This ADHD habit is sucking the joy out of your life.

When it comes to ADHD, the real thief of our joy is expectations (and comparison as well, but to a lesser extent). So in this video, I'm going to walk you through how to manage your expectations for a more positive mindset, and a happier life.
We'll go over the difference between expectations, goals, desires, and beliefs, and how expectations can lead to disappointment and suffering. By examining and managing our expectations, we can free ourselves from the burden of societal and self-imposed expectations and lead a happier life. Join us as we guide you through the steps to managing your expectations and finding a more positive mindset.
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00:00 Introduction
01:01 expectations are the thief of joy
02:24 what are expectations?
03:45 ADHD, expectations and the fear of failure
04:31 When expectations are good
05:34 When expectations are bad
07:53 How to manage expectations with ADHD

[@rainbowsnsunshineverywhereigo]

The clear, concise, jumping straight into it aspect of your videos are AMAZING! And I love the highlighted terms/subtitles when you make an extra emphasis. Thank you for this Caren!

[@aparna5532]

I'd also like to add how the fear of failure often builds up soo much RESENTMENT towards yourself and others around you. I've been stressed out the past few weeks trying to pull through all-nighters just to complete my Master's thesis and catch myself thinking "My classmates finished their thesis months ago and I bet they didn't even struggle as much as I did. I got the same amount of time as they did but nobody understands the fact that it takes double the time, energy and effort for someone like me with ADHD to do what they did. I put in more effort than them but I'd still FAIL despite all of that time, energy and effort. It's soooo unfair!" It's hard to fight that thought and I struggle with it often these days.

[@geemail369]

burnt out 3yrs ago, i've trained myself to put a spotlight on and examine _any_ "should", trying to enter my realm. Saves me a lot of unnecessary hassle! 🌱🙏🏻

[@9xqspx6]

"Ambiguity is the cryptonite of all ADHDers." That stuck with me from this video.

[@alltheluna]

This video hit hard, I was fortunate enough to scrap my way through private schools that told me I wasn’t “meeting my potential” that I was “smart but not applying myself”. I finally got diagnosed halfway through college and I significantly improved but I had chosen my degree based off of expectations from others and regretted it. Now that I’m in nursing school, I’m really thriving. I’m getting fabulous grades just because the external pressure to be ultra-successful is gone. All my instructors just expect me to do is reach out for help if I need it, and I’ve lowered my own bar to accept passing is passing. Many people in medical are expected to know everything but most of us pick specific specialties to become experts in instead. It really takes off the pressure to be perfect at EVERYTHING. I still have other areas in my life I’m struggling with expectation, but I’m trying to learn from my school experience.

[@a.l.dowdall1097]

You really knocked it out of the park with this one. 👍 The stuff about "should" reminds me of something I was told at a writer's group years ago. Basically, it was "Don't tell yourself you should write; tell yourself you *get to* write." After watching this video, it occurs to me that if the switch to "get to" lights you up, that's a good way to tell if your on the right path.

[@CarenMagill]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@elaynegriffith]

I’m finally (at 40) going after the creative dreams & goals I’ve had my whole life, which makes me happy, but still full of expectation, fear, doubt, and anxiety 😂 Even though I love what I’m doing, and it’s my most authentic self & skill set, I still constantly feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m failing, and frustrated.

[@wendyhannan2454]

I get that, I feel the same.

[@elisenieuwe4649]

Spot on! That is it exactly. Most of my negative thoughts and shame comes from that. Probably about 90%. I expect a lot of myself and overestimate what others expect from me. It's partly because I know I could do these things if I feel and function better. The other part comes from not know what is enough and what is expected. I honestly have no idea most of the time. It's like I'm driving blind through life.

[@Zambsss]

Expectation is the thief of joy >>> vs. Comparison. I agree 😮‍💨

[@raviolik1273]

Your insight and tips are incredible, I'm 24 and your channel is helping me so much. I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism at 20, which isn't super late but it ruined my life up until the diagnosis, it's still super tough but I'm way less hard on myself so I'm really happy !

[@Freak80MC]

As someone with identity issues, I put a lot of expectations on myself for how i *should* be as a person, but then feel awful when i don't meet those expectations. Funnily enough, I used to feel more certain about who i was, and maybe that really is because back then i didn't put these astronomically high expectations on me. This video is definitely something to think about... I obviously wanna be a certain way, but all this weight of expectations i put on myself (and partly society's expectations too) just leaves me feeling like a failure and doesn't push me forward at all, i think the weight holds me back tbh

[@9mind236]

Omg I am trying so hard to help myself, but I have to keep rewinding your videos every few minutes over and over again, because I keep drifting off in thought and can’t pay attention to the gems you’re giving me🤦🏾‍♀️ THIS is why I need help. Thank you so much for letting this be your passion💚

[@Imurpant0mime]

35 seconds in and I am fighting tears. I have never felt as understood as I do listening to you. I’m undiagnosed and don’t have insurance currently, low income single mom of five and my first thoughts were overwhelm and burnout but I think failure is much more accurate. Thank you so much for your content! I am finding it so very helpful! ❤️

[@FromG2eminor]

Life, to me, is like an all-you-can-eat. Everything looks fun or good. I plop everything on the plate and then get overwhelmed. I have really had to say no to myself and others. So hard. Im a piano teacher and never bored. Routine without monotony.

[@margaretgraham4470]

The feeling of always being disappointed with myself are becoming more clear. Thank you

[@dicedrice7216]

Thank you so much for clarifying this issue!!! And then there is that extra spike of guilt alongside expectations that some of my family members use with the phrase 'need to.' 'You need to get a better job.' Or even better, combining it with vagueness. 'You need to get your life together.' That statement pretty much guarantees that whatever you do won't be good enough. And then you start saying it to yourself. Again, thank you so much for sorting this out for us!

[@jillnelsonmalmt6085]

Seriously just saved me weeks of therapy. Thank you for putting these thoughts and emotions into words and sharing them. Going back to watch it again to take notes. Thank you for your wisdom and guidance.

[@flipsley]

Oh my word! It was like you just gave me permission. Permission to what? Permission to live, permission to do, etc. Expectations can be so life sacking and I hadn't spend 10 seconds even thinking about it before now. Boom! ❤

[@va3ngc]

I was fortunate to have parents that didn't believe in comparing oneself to others, so I didn't have that pressure that some kids did growing up. Fortunately I more or less knew what I wanted to do (I was drawn in by the end of the space race to go into science or engineering) long before I had to make any choices. Those were my interests and I did well in those subjects in school. Other subjects were not so fun. I just did what I liked and fortunately that worked out. My parents didn't force other expectations on me, and believed in that you should do what you love. My son, on the other hand, also has ADHD, but his interests are not easily translated into jobs that let him at least appear to be successful. He has a hard time with expectations (real or imagined) sucking the fun out of his life. Even though I have ADHD, my experience was different, and I have a hard time helping.

[@chantiemaya]

Ohhh am I first? :P What you’re explaining here perfectly matches the therapy session I had today, so I was smiling and nodding through this. I am 43 and found out I have ADHD (combined) a few months ago. I am struggling a lot with finding out who I actually am, after spending all my life wasting energy on trying (and often failing) to meet expectations (anyone’s). The thing is, with some trauma that I have, I really also don’t have any idea what my needs and wants are, or what I’m feeling. I’m learning that now in (schema) therapy while at the same time seeing a psychiatrist for the ADHD. Thanks for this great explanation. I’ll have to do some work to find out where the ‘should’ comes from, why it’s there!

[@geemail369]

😑 _°nodding intensifies°*

[@quatrevingthaha]

Love this topic ! I think that some journal prompts about how to identify and examine expectations would be super useful for your audience!

[@sourgreendolly7685]

Agreed!

[@CarenMagill]

Great idea!

[@deborahdaviesdd-artist1059]

You are seriously going to change my life and I can’t thank you enough. 🥰

[@ConnieHowardwraps]

I love your KZbins so much!! You are clear and concise and perfectly deliver your messages. So happy I came across your channel. Your points are so helpful. Thank you!

[@CarenMagill]

thank you!

[@teresastorms3774]

Wow, this message hits the center of the target!! I am working out how exactly I want my business to look, what services I would like to provide, etc. I will be writing a list of expectations from as many angles as I can think of so I can be super clear and effective. Expectations I have had in many situations caused huge disappointment. This shifts my entire perspective on life. Thank you for your awesome content!

[@eirini9419]

It hit me at 11:53 that you're wearing a Pink Floyd T-Shirrt from the Pulse Tour! 😂I love Great Gig in the Sky! 😯

[@sheamincey]

One of the things that I feel isn’t discussed enough is the fear of being judged. As an ADHDer I find myself constantly worried of how my neurotypical friends and family will view what I say or do. This stems from constant “harmless” jokes and comments. I feel like managing our own expectations is important but we also need to help our well meaning neurotypical family/friends manage their expectations of us.

[@Paul020]

Expectations, of parents, of spouse, and the worst, the expectations I have of myself. The recipe for depression, among other miseries.

[@opearlh606]

I am so happy to have found your videos! 😊

[@loripalmer7025]

I really needed to see this today. Thanks!

[@Stickyunstuck]

I was once told to remove the word should from my vocabulary. Now I notice just how often my mum uses it. Her expectations do steal her joy.

[@lonidenham849]

You just came across my suggestions this morning and I'm hooked! So many "shoulds", soooo many...

[@jamaljoudeh6625]

This was really helpful, I think you really found your life message. that's why you're enjoying it 🎉❤

[@alexissmith2450]

Yessss!! Great advice thank you❤

[@user-ws2me9xm8t]

I like the type of thoughts flow that you explain

[@VanillaBabyGirl81]

My son's story is exactly the same as you shared. We got diagnisyses this summer and now I am trying to figure out how to teach him to live with that. Your experience is very important to me because to teach my son, I need to figure out it myself on human, not DSM diagnistic criteria level. Would love to hear more on dyslexia and ADHD topics.

[@CarenMagill]

I can't really speak to dyslexia, but I love that you're learning about this for your son's benefit. Encourage him to follow his strengths and interests. He can and will do well with the right support! You're an awesome mom.

[@joshua8483]

Thinking about how things should be only distances you from reality. Expectations are things you feel entitled to, even if you don’t realise it. The biggest one I’ve dealt with during schooling is telling myself I should be able to get this one little thing done when I have the whole weekend. Then when it’s not done I feel bad. There are no positives to feeling entitled to any sort of outcome or action, either it happens are you feel fine, or it doesn’t and you feel bad. When you have expectations your mind words to justify why they should be met, and not seek to explain why they weren’t.

[@YessyFam]

This resonates 💯

[@antoinettehowes6964]

Yes it was ❤ Very helpful. Thanks so much Caren

[@juleswinnfield6930]

Great channel and helpful advice for so many.

[@kathysmith1843]

Spot on

[@melaniedunn2791]

So, I came across your channel a day or two ago, and it’s, uhhmm, me. Everything. All of it. I am setting up a playlist just to get me from Point A to Point B driving in a minute, but since this one of your newer videos, may I just go ahead and ask what people are taking for ADHD? Lol. And this could even be the video where you talk about the natural stuff. I just can’t even remember. More later. 💕

[@mohibquadri4053]

Caren could you elaborate on how to force myself into doing boring hard work like studying & reading also how to be consistent with that ? Another question is how to tackle inaction habit which is caused due to fear of failure..

[@JAEGE777]

🙌 subscribed

[@bonniepinney2884]

Without comparing myself to others i might not know what i was missing... but that would just be ignorance. They would still be there living my dream life whether i was aware of them or not, they would still have what i deep down wish i had. Without interacting or being aware of these people I might be happier, but it would only be because i was ignorant. Basically I've learned to just lower the bar, never be disappointed, make do. I don't have any need for positivity, but I'm the end i still know what i can't have. I still know what i will never be that someone else is.

[@sukiatwal3762]

Haha leaving before the actual thing starts lol

[@joninature]

♡

[@tomfilipiak690]

It is impossible to live life and not change yourself to satisfy others...At least without blowing up your life and making it stressful and getting bilked out of money or not having food to eat, etc. Ed Hallowell says that the two most important decisions we make in life are our spouse/partner and our career/job. Unfortunately, we make these decisions early on and almost without exception to please what we think we should do and to earn a paycheck (gotta eat, have clothes and a place to live, etc.). Hallowell is right. You have to hope you get lucky and make those decisions well. Otherwise? Nothing but suffering. I wish I had a time machine for all of the obvious reasons. Not having expectations and having to meet them simply is not possible in life UNLESS you are rich enough to pay your bills without working, etc.

[@CarenMagill]

I understand where you're coming from, and it's clear that you've had some big disapointments in your past, but I disagree that you can't live a life true to yourself without blowing up your life. It doesn't have to be so black and white. My first marriage wasn't successful, but my current marriage is. My initial jobs weren't the best fit for me, but this one is. Life isn't so black or white. Every day you have the choice to move toward what you want. Make that your goal.

[@karenconstantine334]

Great listening to you… however, no one addresses folks who feel the same but are in their 70s etc????

[@CarenMagill]

I plan to do this too. I think it's important to see what ADHD looks like across the life-span.

[@wendyhannan2454]

Thanks Caren, and Karen there’s a few of us oldies being diagnosed late in life. It’s been a struggle, however we’re not too old to learn how to improve our lives. I love these videos they help so much.

[@arnobredenhann7147]

My mind feels so busy sometimes lol ADHD is fun sometimes

[@kaylaz.680]

This is me

[@MrEpsilonZero]

I put all my energy in One Direction, I am the biggest fan...

[@fredrikekuepper3680]

Love it! On spot 😊

[@CarenMagill]

Thank you!! 😊

[@ilyakudryavka]

where did you get your necklace its so pretty :(

[@CarenMagill]

amazon!

[@ilyakudryavka]

THANK YOU AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!

[@cariarer]

Hmm… what if I have expectations of myself, that I clearly know, that I could fulfill, because of my abilities, but constantly fail to meet them? Mainly, because of procrastination? I personally feel like a failure, not because I miss someone’s else’s expectations, but my own. How would you deal with this?

[@CarenMagill]

check your expectations then. Why do you expect yourself to do things you don't want to do. Just because you can, doesn't mean you have to, right? What do you WANT to do?

[@Dancestar1981]

What is sucking the joy out of my life is having my essential community participation and consumerable funding from the NDIS stolen from me using Covid as an excuse and no matter how hard I’ve fought over the last three years not getting it all refunded plus having people who are supposed to help me road block the only activities that bring me joy

[@lonidenham849]

You just came across my suggestions this morning and I'm hooked! So many "shoulds", soooo many...