They’ll Regret Losing You When...

They’ll Regret Losing You When... How can you make them regret losing you? Stepping off the emotional roller coaster makes the magic happens.
Natalie writes, “Hello Susan, I would like to ask you; how do I stop the urge, the want, and the need to make him realize he lost me? I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions with a narcissist who keeps getting close to me then pulling away and choosing the same other girl. I know I should move on and never let him in again, but how do I stop caring that I never left an impact on him while he’s still on my mind?”
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[@debbie6533]

Omg..this was beyond excellent..i wish i would of heard this a couple of years. I was so stuck on this narcissit. I was finally able to extinguish my feelings for him when he moved cross country from Calif to New Jersey. I dont remember desiring another so deeply.❤❤❤❤

[@cm24624]

"If they don't realize who you are, they'll never realize that they lost you." 🤕

[@carthy29]

You will never be good enough for the wrong person

[@anastasiamaximus]

The best revenge is none

[@coach_amy]

I have experience with this too. It's a trauma bond, or I found the phrase "betrayal bond" to be more accurate. Dealing with a narcissist is like constantly chasing the dangling carrot. The carrot, I think, includes these needs (and more): truth and honesty; closeness with them; being seen by them; their wanting to know you; their wanting to be known by you; and your being able to make sense of them, the relationship and the dynamics. Those things are never attained with narcissists. Very likely, like I did, you're recreating your up-bringing where you could never get your needs met, no matter what methods you tried (such as "being good," overachieving, jumping through parent's superficial hoops, etc.). It takes reprogramming our brains to learn we do not have to chase any carrots. Either someone shows up in a meaningful way in our lives on an on-going basis, or we will just enjoy our own company and do the self-care work until they do. Also, for me, I had to believe to my core that what I want in a relationship is totally valid and important. I don't need anyone to agree with me (I was told my standards for connection, etc. are too high by many people--most, if not all, probably had dissociative attachment styles and none had relationships I admired). It really helps to listen to KZbinrs who validate what you want, like Susan. Also: We'd like to think we didn't waste all our time and energy on the wrong person. And it's embarrassing, frustrating, scary, humiliating to think we put so much energy into a con-artist and we let ourselves get duped. For sure there were red flags from the start; but we chose to see their potential instead. We chose to believe their love-bombing; and to think that is who they are. Additionally, it is a blow to the ego, because a lot of times these people seem to have major insecurities which we lovingly looked past; we just know that we have what it takes to inspire and help them be better. So their not changing, their not even wanting to change, their not valuing our investment in them, is mind boggling; how can someone waste what we have to offer? It's really hard to accept. Could any of these reasons be why you wish he would miss you? So at least you have something to show for all of the above? (Probably, yet again, recreating childhood experiences.) It's not comfortable to work through letting a narcissist go. But it's a wonderful chance to be forced to be your own best friend and to really appreciate what makes you, you--including your needs and preferences. Good luck on this journey.

[@dawnowens3896]

you have hit the nail, for me. This is all accurate. The thought of wasting all that precious time with a con artist. Sigh. Really who wants to believe that it can happen. It did and will again if the pattern is all the same.

[@irajessicalagua2460]

Spot on! Just experienced this and walked away 3 weeks ago. Not with a narcissist but a truly selfish person.

[@mimomango4617]

Thank you for this comment ❤❤

[@camillabartlett9128]

Bravo Shave to take the blindfold off Add up the pros and cons If the relationship or friendship is fought over petty things and plays hit and cold See this person for what they really are The blame game is another indicated You are never right So see them for what they really are and move on Thanks for the lessons learnt Obelise there are beautiful people out there With honest actions to align with their words Take care Nourish your heart And blessings all who are doing tough Know you are never alone ❤ 😊

[@lorianttila9698]

She did leave an impact that is why he keeps circling back. He is not worth it. He cannot break the cycle, he is triangulating.

[@SusanWinter]

👏 ❤❤❤ thank you for watching!

[@alainsanchez4817]

​@@SusanWinterde dónde eres mi princesa

[@mmc1086]

I still love the man who dumped me 4.5 years ago who ended our relationship by changing his number. He has tried to get back in touch repeatedly by various ways and means and I always block. He’s a mean spirited bully but he’s the one I adore. It’s disgusting, embarrassing and infuriating but I can’t change my feelings. If I could I would. Staying away from him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It’s a choice between having self respect and being with the man I love.

[@coach_amy]

"choice between having self respect and being with the man I love" - Wow. That is a brilliant way to explain it. You are so spot-on. It really is that exact dilemma. Also, it's like being in love with one-half of a person. These types of people are like two people in one body: Person 1: Everything we could want (the actual good things + a whole lot of potential / our wishful thinking = Person 1). Person 2: our worst enemy. It took me a long time to get myself to accept that choosing Person 1 means I am really choosing Person 2. One drop of poison (Person 2) in a pot of soup ruins the entire pot. The healing work: Heal the traumatized child inside of us (who didn't have a choice back then) which doesn't want to believe this fact.

[@lostieaddict]

I'm so sorry you were betrayed like that and perused by him still. i admire your honesty and i think your comment shows a lot of strength in you. your self respect is beautiful.

[@debralondon2402]

It’s not love it’s lust. For him it’s not love it’s control and ego and using you for his needs. Sad.

[@SusanWinter]

You’re making the right decision by staying away from a toxic situation. You’re in a much better place without that person and deserve so much more

[@risky1]

Some how.....some way, I hope you find someone that will take care of you and respect you and love you with all that you deserve.

[@elizabethmccaul2223]

It takes time to get over someone but it can be done, and you'll come to see that person wasn't worth it. Don't judge yourself

[@d33an14]

Your videos not only help boost self confidence, but also give people a broader, fuller outlook of such situations. Beautifully optimistic and to the point advice. Thank you! 🌸 Hope you have an amazing day!

[@SusanWinter]

What a compliment! Thank you so much for the wonderful words!

[@Herbs-4-life]

A narcissist cannot love. A narcissist uses and abuses. I am so sorry for what this woman has dealt with but he is not aware enough to truly know any of the women he is dealing with.

[@Shiloh75]

I owe most of my growth to your wisdom, Susan. Thank you. ❤

[@SusanWinter]

I’m so happy to hear that I’ve been able to help you!

[@adipocere7682]

I'm still kind of going through this and you're absolutely right...I just want to WIN.I don't even really like this man or miss him or want him back at all. I just want him to regret losing me because my self esteem was damaged by his rejection. It's incredibly immature but there it is. Fortunately I've 95% moved on, but I still think about him often with a mixture of sadness and cringe. Thanks for putting a name to what Ive been feeling Susan. Hopefully now that I've identified the nature of my weird grief, I can finally let go. You look fantastic as always

[@dawnowens3896]

I get it. I think you and I may have dated the same person. Wink.🤡

[@blissbased]

I was in this position for a long time and what really improved things was letting go of the idea that he deserves any kind of pedestal. He's just human (and a pretty lousy one, at least sometimes....) and not a god.

[@aznrudegrl]

Your advice is so solid every single time. Thank you so much, susan!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you!!

[@IbtihalMahmood]

I tend to believe it's the unpredictability that makes them desirable. There's a presumed reward - though relatively small in this case - but it might arrive at any moment, keeping the person on the receiving end in a perpetual state of anticipation. It's similar to the psychology of addiction to slot machines and gambling.

[@thepragmatist]

Agree.

[@luketaylor956]

I will be honest... when I ended a toxic relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I did in away wanted her to realise that she lost me. It was more to do with how badly I was hurting and knowing she felt guilty or bad about herself would've given me an ego boost. But also... I knew she wouldn't care and that was the truth. She didn't. That made the hurt become unbearable. As time passed and I began to heal one stitch at a time, I didn't want her to be unhappy because I realised my ego and pride were trying to protect me in away but to seek validation from someone who's toxic is like drinking hot coffee without burning your tounge. You can't have both. Thank you, Susan for this reasurence. 💯❤️

[@SusanWinter]

The coffee analogy is brilliant! I’m sorry you went through that. It’s such a difficult place to be in but I’m happy you had the strength to leave

[@dawnowens1951]

He will never regret losing you. He chose someone else. And he will play with her for a while then choose somebody else. What if he came back to you? Then what?

[@SusanWinter]

Great questions Dawn... that's the way out of the loop.

[@karakol86]

He will leave you the way he found you. He did the same thing to someone else

[@user-cy9in5ry9c]

I’ve been dealing with a narc; once I realized that he love bombed me, put on a shelf, and then tried to Hoover me back, I went gray rock and put up my boundaries. Regardless of my emotions, I knew at that point that it was a dead end situation that would ruin my life so I came to the radical acceptance of the situation and started my healing journey

[@risky1]

Every so often I want her back....but then I think about if she did come back with all her Demands and her Children looking down their nose at me and the way she would make me feel if she was in Control again and all the money I spent on her and her endless vacations and expensive trips and having $85.00 breakfasts ....and being her slave to take her Truck to have it washed.... and the list goes on. Then i can honestly say.....Good Riddance and piss off. Thank you again Susan.... you have been a Wonderful ally and confidant.

[@ignazs.5816]

I had to let him go because I had to do the same for him... And no sexual intimacy at that. When I think how I was a slave to his demands, I also think good riddance. I've been in no contact for 3.5 months. The longest time of my life. But I know it wouldn't had worked out. I was also seeing my savings dwindle because I payed for everything.... Its the hardest break up of my life but it had to be done.

[@risky1]

@@ignazs.5816I have to admit ... this relationship with her changed me for the better and for the worse. For the better, I started weeding out the people in my life that caused me grief. One was actually a family member. Gone.....forgiven ...and hopefully forgotten. For the worse: I will never trust another (my apologies in advance) Woman as long as I live. They will have to work for the small amount of trust that I do give them, but it won't be much. And I will be waiting and watching all the time for the hidden agenda. This is all a tough pill to swallow, but I am an empath and that is not a good thing in this day and age. I love to give and love to help, but so many times i am taken advantage of. A close Male Friend....told me one time, "You have a kind heart".......I said Thank you. He said: "I didn't mean that as a compliment"

[@titanniki412]

TRAUMA BOND! Hi & Lows. I hang onto the future she promised me. She was not who I thought she was. She was a reflection of me. I had all those traits. Journaling, Therapy research I've learned 2 give that ❤ I gave her 2 myself. It's tuff at times getting much better. Hang in there.

[@jillwiegand4257]

Well said! I don't need anyone to make me feel good about myself. I was in this woman's position and no more. ❤

[@gglin5595]

Susan, are you OK? I am your fan since, but you look so skinny , I hope your health is well 💗 💖 love from California

[@SusanWinter]

All good. Thank you for your concern. My weight fluctuates up and down by 10+ pounds. You'll see photos of me a year ago with the super round face and then you'll see me lean in other years and time periods. I think that's why women have so many clothes in their closet...many of my female friends have a variety of sizes 😊

[@bobbruce4135]

My first love lasted 7 years and was heart broken when she suddenly left with no explanation or closure (in what I thought was a wonderful relationship). I then was in a relationship with a narcissist (yikes). I've since learned I'm only a "utility" (not super handsome) and follow Richard Cooper's advice "she's not yours, it's just your turn". Only-Chads are loved.

[@morpheus3190]

So true! 👍

[@lillianmamaro8581]

Indeed if you know the person is a narcissist there is no need to think it's painful but just walk away. You cannot explain your feelings to a person who knows you didn't do anything wrong he is just punishing you so that you agree on things you don't want. Choose to love yourself and don't approve when someone is breaking your boundaries and keeps on disrespecting you, by going back then you award a certificate of cheating freely and downgrading yourself.

[@wendimacaulay7993]

Once again, you've hit the nail right on the head. Thanks so much for all your videos and advice, Susan. You have truly put a lot into perspective for me over the past couple years.

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you

[@apureenergyme8573]

Neither a narcissist or a codependent person knows what true love is. Both are broken and seeing the “ need of that person to fill up a hole in me” from a broken lance of what love is. Also she does shows that ego that she think if he picked her that means she is the winner and got validated for her worth. NO. You can’t get love from a toxic person who actually cannot love at all.

[@tangobear3536]

Susan, I like your stuff, great advice videos. But I gotta pause on this one because there's too much missing information, and also includes labeling. The woman admits zero accountability in this situation--she knew the guy had two (or more) women, but she stayed in it? And calling him a "narcissist"? Based on what? That's become the go-to accusation in our world. There are plenty of men available in the world today---she could have just told him, "Call me when you're single," and then dated one of the many available men. And labeling him is childish----how do we know if he's a narcissist or not? Maybe she's the problem in this triangle.

[@blissbased]

A narcissist is someone who has exploitative relationships, if you're with 2 women that sounds narcissistic indeed and labels shorten communication. They usually don't go to therapy, so most of them don't have an official diagnosis either. If someone behaves like a chauvinist it's also okay to call them a chauvinist.

[@susanmcmahon4733]

TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, was in same situation, my ex narcissist husband used this (triangulation) but didn't work for him, minute he told me about his TOP NOTCH new supply (that's what he actually said 😅) I just asked him to pass on my CONDOLENCES to her, then steam came out through him, DON'T DON'T play into these games, you DESERVE SOOO MUCH BETTER, he is NOT NOT A REAL MAN, a man that TRULY LOVES YOU WOULDN'T BEHAVE LIKE THAT, PLEASE PLEASE have MORE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF AND DON'T engage with him, he is NOT NOT WORTH IT.

[@Osceolayazzie-q5w]

Is looking for a guy I dated in past from Seminole and Cherokee Native American nation a good idea . I really want to reconnect with him I am still in too him he has a strong spirit.

[@gerdunnibye8553]

You are a very wise woman, Susan. Thank you.

[@peternall6566]

Run.

[@elizabethmccaul2223]

Forget it if he's a narcissist

[@SusanWinter]

Work with Me: susanwinter.net/consultation/

[@31Alden]

Sage advice. Again.

[@SusanWinter]

❤❤❤

[@Matilda130_]

I was the red flag in that relationship and he was all good. Now I'm dying from regret because he broke up with me for that. Please make a separate video on that please

[@coach_amy]

Yes. That's a good idea for a video. I relate! 32 years later, I still regret being the red flag. I have yet to meet another person who loved me like that. It took 15 years to heal the pain of regret. (I really can't see it any other way than self-sabotage. Perhaps, subconsciously, it was my being afraid of making the wrong choice in a partner, so then I just made sure I had no choice to make--scared of making choices was due to my upbringing. I needed to do tons of healing work and emotional regulation, etc.) Hindsight, I don't know, realistically, if it would have been the right match as I have changed so much over the years. But I use how he treated me back then as an example of what is possible. But even more importantly, I have learned over the years to be the kind of person who my ideal partner would be a match for; I make choices which I would feel okay with my ideal partner knowing about. I live in a way I would feel good about sharing with my ideal partner--whether I am completely by myself or with other people around. I'm interested to know if any of this resonates with you.

[@Matilda130_]

@@coach_amy did you behave bad or something? My family pressure was so much that I used to behave bad with my partner. he silently handled me but when he couldn't bear it anymore he left. I'm so tired rn I can't believe I lost him! He doesn't even want me back anymore because I couldn't give him anything

[@coach_amy]

​@@Matilda130_ Yes, I did. I understand the heavy feeling of regret. Was your family pressure about your relationship? Did you behave badly because you couldn't handle their pressure, or did you behave badly to sabotage the relationship?

[@Matilda130_]

@@coach_amy I basically self sabotaged everytime! No my family pressure wasn't about the relationship. Whenever something happens to me I used to behave bad with him only. And NGL I became very toxic and possessive too. I regret that very much. I'm feeling like I'm not gonna find anyone like that anymore who can understand me,who would do everything for me. I'm really in pain it's only been 3 months so you know I'm going through a lot now. I really need help. But can't do it offline.

[@julesD0222]

@@coach_amyLook into dismissive avoidant attachment style. You may have this attachment style and it could bring clarity as to why you self sabotage. Dismissive avoidants often talk about an ‘ideal partner’. There is no such thing, but they use this idea of the ‘ideal partner’ to keep people at an emotional distance, because nobody will measure up to the ‘ideal’.

[@sharlotececilia]

You remind me of miley cyrus, a mix of her and her mom😍😭

[@Lifeisworthless500]

Question for everyone here including susan..... how do you not feel envious of people who just have it all perfect? Like I know a guy who met his girl at 19, is now rich and famous and travels the world with her they got married too.... it's like problems don't exist for them.... and me meeting the wrong kind of women all the time.... how do you not just get envious that you're just unlucky?

[@elizabethmccaul2223]

No one has it all. Believe me

[@Lifeisworthless500]

@@elizabethmccaul2223 looks like they do.... they look so happy and travel the world together.... you got any proof to prove your point?

[@elizabethmccaul2223]

@@Lifeisworthless500 I don't need to prove it. Just look around. Life is not a Hallmark movie.

[@SusanWinter]

You never really know a person's challenges. Things could look great on the outside, and they could be battling a physical ailment. They could be fighting with their family, with an addiction,... The thing about comparison that creates jealousy is that we take the very best of what we see and compare ourselves to that. True comparison would mean the entire person all the time. That would include their trials, they're downtimes, their illnesses, etc..

[@LuisArias-ui5dw]

Lookin lovely as always Susan ur advice is always gold 🌹🌹🌹

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you, Luis! You’re so sweet!

[@elisandro1197]

It’s alright I’ve already accepted that this is how life is, and I guess that’s what I get. no problem.

[@k.w.1459]

Why does she want a narcissist?!

[@marshagibbons7090]

very good

[@tsunshinegal9102]

Why on earth 🌍 would you want to be with a narcissist 😢??? I run off from such a narcissist!

[@mmc1086]

Running is the best course of action but they don’t present like a devil at first so it’s essential not to victim blame. They show up like an angel at first. They make sure you fall in love with them then they crush you and make you desperately clamour to get the euphoria back that they previously gave. It’s a calculated mind game that preys on the emotionally vulnerable. Once you realise they are in fact the devil you can take power back and leave. But they don’t show people their true colours until that person is hooked. Their manipulation wouldn’t work if they did.

[@dawnowens3896]

Most of the time, you are led in by stupid cupid. Drawn in by what feels like chemistry. Most people haven't any idea that they are dealing with a Narcissist until they are tangled in the web.

[@SusanWinter]

There is an addictive element that comes with the small wins that some people feel when the narcissist gives the other person what they’ve been asking for but the narcissist will always return to their normal ways.

[@tsunshinegal9102]

@@mmc1086: sorry I am not victim blaming here. I speak from experience. The silent treatment / gas lighting is horrendous. I prayed God and was given a dream. I obeyed the dream. Walked away & never look back. Later I was given a prophetic word : I the Lord have delivered you from a “stronghold” or it would have totally destroyed your life. Narcissists tend to have “demons” in them due to wounds gotten from childhood which they did not dealt with. It is like a shelf of a human being : inside devoid of any compassion or empathy. I am just saying : I walked Away. Better to be happy as a single ( at moment ), than be in relationship with a narc. For me : such people are “toxic vampires 🧛‍♂️ “.

[@terriwhalen3618]

Amen

[@loredanamunteanu5834]

Great advice 👍

[@David1000BC]

Thanks, Susan. Your videos have had a big impact on my life and helped me break free from a narcissist where i was so trapped.. I continue to learn from you ..

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you David

[@sushisam3010]

Miss Susan, you are awesome!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you dear! ❤

[@mjeldn74]

Narcissist ex contacted me a week ago on their sisters phone. I blocked their number and I’m in a loving relationship. I told ex I don’t have any desire to catch up wishes them well and blocked. We broke up 2 years ago. Definitely ego.

[@elisandro1197]

I understand, however honestly, people have have no shit about me. No girls have ever apologized, not that matters anyways, just honestly been so bad I’m so sick of it

[@dawnowens1951]

Wow

[@1DoorClosesSoAnother1CanOpen]

I love your look!!!! 🌻✨️

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you!!! 🤗

[@antonioofilhoo]

I am Natalie!

[@SusanWinter]

OH TERRIFIC! Thank you for sending me this video request. I'm sorry that sometimes they are months delayed before they get posted. I hope this is helped you

[@SimbaAliaye]

I had a gingerbread man too once!

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@TheShospitali]

I learned the hard way that your egos were meant to be destroyed.

[@sallybella8824]

So good, Susan!

[@debralondon2402]

WOW. So true.

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you for watching!

[@lyndamcmullen5506]

❤❤❤

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@johnmoreno5965]

🥰😍😘❤️🌹 my lady, your looking stunning as usual. I just love listening to you do your thing and watching you in action makes my day. Keep up the good work.. love John 💕

[@johnmoreno5965]

Omg that was a great video. It takes more then looks but if you got em and you fill the cup with just beautiful advice meaning your beautiful inside and not just out is just totally wonderful and more desirable my lady 😘 I love that about you 🌹

[@SusanWinter]

John, you always know how to make me blush! Thank you for the love as always!