Is This Why You're Depressed? Stop Should-ing on Yourself

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Here's one way you make your depression worse: should-ing on yourself.
A should statement is a cognitive distortion. It’s based on an overly rigid rule inside your head that you aren’t able to live up to. Shoulds generate a lot of shame. This way of talking to ourselves is like having a little shoulder angel constantly finding fault and criticizing you. But shoulds just aren’t that helpful in actually creating change - they mostly just make us miserable and discouraged.
Is this what's making you depressed?
Are shoulds making you feel like you're never good enough?
Shoulding is a bad habit that sends a message to your brain that you’ll never be good enough. It creates hopelessness which leads to depression.
So, how do we stop shoulding on ourselves? How can we stop making ourselves more depressed?
In order to resolve these shouldy feelings, we’re going to use the emotion processing model: Notice, Pause, Explore, Clarify and Act.
So the two shoulds we’re going to look at for our example are “I should always be happy” and “I should spend more time with my kids.”
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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love www.churchofje...
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[@jelliemish]

The thought change from "I should be happy" to "I don't like feeling down rn, what can I do right now?" is amazing. Seriously, thanks! this video is so helpful!

[@willbournerv2259]

Alternatively, change "I should be happier" to "Its okay for me to feel unhappy"

[@Amanda-vc1lp]

I really resonate with the message of this video. The "shoulds" in my life are things I've been trying to clean up for many years. Just finding the correct "should" cleaning tools now in my late 30s, and this video helped a lot. Thanks!

[@youkapalotbrah]

This lady has been the first person i found that can teach me how to apply these “formulas” or practices, whatever you want to call them :)

[@youkapalotbrah]

And i appreciate you for helping me to not feel this way, i am not going to say i appreciate you for being caring because it is just a job and at the end of the day you don’t care about the patient unless you feel a bond with them (not relationship) just a human interaction i guess but thank you.

[@davidk.7264]

you hit it right on the head. thanks

[@justachonkyspider]

Lol. It's a load of "should". Sorry I couldn't resist. Very true though having piles of "should" in your life does contribute to anxiety attacks. Thank you.

[@OnAllahwedependalways]

Your voice is unique. Thank you for the video🙏

[@alicialexists]

I realized that I have many should statements that interfere with my happiness. No wonder I keep feeling trapped. Thanks.

[@savannah_jorgensen]

So incredibly timely and helpful for where I am in life right now. Thank you so much for all these videos. Such a blessing 💕

[@galiiiiiiiii]

Your videos are so helpful, thank you so much

[@Bladeczek]

Just found your channel. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping others!

[@patrickmcdonald8513]

Excellent advice!

[@ZestyAqua]

Well, thank you for helping shake that should stank off myself. Appreciated. Was everywhere. PTSD sucks. It seriously sucks. You just are. Freaky, I was writing that relentless should stank off earlier then poof your video.

[@gopal1035]

Thank you madam.

[@foxywombat616]

thank you :)

[@BeYourUniquePotential]

Overly rigid rules are so damaging and often stem from some kind of complex trauma or PTSD from childhood or early adulthood. Lovely reminder here to not 'should' ourselves. Wishing you a happy holiday season. I hope you have some time off with your lovely family. Much love, Marie-Louise

[@diannasilva1918]

Thank you! Happy holidays.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Thanks Marie-Louise, Happy Holidays!

[@brokenheart1188]

@@TherapyinaNutshell While suffering in depression n worse anxiety,have lost all family,then faced more tragedies,😭😭, lost home,all wealth,...all left alone...Now suffering in much worse mental state,can,t manage myself,gone much worse,Life is hell torture,Doctors say that without strong caring support,it will b a miracle to recover for an alone mentaly upset person,so will anyone support me ,adopt for few months to recover😭😭😭?True. But what,s about those who have lost mental strength after facing constant shocks,life tragedies,no one alive to care😭😭,geting v worse mentaly sick...Can,t manage anything,doctors say that medicines work if some caring gurdian,caretaker will support then health improves...😭😭,but if no one cares,no one supports,such person remains in room whole time,can,t face people,can,t come out in day light,become worse mentally,physically,remain in unhygenic state which lead to more mental tortures so Suicide remains th only solution after loosing family,health,wealth,after loising a high grade multi national job then shocks kept on going,remain un employed for 4 years and have become worse sick😭😭,Lectures,advice work if someone truly supports to recover,God never comes ,He sends people to save such helpless person...I request the whole world to listen and urgently contact me as im suffering in vv severe mental tortures,neither die nor can live peacefully,brain power is expired😭😭,Respected listener,plzzz...Is there anyone who can take me away,save me,Adopt me for few months to recover,make sm true efforts to bring me back into normal life...By Swear,im in v worse hell mental ,physical state...Need an urgent true support

[@brokenheart1188]

@@TherapyinaNutshell It,s impossible 4 an alone person to recover from Schizophrenia😭😭,n major depression,crossing 40,Will you truly ,practically support an alone who has no one to care n cure,

[@MakeDemocracyMagnificientAgain]

I should have some time with my family, that should be lovely.

[@deity752]

These are really helpful tools, especially for those of us who tend to dwell on our mistakes in life, thinking "I should have" or "if only" over and over again. Thank you.

[@paromitadesarkar1677]

I am one of those. 😮‍💨

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Yeah, it's so easy to get caught up in "I should..." or regrets, hope its helpful

[@Nakia11798]

I try to replace it with "I'd like to"

[@annafranc8081]

Proof God exists: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5K8ZomsYsepopY

[@caryncoyle851]

I can totally relate

[@glenngibson9201]

I call it living in "SMOG." Should, Must, Ought, Got. I'm sure there are other words. I do this too many times. I'd forgotten about this. At this time of year it's all too easy for me to get lost in this type of distortion (any time really). Thanks for the reminder. And bringing up the history. That was interesting.

[@privateequityguy]

*"If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can't hear them..."* If you are reading this today, I hope you have an amazing day!

[@jelliemish]

when you said "when we stop resisting how we feel we give ourselves a chance to resolve how we feel", that's something I keep forgetting. I have a habit of trying to force any bad or strong feelings away, and then I just get into a spiral and come out of it exhausted in the end. thank you, this is a helpful video!

[@mordaciousfilms]

I've felt guilted about NOT being happy or grateful enough. Sometimes I feel disappointed and let down, and it can feel hard to recognize the good occurring. And then some well-meaning people may say to me, "You should be very grateful! You have a lot of good things going for you" and that can make me feel WORSE because then I think "Well what is wrong with me that I can't just BE HAPPY about where I am? Why can't I be grateful?' - I hate that!

[@TheBanana93]

Oh man the whole "You should be happy there is lots of good things" makes you feel better for maybe 30 secs and then I just think... well why am I not happy despite all of that? Just sends you into a spiral...

[@paulocoelho558]

"Stop putting so much energy into resisting reality" that really makes me think! I do the "should-ing on myself " thing a lot when trying to correct daily behaviors and trying to improve... I am going to re-think that and take this lesson! Thank you for the great advice Emma!!!

[@Toni_Snark]

In my 50’s and all the women in my family have been shoulding ourselves our entire lives! Along with always “sorryIng” for everything, even things we’re not responsible for.

[@kathymyers7279]

Same.

[@freshliving4199]

Where do you think you get your identity from?

[@Jo-lp1px]

Yes, I’m sorrys go right with it. For me it was a hyper rigid mom, even telling me what I did was bad for my health from a young age.

[@np100]

I think women are raised to believe that they are responsible for everything, especially making their spouse and children happy all of the time, especially for we older women. Hopefully, things are changing with the younger generations.

[@annafranc8081]

Proof God exists: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5K8ZomsYsepopY

[@allywallydd]

In high school, I had a teacher who always said, “Don’t should on others” (or yourself). It always stuck with me, and the older I get the more grateful I am that she shared that wisdom with us, and I hope other classmates found the value in it too. Thank you so much for sharing this, so I can share it with my friends as well!

[@misse2013]

I love your use of "should" and "should-ing"! This was really meaningful! Strawberries really should be cheaper than fries though 🤭 Love your hair! 🙌

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

I wish Strawberries were cheaper than fries! how would that be, the dollar menu on the drive-thru having strawberries on it! But who's going to pick them and truck them fresh to me for free? :) thanks for your comment!

[@Nakia11798]

I wish healthy food were cheaper. It's rather unfortunate.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

It's worth pointing out that while you gotta shop "in season" and learn about laying food up for future use (canning, freezing, dehydrating, etc...) There ARE farmers' markets where prices can be incredible and negotiable with trades, even just accepting that you may have to go to the field on your own for the stuff they wouldn't bring to market (because it's just not pretty)... I'd advise working together in groups, saving up the best you can, and either borrowing or renting if you must a large vehicle for each trip if you have to go very far. It's one of my favorite uses of U-Haul... or Ryder's... BUT start early and just take something like a full-size van for the first few trips, to get used to what's available. It's not difficult to catch up and get fairly well known with such places... Make contacts, trade phone numbers and be able to make requests... (like "Call me next month if those paw-paws drop. I'd love to come out and pick up about a bushel.") The unfortunate reality is that food doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive, but the infrastructure is about 80% of the problem. Marketing is another horrible invention... Break this habit of looking for the prettiest fruits and vegetables when you're produce shopping... Some tomatoes aren't going to be pretty, perfectly red, or round... Romas are small and ovals... but one of the most consistently flavorful even in the stores... AND just because a whole case of tomatoes are lumpy, pinkish, and have streaks of yellow-green, it doesn't mean they're not healthy or delicious... Kinda the same with anything, even strawberries... AND toward the end of the season, so long as you don't mind soft-spots and funny looking strawberries, it's not difficult to gather and freeze a multitude for later... Might not be perfect, but slushy-strawberries and a splash of brown sugar can brighten a mood in the dead of winter... AND at least you KNOW what's been done to preserve them... ;o)

[@666bro]

A few hours before this video was posted I was making some music lyrics and I wrote: how many shoulds are ruling your life, keeping you from finding what you looking for? Always auspicious, thanks for the vids Emma

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

awesome timing!

[@BallisticTomato]

What also hurts is "I should have" leaves no room for improvement whatsoever. It puts the spotlight on something I did or didn't do and because it's already done or not done I have no recourse for betterment.

[@lifecoachakramm5427]

Thanks Emma this was an awesome one ! you know one thing came to my mind while i was watching this video, is that “ should / shouldn’t “ i think are mostly used to satisfy others more than we do for ourselves ! 😬 which is a kind of the way we have been raised & programmed.. Anyways thank you again & waiting for your next one 😅🌺🌹🙏🏻

[@DarkS1ayer100]

It's so incredibly true! We're raised to seek acceptance, validation and approval that when anything goes wrong or "isn't part of the plan" that our mind tends to find explanations including blaming ourselves. Things like "If only I had done this instead of that" or "I should've listened to so and so"... or my personal "favorite" comparing what/who was to who/what currently is (comparing bad relationships of our pasts to our healthy relationships of the present). We are our own worst enemy, so we have to find ways to treat ourselves better, otherwise we risk the cycle of "shoulds", "if onlys", or worse "what if".

[@lifecoachakramm5427]

@@DarkS1ayer100 thanks well said 👍🏻🙏🏻

[@vinireads]

That “strawberries should be cheaper than french fries” really got me and now I’m in a should-loop

[@annafranc8081]

Proof God exists: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5K8ZomsYsepopY

[@christineewing3492]

From someone who has cPTSD, being compassionate and kind to myself is very much a work in progress. I was listening to an audiobook on this topic, and the question was raised, "We can show compassion and kindness to other people and sentient beings, so why are some of us unable to show it to ourselves?" This implies that we think we are unworthy. I am learning, albeit slowly, that I am worthy of self-compassion. Thank you for this video.

[@prosperenfantinylosgeograf2721]

That reminds me of the emotional first aid by guy winch. In it he does the though experiment where you mess up at work and call a friend to talk about it because you feel bad, and your friend says "of course you messed up, you're worthless", etc. And of course you're shocked because you would never keep a friend who treats you like that/talk to a friend like that. But we accept that sort of talk from ourselves.

[@Vikette1000]

I love how you conflate the word "should" with a less palatable one. It's effective! I was just thinking of New Year's resolutions and the pile of "should" became overwhelming quickly.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Yeah, it's a subtle joke in the CBT/Therapy community...I didn't invent the idea myself, but I like it

[@stevecarter8810]

On new years resolutions, I've found a real change by making resolutions to treat myself or be kinder to myself rather than to do or somehow "be" better. So instead of resolving to get fit, bhs instead of resolving to run every day I might resolve to be kind to myself when I don't feel like running. It's really closely related to the subject matter of this video now I think about it. Happy holidays and may your resolutions lead to good things for you and those you care for.

[@wellnowdave]

I place too much expectation on myself. I’m learning to accept things aren’t always perfect and that Things happen as they are in the present moment. I don’t need to judge myself or others. I can do things ‘70% well’ rather than 100%. Life isn’t about jumping from one perfect thing to another. It’s about being intentional about the things we care about and doing those to things as well as we in the flow of the present moment

[@jessicam3707]

I literally almost completely cured my depression overnight by just allowing myself to do and think whatever I felt. I gave myself permission to uproot my life and do whatever the hell I wanted to, and realized that given my circumstances, I didn’t want to. The problem wasn’t the shame, I just didn’t have enough internal motivation to get me to do things. Now my life is full of me being motivated to do everything I want to. I got a great job and turned my life around in 1 month

[@jessicam3707]

Things that you said gave me the idea for the type of meditation I did that completely turned everything around for me. I just feel my feelings as they are, and see what they want me to do

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

that's such a fascinating approach, I love it

[@youtubename7819]

I have been really shocked at what happened when I accepted my anger and lashed out. I was surprised how well people took it and how good I felt about myself. Everything in moderation - even tantrums! I wasn’t equanimous, I was stifled, and now I’m better!

[@jessicam3707]

@@youtubename7819 That’s great if that approach has let you be less repressed and isn’t causing you to lash out in ways that make you feel guilty or unjustified later. With my meditative approach, I allow myself to feel all the various feelings involved first before I decide how to act, and that way I’m not impulsive with my approach and I’m also not repressing anything, just realizing that I can have various emotions about the same thing

[@lock_checker4342]

@@jessicam3707 reminds me of the Addams Family song: "Happy/Sad" about full acceptance of mixed emotions about a father's daughter getting married

[@allywallydd]

In high school, I had a teacher who always said, “Don’t should on others” (or yourself). It always stuck with me, and the older I get the more grateful I am that she shared that wisdom with us, and I hope other classmates found the value in it too. Thank you so much for sharing this, so I can share it with my friends as well!

[@ekemp9216]

Oof this is one I've been wrestling with lately. I "should" be able to be on too of everything, but this helps me realize that I am choosing to be gentle with myself instead of pleasing the ever-present judgy narrative constantly running through my head.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

yeah, something I'm working on too

[@jonmars9559]

"When we leave piles of 'should' everywhere in our lives"? Emma, can I quote you on that? I'm pretty sure that's the best line I'm going to hear all day.

[@jleach3413]

I should myself, and when I don't show up accordingly, I guilt myself. I just caught myself and made it a rule to stop. If I should be doing anything...I would be. If I'm not...that's ok. This is my argument with reality. When I'm arguing with reality, I always lose. 🤙

[@zenowachtig]

Credits to Emma for being such a good presenter. She explains a sensitive subject in such a refreshing and positive way. Great video!

[@adu1991]

Stop SHOULD-ing on yourself. I see what you did there 😉 Thanks for the vid!

[@lauragreysonmckidd8884]

'The only way to stop caring is to give up on our life purpose' Life changing words ❤❤

[@devonthedisciple]

"I should have done better." Rather than saying this self defeating statement, try to turn regret into a lesson. Try "How can I learn from this?".

[@EZ-mp9kn]

"Don't should yourself" sounded like "don't sh** yourself" to me throughout this video, but I knew that couldn't be the case! But in a brilliant, funny, and dark humor type of way if you should yourself all the time you're basically sh**ing on yourself the value you hold, the work you're doing, and digging yourself in a deeper hole. Thank you for the awesome video and clear instructions on how to move away from sh**ing on myself lol

[@TheBanana93]

I think that was the point its a play on words haha

[@EZ-mp9kn]

@@TheBanana93 oh 😔. Well maybe my comment helped someone who’s first language isn’t English or something like that 🤷‍♀️

[@latifx3944]

Lol, I thought the same. Maybe its the way she pronounces it, because reading and hearing produced two different thoughts 😂. Intentional or not, super funny!

[@TopGun_-]

Wishing everyone peaceful thoughts and tranquil feelings. Learn to just be still and let life happen. Trust that this will all come together very soon. Meanwhile, know that you are loved and all of us here are pulling for you. Let go and relax right now, knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment in time.

[@jowyschwarz313]

"Depressed" Society: you should be happy and smile!

[@toddbr5959]

Easy to say hard to do! I'm 30 year's old. I live in Greece.Suffering from depression (i think) for several years. I don't have money to go to a therapist. Didn't know what to do with my life.Still living with my parents,and I'm trying to find my own place but i can't afford anything alone. Never i was interesting on something particular except playing soccer. I believe I've wasted most of my years of thinking what I'm good to and trying to get a girl to like me. Never had a relationship with a girl. I have only hook ups for 2-3 months and then I'm acting needy (that's what they say.) and then they dump me. I hate my life. I hate being alone. If i didn't had my parents I don't know if i would be alive. I'm not saying those things for anyone to feel sorry for me cause i know there are people in worst situations. I'm just searching for a way out or a miracle. Always I'm thinking what if i did that or this. I hate seeing the look of my parents thinking that I'm a looser cause most of my cousin's or friends are in a better position than me. I don't know what to expect anymore from life. I expect the worst all the time.

[@ZabXyzx]

This is my life! Everything. And i have fibromyalgia on top so i cant even keep a job . Hopefully things work out .

[@barbarastclair9429]

I came across this video and I almost didn't watch it. I am so glad I did. The information is very helpful and the steps for change are straightforward. I will write them down and use them. Thank you. I appreciate the honest self acknowledgement as well. No matter who we are, but especially women, we are a work in progress. Oh and I hit the subscribe button. I look forward to your other helpful videos too. You are a beautiful soul.

[@Tatsuya.Strength]

I feel like sometimes it’s not all about forcing that aggressive motivation to awaken so,you can perform to a standard you think you like better. Maybe taking time to see the reality for what it really is and making subtle but still meaningful moves to gradually incorporate necessary change can leave a more lasting impact and lift more weight off of you. I enjoy all of these videos because I actually learn to include what is being my own life. Being fourteen, it’s helped me grow and expand my mind. As a result, my mind is a bit ahead and I can adapt to what comes my way. Much gratitude for this content.

[@TheBanana93]

Well reading this I didn't expect it to be written by a 14 year old. You have a brain!

[@louis.p808]

“Why are we should-ing all over ourselves?” - Sex and the City, 2004

[@paromitadesarkar1677]

This wonderful Lady is a boon to so many troubled souls ❤. A very happy holidays to you and your family Dr. Mcadam.

[@benbelzer8303]

I think a lot of mine stems from procrastination and envy. Putting things into action and just being happy right now are two of my big solutions. Also being better at investing my money will help too.

[@clairepare3510]

Wishing you a blessed Christmas and sending thanks for all the wonderful videos you have done for us this year

[@llandriell]

My mum has should on herself and the family, for as long as I can remember. As a child, the need to be unnaturally good/tidy/helpful/quiet/doing activities through should left little mental space for anything else. Although ‘should’ is a red flag for the user, when used so often it feels weaponised. I only realised this could be an issue a couple of months ago (I am now 33). Talking with my mum: realising that we had been just chatting, she gives me a list of things ‘we’ should be doing. I told her that when she used words like ‘should’, ‘must’ or ‘have to’ discouraging. She looked terribly upset. Watching this video I now understand how deep this runs. Something so seemingly small can have such a huge and damaging effect. Thank you, you have given me much to think about.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Thanks for your comment and personal application...yes it can be so hard to separate an honest striving to be better with overly rigid rules that lead to never feeling good enough...we can all just keep working on it a little bit and make small progress over time, it will add up :)

[@fatimarizvi1270]

omg thanks for sharing! yes, i realized today i was SHOULD ing on myself and tbh alot of it came from my mom who is always judging me (God helps all of us heal and find peace). Its hard bc we are so conditioned to SHOULD ourselves but ir;l, we now know we do nOT need to SHOULD ourselves. its good to take the pressure off and allow oursleves to be. whatever happened in reality is what SHOULD have happened, hence that is why it happened. we cannot make up our own idea in our head regarding what SHOULD have happened.

[@freshliving4199]

Can you see that when your mother got “terribly upset” it was simply her way of trying to impose her will on you again? Just as she did with you as a child. Edit What’s interesting is when she did that, was she able to guilt?…get you to judge yourself?…control you?

[@freshliving4199]

@@fatimarizvi1270 Your mother judging you is on her head. Just as you judging her is on your head. Can you see that for you to be free from her, all you have to do is stop judging her?

[@angelchild4942]

Interesting, I inadvertently should-ed on my children while raising them. I just sent a message to my teen about where she should be Christmas day. Oops, wrong approach, again. Darn

[@annieperez2510]

thanks for the information, very helpful . How do we ignore other people shoulding us? For example, close family members, or friends saying you should have..., or the fine undertone from our society that makes us think we should be somewhere in our lives (career , family, money , etc) ?

[@witcheater]

I will replay this video (maybe many times) so that the information highlighted gets better highlighted in my thought processes. Doing something once does not make something habitual in thought for me... especially when one such as I is trying to overturn an unhealthy-for-me habit.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Yeah, it takes consistent effort to re-wire the brain, but you can do it!

[@witcheater]

@@TherapyinaNutshell Listened again. This time it brought up memories of my early Catholic indoctrinations via my parents and the Church. "I should" was so very important... to making me feel bad about everything I did or did not do. I have cleared(?) many from my ongoing mindset, but there are still remnants of those... conditionings. My parents are long gone so I can effectively blame them any longer (for they were not really to blame save for not thinking about and evaluating what they passed on to me). So it is all, as in totally, up to me, even if I were to use the professionalism of a therapist. That being that, for whatever reason I had, I chose before I decided to compose and share this comment, to list once again to listen to "How to release emotions trapped in your body". It is like with nutrition, it not just one thing is this human creature, it is many things all linked together. So, it is that nutrients of one sort need other nutrients and those do things together with other things to do things good-ish, so to it is with the mind and my way of thinking(?...l or lack of thinking?). Look, I am above 65 and "should be not working a job but be on Social Security"... hahaha... enter the "should be". But I am and I want to be and I am okay with it... but, I hear that indoctrination... those whispers. I am single and unattached but for some reason chose to move out of an apartment into a house. I have found inspiration in some KZbinrs for me to do things I want to do that I can only do for having a residence that is not an apartment. As with starting a certain type of business, is it all about location, location, location???

[@countessbathory5360]

Thank you, this is something my therapist catches me out on all the time 'There you go with your "shoulds" again' and although she doesn't word it as such, she helps me with the notice, pause, explore, clarify and act process. I've just discovered your channel and realising how much of the things you talk about are things she says makes me grateful to have a good therapist.

[@boryman2999]

Unfortunately I use should-ing to schedule and manage task in time. I have been recently been taking vitamin D and getting active outdoors, help alot with the serotonin, and chowing down an Omega-3-6-9 Trail mix, and Pomfu in my soups. Berries and nuts make a difference!

[@pritirobynross7911]

CAN YOU MAKE A VIDEO ON PROCRASTINATION?? There are def shoulds connected to it... but I’m missing some understanding about this behavior. Can you talk about what causes it as well as some clear action steps that you usually provide to overcome this behavior. Thank YOU!! You are brilliant, so clear and wise. Thank you XO

[@FLdancer00]

I used to do this. I would think that I've should've done more that day. But the fact is, I didn't, it's now 10pm and the day is over, no use worrying about. I think of the 2 things I DID get done and realize those are 2 less things I don't have to do tomorrow.

[@BlueHeart7720]

I LOVE you!!! Thank you for all of your helpful advice and tools. THIS was spot on in my journey right now. I am so grateful. May GOD bless you and your great work. I hope you have a very Merry and blessed Christmas with your family and truly with my whole heart, I Thank you my sister. In CHRIST, Dorothy

[@Cara4288]

But did you say shit at all and have to re-record lol?? Cuz it’s impressive

[@rebeccajones8628]

You are an awesome coach for me. Thank you so much. Love and light to you!

[@brybaby89]

Doesn't help when society as a whole places ridiculous expectations that can be mistook as the only way. "You shouldn't eat gluten." "You should always be working." "You shouldn't care what people think." And then, because so many people are programmed in these beliefs we feel fucked up, because the general people's ideals, don't work for, and might even be harmful to, us. Then, the cycle continues.

[@robertmadison1205]

A simple way to take ownership is to say "I want to" instead. Instead of "I should study more", say "I want to study more".

[@DianeZyrix]

Saying "I could.." instead of "I should.." really empowers you! My main language is spanish so I naturally translated this, and our word for "Could" ("Poder") literally means Power. In spanish "I can do something" literally means "I have the power to do something" 💪😃. On the other hand, the word "Should" in spanish ("Deber") means "to owe something". Owe something to who? Lol

[@TheGuitmer]

"Break the Rules" by William D Boyd is an excellent guide on how to replace the unconscious rule based language with value based language to stop the negative emotions that we feel when our unconscious rules are broken

[@Proposal12]

Would´ve Should´ve is past tense, you can´t change the past, it already happened. >Focus on what you can in the moment, it´s very hard, do-able. I still have depression regardless of these statements, so could you eleborate more on this?

[@VictoriaMorganawesometori]

I'm going to get "There is no should" tattooed on me in 2022. I've been wanting to get it tattooed for many years. Love to see others in the mental health community feel the same way I do about this word!

[@yalta5060]

🙏🙏

[@annafranc8081]

Proof God exists: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5K8ZomsYsepopY

[@georginarandolphgirl66]

I do alot of shoulding while going through this severe depression and GAD like I should be better by now, I shouldn't fear aging alone and more loss even though that has been an underlying fear since I was a child because of loss and abuse at thst age. Now that my mom is 95 I dread losing her and my husband and should be working but not well enough yet but a part of does't want to but I should etc I wish that I could just turn that fear off and move forward and accept aging, loss and death. I hardly leave my house. On new meds and try to pray and bring myself to the present but I can't make those thoughts go away or accept them. A part of me wants to get better and a part of me doesn't. It doesn't make sense. Councelling is so expensive. Starring EMDR again in Jan.

[@arjee9703]

Read " The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle." God is in control. You never need to worry.

[@videoettaceo8900]

Praying for you and for all of us during these exceptionally hard times 🙏🏻❤️

[@georginarandolphgirl66]

@@arjee9703 I have that book but hard to read and remember things.

[@ShazWag]

Not sure why, but for some reason your remind me of Zara Phillips (yes, The Queen's granddaughter) 👑 😆

[@shay8183]

You are the best! Everyone should watch you 😁

[@shererid]

I SHOULD stop watching too many KZbin videos...

[@michaelmoss6590]

I call it "Shoulditis" (not dissimilar to "musterbating")

[@emmahank]

Haha yep. I’ve started writing that video…

[@rishabhpurohit2663]

didn't know it was pronounced "horn-eye", reminded me of the time when I had to read her name in high school psychology class and made everyone laugh xD

[@especialistaemnada718]

You should stop should-ing yourself

[@kryskay989]

I'm sorry this is totally unrelated to the video but did you intentionally organize your books by color tone, or is that a happy accident?

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

yes, currently they're organized by color...I'm probably going to reorganize them by subject, but I thought it looked better in the background this way :)

[@nazlimerick3395]

Funny how I first read « schuldig », guilty/culprit in German 🤔. Never realised the closeness of those 2 words before

[@origamisensei]

The past tense is even worse! “Should have,” “could have,” and “would have” are some of the most frustrating phrases for me. I’ll need to listen to this a few times to wrestle out what I think and how this is affecting me, but boy do I appreciate having this called out. I was just thinking how counterproductive it has been in my life to be told I should have done something. It focuses on the abstraction of the badness of something I failed to do, frozen in the past and unfixable. The awful feeling is held up as motivation to make things better in the future, which is also abstract, and it’s all presented as a simple 1-step process - you just CHANGE, and then (the promise goes) you can stop feeling miserable with yourself. There’s nothing motivating about any of this. The incentive offered and the path to get there both feel really, really inadequate. Thank you for pointing out some nicer alternatives!

[@nerdalert2782]

I needed this video today. So glad I saw this video!! Thanks so much. As someone who's currently unable to get help via therapy, these videos have helped me tremendously.

[@CamilaFuentes0227]

This came at such a good time. I started the year getting sick because my body couldn't handle anymore all the pressure I was putting into myself. I didn't know anything about shoulding before, but now I can see that I was definitely doing it and it contributed to me feeling terrible.

[@senitrajenkins1667]

I so needed to see this 😍 I appreciate it so much 💗 thanks you!!

[@ashleyalexandermorris9645]

This is awesome! I’ve always wondered why I’ve felt *more* paralyzed when I’ve thought that I should be doing something. I bet my son feels that way when I tell him he should be doing something.

[@camster185]

I’ve just come across your channel today and I’m glad I did!

[@CodeShudder]

That's a sneaky one. This innocent looking "I should" mindset is often imposed by people that want to help you. Be careful about giving or taking advice.

[@duaneanderson9238]

I substitute the word “need” a lot. But I really mean should. Great tips!

[@shenedadenney8649]

Completely off the subject- your hair looks great this length and the dark colored shirt suits you. I have a little beauty shop and I notice these things lol

[@SaltedMallows]

This auto played for me and I thought she said she started Shitting on herself. Nearly spat out my drink.

[@the_ramann]

AAAAAAND I AM WATCHING THIS ON 1st DAY OF NEW YEAR 😮‍💨😮‍💨

[@seriousoldman8997]

This behaviour leads to 'hardening of the oughteries'.

[@jdt8983]

Going to replace my shoulder coulda wouldas with coulda coulda couldas

[@hereticartist574]

I should stop using “should”. Oh, wait…

[@christinasabo3617]

Exactly what I needed in this moment, as I sit here beating myself up for feeling like I need a break today when I "should" be preparing our homeschool lessons for the day and making a nutritious breakfast and vacuuming the house and folding the laundry. I'm weaning off my antidepressant and just feel down today with the dreary, cold weather and marriage struggles that I can't immediately fix. And that's ok. I'm going to stop fighting these feelings and instead give myself the kindness and grace I would extend to a friend.

[@Johny40Se7en]

Very interesting title, and there's a lot of truth in that. Considering how 'should' means past tense, and that's where depression ALWAYS comes from. Getting caught in your own vicious cycle of negative thoughts about the past. "woulda coulda shoulda" 😅😝 Focus on the present and what good you can do in it 👍

[@hpatel1748]

Your videos are so clear and to the point. Just makes my mind lighter.

[@TherapyinaNutshell]

Happy to hear that!

[@davidbean6973]

I should stop saying "should" all the time(!)

[@subhamkumar16]

We are constantly torn between "what if" and "should have".

[@annafranc8081]

Proof God exists: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5K8ZomsYsepopY

[@aquagrape7839]

“Shoulding on ourselves” I love this video so much

[@ogbeethoven1588]

My issue is looking to the past and saying "I should have..." Lots of depression hooked to regret.

[@dpilcher]

What a great way to thinking about this. Thank you for helping me understand how I’m ‘shoulding’ all over the place. I’m going to get a scoop and start to clean up this mess.

[@ABB14-11]

Emma, great video as always. You look great by the way! Nice hair and dress :) Merry Christmas to you and your family! Thank you for all the blessings I've received through you this year!

[@JaysonT1]

I really should take her advice.

[@deniseoatleyhall5268]

Great artice! Thanks, this helped.