Knowing Ourselves Intellectually vs. Knowing Ourselves Emotionally

[@theschooloflifetv]

How well do you think you know yourself? Let us know in the comments below or we have a discussion going on right now on our app available free here: goo.gl/mWdupK

[@MiraSumanti]

Android version of the app please!

[@shinfelidae2751]

Very well I think. Since I was a kid I've been thinking about what happend to me and why, my feelings, and how everything effects me. It was and still is my strategy to 'survive' because I had to deal with a lot of shit. My mother is an emotionally abusive person. She appears to be a narcissist. She broke up with my dad when I was 5 because he used to have a problem with alcohol. He still can't really handle his own live (neither mine).My mother and me, we never much money so I was always worried about having the least amount of cloths..( I had to buy them by myself from 20€ of poked money each month) I was bullied for 9 years in school and had no friends for a few years. My first suicidal thoughts appeared when I was 7. I thought no one would miss me. When I was 10-11 years old my mother's ex used to touch me ..the worst about it was how my family and my first boyfriend reacted to this. They where disgusted of me and started fighting with each other who is the 'real victim'. I was just an object for their fight and this hurts me like everything else described here until today. It worsend until I got 13 ( I didn't kill myself because I told me that my cat needs me and that I am worth something because I have good grades (my parents couldn't give me the support I needed so back then I desperately had to figure out how to myself worth ) I also had an emotionally abusive boyfriend when I was 13. He was my first one and gave me hope but turned out to be toxic. I didn't notice it because I felt like I needed his 'love' (there was no one else). After I finally (after multiple times) gave up trying to stop him from leaving me because of ridiculous reasons I started to think and care even more for myself. I found friends, which helped me to find self appreciation despite my grades in school. But the situation in my family worsened even more when I was 14-16 years old . I couldn't stand my mother any longer because we argued every fucking day. I hated and still can not really stand her bare presence. At the end of us living together I rather wanted to kill myself than stay any longer. I went to the Jugendamt ( it's a governmental organisation that helps kids and teens in Germany) and they found a WG for me where I still live now. I am getting money to live my live independently and organize my household all by myself. I found nice friends and broke up with old toxic contacts. I am going to a good therapist for almost 3 years now. He is helping me to understand my emotions even better! I'm 19 Years old now and attending to a German highschool. After that I think I want to learn a job with chemistry. Maybe I'll study after that but first I want to get rid of the pressure they are building up in schools and universitys because it's kinda stressing to me. I have a boyfriend and I'm with him since a year and a half now. I love him and he loves me. My savior (my cat ) is still with me. I'm going my way and I'm looking forward to live my life. My scars will never fade and even tough it still hurts sometimes I'm happy and proud. „I always had to struggle and to fight and that made me strong, that made me who I am!"💕 I am always trying to 'forgive' everyone who hurts me. My mother's ex was sorry so it was rather easy for me. But the others never excused. Anyway I am telling myself that they didn't hurt me on purpose or they did it because they where suffering of their own problems. For example: My father is manic depressive, my mother is overwhelmed by everything, these kids who bullied me, they maybe where insecure. And I think I would have acted the same if I had the same past and mind, weaknesses and strengths. So I tell myself that they have their own problems what explaines their abusiveness and why they aren't 'bad' but also that I don't have to suffer from that. I can not save these people and I have to save me (without causing more damage then necessary) 😊

[@MindNow]

Shin Felidae wow, I just read all of what you wrote and I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I thought I had it rough, but I guess you had it rougher since you also got abused. I'm so sorry to hear that and I respect you for having gone through all of that and till this day you now have a bf who loves you and you have your cat which gave you hope. I am so happy for you that everything turned out well even though you had a very rough past. The truth is that sometimes it hurts so damn much because some things are really just unfair because we haven't done anything wrong, but that's why I'm really really happy for you that you are ok now :) Stay happy and thank you bf and cat for being there for you

[@shinfelidae2751]

Winny Films Thank you very much. You are so kind. But let me tell you...I think it isn't about who has had it harder. I think ( without knowing everyone) that almost everyone had or has it hard. It's all about perspective and really subjective. No one has to search for an excuse to feel saddened about his or her past. For example : Maybe brain cancer is worse than a broken bone but that doesn't mean a broken bone isn't hurting at all :0

[@MindNow]

Shin Felidae I agree with that :)

[@alanmarino404]

"We need the novel not the essay" That kind of touched me really deep inside

[@submissiveproviderstboth9485]

Alan Mariño the nuance of the matters😍😍😍

[@itsame1277]

When we truly feel past hurts only then can we really understand it and most importantly allow our 'adult' self to acknowledge it and finally move on.

[@SearchSakib]

I haven't understood this statement. Would you kindly explain it to me?

[@SearchSakib]

I haven't understood this statement. Would you please explain it to me.

[@alanmarino404]

@@SearchSakib Novels are literary and emotional, opposed to essays which are intelectual and factual. That's how we are supposed to relive our life stories, not only by knowing what the causes of our problems are, but also, we should try to remember and know those moments that in the past caused unhappiness and sorrow. So will we be able to understand properly our traumas in order to lead better lives and move on.

[@gracesanity6314]

At 60 having read hundreds of books, l remember none of them. It was only when l stayed with the uncomfortableness of feeling my feelings. Only then did l begin to grow and become emotionally aware, emotionally intelligent. An inner connection and selfhood came up to keep me company. Feel to heal

[@elessar0009]

I have always wondered what exactly this means, to stay with the uncomfortable feelings, to feel the feelings. What does it mean? As opposed to what? Suppressing them? But that doesn’t happen consciously does it? I’d appreciate your help.

[@suad-5232]

@@elessar0009 to sit with uncomfortable feelings for me means to allow yourself to feel whatever youre feeling and consoling yourself at your own pace, to not avoid or judge yourself for feeling a certain type of way but to simply feel, and then heal at your own pace. Hope that was helpful

[@elessar0009]

suad - thank you. I think I’ll try that. Sick and tired of my vicious cycles already. Time for a change. Thank you. I appreciate that.

[@patmureithi]

🙏

[@chandlerfletcher4317]

i want to meet you Grace, Im sure you would have wonderful insight on life.

[@cup_check_official]

oh the things i have learned from this channel.

[@dochmbi]

Yep. I've watched every single school of life video and become a much better person for it..

[@FirstLast-cf4mi]

This video is amazing and I've only given 'The School Of Life'' £31,742.26 so far and I already hate myself 14% less! Wot a bargain!

[@quaresma7besiktas13]

i watched many videos of this channel and they keep saying we should focus on our past to solve the problems of today

[@hero9402]

Yes

[@dannyallegra]

While watching the video I was thinking: "having a partner is a great way to relieve past emotions". My husband and I went to couples therapy, but what helped us the most was reading together "Getting the love you want". While reading it, my husband and I opened our past stories, our traumas, and realized how they were affecting our relationship. We gave each other consolation and compassion, and that healed our wounds pretty much. It was a beautiful process that brought us together and taught us a new way to communicate our feelings and by doing that to heal our issues.

[@memetime5216]

Thank you for sharing, have a great day

[@adelaova9868]

Thanks for the book recommendation! Sounds like something I might need.

[@jedics1]

This explains why smart people can be incredibly stupid, especially in relationships because to rationalising your emotions you need the ability to see yourself and the situation your in as a third person observer. Surprisingly few people can do this well in my experience.

[@return2innocence221]

VERY true!

[@KayKayshaw]

This is happening to me oh my God i'm tired

[@anthonylee6112]

@@KayKayshaw I feel you

[@aavya6787]

"You are"

[@HizkiaHuwae]

This is so me.

[@heloisacmg]

As a clinical psychologist, I was so touched by this video! It is so beautifully made, thank you, School of Life!

[@michelleburkholder2547]

Heloisa C. Mehl Gonçalves I so don't trust you people. I found DIY to be much more effective. Some of you people are just drug pushers. And taking responsibility for my health in every way is much better than having you people who tend to be out of shape and sickly.

[@heloisacmg]

I'm really sorry you feel that way, Michelle... But I also understand it. I know many professionals that are just bad people, but continue on doing their work in a negative way, and that worries me a great deal... And I'm glad you could take responsibility for your health and get better, but not everyone is in a place where they can do that, and for them, we try our best to help and be there for them.

[@ЯнаРоссошанская-х1ц]

Heloisa C. Mehl Gonçalves Dear Heloisa, I really appreciate your job and all the effort you put in it for other people: patience, self-control, close attention, putting yourself "in their shoes", and, at the same time, objectivity. Also, I believe it is very healthy for people to have a professional stranger like you to act as an emotional gateaway, someone we, striken humans, can come and pour out to without the fear of being judged or looked at oddly. Although I myself have an issue (related to seeking additional help in the future; nothing serious, though) of unnecessarily thinking that I "complain" when I pour out either random or more serious distresses of mine... Moreover, I feel bad looking for a lovely stranger to talk to because my family and close ones might think their support is not enough to make me feel at ease... Both of those are surely not true. Back to my point - I wanted to sincerely thank you for doing what you chose to do for others! Your concern and dedication would definitely make an enormous difference in the health of our society because nothing can hold bottled-up emotions and problems - even the Earth cracks and erupts as volcanoes! 😂🤗❤️🙌🏻

[@heloisacmg]

Thank you so much for the kind words, Yana! And I loved the volcano metaphor; will definitely use it in the future!

[@aquarius198]

is jordan peterson a good cl. psyc. `?

[@mariannaackerman6093]

As a psychotherapist, I feel very grateful to you for such a clear exposition of why insight is not enough to heal. Bravo, beautifully succinct.

[@misslawlesss]

Exactly me. Always coming out from a pricy session feeling like I have talked and philosophied but not healed a bit.

[@Shinkajo]

You are always taking about how formative childhood is, but having examined mine thoroughly I have come to understand that most of my problems don't stem from there. Most of it comes from my teenage years. Can you maybe make videos about that period? For example, I wasn't shy at all as a child, but grew to be as a teenager. I wasn't rejected as a child, but started experiencing it later, which made me disappointed in people and life in general and that has ramifications to this day. I had all the attention and affection that one would want as a child, yet I'm scared of intimacy and opening myself. So it would be helpful to understand those sorts of dynamics from a time when we really start socializing with our peers and how they affect us as we get older. There is only so much I can blame on my parents.

[@COMxx1345]

Shinkajo yes

[@Michelle-je9jk]

Shinkajo i'm the same as you

[@OutSideTheBoxFormat]

There's your problem right there. Living in the past and blaming you inadequacies on others.

[@Shinkajo]

Air Em Out I think you are missing the point here. I don't blame anyone.

[@OutSideTheBoxFormat]

_There is only so much I can blame on my parents._ Your words not mine.

[@sltfilho]

I leave this for whoever it may help. I have been through therapy but was not able to relive the past emotionally. But when I went to couple therapy I had to overcome the shame of talking about it in front of my wife. It was like opening a torrent. It transformed my life. I advise it to everyone. I always thought there was something wrong with me. Until then. Before that, I never knew I was simply afraid of connecting with others.

[@dannyallegra]

In fact, while watching the video I was thinking: "having a partner is a great way to relieve past emotions". I also went to couples therapy but what helped us the most was reading together "Getting the love you want". While reading it together, my husband and I opened our past stories, our traumas, and realized how they were affecting our relationship. We gave each other consolation and compassion and that healed our wounds pretty much. It was a beautiful process that brought us together and taught us a new way to communicate our feelings and by doing that to heal our issues.

[@thisisntallowed9560]

Men are often emotionally constipated. Sorry for the harsh words but, they are conditionned like that. But some just don't face it. It's really hard to talk about shameful things especially to a person who is concerned. Sometimes it's better to go gradually instead of directly telling it to someone. Once you're aware of the issue it's a big step.

[@alinahaider1322]

You just helped me! The idea sounds good. We both know we need/want therapy anyway but instead of doing this alone, we can do it together. It should be nice to lean into someone for compassion

[@zengrenouille]

I have c-ptsd and an doing emdr therapy. This channel is so beautiful. Processing emotions for the first time has me feeling like I'm losing my mind. Then I come here and feel so comforted. In a world where I'm essentially an alien, this kind of understanding is everything.

[@VioletannaVlogs]

Kinda different but non-fictional books educates us on facts and knowledge. Which is obviously very important. Whereas fiction taps into our emotions and imagination. It allow us to view the world from a different perspective. To empathise with characters of different ages and times. To imagine impossible worlds full of colour and magic that are not possible to actually exist in our own. We need both to understand ourselves and the world. With just one we will never get the full picture.

[@NoFacephilosophy]

You definitely should comment this on their previous video.

[@naturallaw1733]

for Non-Fiction I go with Books. and for Fiction I go with Movies. 🛸

[@KindlingKatalyst]

OK, but you can also get different perspectives, emotions, empathizing, ages, and times, all from autobiographies spread out across space and time, too. I think you'll find lots of interesting material (even fantastical) in online Dream Journal sites, too, and those are all by real people experiencing real problems to set off the symbolism. I hope you're not suggesting that my friend who opts not to read fiction is somehow missing some necessary part of being human, because there are lots of ways to do and be that.

[@InstilledPhearCostumeCavern]

This is a most brilliant analogy and I am committing this to memory for whenever intellectual vs. emotional intelligence might show up in conversation (which, for me, has been quite frequently since I discovered this channel).

[@franciscozattoni]

The problem is I have such a hard time remembering my childhood. Although I'm still 22, It seems so blank and tough to remember particularly how I felt and thought as a kid or teenager. It seems so distant to me.

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

Same here. I barely have any memories from childhood

[@84Elenai]

Hi! I am in my thirties, I've been doing some cognitive-behavioral therapy (with a psychologist not a psychiatrist, no drugs involved) for a couple of years, and I had the same problem: couldn't remember much, even basic stuff like my parents hugging me, complimenting me or being mad at me. It was super weird. Turns out, even though I did not have a hugely traumatic childhood, the every day anxious and problematic environment gave me a lot, and I mean A Lot, of problems and insecurities. It's called experiencing "small trauma events" in a continuos way when you are a child/young adolescent, and the fact that you can remember very little about those times can be a clear signal of those small but still important, continuous traumas. I am not a professional, just sharing what I learned from my experience with psychological therapy 😊✌️

[@sammy6714]

@@84Elenai is it impossible to recover those memories?

[@84Elenai]

@@sammy6714 no, it isn't impossible. Nowadays, with the new EMDR techniques, you should be able to retrieve at least some of them. You just have to find the right therapist who use this technique in his. The technique has been tested and works very well for trauma, obsessions, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, etc. Good luck!

[@sammy6714]

@@84Elenai thank you

[@karinturkington2455]

For most of my life I've been terrified of my feelings. They've always been so intense and frightening to me. There was never a supportive adult to help me through those feelings, and as a child, that can be quite horrific and isolating. To have to experience deep pain alone with no reassurance that these feelings are normal and natural can result in intense loneliness. Being accepted in the midst of strong feelings is the most important kind of support, I believe. It normalizes the intensity of what you feel and provides a hopefully loving witness to your sorrow. At 59 years of age, it has taken me this much of my life to not be so afraid to cry for a seemingly unknown or ancient reason. I'm not afraid that the crying will never stop, which I used to fear. I know it will stop and when it does, I will feel more relaxed and relieved of some of the tension that my muscles have been carrying around for years holding on to the tension of those unexpressed tears. I devour books, videos, etc on the topics of trauma and PTSD and occasionally I'll read something that taps into a deep feeling place and my tears will flow. I believe that feeling things that I wasn't allowed to feel in moments past helps me to soften the hardened parts of myself and discharge the pain through allowing my body to express those feelings. Each little opportunity to express sadness, etc. taps into another memory that relates to the original wound and story. It's actually quite fascinating. A few years ago, I began writing about my experiences and this has continued and is also very helpful.

[@Sonzoul1]

i am 57 and i started to looking into my childhood in my 40's. I did not do therapy but i am able to remember my childhood and the trauma very clearly, sometimes, in a way that i feel it happened yesterday. I remember details of what i was wearing, what the food was when my father became angry. I am able to see today why i react the way i react and trying to undo the harm. It is working for me.

[@MasculineMan]

Really amazing animations on these channel, whenever I watch them I feel like I need to up my game lol. Can always count on quality content from this channel, I think I speak for everyone when I say, thank you :)

[@benjamming883]

Masculine Man have you upped your damn game or not yet mate I see you comment this on so many videos 😂 getting them clicks No discredit though I like what you do 👌

[@juliosken]

I'm looking for a masculine man, is that you?

[@assclownmcgraw5634]

And I speak for this channel when I say welcome.

[@andreme7326]

Despiring, unpick, abate. This is a great source for learning new words.

[@anewman]

Sam Harris/ Christopher Hitchens are among the most proficient in terms of mastery of the language, if you want to really want to bolster your vocabulary.

[@andreme7326]

Austin Newman , I'll check them, thank you.

[@darkangel890]

Visceral too. I'm not a native English speaker

[@zareenatheasimone3945]

Facing burnout from postgraduate study right now and this could not be more timely. On an intellectual level, I understand I have a perfectionist streak, an obsession with high achievement and an all or nothing nature, but it didn't stop me working myself sick. Getting back to basics and taking a holiday for some self care.

[@mmm59mmm]

I've been there, i've done that. I sat on a chair in the clinic and i weeped as a jungle of memories raced back to face me. It's scary to let go of the driving wheel but this works, and helps, and i'd do it again if need be.

[@mava4912]

Matt I do it at home following Marie Christie Sheldon,s guided meditation and I get immediate change without pain.

[@m0L3ify]

It's interesting to hear the purpose of psychotherapy described here because there seems to be a shift in the philosophy of how to conduct psychotherapy here in the United States. Over the past couple of years, all the therapists I've seen have not only been focused on CBT, but a specific type where they aren't interested in the past at all. They are singularly focused on correcting cognitive distortions without any context about where they came from, like trying to fix people in a bubble. And they try to do it in 10 weeks. It's the intellectual version of psychotherapy. The clear message I got from every session was "I'm not interested in hearing about your mother, I simply want you to list your cognitive distortions so we can fix them." But then they'd never really address them in session. I'd do my homework, come in with a list, they'd ask me what I wanted to talk about, I'd talk about that thing, then they'd proceed to tell me I was wasting time by recounting the past. One told me I may as well be talking about baseball for all it was worth. I'm curious to know why this new theory of psychotherapy has emerged and if it's common or not. It's certainly not at all helpful since it doesn't at all allow clients to analyze the past in an emotional way as described here. I get more out of KZbin videos and books than I do from face-to-face sessions. It's certainly cheaper, too. I could buy 3 good journals for the cost of once session and get a year's worth of progress out of them.

[@Lena-mj3kr]

Everytime I watch the video on this channel I feel like having session with therapist 🙂

[@afreen5058]

Now I understand why my therapist wanted me to start from my earliest memory, and why I can barely tap into it. Also, I'm known for being intellectual and I'm guilty of being unemotional during confrontations, not knowing how to emotionally connect to others or myself.

[@rushabhgothi8880]

This happens to me quite a few times..

[@afreen5058]

Hello me of two years ago. Time flies as fast as fuck. You know about the school of life in 2019?!?! Anyway, that therapist you spoke of was a really good therapist. I regret that I left him; most of what I do now is mindless talk therapy. I've been considering switching to psychotherapy specifically, and hoping to find someone who can aid me in my emotional healing, because I've been at it for two years and still feel "stuck."

[@behuman3811]

I never knew that re-living the past memories was a basic way to heal ourself. I though I'm a crybaby when I'm alone, I remember the pain and always make journal what I'm feeling whenever I cry. I could easily triggered to re-live the past memeories, just because I read any article related, hear a music and lyric, video or movie, or even just a story of another people. It can trigger me so easily. But I took chance when I'm triggered, I would take that as a part of me that need to be heal Thankyou so much for your video

[@kristylinton8449]

Thank you for posting these. I am learning how not to default to shame and fear as my only emotions. This is opening my eyes to where it could be stemming from.

[@PorteñaCali]

I love you Alain!! I love your compassionate voice and your idea of opening The School Of Life

[@phantomisle]

I'm...allowed to feel?

[@Byzantish]

It sounds and feels strange but now we can do it, finally

[@bennyton2560]

I know right

[@cobalt1754]

It's weird how common this question is. Fact: there are no feeling police, and we're allowed to feel whatever we want or don't want, no matter what anyone says.

[@technomage6736]

Yup, I feel myself a lot ;)

[@nessie968]

This comment hits home

[@GZHN27]

I'm very grateful for this, thank you! According to this I have exactly 0,0 emotional self-knowledge. On an Intellectual level I can explain a lot about my life and my past but I have never really experienced the emotions. To be honest, I'm actually only familiar with the emotions anger and fear and even those I can't deal with. Sometimes I experience little moments of joy but my mind always knows a way to ruin it. It's as if I dont allow myself to feel joy. It seems I have a lot of work to do and these new insights you gave me will help a lot and is probably gonna save me countless hours of useless thinking, analysing and rationalizing without feeling the emotions.

[@marshacreary2442]

The videos on attachment styles do a great job of addressing points that both Erickson and Piaget made regarding childhood trauma

[@smishize]

Even though I cannot afford to attend the conferences that TSOL organizes and meet the speakers such Botton. I am reminded that their work, which they publish for free, is in fact an eternal conversation, that I can have at my own schedule. The School of Life has done us a tremendous service by understanding the mode in which we take in information in this era. These delightful 5 minutes videos serve to introduce important ideas, using attractive animations and graphics, and the most soothing voice on the internet. I began watching these videos a few years ago and they couldn't have come soon enough. Please keep the generous spirit of this channel alive, you have no idea of the extent of good you are doing.

[@mava4912]

Now i understand why affirmations did not help me until the emotional revival of the past was substituted by new loving energy, then I was released from my past sad experiences or blockades. Thanks Alan and your team. Wonderful video. I wished it could be in Spanish as well so that I could share it with more people

[@ellielindsey7454]

I get so intrigued intellectually about things I discover through therapy and self-inquiry. But I am horrible at tapping into actually re-living/re-feeling those emotions!!

[@lysa5522]

Ellie Lindsey same here ! Its way easier for me to intellectualize every emotion rather than to speak with my heart and cry like a baby 😅 I Guess we should let go of control and stop judging our emotions...

[@susannamgreenmclarenmoveme3999]

Ly sa try guided imagery meditation, or self guided memory meditation. It can be a very powerful tool.

[@lysa5522]

Susanna Green classical meditation never worked on me but I'll try imagery meditation, thanks

[@mava4912]

Ellie Lindsey , try so see Marie Christie Sheldon,s videos about abundance blockades clearing. I followed her exercises and it was not painful. Alan,s video made clear to me what Christie worked out in her technique. It was immediate release.

[@siddsen95]

The single greatest lesson to gain in self-understanding and eventual realisation. You cannot think your way out of feeling.

[@jaymhill]

And that my friends is what you call growing pains, welcome to life 🙏🏾💖

[@rektchord]

As someone that is currently in psychotherapy I'd just like to say how spot on this video is ! Love it

[@kevinb780]

I cannot express just how true this is from my own experiences.

[@ruoweilim7334]

thank you. i needed this especially. *"we need the novel, not the essay."*

[@An1MuS]

This video touched only very briefly on the most important part of going back to the past. Feeling what happened, without any change can and often is just re traumatizing. The most important part is that this time the story needs to reflect the truth - for example, if your parents bullied us and left us feeling worthless, feeling it wasn't our fault and we were always worthy. The goal is not to re experience the worthlessness, but in fact the opposite. To experience the relief and soothing from realizing it was never us. That the experience was based on someone else behaving badly. Perhaps, hopefully, someone kind would comfort us when we are reexperiencing that moment, assuring us that was wrong of those to act in such way, and that a good enough parent would have done it in a kind loving way, and what that might have looked like. This second part is, in my opinion and personal experiences, where the biggest potential for healing is.

[@aamnahere6250]

Thank you. You're right and this does make a lot of sense.

[@VictorYamaykin]

I can relate to the line about intellectuals having a tricky time in therapy because the ideas are interesting but then reviewing the emotions can get overlooked and the therapeutic side of self-healing and self-soothing is missed

[@dawynn9362]

I really appreciate the visual presentation in a lot of the videos on this channel. For us visual learners, this helps so much. Many thanks.

[@MakerTom2022]

I have defintitely dodged my emotions through cerebralization. They cropped up involuntarily recently, effecting a painful goodbye to an old flame who wanted to reconnect after many years. Thank you for this distinction between knowing oneself intellectually vs emotionally.

[@asentientmonkey4860]

This channel is like a religion about how childhood effect our adult life but doesn’t monetize off it as strong as most existing religions rn

[@harmoniaSINGS05]

I have been feeling all this regarding different stages of my life. I recall the past troubles so vividly and even the high moments. But more on the negatives, this video is great showing that.

[@janelantestaverde2018]

To me self-reflection - understanding one's own emotions and also one's own desires and ways of thinking and most importantly the reason why we have these emotions, desires and ways of thinking - is a skill that one doesn't simply have. People usually say they know what's best for them and that they know themselves best. But being able to say so would require active self-reflection instead of just the feeling for what one would prefer and why they feel the way they do. And I think that very very few people actually spent time on self-reflecting. It's something that takes time - hours, days, months - and tends to be rather uncomfortable sometimes but mostly rewarding in the end. Unfortunately normally there is little time to do so due to job, friends, family, hobbies or everyday stuff. Just like every skill self-reflecting can be improved over time if you do it repeatedly, even though it doesn't have to be done regularly. Like that an empathetic and well self-reflected person might even know what's better for others than they do themselves. I personally hope that these people then know how not to be arrogant about this and instead actually try to help others up to the point where people don't want any help with emotional problems they're not involved in. But still, if you're not entirely certain about the reasons of your emotional problems be open for advices from people that are, in your own opinion, rather self-reflected and then try to use the input they gave you for your own self-reflection. Self-reflection is a skill that takes years to be honed and there is no real point where you can't improve anymore but it is, in my opinion, one of the most emotionally rewarding skills one can have as it basically grants you inner peace, sometimes understanding for the problems of others (but be careful. In the end a personal problem is always defined by one's own personal background, so problems might differ even though they appear to be the same) and most of all life experience. (Sorry if I repeated myself sometimes and made some grammatical mistakes)

[@spookeymo]

i really love this video, came at the right time. i have recently seen a psychatrist who, after a 40-minute talk, concluded there seems to be no reason for my bad feeling and i don't need therapy, but medications. i felt bad at first, as i reached for help again and got none but i've been thinking i actually DO need therapy, because it's not just about finding the reason - it's about going through your life, one step at a time, once again. i'm so grateful for this video!

[@andilsonclemente4111]

Truly grateful for your existence nd help! THANK YOU "The School of Life"

[@corneliahartmann6188]

This is a very useful contribution. I have ever thought that problems cannot be solved analytically, but - believe it or not - you are the first one who reassures me in this assumption.

[@iamtheman1111ify]

Today, I found out that this channel, plus meditation and life experience, has taught me to understand myself intellectually and emotionally. I thank you more than any therapist and Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I have ever been to. 2 years sober and happier than ever. Thank you for the insight and motivations.

[@lk1286]

As a traditional Chinese family grown up, my parent tend to cover all the problems, like they have already divorsed, my father was broke and we were chasing by the company for money, I was being coldly abused at school etc. I was in depression and eating disorder. Only me can save me, by searching youtube videos like this one

[@danagrishchenko2189]

I think that experiencing your feelings from the past doesn't always help. At least it's this way for me. Most of the time everything is somewhat fine. But at one point, unconsciously, for some reason I remember something bad that happened to me and fully experience all of that pain, suffering, sadness and despair for one more time. But after that, I never feel better, on the contrary - after crying, I feel devastated and inanimate. It's like with those tears I've lost all my connection to who I really am and were. I feel nothing.

[@dynamicgecko1213]

So this is what I've been doing wrong in therapy for the past year. Makes a lot of sense. This video is very powerful for how short it is. Thank you for this.

[@Charul9]

Thankyou for your content, it has saved me in times when things seemed rather bleak.

[@georgiana1754]

Dear SoL, thank you very much for the video. Sometimes I think you just pull these aces out of your pocket as needed.

[@WolfTalkings]

Emotions and intelligence is hard to balance sometimes. You think you have all the answers but new stuff starts to happen and you have to consistently adapt to the situation or possible success. I suffer from my disorders but I am an INFJ so I'm basically neurotic and I try to keep my stoic face going. Deep inside, i am an animal trying to tame myself and my mind but outside to others, I reflect what people need to see in themselves. I've faced alot of negative people with ignorance just as much as I faced positive blissful ignorance. The melancholy of it all. You have to approach yourself willingly and faithfully to find yourself. Accept the pass and learn the lessons without angry or feeling regret makes you worst. It doesn't. You are still you when you change. If anything, the trials make you better but you have to challenge yourself to be both into change and calm about change. To see different sides to every argument or win or what love means. You have to question yourself both critically and rationally without hurting yourself. Meditating to keep a level head and exercise for the physical. Mentally exercise with drawings or anything creative. Feel yourself out. Give yourself time despite the attitudes. Clean up you attitude to yourself, others and balance your feelings out. Not everything is about you. Sometimes life happens and people don't think. When you work on yourself, deep breathe alot. Your breathe and time are the most important things you will ever have. Everything else is changing perspectives. Your life matters and doesn't matter. Your books won't save you. You will. You sit with your demons and drink tea peacefully as you learn why you hurt and how to not feel hurt without lashing out. Question those feelings too. Get insight on new feelings and ideas. Find inconsistent ways and learn from that too. Morally be understanding that people won't always have an answer for you. The algorithm might but in all fairness, you wanna live? Go and do actionary things. Anything that changes your view. In time, you will meet people who love you for you and you love you for you and balance out the world inside and out. Not in a cliche way. Actual practices. Practice right now as I am saying this: Practice forgiveness to self and others, practice patience with yourself, practice loving yourself without being selfish about it, Self care is a tool not a cure all, Take your time to know yourself and what you are willing to change and not change. Be realistic about your boundaries. Listening more then usual and not taking offense to any one thing. Feel it out and then talk. Understand what it means. Advise is common and most have no common sense. Use it. Take it in. Learn your not important enough to be a dickgina but lovingly important enough that someone might like you for you. Drop your guard and bit, laugh at life and enjoy what you might not have tomorrow. Cuz people crazy. Have fun peeps! (Side note: Listen to people, info is everywhere. Never know what you might learn. Not all advise is truth. Comb through what you don't know. Sorry my grammar sucks....bite me.)

[@spinningadam]

Me, an intellectual

[@nighttimetelevision2969]

same :/

[@atis9061]

a green one

[@keepoo246810]

This made me laugh

[@mariocean808]

I love that you go to the root of the problem. Most therapist just want to prescribe antidepressants. I’m not saying there isn’t a lace for meds, but sometimes healing should come from within and not just treated on the surface.

[@Geordina]

One thing I've leaned in the last year is how much books can help sorting out our emotional and intellectual grievances. Especially studying Psychology and Neuroscience has given me a deeper understanding of my disability and lack of stability. It has given me inspiration at my counseling sessions, and is pointing me into a path towards a better life. I still trip over the most shallow and basic of hurdles, but developing a new and stronger sense is a difficult task for even the most mentally strong of people. The current treasure of a book I'm reading is called The Chimp Paradox, and it is brilliant at helping me discover that primal part of my brain that hijacks my behavior at almost every occasion. It shows me how much I rely on past memories and emotions to function in my daily life. It also shows me how I can manage it, rather than trying to beat it, in order to change. It goes into more detail of those school of life lessons around sitting down for a quiet hour, analyzing my thoughts and writing them down on paper, keeping a diary, or fooling around with a silly object, providing the scientific reasons for doing so, like the fact that the limbic system, our emotional center is right next to the brain stem, and therefore 5 times faster than the frontal cortex, our logical and rational center. This leads to us being hijacked by perceived threats, and causes us to act out in survival mode, rather than sage mode. I can wholeheartedly recommend reading this book, as a way to gain more control over ones life. I find it works wonders combined with my therapy.

[@quaticYO]

Emotional intelligence and intellectual ability, both very important. Like any skill when developed, the end result can be recognizing an emotion like anger and have the ability to not get carried away by it. Self education is the best education.

[@fulldozer93]

Makes me cry. I think I do live those moments some days.

[@ntswxlo]

I love where we going with all this... taking out mental health seriously and stuff

[@marine2557]

I just learned about this in my trauma class! Top-down vs. bottom-up therapy. This channel has such great psychology/psychotherapy info on it. 🙂

[@vaishalivaidya7978]

One of the best channels to enable us become holistically intelligent and wise

[@lukeoakley2562]

I have been looking into myself recently and this helps a lot I was just using intellect and not the emotion as the emotion is the hard part

[@gracechan3039]

This kind of therapy is the only one that really helped me. It really works. Somatic experiencing.

[@PepeSlake]

This helped a lot. I started going to therapy not long ago, and I'm still having a hard time "feeling" instead of "thinking", but this video made a lot of sense. I have to trust my therapist a lot more.

[@84Elenai]

Same here, now it's been a year and I can tell you it really helped me out! Just trust yourself, your therapist, and the fact that you are not a compact, already settled and fixed result of things. You are still evolving right now, and you can still evolve in the future. Sometimes we forget about that detail 😉 Take care and continue with your therapy ✌️

[@jlvandat69]

Wow- a perfectly articulated explanation of how our present psychological issues (associated with inadequate parenting) were developed and how these can be "extracted", leading to a much better existence. Well done..... very well done! Imagine a world in which anyone could readily resolve these issues that continuously impact our thinking and behaviors in ways that limit our potential, our happiness and sense of inner security. Goodbye to the Far right, for one example!

[@Feedaneeshaqua]

Literally came to this realization this morning.

[@beans7188]

This kind of explains the 'inner child healing' process.

[@treystokes4090]

Thank you so much for this video. I've watching for a years but this this the first time a video has completely aligned with my experience in therapy, right down to the example situations. I was feeling very overwhelmed and dispirited tonight and seeing this video has encouraged me to keep going with the fight. ✌️

[@LaurasBeehive]

I've been doing therapy for about 15 years fairly consistently. I would say U have an intellectual appreciation for the work of going into our past emotional experiences. I do give therapy a deep intellectual questioning of my process while in between sessions of deep emotional experiences... It's an experience of emotions in which you then reflect upon. I had found it incredibly enlightening... for me this could almost be considered deconstruction of the self.... and yet you have to feel the feels. :).

[@Dannymonr]

Everything that you have posted in the past and now I can describe as you have and more precisely,I have more

[@360.Tapestry]

i only learned this a handful of years ago - you can't think your way out of emotional damage. but i typically feel neutral or positive, so i can't seem to access these feelings unless i'm going through emotional pain in the present (a breakup/fight) in order to soothe those old and untended feelings

[@Sergio-yi8ro]

If you guys ever do this type of retrospection. You must: 1. Watch the event in third person 2. Don´t identify with the psychological reactions of the moment you are recreating. (So... if the moment you are recreating was sad. Simply observe it as a movie as a third person. This will allow you to easily forgive yourself, forgive others and understand better your own reasons and the reasons others had to behave on a certain way. If we revive a situation where we were very angry and feel angry again at the moment of recreating the event. Then this psychological aggregate of anger will be strengthened. But if instead of that we observe the same event form a new perspective, we will see the new on the event... we will see what we didnt saw/noticed at that time which is the reason it became painful. 3. Everytime you discover your psychological reactions during the retrospection you will ask your consciousness to disintegrate that psychological element. 4. Comprehension is the key to let go and find relief

[@angelawilliams5722]

Intellectually, I am advanced. My IQ is 150, and I have great plans for the future, as well as now. But, emotionally, I'm very distant, and I'm afraid of going back into that world. I didn't live in a great place, abandon by both my parents, and forgotten. So, instead I've built my pride in my intelligence. When I walk into my class, I pride myself in knowing so much, that essentially I test the authority figure themselves. But, emotionally, I'm disconnected.

[@coreycox2345]

As someone who intellectualizes before she feels, I am glad that I went through such a process. I remember it as "the crying sessions" because I cried my eyes out every week in therapy for two years to understand my relationship with my father on an emotional level. Although this was helpful in my understanding, it is my makeup to think before I feel, It still takes awareness to apply to my current reality. I am getting better at this.

[@khan1dumvip]

So, I'd relive the ups and downs, teenage years, rejections, my constant struggle for staying relevant and pleasing people, falling in love with the illusion and clinging on to it for years, backstabs from trusted friends for what? Reconciliation? I think i'll loose my sanity one trying to make peace with all the shit.

[@truth-12345.]

One of the most helpful channels on KZbin.

[@RachelPun]

This is me! Except that my therapist focuses on the future, how I have to deal with my knots emotionally rather than intellectually, we never dive deep into my past.

[@billhoward532]

Exploring the dialectics of heart & mind: childhood & adulthood; self & society... - shared to FB & G+

[@theresistance3818]

Emotional intelligence is SO incredibly vital and yet, SO very underrated.

[@crunchywater3777]

I feel as though what we do is influenced by what we think we want but what we want has been shaped by all the selfish greediness of the world like material things or the want to be recognized by people, who you shouldn't even be trying to get the attention of because who are they that they can make you feel like you have to be noticed by them.Just be who you want even if what you want to be is not a true reflection of what you could've been before you were corrupted by the expectations placed upon you by the way people and the world want to shape you. we're all so focused on material things and what people think that we shape our lives to adhere to what they want. The saddest thing is that people are motivated to do things not because they love it but because everyone masks the truth of what they really work for which is the money gained from the work they do, its like having your cake and eating it too. Getting lucky enough to do what you love and getting the money you love is like hitting the jackpot but when true happiness comes in the picture those who have faked it for that long are numb to what they could've been which is their true self. Everyone should be focused on making humanity better as a whole rather than focusing problems that should've been left in the past and i don't see why we should still divide ourselves just because of our grudges held, still fighting a war that we should've left with those who actually fought in it, just bringing back the hatred to a new generation when we should be teaching people about the common sense and decency that we should afford everybody around the world to know you're equal to your fellow man.

[@Loweredexpectationss]

Aw maaaaaaan. Can’t we just leave our childhood out of this for ooooooooneeee video?! Lol

[@SindromeDeMascotinha]

Panda Monium What's your childhood trauma? Lol

[@bolivar1789]

I loved your profile picture! I had a panda in my childhood you know...

[@thisisntallowed9560]

Childhood is the place where you are conditionned and adapt to your environment. So no, don't try to not think about childhood

[@KatsC100]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@matheussanthiago9685]

@@thisisntallowed9560 my childhood was so fundamentally dysfunctional and broken that when I read Brave New World I did envied the industrial system to raise children it's certainly better than what I had

[@mirunadp9102]

Wow, never thought that re-living things would be the key. Thank you!

[@yoya4766]

So much thought and work goes into these bite size nuggets of wisdom.

[@elijahragland8498]

this is why psychedelic therapy could be a hugely helpful option. often times our problems are so repressed we’re incapable of emotionally reconsidering the events that created them. in the instance of MDMA (otherwiseknown as Molly, on the street) patients were able to relive entire childhood events. currently, MDMA is being explored for abuse victims and PTSD patents because of its ability to calm the person down enough to deal with the pain of a traumatic event and fully process its meaning. psilocybin (aka shrooms) has also shown similar potentials.

[@ramiroofaragon9323]

I'm so grateful for Alain for being brave enough to plumb his own inner-life's journey for pearls of wisdom like this one-this is the mark of a teacher in the truest sense. Still, I often get the impression that Alain palms off some of his analyst's advice as his own. Maybe he ought to credit his analyst for this video, too?

[@melodyworld706]

U should know ur saving our lives here💗 thanks for this 💯🌷

[@Richard-1962]

Thank you, Allen.

[@itsNinaLeeyo]

When this channel does a better job than my therapist 😲🙃🙃

[@Miltonbosss]

I don’t think that you necessarily have to “relive” the moment of oppression or trauma. Yes I think you should let yourself feel those emotions of the aftermath and the hurt but I think you should also find the peace in it. I recently went through a life changing experience where all the emotions I kept in me since my teenage years came up to the surface of panic attacks and major crippling anxiety. And I learned that I learned how to cope with my traumas in a certain way up until that age, then recently I feel it was a knock on my door saying a sort of “hey it’s time to heal from this completely, and let go of a lot of stuff, and really grow. “ growth is painful, at first I did the mistake of ruminating all through out the day on m problems and my issues as a child and where they came from. But now I’ve realized, it’s not about healing completely in one day or two days or a month or setting a timer at all, rather letting yourself feel your emotions without judging yourself for them, without forcing them in or out. I learned i didn’t have to ruminate or fixate one why this happens or maybe this made this happen and that’s why I’m this way, no.. rather just observe those emotions from a distance, and make peace with them. Like clouds passing by. Knowing storms come and go. And that my house is sturdy. My emotional well being is rooted deeply in the ground I’ve built. And cannot be shaken. Sure maybe the soil will need to be changed, but I’ll still grow in it.

[@SAFFRONSAVANTSTRATAGEM]

I've truly learned what makes me unhappy emotionally.

[@devanjali.b]

Wow, having a very emotional response I can't express intellectually with this comment. Thanks for sharing!

[@milfsfilms]

it always takes me a while to comment on a school of life video bc my mind is still being blown

[@kristinabaker4433]

Needed this! 💕 thank you!

[@dabzvapelord]

I needed this right now

[@moodslang21]

Yes!!! I always say “I knew it but I didn’t KNOW it”

[@romypadilla1286]

Hello from Dominican Republic! I am a huge fan of yours. I'd would like you guys talk about birthdays how and why they can be difficult and sad for some people. Thank you very much!

[@NoFacephilosophy]

I like the core idea of understanding ourselves emotionally, but it's debatable whether reliving the past helps at all in that process. Sometimes, simply understanding what we lacked in earlier stages of life, can help us heal and overcome the suffering we've suffered. Reliving the past can unnecessarily only deepen the wounds for some people, which is what you want to avoid. I have a philosophy channel as well. If you like to discuss various topics in a philosophical manner, then you might like my content. I'm a small creator trying my best to get my content in front of people who might enjoy it, and every bit of your support means so much to me. Thank you.

[@harsimrankaur2955]

Wow this, so genially and craftily describes what a journey it is to actually deeply self explore and introspect. And why it can be so challenging. It's almost easy to intellectually grapple with our pain but the emotional aspect is hard to explore. This is probably why I find therapy so unsatisfying, yet profound. intellectually it makes sense, but emotionally processing it all is a whole another ballgame.

[@TomisaLami]

as a motion designer watching this video was exsusting . what ever you are paying to designers you need to triple it. as a philosopher i was just as impressed