To Feel or Not To Feel? Dating in The Era of Detachment

[@hellostephco84]

Are you the type of dater to have a "roster"? How does it work out for you? Is it easy? Even though it's not my "talent" lol, I'd love to know!

[@cutecurlypuffs112]

Girl it's far from easy lol (maybe it is for some but I don't think so lol)

[@idi.h5460]

Nah I’m lazy tbh

[@aries8597]

No. I used to but learned that I don’t care to entertain several people at once. I’m an introvert and that was too much energy for me. I like and prefer one-on-one.

[@mags00154]

Also known as rotational dating lol. I’ve been taking a break from dating for almost a year. I’m not sure what I will try when I get back out there. The one-on-one didn’t work for me before because I was one-on-one and he wasn’t 🙃🙃 Will work on communication next time!

[@ForMySoulSistas]

I totally agree with what Steph: our generation “borrows and throws away” instead of “buying and fixing whenever it’s needed”.With dating apps we mistakenly have the impression that someone else is available and/or more compatible so we don’t work on what we have. I’m doing a break from dating apps: it’s emotionally draining to take to swipe, make conversations and sometimes never meet..When I am on dating apps, I say very bluntly what I want (in my description, not even in conversation) but still come across weird guys. In regards to exclusivity, I don’t give it unless the guy asks me or is serious. Hard game out there…

[@TheFemmeCocoa]

I think a better way to view dating with detachment is not detaching from your feelings but from the outcome. You’re able to do that when you know that you’re a catch, that you’ll be a great partner to one person. Also, being detached from the outcome it’s easier to cut ties if red flags arise as you have a knowing that you are a catch. I don’t think it’s healthy to pour into a partner until you’re in a committed relationship where there terms and boundaries have been discussed and agreed on.

[@thehealingfairee]

This!!

[@rharvey1227]

Well said

[@laclairelcyy007]

This !!!!!

[@crazy4beatles]

Love your perspective.

[@Ray-pp5qb]

exactly! detachment in the meditation sense. I dont need to date 5011 million people to be detached from the outcome of the dating journey. And, i say that as non monogamous person.

[@heygirlhey9363]

I personally have a unique dating experience . I didn’t date for the majority of twenties I was abstinent from 20- 28 , my focus was healing from childhood trauma and abuse and my relationship with God. I began dating again at 28 and at first my dating objective was to see what was out there , meet people and have fun especially since I had NEVER done the dating app thing . By the age of thirty I started dating with intention .I told men from the beginning that I was dating for marriage and I didn’t entertain anyone who wanted to date “ casually” and if I saw red flags 🚩 it was an immediate no ( people please don’t ignore them and trust your intuition). I roster dated until i found my person, he made it known that he was pursuing me exclusively and I wanted him too (so immediately and honestly dropped my roster) 🥰 he even did a “girlfriend proposal” after exclusively dating for a month and we got engaged after six months of dating and we got married after dating for 18 months ❤️. Be real with what you want whatever that may be and pay attention to the actions of a person not the words

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Great story. It seems as if that time you spent getting yourself together really paid dividends.

[@heygirlhey9363]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 it really did ! Think that made huge difference and to be frank I would have easily fallen prey to love bombing and other foolishness due to my family trauma and so by the time I started dating I knew my worth and wouldn’t allow anyone to give me less than I deserved and if they weren’t able I didn’t take it personally ❤️🙏🏾

[@rizzybone964]

Wow, this is a beautiful example of healing first and than dating with intention💜 i love it!

[@alexciss]

Congratulations on your marriage! Great story :)

[@anitasimpson2883]

This is dating at its best. Dating and intention is two different things. Dating for marriage. And not ignoring the red flags. Great advice.

[@MusedMedia]

My dad always told us, you’re single til you’re married. And I think that many women don’t have men in their lives that are honest about how men see things while dating.

[@beewest5704]

THIS!!!

[@NinaBee1]

I honestly don’t have the energy to create a roster nor am I even into having guy friends. I don’t like men enough to want to entertain multiple ones. I’m a “one man”woman and when his actions and energy inspire me to let my guard down, I feel safe.

[@newworldlord643]

Omggggggg I DONT LIKE EM THAT MUCH EITHERRRR🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@marisolania2696]

Hahaha wow you said a word! I really don’t like them enough to do all that. I tell my husband all the time he’s as much man as I can take in a day! I’m definitely a one man woman and not out of some strategy but because I genuinely would have zero interest in hanging out with a “roster” of men.

[@NinaBee1]

@@marisolania2696 Yes. I have been unamused and unimpressed by men since 2nd grade. I’m still waiting for someone to show me what is so exciting about having men around in general. 🤣

[@busridingchick1063]

Nina B. Not since 2nd grade when you had crayons and lunch money in your pockets

[@AIBot929]

I mean I'm retired from dating, but I'm here for it. Edit: I too have noticed that dating now a days is a competition to see who cares less. Who gives less f!@ks. If we both don't care then what's the points, somebody has to care to keep it going. It's just ridiculous and I don't have time for this gave of love chicken, I've got money to make, houses to buy and countries that need me to vacation in them, not sit at home and pretend I didn't see that message and wait to respond for 45 min because it took them 40 to respond to previous text.

[@transitionsnc]

You make some excellent points.

[@lolarose8968]

Yes I'm retired as well. Time start planning the fun things that I want to do an experience in life and not worry about having a partner to do it with. Like minded people will eventually come to you is my personal belief.

[@Nuffsaid22]

This is gold

[@samiamohamed683]

You couldn’t have been more right on, that I am actually angry 😂 ahhhhh!!!

[@pestyobsrvr4278]

Honestly for better or worst I’m staying single until I can be genuine with someone. And I mean single, SINGLE this hook up, roster era ain’t for me. I ain’t burying no emotions, I ain’t faking it till I make it. Coming from a guy who has a few friends that are shameless “F”boys. I think the whole “roster” kills a person’s spirit and makes them more selfish and closed off, in my own observations.

[@painttheskyy]

Roster Era🤣🤣🤣

[@whatsnew955]

Omg i feel you even though I’m a girl. I’ve witnessed and experienced just ONE f boy myself and it just exhausted the shit out of me. Like once in a lifetime thing, I’m done, completely over it. Like if I can’t find someone willing to invest in a relationship like I do, Imma just head out and take a seat on the bench.

[@mimiscoo1173]

They were already like that…and it comes from objectifying women/fem people and seeing them as literal flesh lights.

[@seantshego7793]

Best thing I've ever heard today!! ❤️😭😭

[@boitumelomthethwa1006]

I hear that. Where do people find the time for this? The energy?! Nah. 😪

[@jjamerican93]

Frankly, dating is one of the most boring activities for me. I'd rather travel, meet new people at a happy hour, or explore a local museum in my area rather than go on a job interview for a romantic partner. I think it's so sad that we've been socialized to believe that we need to "hunt down" romantic relationships when the best ones seem to develop and grow organically at their own pace.

[@kanizfatima3447]

I would rather do a actual job interview lol atleast if I do good and get the job I can make some money … dating on the other hand is just work that takes but doesn’t give u anything back

[@LiizLiz]

In the beginning of my dating experiences, I used to talk to one person at a time. However, I found that I invested too much time in people that were just temporary and ended up hurting my feelings in the long run. Before getting into a relationship, I decided to date multiple people. To be honest I liked that approach better because I didn’t expect for them to choose me. I was in the position of choosing myself which ultimately made me feel like the prize. This approach actually made me see who put more effort and who matched my expectations more. Mind you, I’m an introvert for sure, but I did find this experience more eye opening. I think either approach works, but I think my mindset of choosing the person instead of being “chosen” helped my dating experience become more fun rather than it being anxiety driven. Also, I wrote a list of qualities of what I wanted in a man in a notebook, and I only dated the men with those qualities so I could save my time and energy.

[@nakedamaka]

Oh my gosh I did this too and I genuinely think it’s the reason I met my bf!

[@jessicabarlow7412]

That’s beautiful x

[@crazyanimeloveable]

I hateee the game, but again probably have to play it because otherwise il be seen desperate or such 🙄

[@mariecoheng]

Same!

[@daciamichelle982]

I’m actually doing this now. Withholding physical intimacy until I and a potential partner decide to implement exclusivity and monogamy. I do get burned out after dating 2-3 guys at a time and it not working out with any, but I see the blessing in not allowing myself to get too emotionally tethered to any one man before I feel emotionally safe to do so. It’s a journey sis, and I’m *trying to enjoy the ride😉✨✨

[@kamarae.2444]

SAMEEEEEE

[@PrincessJewels08]

I just decided to do the same sis! I’m tired to getting my hopes up too soon just to realize the guy was more so into my body than me as a whole. I no longer feel the need to have intimacy until we have a solid foundation by having an exclusive relationship

[@mmaya772]

Girl this exactly me right now lol! Like are you in my head? That’s facts.* 🙌🏾

[@TheFemmeCocoa]

Amen and Ashe! Good luck sis! 🤎

[@anitasimpson2883]

This! Doing this absolutely. Weeds out the weeds.

[@Loriana93]

I have accepted that because I’m introverted and an empath the dating scene currently isn’t for me 😂. I do hold onto some ridiculous hope that I’ll find my soulmate in the grocery store though lol.

[@eliyanoraanimalia7138]

You and me girl!

[@MysticalPreshXO]

Same girl…even tho I mostly do pick up 😅

[@cristinarivera5707]

The ideal romantic partnership to me is one of mutual admiration and respect. Men are ridiculously challenged in regards to respecting women!

[@manniefresh3425]

A lot of women not worthy of respect, similarly to lot of men

[@wallace245ful]

Stephco - as a black man your age living in California I think I’d be a lot like you if I was a woman. I love your stories

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@Deangelust Aayan Do you know BoJack?

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@Deangelust Aayan BoJack Horseman........your fellow cartoon.

[@iCeleste7]

I felt almost emotional hearing you talk about emotionally invested people as having a unique strength. I never thought of it like that. Like you, I always thought it was a weakness to be so attached and invested. Society celebrates having a nonchalant idgf attitude. But what a beautiful perspective: These people make great partners because they can connect with such depth. I love that.

[@laclairelcyy007]

Man dating is so exhausting. So draining and just tiring . It’s a lot man . From trying to not be to “attached” or come off as too “caring” and even the fact that we all have “expectations” even in the talking stage . Man . It’s tewwww muchhh 🥴 I can’t manage talking to multiple people . that’s just too much man . Dating now a days sucks . Period .

[@chelsy356]

Ikr!!!

[@thediscustedkitty6348]

I tried to live that way for years and it literally drove me nuts. If you aren't an aloof and unattached type of person it's unhealthy. I did everything I could to be cool, show absolutely no emotion, affection or anything. I wanted to be strong and not clingy or crazy. You can date and not do that. You can have feelings and emotions and be honest about it. It's okay. If you don't want to date multiple people that's fine. Just because other people are doing it doesn't mean it's right for you.

[@Sammy-nj3io]

Wow, multiple videos in one week. Here for it.

[@TemptingTerrill]

Typically, I prefer to focus on one person at a time. However, I felt the need to switch to having a roster because I was always reminded that I was an option and in the gay world it’s what most people do. And while getting a roster was fairly easy, maintaining it was hard because I really like to dig deep. Sharing so much of myself with multiple people was exhausting. But as other women have said, most men really aren’t that great to be having so many in your face lol.

[@TreniaP]

When you're the kind of person to only date one person at a time, what's key is making sure you give in proper proportion to where you are in the relationship. That means, when you first meet someone focus on having fun and getting to know them. The problem comes when you put too many expectations on someone you just met, you have to give it space to unfold to see if it's a good fit. As for circular dating (that's what it used to be called) or having a "roster", this is advice that works well for people who are deemed conventionally attractive and/or have a lot of high quality options at their disposal. Everyone doesn't have the same kind of choices and that's ok, but you have to date in a way that will work best for you. I was one of those women who treated He's Just Not that Into You as the dating bible. Mainly because I used to be the kind of young woman that agonized over why a guy didn't call me back, and jumped through hoops to figure out why it never worked out. That book while a hard pill to swallow at first, saved me a lot of time when I was still dating. Bottom line: there's not one perfect way to meet your person.

[@anitasimpson2883]

Thank you

[@blakesilvermark1]

I agree

[@godlovesusall8115]

When I was dating, I kept a roster. My now husband also kept a roster. We decided we wanted each other enough to drop the other people and date each other exclusively, even before any engagement and it's been great.

[@kandacewalker848]

I want to share a bit of my story. I met someone online over a year ago - we met the same day we connected online and then we’re married 7 months later. All that advice I heard about being demure and holding back your feelings WAS NOT NECESSARY. He told me how he felt about me and I shared the same right from the jump. We were lovey dovey and open and now I look back and think that sometimes the dating advice works and sometimes it doesn’t. But I’m just so glad I met someone I could be ALL of myself with. It has set the tone for our marriage. I wish everyone success

[@YEWANDEeeeeee]

Congratulations to you!!

[@kandacewalker848]

@@YEWANDEeeeeee thank you!

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

I’m happy for you and hope you nothing but success. And your comment is true. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Also, sometimes, dating, marriage, and romantic love:connection was just not meant to be for some of us, and we have to accept and just be!

[@paanora440]

you’re so lucky!! :,)

[@kandacewalker848]

@@paanora440 it didn’t feel lucky when I was waiting all those years but I understand the sentiment. There is always hope!

[@bonitapandora]

I never was down with the mentality of having a roster because like you steph, I don’t like that many people. And I get why the roster mentality is being shoved down our throats. It makes it easier to detach if you have many instead of that one. However, that’s just way too much energy for me lol. Also It is honestly hard to find someone that I vibe with on a different level so when I do find that person, I am invested in cultivating that connection more. At the end of the day do what works for you and stand on it.

[@callmemunashe]

I feel so seen in this video as someone who prefers to date one person at a time. When I had a “roster” yes I was able to stay emotionally detached but my dating life felt so empty. Emotion and vulnerability is what makes falling in love with the right person enjoyable because they’re seeing the parts of you that you mask in your everyday life with everyone else. Multi-dating just felt like I had people on an endless conveyor belt. To your point Steph, quantity isn’t always better than quality. My approach to dating now is building a friendship and allowing it to grow (or not grow) into whatever it naturally wants to become without expectations. If it becomes a relationship great, if it doesn’t atleast I’ve gained a new person who cares about me that I care about too platonically.

[@SmallBobby]

Wow you look like Toni Braxton. ❤️

[@callmemunashe]

@@SmallBobby that’s the 2nd time in 2 weeks someone has said that to me🤣thanks!💞

[@Tiorg-g1u]

I really relate to this comment! I feel like dating with the sole purpose of romance wasn’t getting me to the right people and it took a while for me to really be myself in the relationship. I prefer the friend approach because as you said, if it doesn’t work out you have a new friend and if it does at least you know you’re with someone who loves you and knows you beyond the romance.

[@blakesilvermark1]

@@Tiorg-g1u yeah I agree and there is a word for it demisexuality!

[@callmemunashe]

@@Tiorg-g1u Exactly! You took the words out of my mouth. Friendship is the basis of all good and healthy relationships. It’s an indescribable feeling when you know someone likes you for who you are and the quality time you spend together not just the romance and intimacy that comes from a relationship where they are attracted to you.

[@applespears4045]

The thing about dating or even marriage is no matter how much we would like for things to never end with the person we've already made up our minds that will would be with forever is that things happen and nothing is a guarantee. You don't have to sabotage relationships but you definitely should consider how you will go about taking care of yourself if it doesn't work out. Detachment is not about being nonchalant and not caring about others feelings, it's about being OK with whatever happens.

[@authenticallyari3185]

Steph! You are my favorite KZbinr ever! Love you girl !! ❤️❤️❤️

[@AlexisDavis16]

Roster dating is for fun and practice, imo. It is a nice way to get to know what you enjoy in the men you're spending time with. The issue is if you're in a small big city like me( memphis ) you start to limit your options for serious potential very quickly. I also felt like I was wasting way too much time dating, texting, FaceTiming. Exhausting. I found it best to focus on myself and my friendships and when the right man entered my life and showed me that he was serious I focused on him too.

[@CamishaLove]

Damn. You put this video up 6 minutes ago, and I'm already watching. I'm 3 minutes in. Also, I'm really happy that you're getting more sponsorships!! Yaaaas! 🙌🏾

[@shangreer9060]

I think the key is take responsibility for your emotions and do not have expectations for other people to act in a way that makes your happy. People don’t owe you happiness. Happiness is a personal responsibility. If you are looking for your happiness in others, dating will always be painful.

[@kmoreno0514]

I dated multiple people, I was open and honest with everyone. I think the key is dating multiple people at once but also NOT closing off your emotions. Because if I focused on solely on person at a time then I’m in a relationship for years and then I wasted my time. I dated multiple people, I told my current fiancé I wanted to do the same with him. And when It felt wrong or like “cheating” I knew this is the person I should focus on.

[@srm0520]

I completely agree that everyone has to date with their own preferences and be up front about what they want/why they’re dating. However, in my opinion, the issue is either a) people don’t know what they want and don’t take the time to figure it out- so they’re out here messing w people all willy nilly. Or b) they do know what they want but want it a certain way- i.e. men who know they’re just seeking sex but don’t want a woman “like that” who also just wants sex, so they claim they want something more/a relationship to get what they want HOW they want it- i.e. with a certain type of “more pure” woman. 🙄 overall, dating is hard. And I am sure to remind my married friends that when they tell me how I “should” be doing it. Not taking dating advice from people who’ve been married for 10-15yrs and were never in these current streets. It’s a different world now!

[@ReluctantToDrive]

I never understood how so many women have no problem doing the nasty with guys they barely now or are "talking to" but then say "I'm scared to ask these guys if they are looking for something serious." You have a mouth, be assertive. If your afraid that having that conversation is going to end things, why would you want to speak or get physical with that person anyway. Put what you want first. ALWAYS. Be truthful with guys after knowing them long enough to feel you have enough chemistry in talking to hazard bringing up WHAT YOU are looking for. Be bold. You have nothing to lose and if he says he don't want you good. At least you didn't waste anymore time on him. DO NOT casually sleep around if you form attachments. You should only sleep with someone who actually admits so seeing you in a monogamous relationship. If you don't let them hit it long enough to figure what kind of person they are you will save yourself so much stress and heartache. You can roster but don't be ridiculous. Talk to 2 people that seem the most worth it based on your common interests and if they text/talk to you with great frequency. Not putting out will already cut out the vast majority of fuckboys so you will be left with people of substance. Will you find a man overnight? No. But like many things in life you must keep at it. But believe me when you don't share your bodies with randoms that could give a shit about you it will be so much easier on your heart. Also sleeping with people clouds your judgement. Good sex will make you think someone is your soulmate when there's nothing there. I hope ladies will begin to play the game on their own terms from now on.

[@LaChanceuse]

I have decided that dating today is not for me. Tired of wasting emotional and other resources on men! I am interested in meeting Hopefully emotionally healthy and intelligent women to build a teive and support one another.

[@thereallesliec5232]

I'm here for this lol atleast the conversation will be better! 😂

[@ceoofhoneyconjuredlash7326]

me too like a sister hood or something with like minded minds i given up on line dating too

[@mags00154]

I love your brain omg. The way you break down a topic and really get into it including your perspective/experience but also a broader range. This is definitely helping me realize why the last relationship didn’t work out for many reasons not to be dramatic but it was doomed from the start. Not everyone wants the same thing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. honesty should be at the forefront though.

[@godlovesusall8115]

I think of dating as I think of sales. Getting to someone like "hey I have this great product that might be a fit for you" isn't that good. You build warm relations and then pitch. If you look at someone and you feel the spark in your heart and you end up looking at 5 other people and feeling that attraction, befriend them. Let the thing be a genuine friendship, don't go and invite them on a date before it's at least 3 months of being acquaintances. It worked for me.

[@qwertyyxoxo]

Humans are naturally wired to connect emotionally. As babies, that's all we wanted to do. When we get hurt, we end up using detachment as a defense mechanism and we get comfortable with it, but this is nothing more than a trauma response. When you go to therapy and unlearn all of that, it will actually take MORE ENERGY to stay detached - and you finally can build healthy relationships. I learned all of this after 27 years, so I find it so unreal how some people grow up without that trauma These are the people that have successful relationships their whole lives, and don't even bother with hookup culture. I'm in awe of them, it's like they've gone thru life on easy mode.

[@andreab9]

You uploaded this just in time! Traffic on the 405 is a nightmare right now and I need something to keep me occupied 💕

[@inspiration100100]

wow i wish i had your data phone plan😂😭

[@princessm8977]

Welp, I basically feel no sexual attraction till there is an emotional connection, so hookup culture has NEVER been for me lol. It's always such a slow process to meet and fall for someone new.

[@thereallesliec5232]

same are you demisexual? That's what I classify as.

[@princessm8977]

@@thereallesliec5232 Yes, definitely demisexual. :)

[@blakesilvermark1]

@@thereallesliec5232 yeah same im also demisexual so i have to have a connection in order to be attached.

[@thereallesliec5232]

@@blakesilvermark1 omg me too. I never meet demi people!

[@paanora440]

THIS , THIS IS HOW I FEEL I never knew how to explain it but I can’t just causally hookup with someone and I don’t understand the whole culture behind it. I don’t judge but it makes me curious about it.

[@troymcneal7371]

This video is much needed! I recently decided to stay abstinent until I’m seriously dating someone. However trying someone to date is hard. Even texting trying to decided are my responses too long, too caring. I was talking to a guy while I’m the type to just respond immediately, I was responding hours later. Going over am I playing this right since in the past I haven’t had any success. I’m at the point of hanging up my Jersey lol

[@boitumelomthethwa1006]

Oh no! A roster? I'm tired just thinking about it. I too cannot spread my energy like that to people, especially not the romantic kind. I'm busy most of the time and i value my rest days. One person at a time is all i can manage.

[@federicamandel6308]

Okay so I’ve been with my spouse for about 9 years (married for 5) and when it comes to attachment I’ve realized that the issue isn’t so much “practice detachment” as much as “ask yourself why you feel attached to this person.” And is it that you need to show attachment or to be shown attachment? Because those are two very different things. I am someone who writes long rambling texts to the people I like, my spouse is perfectly capable of writing a single “yes” response to 10 paragraph texts. Or not answer at all if they don’t see a clear question in the text they receive. It took me a second to realize that their way of texting had nothing to do with how they felt about be but when I did it spared us so many issues. I felt more relaxed in texting them 10 paragraph rants knowing it was okay and they felt more comfortable showing affection however they liked because we had established that affection was there. Being yourself with your partner doesn’t mean your partner needs to share your same way of showing emotions. Especially in heterosexual dating where men and women have very different standards of what constitutes intimacy and showing affection. But this kind of mutual understanding comes with time and communication. Why would you be attached to someone you just met and don’t really know yet? At this point chances are you’re more attached to an idea of them than to who they are. Wait to know a person before overthinking this kind of stuff

[@citigurl18]

I'm with you 💯 Roster is not for me but I also need a method protect my fragile/soft heart. Gotta find what works for me

[@misslauren6798]

I spent most of my limited dating life trying to be "detached". It NEVER worked out for me. I found I was happier when I finally decided to stop fighting what came natural to me.

[@nycrawgirl]

Rori Raye, years ago, was the first famous dating coach to recommend having a roster until someone proposed. She said she had to call three men and cancel dates the night she got her ring. She recommends keeping your options WIDE open and accepting EVERY date (even if the guy seems homeless). She talks about how women can create attraction where as men typically know right away if they want you. Their opinion will never change from the first impression. It is true that a few of my married friends couldn't stand their husbands for the first few months of knowing them. Oddly, after seeing your video I think I'm ready to go back to this technique, at least in part. It did keep me from getting hurt and sleeping with someone too soon. It was extremely exhausting and discouraging though to have dinner with men who I couldn't stand, lol. Oh. I don't know. There are benefits to this way for sure--even just energetically. There is an energy we put out when we know we have another option that we don't put out when we don't have another date on the calendar. It's like going on a job interview when you have a job--you don't have a needy energy. Perhaps I'll try to create that energy without sitting through terrible conversations.

[@thediscustedkitty6348]

A lot of women my mom's age did this. She's in her early 60s. They'd date whoever until they chose someone or one of them proposed. It just seems so weird. They'd have these same men on their rotation for years. I couldn't. Like you going out with men I'm not into sucks. I learned my lesson and realized that I don't have to date everyone who's interested in me.

[@pestyobsrvr4278]

A woman I used to talk to made me feel bad when I confessed she was the only one I was talking to because I really liked her and I’m a “one person at a time dater”. While I was not the only one she was talking to. I think it’s a defense mechanism of not wanting to be responsible of breaking anyone’s heart, if you asked me.

[@deshaqueen706]

@Deangelust Aayan maybe you should try to let her know how you feel before writing her off.

[@deshaqueen706]

She wasn’t interested in you and didn’t want to hurt your feeling @PestyObsrvr

[@pestyobsrvr4278]

@@deshaqueen706 Nah I hear that, but honestly that's still not cool. At that point you just keeping someone around for your benefit but not theirs. Long story short, I made my intentions known early, and she played along to keep me never told me she didn't want me and kept it 💯, I think she was scared of how I might react not trusting my level of maturity cuz of how sour and immature the rest these dudes can react. In the end I wasn't someone she ain't have to lie to.

[@avibecallednellez]

It makes my day when I see an upload from you, honestly. truly. I’ve been in a situation where I didn’t speak up about my desire for a relationship with someone because I didn’t want him to think I was putting pressure on him. I’ve also really enjoyed someone’s companionship for almost 2 years (also thought I found the love of my life) for him to pick someone else over me, but I had not gotten my hopes up that we’d be together. It sucked, but not getting attached to him really saved me from drowning my sorrows in some Ben & Jerry’s. I don’t like being detached. I love the idea of giving someone my all, but having that reciprocated. Rosters are not fun because with me it’s really quality over quantity. Even when talking to multiple dudes at once I clearly gave more effort to my “favorite”. Rosters never have and would never work for me and I’m finally okay with waiting for what I know I truly want.

[@Pagesandperfumes]

So happy you are getting sponsorships because your have great content 😍🥰

[@turtledove8386]

I am married now but prior to getting married I was always the roster type. When I first started dating as a teenager my parents always instilled the “you are the prize” talk/thought process. I too am an ambivert but loved the dating process as I use to get bored quickly. I agree that you have to date that is best for you and your mental health. There is no one rule to dating, and knowing what situation is best for you will work out in the long run.

[@jaymills3627]

I find it hard to entertain more than one person as well. Like usually if I end up going on more than 2 dates with someone I end up falling into exclusivity with them as well. I tried maintaining text conversations with 3 people at one point and it was mentally exhausting. I just don’t like dating in a detached way. However, I’m learning to ease myself into new encounters and slowly form a bond rather then speed to the exclusivity/relationship finish line. And more importantly I let the other person bring up status first. I always feels like a game until you meet someone you’re cool with.

[@silentcries8137]

I'm sensitive and like the idea of a serious relationship. There is so many toxic people and guys on the DL. So I learn to just close my heart. It seems like there are so many men who dog people. So I'm learning to find the right person and take it slow so guys can show their true colors

[@cassc7669]

I prefer one on one for all of my relationships, which is also part of why I never clicked with some people in my past friend groups. I'm also just not dating. With moving among other life events I'm also just busy, and from experience being single and alone is much better than being in a relationship and lonely for me. So yeah, maybe that's my own form of "detachment dating" because no matter how much love I have for a person I know I will leave if the relationship becomes too emotionally damaging for me.

[@ayemiksenoj5254]

1. I'd like to thank you so much for mentioning being an ambivert. When I say that to other people they look at me like a chicken with my head almost chopped off. (I'm being graphic to make the point.) 2. Thank you also for mentioning (being) balanced. I think too many people miss how important finding a (workable) balance to almost everything is. 3. At my age I'm no longer interested in playing games in a relationship. If I have to do that I'd rather be/stay alone. I know most people don't want to think about or look at this, but playing all of these games (being detached, having a roster, ect) is emotionally immature because it shows that you're afraid to own that part of yourself. It's also physically draining and warps the purpose of human connection. I spent a lot of my life emotionally detached in any and all kinds of relationships and social interactions. An it's cost me valuable time and opportunities to experience a different understanding and way of being around other people. It's also messed with my energy in ways I can feel, but can't readily explain, except to say most people have the wrong impression of me before I even open my mouth so I don't often have chances to deal with as many people as when I was younger and took other people's interest for granted.

[@jellyrcw12]

These are my general dating rules: 1) From the jump, do we want the same thing? If not, then what are we doing? Thank you, next 2) when people reveal things about themselves. BELIEVE THEM. That is #1 to me. If they say "I'm very flighty" believe them. If they say "I struggle with honesty" believe them. Just whatever comes out their mouth that is revealing, take it to heart. I knew someone that said I'd eventually resent her and I shrugged it off, B was right! 3) Are they consistent? 4) I do not chase anyone, I simply meet. I give out an equal amount of energy that they're putting in. 5) always stay grounded and remember who you are and what matters. Keep seeing your friends, trying out new restaurants, traveling, going to the gym. You are the one that lives your life!

[@MoniqueD305]

Steph you been racking these sponsorships up!!! I’m so proud of you!

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

I think that a lot of dating advice is aimed at extroverts, because they are the default setting in society. The notion of rotational dating can only be aimed at extroverts who get their energy from others. As a sensitive introvert I'd probably end up in hospital if I had a roster.

[@ev6564]

I don't know...I'm a mega introvert and trying to apply rotational dating. It's less draining in my opinion than putting all your time and emotions into one person without being married to them. Single 'til you're married haha

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@ev6564 I did it many years ago and ended needing to spend a lot of time recuperating and I was fairly detached, but open minded. All of the dates were quite enjoyable, but I was still very drained afterwards. I wish you all the best with it.

[@ev6564]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 Thank you, same to you!

[@selenadesanti4920]

I am the type of girl who has a roster when I’m dating and I love it! I think the reason why I tend to go that way is because I value having multiple partners at once. I feel like everyone I date is different and brings something unique to the table. I can go to see my favorite artist in concert with one and cook with another. I just love the variety. I am more of the non-monogamous type so I believe that’s why this works for me! (Venus in Gemini)

[@Annamelese]

How are you able to keep up with that? was with a men and things ended because he stop making effort like he used to!

[@selenadesanti4920]

@@Annamelese As soon as a guy stops making effort I drop him. The more options you have, the less it affects you when one of them starts acting crazy.

[@crazy4beatles]

Having a roster assumes I can find multiple people that want to date me, around roughly the same time. Lol I guess if I really, really wanted to I could find enough people, but they wouldn't be people I'm actually interested in. For one, that's wasting my time but also it's sh*tty to use someone as a placeholder. If I enjoy their company and we're just looking for different things - then fine but to just lead someone...it's that bachelor/ette syndrome.

[@rhaynerussell1182]

Never related to something more in my life. I hate that people look at me crazy for only wanting to date one person at a time. My energy is too pure to even have multiple different people disappointing me at once. lol. It’s a struggle being 24 and ready for genuine love and marriage when no one else is.

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

I feel like women our age, also 24, are ready, but the issue lies with our counterparts. These men are never ready. They want to hoe around and get easy sex till they die. It’s just disparaging. Makes me physically sick, I swear. I keep hearing of the good man, but he seems like a mystical unicorn at this point.

[@msasake]

I had a roster when I was single and it worked for me. It allowed me to take the guys at face value rather than their potential. It worked well for me and ended hot girl summer with a man(and we’re still together!) Def not for everyone esp if you wear your heart out on ya sleeve

[@tanyalatricestaysonfire3929]

That’s why it is important to understand people’s love language.

[@thtgirlgizi6233]

I agree with you… I love your videos! I’d like to add that I think dating has literally turned into a game to feed peoples crushed egos and hurt vs finding love.

[@missshannonsunshine]

Yesss!! I'm so excited to listen!!!! I'm having suchhh a hard time with this. On one hand detachment helps bc it keeps you from toxic ppl, but on the other hand it hurts bc now I split people and can't tell if I'm being too hard on them or not and i feel like I just can't trust anyone or even my gut which sucks

[@whatsnew955]

Yup definitely. The feeling of unable to trust anyone is the worst.

[@newstartalltheway]

I really do appreciate your videos around dating and relationships. The courage with which you share your vulnerability is inspiring and important. One thing I wanted to comment on though - it seems to me that you often speak as if you're a helpless victim in being bombarded with information about dating and men, ect but these algorithms continue feeding what you've looked for. So if you've spent YEARS looking into these things, just because you mentally change your mindset and priorities, those newsfeeds aren't gonna change unless you make an active effort to block that content and intake other stuff. My feed barely has any of the stuff that you regularly claim is just flooding all of the internet. I've learned about a lot of toxic internet circles through you. I wouldn't have known about them otherwise.

[@carmanrodgers4430]

I so feel everything you are sharing! I’ve been through a similar journey. I finally met my person at 46 and married him at 47. I was ready to hang up my Jersey too. I just want to encourage you that good men are still out there. Keep your heart and mind open to receive it! Know your worth and when you feel anyone not honoring your value, don’t give him another second! ❤️

[@catcoffee7958]

Hi thanks ...was looking for someone in 40s to give me hope it can happen..am 39 going 40 soon 🙏🙏🙏

[@paintitblack9712]

Everytime I hear you speak: 1. I listen 2. Know I need to read more and broaden my vocabulary ❤️

[@shaecarter1837]

I pray for you often steph to find a true love and receive all your blessings you deserve them!

[@ellen5007]

I feel the EXACT same way as you. Recently hung up my jersey too because of heartbreak. I cannot do the roster thing either. I just can't feel really anything if I am dating a bunch of people or I just end up liking one person more and it is pointless to spend my time with others. A lot of this advice is directed at women, we typically have to bend and mold to find a mate, I am done with this. I am going to stick to my values and someone will come along...or they won't and I will have other endeavors that I use to fill my emotional cup and ultimately be a part of The Golden Girls. I don't need to play games because I don't need a partner...I want one and that makes a difference, for me at least.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Listen to the Female Dating Strategy podcast; you may find it helpful.

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

Love the last sentence. I also don’t need a partner; I’d love to have one, but only on my terms, and that’s a healthy, genuine, committed connection

[@mahletberhanemeskel6754]

This is so real I have a big heart, but I do come into the dating pool with a caution since people have the attention span of a three year old. I had my fun dating days, but after feeling a guy I was once seeing slowly detaching from me, and mind you he was still texting me and called me once a day, but I didn't feel that same excitement I once felt from him. I felt him lose interest in me, so one night I haven't heard from him for eight hours and texted him if he was losing interest in me, got all defensive and he decided to made it clear that this is not what he wanted. At this time I am taking a huge break from dating and relationships, I want to focus on leveling myself up physically, mentally, and emotionally before coming back to the dating scene.

[@brittdei]

Steph, please patent “ACCOMODATE” before someone runs with that idea. I think it’s high-key brilliant.

[@Amanda-sp4gy]

The title alone gets a like from me.

[@alicia_nicole]

Ok Steph!!! I see you with the brand deals coming through!!! 🙌

[@catherinejean-louis3309]

I felt some pressure to have a roster but I could never talk to more than 2 or 3 people at once. Even that I didn’t like tbh. I always knew I’d rather focus my energy toward one person at a time. Less messy and less stress. Oh and while I can detach myself in the beginning and allow myself to open up as I see fit, I’m always being myself. That is something I always try to make sure of. But I’m not actively dating now anyway. Dating is a headache when you’re actively working at it. If something happens, it happens. If not then I’ll be here living in my peace

[@MF-pk2gf]

Steph, your husband is coming. I see it.

[@angelahairston4761]

Girl, you said it at the end! Dating multiple people is exhausting. I tried it for a little while and by a little I mean a year. What I realized was, I wasn’t genuinely interested in any of them, and none of them were genuinely interested in me, and I couldn’t remember details about each persons life without getting them mixed up. I don’t want to be single forever but I can’t be inauthentic either so I’m with you!

[@brujalinda]

That text message is the one reason why I’m not in a relationship. And yes drop him and move to the next one, he obviously doesn’t like you that much or as much as you do. How ever I’m the same as you when it comes to dating. I also find it exhausting getting to know more then one person, if I’m talking to someone is because,I really like them. Is also rare for me to meet someone, I can be balance with or really like. 🤦🏼‍♀️ wow no wonder why I’m alone everyone is with the “roster”and I’m here waiting for someone to feel balanced with 😔

[@EhpicPhailure]

I needed this today! I don't think I have any issues with being vulnerable but I think I have issues with feeling my feelings both inside and outside relationships. Sadly, I'm really good at invalidating my own feelings (like I'm being "irrational or unfair") and I'm not the person who lives by "whoever cares less wins", but my current partner feels like I "care less" because I don't necessarily show my love the same way he does. I've also been struggling what "being in love" even means. It's a struggle all around!

[@tishataray]

The thing with talking to ppl who need what we need is tht ppls needs are always evolving. One day a man might need love from u but if new options come along he might feel now he needs multiple sources of validation.....thts y its important to find some1 with a moral compass

[@ForMySoulSistas]

I totally agree with what Steph: our generation “borrows and throws away” instead of “buying and fixing whenever it’s needed”.With dating apps we mistakenly have the impression that someone else is available and/or more compatible so we don’t work on what we have. I’m doing a break from dating apps: it’s emotionally draining to take to swipe, make conversations and sometimes never meet..When I am on dating apps, I say very bluntly what I want (in my description, not even in conversation) but still come across weird guys. In regards to exclusivity, I don’t give it unless the guy asks me or is serious. Hard game out there…

[@dedapfiekak8610]

Steph you are a natural talent for what you do. Even the add you did is fun to watch😍😊.

[@kimberleymchaney6940]

Yessss for the hello fresh sponsorship!

[@crlake]

Higher standards! I don't like dealing with a whole bunch of people. I need to have a connection with someone. If they're blasé about every subject, talk bad about their ex, act shallow (or laugh) regarding serious issues that affect women, or families in general... THEY ARE CUT OFF! And that is the bare basic level they must meet!

[@nancykerrigan]

COME👏🏾THRU👏🏾HELLO👏🏾FRESH👏🏾SPONSORSHIP👏🏾 Glad they came around finally. Now on to the video.

[@ConnieBTV]

I am definitely pro roster and have been for a few months since I started dating after a 2 year break. I love meeting new people and having conversations etc... It keeps me from getting my hopes up too soon... so I am eating good and having fun lol

[@JM-ip1es]

Exactly 💯❤️😂 same here 🙌

[@cmg25]

People used to end up with people that lived within in a five mile radius. Dating is “hard” because of: - decision fatigue due to more options (via travel and tech), - treating people like commodities (superficial value), - and socioeconomic malarkey (imposed filters) instead of “love.” We are taught to find happiness outside of ourselves and inside of hetero relationships. Date yourself forever. Find your purpose and those worthy of your time will follow.

[@user-kr2ty9vk5n]

Omg! Congrats on the Hello Fresh sponsorship!! 😊

[@niasiasr2914]

I agree with dating someone who needs what you need, but you must add that they have to give you what you need. Because someone can need the same things as you but only expect to receive it and not give at the same capacity. It is about the ability for you both to give and receive on the same levels.

[@busridingchick1063]

As someone who unintentionally took themselves outta the game many moons ago I don’t think I’d be able to have a dating roster if I started dating again. Put me in coach! I’m too much of an introvert/ambivert for all that energy to be kept up. Plus the main thing for me is that my memory is terrible and I’m barely remembering what I did last week. Let alone trying to keep up with multiple guys and what dating stage we are at. It would require me to create an excel spreadsheet with formulas 👩🏽‍💻

[@louisalaurence5980]

Thank God i am not alone. I don’t know how to feel a little i either feel or i dont. Also this game of strategy model of dating/relationship is not for me and i am only 25. I am already tire and i am no longer interested in dating anyone because this hook up culture is just not for me.

[@BlessedBaller2010]

I am 21 and I love your videos! I learned so much and feel so validated from the experiences u share. I am someone who has a hard time liking more than one person at a time and when I finally do I want to give to that person and make them feel chosen like I would want to feel. I can’t really try roster dating bc there is always one I like way more than the others and they don’t make me detach..if anything their presence in comparison makes me like the person more. I have always said that this way of dating was never for me but it is only now that I have decided to be way more forthright about my needs and intentional in who I allow to meet them.

[@GalaxyGames2002Day]

First I would like to say that I absolutely love the style of videos you have been doing lately! I like watching them while I’m getting ready in the morning before work. ❤ Whenever I do get on the apps and decide to put myself out there, I tend to do a form of roster dating, but not necessarily intentionally. I don’t take it as seriously as some might. I like the idea of not putting all your eggs in one basket. It’s also difficult for me to listen to friends or other women who only date one guy at a time, get super attached, build up a relationship in their head, just to get ghosted. Men are usually keeping their options open, so I think it seems silly to just focus on one at a time, unless of course, there really is some type of amazing, healthy attachment that two people are forming early on. That being said, the burn out is real! Because of this, in the past, I have found myself probably settling for the wrong guy, just so that I can take a break from the carousel. So this can be a dangerous form of dating as well. Ideally I would meet a man and get to a point where I’m not interested in dating others early on, and can focus my energy on him, while still staying grounded and not forming a premature attachment.

[@lunachic9629]

Ultimate emotional feeling personality here.. tried the meaningless dating, im not able. Thanks and keep bringing the latest., I'm behind the times

[@classylady4606]

I can relate to being an "ambivert" and prefer to focus on one person at a time as well. However, I think it's so important to maintain healthy emotional boundaries if this is your approach and keep things in the right perspective, as it's easier to get attached and can be a challenge to detach (when you're focused on one person)---oppose to those who date multiple people at a time. They're less likely to be consumed with one person. It can be disappointing when you've placed all of your eggs in one basket only to find that the basket had a whole in it in the end...

[@wld6017]

I’ve always been a one-on-one type of girl to the core I still am. Even in this era of having a roster, I wouldn’t say I like the idea of spreading myself thin, especially if I see no future with someone. Flirting might be fun, but the high of it seems to end quickly for me. Anyhow, thank you for diving deep into this subject. I feel seen when you break it down in the ways you do.

[@lovewhite3804]

I dont think detachment is it. You need to like manage your emotions and not act out. Not get so mad at ppl you just met who have ZERO OBLIGATION to you.

[@ClaireHaire]

*Game recognizes game, is something I hear often but, what if yo don't want to play the "game". I think lack of social interaction is decreasing our overall empathy towards each other, when they were allocating the title of "simp" towards Russel Wilson, I know we have work to do. It shouldn't be a crime for you to profess your feelings for another person.*

[@pegasusred8048]

This video and the friendship video is really helping me through some things in barely knew were bothering me. I believe dating exhaustion truly exists, even in friendships, which is why friends with benefits was a hard “no” for me. I have experienced situations where men were expecting so much from me but less likely to invest in me at all because they were being picky and playing the odds like I’m a gamble. I eventually learned what I wanted, stood firmly in that, and noticed how small of a pool of men I had “access” to afterwards, similar to weeding out the “toxic” friends. I learned though my expectations are not high especially seeing the expectations from the guys I’ve dealt with who were more concerned about themselves. I can bring plenty to the table, so I decided to be careful about how I made myself available to others especially ones that are not going to invest equally. I practice reciprocity like a ritual at this point.

[@marlenahawkins7098]

I’m mother that’s parent alone and it extremely hard to date and meet a quality man that even has steady employment.

[@sofiya636]

Your make up is really nice! 👍🏻☺️

[@whoome1638]

I dated a lot and I can now say I was a detached dater. But it wasn’t because I didn’t care about the person per say, I was having fun. I was very transparent with the person but found they caught feelings so I moved on. Then I stopped because I was just exhausted from dating lol however I felt that dating (with the intent to just go with the flow) was easy due to my detachment. It was a natural occurrence that I never realize. I’m normally a naturally detached partner in some ways. I’m so blessed to have a spouse who understands. I make sure I give them love and I get the same.

[@ToriUptown]

i think it’s very weird that she was still dating other men up until her husband proposed. i wonder if they truly connected emotionally. i refuse to have a roster, i don’t even like enough men at once for that. lol i def think that sex shouldn’t even be a thing until exclusivity, tho. if we have s*x, you’re my bf. period

[@thereallesliec5232]

I also don't like that many men at all. I cut off a guy that was inconsistent, and he told me he didn't want to come off as liking me too much 🙃

[@homebody61]

😂😂

[@marisolania2696]

I’m happily married but the type of person I am I’d be hurt if I knew someone I was dating had a roster because yes I would like to feel like the special unicorn fairy in his life. I’m lucky that my husband and I were on the same page from day 1 cuz we’re both sensitive souls and dating (especially in the US) is awful. My mom always said “every stale cheese has its stale bread” which literally means that everyone has a match. Somebody whose values/desires line up with yours somehow. So to each his own.