A Test to Judge How Good Your Parents Were

Having had a good enough parent is a vital component of mental health in adulthood. But what really is a good enough parent? How can one tell if one had one or not? This film guides us as to what might have gone very right - and sometimes very wrong - in our childhoods.
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FURTHER READING
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"Strangely, and rather awkwardly, it seems no human being can ever really grow up sane unless it has been loved very deeply by someone for a number of years in its early life. But we’re still learning what parental love might actually involve. The word ‘love’ trips lightly off the tongue and few parents - even the most disagreeable ones - would ever resist a claim that they felt the emotion deeply, but that doesn’t mean that loving behaviour is any easier to understand in theory or practice in reality… "
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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[@tannaha7999]

Parents would say "she never gives us any trouble, she's perfectly obedient". I used to take this as a compliment. Until I grew older and realised I was obedient out of fear, not respect.

[@jazzylovesth]

This!! Everytime i see a calm obedient child, I always assume something must be wrong and most of the time there is.

[@haleemahsaida9772]

Me too, and it's not good.

[@brandynlovett4054]

@Anne Robinson I'm 18 and I'm here to tell you, I had cruel parents. Now I am obedient to people that I don't even know out of fear and I'm breaking free kf these chains.

[@taylortheyummy]

I was the same way

[@b00gyman1]

A while ago I've seen a drawing on reddit the parent was saying to her child "When you grow up I want you to be assertive, independent and strong willed. But while you're a kid I want you to be passive, pliable and obedient." It was posted on r/CPTSD

[@0Tikrimoos0]

I once lost my favorite hair tie at a public pool when I was about 5. My parents did everything they could to find it, but they never did. I am forever grateful they really tried to understand my sadness.

[@angelacavon4073]

Lucky…

[@evarinagarmguardian113]

Brian Reagan had a point when comparing a dropped balloon to a lost wallet.

[@objetovoadornaoidentificad8157]

I once forgotten my umbrella at school when I was 8. My mother spanked me. Next day, I brought the umbrella to home and my mother spanked me with the umbrella ...

[@oohehoohahahtingtang1232]

I once broke my nose clip at the pool, at around the same age. I got yelled at, screamed at, was told it was for babies and was told I didn't really need it. I'm in my 30s, I don't swim.

[@metishan-9ol656]

I forgot my pencil at school one day and my dad and mom shouted a whole ton of shit at me to a point where I broke down crying and telling them to not say such things (but, they did). I was eventually consoled by the school security :'). Yea, that's when I realised it's truly fvcked up.

[@wolfsydproductions9082]

The motto I made for myself to live by is "Be the adult you needed as a kid"

[@Latency345]

I learned that from an anime. Life lessons with Uramichi-oniisan. Highly recommended. Very funny, and very heartwarming.

[@MrNoot39449]

A lesson I learned early

[@Original50]

Pow! Thank you for that simple wisdom. ❤

[@muleqeloko]

thats a good one, ill keep it with me as i grow older

[@eramires]

Thats a bad advice, that's what my dad did to me. He was never allowed on the street when he was a kid, he would watch others play, while he was locked inside. He set me free to go out and do whatever I wanted, this started when I was 7 years old, turns out the street is not safe, I was abused several times, beaten, abducted, forced to commit crimes by other kids, etc. It was horrible. 😞 I wish my dad was not the adult he needed.

[@TheTSense]

If you don't care about the small things, your kids wouldn't inform you about big things. Because to them, it has always been big things, and you always dismissed them.

[@carolinekamya2339]

profound

[@binablob]

absolutely true

[@mandar13579]

Such a beautiful way to put it

[@arc-michaelr9580]

Explains me perfectly.

[@brnrik500]

U learn to be invisable.

[@brunoboaz7656]

After seeing this video and reviewing my childhood, I have concluded that Tarzan was lucky to have been raised by apes.

[@bobjacobson858]

LOL!

[@AmitRoy-mx2vu]

This one killed me.

[@treasuretroves5497]

😂😂😂

[@brandonkoh8361]

Return to monke

[@mihaifaur3715]

man that hit harder than my mom

[@nevis2698]

I legitimately cried at the forgiveness point. When a parent can't even forgive their child for knocking over a glass of water, let alone other things, how is that child supposed to learn how to forgive itself for anything. Am I speaking from experience? Who knows...

[@audreychan8971]

I was raised like that. Knocking à glass of juice, get spanked or yelled at. Playing too loud, get yelled at. Laughing too much or loudly ''change the way you laugh, it's ugly, it doesn't suit you'' Now, 23, i can't forgive myself when I make a mistake at work for days and making sure nobody get angry at me or be disappointed of me. It's fucking hard

[@franacha]

Same for me, here, I ended up doing everything that shadow in the wall did

[@SobrietyandSolace]

GodI remember dropping a bottle of milk and I was so scared when I heard my parents coming I scrambled to pick up the pieces and they just got angrier at me for soaking my school uniform in blood. Every tiny little thing I ever did, or things I supposedly did wrong but didn't understand, my dad would say threatening things like 'I've marked your card'. Like a permanent record or something.

[@sugarkitty2008]

To this day, age 26, I don't understand forgiving yourself. I can't even hold a job. It starts fine, but I make a little mistake here and there. The stress and self loathing of each one adds up until I'm depressed and a nervous wreck. When it gets suicidal after about 1-2 months of working that job, I have to quit. I've gone through it enough now I'm too scared to even attempt work any more. I'm so scared of failure, I rarely try new things and I'm also too scared to even try a relationship with someone. I'd probably just let them down and hurt them. I'd feel horrible.

[@softia9]

My mom got so mad that I spilled my milk while pouring it into a cup on a really high table with no stool. She didn’t talk for days. I was 7. I also was told that if my smile was ugly, I shouldn’t smile or I should cover it with my hand. I still cover it with my hand to this day lol

[@I-want-to-break-free]

I cried through this whole video, it made me understand the quote "Maybe I wasn't a terrible person, maybe I was just 15" My parents weren't abusive, but even calling them ok-ish would be generous

[@veronicavlad5250]

I hope you're okay rn 🫂

[@Ap_code]

All of this but mine were abusive

[@hazelmint6671]

❤

[@myworstbehaviour]

same

[@ackerjawaka4742]

I would have preferred Fred and Rose West as parents instead of the 2 f-cking idiots I was smitted with, dead and buried in the garden would have been sweet relief instead the living hell I was living 😜 glad that's off my chest as I'm between therapists at the moment 😜

[@itsnemosoul8398]

Also, showing interest in your child is so often forgotten. Ask them about what they enjoy and what they are doing and what they are dreaming of. Many parents project their own image of their child into the child without actually showing interest in what the child wants to portray. It can make a child feel quite unimportant if parents are too involved with themselves.

[@zoruasnivy]

My parents, especially my dad, lost interest in my hobbies when it wasn't something they were interested in anymore, and I have even been scolded for having them. It's always made me incredibly jealous of people whose parents actually try to engage in their hobbies and interests. I wish my parents had more time for me rather than watching Stargate for the hundredth time. As a result, I have grown very secretive and shy over my hobbies and personal life. My mom says I have drifted away from her and only spend time on my hobbies, but doesn't realise it is because she never wanted to interact with my interests. I enjoy spending time with my parents but it often feels like I play second fiddle

[@sew_gal7340]

Ohhh i hated that when i was a kid, i remember LOVING dinosaurs to death, and always dreamed of being a paleontologist (still do)...my parents used to tell me i shouldnt be interested in science because i am too stupid to ever be successful in that field. And to be honest i was quite a stupid child so i believed them. Later in life i graduated in biochemistry from uni just so i could show myself that i can indeed be smart

[@itsnemosoul8398]

@sew_gal7340 Good for you! For me it was the extreme opposite. My parents always told me how brilliant I was and how I could do anything easily in life, so I studied law to prove to them that I would suffer (which I did)😂

[@hasturthekinginyellow5003]

​@@zoruasnivywhen i was little reading and drawing were my favourite things to do, i would read for hours, draw gor even more, and my parents always showed interest in my drawings and the books i read, that is until i reached a certain age; halfway through primary school drawing became a waste of time, when i entered highschool reading anything unrelated to class was literally prohibited, when i took an art class in college my mother would always critique me for "wasting your time with that foolish activity, after all, you won't become an artist, do you?" I lost my ability to feel excitement guilt-free by that time, after that, every pleasure became a guilty pleasure, wverytimw i wasn't slaving away academically a little voice in my head wouldn't shut up about me wasting time; bathing was a waste of time, eating too, even sleeping. You wouldn't believe what you can survive, how long without eating, how long without sleeping.

[@steeveedragoon]

It took me way too long to realize that people can be interested in the things I like, even if they don't necessarily understand what it is. Growing up I lived with my grandparents, and they never cared about what I found interesting. Now I have a hard time opening up to anyone, and I can be very distrustful of people I don't know.

[@xekind]

Hugs to all the abused children who made it to adulthood.

[@Ahbhswrzq9221]

Still trying to heal and scared of being a parent don’t want to give my child other than the best

[@mariaa7273]

sometimes i wish i didn't but thank you. things like this help me stay

[@valroseyon7092]

​@@Ahbhswrzq9221yeah same , adulthood and being a parent scares me too ...I don't want anyone to suffer as much as me because of me if I ever lost control or just became bad parent or if I ever unconsciously projected my bad childhood experiences on them.

[@catsarelit5305]

Only 7 years then I get a hug AHHhHhh

[@samo917]

Yeah all the best to fellow folks who went through it in childhood. Its affected every aspect of my life personally.

[@kayleighbrown459]

I remember when I was younger, a lot of parents used to joke to my parents about a rebelion phase and my parents always just kinda shrugged because I never really had one. I never felt the need to rebel. I always from day one felt respected and that my opinions mattered. Yeah, I pushed boundaries, but I never felt the need to rebel because there wasn't anything to rebel against.

[@angelacavon4073]

Lucky…

[@taleseylad1249]

there are a few times I bend the rules but for the most part I don't feel the need to rebel

[@kayleighbrown459]

@@Roswell33 Yeah. Pretty much. My mum wasn't really a judgy person and my dad was and still is the kinda guy that doesn't give a fuck. In a good way. As long as I was happy and not hurting anyone, I could do what I wanted. don't hurt anyone was a pretty easy rule to live by.

[@jammadan]

Thank your lucky stars, I'm glad for you

[@aina3387]

Same! For instance, my parents didn't like piercings but I wanted pierced ears, so for my 16th birthday my dad bought me a nice set of earrings for pierced ears just to show we could disagree and he would still be supportive.

[@geoeira]

basically: before becoming a good parent, you must become a good person

[@shrodu]

Mine isn't.

[@queenpanda26]

Not really no, a bad person can be a good parent it's just extremely rare.

[@shrodu]

@EnderSultan See Gru and Bowser. Both are villains. Both are also good fathers. Killer Moth is also a villain and tries to be a good father...even if his daughter is spoiled rotten.

[@jacquelinemuqui]

Being a parent is about ACCEPTANCE

[@MrBoost96]

Word man, unfortunately this rules was never respected because of traditions, religions and whatever stupid reasons, bringing people to make new lives with the same Lightness like to buy a new microwave

[@gosiamalaczek]

I was a mediator between my parents, and always heard they were gonna divorce. they were both strong headed so I had to put in a good word to both of them about the other and was a messenger. Parentification is real, and it messes with your head.

[@dyan785]

Same 😢

[@Harkz0r]

I was this with my mother after her divorce, with her new partners. She was bad at expressing herself and often misinterpreted what other people meant. It was exhausting. After a certain point, I realised I wasn't responsible for her happiness, and I wouldn't always be around to help her, so I took some distance. For both our sakes.

[@nerdygem8620]

Same, I'm still doing it in my 20s. I'd love a spouse and kids but I'm terrified I'd pass on my trauma to them.

[@gracelam2624]

@@nerdygem8620you spoke my mind

[@gracelam2624]

I instead have to put on different faces in front of them coz they are divorced. I’ve to be on my dad side when with my dad and vice verse. It really messes with you. Let alone my dad had a partner before and my mom hv one now. They used to shout at each other on phone and when they can’t handle the argument, they’d hand the phone to me, and shout at me to get his or her msg across, I was 10 On top of it my mom was an emotional time bomb and my dad was playing a victim where he thinks both his kids (me and my young sis) are taken away from him, not really he got to see us 2 days a week And obviously they are both emotionally unstable and unavailable. I’m in my late 20s and I’ve been diagnosed of depression and anxiety since 21. Haven’t had a perm job coz even part time job makes me anxious like crazy. When you’ve been told “you’re not good enough” by your mom almost your whole life and hv identity crisis, it’s hard I wish to hv kids but the more I read the comment, the more I feel like I might just pass down my trauma to them

[@starwie]

My mom has never told me she was angry at me or didnt like me when i was behaving bad she always made sure to say "i am angry at your behavior" or "i dont like what you are saying" and when i think back thats pretty special

[@softia9]

Wow. My parents were always “I’m so angry at YOU.” I watched a video on KZbin (obviously lol) and it showed that kids who grew up with “I’m angry with your BEHAVIOR and how you ACT” have more self esteem and kids who grew up with “I’m angry at YOU and how YOU act” have significantly less and develop more mental health issues

[@summero-my5in]

@Mary's Mother ew, you're describing my mother

[@suhae2175]

@DarthShuaider DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE ABOUT RACE NOWADAYS GOSH

[@yumisy111]

i’m so happy for you! i wish my mom did that :’) she usually directed the blame at me

[@Reflox1]

@DarthShuaider So, non-whites make bad parents?

[@Joanie_47]

It’s nice to find a comment section that understands that trauma doesn’t always mean physical abuse. It’s far more commonly psychological.

[@kenney2pimpin10]

And a lil truck load of physical

[@WillLedgerMusic]

Or sexual, at least in my case. Talking about Psychological and Sexual abuse are the types of abuse that people say "makes them feel uncomfortable." Yeah, well try living a day as me with all of the nightmares, flashbacks so real that I can feel what I felt during the events, etc. I could write a novel. Thank you for bringing this to light though. It really warms my heart when people actually take the time to say something and make people aware.

[@bazzfromthebackground3696]

Or emotional...

[@malex8650]

Yep… so many parents think they’re great parents for not physically abusing their kids but mentally destroy them

[@qwertyJ94]

@@malex8650 Omfg this so true. My dad was an alcoholic and growing up was turbulent. But my mom says, "at least he never hit you" lol as if that makes it better

[@michaeldigregorio7415]

I think a big thing that is overlooked is that to a newborn every thing is new, so when they have a very minor bad thing happen, it is literally the worst thing they've ever been through so their immense reaction is justified. To us who have been on the world a lot longer and have seen much worse things, the huge terrible thing for the kid is pretty mundane making us less sympathetic to the kids literal worst moment at that time which can result in the kiddo seeing us as mean parents.

[@hurricane7800]

Hey, that’s actually a really good point! 😊

[@nudibranch1379]

Very well put. Thank you!

[@SK-tk6bi]

You say you are aware that, in the moment, the bad thing that happened appears to the child as if it is the worst thing that has happened to him. So what do you think should be the reaction of the parent towards the child's distress? That is really the most crucial moment of parenting. That is where your awareness about your own self, about whether you think you are mentally and emotionally comfortable and stable at that point in your life or not, comes into picture. Only a parent who is aware of this information about themselves can respond to the child in the best, constructive, correct way. Only then can the parent teach the child how to correctly respond to unpleasant situations and feelings. Otherwise, if the parent is unaware about his own mental health, he can even take the most horrible life situation to be nothing other than just a "mundane" situation. What do you think the parent is going to do if this the case? He is going to teach the child to accept horrible situations as normal. The child will grow up to accept bad treatment from other people, never aiming for better things in life, accepting a bad life quality as just normal. And thus, yet another life has been ruined just because an adult didn't care enough to introspect about their own life before giving birth to their children. They didn't care enough about their children to ask themselves whether they truly think they will be able to raise their children in an emotionally and physically healthy way. Basically, they didn't want to take the responsibility of fixing the unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaving that they carried with themselves. They think having children will fix those things in them, make them happy again. What do you call that if not extremely selfish behavior? In conclusion, if a parent is sufficiently aware and emotionally healthy, he will know how to respond to a distressed child in the best way. And the child, by the time he becomes an adult, will surely understand that his parents truly thought the best for him, and will surely never see them as being "mean parents," as you said. If a child still thinks, long after becoming an adult, that his parents were "mean," then you can believe with all certainty that his parents were indeed "mean" to him.

[@la6136]

Thats why parents need to have empathy. That still isn't an excuse

[@vixxcelacea2778]

I really really wanted to say the same thing. To a child, their new trauma via existing and all the things that come with it is horrific. Babies don't cry because they are spoiled, they cry because they are communicating that this new thing is freaky or makes them feel uncomfortable. We're adjusted to life and what it presents, we realize when something is and isn't a threat. To a child, every new uncomfortable or painful thing could be perceived as such. That's why it's important to take a relaxed approach and sympathize with their fear and not dismiss it, but also not feed into it. Which is what coddling too much does. It is agreeing with the child that thing that isn't dangerous is scary instead of acknowledging the fear and letting them know it's okay. And being neglectful and "buck up" type is literally telling them that you are angry and dismissive of their experience and fear. This creates someone later who is scared to show vulnerability or even acknowledge it at all. We need to stop gate keeping suffering. Someone out there who is spoiled by our standards getting a chocolate cake on their birthday and not vanilla, because their parents spoil them, but don't actually pay attention to their likes and emotional concerns, is a form of suffering. Even if they've been extremely sheltered and exist more on a child like level of experiences compared to others, what they experience is valid. It won't take precedence over helping someone in which their suffering causes danger to their well being, but it is suffering to them. Invalidating experiences is incredibly harmful.

[@Emerald-kun]

My parents provided for me financially. ... Yeah, that's about it, I think. I had all my physical needs taken care of, toys bought and well-fed, but whenever I try to remember any particularly positive emotional impact they had on my life growing up, I really couldn't think of any.

[@nicolebello]

Similar case to you. I know that my parents love me, but at the same time, describing their actions makes me feel confused, especially to my mom(my dad is different, since he had to work away from the country I was born in). By adding the overprotection part, just makes me doubt about how unconditional my mom's love really was. It is weird. Today, I can say that I have a better relationship with them, however, I still judge my mother and how she raised me.

[@MrNoot39449]

So they took care for you the same way someone would take care of a pet

[@bonkers1917]

@@MrNoot39449well, not even that. most people love their pets and (depending on the kind of pet) they give the animal unconditional affection and attention when it’s needed. they aren’t getting the pet so that one day the pet can take care of them when they’re elderly, which is sadly a big reason a lot of people have families nowadays. again it can vary depending on the kind of animal but most common pets require that you give them constant love AND let them just do their own thing, which a lot of parents struggle to do both of.

[@bonkers1917]

I feel this. my mom grew up in an abusive household and in her mind she believes to be happy you only NEED the bare essentials; food+water, a stable roof over your head, and basic pleasantries like bathrooms. she struggles to understand that having just those things, while very good, isn’t what makes a child happy and content. my mom didn’t grow up with all the bare essentials she needed, and therefore that’s the goal she strived for when she had her own family. a lot of people fail to realize that being a parent is not just a responsibility to protect and care for a child, but also to raise the child and show them they’re loved.

[@Emerald-kun]

@@nicolebello I'm... saddened that I'm not the only person who grew up in that kind of environment. However, I'm glad you've managed to improve your relationship with your family at least. You can't really choose who you were born to, after all.

[@birbhay]

I read this somewhere once - Everyone deserves parents But not everyone deserves children

[@josemanuelmurguia8970]

TRUEEEE

[@auberjean6873]

high_on_youtube , There ought to be an intelligence and thoughtfulness test at the very least!

[@birbhay]

@g7dmother •}:{• ill edit it ty

[@xxix2148]

Every child deserves parents but not all parents deserve children

[@MsBettyRubble]

The vast majority don't. Look at the level of child abuse in the USA. And they call themselves a country of family values. What a joke.

[@DavidsonPaulo]

Simpler definition: good parents are always questioning themselves if they're doing something wrong. Bad parents are always 100% sure they are doing everything right.

[@Sidera17]

Whoa, this hits hard.

[@itsmeow.16]

That's what my parents never did. They're like everyone else is wrong except them. There dicission is the final dicission. They'd never listen what we want. All they care about is there priority.

[@princessbanana4625]

@@itsmeow.16 Ik exactly what you mean and to this day as an adult I still take every other adults word from an authority standpoint because subconsciously I feel like I can never say no or voice my opinion, I'm scared of backlash or confrontation and it's just...awful.

[@UrSushiSenpai]

Deep

[@Samithecutie]

@@itsmeow.16 same

[@kimlersue]

My parents gave me unconditional love, an excellent education, and a warm safe place to grow up!

[@ACE-sx8mo]

I had the mother described in this video, and in her declining years I had no trouble at all reversing our roles and caring for her as she had cared for me. I'm grateful to have had that chance.

[@Maggie-zb7gx]

Goals 👍

[@lexitnute1306]

you lucky

[@mooch6925]

I wonder if we could ever make this kind of thing a subject we learn about at school - so the next batch of parents have some tools in their kit bag

[@RolaiEckolo]

Unfortunately not. For all the good it could do, the State shouldn't tell people how to parent. Just gets into weird territory, you know?

[@padarousou]

This is what developmental psychology covers, and it is taught in most schools.

[@-R.E.D.A.C.T.E.D-]

Remember, there are nearly 4000 cultures in the world. This would not apply properly to all.

[@ThatOnePerson04]

@@-R.E.D.A.C.T.E.D- You're confusing cultural norms with psychology. This video does in fact apply to all cultures because it's based off psychology that all humans share. You're right that cultures will vary, and definitions of "bad" behavior and "good" behavior may change from society to society, but emotions and psychological well-being stays the same. It's what makes human beings human beings.

[@chilled._.chilli2644]

Oh, we actually have a subject in Germany we can choose to learn about psychology and how to raise a child correctly :]

[@PeriwinkleB]

Good parents: Treating their child like a human with a mind, feelings and future. Bad parents: Treating their child like a product that owes them back for the parent’s simply deciding to bring them into the world

[@bu4459]

Bingo!

[@yipflomiser]

If they essentially do both, then what happens

[@Xenofinite]

@@yipflomiser yyeah im in that situation...

[@alien4135]

2nd

[@kf7859]

@@yipflomiser medium parent ig?.... Idk lol

[@laylarahman11]

My parents always tried to raise me in a way that will benefit them. I understood that as soon as I turned 22.

[@NourArt02]

Boringness is highly underrated, i see a lot of parents who flip and go crazy over small things, and their kids are always unstable and suffer from all sorts of mental illnesses

[@Levittchen4G]

But being boring is completely different from being predictable in your reactions to bad news/listening/being asked for help. The second is not the same as the first. A parent that's colorful and interesting as a paradise' birds feathers does NOT contradict the same parent being dependable, supporting and raising their child in the best way (Like in this video) AND being predictable, so the child does not need to second guess or tippie-toe around your moods.

[@nickfotopoulos5323]

Pro tip: Instead of using this to figure out if your were raised well, use it to be a better parent. You can't change your past, but your children's past is still the present.

[@sharagastardo3993]

@@Tubeytime sure does

[@noluvchanties6212]

Well said.👏👏👏👏

[@Pureblood29]

This is literally why I'm here .. i want my kids to feel safe and loved :)

[@tmiller8343]

Well said! 👍

[@marchere_69]

@@Pureblood29 you'll be a great mother!

[@violettofan5828]

Me: slowly realizing that my entire childhood was actually filled with traumatizing experiences that I thought were normal.

[@Fernstead]

But normal isn't going to pay the therapist's bills...

[@dweewooweewoo2658]

Same

[@omni8568]

Sighhhh same

[@maarakailet1]

It's weird how it's almost more painful knowing that other people had it better, than just how crap I had it. Does that make sense?

[@ursamagickmt672]

BINGO!

[@mohamstaz3618]

I agree with everything except the last bit about it all paying off when you see your child become a good parent themselves. I think it's better to say it pays off to see your child be able to function in society and be a whole, healthy person. Not everyone needs to become a parent to have succeeded and had a good life.

[@Danilo_De_Filosoof]

Oh I agree with this a lot.

[@Inquisitor_Vex]

Nah I strongly disagree. That’s like choosing to stay a child and not go through puberty. Having kids is part of the human experience and you neglect it at your peril.

[@Treepelt]

@@Inquisitor_Vexyou can strongly disagree, but you are also strongly incorrect

[@Inquisitor_Vex]

@@Treepelt you can choose to believe that if you want but the science says otherwise.

[@asrield2032]

​@@Inquisitor_Vex When the hell did science say that? As natural as procreation is, we're humans. We have a choice due to our intelligence. It's not "wrong" to choose not to have kids. It shouldn't be, either.

[@KJ-hi6rq]

I stumbled upon this randomly and during watching this I realised my stepdad was the perfect parent my entire life. He always doubts himself and the way he was raising me while my mother and father never thought twice about if they did things right or wrong. I am insanely lucky to have him.

[@jayrlbd8355]

Maybe send him the video and tell him?!

[@C-Farsene_5]

Thank your stepdad

[@pikameme3322]

Moral of the story: Be better parents than yours.

[@vane3330]

Amen!

[@pikameme3322]

@42 jade that is also a viable option

[@yazeedalsheikh2320]

Hard to do that when you realize how amazing your parents are

[@susugam3004]

My parents were better than their parents, but still failed 7 or 8 of these tests. Sometimes better than your parents is still very, very bad.

[@raisa8477]

THIS is the best comment of them all.

[@val2558]

One of the frequent traits that I’ve seen in my parents is that everytime I confront them about a certain behavior or attitude, they start complaining and saying how worst they used to got it and they start projecting all their traumas and end up ignoring or dismissing completely what I was talking about in the first place

[@ohnoao9847]

There are some people that psychologically cannot admit they were wrong, they are usually so deep in denial that they can't stand to be confronted with the reality that they're the problem.

[@parentingbeyondbehaviours6382]

I can totally relate

[@6ColourMeRainbow9]

This happens to my niece all day long. I always try to chime in as... I WAS THERE TOO, WE HAD THE SAME PARENTS, but I'm not supposed to butt in. Wish you had an aunt that stood up for you as a kid. Even just hearing your parent being called out can boost one's self worth.

[@nickthepick8043]

Yeah, my folks are like that. Although, it is hard to argue against them in my case because they always pull the veteran card when they want to argue. How do you combat that? Those experiences are grueling, and hardly compare to my experiences, but it still feels wrong that they use that against me.

[@kzjxjdi]

my parents would tell me it doesnt matter cuz they are my parents and adults

[@pashaboss6]

since i was raised without parents watching this video made me cry... i wish i had parents who loved me and cared about me i cant imagine how different of a person i would have grown up to be

[@somexne]

Don't. You grew yourself, you knew you had yourself all times. And yes, it's lonely but better than being open for a hug and someone stabs you and push you away to then be lonely. I grew until 10 without knowing that the strange man in my house was my dad. I had to upbring myself, what is different from you? I also had to hear the things I heard. They were not good at ALL. Although life was peaceful as I understood very early "I had no parents", it was still shitty and passive-agressive. I tried running many times and daily considered unaliving or living as a streets person, or even at centers of adoption... I just not did it because of my fear for the unknown. Today? Accomplished as fuck and still on there. Trying to fill these gaps they left, and left them "my parents" without even looking back. This video is an utopia. 80% of us don't have it fully, 10% don't have it at all, 5% have it shitty, and 5% are abused by what they have. The broken numbers parts (like 0.7% or whatever) are the ones that have parents like that actually. Keep yourself resilient. Improve. Better yourself. Find peace in the quiet confort of you. Learn to hug yourself. Learn to be yourself. We don't need others to be full. Keep up, man, I believe in you.

[@soumaya8385]

*warm hugs*

[@vixxcelacea2778]

It's okay to grieve over something you never had and acknowledge that what happened to you wasn't okay. I hope regardless of that, that you can find value and peace with in yourself. You don't have to console away loss and pretend it doesn't hurt, because it does. Realizing my mother not only never did, but never was capable of loving me is my grief. I lost something I didn't know I never had, but assumed was happening. That asking her to be able to love and care for me was like asking someone with out legs to walk. It was a bad situation from the start. Someone who never ever should have been a parent became one. I'm glad to be alive, I'm going to make the most of everything I can, but I absolutely struggled and struggle with feelings of thinking I shouldn't exist because I came from a person that never should have been a parent and did not really want or love me, but was convinced that they did. It's okay to feel sad about it. It's okay to process and register that trauma happened. So go ahead and cry, let the cut filled with poison you are affected by gradually run clear and seal over into a scar that you can acknowledge, but not be plagued by. It's okay.

[@rondonnis6588]

Everyone has parents you were born so you had a mother and father never forget that. Everyone is worthy of being loved and so are you.

[@pashaboss6]

@@soumaya8385 thanks 🥰🤗

[@DarkHorse902]

It's actually quite amazing how easily a short seven minute video can remind a person of just how shitty their own parents were. Fortunately their mistakes were my best teacher on how not to do things, which in turn led to doing things the proper way.

[@aluminescentmushroom5910]

A little PSA: Just because your parents "tried their best" doesn't automatically mean you had a good childhood, and you don't owe it to them to think that you did. You can love your parents just as much while still acknowledging the mistakes they made and the traumatizing effects they may have had on you.

[@dilucbutiworkatmcdonalds9291]

I wish my mom understood this honestly. As soon as I bring up the years of physical and verbal abuse all she says is "but I stopped now" like not strangling, mocking or hitting your child because they're depressed from bullying in school isn't the bare minimum. I know she tried her best but it doesn't mean her mistakes are automatically erased. I had the worst years of my life during my teen years and that's because of her, nothing can change that. It doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm acknowledging her mistakes. I hope one day she'll let go of her pride and admit she made mistakes without brushing them off because "she stopped"

[@anotherone8941]

thank you so much

[@Ash__1991]

I could love them if they only talked to me about why im still angry at them. Every time i bring it up, I'm either lying, over exaggerating, or looking for attention. Ive talked about it with my siblings and im certainly not making any of it up. Ive talked to a therapist and im working on moving past it. At this point, I dont even feel the need to have a real relationship with them. Just plaster on a smile and say "i love you too" so i can stay in the will.

[@hippityhoppity6313]

@@dilucbutiworkatmcdonalds9291 your mom sounds like a very prideful woman in that shes never wrong in her own mind. Do not wait for her to acknowledge her faults because you just might be waiting forever. Accept her for how she is, a woman that wont face the reality of what she has done, she probably feels some shame for what shes done and is trying to justify it in her own mind or erase it completely by saying "well i stopped." Try searching for different resources to heal. It sucks when your own mother cant acknowledge the damage she's done, but thats on her, you have to care for yourself. Maybe research how to heal the inner child on youtube? Theres a lot of great stuff out there. You could also write a letter to her and say everything you've ever wanted to say, and read it or yell it out loud in a car so no one hears you. Imagine pulling a cord out from your chest that keeps you tied to her and then rip up or burn the letter. I wouldnt give her a letter because she sounds too immature to handle it, and then might twist everything back on you, which will only hurt. Ive done the letter thing and it can be really therapeutic. I have a lot of sadness with my dad and he HAS NO CLUE ABOUT IT because he was always drunk. So you can be certain I will never hear an apology or receive any acknowledgement from him. The healing and acknowledgment of my pain had to come from me. Sometimes you may have to do it more than once. Good luck! :)

[@notaburneraccount]

THIS. It's toxic to think that getting hit somehow "teaches you a lesson" or makes you better/stronger in some way. It's an imbalance of power and shows that the adult cannot keep their temperament in check and play it off as parenting when in reality it's trauma that they're inflicting. Yes, you could have experienced care from your parents/guardians but being subjected to any kind of abuse does not constitute love.

[@MustardLadySaveMe]

my parents were both raised by strict and emotionally unavailable parents. they tried their best with me, but messed up sometimes. I remember once after I was spanked quite suddenly many times for knocking over a fishtank while running inside, my dad came into my room and gently apologized, explained that he shouldn't have reacted that way, but was frustrated and asked me not to play roughly in the house again. That strength to apologize has stuck with me to this day, and I respect authority that can admit when they are wrong.

[@puny_God]

"Strength to apologize" amazing indeed

[@maughtayo]

I wish I've had this. My mother and father always thought they had it all figured out and that the way they raised me was perfect and its my fault for not assimilating their lessons.

[@Moon-oq7mf]

@Squatting Croat why does this feel so relatable

[@MrLemon-vt4ky]

It shows everyone makes mistakes and doesn't put the pressure of being a perfect person on people

[@stafey7659]

My mother always apologized when she was too harsh with me. I like that because I learned to gently remind her of things and calmly explain, leading me to be very responsible during puberty. But it also made very quick to apologize or be ok with things when people were cruel to me. Everything has a fine line to walk.

[@dhynacash4114]

I just got emotional. These parent videos always do. My mom was a saint and did the best she could. I was her world and now that I'm a parent, I understand every single decision she made back then.

[@elijaprice]

I can remember being told repeatedly as a child that I was "shy" before I even properly knew what the word meant. My mother was a chronic alcoholic and I spent a lot of time as a child unsure, afraid, stood on some playground somewhere wondering if anyone was ever going to collect me. My mother loved me and I loved her, but she should not have had children. I have quite extreme social anxiety, and it was only in my 20s that it even occurred to me that most people aren't like me, and that ending any interaction as quickly and painlessly as possible was me doing them a favour, that some people actually enjoy it. I vowed to myself that I will never have children. I would fuck them up too badly, and there is more than enough pain in the world already.

[@TickityBoo70]

Sorry to hear about your childhood and your decision not to have children. I too had an alcoholic mother who (unfortunately) suffered from various mental health issues. She left my father to live with another woman - my sibling and I suffered tremendously because of it (she was also mentally and physically abusive). I too decided not to have children because of the staunch notion that I’d fuck them up. That is until I met my husband in 2002, and at the age of 34 yrs, gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is now studying Geo Physics. It was honestly the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s been bloody hard work but so rewarding! My mother died last year from COPD, and it was harrowing to watch her body shutting down. I felt overwhelming guilt and shame because of my anger towards her. Like you, I have extreme social anxiety and have little to no social interactions outside of my small family. I also have bipolar, but unlike my mother (who didn’t seek professional help) I do because the ramifications of me not are too big. I wish you all the happiness, good health and love that you deserve. Please don’t give up the good fight because you’re worth it! (Pardon the poor grammar)

[@elijaprice]

@@Miracletobehere Quit drinking, quit smoking. Be careful with your money. Life gets easier as you get older, if you let it.

[@elijaprice]

@@Miracletobehere Being a girl is allowed. Being not in a relationship is allowed (in fact, it's a good idea). Social media is a very bad idea, especially if you're prone to overstimulation. Have you read the book 'Quiet' by Susan Cain? If you haven't, I would definitely recommend it. She says that introverts are people with a "low threshold for stimulation".

[@panz.564]

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” -Oscar Wilde

[@TheFakeyCakeMaker]

I think if you can look at the things your parents did and say "they did what was best for me" you can forgive them. I try to make hard decisions based on what my son will understand in the future. I know he will understand in time that sitting watching TV all day isn't good for him. Or maybe he won't. 😂

[@foreveryoung1215]

Wow.

[@MrBatriste]

Word

[@hiiambarney4489]

I indeed had to forgive mine. The universe knows I had to...

[@whatarehumans3680]

I love that word, "sometimes." Because not everyone will be able to forgive their parents, and that's fine. The idea that forgiveness is the only way to move on is strange. How ever someone moves on from their childhood is their business as long as no one gets hurt. Forgiveness is not the end all be all of healing.

[@biker6070]

People don’t realize that you have to be very selfless, responsible, and empathetic to have a child. The point of raising a child and having a family is that you want to bring someone of your own into this world to love, to nurture, to help shape into someone better than yourself, not to continue a bloodline or to live vicariously through, or to abuse or control or fill a void, and heaven forbid to “save a relationship”

[@hazmataz69]

Such a good point!

[@sugoish9461]

Like my dad always quotes (though I can't remember from where), "We're simply just borrowing you for a while". Parents don't _own_ children, rather, they have the most selfless duty to them. To care for them and support them and give from their own to them, just to help them grow. So until the child is old enough to be able to care for themselves, the parents are simply "borrowing" them from the future-adult-them until they are ready to live their own lives. My dad's really awesome, and has had such a positive impact on my life and in giving me safety through my mom's abuse. Meanwhile, my mom... Wanted children because _she_ wanted children. She had specific ideal images in mind that she wanted to fulfill. She decided what we wore, our hairstyles, what movies and series we watched growing up (that were never _our_ favorite, but _her_ favorites, which _she_ said to _us_ were our favorites). _She_ collected toys and children's books etc from a specific children's story series (which we were not allowed to touch!), and made us go to galleries about it dressed up as the characters, and forced us to pose so she could take pictures, _as old teenagers._ Meanwhile, the only other people there were other adults and their 4-5 year olds). Yeah, she wasn't the healthy one, lol.

[@vebdaklu]

​@@sugoish9461 Wow...how did the two of them end up together? They seem such disparate worlds. Unless you are retroactively idealizing your father like I did - my dad was always full of "Wisdom" to give me, but he was never around, and he justified my mothers obsession with living through me and bullying me into doing what she wants so I couldn't even be sad that something abnormal was being done to me. Also, the "wisdom" he have me was mostly empty platitudes like "don't worry, it will all sort itself out, you don't have to do anything" or "why should I be sad when I can be not sad". My favorite gem he gave me after I Got divorced - "it is better for a man to have anyone waiting for him at home, even if it is someone who you will only have fights with, rather than being alone". Explains the toxicity perfectly.

[@LA_HA]

Wow. This really shows me how lucky my siblings and I are. Our parents were really incredible people who raised us all well throughout our lives. I'm going to send them my love for just being awesome people right now

[@sugoish9461]

@@vebdaklu Hmmm... They're both musicians, and my mom has a very good ability of hiding her flaws to look okay to other outside people. My dad, meanwhile, is a workaholic, yes, so he isn't perfect. But he's seemingly always had horrible luck with his significant others. His ex-wife before my mom would beat him so he had to go to the ER often. He woke up once to her lighting his bed on fire. He has a permanent (light, thankfully, but still) vision problem from when she threw a chair at him and it hit his face and eye. She apparently stabbed him once with a knife, too?? He was just 20yo when he became a parent for the first time, together with her. He has a tendency to just endure anything and try to be understanding of the other person. And, the big deciding deal here, is that the worst of my mom's abuse happened when he wasn't at home. We kids just somehow assumed it was normal, or that he knew about it, so we didn't actually bring it up ourselves. So ridiculous how it could happen lol, looking back, but it did! When me and my sibling were old teenagers and we'd sort-of-ran-away from home with mom to go live with dad when he got back from a work trip abroad, we just talked about everything. He got so so sad for us, and angry at her for doing what she did to us, and said that he was seriously considering a divorce now. He doesn't understand empathetically everything that I'm dealing with with depression and CPTSD and anxiety, but he always tries his best and I've never doubted that he genuinely cares! He has been pretty absent though, from being a workaholic - but I also blame that on my mom, because she was the one who forced him to get an office someplace else rather than just work from home (he worked only remotely). Before she did, he always took the time to react when I interrupted him in his work to show him a drawing (he actually still has many of them saved around his work computer, even little notepad drawings I randomly made and didn't think much about!), and he always took time to, always calmly, explain and answer all of my 126328 questions of "Why? How does that work? Why?" ! But, yeah, I did only play a board game with only him and me, for the first time in my entire life, just the other day (I'm still living with him, receiving mental health treatment but I'm not capable of living a normal life atm).... He hasn't like spent a lot of time just playing or hanging out with us. But he was always there when you needed him, so I'm not really upset. Sorry that this is so long! What your dad said made me actually cringe back into myself a bit. Oof!! That is not true at all, wow! I'm sorry your dad is like that :(

[@Celeyo]

"Able to tolerate absence are those who were originally allowed to have as much dependence and connection as they needed" really got to me as a child of loving but unintentionally very neglectful parents :')

[@maxdocore-fc7ch]

I think it's misworded bc a lot of times those who isolate themselves in adult years were neglected. Not clingy. They learn to not depend. But those who do want and or desire company in some way shape or form. Often were allowed to cling

[@Celeyo]

@@maxdocore-fc7ch I think that varies a lot from person to person though and making blanket statements isn't very helpful. Lots of us have trust issues, but it manifests in wildly different ways. In my case it was the desperate want for someone to trust who could fill the void in me and yet never being able to actually trust them - hence the clinginess and need for reassurance. Ofc this was a recipe for a disaster in the end. I'm isolating much more now, but as a early 20s adult? I was very depressed, very desperate for human connection, and very very clingy.

[@maxdocore-fc7ch]

@@Celeyo your experience doesn't dictate what is or isn't true. My blanket statement is more likely then yours and even then I even stated 'a lot of the time' meaning not every time. It depends on multiple variables and the person in general.

[@Celeyo]

@@maxdocore-fc7ch Of course it doesn't, but neither does your experience. I also don't understand why you chose to comment something like this under my specific experience as that makes it feel a bit like an attack on it even if you guarded yourself by saying "a lot of the time". The reason I'm saying your blanket statement isn't helpful is because it personally took me a very long time to understand what was wrong with my childhood, and if I was still in the middle of trying to figure it out, what you said could have have actually have had a bad effect. All I'm saying is please be mindful of the words you use. nuance matters a lot with topics like these. And saying it depends on the person was literally what I replied to you to begin with.

[@maxdocore-fc7ch]

@@Celeyo you are valid in your feelings and your words. I was not sharing my experience with childhood neglect. Merely stating information that wasnt there. If 80 percent of folks are girls and only 20 are boys. You would then say a lot of folk have breasts. This is not attacking those with a different experience nor stating they don't exist. I don't remember why I chose your comment tbh. I have did. It was possible it was one of us who just likes spreading information. I'm sorry for how it's effected you still.

[@jaytheretarded]

the way my parents raised me has really molded how i feel and who i am. instead of thinking something i did was an accident, they would immediately jump to the conclusion that i've done something on purpose. instead of giving me a sweet talking-to on what is socially acceptable, they would pull out a belt, and that was how i learned what was 'right' and what was 'wrong'. instead of giving me attention when i felt lonely, they would push me away and tell me the reason i'm lonely is because i'm too worthless to have a friend. i only ever wanted them to love me, care about me. but they never do. i've gone through all these years trying to make them proud, but they never are. now i'm just waiting for the time when i can leave home, go to college, and say goodbye to them forever. i turn thirteen today. only five more years.

[@smashtwig6765]

Well, it's been seven months. Anything changed?

[@aimeepalmer8870]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You will have a fantastic life after them, I just know it!! ❤

[@jumpkut]

Hang in there buddy. If possible, find other safe adults to lean on and talk about what you’re going through. And remember, none of this is your fault. You deserve better

[@Maik55732]

I grew up in a very poor community in Brazil and my father died when I was 6. Seeing this reminds me of how wonderful my mother was, working as much as she could to pay me English courses and a private teacher because I was slow at learning. Now I am getting my degree as an Engineer. That's true love that can create better humans.

[@AmandaMG6]

She sounds amazing 💜

[@bonniel4325]

My father was a miserable alcoholic bully. I received my first beating from him when I was almost 4 years old. You are so lucky there was no man in the house to make it a living hell.

[@Maik55732]

@@bonniel4325 I am really sorry for hearing this. Hope you could overcome this very traumatic event. Things might get stuck deep in us, but make an effort to love and let urself to be loved.

[@bonniel4325]

@@Maik55732 Thank you for your kind words. Blessings to you and your mom.

[@psychommunityy]

I'm Brazilian too, she seems like a really good mom Every time i go out i see mothers yelling with their childs or spanking them I'm being raised by overprotective parents And my mom is bipolar most of the times And that's so cool that your mother did all of this for you ❤ I learned english by myself and for free lol ( i'm not complaining tho ) but i'm bad at pronounce :/

[@emmylene62]

“It should be the privilege of every child not to have to know its parents in complete detail.”

[@eb7446]

Absolutely, but I believe fully that kids need to have a sense of their parents as a person. There needs to be a personal relationship between a parent and child. Healthily having a strong bond means in good time the child will grow to know their parent and this will help strengthen the bond. You must be a good example though, for this to work.

[@pondering-princess]

It has more deeper meaning.

[@MmmKayHuuNay]

Don't break boundaries with your kids would have been a better way of saying that. What he stated is not entirely correct.

[@ElginAlway]

As a child I would go for “rides” with my Mom as she would dump all her personal problems on me. She really needed an adult friend and even a counselor, but she had me. Much of what she shared with me I shouldn’t have really been exposed to. But it has helped me be compassionate. So it comes with pros and cons. I don’t plan on dumping my problems to my kids like she did.

[@bdl2157]

My father fought very hard in the divorce for custody, so much so that he lost his job and was without one for an entire year. Me and my siblings did not know this until we were much older (I don’t know how it was revealed as I am the youngest so my sister told me). He took the burden alone and even managed to take us on a vacation during that time. My father is my only respectable parent and still had to fight with all of his energy for split custody and paying a ridiculous child support fee that my mother did not use appropriately

[@Platitudinous9000]

"[The child] will learn the art of self-forgiveness. It won't have to torture itself for its mistakes. It won't suffer the ravages of self-loathing, or ever, when it messes up badly, be tempted to take its own life." ah,,,

[@aoi2532]

Uh oh I guess...

[@FoundMeGood]

As a person with a traumatized childhood, I cried watching this video...

[@FoundMeGood]

Thx for the heart bro 😊😊

[@Acsion42]

Seriously... how have we survived so long without even considering that parenting involves more than just tolerating the presence of a tiny person while going about your normal life?

[@adroitws1367]

survive is easy, we have evolved thousand of years to be the best survivalist to have a live on the other hand...

[@geek7227]

Because we strong warriors.

[@mandy8566]

@Sanningen What do you suggest we do about it

[@odineinmann5299]

Parenting has been far worse in the past. In fact in modern times have been much better, modern times has allowed parents to work from home, work less hours or even be in the same country. In the past 200 years as you say, parenting has been much better, indeed there has been far less tyrants in the world than once before and morals have never been higher whether you deny it or not. Such a claim like yours without proper knowledge of history is what makes the world a dangerous place.

[@NC-ns5se]

Plankton White very true, we seem to forget how much worse it used to be. We have it so much easier so now it’s easier to focus on things to benefit are mental health rather than just trying to survive like we have for thousands of years.

[@chairde]

Growing up I was shocked to see how nice my friends parents were. No drunkenness, no yelling, no police at the door on holidays. No punishments, no endless list of “chores “ to do. Once I had a bad grade on a report card and my father nailed it to the bedroom wall. My sister was punched and my brother and I were beaten with a belt as punishment. Both my parents were angry people. I remember being invited to a friend’s house for dinner. It was so pleasant. Then I knew for sure our family was not normal. This impacts your self esteem. I didn’t realize I was smart until I was drafted into the army and passed a test for Officer Candidate School. That changed my life.

[@sarunightamber701]

Damn, you sure are brave

[@guti-xk4qf]

Thank you for your service sir, and I hope you are doing well

[@luckycookie5063]

I'm glad (hopefully) this treatment didn't take a toll on your health...

[@sola9219]

im proud of you stranger

[@amandanegrete1306]

Thank you for sharing. I remember sitting in my bedroom alone on Thanksgiving. I watched Black Beauty on an old B&W television by myself and remember feeling completely abnormal. I was YOUNG, maybe 7 years old but I knew my “family” wasn’t normal. I went all through Catholic school and was usually the only kid who didn’t come from a large “good Catholic” home. I started going to friends houses for holidays in high school. I felt so GRATEFUL to be there but terribly ashamed my own “family” didn’t want me. My brother was 10 years older but he told me that my parents had ALWAYS secluded themselves and spent all their time at home ISOLATED in the bed. My brother died of an overdose several years ago. I have NO IDEA why my parents had children to begin with. The thought of a mother being jealous of her daughter never even registered with me until adulthood. My uncles and every other family member who my mother abused until all communication stopped told me my mother was jealous of me. I didn’t believe that. A.) I Don’t think that way and I’m not a jealous person. B.) I believed I was completely worthless, what could anyone possibly by jealous of? I’ve always gotten along with my peers and teachers/superiors. People would say very kind things about me to my “mother”. I ALWAYS prayed that would make her happy and she would show me some kindness. I didn’t understand she hated me and hearing people speak highly of me ENRAGED her. When you’re a kid you believe your parents WANT to hear good things about you. How wrong I was. When I arrived at Basic Combat Training I couldn’t look people in the eye. Hell, I was so emotionally beaten down I couldn’t even look people in the face. I was underweight and couldn’t do a push-up or run worth a damn. My Drill SGT’s took an interest in me and I’ll never forget my lead DS. He called me in the office and told me he believed in me. He went on to tell me that didn’t matter unless I found a way to believe in myself. I hated myself so deeply I couldn’t fathom believing in myself. I had spent my entire life ALWAYS being the “outsider” and odd one out. My “mother” basically broke my father. They have ALWAYS stayed in their bedroom 24/7 except when my father went to work. I can’t imagine laying in bed while my child was eating thanksgiving TV dinner alone in her bedroom. I can’t imagine doing that to ANYONE. I now know I’m a decent person and am so very grateful to my DS and the army. For years I caught myself thinking “what am I doing here with these EXCELLENT soldiers?” I had to force myself to believe I was a valuable human being. I don’t believe I would be alive today if not for the army.

[@gurryshark1361]

I feel proud to say that my parents were wonderful, I love them so much and I am thankful that they understand me.

[@Blabou]

Forgot some : A good parent believes their child even if it puts them in an akward situation with uncle Fred / the teacher / spouse A good parent doesn't compare or comment their child's body no matter how A good parent doesn't treat their boy and girl differently (you're so brave // you're so pretty, Wow you climbed so high ! // A pretty mouth shouldn't be saying such ugly words) A good parent protects theirs child from dangers and any form of abuse no matter the circumstance A good parent doesn't compare their child to their friends or classmates that behave better / work harder A good parent takes action when their child says they want to die, and don't complain / joke about it / downplay it / ignore it A good parent helps their child even if it's embarrassing that their 16 y.o is is anxious to order pizza on the phone. They should help them and support them as long as they need it. A good parent doesn't let their child be friends with their bullies because they're lonely (family members / school) , they find ways to socialise them with new ppl so they have REAL friends A good parent pays attention to their angry tennager who's going through a lot and doesn't ground them/ tell them they are ungrateful / misbehaved

[@crayonzii]

“Parents can only love on their own level of awareness” is a therapeutic line.

[@noracola5285]

Is "reptilian" a level of awareness? Asking for a mom and stepdad.

[@Systolic_Gaming]

Where was this

[@chihiro____]

I also tried to find it

[@crayonzii]

it’s not in the video I just mentioned it

[@nickkohlmann]

​@@crayonziigood line!

[@Summer-uq1vr]

'im sorry you're angry' My mother never apologized for anything she did, ever.

[@kiblue4247]

same... never to my dad either.

[@ellenhartsema]

she did one time when she applyed for a job in a supermarket for me and didnt askme if i wanted to work there. i became really up set and she kept insisting i was for my own good and she didnt mean to hurt me and then she said she ont do it again. i was okay with that apology

[@joannachristy5885]

Same.. my parents never did either 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@regrettispaghetti2517]

I find this so interesting, because my mother was bipolar: she’d scream at me in her manic episodes and would come down on her depressive ones with a sobbing apology. So I was always very confused, and thought that since she apologized, her behavior was okay. Bottom line, I’m a teenager now and haven’t seen her in a while, I know a true apology means it won’t happen again.

[@regrettispaghetti2517]

@@thichinhphan4010 Well I suppose that's where most of it came from, and I remember her at least being on medication around then. Overall not a terrible mother, she was quite pleasant to be around at least 50 percent of the time. I hear she's going to therapy now, but I also know she says and does a lot of nasty things when she's upset (think throwing glass and saying she was going to put my brothers up for adoption in front of them and me). I'm not allowed to talk to her (for good reasons I guess), so not exactly sure how all that's going. I do miss her though. Part of me wishes that if we had to be separated, she could at least not care about me, because then I probably wouldn't care about her, then everything could be a whole lot simpler. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I'm hoping she can get it together so we can have some sort of relationship, even if I have to wait to turn 18 to see her again.

[@petergriffiinbirdistheword]

I don't need a test, my parents were horrific and highly abusive towards me and one of my sibling's while favoring the dumb one. I am no contact with them, thankfully.

[@g.s.651]

Both my parents were psychologically disturbed; one with NPD, one with BPD and severe depression; the former was born with his issues, the latter developed hers because of abuse, both of them were abused as children and they didn't bother to show any attempt to break the cycle. I have endured every kind of abuse possible, so I can only watch videos like this with morbid curiosity and wonder if other people out there are doing the same, feeling the same. Truth is, all children deserve parents, not all parents deserve children. I'm not looking for pity, just connectivity; I want other people out there to know they're not alone and that it's okay if you're not okay. I speak from experience saying that you can survive, even if it doesn't feel that way, just don't give up hope. You don't have to forgive, and you for damn sure don't need to let them stay in your life. It's okay to say "no." It's okay to say "I deserve better than you." Because you did, and you still do. Parent yourself, even if you're an adult now, and be kind to yourself in the ways they should've been, because for some of us... that's the best outcome, and while it's not okay that they hurt you, you can get through this.

[@donkey8725]

My parents taught me a lot. Everything that they did in their lives, i should avoid doing in order to succeed in my life.

[@keepmovingforward8821]

This is so depressing but so true

[@youreright9178]

ooooh the burnnn

[@seesandsrun11]

Ive use the same metric with great success!

[@PrincipalSkinner3190]

100% I adopted this philosophy since the age of 4.

[@jpbart1390]

same here! probably why i'm still married & they're not.

[@Dazyet]

The big problem comes in when the parents fully BELIEVES they have done all of these things.

[@coolbeansmate2324]

​@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme I am sorry to hear that your parents are trying to keep you from becoming self-reliant good sir. It seems they want to keep you "down", as if you still were a child. (You might be 16 years old or 25, I have no idea, if you are 16 you should still listen to them a lot) IF I were you and over 20 years old I would tell your parents it is rude of them to say that you cannot think for yourself. You are intelligent and able to think for yourself, and if they say that all your opinions come from the internet, you should tell them that saying such things is quite rude, as it insinuates that you are UNABLE to think for yourself. Secondly, (if it were my parents) I would also tell them that if you are not allowed to have your own opinions, then they are also not allowed to have them, therefore whatever they say is also not their own thoughts. What your parents are doing is a sort of basic psychological "trick" if you will, to keep you under their spell of authority. They want to still rule over you as "the big adults" (whatever that means; they might be even more flawed than you or most others lol) or whatever they imagine themselves to be, while you are the "little child/teen who knows nothing". Good luck good sir, if you put yourself in respect, they will give you respect in the end, if over a long period of time you do not feel any respect, then I recommend that you don't keep in contact with them. :)

[@Maria20t]

@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme to be honest, you probably are brainwashed at some point, we all are more or less. It depends on many factors.

[@latent1970]

@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme Respect is a two-way road. Being a parent doesn't justify undermining your childs opinions. I know it pretty well, afterall my mother mocks me just because i don't do or think like her.

[@drake-2948]

Exactly

[@cordeliajackson8615]

Eric-the-Cleric Fucking mood mate. My mother offered me her pain meds once because I told her I was suicidal. She legit, wanted me to just die right in front of her. I told a classmate this once and they said “Okay But is she beating you?” Worlds a fucked up place. I used to care about others so much. Ten year old me would’ve taken a bullet for a stranger is asked. My mom was so terrible that she made me lose faith in literally all of humanity.

[@noname-gu8fl]

The line about the child not having to torture itsself, not suffering the ravages of slef-loathing or being tempted to take its life really hit home. I struggle with all three. I love myself as long as I DO NOT fuck up, if I do I torture my self in my own mind. I say stuff to myself I would not dare to say to anyone. At least Im not sh anymore. I am my worst enemy and best friend at the same time, that really f's with you mentally.

[@Marii519]

same here, sending u a big tight hug

[@LittleRayofSunshine69750]

So many of these comments have made me feel normal, dealing with abuse in all forms has caused me serious mental illness which I am still dealing with at nearly 40. This has helped me to be a better parent.

[@jessieeleena1173]

anyone else feel sad realizing everything they missed out on and had to be their own parent :'( some people dont deserve to be parents.

[@alinesemencio]

I’m sorry too, Jessie. We can only change our future. This is a little sad. But it’s nice to think we do have some control if we decide to parent ourselves with kindness and love. At least there’s a way.

[@infernalstryfe]

@@alinesemencio If that doesn't work, one can always cut to the head of the line by carving up the middle of the street.

[@spacebar9733]

that's the part that makes me the saddest, not that it happened, but seeing others with great parents and knowing that I'll never have it.

[@angelacavon4073]

Yeah…😭 music raised me more than my parents did 🖤

[@acidicrainbow7754]

Sad but true, it's sort of selfish of them in a way. Wanting to bring a child into the world yet not being equipped with sufficient parenting skills. It makes some of us wish we were born into different families, or better yet not born at all. I don't believe in having children myself because I'd have to ask my children for permission.

[@MimyMagnolia101]

I grew up in Africa, was separated from my parents at 3 coz of war... The lady I lived with used to threaten to kill me when I cried... I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally...at 29,I am relearning everything, how to eat well, to sleep well, to believe in me, to succeed etc...

[@ab-vn8bm]

You're doing great sweetie. I'm proud of you, you'll achieve amazing things. Never give up. ❤

[@MimyMagnolia101]

@@ab-vn8bm ooooohhh.. thank you! When I hear such positive comments, full of love, it energise me.... Love you 😘

[@klaudinegarcia8932]

You're so strong....I wish I had your strength......Proud of you ❤

[@sussybaka119]

I'm so sorry, hope everything is getting better for you, I really do.

[@LancelotVantuyckom]

You can do this!

[@sbeer]

This video made me emotional. I really have amazing parents, there's no other way to put it. I'm almost 30 and I often stumble realizing that not everyone had the same fortune. Hope everyone here had the chance to realize how difficult it is / it has been for their parents, and makes the best effort in their possibilities to take the best examples and to learn from the mistakes everyone is bound to stumble upon.

[@Laura-kl7vi]

Having had a pair of loving parents-or at least one good one- is a huge, hidden privilege people have .Others, to varying degrees, carry baggage they have to get over, which takes work, time, and often money, if they can even get past it at all. Society measures people on what they've achieved rather than how far they've come, not knowing how much further some people have to travel just to even like themselves d/t their upbringing. If it were a race, some people are starting a mile behind others. And those that have this biggest head start their can be in life usually have no idea.

[@DoctorBored357]

Oldest of nine. For all intents and purposes, I lost my parents when I was 6. Instead I got two bosses that made me their unpaid live-in nanny. Being expected to act like an adult and care for children while still being a child yourself takes a lot of mental gymnastics to get through. And after nearly 20 years of being blamed and punished for even minor mistakes I did and didn't make, it takes a toll. Especially when you're trying to balance school and/or a job. I literally dropped out of college and got a job I hated just to help that woman with bills in addition to looking after my younger siblings before and after work. It still wasn't enough. So what did I get for it? A mother who thinks she still has control over me even after I moved out, a father who still thinks I should drop everything and drive an hour away just to have a meaningless conversation with him, and eight siblings who resent me for trying to be the parent I shouldn't have had to be. Of course, the rest of the family doesn't see that. As far as they know, I'm the ungrateful son that left his mother hanging once he found stable employment. But I'm ok with that. I'm over pleasing people just to keep the peace. I'd rather be disowned than miserable.

[@fabiolamenendez7221]

I was raised by a single mom who was raised by an abusive mother and she decided to change the cycle and not to raise me and my sister with physical and psychological violence. And I'm so grateful for that, because we have an amazing relationship, she allowed me to be a weird and curious kid and still supports me a lot.

[@b3a3n3a3n3a3s]

That's a really lovely story to hear. I aspire to change the cycle that has gone on in my family too. wishing you all the best.

[@TheWilDOn31]

This gives me hope that I'll be able to change the cycle too. You're so lucky.

[@agfromdai.e3806]

Your mom sounds amazing !

[@sorryikeepchangingmychanne6599]

I have faith again

[@asuri5298]

Kudos to your mom, while my mom is enabler and she was absent through my whole childhood I don't think I'll have my own family

[@Lord_LindaThePhilosopher]

this is the definition of: "All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve kids"

[@Lord_LindaThePhilosopher]

@@lifeinvegas987 wtf?

[@Lord_LindaThePhilosopher]

@@arandomperson. I don’t remember I just spent like 20 minutes trying to find the comment in my notifications. But I’m pretty sure it was pro violence against kids 😔 probably why it got removed

[@thunderpooch]

My father was a frustrated dummy. My mother is an overly religious nut job. My step father is a paranoid hoarder even though he's a multi-millionare. He worries about stuff worth a penny or nothing at all. And he stacks everything randomly in huge piles so if robbers ever come they can't find what they want to steal. 🙄 the problem is he and the entire family can't find anything or use anything either. I hate them all. They've been stumbling blocks for me my entire life. I might as well kill myself. Trying to overcome them has been impossible. This world is hell for me. Because I see many people get to have a free and clear mind and live lives of order rooted in reality and love. But my lot in life is misery. And I won't be attending their funeral. My step father should be buried in a garbage dump because that 's what would honor him the most. His trash and disorganized junk is more important than anything.

[@ame4087]

Nobody deserves kids because procreation is unethical

[@poopshitter6333]

realizing how few of these my parents did is upsetting to think about, much love to those who suffered under the abuse and lack of love from their parents hands

[@saylalisalovemelalisalovem3334]

once I got really mad at my mom for giving away one of my favorite dolls to a relative's daughter without even asking me and to this day she never understood my pain and sadness or even apologized to me.

[@Catseye189]

My parents never tried their best! They said they suffered, so we must suffer. Criminal levels of physical, sexual, and mental abuse. I ended that cycle. I did want children, I was scared of perpetuating that abuse. I took parenting classes, sought women in my community who were good mothers. I broke that chain!

[@Paperflower.]

Wow, you're so amazing! I too hope to break that chain so I can have kids of my own one day

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

Good for you! I am still not married, but am watching, reading and educating myself on parenting so I can also break the cycle. I would rather be childless than make them go through what I went through.

[@nolloo517]

thank you!! you are such a kindhearted person. we need more of you :)

[@elisamontrose-roback676]

ALL the praise to you for breaking the cycle and generational curse--- that is HARD WORK and I hope you are proud of this MAJOR accomplishment!! ❤️

[@meowmeow7508]

this made me tear, good job:)

[@om_Wed]

Having children is a huge responsibility. Not everyone is qualified for it . Please don't bring children to this world until you are aware of their needs and are able to raise them in a healthy way, because most of the problems of adults come from miserable childhood.

[@seanmoran6510]

Who decides who is and isn’t a good parent. How do you define the requirements of raising a family

[@captainhelmie2888]

@@angrydiver_4220 I really really hope you're being sarcastic

[@captainhelmie2888]

@@seanmoran6510 a nuclear family obviously. a man and a woman with multiple kids, all religious and with strong morals.

[@om_Wed]

@@angrydiver_4220I really like your awareness that you are not qualified for this experience. Please do your best not to experience it accidentally or intentionally.

[@om_Wed]

@@seanmoran6510First of all I will assume that you really don't know what requirements are. One of the rights of children on you before even they born, is to choose your wife/husband wisely. How’s your relationship with your spouse? Cause that will tell much about the environment the child will be raised in. Ask yourself am I ready and able to provide all that’s necessary for this child to thrive in life? Are you emotionally ready? Do you want to focus your life on protecting and providing for who will be completely dependent on you? Are you ready financially? While the material aspects are important, you must know what it involves, you need to give them love, nurturing, and most of all, your time and patience. Of course, you need to be strong and healthy yourself if you want to be able to live this experience.

[@maryloumawson6006]

When my husband and I began dating, one of the first things we did was share all the details of each of our childhoods. When we had children, I realized that if my child lived to be 100 years old, the memories I was creating for him in childhood would be his history for his whole life. The truth is, childhood only lasts between 10 and 15-18 years. Those first 10 years, when your child is totally dependent are crucial. Providing ample opportunities to learn, play, explore, and celebrate will make for happy memories. Family vacations, picnics, birthday celebrations etc. don't have to be expensive to be memorable. Chores and discipline are important, but make time for fun.

[@sepikh]

This was the best description of good parenting I've ever heard. I'm gonna come back to this regularly although I'm not a parent. I think knowing what a good parent is makes you a better person out in the world as well. Seeing the world from a child's view makes us all kinder and life much more beautiful, exciting, and worthy of living.

[@vixxcelacea2778]

Fully agree. Especially because some people don't grow up due to emotional stunting and still process things like a child. Adults who are traumatized/struggling could absolutely benefit from this approach.

[@wantonfuey1]

It’s hard to trust someone who tells you they love you after they beat you up

[@lm.2398]

Physical abuse isn't love, you can't claim to love someone that you hurt. It's likely that person simply doesn't know how to love. You have no responsibility to teach them or let them "practice" on you. None of it has anything to do with you or how immensely lovable you are and deserve to be treated. 💖

[@ife-oluwaakinmola9039]

In my country it’s OK to beat child but we also understand that you can beat your child but you always like your child know that you love them I mean every parent is different Some people think that it’s physical abuse while others think that is just plain punishment but if it’s like something that is consistent and you really didn’t do anything to deserve the beating Then that in my eyes is physical abuse

[@crimsonbutterflies]

Even if you DID something, you do not deserve a beating..😣

[@tracesprite6078]

That sounds very destructive. Hope you find people to genuinely love and respect you.

[@spooniecamper]

Amen.

[@Tubeytime]

It's a cycle. Broken people raise broken people, and until recently, outsiders looking in would judge damaged people as being fundamentally flawed. It still happens, but we're starting to wake up to the reality that bad behavior is really a symptom of poor development.

[@J.DaviesArt]

Only if they refuse to acknowledge their own pain and decide not to change. This reminds me of something my mother would tell me over and over , that broken people shouldn't have children, but she wasn't talking about herself she was talking about me...I was the broken one and should not have children. I am a mother now and even though its hard to be a good parent especially a lone good parent, even if you has the best childhood. I know that my mother was wrong. I almost was never going to become a mother based on these beliefs , how sad would that be to not allow yourself to heal grow and change and become a loving parent. We only raise broken children when we refuse to change.

[@everythingisfine9988]

I'm breaking my cycle! Or die trying 💪

[@miapdx503]

I broke the cycle. I became the mother I wished I'd had. It was healing to protect and nurture and do the things that weren't done for me. 🌺

[@thomasmaughan4798]

"but we're starting to wake up to the reality" There is no WE. "bad behavior is really a symptom of poor development." Sometimes. Other times people are simply bad (selfish, narcissistic) and it would not matter their parenting.

[@Tubeytime]

@@thomasmaughan4798 There is a "we", it is the collective consciousness of society and each of us represents a neuron in that web. If you talk or listen to anyone, you're participating in that collective consciousness. You're like a neuron in the brain that is refusing to acknowledge that it's part of something bigger.

[@LFanimes333]

I love when videos like these greatly generalise what parenting actually means and gets kids to hate their parents for no good reason Great stuff

[@beidouslegwagon]

As a child who has never felt comfortable or safe around my parents, this breaks my heart

[@DaisyAdler]

It should be the privilage of every child not to have to know it's parents in complete detail. I agree. A lot.

[@puny_God]

Yes. And parents never realise it. If the kids contradict with their views, it's wrong. Parents use their kids as a medium to resonate with. It's very rough and deteriorates the kids mental state that he/she does not realise till it's too late

[@peterfruchtig5334]

My parents use me as their emotional trashcan. Talking about their alcoholic parents, their marriage issues, about the how messed up my brother is. This messed up my mind a lot and I still have not figured out how to solve it. Im the oldest son of my family and I always felt Im responsible cause everybody told me their problems but I couldn't do anything about them. Today its a real problem for me to if Im not as good or not as effective in solving problems as I want to. It creates a lot of hate against myself. Its all cause of the modern trend that parents want to be the friends of their kids and thus want to share everything.

[@alexwilliams2276]

@@peterfruchtig5334 If it’s done everyday, then it can be problematic. But addiction is harsh and sometimes when you’re in that generation trauma state or you need healing from your inner child, then the boundaries become blurry. Being a meditator for stuff like that comes with it’s benefits but in the end it’s mentally exhausting. If you can sit your parents down and acknowledge your past and their past, then I’ll think it’ll be for the best.

[@abeldelatorre1382]

@@peterfruchtig5334 they where fucking in my room while they thought I was asleep once, not very cash money I have to say

[@lechatrelou6393]

@@peterfruchtig5334 as an older brother, I wish you good luck in finding something you can direct your frustration at, just avoid doing that on your brother, it's not a good idea and I know what I'm saying.

[@Hieuby_Dooby]

"Why are you crying? I haven't done anything yet." I'm 26 years old and that shit still sticks with me

[@prod.ryx_]

my mom does that a lot T^T. she usually says to my other younger siblings "do you want me to give you a reason to cry? if we dont, we get hit and/or get grounded

[@michele530]

I'm so sorry

[@jennifergarcia2710]

@@prod.ryx_ Same... But my mom now sees that she's hurting us, so she's trying to change. And I am happy about it. It used to be horrible, when my mom still was together with my dad. Their Relationship was toxic af. She also had bad anger issues and my dad drank a lot of alkohol. He even cheated with another woman infront of me and my sister, when I was 11 and she 7 Years old. But both always loved me and still do. Now everything is alright and I never hated my parents. They are doing a lot to make us happy and they are regretting what they did to us and to eachother.

[@Qabim]

My mom would literally get angry at me for crying. If I came to her about me wanting to kill myself, she would get angry with me. I think she feels like it's her fault.

[@bethanyjhugdeo232]

@@Qabim I hope your doing better now and no longer want’s to take your life

[@djillusii7333]

My mom kept me from playing outside in the neighborhood because it was “ghetto”. I know she was trying to do the best for me but i ended up socially awkward and I got used to being quiet and feeling lonely, which caused me to have depression and social anxiety and lack of social skills. My whole life wasn’t lonely but I had few friends in school, and i eventually drifted away from all of them because of my insecurities.

[@vixxcelacea2778]

I'm sorry you went through that. It's important for kids to interact and socialize. I hope you're doing better now and have been able to work on creating healthy social dynamics you are confident and comfortable in, or that you feel you are making progress towards it.

[@R-SUPREME]

I feel like this video perfectly explains my mother to the core. I am so blessed to have her.

[@bibliophilelady6106]

"He is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time" is my mantra both with my difficult students and when my 8 month old is up all night teething or something. (Also, in response to the last one, I don't expect exactly reciprocal love, but baby grabbed my face and tried to kiss my cheek for the first time this week and I just about burst into happy tears.)

[@That_Awkward_Mum]

I think I understand what you mean. My kid's only 4 months old, I'm still puzzled by people asking me "is he good?". He's 4 months old, he doesn't have any concept of "good" or "bad" behaviour!

[@PGOuma]

😭💕

[@_how_arethey1official818]

I really wanna hug my father like how i used to, i cant because i am too shy to go and do it My dad is an angel,but i feel like there is another reason i dont

[@Dopefish76]

The reciprocal love point is actually one I came to on my own, just by observing my parents. My kid is 4 and I tell them I love them all the time. I don’t get an I love you back every time, and that’s okay. To me, they don’t have no obligation to say anything - I know my kid loves me. It’s more important to me for THEM to hear it come from me than it is for them to say it TO me. I see my parents say I love you to my kid and when they don’t say it back, my parents repeat it. Then when they don’t say it back on the second try, my parents will say “that’s okay, I love you enough for the both of us,” which is sweet on its face, but really what they’re saying is “you don’t love me because you didn’t say it back to me when I said it to you, but that’s okay,” implying that they did something wrong. I never had that hang-up with my kid, because it was more important for my kid to know how much I love them, and IT’S OKAY if they don’t say it back. 10 minutes later they’ll come up to me and say it unprompted anyway.

[@kiralonely1307]

@@Dopefish76 This. Saying I love you to my parents has little to no meaning. It's hard to give it meaning when I'm in more adult relationships, romantic or platonic, nowadays. In order to express love, I have to write long ass essays and go into more minute detail to feel like it has any real meaning behind it, which leads to me avoiding doing that because it's hard to write essays about the same person without getting repetitive.

[@TheSuzberry]

When people would comment what a wonderful person my daughter is (as though her Dad and I had made her wonderful) I would tell them she was born that way, my job was not to mess her up.

[@angellindbergvazquez4551]

I love this :)

[@asiaderewlana4278]

That's a beautiful statement 🥺

[@yayamurthy9019]

Beautiful ❤️

[@kay8163]

Way to go mama! 🤗🌺

[@user-gd5tq7df8h]

Beautiful - thank you

[@NoxAtlas]

I know many things went wrong during my childhood and left me with a number of traumas, but this video makes it even clearer to me what exactly was so messed up

[@blueedits.comofficial]

The worst part is that my parents always saw me as an enemy, like what i would do was just to get back at them. It hurts just how torn apart our relationship is

[@taketheredpill1452]

my mom was NEVER wrong the entire time I knew her. I haven't talked to her in 15 years and I never will.

[@abbysducky2395]

same case, but with my dad. I guess i'll start now. It's been really exhausting.

[@taketheredpill1452]

@@abbysducky2395 This may save you some time. Something I recently realized that made a big difference. When internally confronted with the desire to communicate with them or help them or hoping they've become better, etc... I now leave their redemption up to THEM and their relationship with their guide. It's not my business or my responsibility. Yes, as a human, I have a vested interest in people around me being healthy but that only means if enough people become healthy we'd relocate the psychopaths.

[@Tubeytime]

And she never tried to guilt trip you for not talking to her and act like you're the bad one for breaking off the relationship as if she didn't bring this upon herself? Asking for a friend.

[@taketheredpill1452]

@@Tubeytime Every child is different but parents like these find their weaknesses. I never gave in to the guilt trip but I did give in to the fear that if I didn't bow to her then she'd abandon me; I believed she was that kind of person. Funny that I read this quote today because I'm working through this particular issue this week. Thanks man

[@birdieculture]

Lol at least one of your parents were OK(?) Both of my parents were never wrong lmao

[@pattttay26]

20 yrs later and my mom’s shocked why we’re not close🧚‍♂️💫🌸🌷🦋

[@iamazole]

I literally type like this and no one understands 😩

[@emilyowen2555]

And whenever you try to explain it to someone who doesn’t know her - “Oh she can’t be that bad” 🥴

[@gwills9337]

its a shame we can't expect our parents to admit responsibility for how badly they fuck up their children.

[@Igordrs]

People tend to think that you owe something to your parents just because they did the basic obligation of 'raising' you, avoiding all the other problems that can come from it

[@peabody3000]

you're all spot on

[@justaguy3538]

For me, it's enough knowing that they simply didn't know better, they had many bad traits and they did hurt me and themselves. But really how can you blame them when they did their best and what they've known as the best? All that effort and love they put into me, i can only be grateful...

[@Mattmanwow]

As far as my parents go. I basically rolled a 3/20 my mother abandoned and replaced me with another child when i was 8 and my father abused me and made me feel guilty for still trying to love my mother. If i ever have kids. They will never know their grandparents on my end.

[@domadordepollosmm]

Number 7 is VERY IMPORTANT. Never should a son/daughter become their parents' therapist or escape

[@Tubeytime]

That was the experience of my 2 siblings and I with our single mom. We still regularly have conversations about how crazy she was and is. Mountains out of mole hills was a regular thing. We tried for so long to teach her how to vibe and it's only now starting to take effect as I approach 30. It has taken such a toll on us and I constantly wonder where we would be if we did not have the burden of her anxieties weighing us down or a father who could offload some of her insanity.

[@spoopymantis4329]

My mom probably needs to hear this.

[@NA-cr7up]

@@Tubeytime This reads exactly like my life. Here's hoping things will keep getting better for both of us :)

[@stupidbluegoblin77]

I'm the therapist to my friends and family and I put up with it because it's the only way I've ever felt loved or appreciated. I did not realize this wasn't normal. I just kinda thought that every child's happiness depended on their usefulness to their parents...

[@katadam2186]

@@stupidbluegoblin77 Look into Codependent behavior, narcissistic personality disorder and borderline behavior disorder, also scapegoats, flying monkeys The dynamics you speak of fits into a pattern of people pleasing behavior ( being there for everyone, learn to create boundaries), people will keep using you make sure they reciprocate when you need them ( even test it out, do they listen to you and care)!

[@avengersteve]

allowing kids the luxury to pick their own identity is so important even if the identity is meant lovingly. i grew up as "the smart/gifted one" and began to place such expectations on myself that i would cry if i got a B in school and feel unworthy to receive christmas gifts if i felt like i wasnt meeting my potential.

[@lucykuo4871]

Me too.

[@golgothasterrified]

I have severe ADHD, and I mean severe. I was labelled the smart, gifted one in primary school, but that label was IMMEDIATELY taken away in intermediate school when it became clear I couldn't keep up with it. And thus I was labelled the failure, or the one who "Just needs to apply himself", and because I did extraordinarily well on tests and exams but never turned in essays or homework, I was called lazy. I never graduated high school. The only reason I'm fairly well-adjusted nowadays is that getting on the correct medication helped me in university. My parents never took me to a psychiatrist. I had to do that myself.

[@avengersteve]

@@golgothasterrified sorry you had to go through that, it is an unfortunately common story (and very similar to my own)

[@siwamoon5353]

i used to think my only value as a child in my house was that i was smart. and when HS came around my grades got worse and i felt worthless

[@josue1996jc]

@@golgothasterrified dude, i REAAAALLLYYY feel you, just like you, as soon as i entered intermediate school that same label was tanken away from me and i startes taking medication for the ADHD that i feel that drained all my energy so i became the "lazy one", but i did finished highschool (i did stoped taking the meds not log after i asked for them to be removed). still to this day i am labeled as lazy even tho i work harder than anyone on my family (because of their fault i had left univerity) and even without a tittle i make more than my father, and he is a medic . . .

[@epRivera]

I've always been grateful for my parents. This video and these comments make me even more so.

[@holybean6133]

Comments make me even more appreciative towards my parents. Both mom and dad played their role well for me. As usual, my mother was the "oh no baby is everything okay", and my dad was the "he is fine, it happens, try it again". So I got both the caring given, and the courage the to try again. I'm truly grateful, though, it sometimes makes me anxious, because I have the feel, that I need to thank them this, by becoming successful in life.

[@petiteguignol]

I disagree with having to be "boring." My parents were wonderful, but they were also utterly embarrassing weirdos. (They still are, but as an adult I find it endearing rather than annoying.) However, they were also very stable. Let's not confuse stability with boredom.

[@lovablecharacter8167]

Agreed. I was thinking this when the "boringness" part came on. I've seen dads get to the same level of their boys, dressing up like batman and playing games. Also mothers dressing up for tea parties with their girls. But the embarrassing parents are always funny when you're an adult looking back, it made me realize not to take life and other's opinions seriously.

[@TheAcdcninja]

I think it’s down to the kid though a lot. I know my mum in particular was too much, and was completely unable to take a back seat even when expressly asked sometimes

[@sal7067]

Right? Its such an interesting choice to go for the concept of boring when what they are describing is more akin to "Reliability" "Stability" or even "Consistency"... why would being uninteresting or tedious be desirable trait? I understand where they are getting at but I do find the fixation on the word "boring" troubling.

[@SobrietyandSolace]

'Parental quirks and flaws' were mentioned still but yes, calm/stability shouldn't be conflated with being boring.

[@LilThreat88]

I think they pick the word boring, because not everybody has the imagination and creativity to be fun weirdos. I think they're trying to say that parents should not push themselves to be fun, they should just accept being themselves, even if that's "boring."

[@Lowdermoomoo]

I came to have my heart broken because I’ve gone through every checklist of how my parents failed me, but as soon as the test started I remembered that I laid on the floor with my 4 year old today, we fed the fish together, she pretended to be a cat and then fell asleep in my lap while watching her favorite Tim burton movie. She got sad because she didn’t get to feed the fish their shrimp treats because I had mixed them with their flakes so I showed he she had indeed put the treats in there. As the video went on I kind of forgot about my childhood and started identifying myself with the “good parent” described in the video. I really needed that, because some days I don’t feel like I’m doing my best or I feel overwhelmed but this was a nice reminder. Thank you.

[@UniqueliAnimationsSN]

Hey just wanted to say your comment really made me cry. I grew up and still am growing up in a dysfunctional family. Ive noticed that a lot of what i do is because of my childhood experience and reading your comment has made me go into my "i wish i had a parent like that" thinking. But as read through i realized ill never have a parent like that and thats ok, cause some day i can be the better parent whod try and understand their child. Whom will love them unconditionally...

[@jigyasasingh1210]

You have already broken the ‘bad parenting’ lineage my friend! I You baby is definitely lucky to have you! All the best! 💐💐💐

[@sugoish9461]

​@@lovefool.99But also!!! Don't expect your child to heal you! Some parents get a boost in their healing journey when they have a child, but others do not, for any of the many different possible reasons. You can't know which category you will happen to fall in, so if you don't think you're stable enough to handle difficult situations without losing control, _please don't put a child through that._ It's unfair to hold that expectation on the children, even if meant well and not at all meant to be an expectation on _them._

[@danielpassmore5026]

If you are calling your 4 year old He she you have already failed.

[@linad.5476]

Why did this make me emotional 😭 😂 god bless you ma’am

[@ShadoeLandman]

Little things a parent does are little things to the parent, but they can be very big, memorable, influential things to the child that they never forget.

[@M._Blitzen]

Looking back and remembering, I don’t think any of those principles were ever displayed by my parents, finding this at around the middle of my teens made me think, I realize, I’ve never really felt loved, cared for, wanted, even liked by my parents, I learnt more to fear, to hate and resent them, I’ve felt hated, unwanted, useless, not worth anything, I’ve felt abused, heck, I’ve been abused, most likely I’ve been traumatized, I have resented and hated myself for so long because I couldn’t even be what they wanted me to be, the part that I might have adhd, ocd, and probably autism, as I fit most of the patterns, and being gay, made me feel even less of a normal person, being the weird one, the one who stands out, thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve felt how true love and happiness were until I met my boyfriend, who is basically everything I could ask for, I don’t feel uncomfortable around him, I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff from him, I don’t even feel any negative things when around him, i just am happy with him, without him I would have already taken my life by now, he just makes me wanna live and go on further, sorry for the rant but I really needed to get this out of my chest after seeing this video and realizing

[@NanoNekoGirl]

That moment when you don’t need a test to know your parents shouldn’t even be called parents

[@puny_God]

Truly heartbreaking. This might have made you a lot more self reliant than normal.

[@infernalstryfe]

@@puny_God I'm self reliant to a fault, & always calculating my next move for my survival. Trust, & connection, are alien concepts. The only time someone claims to "care," or "love you," you can rest assured, it's because they are trying to manipulate you into getting them whatever it is they desire. No one is sincere in their motives, & nothing is freely given. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid.

[@puny_God]

@@infernalstryfe realising that is truly just sad man

[@infernalstryfe]

@@puny_God it is what it is. That's just life. I'll continue to survive.

[@puny_God]

@@infernalstryfe Amen. I hope it gets better for you man. Always keep up this high spirit 🥳

[@AB-pr4uc]

My parents totally failed this test. They made home into a warzone. So here I am at the age of 32 refusing to have kids because I'm always one step from self-admitting or worse. Screw subjecting anyone to that.

[@lilyflower6096]

Same!!

[@SS-hv7bo]

Same.

[@alinesemencio]

You can do the things the video tell us about for yourself first. I am doing those for myself while raising a child of my own. It’s hard hard work, self knowledge every hour, to be a better parent than mine were, but it’s possible.

[@CorrinaMusic]

I hear you

[@cottagefairy7161]

Raising child is hard and I am proud of you for being aware of your limits. If a person decides not to have kid because they can't handle it or fear that they might do something wrong IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM A BAD PERSON

[@user-id8ll5vt7x]

My mom made good job taking in regard all of the circumstances. She never had a good example of a parent in her life and her childhood was traumatic. She didn`t ever have a person that would love her, support her and accept her. She learned it for me and my brother. Even is it`s not as perfect as it could be it`s still so much much better than what she was taught. I`m honored to carry similarities to you, mom. I love you and I`m proud of you. Thank you for breaking the cycle. I`ll try to make it even better.

[@lordemed1]

I wish i could say, at age 73, i was well -parented. I've had a lifetime of emotional imstabilites, pain and terror as as a result. I am alive today because of the intensive work i ve done with special and compassionate shrinks.

[@AK-jt7kh]

This sounds like a documentary created by aliens to explain the wild human in its natural environment

[@patman_for_sure]

You know, you might be on to something 😂

[@sonia888]

1:50 ⬆️👽👾👀

[@Patres]

it scares me

[@PurpleLightsaberAlex]

Sometimes taking the seat of an external observer can be enlightening, I guess.

[@hollygordonphotography4805]

Haha! Yes! Let’s make it a book, a movie and a world tour!

[@NK-bz9wb]

This comment section in understandably full of rather painful childhood stories and reflections. Even if you don't share your own, know that you have support, love and understanding from all of us strangers who came here to do same. Love and happiness to all ♥️

[@puny_God]

🥺🥺🥺♥️

[@modisedaeswatiniprincess6944]

Mommy and daddy issues shining through in here

[@AcidiFy574]

@@modisedaeswatiniprincess6944 & that is a bad thing now??

[@AcidiFy574]

What about the people who commited su!c1d3 ??

[@modisedaeswatiniprincess6944]

@@AcidiFy574 I'm complaining... my problem is that so many of us have these parental issues meaning we didn't receive the care and unconditional love every child deserves and needs. 🤷🏽‍♀️ yes it's a problem because it just shows how many horrible people are having kids even when they shouldn't. Mommy and daddy issues are a serious problem that often gives birth to even bigger mental illnesses. Yes its bad

[@clangauss4155]

As this source clearly shows in the graphic at 1:50, good parents only exist in a reality without the Italian peninsula.

[@jager0724]

My favourite line from my dad goes like "When you're under my roof, you follow my rules" Mum had some golden lines like "You'll never amount to anything" and "You're a disappointment" She got especially abusive when I dropped out of university, but quickly changed the tune when I got a job as a software engineer. We don't talk much, as you can imagine and I have recently become quite selfish with my family and see everything they want from me as another battle. I don't help them out much, either, and it feels liberating. I don't wish them success, just to leave me tf alone... I guess it's a way for me to take back agency in my own life.

[@vixxcelacea2778]

You are the one who decides if you consent to interaction relationships with them. You do not have to forgive them if you do not feel inclined. It's healthy to process and in a way accept the situation you were thrown into and the trauma you incurred, not to excuse or minimize, but just to acknowledge that it did have impact and that it did happen. You're well with in your right to live your own life free from them as much as you deem appropriate for your boundaries. You are not beholden to them. Something people really struggle with to realize. You don't owe them anything. They owed you and they failed. The relationship was never mutual, which is why good parenting is so vital, because it acknowledge that it is an imbalanced relationship and works to try to minimize the impact of hat by respecting agency and consent as much as possible in the various stages of development so that the person can in fact develop in a healthy compassionate manner. I hope it's not weird to say, but this internet stranger is proud of you for taking and having the opportunity to bring back agency into your life, because you matter and it is entirely up to you to decide your boundaries and who you want to interact with.