Camouflaging in Women with Autism

Hope all of your weeks are going well so far🐢
Today’s episode I dive deep into the topic of camouflaging through fashion/ your appearance. Although this is something that I believe can affect everyone, regardless of Autism-it is something that deeply affects women with Autism. Girls and women statistically get under diagnosed and misdiagnosed due to being socialized and expected to camouflage more, and it is because of this that I find it so important to talk more about it.
Resources on Camouflaging:
• Behind the Mask: Autis...
• Camouflaging in Autist...
www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/...
autismspectrumnews.org/the-ca...
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Discovering your Masks ADHD & Autism Workbook
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ADHD & Autism Uncovering Your Stims Workbook
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ADHD-friendly Weekly Planner · Helps with Executive Dysfunction
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[@thethoughtspot222]

·Timestamps· 00:23 Disclaimer 01:44 Pre-Reflection 03:00 Statistics 05:22 Dissecting 07:03 Childhood 08:31 Teenage 17:35 Adult 27:36 Reclaiming Yourself 33:14 Outro

[@aketcham4749]

I believe there is a definite distinction between “attractive” and specifically “sexually attractive”- and equating them in one’s mind can be often detrimental. When it’s a challenge to read social cues or pick up on flirting behavior it is especially important to learn the difference! 19:56. Edited to assure I am not criticizing or finding fault~

[@SandraLemenaite]

I’ve struggled with fashion and interior decor so deeply even though I love and appreciate both on others. I just can’t make it happen. Every time I have an event, I panic and go shopping last minute and I still never have enough clothes for just regular life events. I fell in love with costumes as an adult at music festivals. Those were easier for me to put together. Last minute trips are a nightmare. I used to pack massive suitcases. And then felt weird for that, too. And I wore just nice and basic things that never felt like ME but were simple and acceptable.

[@lindsayanne3076]

I resonate with everything you've said. I still panic buy before company meetings trying to figure out every scenario in which my clothing may or may not be acceptable.

[@ittyfittykelly]

I relate to everything you just described except for the costume bit. I do i that a costume would be so much easier, but it’s not in my personality to go to the types of events that involve cosplay.

[@lesliecarriere2672]

100%

[@ashmac87]

Worrying about how other people might treat me has been the main reason for my appearance throughout my life. It's true and nobody wants to talk about it.

[@jaynemccabe8701]

My autism sort of affected my style in an opposite way over my life. Ive always had a cooky sense of style. Wanted to wear things I thought was cool even if it wasn’t at the moment. After middle school I stopped copying what was cool and wore things that made me feel confident and beautiful. This started to become a forced habit that made me feel really safe because I realized that the more put together I look the more people will leave me alone because I look intimidating (match this aspect with the fact that my mask at school was literally to make my facial expressions look as intimidating as possible) fashion kind of became a safety net for me in order to be left alone at school so I could focus on school. It did however cause me to be perceived and liked by men more often which led to me being absolutely horrible at talking to other women at my current age.

[@jaynemccabe8701]

Oh and another thing- at a young age I ALSO realized how beautiful I look means people will be more kind. This led to horrible body dysmorphia, low confidence, constant beating myself up because I don’t look good enough. all because I KNEW that how pretty I am would mean I’m actually treated like a human being.

[@LaceyMyriah]

This was all very relatable.

[@jaynemccabe8701]

@@LaceyMyriah you relating to this made me feel so validated thank you :’)

[@lisanneschop7317]

Same, girl. But now I'm reverting to my true self, and dressing more feminine. I'm not scared of being harassed anymore. I hope you went through something similar in the last 9 months? At least in terms of being yourself. It kinda hurts me that there are people out there who went through the same thing I did. I hope you're alright.

[@lisafrye8055]

I am 51 years old and the suspicion that I might be in the spectrum is only about 6 months old. Watching this video, I had to pause multiple times because I have never felt so seen! I could never figure out this behavior in me-I called it ‘not liking the past’. Thank you for being here. I’m looking forward to exploring this rabbit hole and eventually knowing and appreciating myself! 💖✨

[@SerenEnfys]

Good luck on your journey! I hope it's fun, relieving, and brings you answers to questions you didn't know you had :P

[@jeanie1131]

I'm also an Asian American female who is autistic and has become obsessed with fashion :) thank you for making this video. I have always been looking for other people like me and this video is so relevant to my life and made me think about how my interest in fashion is related to my attuning to society. I usually dress more alternatively and in a way that covers up my entire body and i realized how this is because i hate feeling exposed . I haven't been sexually harassed that much but i think the fear of it makes me dress so covered up.

[@vikort1612]

GOD i'm trans and autistic and your description of masking through managing your appearance to "predict what interactions you'll have" hit such a nerve. it's something i'm struggling with at the moment, of where i want to lean toward self expression but at the cost of both passing and masking. i have a "shell", essentially, that i can step into and be comfortable in but at the cost of self expression, but if i lean into self expression then i won't pass and can't manage how people will interact with me pre-transition and yeah. there feels like theres no winning lol

[@thomgoblin8725]

I am a trans man, and I related deeply to what you described as your transition into authenticity. When I transitioned my gender in my mid-20s, that is exactly how I thought about the process. I was putting my constructed self into bags and letting her go, shedding a mask in order to embrace a less studied and more authentic self. To be honest, changing my gender was really only a tiny fragment of what I changed about how I approach the world, almost a side note to the main point. Yes, I happen to be a man under the mask, but what was really important is that I figured out how to take the mask off at all. Thank you for articulating this experience so clearly.

[@alexadellastella5247]

I resonate so much with your story regarding physical appearance! i was so self aware with all the details an autistic person notices in my looks and also my hair and face (even though I never used much make up, I always wanted to stay natural that was very important to me too!), it was vital not to be rejected, I had made it a rule. I remember even wondering why people need to look perfectto seduce cos once at home living together they don't always look this way so my mind couldn't understand why and when you are allowed to be less seductive. I couldn't understand the rule behind it.... and I stressed over it..... and analysed so much everything what i'm supposed to do not to be rejected. I truly didn't understand when you can look natural and not be rejected and when you are supposed to look good.... I was also afraid if I had a boyfriend and we live together, if he sees my natural self he would run away because I had to look good to attract him so how would it be logical that then he would still be attracted if I am completely natural? I truly didn't understand anything with relationships.... and nobody seemed to understand my exitential questions, it was so lonely and confusing...

[@Thi-Nguyen]

I struggled with the Asian American conflicts as well. On the one hand, I was highly intelligent, a straight A student and a violinist. On the other hand, I did what I could to fit “fashion trends”. I permed my hair, cuffed my jeans, styled my hair like pop stars and such. I was also stuck between trying to fit in at school and an abusive, judgmental father at home. So the whole struggle of juggling two worlds and perceptions was SUCH a massive weight - such a massive stressor!

[@MrsBingley1612]

I can relate to that deeply. I kinda feel shame looking at old photos of myself and all the „costumes“ I wore. But, thankfully, not anymore…since beginning of 2022 ☺️. Have my appointment at the diagnostic center in April 🤗 (I’m 29 y/o btw).

[@theasianwitch]

Totally agree...I look back at my photos in my 20s when I was out clubbing and going to concerts/social events and can tell that I wasn't really "there." I have a bit of a vacant look on my face because my neurodivergent inner child wasn't really present and was dissociating. However, I enjoyed the artful side of it...also relate to the costume wearing as a child haha.

[@nataliabennett8157]

Oh man attempting the clubbing lifestyle that was just "normal" was masterpiece of ulation that lasted a very short time once i realised no to alcphol, no to one night stands/hook ups (i find im such a need for connection/bonding based person) and how much staying up that late affected me. I feel like i would be exhaisted for days after. When you said you werent really "there", man do i feel that. I was playong a role thats why.

[@purikouanne3618]

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 21 and just recently diagnosed on the spectrum at 27! I am learning more about myself every day now.

[@clivematthews95]

Everything you’re saying here is so true. I’ve heard many Asian Americans and other Asians struggle with confidence and gravitating towards looking Eurocentric. You’re awesome when you let the true you shine through 😊❤

[@kajsa6358]

I once had to thoroughly explain to a legitimately confused guy at a party why my makeup and clothes were not for him. And that I in fact - and this might be surprising - wore these things for myself alone. That his compliments and staring were unwanted and that he was making me feel uncomfortable and unsafe.

[@tracik1277]

I was a child in the 70’s. Back then I think you just wore what your mum put you in, I don’t think kids made their own choices (if they did, I wasn’t aware because that and many other things just went straight over my head). My mum made most of the clothes for herself and my family, that wasn’t so unusual back then, and she was very skilled at it. I remember a horrible pair of brown check wool blend trousers she made me though, they were so ugly and scratchy and I did get embarrassing comments about them. When I did start choosing my own clothes at about 11 years old I had no clue and picked some crazy getups, which didn’t go down too well. I had to learn the hard way. In the 80’s there were several ‘scenes’. The thing was to be ‘individual’ and ‘original’ so it was ok to look quite wild. As an adult I became very good at putting myself together. The problem is, looking ‘well put together’ gives the impression everything is going well with you when maybe it’s not. I think it has contributed to my not being able to access help/mental health care when I’ve always really needed it. But to make myself look bad would seem disingenuous - and how would I go about doing that anyway?

[@Gandalf_the_quantum_G]

Well, first of all: I really do like your videos, I've been watching alot of them in the last days and reached now this one while I was cleaning the whole flat. As an autistic male, which got diagnosed late, I can relate to alot to what you're saying in this video. With 14/15 I started to realize how important it is to wear the right clothes, specially because I was in a super superficial humanistic school in Germany, in which folks were dressing in Burberry, wearing Rolex with 16 - kind of super money-weird teenagers. I never thought of it before, that the way I dress, is a perfect masking tool. I literally used fashion to carmoflage, I started with 15 to watch fashion-week-shows to see what is trendy. But because I never liked to wear fashion, I searched for a way to appear more strong and serious - I wanted, that people took me serious, because my natural sentence patterns were always extremely techniqual and intellectual, but I appeared in a fishbone sweater from the 90s, which I got from my older cousin - and I almost just worn this one hoodie, which colors were washed out and totally out of trend back in 2005. So I found, that british style is very clear-lined, no big contrasts, no experiments, but spoony in the color-details and coherence between for example bootlace color, which fits the color pattern of the scarf and stuff like that. So that was then the way I dressed. Soon after I realized, that it didn't matter, because folks are superficial and you can look like a model, but still - if you don't wear the right brands, it's not so interesting (but I realized, that that is oftentimes a thing in circles, which believe, that they're rich). But because I wanted their respect and I wanted, that they are impressed by my person I started to really buy extremely expensive stuff - even though I didn't have the money for it. Sometimes I bought clothes and didn't eat much the rest of the month, just because I wanted to appear the right way. I realized how important it is to look good in society, so I continued with Cremes and cosmetics. People oftentimes think, that I'm gay, just because I always dress up really good, which of course is another stereotype the society likes to believe. I realize now oftentimes how people in a restaurant talk to me, how they look at me, how they act in front of me, if you just look great in a great suite from Hackett. I realized, that depending on if you wear an Italian suit or a British suit, you attract different kind of woman, because one time you present yourself more aggressively and masculine, while wearing a British suit you present yourself more in order and more reserved and withdrawn. And that's just suits and just this one observation - there are thousands of these observations I made about clothing/dressing and the reaction from people. Nowadays I thought I've found my own way of dressing, because I'm really conversant in fashion, but due to this video I realized, that I am, but because of I needed to know that to come along better. I think the most style I like is a plain white shirt and a simple black slim fit jeans, I don't care about brands at all. I just care about how people treat me and I like it when people in a shop take more time for me, because they assume, that I'm a "fine person" - I guess everyone likes that. Combined with my really good manners, which I learned, I shape the picture of a real humbled and well mannered gentleman. But that's all crap. I'm just who I'm, even if I walked naked into a restaurant, even though I wouldn't suggest myself to do that. On the other hand this formal dressing allows me to hold people on a distance, because they oftentimes think: this guy is really fine, I don't know how to talk to him, so that he will like me. That's a point as well when you dress more serious - in combination with my reserved appearance - people feel insecure to talk to me, which is good for me, because then they don't do smalltalk with me - on the other hand it's a mess, I remember when I met my girlfriend, I kept her on distance a whole long time just because of my correctness (if that's a word), which was also underlined by the way I dressed. Totally interesting and not just relatable to woman, I'll think of that the next days and see, if I really feel comfortable with all my fancy cottons and all the bothersome thoughts I make almost every day about how to dress. Sometimes I've a meeting with someone and I choose colors and dress based on the opinion I've about this person or partner to bring them more on my side - sometimes I even believe, that it worked out. However, thank you alot for your videos and your interesting thoughts on this topic! Greetings from Germany.

[@echolaliac]

couldn’t feel you more.

[@kathypepe123]

since being diagnosed austistic I've also started to consider how clothes will feel on my body before i even consider buying them and it's made existing slightly more bearable

[@etcwhatever]

I never buy rough fabric. I cant deal with synthetic fibers.

[@songcalderon86]

I'm you, you're me... wow Thank you I have not gotten my diagnosis yet, but the amplified awareness of under diagnosis of females on the spectrum along with learning the difference between BPD, I can see why my doctors think I could have BPD. But the overall I know, it's not abandonment that bothers me, though it is something I have experienced my whole life from my family. I'm not afraid to lose people to keep me fulfilled. I want people in my life genuinely because they want to be. I clearly understand that the majority of questions I ask can confuse others to think I fear abandonment, but really I'm just trying to understand things I don't get. All your gathered assessments of neurotypical minds are to camouflage yourself is exactly how far I've come. I'm still in need for my assessment diagnosis because I'm at a bottom point, scared to work or keep my life together. I, too, have learned and gathered that same understanding that the only way I can get by is by keeping myself sexually interesting and playing dumb. I'm so sick of how the neurotypical minds work. I can't work or go out anymore because the complex post-traumatic stress disorder of having to be someone else I just don't want to be to please others along with being unable to hide my over stimulation, which I had not known, is a thing.

[@kr3642]

I was way into vintage fashion 40's-70s for years but finally stopped dressing how I wanted because I was told it was unprofessional and gimmicky. Unfortunately that's how I found out I would be treated a little better if I conformed.

[@user-lh6ig4wj4v]

I wanted to look ordinary at school, because all of us had a school black dresscode. However, I looked a bit off with my clothes even with limitation of dresscode. So at high school I tried experimentating and combinating odd colours. It was hard to find my style, but I managed it somehow by picking some patterns in look. Sometimes I like a lot of prints at myself, sometimes just one colour palette. It was useful to not infodipping in style magazines and posts.

[@sweetlolitaChii]

I remember being obsessed with cat ears and Japanese fashion, and I'd wear what my family could afford all around Walmart in rural Alabama. I loved it. The older I got though, the less I cared about fashion and more about fitting in. I became terrified of people/strangers approaching me. Your experience with harassment, racism, and misogyny are horrible. I'm so so sorry you had to go through that

[@melissalynn3776]

Thank you! I'm almost 48 and was diagnosed w ASD just a short time ago, and by accident. I am also battling many mental health illnesses, executive dysfunction, and chronic fatigue syndrome. It's rough to be me, not fun. Interesting? I think so. I too look back at past photos, and it is like: was that me? Or, how was that me, why? And this happens a lot bc i was/am always changing my appearance quite fluidly, but i still don't know why. Even today i dont seem to recognize myself when i look in the mirror. However, im thinking that this happens because of other factors that i deal with, outside of ASD camouflaging. Maybe i can show you someday what i mean. Anyway, I know that i enjoy being interesting, different, unique, odd, awkward. So, very recently ive been thinking: instead of looking neutral where i cant seem to go wrong in others' eyes, i want to express a complete style based on those traits above that i like. However, this would be a Huge, and expensive undertaking, and im not sure i have the ability, motivation, energy, courage to pull it off. Anyway, im new to your channel. This is the 2nd video of yours that ive watched. Thanks for putting it out. I welcome any comments if you have any. Have a great weekend!

[@JoULove]

I do feel disconnected from childhood pictures of myself. I was a happy child for the most part, before some pretty traumatic events in my life. I coped by masking, and it's sad to see that transition in photos.

[@joggy76]

I almost feel like fashion is one of my special interests at times! I don’t have sensitivities to textures, but if my outfit isn’t right for the mood I’m in, I will need to change immediately to feel better or I’ll have a meltdown or just be super anxious and foggy. E.g. as a teen going to school in one outfit, going out straight after school then having to call my parents to drive me over a new outfit because I couldn’t exist comfortably in the one I was in and was freaking tf out.

[@bunnybaker2289]

I totally get you on the fashion stuff. Since high school, I stopped putting on makeup and straightening my hair and started to experiment with fashion and hair color. For me, makeup is more effort than it’s worth most of the time as is hair straightening. I’ve come to like my hair and face as they are and only occasionally put on makeup. Clothing is about comfort first now. I’m very picky with clothes now. I’m the youngest and get hand me downs, so a clothing purchase is a genuine and rare event for me

[@echolaliac]

i used to tell my brother the youngest to start purchasing himself new clothes, thinking it would also help with his self-esteem. unfortunately (just kidding) he turned out a hipster. 🙃 he is still experimenting and experiencing regrets from time to time, but i feel he is happier...

[@garden.of.thistles]

This brought up a lot of middleschool and highschool memories, some addmittedly pretty painful, but I'm so glad you were able to explain so elequently the identity crisises that we autistic people (as well as just adolecent girls in general) experience. I feel seen.

[@nandavalenti]

I can relate to the thinking about social relationships very mathematically. Growing up I wanted to be a fashion designer bc that way, I thought, I could learn to express myself and also I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. 😅

[@heedmydemands]

The way I was with clothes is that around grade 6 I realized that it was important to fit in so people wouldn't make fun of me so I decided on what I thought were normal clothes, which was t-shirts and jeans, i still dress like that quite a bit but now I wear yoga pants some and sweat pants, I don't really care at all basically what I wear beyond being practical with the weather and how comfortable I am. Anyway I basically didn't have any friends at that time, it was rough. But then I became friends with one girl and she was a bit showy in the way she dressed and so after a while I started to sort of experiment with that too. I got a mini skirt and some shirts that showed my belly, I don't have much for boobs so there's not much sense trying to show cleavage lol. It was quite uncomfortable at first, felt very risque. I did really want a boyfriend but it didn't seem to matter what I did no guy asked me out till high school. I did venture further too with my fashion in that I started to dress kind of fancy, sometimes too fancy because I just liked it. I grew up in a very small town and I realized that people saw me as a good girl, so innocent and I wanted to quash that image, the showy clothes were part of it but people still saw me that way. I didn't wear makeup really, except eyeliner and mascara. I tried lipstick on but it seemed so intense. In grade 10 I got my first boyfriend but we broke up after just a couple weeks and we didn't even see eachother that often and then another guy asked me out but he was 19. It was such a small town that with both relationships I guess it was the gossip around town so with the second one the principal spoke to me and told me that I should be careful because guys only want one thing. Of course I didn't take her very seriously because I thought of my cousins and stuff and thought no you're wrong, there's more to people than that. After I messed things up with him that was it, no further interest. The next guy I was interested in I met online. Maybe I tend to not give guys the time of day, I know when a person just isn't going to get me so it's not worth it to me. I remember also worrying that maybe I was intimidating guys by seeming too smart. Sorry I tried to stay the topic at hand but I guess I kinda went off rambling. Thanks for making your videos, I really enjoy them.

[@dusundavarfreohr3491]

I'm late to the party, but this is so interesting! I'm a late diagnosed moderate support needs autistic with ADHD, and I think fashion is one of my special interest. I dove DEEP into color theory, shapes and sizes, materials, etc. In a way, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery similar to you. Once I a) received the diagnosis and b) let go of the perception I wanted people to have of me, I really began to blossom. I started to embrace my unique personality, to bring out featured I like about myself and, through the art of fashion, to expose the trauma that I went through. I built a capsule wardrobe so that I never felt overwhelmed by the amount of clothing or their variety. Every single item has a purpose and is very sensory friendly to me. I could give advice on how to find one's own sense of fashion and I'm sure nobody would mind or be surprised by the infodump here, but I don't think it's the right place. It's appropriate to note though that this search is more about inner feeling than about the actual qualities of a fashion item. My outfit is good because it FEELS good, and because I made a conscious choice about every single one of its components. Also, once I started accurately representing who I am as a person and allowed myself to be vulnerable like that, people started to notice as well and I now receive a lot of compliments for what I'm wearing. As a closing observation, my fashion is tied to my gender expression, although I don't wear more gendered clothing than before. I'm not yet able to accurately categorize that connection, but after a few years I realized that part of the joy I felt was gender europhia, although I'm (probably) cis.

[@livingandhealingwithmcs]

I was raised extremly christian and the clothing I had was chosen for me... So I started cutting them appart and sowing them, how I like them. Only at age 36 I find out about my Autism with ADHD and why I got MCS. This Video was extremly nice to understand my behavior in the past. My spiritual journey was an immens help, changing selfconception understanding my brains structure is another eye opener. I have decided to honour my autism more in the future, less ADHD masking🙈🙏 Thank you so much for the great work and sharing such personal insights, very precious! 👏

[@NotPrincessElise]

I've never seen myself as a person of fashion or things of that. But I dress in the clothes that I'm really drawn to, and the outfits I make, I do out of spontaneity of that day. I have also never really understood the whole "in fashion" thing. Yet people tend to tell me I have a unique style and that I should never change it. I honestly don't know what I'm doing different.

[@Minakie]

Speaking from experience,e that disconnect you feel when looking at old photos of yourself could be a dissociative response resulting from your C-PTSD. I think your video is really interesting because I personally went the exact opposite route. Only at around the age of 30 did I allow myself to start experiencing wearing dresses and makeup and looking, as I describe it "cute, but not sexy" because whenever I would look a bit better (for example, if I was going to a job interview), it would always draw unwanted male attention. So I spent my whole life dressing in a very tomboyish way, because it made me feel invisible since most people would avoid interacting with me, and it allowed me to socially isolate more, which is what I needed at the time because I honestly didn't have the skill nor the mental energy to mask. The end of the video really made me smile because I recently filled 4 whole bags of clothes to donate, and that was just the tip of the iceberg because I didn't go through any clothes from other seasons that are put away in storage.

[@nataliabennett8157]

Can you explain your understanding of the connection of the CPTSD and disassociating to your past self on all the different clothing styles?

[@Minakie]

​@@nataliabennett8157 I have a lot of childhood trauma so, what I learned from a very young age was that people were dangerous to be around (as they would be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive) and I should avoid as much as possible to "draw attention to myself". If I could remain inconspicuous and almost invisible, I'd have a better chance of going unnoticed and drawing the attention of my abusers. This started out as just my family but, as I grew older, I started experiencing bullying and abuse from my peers, teachers, and other people in general, so I tried more and more never to be the center of attention. One way I learned how to do this was through clothes. The last photo I have of me wearing a skirt was when I was in 4th grade. When I entered 5th grade, it was always jeans. There were no more dresses, no more skirts, no bright colors, no cute accessories. Literally nothing that could be used as a "conversation starter". As I grew older, there was also no makeup, high heels, cute hairstyles, etc. I was as bland as could be. Because, if I tried to dress even a bit more "girly", it would draw unwanted attention toward me (mostly male attention, but sometimes female attention as well). That still happens until this day. If I have to "dress up" for a job interview, I get stalked by men on the street. And I mean stalked. They will follow me all the way from the train station to my building, no matter how many times I keep repeating I am not interested, which to me is absolutely terrifying. The same thing happens at work. If it's a particularly hot Summer day and I wear a dress, even if it's a long dress, with long sleeves and no cleavage, people with still comment. When I wear dresses or brighter colors, people are also a lot more touchy. They keep touching me without my permission (eg: hugging, touching my clothes, etc) and, as someone on the autism spectrum, I don't like to me touched. The fact I have trauma and C-PTSD triggers, makes me want to be touched even less. I have learned through trial and error throughout the years that dressing up a bit more androgynous makes people less interested. So, in general, I keep avoiding looking feminine and try as much as possible to only wear dresses when I'm at home, since it's the only place where I feel (somewhat) safe.

[@PlumKing]

I'm still awaiting a diagnosis but everything you talk about in your videos really resonates with me and I didn't think there was anyone out there who would get my way of thinking or understand the things we do to fit in. I am glad I found your channel it has helped me alot. I couldn't leave the house without makeup and dressed a certain way for a long time even to just go to the shop by my house because I didn't want anyone to point anything out about me

[@darcy606_artist]

when I first went off to college, my mom bought me a whole bunch of in-fashion college-kid-clothes, including patterned yoga pants, frilly shirts, all very brightly colored and stuff. I would wear those clothes every single day because I was like "this is college, this is a new start and my opportunity to finally fit in". then someone called me weird and I realized I was trying VERY hard to fit in and it wasn't working and I didn't even LIKE the clothes I was wearing, so I just... stopped. everything, really. now, a few years later, I've finally found clothes that I like and am comfortable in, and they're soft colors, dark colors, and things that don't make me feel like a bejeweled chicken lol so, ye, how one dresses is very important

[@AwkwardPasta004]

Omg I used to always joke about being a chameleon! I always matched my friends or would dress in a way that was safest. I’m still trying to find what my fashion is which includes digging past a lot of trauma. Great video!

[@Notesofcitrus]

Wow wow wow wow, I honestly appreciate you sharing your story SO much 😭 This was exactly my experience/mental process growing up and no one has ever explained it in words before. I just started the process of getting an ASD diagnosis at 27 and hearing your story is so affirming. Thank you!!! 💖

[@NiinaSKlove]

You’re such a beautiful human being ❤️ I absolutely love this video, - the topics you talk about is so important on so many levels. Thank you 🙏🏼 Being autistic I find your videos so helpful and interesting. 🌼🌼🌼🌼

[@lynncotto371]

Awesome video 👏 thank you so much for sharing your experience, very relatable 😊💓

[@lindahuser866]

Absolutely feeling this, thank you for putting it into clear words…

[@messyjessie2605]

Thank you for this video!!! Absolutely relate to this. ❤

[@mathilda4621]

Thank you for your great videos, i just discovered your channel today. I can relate so much to the things you talk about. Actually this week for the first time I ordered clothing think only about how it would feel to wear it, and for the first time I am liking all of it and not sending it back straight away or letting it rot in my wardrobe... 😅 And yes when I look at pictures I find it so hard to relate to the person I see there, it's crazy.. it's good to hear that other people are feeling the same way! ♥️

[@ZoriaahOfStormwind]

Same, i tried to be like others, now i am a stranger to my teen self

[@olympia1345]

i love your videos, they have helped me so much as afab autism adhd adult

[@raydromeda3777]

The worse thing about fashion is picking one singular style that represents you but is conforming enough, because if you have multiple styles it overcomplicates it, and you don't have the mental or physical space to manage all the clothes that you have obtained while trying to find that a style that is satisfactory for you and the people around you. I love fashion but this year I'm going to forego any clothes that I cannot wear everywhere. I also feel guilty throwing away clothes that I don't wear anymore, but I don't want to take anything to the charity shop because that means engaging in a social interaction where you're technically giving a part of yourself away. Giving away personal possessions feels vulnerable even though they are just clothes.

[@crack-pipe-fairy]

Thank you so much for this video I just got diagnosed and I swear everything you are saying I identify with it’s very validating. ❤️

[@StephanieDefinitely]

My head is swimming right now (in a good way.) I feel like I could write a chapter on this. I have never thought about my life in this context but it’s absolutely fascinating how many things you mentioned resonated for me. And yeah, I have constantly had periods of donating bags of clothing. 😬 I wish I could talk to my mom right now (she passed from COVID in 2020)… she’d be a great person to mull over this with and talk about the patterns in my childhood. 😔 Over the last few years I’m finally starting to feel like I’m solidifying a more simple personal clothing style that is, as you describe, rooted in how it feels on my body and how it functions. In addition to coming to terms with my neurodivergence in my 40s, I’ve struggled with long COVID since 2020 and a job that was absolutely exhausting before that. Although at this point I haven’t worked in a year due to cancer treatment and aftereffects. 🥴 Of course all of this also affects my wardrobe in that I don’t have a ton of money for shopping but I still have needed some pieces here and there. Basically, anything I’ve added to my wardrobe was really bought to be geared toward helping my body cope with that physical and mental challenge. I also found some simple but high quality leather bags that I could rely on to carry my belongings comfortably and help me feel somewhat put together and comforted despite so much disarray in my body and home! Their beauty is enough to give me a boost sometimes too when I’m too tired to make myself up beyond lip balm and a beanie.

[@7Nebulae7]

Oh, I could talk for hours about my school years and about how miserable they were for me for the most part. I never learned to camouflage well enough to fit into any groups. I was bullied quite a lot in middle school which led to me isolating myself from everyone in high school. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum. I do suspect that I am because there are so many things that would back that up. For me socializing and relationships have been the things where I have suffered the most in my younger years especially. I don't think autistic people, even girls, do very well in school environments in general. When you don't really fit in with your peers you are very likely to be bullied, as I was, which in turn causes further problems later in life such as depression etc. Editing this because i forget one main point of this comment: Unlike you Irene, I quickly learned that I did not have the capabilities to try and assimilate myself into the social environment in school. I did what I could to try to come off as neutral as I could so I wouldn't become anyone's target, although that didn't turn out all that well as they bullied me nonetheless. My solution to these challenges I faced with socializing was to isolate myself from others as much as possible. As I mentioned previously I was a complete loner in high school. One or two girls did try to get to know me at the start of the first term, but they quickly gave up when they realised that it was not going to work. I didn't trust people then at all, especially people my own age. I was perfectly fine being on my own. After all it was way better than being bullied.

[@Buttondor345]

Same here , hoping you all the best

[@7Nebulae7]

@@Buttondor345 Thank you for your kind response, all the best to you as well.

[@livlu7275]

Merci beaucoup, thank you for your video (this one and the other I saw). It resonates so much, it helps with the profound shame I feel in regards to this questions. Hi from France, et merci encore.

[@ohgoddexxxx]

Thank you for sharing your story. To this day I also think about what I'm going to wear and knowing how I will be perceived, especially as a queer POC. When it comes to my wardrobe, I focus on what I want to give off which focuses on what I want, not what others want me to wear. I also grew up hella Catholic so I felt like how I wanted to dress was not the same expectations for how I should dress. I go back and look at how much I've changed so that I can give love to all those versions of myself because now we (me and my past me's) get to explore with style and be confident. It's so much fun to experiment and also difficult when people around you are uncomfortable with how I express myself, especially loved ones. So thank you for this conversation and thank you for sharing thoughts with us

[@camillabertini]

Thank you so much for this video, I really needed it today

[@juliefefermanperez1826]

It's all so true

[@omnipredation]

Very relatable! Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you experienced so much negative male attention. I have always referred to my fashion choices as "my armor" in the back of my mind, but saying it out loud and acknowledging it made me stop and reflect on my history and the disconnect I always feel from old photos of myself. As an added complication, I didn't know I was trans in middle school - I remember reading a lot of Seventeen and Vogue magazines and loving some of what I saw, but I never felt comfortable in any of it. I did a weird mix-and-match thing that veered more goth in high school, and I was more masc-presenting though never fully out, studying the people and realizing I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of attention that would draw. I remember leaning in to never fitting in and learning that for me, it was fine. The loner behavior pattern likely helped with masking even more - fewer friends, less scrutiny. Nowadays my style is corporate goth and I even allow some colour into my wardrobe (gasp!), but I still do this objective assessment of my appearance whenever I'm dressing to go out in public. Does this convey that, is it too much, too little? It's like trying to find the magic formula to earn myself the treatment I deserve and remain authentic. I recently went for a psych assessment and asked specifically about tests for autism and ADHD. When I finally got the assessment results back, one of the first remarks said, "He arrived well-groomed with a neat appearance"... and boy did that sting. I'm sure being socialized as female has a lot to do with it but wow. Camouflaging is so effective that no one wants to look any deeper even when you've come to them inviting them to do just that. The struggle continues...

[@kathryngreaves432]

Omg totally relate as i do to most of your videos. I feel completely lost in who i am. My fashion, designing my garden, home decor, taste in music. I look at my wedding photos and feel like i dont even know the girl in the photos on my wall. I really want to take them down but feel sad for how my husband might read in to it. Even the clothes i buy my children are random. Thank you again for sharing your videos. I thought me not being able to relate to myself in photos was because i had started to fall out of love with my husband or i loathed myself that much. In a way i do loath my self in photos at times because 10 years down the like i hate my wedding dress because i hadnt got a clue at the time what i wanted, same with the wedding decor. Its like it was not my wedding yet still i don't know how id have done things differently. Just feel dissatisfied.

[@nataliabennett8157]

God. Its insane how much I relate to all of this video. The frustration in mever feeling content woth my reflection of self, constantly changing after weeks or months with my haor colour, style (emo/vintaye cottage core/retro rockabilly/urban/neutrals/artistic creative etc.. My friend and I had a conversation about how his mum would see me on the computer or instagram and be lile 'she never looks lile the same person". And everytime i deliver work tp the gallery for a shpw (every fre months) they always comment on how im an enigmatic with my looks always changing. My friend says everything suits me noatter what I try out because shes so used to me always changing how i look - i dont have a style.

[@nataliabennett8157]

The thing is i know i have an instictive built in flair for design and im obsessed with colour theory - i love interior design, im an artist and graphoc designer/interior production designer and ive also tried to lean into being a new person when i feel it on the inside from cottage core feminine to androgynous style. I never blended or liked current trends except for the emo/scene trend. I always thought the jocks and popular trending cycles.of fashion were bull shit but im always experimenting and knpw my shape and what works for my own resonance.

[@cptswann]

I 1000% relate at minute 3. I have had so many looks over the years. I knew even then that I chose my look with others in mind first and my preference second. Only within the last few months have I realized, I know what i like to wear, and most of my wardrobe does not work for me.

[@yundorphin]

I'm still researching, to see if I feel comfortable with identifying as autistic, but the fashion part was very relatable. I wore a pajama dress/nightgown to elementary school once because it was pink and new and I liked it. I had no idea until I was teased about it that it was meant only for sleep/home.

[@anjachan2]

Sad how people can be. I think you look good now! And yeah because of some girls I felt like that too. But after some time I had enough and did my thing again xD

[@nataliabennett8157]

I alsp remembered when youre talkong about the girls and your i teractions -i always got along woth one or two boys thoough school and always had male mates and one female best friend from about 3 years old. That then made me a target because i wasnt "in" with the girls and rumours about me being slutty and flirty were constant. And i was such a fridget person. The idea of sex and all that stuff was so interesting from a science curiosity based place, not a experimental, physical touch way like the other girls. And tour comments about covering up after experiencing attention os so real. I was ra*ed. And the trauma of my own perception of my body was exactly like what your explaining. and i have only just gotten tp a place where after 7 years i feel like i can wear shorts and i still wear bike shorts underneath them. This video resonated so deeply with me. Got id love to talk with you on person. I love intelletual conversation and im recoeving so much comfort listening to you. Thankyou

[@GloamyGrimCore]

This is painfully relatable 🥺💯❤️‍🩹

[@catalystcomet]

I relate to the dissociation thing at the beginning, but I also have a very serious dissociative disorder.

[@kerribelleville7958]

I grew up in Costa Rica where uniforms are the norm in most schools. When I was about 11 we moved and I spent my middle school years in an American school overseas. The culture shock and delays in written language and other subjects were overwhelming enough without the added realization of my appearance, more specifically my clothes. It’s bizarre how just a few negative interactions can make you self aware to the point of being extremely self conscious. Luckily my mom has always had a better understanding of fashion/makeup than I did so I ended up mirroring her in an attempt to appear more normal and to avoid the negative feedback I was getting. Looking back, I remember forcing myself to deal with the discomfort of a lot of the clothes I wore because it was more important for me to fit in. Having to pick out different outfits every day was extremely challenging and anxiety inducing for me. Anyways, I remember my high school doing some sort of survey on where students were asked about uniforms. I remember wishing we could wear uniforms before they even conducted that survey because I couldn’t imagine anyone would have a reasonable explanation for wanting to spend the time and energy picking out or buying new clothes. It was shocking to realize that most of my peers hated the notion of wearing uniforms because it limited their self expression. I had no idea what that even meant because I’d never even considered that my clothing could be a reflection of my interests or preferences. Clothing choices were purely made based on what I knew other people would like or what would make me sort of float under the radar…

[@jana_4_klu]

Omg, i didn't know i do this too. Thank you so much!

[@RedVelvetUnderground333]

so many pros are quacks. asian experience growing up, either sticking out or conform to group. fashion and make up does have rules and guidelines, which does make it stimulating to express within ur own boundries.

[@christalintentions]

This resonates sooooo much. My tv scrolls photos of me and I also watch like it’s another version of me. Other people see different pictures of me and say I look different in every picture like it’s not me and I get so offended.

[@muscovy5000]

You should write a book!

[@badboygoodgirl]

yup i wore swim shorts and no t shirt yesterday

[@torreykat]

The assumption made by that psychiatrist that "Fashion" is for allistics only... as if all allistics are fashionable? is also bizarre to me. The way autistic individuals will have deep dive special interests would, to me, be an indicator they would 100% be capable of knowing EXACTLY what's fashionable if that's their particular interest. Double that if fitting in is necessary to avoid rejection. I wonder how much fashion can also be like, a purposeful rejection of immediate community in order to protect oneself too. I went all-in on mall goth during highschool because it set me apart as someone to avoid, which is what I wanted. I didn't want people to talk to me, I didn't want people to have expectations of me. I set those expectations with my clothes.

[@Mochimaker333]

I literally didn't understand socialness unless I went on the internet and studied psychology. Learning patterns was helpful but it took like 25 years

[@iThiink]

I had a similar situation of being told I didnt fit the criteria, however if you really look at the way I was it was as obvious as being the only house with power durig a blackout. 1. I had no friends and didn't know how to make them 2. I have awful audio processing 3. I would walk EVERYWHERE on my tippy toes 4. HATED and still dislike certain food textures (crunchy, gritty or chewy) 5. Didnt understand that asking certian questins or saying what you think was "rude". And my family made me mask alot, i was constantly told that how i acted or what i did wasn't appropriate, I was honestly told speak when spoken to shut up and keep still with no explanation to why. Now i have minimal social skills 😂😂😂😂

[@etcwhatever]

My parents hid some of my clothes growing up...because the color combos...pattern combos were...special to say the least. I still like colours but understood now that its better to mix something neutral with a bright. Or a patern wirh a non patern item. I got made fun of because of my clothes choices but only realized this was the reason at 19yo. I was oblivious to the reasons i got bullied...there were more...and that made me suffer hard. I just couldnt get it. I had a phase in my 20s where i couldnt get out of the house without makeup. It would make me too anxious. Now i do makeup when i want...and for fun.

[@asmrxox.xn.n98D]

19:32 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭thank you for explaining this on a video, i had such a hard time trying to explain this on my own without sounding like im trying to victimize myself

[@aliteraloxymoron]

High school and elementary pictures just seem so odd for me. Maybe it’s due to the hardships in my life. My early childhood was pretty traumatic and lost someone whom I really genuinely loved, unlike other people whom I knew were disingenuous, this person was a very loyal and honest individual and I had lost that. I feel so disconnected from my child self and it’s sad. I from an early age was very aware I couldn’t be myself, that I wasn’t going to be accepted and that my relatives would brain wash me. I have yet to look for a formal diagnosis but after covid I have regressed a lot socially and I don’t think it’s just adhd (diagnosed). I have two other blood relatives who have been diagnosed on the spectrum and I suspect another one or two might be too. I ponder about my early childhood and I wonder if all my reflective thinking stems from plausibly being autistic. I already knew nearly all the concepts of life and life lessons since grade two. It didn’t stem from learning it from someone. A lot I knew was self reflection and I’m still perplexed by the fact I figured that out since I never had a close relationship to anyone where I would learn valuable stuff from and also nobody surrounding me was mature enough to figure those things out since they were very superficial. I felt very isolated by that. High school was a different ordeal. I had a hard time emotionally and I shut off from society. I suspected I had a personality disorder by the fact that I had severe mood swings (I always had some growing up) and the daily mental breakdowns. Last year i narrowed it to a plausible bipolar disorder but recently it clicked. I figured that the cycles of my mood swings were too fast and that it could be a plausible sign of being in the spectrum. Which is further reinforced by the fact that I have a close relative member who is in it. I don’t know. I feel like I am over exaggerating, but the more I learn the more everything points at it. I find it very hard to accept since I already have a lot of frustration by the fact I can never fit it socially and I find myself to behave oddly. I have very high standards for myself.

[@SteshuShu]

Asian American here, and I am saddened that you were bullied for liking anime. I did notice it to be a niche interest at the time, but I was never really shamed for it. Teased sure, but that was definitely my special interest and my comfort. I actually dealt with the opposite in terms of my ethnic background. I felt the need to fit into the Asian mode because of the Asian pride that was seen in my community and I had next to nothing. (father appeared to be forced to assimilate and my mom followed suit). Thank you for your insights though. Very interesting.

[@SteshuShu]

Especially about girls and cliches. It resonated for sure for me. And how attractiveness comes into play. I'm upset you were harrassed. It's not right.

[@jamjam9962]

There were two instances in my life where I lost a lot of weight and wanted to dress in a way that made me feel nice. Losing weight is a huge accomplishment for a lot of people. The first time it happened I was a preteen and wanted to fit in with my school friends. The second time was because stress from relatives and other factors in my life made my stomach real weak and eating most foods made me sick. But I was still proud of my weight loss. It was a struggle choosing clothing that made me feel good about myself and also didn't make others uncomfortable. I wasn't buying anything immodest and followed the if it's too low it won't go, if it's too high I won't buy, and I Still got reactions from others that made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong. I felt ashamed then I felt Anger. I was doing nothing wrong. When I was a preteen I did want attention and to fit in, but when I became an adult trying to deal with stress I didn't. I dress for comfort for the situation, and functionality, while adding a little of my own flavor if I want to. I feel like I swing to extremes sometimes with wanting to dress artistic, and then wanting to dress in like a hoodie and jeans or workout clothes because I'm active. But no matter how a person dresses they're still human.

[@caturpillah1046]

What keeps me stuck in clothes that I don't like is the fact that I get a lot of comments on my body if I don't cover it up. When I was a teen this was for some reason less important to me. But now that I represent myself in life as an adult, it really bothers me when people comment on the way I dress and sexualize me. It makes me feel like i'm not being taken seriously.

[@MariamArt_]

I’m sure being a female is so uniquely challenging and so difficult to the point whereby we have to camouflage ourselves & suppress our true identity plus personality so Boys & Men can see our womanhood and femininity as validating. So we will be subjected to homophobia & misogyny. When it comes to other girls & females we always have to accommodate them so we can make them see as one of them. We do it just to fit in and feel accepted by other females. So we aren’t the targets of bullying and harassment. 😕🙁

[@towanda9071]

Every few weeks i hate my hair colour, my makeup, how i dress and all the sudden feel like i dont look like 'me' so i dye my hair change my look, feel like 'myself' for a bit then it happens again and again. Ill see photos and see some of them as myself and not..its very confusing. I never really feel like 'me'.... Also ill try to change my look based on people im around. Dont wear too much color, wear more black, go bold, wear bland colors...it feels crazy..

[@iThiink]

I had a reallllly shitty experience, because im concidered attractive, It was SO hard making friends, other women instantly saw me as a threat and because of being quiet It was assumed I was stuck up or really nasty person.

[@iThiink]

But guys loved it, men love insicure women 😂

[@Slowlyali]

Barely 5 minutes in and I’ve never felt so seen..😭

[@TechnicolorGothic]

Omg this is so me

[@theventingcorner]

I could never quite understand the stalking and harassment. I developed agoraphobia due to it.

[@gypsyeyes1230]

A lot of these symptoms mimic Borderline Personality Disorder. At one point how were you able to differentiate? And did you feel maybe you had BPD at one point?

[@asmrxox.xn.n98D]

I been around women with a strong•er• personality personally before this video i couldnt describe with words "mean spirited" made me feel so confused and scared... oppressed... i delt/deal with it ...

[@sam73322]

This goes way beyond autism. This should be an article.

[@Cass_772]

You are beautiful, you don't need makeup

[@Columbo453]

They let you eat in the library??? 😭

[@MandK1if3]

Just thought to say your beautiful

[@kajielin4354]

God yes, I still am a costume girlie, and it started young! I insisted on wearing my princess dress and plastic crown to picture day in kindergarden and am glad my friends still celebrate halloween with me, even though we all are grown up adults, haha!

[@Lili-lt5qo]

. 000

[@badboygoodgirl]

IDK if i’m explaining it but this video made me realize how my non-binaryness has been omnipresent my entire life.

[@badboygoodgirl]

to me, nothing you are describing seems like the idea of what a typical cishet would do.

[@user-bj3vk8ow5y]

Xdxdxdxd

[@FeldiArts]

Oh the being made fun of for watching anime and reading manga has nothing to do with racism. it's the good old "cartoons are for children" stigma that got us into that shit. I can still remember back when I was bullied for reading manga, loving pokemon and drawing in that particular style. I switched schools, connected with my new Class' nerds and am still arting to this day.

[@NinaSofia_]

[@echolaliac]

well, look at that comment section… how lovely! 🤍