the innate loneliness of being autistic & how we can create sustainable friendships

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[@borderline2K]

For me, it always felt like everyone else had known eachother for years and I had just met them, even with kids I had known since the beginning of school. It felt like they all knew how to interact with eachother as easy as I could interact with someone like my sister, but I didn’t know why I couldn’t get to that point with them and they could with eachother. I’ve never felt like I could truly connect with others.

[@fluffypenguinbabe]

Yes! Even when you logically know that it isn't the case. I remember when I started university, I told myself I was going to talk to people and be social, but literally on the first day, I walked in and the entire room just felt like everyone had naturally bonded, and I was already the odd one out. Of course some people will have known each other already, but I felt like "Oh well now I can't go and join in because I'd just be interrupting their close-knit group". 🤦‍♀️

[@vejoshiraptor]

This is exactly how I’ve always felt. Like I’m perpetually the new kid at school, just got here a few months ago, even if it’s been years. I never catch up to everyone else.

[@maddie-uq2wi]

OH MY GOD THIS!!!!! THIS IS LITERALLY HOW I FEEL CONSTANTLY

[@randomaf2848]

I feel like I can't even truly connect with my own sister:(

[@luffypunketa]

This is exactly how it feels. I remember using this exact same words to explain the feeling before, made me sad realizing it's because I am autistic:(

[@invisible__design657]

I was telling an allistic friend about my autistic struggles with these things and he was SO dismissive, saying everyone struggles with relationships and autistic people are just trying to find imaginary struggles with relationships to feel special and quirky and it broke my heart, so I'm very glad to hear you talking about this because it makes me feel validated and like my experience is real and also that there is hope and ways in which we can have better and more sustainable bonds with others

[@thethoughtspot222]

You may need a new friend 🥴 cause his response was NOT okay. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It’s one thing to be ignorant but another thing to go out of your way to dismiss someone like that.

[@raven4090]

@@thethoughtspot222 I was thinking the same thing about that situation.

[@delontesmith6355]

Kiss that jerk goodbye

[@H1ana2digital]

I would have also found that difficult to hear. He wasn't showing any empathy or understanding at all! I have had people respond in incredibly cruel ways when I've opened up to them about my severe loneliness. I've very quickly learned that they are not true friends.

[@JohnnyTaxonomy]

Sounds like they're not much of a friend and maybe quite ignorant as a person.

[@BustaShenanigans]

It's weird knowing that I'm just 1 of like 10 friends that they'll talk to or hang out with this week and for me they're the 1 and only friend I'll see all month.

[@fawnedover]

I was literally thinking ab this the other day. It’s hard to think ab how they’re so much more important to me than i am to them. They’re like rlly special to me but i’m just another friend to them.

[@tracybartels7535]

Yes, and some people are like, "yes, you're my friend" but I soon found out I'm still the outsider friend and for me they really are the only ones, like I had a couple at work (where I worked nearly 10 years) and one is really kind and we'd talk and even hung out a couple of times outside work but those interactions are very very rare for me and they do them often and with many people, plus they have closer relationships. My mind boggles how everyone likes everyone else more and no matter how I try to listen or joke or help, nobody comes to me to talk or get cheered up or for help, they go to others and I'm like, "OK, I tried".

[@unchainmybrain]

Ouch

[@AdeenaHussain-nl1hb]

@@fawnedoverI told one of my friends recently I felt like I held her closer to me than she does me, and she was like yeah that’s okay that’s how friendships work 😭😭 And that’s like idk what to say

[@SunnyDallasRealtor]

@@tracybartels7535 my husband says they don’t actually like each other that much. It’s effortless for them because it’s also not that deep to them. That helped me a lot because now I am shooting for a low stakes connection. It took a lot of the pressure off

[@Barfigarfi]

Always easier to make friends than keep them I find. They like the idea of me, being honest and funny to be around etc but wouldn’t stick up for me if someone called me weird cause they know it’s true

[@dean1111]

god same. i had this mask of making fun of myself & playing dumb with my adhd that people really loved at the beginning, but when my rsd and clingyness started to show, i couldn't sustain the friendship any longer

[@katieundercover]

ouch… that’s real

[@dmgroberts5471]

It's like there's an initial period, where it's easy because you aren't invested, then when you become invested, you start over-analyzing and worrying.

[@semilorekaji-hausa2078]

This hits

[@AmandaSbarros]

SAME

[@confusion7809]

i find it so much easier to have neurodivergent friends than neurotypical friends bc i don’t have to explain myself or worry about things

[@tracik1277]

Sounds heavenly. I hope I get to know some similar people.

[@freshcorn2347]

@@tracik1277 bumble bff is genuinely a goldmine for meeting neurotypical friends!! ive never had an autistic friend (to my knowledge) until a couple months ago and now i have a few of them due to bumble bff. i feel more comfortable hanging out with them than most people cuz i finally have some friends that wont judge me

[@laughingcow1162]

The first thing to make me realize I was autistic before diagnosis was the fact that that literally all my friends and boyfriends even are autistic, I thought maybe i just attract austic people because I'm not judgmental and I understand how to interact with them, turns out it's because I'm autistic myself, I was just unaware of it most of my life

[@borderline2K]

I still can’t sustain friendships with people who are autistic as well… sure, we still consider eachother friends, but I don’t talk to them

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes😊😊😊😮

[@clemtvrequestparty]

being that “easy going” friend is what got me caught up with too many narcissists

[@phenitagomes1292]

Same

[@prettypuff1]

Can confirm

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes😮😮😮😮😮

[@ericxb]

Unfortunately, same

[@rashaking3144]

Absolutely!

[@user-ie9pb8hd6q]

I've given up on making friends. I've been used, discarded, bullied, and excluded so many times that I have no desire to interact with humanity anymore. It was so dehumanizing. I'm going to become a hermit

[@Clickwrap]

I will be your friend. I agree. People are scary.

[@JenniferRusso5]

I have been a hermit for years. People have treated me terribly for most of my life so I choose to avoid that misery.

[@kalleidemation]

So many of us feel exactly the same. What if we all hung out with each other? Would that outcome be different? I would hope so.

[@Seriously007MAGIC]

Someone not being able to see your worth does not make you any less worthy. A lot of times I feel more alone around other people because it’s so hard to be myself around them, and I’ve struggled socially my entire life too. I would always just isolate myself. I love my alone time and it’s how I keep my sanity. So I definitely get it. & Also It makes sense why it’s harder to connect with some people than with others, not everyone will understand your experience, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. & It’s not fair, and very cruel when people are unkind for no reason other than differences- and those people probably wouldn’t have added the value to your life like you were wanting them to anyway. It’s worth it to wait for the real ones. & Also knowing the red flags for toxic personalities helps too, especially narcissism- I swear it’s at the root of any bullshit like that you might face with people. But the good ones are worth putting that effort into for sure. And please just know that you’re not alone.💙 And please don’t let anyone convince you to hide your light away.

[@Notpersonhumanbutorb]

We are waiting out here for you, I’m so sorry cruel people made you suffer. Not everybody is cruel , may you find the hope .

[@thiccletics]

Put me in a room of NT- no one usually likes me right off the bat for no reason. It’s always been that way

[@flynt5856]

same. it really hurts sometimes, knowing that the only thing i did wrong is existing with autism

[@dean1111]

same

[@Bar_Bar27]

Same my whole life. But why this happens does anyone knows?

[@dianathomas2674]

@@Bar_Bar27 I wonder if it was Yo Samdy Sam who had a video about this, The uncanny valley, explaining how ND people can appear as almost human to NTs, or something like that. I wouldn't know, though. I don't socialize. People are downright cruel imo.

[@JoyFay]

Even worse, they bully, encourage others to bully and openly justify their triangulation.

[@Jay828__]

It gets worse as you get older. There's a little sweet spot but after most marry,have kids & reach higher career levels while you're just trying to navigate life & survive, you'll stick out more as an oddball. Some will use you. Others may even toy with you. It's bleak. Sincerely, the best of luck to you all. Its a rough & lonely life

[@fucchan_xo]

Then why bother with getting older in the first place? It doesn't seem worth the pain.

[@DrLion78]

​@@fucchan_xoWe can't control our age. But we may find a friend out there who will always try to be there for you. We just need to keep going. God has a purpose for all of us. Stay safe out there guys And May God Bless You All.

[@fucchan_xo]

@@DrLion78 I don't believe in God, but thanks anyway.

[@DrLion78]

​@@fucchan_xoYou're welcome.

[@Jay828__]

@@fucchan_xo because I'm am not ready to concede defeat for being different. There's enough things to enjoy and look forward to. Compare yourself to NTs and their relationships & you will be in pain. Hope you can find things that make it worth carrying on

[@denisethegood]

This is my problem - I’m painfully lonely (asd, social anxiety, chronic illlness) yet the idea of connecting with other humans feels so far away, and very exhausting. So no matter how much I want to reconnect with old friends, meet up with new lik minded people or friendly ex colleagues, there is so much that stops me and that again feels so lonely! I wish I could meet someone who semi feels like me - awkward, anxious, easily exhausted - and that we both encourage each other to meet up, go to the movies, to an exhibition etc where we can also just do nothing and be silent. But I know that’s not gonna happen either. 😢

[@bethanythatsme]

I can relate 100% and I wish I could do more for all of us in this exact situation

[@yeahibecoollikethat]

yup, that's me

[@Emma-fq9pv]

You described this so well! That’s exactly what I want but feels impossible to have since it’s so unlike the norm. Maybe if we’re around the same age we could chat sometime! 😊

[@dancingram79]

Oh sweety! yes it could. Im the same... I do love to connect but I get so tired. Even texting is draining. But I just reconnected with another possible like minded friend and Im hopeful. Hang in there and look for forums etc to connect with others like us. 😊❤

[@dancingram79]

​@@Emma-fq9pv❤❤

[@plushieangela]

I'm literally in tears this hits so close to home. My school years of just not understanding why, feeling the odd one out, and always feeling that disconnection and inevitable rejection.

[@entropy59122]

All I ever am is ignored. I'm still dealing with being left out, I just don't know how to fit into a group. And the funny thing is people seem interested in me initially but then they COMPLETELY ignore me. It causes me to have so much resentment like I really don't like spending time with anyone. But I also don't want to be left out. 😢 All my friendships fade away... currently the group I'm in, I still get kind of ignored. The people that came after me got included, but I don't. I just, it's so painful. I believe I screw everything up.

[@dambigfoot6844]

That is the story of countless people on the spectrum. At my work new employees got welcomed right away but as for me I still have never been greeted by some people I see everyday. I don’t particularly want a 8 hour conversation everyday but I do want at least for people to acknowledge that I exist.

[@georgiagalaxy]

The same thing happened to me!! But luckily I’ve had very good interactions recently away from the toxic group that makes me feel bad :)

[@entropy59122]

@@georgiagalaxy that's great!

[@dambigfoot6844]

@@georgiagalaxy That is good to hear. It is interesting that people are perfectly fine with ignoring you for an indefinite period and talking about you but never talking to you. Other pretty outgoing people will welcome you and overall respect you

[@tracybartels7535]

That sounds exactly right. Being on the outskirts and never invited closer, and if you try to get closer, it's like there's some invisible wall. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't felt it, but your explanation sounds perfect to me. Like, I join a group to meet people and think I'm doing well and then find out they're all at each other's houses and oh... I'm about to change jobs and I'm terrified because I had at least those distant friendships with kind people, but always kind of sad that there were always limits.

[@teriddax3692]

This is my advice based on my own experiences: Tell them you're autistic from the get-go. It'll explain any subconscious off feelings they get, and if they can get past that, they're worth making an effort for. If they can't, better to rip the band aid off now than spend months struggling until the inevitable burnout and loss of friendship. Seek out other autistics. Pretty obvious, a lot of them will get it to some degree, for the same reason people of the same race clump together. Seek out singular friends rather than groups. It's much less work, and much easier to stay engaged if it's one on one, and it avoids the problem you mentioned in another video, where a friend agrees the group is mistreating you but doesn't stand up for you. Even a single person that you can be yourself to, that you can interact with, is a friggin blessing.

[@ReeshaFA]

love this❤

[@chummer2060]

Even when I have a group of friends, I never feel like I'm really part of the group.

[@speedbird3955]

I felt the exact same way at recess in kindergarten. I am 63 years old and I could still show you the bench in the playground that I sat on all these years later, when I came to the realization that I had no idea how the other kids knew what to do. And I still don't know .....

[@SerrasVictoria]

Same! I remember talking to a guy who went to school with me as kids, and he said, "I remember you'd always walk around by yourself at recess. I felt bad for you." 😔 I feel exactly the same - how did all the other kids just know what to do?? And why didn't I get that memo?

[@AmbiguousFreak]

Im 46 and I still feel like I don't know what to do

[@nikkinixon8417]

my heart sank when you started describing how lonely your childhood was. i have felt that way my entire life and i never could understand why. i felt like id always cry and struggle with it and no one in my life knew how to help me. i’ve been through a lot but the loneliness has been the worst of it. thank you for talking about this it made me feel a lot less alone

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

I think we innately know we're truly alone because nobody around us is in the same existence that we are. We're in a way different space ship lol. Our bodies work differently.

[@ssalazar8965]

Those lonely times in the school library, are now an endearing memory. I learned so much and found a love for reading. It was my safe place and years later I still " don't know how to jump in" .

[@shermk7955]

For me it was the art room 😂

[@tracybartels7535]

Bless the libraries! I still feel that way sometimes. Libraries make me feel safe. Over the years of high school, I would occasionally be an outsider in a friend group for a few months, but when that ended, back to the library.

[@fluffypenguinbabe]

I literally volunteered to spend my lunch breaks helping in the library at primary school. And yet no one questioned why I didn't want to be out mixing with the other kids 😅

[@Wade.Stikmann]

I'm just so tired of everything I feel or say being seen as strange. I don't have many people in my life, but every time I try to explain something I like or how I enjoy something, I get that 'stare'. They stare at me like I have two heads, tell me I'm weird or kind of creepy, then move on as if I was joking. I'm just not taken seriously and I doubt there's much I can do to convince them I'm being honest and trying to relate, but each time I try I find a new faux pas or social barrier that I have to spend months agonizing over. Why do we always have to work so hard to explain ourselves and understand them when they rarely give us the same effort?

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

That's the great mystery for us isn't it...

[@khplaylistyt9729]

because youre in the wrong environment :)

[@aimforlifenow]

@@khplaylistyt9729 every environment is the wrong environment for us buddy

[@khplaylistyt9729]

@@aimforlifenow No, thats just you being a whiny ass b

[@Barfigarfi]

I totally know what you know about this ‘easy-going’ facade. It’s like a sage barrier, If you act like you don’t care, people won’t be mean and things will be easier

[@jewelvang8242]

I'm a bit in that stage now, it's just easier to not care and move on

[@cherylyoke4872]

I’ve acted for so long like I don’t care that I wonder if it’s true. There was a guy who called me late last night saying we were through, and I wished him well and encouraged him to still consider me a friend, and if he needed anything please let me know. We’re still planning for me to drive him to and from his hip surgery later this month.

[@tracybartels7535]

A friend of mine told me that I was that way, like I was just "there" and never brought myself to friendships, didn't contribute and make it easy to get to know me. I tried to fix that and it was a whole big mistake of then saying the wrong things and sharing the wrong stories and stuff. How DO they know?

[@GarnetRodLady]

All of my friends come from disperate places. None of them know each other, so it's harder to maintain friendships because they all have their own social lives and I often feel like the odd person out.

[@emma.9121]

Same. Idk how anyone has a “friend group” after high school (or during)

[@invisible__design657]

me too! my whole life

[@bethanythatsme]

Absolutely

[@jclyntoledo]

what's "disperate"?... I wanna like but idk what that first sentence is.

[@policeofcydonia4266]

@@jclyntoledo that was probably 'disparate', fundamentally of different kind

[@bradwelljackson6385]

I certainly remember wanting to have friends when I was younger, and I definitely remember feeling angst over not being able to relate to neuro-typicals. However, as I grew older, I found that I liked very much being alone, and I am here to tell other autistics that there is *nothing* wrong with enjoying being by yourself. My understanding is that this is a characteristic of autistics. As a matter of fact, I do believe that this was the original way that autistics were diagnosed, i.e. that psychologists began to notice that certain children felt no need to socialize and preferred being alone. All the love you need is already inside you. All the answers in life that you need are already inside you.

[@sanguinescorpioreadings2594]

I notice people are very open to me one on one but the second we’re in a group dynamic they turn on me and shut me out. It’s extremely painful because I do really crave that sense of community. My deepest desire is just to find other women who want to spend time with me, make art, spend time in nature, just support each other through life. I mask so hardcore to try to get those things, but even with masking nobody seems to want that with me. The friends I attract are extremely distant and seem uninterested in seeing each other on a regular basis. I’m really lucky that I have my husband who I completely unmask and feel safe around, but he’s just one person and can’t meet all my needs because that’s impossible. I have so much love to give. Masking doesn’t work because I get burnt out, but being myself gets me shut out so much. No clue where to meet other autistic/adhd friends outside of work. I work with all women and I just want their acceptance so badly. It’s so disheartening.

[@creaky7777]

I understand. It’s so sad and causes me to have so much anger and resentment to everyone around me. I skip all my college classes as much as I can for this reason, because the feeling of how different I am from others is really upsetting and I will think I have a friend and they slowly distance themself from me. I hate people

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

I relate as a sensitive guy.

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

​@@creaky7777my sister who is also autistic like me, did exactly that over 10 years ago now. I can have either a halo effect or a failo effect. It's hell lol.

[@bri3449]

i’ll be your friend

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

@@bri3449 I'll be /your friend

[@weirdoneontheblock]

I remember in elementary school that my friends were the reason why the library started to be closed off during lunch time. During lunch I started hanging out in the library instead of going to the playground because it was quiet and I could study more. My friends at the time wondered why I liked the library so much so they came over to hang out around me one or two times- were loud the entire time and thought it was boring. So, they never came back, and that next week the library was no longer open during recess indefinitely so I couldn't go back and was forced to be around the playground where no books were allowed- even our own.

[@francescakyanda9182]

Recess growing up was so bad for me, I just wandered around until we al had to go inside. I wasn’t allowed to read because my teachers were hell bent on making me socialize.

[@Marlodrama]

One way I keep losing friends is when I get too comfortable with them. When I find a friend who doesn’t exhaust me, who seems to like my rants and little quips, who SEEM to just understand me when I speak and share feelings with them. But I often misjudge how comfortable they really are or how committed to the friendship they are. I have so much to say, so much love to give etc, i just end up overwhelming and smothering people I guess. Thats led to a lot of painful friendship breakups. Also, I think being hyper aware of myself intimidates people. I have a pretty reasonable understanding of how I’m feeling and the reasons, which I share pretty freely when I think its relevant. I guess neurotypicals/allistics kinda know that stuff but they keep it to themselves, which leads to problems when I do or say something wrong. I’ve been sent paragraphs describing the ways I wasn’t good enough over text- a lot of times. Its always the same, telling me things they could have told me to my face (and given me a chance to course correct) but instead just use as their cue to ghost after throwing all their “reasons” at me. The lack of closure every time makes me feel awful. I am a genuinely thoughtful and understanding person, I care deeply about others and my impact on them. But people I trust always seem to forget that. Its just hard to never get the benefit of the doubt. Its always 3 strikes and im out, but I was never notified about the first two strikes.

[@nicoledeshore3515]

It’s lonely having autism and being too smart for my own good, I stopped answering questions and just say I don’t know because I’m tired of being told I’m wrong and realize my place to operate and shut up and I’m burying my emotions again and go back to masking

[@ptlovelight2971]

This channel has become my comfort animal, lol I've felt very lonely recently, which is rare for me. Like you Irene, I was more outgoing and social as a kid. I had a natural ability to make others laugh. But also like you, I never did form a "group" of friends. And anytime I came close, traumatic events in my family happened that took me away from my friends. I changed schools often. By the time high school hit, I was being bullied and only had like 3 people I talked to. After graduation we never saw each other again. During adulthood, I've tried and failed many times to create new bonds. I'm slightly awkward socially, but I'm not inept and can be gregarious and charismatic if I feel comfortable. I also tend to pick people who are (probably) struggling in a similar way so connection was never maintained. I wish everything wasn't so damn HARD for ASD folks...as if it wasnt hard enough

[@invisible__design657]

for me i feel like developing relationships with other autistic people has been so much easier though it might be harder to find those people initially

[@thethoughtspot222]

I always enjoy reading your comments! Glad to have you here🤗

[@zjariellealwalcott9249]

I am also autistic and I am 22 years old and from my experience most of my friends were neurodiverse and still until this day most of my friends are neurodiverse I tried being friends with neurotypical people and it didn't work out they didn't understand me they criticized me all the time I was judgemental and at one point I lost trust in people because it was just two stressful to deal with that and I just started to go to events for adults with autism and I made some new friends and it just feels good to un mask and be my true authentic self and I could relate to people

[@foljs5858]

Also it's not all neurodivergent people who make good friends. Other ASD and ADHD yes, people with other stuff (like bipolar) are often the same as NT to treating autistic people. And of course NPD are the worst, even are predators of ASD people

[@micheller3251]

I reached a point where the thought of making friends feel tiring and pointless. I really wish it wasn't so. Maybe in a couple of years when my life gets more stable I'll have more energy to seek decent long lasting friendships, but for now I'm sick of putting efforts towards people who wouldn't move a finger for me, and only talk to me because they see me as some exotic pet to make them look more quirky.

[@jewelvang8242]

I've had a friend in elementary to highschool and i was friends with their friends. I found out later as an adult they didn't want to be my friend and were being nice to me by being a friend. So now I'm going through what you guys were going through as kids and it hurts. Learning all this rejection and loneliness so late and having to rethink your whole life and relationships

[@tracybartels7535]

I think the hardest thing is finding out people we thought were our friends really weren't, because it makes it hard to trust anyone. I personally need to have people prove things to me, ie they approach first, they friend first on social media- whenever possible because I want to avoid that situation, and yet making everyone else take steps first is apparently rude, though I think it's kind because then you aren't pressuring anyone to be a friend. It's so hard!

[@jewelvang8242]

@@tracybartels7535 WAIT it's rude?!?? Omg

[@williampeters1736]

It finally makes sence why I never understood the concept of friendship while growing up, and I still don't. It just totally drains me when trying to meet people because I have to pretend being something I am not just to fit it. I am always going to be the most quiet guy in a group setting, sometimes being a bit awkward from having little experience from socializing, prefering to spend a lot of time by my own and not having an active life with lots of things happening to tell people about. I totally understand this personality doesn't make people drawn to me.

[@nonoovictoria]

lmao i definitely have way too much self-awareness. every video I watch of yours I relate so much to as an asian american autistic woman. thank u so much for talking about these super nuanced aspects of living as an autistic. i'm currently struggling a lot with my friendships or even my acquaintances because of my masking and my tendency to self-select out of a lot of social situations. i've found out recently this year that some people at my college didn't have the best opinion of me or had a bad experience from me because of the way i was presenting myself - as in, not initiating or continuing conversations because i thought these people weren't interested in talking to me. I've also noticed that I was constantly going with the flow and not standing up for myself and what I believe with certain friends, which ends up with me enabling bad behavior - and since I tend to perseverate for days over these kinds of situations, my mental health has not been doing so well. but I have to remind myself that I can't control others' perception of me, and that in my next relationships, not only should I be less afraid of rejection, but I should also trust my moral compass and stand up for what I believe in and be more brave in pushing back on things that I don't agree with concerning my friends.

[@himexkoneko]

I'm 33 and have largely accepted that I'm autistic for almost a year now. I deeply relate to this video. I've been sitting on this thought recently and wondered how common it is among us. In a general sense, I have always been the one not invited out with people I know and have hung out with multiple times and who say they like me and enjoy my company. I am not the type to flake out last minute, when I make plans with someone, I will do everything in my power to attend. And yet, the times I've tried to invite a person or a few people out to go do something, I get canceled on, 9 times out of 10. Always last minute with weak excuses. It hurts me so deeply, that I recoil for months before I get the courage to try again. I just struggle to understand why I'm never considered in others' plans. Is it because I'm autistic? I'm up for just about anything, hell I'm more adventurous than my friends at times. I can deal with crowds or events in awkward locations, because the prize is the experience I hope to share with someone. I feel so alone in these thoughts. Does anyone relate to this at all?

[@bethanythatsme]

My social deficits were detectable at a very young age & although I was also outgoing, it was not recieved well to say the least. I was bullied & beat up on throughout my time in school until I couldn't face going anymore and ended up finishing my credits at a local community college. Life isn't that dramatic on a daily basis now that I'm a middle aged woman, but I'm still terribly lonely. I don't mind being single & childless, but I don't know anyone else my age in a similar situation. I spent 2022 trying to find a place to volunteer and hopefully become part of a community, but I'd get terribly overstimulated and I just wasn't making reciprocal relationships. It's a struggle to remain hopeful that I'll get it sorted out, but I very much appreciate listening to your story & the way your subscribers are generous with sharing thier vulnerabilities 💜

[@jaleesa00]

How have you made it this far as an autistic lady. How do you support yourself

[@drunkminecraftfan1335]

the idea of socializing and making friends always terrifies me since i was 12 because its so confusing for me (im now 22). at first i will think that they actually like me because of a similar interest or hobby or school activity, but after a short time i become sort of the odd one in the room - conversations dying down once i enter the picture, rude glances towards my way like my presence is such a bother to them, the fake tone and smile in their words and expression when they start talking to me, only to slowly leave me out of the conversation and ignore me when i try to speak. i felt like a ghost going through middle school and high school as i watch everyone around me sit at the tables with their friends in the lunchroom while i sat in the corner by myself, distracting myself with blasting music through my earphones or watching youtube. even now, the idea of making friends drives me to tears because of how unapproachable i am to everyone. i finally got into a friend group for the first time last year, however i knew that i was slowly fading from their circle when no one would respond to me whenever i made a comment, didn't bother checking up on me after i had multiple hospital trips or whenever i was absent in the group chat, and when they made a separate group chat without me. now i'm back to spending nights alone at my computer, watching youtube and wishing i had someone to talk to without them ghosting me or calling me weird and hateful for what i say and what i misinterpret. i just hope that one day that i will find someone who i can connect with and not feel so awkward or guilty about my autism

[@coolchameleon21]

i relate to everything you said

[@Comewithmeifuwant2live]

The issue I have is I don't know when to take a person at their word because sometimes they mean it and sometimes they don't. Like when I keep bumping into my new neighbour during the pandemic, and she was constantly suggesting that after the pandemic we all should get together. She keeps saying this, and for the first few times I took her literally... and tried to arrange but she'd says yes, then cancel it. After like the 5th/6th time (when it sounded really obviously and dumb) I began to realise it was just something she'd say to make herself feel less awkward about talking. This kind of thing happens all the time when I bump into old friends as well. Exchange numbers and the "we should do something" and then it's the same routine. I can never tell when someone is being genuine or just saying it because they feel awkward. It's just seems like something a lot of people do. I masked too, and have learned how to force myself to speak to people. And it's a lot of effort to do. Looking back at my childhood I can also make the assumption I had, and still have, selective (situational) mutism as well. This was not a good long term strategy for me lol I couldn't speak to girls I liked, (Especially when they liked me. Which sounds bizarre but it was because I had the added pressure of "I'm expected to do/say something now AND soon") I couldn't respond to a question asked by a teacher in class. Even one's I knew the answer to. Deafening silence in the classroom was humiliating and the teachers hated me.

[@loveinthematrix]

I'm lonely & I am also healing years of trauma which I was told that I was unworthy. it is hard

[@joaquintamayo3126]

I’m not the same person who I was anymore. I’ve been lonely, frustrated, and depressed. I feel like dealing with autism gets worse as you get older.

[@NotPrincessElise]

Exactly my problem, as a kid I would constantly switch friend groups but always feel a little out of place with each of them. Now I have a few friends due to homeschooling but for the friends I do have, I feel empty because I'm constantly serving them and I get nothing in return, because of this I literally feel like a pet. I'm now analyzing my friendships and trying to serve myself and people who appreciate me.

[@lilmissjoodypoody]

I’m 39 and still feel so lonely. I have quite a number of friends that accept me and care for me, but not anyone that actively wants to hang out with me regularly. Feels like everyone has lots on and not really have a not-complicated space for me. Not complicated as in not having these strict social rules about how you’re supposed to organise well in advance any meet ups, and no one else seem to feel the same urges to hang out a lot in spurts if we seem to hit a good vibe. It’s like there’s a rules book on how to friend as an adult and I missed out on getting my copy. I’m finding myself isolating from others because I perceive myself as being “too much” - oversharing, feeling too excited about things, don’t know when to leave etc. 😔 despite telling myself “ok don’t f this up again by oversharing or overstaying your welcome” beforehand, I seem to forget at the time or something and leave feeling like I’ve f’ed up again (and it doesn’t help when the other person isn’t trying to initiate another hangout soon after). Argh I am probably overthinking it, but I just wish I could go back to the more simple way that friendship worked as kids. 😕

[@dootdoot644]

Though im not autistic ( as far as i know), i relate to all of your videos so much, especially this one. Im in highschool, and throughout my life ive never had a group of friends, i have individual friends but they’re very temporary for the most part. I constantly feel lonely because i dont know how to connect with other people and talk to new people. Ive tried to connect and talk to new people but i always felt like i never belonged. I remember during one of my friends birthday parties, i hung out with a few people I know so i didnt get overwhelmed ( even though the only one i was friends with in the group was my current best friend ), but the whole night i felt truly like an outsider. I know its not their fault that i dont know how to socialize, but it made me feel like shit and so lonely even in a group of people. Its always been extremely hard for me to keep friends. For the most part, im an extremely monotoned and blunt person ( i dont mean to be, but i just am ). People think im mean or dont care about them. Its really difficult for me because i constantly look over the things i talk about and plan everything ahead of time. Whenever i say something that might have been off putting, i think about it for the rest of the conversation and after it. Im very grateful for my current best friend, but its still extremely difficult sometimes to maintain it. Thankfully she understands how i need to regain energy and cant be constantly available, but it makes me feel so bad. When it comes to other people, they dont understand how i feel really at all. Im bad at letting people know that i need space, but even when i do tell people, a lot don’t understand. I just end up ghosting people, because its so hard to explain to people how i feel and i cant really put it into words.

[@katieundercover]

hey friend, i saw this with so much kindness, but i think u might be autistic 😭😭 (i am too)

[@user-dg7jb1jl8j]

I relate to this so much. And the worst part is it doesn’t end, I’m 27 and on days like this I feel exactly like I did when I was 6 going around all the friend groups at recess and still feeling so lost and alone and wishing we could go back to class already. Don’t you wish you could be reborn in a different brain just for A DAY 😭

[@tmrx._]

I found this video randomly but I'm very glad I watched it. It made me cry, the experiences you narrated were just like mine: feeling like an spectator, not knowing how to become part of the group, masking, needing to isolate myself for a long time after interacting with friends due to how exhausting it can be... Friend groups or just socialising in groups has always been very difficult for me. This video has made me feel understood and I really appreciate that. Your advices are also very helpful.

[@PastelBrushes-n-Donuts]

Your words exactly describe me just now watching this. Thank you.

[@tmrx._]

@@PastelBrushes-n-Donuts I'm really glad to see another person with my experience :") all these things can be a bit hard but I hope we can all feel better someday and find more people who understand us

[@PastelBrushes-n-Donuts]

@@tmrx._ I agree.

[@georgiagalaxy]

@@tmrx._ Totally agree! ^^ 💖💖

[@GymmyJosh]

I wondered around alone a lot as a child too. The only difference today is I look like I have a purpose. I still like to be around people so I think that’s why I started reading so much. It allows me a reason to go to coffee shops or bars where people are with their social groups. It feels better just to be in close proximity to other people. It’s better than nothing.

[@alishac5096]

This is so relatable, the more people in a group the more variables there are to keep track of, especially if they have volatile personalities. It’s so confusing to wonder how to join games but not knowing what to do to initiate.

[@doma3554]

I’m 32 now, and I recently heard someone, perhaps it was actually this channel, say that most advice out there in books, TV, websites, KZbin, in-person conversation, is meant for neurotypicals. I feel that a lot of stress has been relieved from my body by having heard this, internalizing it, and seeing it as true in my daily life on multiple occasions ever since.

[@annadivergent2439]

Thanks for this video! It’s an important topic. I’ve struggled with all you said PLUS being way too intense with the new friends. I scare them off because I’m so focused on them; they become my special interest. It’s very “yikes”… and I struggle with pulling back. But then when they are as needy back, I hate it and need space. I feel very hypocritical in that sense. Have you experienced this too?

[@autumn5852]

I have😢

[@dean1111]

oh my god I'm so glad I'm not alone with this trait. i become very clingy and get tunnel vision on one person, and sometimes cause them to be ostracized from social circles because i become needy & I'm usually not very popular. It's ruined so many friendships because of this and am very much working on it. it's good to know that i can relate this back to something, neurodiversity, and know I'm not alone

[@autumn5852]

@@dean1111 you’re definitely not alone ☺️ and I agree, it’s sooooooooo helpful, reassuring, comforting and educational to know that there are others like us and that these traits/behaviours etc are to do with the autism/adhd and not because we’re somehow weird or faulty or hypocritical ☺️ I recently lost my whole family, including my only son, in fact, it was just this Christmas and it was because I simply refused to do what they wanted me to do (which was only so they didn’t feel bad!!! 😡), they didn’t actually want me with them but they didn’t want me to be alone as that would make them feel bad, and since I got over the initial shock (the emotions attached will take some time to work their way out of me but that’s ok) I’ve never felt so free and so happy and I no longer have the slightest interest in making friends with non-neurodiverse people, and the only ‘friends’ I do want, are simply the people who are doing what I’m doing - for example, I’m starting indoor bouldering and I’m sure I’ll meet ‘friends’ there but I’ll only see them when I’m there and I’m also learning to roller blade with another person (not autistic not mental health stuff and an outcast like me 😍 so we get along) but I wouldn’t want to see him outside of the times we skate and the rest of the time I honestly have never been so happy in my own skin ~ who knew that all I had to do to be happy and free and stop trying to fit in to a world that does not naturally include me was to loose my family!!! 😁 I should have done it years ago! I do love my family by the way and I do miss them but the freedom and happiness I feel from loosing them is so profound that I couldn’t go back now ~ I’ve finally found my happy place and I’m not giving it up for anyone ~ I actually feel like there’s nothing to stop me now from doing anything I want and I’m taking this year as a year for radical self love, healing and recovery from a six year burnout and who knows what will happen after that 😍🥰😍 it’s all very exciting and especially the no more friends bit ☺️

[@ariadnameza6594]

@@autumn5852 it’s good you feel better but loosing your son in the process sounds like something concerning. I’m not a mom but a child is a lifelong commitment, even to the possible deterioration of the parent, no one asked to be born and no one wants to feel like they were (for lack of a better word) abandoned for their parent’s wellbeing. You shouldn’t have to get back with your entire family, but maybe consider getting back with your son (?) it’s one of those relationships that can make or break someone. Yet again idk how old your son is or how that separation worked. Hopefully it turns out fine.

[@autumn5852]

@@ariadnameza6594 Hi Ariadna, thanks and thankfully my relationship with my son is (slowly) going well and I’m learning to accept my mum just as she is and she’s starting to understand me and I think in time, things will work out and the family will come back together, but thanks for your comments, even though you say you’re not a parent you gave good advice, so I’d say your probably more of a parent than some who have given birth 💗

[@JephPlaysGames]

I've found that I can make some friends and they'll stay as long as I am fun/easy/convenient/"acceptable" to be friends with. But as soon as I start needing someone to process my struggles with, or I can't make last minute plans because I constantly plan my life days/weeks/months in advance due to being self-employed, or I get falsely accused of something by a mutual friend, everyone ends up dropping like flies.

[@JerrTheHooman]

This is something I'm struggling with. I realized, it's easy to make friends but hard to maintain them. I keep everyone at an arms length to avoid attachment because I feel like they'll leave. This distance makes them feel unwanted then they eventually leave and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that "there's no point in trying because I can't keep friends anyway". I'm working on having the courage to be myself and reach out more and not worry about whether they find me weird, awkward, annoying, clingy, etc. I don't show myself, talk about my problems, my life or anything...I just listen to them and ask about them

[@Savvy.too.]

That part, easy to make friends but hard to maintain. I’m also trying the not to talk about myself much and listen to them and their problems. It works a bit but it doesn’t feel great.

[@coolchameleon21]

same. i’ve basically become an avoidant shell around people now. i don’t share vulnerabilities with people i befriend anymore. i don’t share anything about me or my life, good or bad, because their response it will likely be a staunch reminder that they don’t actually care.

[@Slimeranchchampion]

I once tried to explain that I prefer having friends that were also autistic and that i dont get along well with neurotypical’s. Her response was “well I’m neurotypical,” and told me it was discriminatory to “limit my friendships”. I never went back to her 😅

[@alexadellastella5247]

thanks for your videos. What is difficult too I feel is that neurotypicals were a mask too! a different one, very unconscious and they feel comfortable with to a certain extent since this is their social persona... so if I take off the mask myself, I become scary in a way for them since too much authenticity is not what most people want ... they just wanna chit chat and relax and laugh which is what I cannot do unless there is authenticity. People most of the time do not want informative talk with details.... so either with or without mask on my side it is very uncomfortable... this is my problem...

[@foljs5858]

Autistic people wear a mask. NT play status games and behave differently based on who they talk to and their status endgame. It's not the same kind of thing, though it looks like masking

[@tracik1277]

💯

[@ramblepie]

I can relate to this so much. Friendships are so complex. I’m so terrified of any kind of conflict that I’ll just do whatever leads to the path of least resistance. But if this is all you do then it starts to affect the way you see yourself. You get confused about who you are and what you think. I would also mimic people to make others think I was funny, which leads to even more confusion. Thank you for articulating this subject so well.

[@tracik1277]

I was like that when I was young. Now I’m old I basically feel like I’m pretty much done with standard people.

[@heav2582]

Hey, I found this video through searching loneliness and autism. I’m 3 minutes in and I’ve already subscribed. I really appreciate what you’re doing here, so much. I can’t tell you how refreshing your channel is. It’s captivating, insightful and relatable. Thank you for sharing your thoughts💜

[@Hs5ab]

I did it all the time on the playground. Moving from group to group. It's referred to as butterfly- ing . We move from group to group. Now it's just me in the lunch room as and adult. Once I got diagnosed I finally figured it out. I still don't have a group of friends. Still I butterfly 🦋 with joy.

[@woutflorian]

I think making and sustaining friends these days is tough on everybody and there are also quite some unrealistic expectations surrounding friendships due to social media but having autism in my experience doesn't necessarily plays a part in the ability of building friendships on the contrary my older bother who like me is also on the spectrum somehow unlike me is able to befriend the whole world in his case his autistic traits actually help him gain admiration by others quite swiftly

[@radioactivel1609]

Nobody is gonna see this comment, so i just wanna say that i haven't gained a single friend in six years. Last time i had a friend i was around 12 and 13, now im 18 - painful years not to have a friend. And my standards are low when it comes to considering someone my friend, so i mean it when i say i have't had a friend in all this time. Of all the spectrums and symptoms/traits for autism there is, i am far worse in the social part than anything else. So while im terrible at gaining friends and being social, i barely have any sensory issues at all.

[@salishheights2320]

Just wanted to say, I see you, and you are worth seeing. You are in a season of life that's super rough, period. Keep on doing the next thing, growing as a person in the interests and gifts God has given you, exploring all kinds of things in this world. Take a couple of minutes right now to brainstorm a list of everything you can think of that piques your curiosity. I bet you will find a couple of ideas, long forgotten, that spark your passion and would bring a lot of satisfaction to take the next step on. Often we find people along the way, as we follow our interests. High school is tricky because you all *have* to be there; you aren't there because you are necessarily super passionate about pursuing the liberal arts, ;) so it's kind of a firehose of people with mixed interests. I wish you the best. From a 40 yr old former high schooler :) who your words remind me a lot of. ❤

[@dambigfoot6844]

You are entering the part of life where many of the strengths start to show. High school isn’t a representation of what life will be like from now on for you. In workplaces people will flock to you if you are a good worker. In school people prove themselves by socialization abilities but in any type of semi professional job you prove yourself to others by being good at what you do. Also what you do is entirely up to you which is amazing for people on the spectrum

[@k1w1222]

wow i kind of thought i was the only person experiencing this, it's such a painful thing to go through and hard to talk about because people assume if you have no friends, there's something wrong with you. my teenage years have been completely wasted and i'm about to be an adult, at this stage i've realised i have no other choice but to conform to being alone and stop dwelling on the loneliness (easier said than done!)

[@AmandaSbarros]

Yes!!

[@user4241]

I make acquaintances/non-close friends every year. Close friends? I just have one since I was 9 years old, and she is neurodivergent. It's so easy to make "friends" in high school (I'm in Junior year) yet so incredibly hard to make real friends if you aren't neurotypical. It's all cool and everything until summer vacations come; I just have one person to talk to, nobody talks to me, almost everybody dislikes me. I live in a constant fear of not having a job/future because of my lack of social skills.

[@stacia5767]

Wow your growing up experience was very similar to my own. Had a very similar experience you had. It sucked. I was always in the computer lab lol. Summer camps sucked.

[@YodelGoat]

I just found out I’m autistic last week. Your videos are helping me so much, thank you so much, Irene! We would have been friends on the playground for sure ❤

[@sirennoir258]

See this is why I make sure to keep in touch with the few people my kid vibes with. She is having an issue making friends at school. I couldn't figure out what it was. Finally, found out the reason. She thinks the kids are rude to her. When someone is mean, she doesn't want to ever talk to them again. It makes her uncomfortable. And you know what? She is right! People can be very rude and say nasty things. Sometimes, I think what she is feeling is actually appropriate to the situation. She feels lonely, but I tell her: it is better to have 1 nice friends then 10 iffy ones. So what I make sure to do is keep in contact with the friends she makes. If she vibes with someone, I make sure she has their number and they keep in touch. She ends up with one amazing best friend in every class. Also, I must say, I am so proud of how she is. My daughter is everything I could want in a child. She has her differences but she is so fascinating and interesting. I had a neurodivergent friend with autism and I am so happy my daughter is just like her. Her honesty, quirkiness and the way she views the world is refreshing. I want anyone with Autism to understand how wonderful you are.

[@yoni-in-BHAM]

Wow! Your childhood was so so much like mine. The going from group to group yet not being really part of them and a lot of the other things you've mentioned. I got so emotional listening to this! I didn't think that my past wouldn't affect me like this...

[@JazzMachine77]

I had a kind of special experience growing up. I didn't feel lonely at all, I had a few good friends that I always hanging out with and during my teenage years it was basically the same, I guess because of the activities that I used to do (playing drums and skateboarding) I always had people around me even though I didn't try to create those relationships. I have never had that struggle until the adult age where I moved to another country and stopped playing in bands and skateboard and that unmasked my difficulties in creating friendships. Before my diagnosis I always thought of myself as being a unlikable person and knowing about my autism made it a bit better, however it doesn't change the outcome that I'm a unlikable person because of who I am.

[@ashtoncommittedarsonbutina131]

This describes my experiences to a tee. I've only ever been able to sustain one friendship as a child. I used to hold onto that friendship as tight as I could so much, and when she wasn't there and now that were not friends anymore, I had/have no one. She's a year older, so especially in class it was like this, or when I tried to make friends with my classmates. When I got into groups, it felt forced and usually didn't last long. Now in high school I've stopped trying.

[@AnObscureWord]

At some point I figured out that many of the things I wanted from social interaction can be obtained via simpler means. Recognition and self-worth? It's probably even more effective when given by oneself. Exposure to different thoughts, perspectives, personalities, etc.? Can be satisfied by watching/listening to people on KZbin. Psychological support? Again, it's probably better to take responsibility for that myself, and the internet has a lot of information about how to implement techniques like CBT. And this avoids many of the downsides of social interaction: people either trying to influence me to be more like them or judging me for being different, unsolicited competition, spending mental energy worrying about what other people think or keeping up with the tedium of staying in touch/coordinating on plans/etc., having to do things I don't want to do to appease people, etc. I still have friends (and sometimes enjoy it), but knowing that I don't need them gives me some power to set boundaries.

[@LoudSunshine]

Loneliness is something that literally kills a lot of our people, theres 2 ways for us neurodivergents, we either turn into a shameless lover of our neurodivergency and embrace it at the top of our skills, problems and contradictions, as we all should've done by now in a idealistic world, but back to reality, we are hidden, trying mimicking neurotipicals, because we try to socialize and people, they don't tolerate us, most of us are bad at mimicking, neurotipicals know that, they just wait your only slip to start discriminating you, talking things behind your back, making fun of you, this reality forces us to become apathic to things while trying to be someone we aren't in fear of being utterly rejected because we all know the feeling of being utterly rejected and we dont want that to happen again, because we all know we WILL be rejected, no matter how "open minded" our friends are, they are not our friends, and we have to live this lie, we bottle up all those bad emotions, and some day those bottled up emotions will explode, and them we snap, during this snap some of us would have a big panic attack Infront of everyone that they can't hold up anymore, them we are forever ashamed of it and also forever tarnished as being the crazy one, some of us just emotionally die, burnout, and go cry in the darkness or alone where theres nobody seeing, most of us at some point say no more and unlive ourselves physically, because there is no way, that loneliness and cronic depression is weaponized against us by neurotipicals, we are social animals, when our supposed fellow rejected us, its over, after it happens, talking to someone gets heavy, it demands even more energy to socialize, because they segregate us, and we blame ourselves for being ourselves Thank you all neurotipicals, i hate it, i knwo you didn't mean to do that, but be aware that you made my life a living hell, because i live with something, that just isn't fair

[@MichelleHelgeson]

The first half of this video was extremely validating for me. I’m in my 30s and have only know about my ASD for a year. I have been burnout by my inability to find validation for my childhood experiences from others without getting frustrated and feeling more alone. So I just stopped learning more about myself and ignored it all for awhile and tried to “push through.” This is the second video about I’ve ever watched about autism (ever, really) and I am just flooded with emotion. Thank you for this and being open with your experiences. They are so similar to mine, and I feel like this is truly the first time I’m hearing my life being explained back to me.

[@coolchameleon21]

i’ve never ever felt truly seen or known by anyone in my life. i exist as an annoyance, a convenience, or a service to people. nothing more. i’m starting to feel like i don’t exist at all.

[@imjustsaying281]

I'm either ignored or get looked at in an odd way. I've tried to befriend others, but I feel as though no one wants to meet me halfway. I'm exhausted to where I like being by myself in my room while watching KZbin videos rather than going out and finding actual people to communicate with.

[@Clickwrap]

Ah yes, the dreaded “look.” So painful. Honestly it’s worse than getting ignored. I’m sorry :(

[@eraniklihsuk]

I think every autistic person must have had a similar life defining experience at least once in their lifetime.

[@shylathiel]

No one gets me, I'm just the person who makes everything and everyone feel awkward.

[@Kayisready]

I have previously been diagnosed with ADHD, but with my diagnosis I still felt like I could not fully relate to people who have ADHD. I mask everything, and no one knows I struggle because I look perfectly emotionless. I’ve been doing research for about 4 months or more on autism spectrum disorder and I haven’t related more to anything in my life. Almost everyday I struggle to find a way to express myself it’s frustrating because I can’t draw it, write it, anything and it makes me feel helpless, but these videos gives me so much joy because I finally do not feel alone. I want to start the diagnosis process, but I do struggle with imposter syndrome and I’m really scared of what to expect in the process as well. I also don’t think I could convince my parents to help me start the process as well.

[@lewis2231]

oh man 12:35 - 14:35 literally just made me cry, ive struggled with this exact thing so badly the past couple of years. i only had the doubt and didnt realise my way of thinking could be an autistic thing… thank you so much for your perspective, this has seriously changed my way of thinking and probably saved me future isolation from my friends :0

[@harpreetsingh-fc3yd]

I just found this video. and this describes my whole story through high school, and college and work.. throughout college, looking at a group of friends hanging out, i always felt like, why can't I have such friends, why can't I have such friendships, it always felt like I didn't belong. even when I joined corporate, we started as trainees, and the people around me in my training batch would form groups and interact with each other so easily, and there would be me, just sitting and listening to everyone speak, but not able to fit in or weigh in or present my opinions. I could always see people looking at me with such deranged look, making me feel like a weirdo. sometimes during break, I would go to third floor of cafeteria where no one would be there and eat there alone. All this time, I always just felt like, I'm just an introvert and shy.. All these traumas, of being left out, failed friendships and relationships also led to my BPD..

[@MrAndywills]

Moving from group to group and difficulties in interactions is so familiar

[@Ast3rBlast3r]

I usally end up unmasking way too much, I get too comfortable and overshare and trauma-dump. This is why I have trouble. It has even happened within a group of fellow autistic people.

[@danielwilliamson6180]

I'm autistic myself and although I have family and friends, I can't help but feel alone at times and there are times when I have felt very lonely and isolated.

[@AM-sw9di]

I never considered the people pleasing as a form of masking, and I can definitely see it now in my own behaviours. I'm just worried about masking less, because I already say things which are considered rude or insensitive but no way as much as if I unmasked... I don't know I could handle the stress of dealing with mistakes I'd make, it already messes me up when I make them now.

[@ball3677]

Whenever I meet a new person or a group of people. They're always friendly and interactive in the beginning. But once they fully see my personality they think im "weird" and become cold and distant. It's very upsetting and I wish I could change it. But it seems like im just destined to be the outcast everywhere I go for the remainder of my life

[@Ravenz91]

I feel this too. It hurts deeply

[@librarian1701-D]

wow this is so helpful, so insightful (i'm in my mid-fifties and recently diagnosed ASD) thank you

[@kimsherlock8969]

I was the opposite of the personality you had for communicating. I was silent, didn't know how to make friends, felt odd and was treated with bullying. I was 10 and didn't have a place to eat my lunch alone. I went to a spot out of bounds and was put under a flag pole outside the teacher's staff room. I meekly sat and as I pulled out my lunch I got a hot bomb of seagull shit on my head. I remember hearing an uproar of laughter from the staff room. Quiet humiliated 10 yrs old. I love focused boredom is torture.

[@eyjele]

I'm sorry, but the seagull bomb bit was hilarious 😂 I hope you're doing better now!

[@kimsherlock8969]

@@eyjele yeah well comedy is often truth.

[@tracik1277]

Bastards!

[@Bladerunner2023]

After hearing about the so called "norm" when I was young I decided that I didn't want to be "normal". It was expected behaviors that everyone was supposed to "fit into". Well I always knew I was different and having a supportive family I just ignored the comments. All I am trying to say is don't let anyone define you just because they lack the understanding that people need to evolve in my opinion. They need to get over assuming that we need to assimilate to their understanding and start opening their minds and learn to communicate with others they are unfamiliar with. They are not learning if they wish to force us to change and adapt to them and not letting us be who we are. I have spent years trying to be more like them and it's not worth it if they are not trying to be more understanding of us. I only seek friends who do attempt to be understanding.

[@10whatsmyname01]

My main problem seems to be that I'm looking for deep connections and people will pretend to be a certain way to keep a friendship with me but they can't meet my social needs long term and because of my autism I can't see they are being fake.

[@SevereWeatherCenter]

Thank you so much for making this video. I also have always struggled with being accepted for who I am, and when I began complaining and telling one of my Neurotypical friends about the perpetual rejection that I am constantly during, and I blamed it on ab, and how I come across because of my autism to an Neurotypical person, they completely shut me down and told me there’s nothing wrong with you. The only issue is that you constantly have self out and you put yourself down too much. That’s why no one wants to be with you blah blah blah blah blah blah. They invalidated every single one of my talking points, and when I prove them otherwise they got upset that I “was “not listening to them.” I reminded them that they are not autistic so they do not know what I’m going through and that they should not use their abysm and privilege on me. I’m currently 32 years old and I’ve yet to be in my first relationship. Every time someone finds out that I’m autistic or I act like myself I get rejected, and then autistic people reject me because they feel that I am asking too much and that I’m not embracing my autism. I’m rejected by Neurotypicals for being myself, and I’m rejected by other autistic people for either self doubt, or for masking my autism, which “offends them.” I honestly don’t think I’m gonna find the right person except me for me I’m gonna get rejected for being autistic or not being autistic enough

[@AGothWithGlasses]

Honestly, i love the bluntness and honesty from children, they're mostly direct in what they want/need and they don't tip toe around their requests or statements. Plus I love the chaos when we play together, they hardly ever let you know of their next move 😂

[@xbemos]

I find myself so much higher level thinking than any groups I tend to be a part of. I’m a homeschool mom of a large family and it’s so difficult to interact w my small town peers because they like the sugar coat world and not reality. I’m so tired of masking just to get some fake sense of friendship. 😢 Such a great video.

[@unnareg]

I felt my experiences were validated in this video. 😭 Thank you.

[@mishaireland2944]

Irene you articulate my experience of autism so well. Friendships feel like just work to me. It's been years since I have genuinely connected with another person. the judgement I have experienced from family, friends and ex partners for my autistic traits has made me not want to open myself to anyone anymore. I'm learning to not hate myself for not understanding why I wasn't like everyone else or try be less autistic or myself for other people

[@IceeaTeea]

some of these things I needed to hear right now, thank you - I recently got diagnosed in my mid-twenties and I've been struggling for a while feeling unable to unmask much in my friendships and, quite a lot like you're talking about, feeling burnt out, isolated, lonely, inauthentic, and unfulfilled as a result. I've also realized I'm less motivated in other areas in my life since I'm not getting my needs met socially and it can feel rough every time I'm with friends and I just can't let myself be myself enough in front of them. I only realized the past couple years that I've probably been masking for many years and for me I think my mask is very much tied to my fear of rejection, people misunderstanding me, and being afraid of conflict and not being able to know how to defend myself socially, and also tied to my people pleasing and feeling responsible for controlling how others perceive me so that they don't react negatively if I unmask :/ I even find it difficult to NOT constantly smile sometimes when talking to some of my friends as I'm afraid of making others uncomfortable by looking 'indifferent' or 'impolite' if I don't do it and if I relax too much so that I sometimes automatically speak less. I also definitely relate to 'observing' more often in friend groups - I guess I've been experiencing selective mutism? for many years such as in school and just having being perceived as a very quiet person up throughout high school, and as a result, for years I've had an obsession with expressing myself in other ways and trying to make others perceive me as I need them to 😬

[@ThatSpazamataz]

I love that you are talking about teaching your friends at the end. Most allistic people suck (most people in general suck). But there will definitely be people who if you tell them your needs they will accommodate for you. But I truly believe that allistic people just aren’t informed enough about how to be accomodating and as tiring and scary as having to explain that stuff is I do believe it can improve autistic people’s friendships and relationships.

[@user95395]

I disagree. While it is possible for allistic people to be nice, for the most part, being autistic puts you on the lower end of the social hierarchy. People will not want to be friends with you because just the association will cause them to not be able to achieve their power-based and material reproductive goals. Before I was diagnosed, in high school, I was placed with autistic children and knew I had to get away so that girls would like me. I was popular and popular people do not associate with those of lower status unless for a moment to "look good." Now that I am in my 40s, I am those children. All of my thoughts and ideas get in the way other peoples' enjoyment of good food, buying stuff, and maintaining attractiveness, despite that I am interested in those things too. Most people are worried about keeping up with the Jonses, and the Jonses do not make friends with anyone out of the ordinary. Sex doesn't happen when people feel icky, and money doesn't get made without ignoring how much you're taking advantage of other people. I just have better luck dealing with autistic people. They are less concerned with manipulating everyone else to serve their deep desire for supremacy and unlimited wealth and sex. If you're ever confused about why an NT does something, just ask "what does this have to do with their standing in the social hierarchy?" From that point, you'll realize being friends with an untouchable gets in the way for most NTs. Difficult to save face

[@ThatSpazamataz]

​@@user95395 I actually entirely agree with everything you've said and even have similar experiences to yours when it comes to being popular. In that I shamefully stopped associating with primary school friends (who I now realize were probably autistic) because I was informed that I was getting bullied by association and chose to not be friends with them to protect myself even while knowing that it would make their lives much harder and more isolated. All that said I just think the "most NTs" is the critical thing. Because at least some will not fall into the description you have laid out. I do think it may be easier for my generation and younger (I am in my late 20's) where pretty much everyone both believes they have a mental illness or are neurodivergent and has far less stigma towards mental illness and neurodiversity generally (aside from the truly dangerous or cluster B diagnoses). Of course that doesn't mean they are willing to get over the icky feeling you talked about when it comes to sex/relationships for example. But if its just being friends I think most NT people I know would have no problem with it and with making some accommodations (though in practice these may fall far short from what a neurodivergent person really needs from a friend). Ultimately my point in my post was mainly that I (an allistic person) am willing to accommodate for autistic peoples needs. But I didn't when I was a kid and was really honestly quite the bully, mostly out of a lack of knowledge about what it meant to be autistic. For example when I was a child if I "threw a tantrum" I would get pretty much the harshest punishments my parents could give me (occasionally including violence) because those "behaviours" were considered unnacceptable. Then in school if I saw a child "throwing a tantrum" I would make fun of that behaviour as childish etc because that is what I was taught. In my mind it was unnacceptable. At the same time I was taught that if a war veteran jumps and hides under a table because a door slammed too hard, that it was perfectly acceptable and not childish or ridiculous or other derogatory language because it's how their brains work and I should be respectful. Now though I have learned that for many autistic people doing what to me may look like a "tantrum" is actually an uncontrollable meltdown that should be treated similarly to the uncontrollable PTSD episode of a veteran. Not with derision but with compassion. And in fact that is how I treat such things now. The same for shutdowns, or a person with anxiety going through a panic attack, etc. But until I learned that meltdowns were even a thing making that connection frankly was impossible for me and instead I often acted as a bully making fun of such things. I am not unique, there are definitely other people out there who will advocate for autistic people and will help change things for the better if they were just able to understand. Obviously not all people. Not even most sadly. And of course it will be a lot of work and pain to have to try to identify those people and risk exposing a part of yourself that other mean spirited people who feel entirely guiltless in harming you in their efforts to climb the social ladder as you put it can use as ammunition. So obviously if that is too traumatic to go through don't bother. But my point is purely that it is not a fruitless option. There do exist neurotypical / allistic people who are allies or who if they understood better would be allies. And some of them would even make for friends or even partners as good as other autistic people.

[@jenniferatkinsreptileart]

Around 3rd to 4th grade I found I was definitely on the outside. My few good friends rejected me. For entertainment, I made origami, chased lizards, wrote reports about animals and their evolution, and walked the perimeter of the playground during recess. When I made friends, it was just one on one. Then my family moved and I found myself often the butt of jokes in my new school. I sat by myself and was grateful for any inclusion. I listened carefully to others, trying to develop a script and outfits that allow me to be accepted. Thankfully I found a best friend in my neighborhood, and in highschool I made friends with other outsiders. Now I still struggle with maintaining friendships and family relationships. But I do value them and care about them. I want their happiness and wish them all the best. I just have a hard time keeping up.

[@IaconDawnshire]

Having friends I'm fine with. It's not having a romantic partner that gets me

[@xorphz]

I managed to have a group of friends that I made in second grade all the way until I was 19. We all played video games together so that was how I was able to fit in with them. I could contribute by being good at video games even though I was awkward. The way I dealt with socializing was drinking, it lowered my inhibitions and allowed me to communicate, albeit in a very sloppy manner. Eventually this became an addiction and I ended up losing all of my friends. I'm now 33 and I have not made any friends ever since then. It's a very lonely experience. I hope others are able to find friends as adults because it's very difficult to live life with no support.

[@panth753]

I can relate to what you are talking about. Growing up, I had such a hard time making friends because I never knew how to engage with my peers. I still don't, but I am glad I am not alone in my feelings.

[@princessfrogdiaries9379]

I was very blessed with a very close group of friends in elementary / middle school that I am still friends with today.. almost all of them are ND so I think that helps make the friendships feel more natural.. sadly most of them have moved away, I have stayed close to my hometown due to reasons somewhat out of my control. Now I am a young mom and realize I have not made a new friend since freshman year of college (most of this group I fell out with though - that was my fault mostly) As an adult it is so extremely hard. I realize how socially awkward I am. Getting rejected as a friend hurts still even my late 20s. I’ve come to the brutal realization today someone I thought I was becoming friends with is distancing themselves from me - it really sucks. Lots of new neighbors moved onto the block, and in one year they have already formed a close social circle that feels impenetrable to break into now, it takes me a lot to warm up to people. At work, it really hurts when my new coworkers go to lunch without me, eventhough I started before all of them nd started the whole eating lunch together routine. They are like “oh you looked busy” or something. I just feel like everyone hates me all the time. I really don’t think I am being rude, I am not trying to be. Ugh. 😢

[@firstkeepitreel]

My younger friendship groups were almost entirely centred around a particular, strong interest. It was less so socialising and more constant imaginary, adventurous play on the playground which didn’t become any less frequent even as other kids started to become more “mature.” Back then it was minecraft, nowadays it’s other interests. Even now, my favourite way of being with my friends is when we’re playing a game (such as a board/card game). They have set rules which I can get behind, and the fun comes from making jokes and conversation based around what we’re playing. I 100% relate to the feeling of being an observer to everything. I always thought I was oblivious to drama, fallouts and relationships that happened- when the reason I think I never know about that stuff is because those topics literally *never* pop up in conversations I take part in. People who like gossiping (not saying that in a negative way, I think its normal to talk about happenings going on) naturally gravitate to others who like to gossip, so if I wanted to learn about stuff I’d have to go searching for it… which just felt so unnecessary and tiring to me. I always try and be a nice, friendly person to everyone around me. I cant hold grudges either, so even those who may have not been the nicest to me, I always try and understand their point of view in a logical way. I’d like to think that others think I’m a nice person… but that’s just it. I’m a nice person, but not someone most people would gravitate towards to make close friendships with. If I didnt have my interests which I could rant about and find people who could also get excited and share their interests… I don’t know if I’d even have any friends at all…

[@lilacstories]

im still not able to get a diagnosis but i relate so much to autistic struggles in general... having friends has always been so difficult to me. i feel like all my life has always been about focusing on one friend at a time... like, i have always had the capacity of being sociable with people from my surroundings, but as i grew, i noticed i was not really interested in keeping in touch with most of my friends. i always ended up focusing on one "best friend"... because yes, my other friends sometimes hit me up to hang out, and i like to do that but other than that i am not interested in messaging them (i dont like texting that much unless im very interested in the person) and i feel a little guilty about it, because i feel like they think im kind of faking that i care about them? i really like them, theyre really nice people, and even though they know i have always been that way, i think they think of me as an unconsiderate person. and its understandable for them to think of me that way because i dont think theres much people who act like i do... now that im 24 and ive thought of this many times, i notice how much of a loner i am, and i dont know how to feel? because i love being by myself a lot, and my only best friend is my s.o. but she is very far away from me. i have made new friends now that i moved to another city (the friends i talked about earlier are from my natal city so i cant see them often), but even though they are nice and i like having conversations and kind of hang out, i am somewhat uncomfortable with them. maybe its because they are nt, but i have no idea... and i repeat, even if i like being by myself, it is sometimes a little stressing to me, because i hate that feeling of not being completely comfy w having new relationships? its too complicated.

[@savageantelope3306]

I’m so happy you pointed out much easier it was to be outgoing and friendly as a kid with Autism

[@kamicoolll]

unfortunately i’ve come to realize most of the time throughout my life when i’ve made friends is through being a fake version of myself. for example, i would make myself a class clown to be liked when i didn’t really want to be that way. especially when i very young. i’ve unfortunately had little luck with actual friendships. plenty of very loose acquaintances though.

[@tracybartels7535]

I have a few (not close but kind) friends, but just moved jobs away from most of them, and when I'm not around those very few, I'm still wandering around, heading to the bathroom, hyper self-conscious, not knowing where to sit at the table and choose the wrong place and end up between 2 conversations I can't enter. It's so hard to after all these decades of failures, try again not to be afraid of messing up and to try again to connect to people when it takes so many years and so much effort to make even the shortest-lasting and weakest friendship connections. Trying to rest up to have the strength to try again.

[@misoginainternalizadaopres7131]

18. Never had a friend. ever. All my chilhood and teen years spent telling my feelings to my parents, being left out all school projects groups, while everyone else seems to have lots of friends. Never have I spent a friends day with anyone. Tomorrow is spring day and everyone in my class is speaking about how are they going to hang out with others and I'm so alone.

[@CharaDreemurrfan]

I could be your friend! Any cool fandoms you're in?

[@mathilda4621]

You always find such a good way of describing all these really complicated feelings :) it’s like you sort out my brain a bit or showing me how to explain my self to other people, so thanks a lot!

[@madhatter2646]

You just described my childhood in detail lol glad to know im not the only one