoidant and it has caused me many failed relationships as I take things at face value and would react and did not have the greatest tools to work through things in fear of just repeating history. After getting out of a 1yr Relationship that I was dealing with Narcissism and also FA based on facts from your videos and I just could not handle the emotional stress they were causing after having open heart surgery also. As working towards a Secure Attachment mindset how do i get past the fears of finding the same type of people as im 41 and moving to new state to be closer to friends and starting a new chapter in my life?

[@TheFilmfan22]

I was called a placeholder once… by someone I really loved. It’s an awful feeling… in hindsight I get it, but sucks being called that

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

That's really rude of someone to say to you. I'm sorry.

[@FlickerineStevens-ti2ri]

oh god the PUSH. I get really confused because I find it hard to find the balance in the middle.

[@lanaleewilliams8668]

Hey silly question maybe, but what are the major differences (if there are any at all) of both men and women as DAs?

[@WrittenMysteries]

there isn't much difference in terms of how the attachment works

[@johnmaus4408]

Why the drums?

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

Hi! I don't know if you will see this, but I'm really wondering if folks with DA have issues with hording and clutter. And just with things like if something breaks, they won't deal with that, then that will cause a bigger issue, and they won't deal with that, so it's a bigger issue, so forth and so on. And what happens is, they're literally just burying themselves alive under their clutter and their problems they didn't address that were small issues, but now have become SO big, that no one would really be able to handle them by themselves, even well-adjusted healthy attached folks.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

Not sure about attachment styles for this, but this can be an ADHD symptom which avoidants can also have.

[@tarkov_6]

A lot of assumption that avoidants will actually tell you things...

[@MissCarrieH]

Wow, discount Ryan Gosling ❤

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

I'd say he's a better version of Ryan.

[@sharonborg2844]

Omg I was thinking exactly the same thing!!

[@trininikki88]

I really want to send this to my DA ex, but he probably won’t see both sides anyway 😒

[@vampy7966]

Lol the DA thinks oh this person isn’t the one yet with previous partners that they thought were the one, how did that work out for them….????

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

I can never move in my bf of 6 yrs. I really want to, but I can't. Mostly it's because of the clutter. But also, it's because im in recovery for Anxious Attachment. I think if I had to live with a DA every day, it would be tough for me to keep my recovery stability and moving forward. I also have Biopolar 1, C-PTSD, and anxiety with panic attacks. I look at this as someone having an addiction, where their sobriety needs to be the most important thing. I have to maintain, and manage my issues in healthy ways. So seeing him once a month or so, and learning to speak his language is fine, but for me to have to do that every day all day, and live in a house that is in full of so much clutter, you really cant walk or find space to sit or more, overwhelms me, and triggers some of the things from my past. I can tolerate it for a short amount of time though. Sometimes I wonder if he keeps the house this way, so there's no way a woman would want to move in with him? Sometimes I wonder if it's just that he's overwhelmed bc he avoids so many thigs. It's hard, and I hate seeing him this way.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

Ironically enough, it sounds like the two of you are very similar in a sense that you both don't want to be triggered so you keep the other at arms length. ❤️

[@AprilSunshine]

This intro is just the worst, but the content is gold 🥇

[@originalmix2546]

not if we keep coddling them and making excuses for them

[@stephaniepersin4222]

Why waste your time with someone emotionally dead?

[@andreajaouhari6486]

That’s hurtful to say. We don’t mean to be this way. We love people and want connection but it feels like we are being chased by a bear. We didn’t sign up for this either. Childhood trauma groomed us

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

They're not emotionally dead. They just don't share their emotions with everyone that walks by.

[@harry-james-books]

@@andreajaouhari6486 The reason I don't attack strangers who support other football clubs is because I choose not to do those things. I'm quite capable of it. I just don't do it. It's called "self control"

[@stephaniepersin4222]

@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope they don't date or f*ck everyone that walks by. Your argument doesn't exist. If you are this go seek therapy.

[@stephaniepersin4222]

@@andreajaouhari6486 not other people's problem.

[@harry-james-books]

Who cares? It will likely take their victim a year to get their sanity back

[@WrittenMysteries]

secure types be saying they're traumatized when they don't get a phone call

[@dozzzinggg]

​@@WrittenMysteries You're downgrading the importance of relationships and connection. Relationships are very important and almost held as sacred for most people. So when someone fakes closeness and stability, then pulls away, even secure people CAN be hurt because that meaningfulness of all of their connections is challenged and compromised. It's okay and valid for people to want to be close to other people. It's GOOD to seek to love and be loved. It's HEALTHY.

[@WrittenMysteries]

@@dozzzinggg never said relationships don’t hurt. I question why you need a year to regain your sanity when a casual romance ends. that is downgrading to actual trauma.

[@tarkov_6]

​@WrittenMysteries .... someone taking a year to 'regain their sanity' is "degrading to actual trauma" ... are you serious? More serious trauma takes far longer than a year, but implying it shouldn't take a year in casual relationships is DEGRADING to those people....especially when it wasn't "casual" to them...

[@WrittenMysteries]

@@tarkov_6 sanity? sanity?? you lost your sanity over a romance? stop it. being sad for a few months is not being traumatized.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

People aren't cake, and life isn't all about fun.

[@bhartiwankhede5568]

if you're seeing this comment, it might be a sign to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio ❤️

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

Or it might mean you're a shill. How about you quit spamming comments?

[@r_and_a]

​@@Mudpuppyjunior pds really needs to add the title to the block list for comments