7 Signs of a Narcissistic Father | Father/Daughter Relationship

[@missdolittle]

I grew up with the “he doesn’t mean it that way, he just doesn’t know how to show love’. Ya right.

[@kairik6302]

My mom always gave this excuse to my father. And partially this is. Ok They do not know how to do healthy parenting.

[@kellykittinger5969]

My mom has told me about my dad that my entire life and I get so mad when she does

[@kairik6302]

@@kellykittinger5969 exactly. It is such a wrong way to enable abuse by giving excuses. Yes he didn't deserve the childhood he had, but to have this as an excuse to further abuse your children, that's just plain wrong. Grown ups are able to grow and learn new things and be better than their own parents were. Subconsciously we may carry our parents parenting systems to our children. But it's our CHOICE to see and recognise them and change. If a father doesn't take responsibility.. He is still a boy.. In grown ups body. 😏😔

[@gloriahook]

Yup. All kinds of excuses from my mother too.

[@moniqueloomis9772]

Me too.

[@RandomCreationsChannel]

Sounds like my dad in a nutshell. Can make you feel like the most special person in the world when he’s happy with you. On the other hand, can completely tear you down in the blink of an eye when you don’t live your life like he wants.

[@spreadthelove77]

I totally hear that👌🏼

[@mina4108]

this comment explains my situation very well

[@NellieFly]

My father’s lens to a person’s moral and ethical values is based soley on the amount material posessions one owns, or lack there of. He is offended by anyone who can’t see that. Over time, I became the scapegoat because I refused to play along. Hindsight is 20/20.

[@carolnahigian9518]

yes I believe you- our Dad and one bro;; they give the withering Glance-ridicule my weight-take a TONE of superiority; both insufferable toxic "" men""".

[@mourningst5r]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[@randomaccessmemories8912]

“The father needs the daughter to succeed, when the daughter fails, he’s embarrassed” explains A LOT

[@alexr.3504]

Same for me!

[@dawnrobbins5877]

My dad preferred that I fail and done everything in his power to make sure I did.

[@hongwan7084]

He’s not just embarrassed, he’s destroyed, so he destroyed me, I literally became suicidal. It’s been eight years, I still try to recover, but thankful to learn the truth from the video. Thanks!!

[@tannwich5350]

Unfortunately it's really hard to tell if it's pride or when they want you to succeed for your sake, and because they love you, and they want you to have what they never did. And they feel it's their role as a parent to help you. This is usually the parent who grew up poor or otherwise unable to be what they wanted to be. If the father is already successful, it may just be a point of pride. But they still may be genuinely concerned about you. I'm not trying to discount your perception. There are definitely as many types of people as there are people. Just trying to give my experience, which may be totally different than yours.

[@igivedafupbitch]

He wanted me to succeed without teaching me life lessons then get upset I didn’t learn because I was never taught

[@hellybelly7903]

Society has made the term “daddy issues” so condescending like it’s the child’s fault for their abusive upbringing.

[@nodiggity9472]

It's not though. There's no implication of blame there at all. And because it *is* a thing, we have to call it something. You only think it's condescending because . . . well, because you have Daddy issues. 🤷‍♂

[@Pricedaddy]

it hurts when you know people are against you :(

[@badcookie5755]

@@nodiggity9472 no, that's not true. "Daddy issues" has been used in our culture to make fun of (predominantly) women for having issue due to a poor father role. The word "Daddy" is already infantilizing and condescending. It could be called "Father issues", implying the issue is infantile in nature. It also implies SHE has issues with her father and not that the father has failed in his parental role. It has strong implications in todays culture. OP is right

[@nodiggity9472]

@@badcookie5755 "Making fun of"? Look, when you have an issue due to a poor father role, calling it a "Daddy issue" isn't condescending at all. It's descriptive. As for the implication that "SHE has issues with her father", that's not an implication, its a given. If someone is said to have "Daddy issues", they have issues with their father. If we were looking at the father, we might say he had boundary issues or some shit. But we're not. Also, a father doesn't have to have failed in his parental role for his children to have issues with him. Basically what you're saying, is "I don't have 'Daddy issues', I have issues with my father's lack of positive parental input" Well, that's Daddy issues. If you don't like the word "Daddy", don't use it. If you do . . . . jump up on my knee, and tell Daddy all about it.

[@badcookie5755]

@@nodiggity9472 No wonder you see no issue with the term when youre blinded by misogyny. I'm impressed you typed that last part out without an ounce of self awareness. Just say you're a deadbeat and go

[@maureennewman627]

I didn't realize how narcissistic my father was until I was a grown woman. It explains a lot of things but especially his sole focus on himself, everything funneled back to him, whether or not it was intended. He took EVERYTHING personally. If I didn't think exactly like he did it was an affront to him, a disrespect. As I got older, it was obvious to him that I had thoughts and opinions different from his, he would get angry and say "who put those thoughts in your head!"...like I was incapable of forming my own ideas with the information around me. He was also extremely vain and needed constant ego stroking that he was handsome and looked young for his age...to the point that when I mentioned I visited a friend (as an adult), his first question was "what does she think of me, what did she say about me?" I just looked at him and said "We actually didn't talk about you at all" He was floored...how could that be? Of course he would be brought up in conversation! Here's an example of when I was younger, like 6 or 7...I would be watching cartoons and he would come home from work and announce "I'm HOME!" and if I didn't IMMEDIATELY get up and run to him, he would start with "Oh, I guess I'm not important anymore, working hard all day to put food on the table at a job I hate, just for YOU! You don't love me anymore!" And then I would have to spend however long convincing him I still loved him....I knew the way he was acting was not right, but didn't know what it was. After years of it, I came to understand why my mother drank.

[@chanettelaing4664]

Same I feel like that now as a grown woman. He doesnt care if I get married, never asked me how I am, and never said 'I love you'. Never took me out shopping or out to eat.....Only calls his male friends but never me when I was at university or never celebrated me when I got a new job ... he definitely won't be walking me down the aisle!!!

[@sevananazarian3086]

Wow. I am just absolutely shocked at how your experience mirrors mine. I had to immediately run and say hello "properly" otherwise I'd be in big trouble (lots of yelling and abusive behavior). The same went for friends. If they didn't go say hello, I'd get a talking to after they left. He also constantly takes EVERYTHING personally and finds some angle of feeling offended by something I say or do and CONSTANTLY needs reassurance that he looks young for his age.

[@noziphotshabalala5018]

You described my dad word for word. And I also didn’t realise this till this year when I got into a huge fight with him. When he’s angry, he really reveals that side of him that he has gotten really good at concealing from others. And it messed me up a bit, especially when I didn’t have awareness because one minute he’s really supportive and loving and then the next all these toxic traits come up. It was confusing for me.

[@nicoleclark3352]

My step father was also this way and always needed that constant ego validation that every woman naturally wanted him and couldn’t resist him. Either by him talking about himself on just how good looking he was and how he always had an abundance of “female company” just dying to be around him when he was in high school and then the navy durning his single days before my mother, or he would make comments about either MY friends or my brothers girlfriends discreetly making eyes or comments or advances towards him (which is disturbing and disgusting at the same time and the sole reason I didn’t have many friends come over to my house because he made us all uncomfortable) or it’s females he works with complimenting him and making it obvious they “want” him because they compliment how he smells the best or how nice looking he is or what a good man he is and how lucky my mother is to be his wife and they would love the chance to have him to themselves, while he “jokes” and transparently delights and takes some kind of twisted pride in talking about how BAD women want him and is always followed by the response of “but I’m happily married to your mama and I’m not going anywhere”.. Like he would always try to make my mom feel jealous or something. Low key always felt like he was trying to generate some type of reaction from me when he would go on and on about other females or make what he calls “jokes” about asking if my friends are “sluts” and then laughing. Completely disgusting behavior.

[@ensulalachance8353]

When he would finally drop us off at our mom's place after a week-end at his place, he would observe my sister and I's behavior, and he felt like we untied the seat belts too quickly for his taste, he would complain that we couldnt wait to be done with him! So we had to slowly untie the seat belts the next time, with a disinterested look on our faces. How much time was wasted on protecting his fragile self esteem, at the cost of our own

[@joannecartwright2905]

They are so good up to a certain age when you blindly adore them. But once you start to succeed or question their status it can have the opposite effect. You can be put down reminded you are not better and he is the one, the one who knows everything . Your successes are nothing special. Pointing out flaws in the mother is so true.

[@macajab6236]

True

[@BagznBirdz]

After I started to question my father and his motivations for treating me terribly, he distanced me from my sister and of his side of the family. My sister got angry at me for not respecting our dear, perfect father who always got treated so terribly by me.

[@julianab9903]

Yes.

[@macajab6236]

@@BagznBirdz damn, that's exactly what happened to me

[@drS5]

Is my father your father...lol

[@clarewarp1384]

So true, my dad was a popular guy with lots of friends. I totally internalised the emotional abuse and blamed myself for falling short.

[@abdallahelamin2666]

Expose yourself to good and empathic people, interactions and relationships to make yourself accustomed to healthy relationships And find inner self esteem and self love so you wouldn’t need external validation You Were Born Free, Discover This Freedom 😉, peace and love 💜

[@liabooth399]

Totally relate

[@astridthepastrid]

same! i always thought there must be a side of my dad that i need to get to. what kind of unhealthy dynamic is that, where a child knows their dad so little (he was always an enigma) because the dad neglects the child emotionally, and now the child thinks they must earn that side of their dad

[@Nokss87]

Mine too

[@cicigardner2593]

Same with me

[@renaissancep7502]

And after all this trauma.. the daughter chooses partners resembling her father... I have tried everything but I can't break this pattern. His shadow is going to chase me to my grave..

[@suras8984]

I had this issue and I’m still working on it. One pattern was that I kept meeting men that did not have time for me and would breadcrumb me. I learned about attachment styles and reprogramming the subconscious mind. I realized I have to change the stories I tell myself. I started saying over and over that men want to give me their time and prioritize me. I am valuable and worthy. I am first choice. I kept saying these things over to try to reprogram my subconscious. I met a guy right after that invested his time in me and would drive an hour to see me several times a week. I see this as progress and hope that I can reprogram all my childhood wounds.

[@irina3758]

No, you can break out of it. I did, it's possible, don't let your father take the life away from you, he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve anything from you other than pity.

[@pinapardoki9708]

Wow 😳 i will not cry .. but this damn be the same story what I face!!😭😭😤 My father is a narcissistic plus he has mental illness like schizophrenia. Now at the age of 29, I struggle to meet a good guy because the only men that I attract are men who are narcissist or has mental illness... I don’t know how to break this.. Why do we attract the same men as our father? While we deserve a good men, I only attract the bad.

[@pinapardoki9708]

@@suras8984 Omgg please teach me 😭😭😔 So good of you so strong that you work on healing yourself

[@pinapardoki9708]

@@Puuws What I also don’t find fair is that women who got good childhood and a supportive father marries good guys. I dunno it this is my opinion or a real perspective. And women who had a hard life and sad problematic childhood with no father, attracts bad men. Am I wrong? No right..

[@marlo.candeea]

I might add an 8th one: being jealous of the child's achievements, even if they contributed to these achievements in the first place and even if the child never really cared and was rather forced to go for it. This jealousy can be channelled into emotional blackmailing such as "if it wasn't for me you'd be nothing". In this way the narcissistic parent has an outlet for resentment and can keep the child from seeking independence.

[@milamus4758]

That's so true.

[@mamabear-9.18.18]

Yes! And they must always be the 1st in everything you do. Dad taught me to 1st ride a bike, take me on an airplane, open a bank account, drive a car, get a cellphone, etc. I was called, a "Better wife than my mother ever was", and he would constantly sabotage and/or compete with my boyfriends.

[@NunYaO]

@@mamabear-9.18.18 same experience...mine would sabotage anything that he didn't feel was accredited to him adequately just to point out what a failure I am! (Still does)

[@hannmatt1933]

Yes I am a witnessed in that case you pointed out. Thanks for mentioning it. I thought I was a judgmental person all the time.

[@ynmk093]

Celeste I always hear that from my dad

[@TigerLilyNo13]

Like others have mentioned, my NPD father was my hero until I was in my early 30s and I began to see him for who he was. The manipulation and bullying was unreal. Sending out love and healing to other survivors of narcissistic abuse. ♥️

[@franciscapena3622]

What did you do when you found out? Did you go to therapy? And is it only you or do you have siblings?

[@TigerLilyNo13]

@@franciscapena3622 I have siblings. I’ve been in psychotherapy on and off since then. It really helps.

[@franciscapena3622]

@@TigerLilyNo13 thanks for answering! I am glad that it helps! Do your siblings get therapy too? I hope you are all doing great❣️

[@TigerLilyNo13]

@@franciscapena3622 my siblings are still in denial.

[@sunnycatc6491]

I'm glad you're aware now. Sadly, my 2 adult kids are still under my ex narc's spell, and so much damage has been done to our relationship, I think it will be too late if/ when they ever wake up. These demons spread their evil ways through generations.

[@itslaurenbrennan348]

Thank you so much for this video. 22 years of abuse and trauma and I’m finally breaking off everything with my dad. I’ve always felt an enormous amount of hate towards him. Yet, he always claims he is the victim. He has always been jealous of my mom because I had a better relationship with her. I didn’t know so many other people dealt with this

[@sierrachief117]

My situation to the T. If I described it more, you will be grossed out. Constant death threats to me and my mother(is afraid of dogs), threatening to ruin my career at any job I do, send me to jail after hitting my forehead on the wall. All this when I fought back. His delusional authority and power was hit. Can't do house chores, have never cared for anyone besides himself and money. I'm just waiting for the right time to hit the hornet's nest. Cut all connections.

[@yaelfeder9042]

Same!

[@rando42069]

Omg it's like an epidemic. I agree, I didn't realize so many of us experienced similar family dynamics.

[@suzanneoldfield921]

Neither did I. There seems to be so much written about Narc mothers and their sons but hardly ANYTHING written about fathers and daughters. This is the only info I ever need - thank you Dr Todd - you have confirmed that it’s not just in my head. EVERY SINGLE items is true.

[@tietearoddy]

My father did that mess with me on memorial day just showed up with over the people to take pictures. I never answered the door.

[@ameliel8792]

I already started crying the moment you said that while in that situation at the time, the daughter of the narcissist may actually think he is good. Just resonates so much. My father made himself my whole world - I wasn't allowed to disagree with him, have my own thoughts, I was parentified to the point of worrying about him constantly, was put on a pedestal only for him to seem to delight in devaluing me as he seemed to have extreme envy towards most people. To love someone that much at such a young age and be manipulated in that way just feels impossible to heal still. It's so hard to have a life now as I just don't understand how to have a functioning relationship. I wish this curse did not exist. If parents realise something is seriously wrong with the person they are coparenting with they need to take strong decisive action and get them away from that person.

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

Same here.

[@narcbegone1507]

Hi amelie, this is your sock puppet account :) remember me? It was so much fun chatting on that other channel. I have been wondering what happened to your posts on that video, but it hasn't been the same without you :).

[@somewhereinthemidwest9827]

Being a co parent with a narcissist is pure evil hell. Story too long to tell. Every situation different. Practice empathy for all that lived within a narcissist abusive relationship. They all get damaged and it takes years to recover.

[@katherinebruce500]

You can heal, especially with the power of prayer. God is your true Father and He loves you.

[@kendraflynnkk7218]

Joni absolutely right ! Recognize get some good counseling , and learn the true act of Love ... Love for yourself and your fellow humans sharing many of these expieriances , it’s easy to get wrapped up in self pity , and that’s not healthy either but you can overcome . Love is needed though not hate ❣️❣️❣️

[@NellieFly]

The rages are pure projection. Everything he hates about himself, he rages at me about. Done and done.

[@edl6398]

Exactly. And that rage can be contagious. It’s taught as a way to release insecurity and fear. Then that requires a whole new round of therapy!!

[@bereal6590]

That's my father in a nutshell. He knew when I was really small that I was smarter than him. He tore that down because it threatened how he feels about himself. He is unbelievably selfish. What's worse is my mother trying to convince me that this is love.

[@OceanaK1]

This describes both of my parents. They were only interested in how they looked as parents to the rest of the world, not if they really tried to be good parents.

[@goodmorningsundaymorning4533]

We would go to church EVERY Sunday as a family. The ride in the car to church was constant yelling screaming insults but as soon as we pulled into church parking lot and opened the car doors we were the perfect family until church was over and we got back into the car and the car door closed then came the screaming yelling insults.

[@nodiggity9472]

@@goodmorningsundaymorning4533 Quite right too. I hate it when people start having a row in Church.

[@Aya-ki1pw]

i think the most frustrating thing about my dad being perceived as a “perfect dad” outside of my house is all my friends tell me that i’m overreacting when i talk abt how much trauma he’s caused me, they think i’m ungrateful because i have “the best dad” and he could never do anything to mentally hurt me

[@jericanelson3857]

And this is why I'm afraid to talk about it. The manipulation abusers have can be so powerful, it's so sad. It's like wow what do I do now.

[@zloimorfei9930]

Omg I can relate so much. Most of my friends say “why are you always so negative about your dad? I think he’s a good guy”, or that I am over exaggerating, or that I am ungrateful. People almost always take his side and never listen to mine.

[@Amalgam.of.Fxcking.Heathens]

I rebuke that. You will heal and find peace, abundance and love in every place you are--- starting within. I love you because I do. You've been hurt into destitution as they want you to praise them unnaturally. You are always loved and regardless, you will prevail.

[@eligreen7925]

@@zloimorfei9930 I know this sounds harsh but our friends are not necessarily the best people to talk about it with especially if they have only seen that one side of your father please be kind to yourself loving to yourself accepting of yourself and loving to those who are good to you and that you care about and helpful to others who need your help just saying

[@barbiegott8847]

Wow, so true

[@CaToRi-]

My father did almost everything Dr Grande said, but I never believed my dad loved me. I felt suffocated and humiliated while living with him. In my country, the norm back in the day was to remain living with your parents until getting married... but I couldn’t wait so one day I secretly escaped and never looked back

[@sierrachief117]

Same. How do people become like this? My grandfather was a loving man. Everyone admired him. He treated everyone with respect (was a non toxic person). But my father, oh my god the most salty NPD bastard I've ever seen.

[@buttersstotchyo]

@@sierrachief117 Same, I was very close to my grandfather & my father (his son) is a terror in my life.

[@lesleyvivien2876]

@@sierrachief117 Everyone who (thought they) knew my father said what a delightful man he was. Is there the tiniest possibility that your grandfather had the same effect on the rest of the world?

[@TheFawnbradfield]

@@sierrachief117 Same. My grandad had the heart of a buddha. Genuinely kind and good person. I often wondered how my father came from him. I came to the conclusion that it may have to do with neglect? My grandparents were never really around to raise their 4 kids, always working and volunteering.

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

@@TheFawnbradfield Yes, parents need not to be direct abusive, many are subtile neglectful. P.S. And grandchildren have another relationsship to their grandparents than the parents have.

[@rioreason]

“When you seek to make something perfect, you often end up destroying it.” It’s like I’m my dad’s canvas and he kept fucking with it trying to get it right and inevitably trashed the piece because perfection is IMPOSSIBLE.

[@latinaalma1947]

My daughter would be saying this now if her father had not died when she was seven...but she does not know it...she believes he is the only.person whomhas truly loved her in her life and she has had two husbands and three chi.dren..no one will ever love her like Daddy did. So sad for.those who ,DO.really love her...she doesnt realize the first time she didnt do what he wanted her to do he would have shelved all that attention.

[@kayleethacker1085]

The only difference is, with me, I saw right through my dads narcissistic behavior early on. I never idealized my dad. I knew from for as long as I can remember that the way he acted wasn’t normal and wasn’t okay. My mom and I were always very close and she helped me so much. She was just as much a victim as I was, he treated her like a child sometimes too rather than treating her as a wife. We both hate that we love him so much, but I can’t help it. He’s my dad. And the part about the good memories really hit me because I hold onto the moments where we actually had a heart to heart convo for the first time in years or my graduation or band concert etc. the moments where he seemed involved. I lived for them. And I still do... I hate it. I love him so much but I hate him at the same time... He was barely involved in anything at all though for the first 8 or 9 years of my life. He and my mom are still married , but he was living in the same house but it’s like he was never really there. And when he was he wasn’t there mentally. He would be on his computer a lot and I would have to pull up a chair in order to spend time with him. My entire life I’ve been walking on eggshells, and it never gets easier. But as I’ve gotten older , and what not, i began to form my own opinions and I’m very head strong. And I’m NOT AT ALL afraid to call him out. It’s pretty much impossible for me to just let it go when my dad will gaslight me or my mom or when he is hypocritical or unfair or etc. I’ve always been aware my dad wasn’t what a ‘normal’ dad. But everything else you said was on point. About everyone outside of the family, like friends or other people idealizing the father and saying “wow he must be a great dad” and etc. but in my experience I never idealized him, thankfully. But I never have blamed And never will blame my mom for my dads behavior and actions because i know that she was a victim in the situation too. My mom is my rock, my best friend, and she’s the main reason why I even slightly enjoyed my childhood. She has saved my life countless times. Her and I have been able to keep each other sane through the years of BS. I’m now 19 . I still am currently living at home , with them, and one of the main reasons I am still living at home is because I don’t wanna leave her to go through the shit all alone

[@sangeetharavindran87]

Your story is very touching. I can understand because my daughter is going through similar feelings like yours. She is only 10. I am trying to be the best mom to my daughter, as much as I can be. Stay strong dear. Always strive to be your authentic self.

[@doctorposting]

girl same to all of this❤️

[@Cafeallday222]

Me too but I was the only one who was physically abused. I moved out at 18, my mum has free choice. She is not a dog.

[@RaquelCamilo258]

Are you me? Everything you described is extremely similar to my case. Sending good vibes your way! You’ve been so strong.

[@sangeetharavindran87]

@@redredkroovy I totally understand what you are saying. I can see glimpses of those attempts in my life here and there.

[@coreyanderson1457]

My Dad was mean. He always tried and still tries to say I'm crazy. Sometimes he actually says that. Or he ignored us girls. We all have a lot of issues. Drugs, ending up with sociopaths, not on purpose obviously but, yeah. Not allowed to have ANY boundaries. Physical violence at times. The part that hurt me the most was how he always invalidated most of the things I tried to say. Never felt safe to be myself.

[@nelikoeva4300]

I pray for love and healing! I hope you know you deserve much better, no matter how he treated you.

[@laurieellis3946]

My father all 7 points. “If you love me, you will sacrifice your life for me.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 When I didn’t comply, from the age of around 15 years old... well, just total disregard and by the age of 19, total, total abandonment. Hectic. Thank you so much for this video.

[@kathleenmaryparker8662]

My father told me that if I wasn't actively trying to commit suicide, I didn't have any problems, and was faking when I cried - turns out I have migraines and other chronic pain ...

[@learningtolive284]

How did you do that I'm currently 18yr old and having hard time. Please share how you overcome this trauma

[@Ami-dk9pl]

Thank you for the video, I would appreciate your take on the cold and distant narcissistic father, the unreachable, critical father who treats his daughter as a non-entity.

[@prometheuspredator7971]

Yes, That would be a great video to watch.

[@Gbutler777]

That was my father

[@taylordowning2533]

That was my father too.

[@craz4jaymz]

My dad made me feel like I had zero worth, with no leeway. Just zero...

[@CeeCeeCrafts]

My father in a nutshell. He was also addicted to spending money and buying lottery tickets.

[@LuciaInman]

This was a really good video. I've been looking for a decent one on this topic for a while. So, thank you! Sometimes, once the child has moved out of the narcissistic parent's household (as an adult), they will quickly realize how screwed up the family dynamics were. Once you are exposed to healthy family dynamics on a regular basis, the narcissistic behavior sticks out like a sore thumb. It also blows my mind how the non-narcissistic parent is often abused and yet blamed for all the narcissist's mistakes and abuse. The whole behavior disgusts me and always will.

[@NarcissisticAbuseRehab]

Lucia Inman Valero it’s unfair and destructive how the other parent is scapegoated and smeared 🐑 I wish Dr.Grande would do a video on this topic.

[@neuralmute]

So true! I never realised how incredibly dysfunctional and abusive my own family was until I got the hell out and met people with *healthy* families! My (now completely estranged) father is a malignant narcissist, and I was the eldest daughter/classic scapegoat of the family. Neither my mum or I could do anything right, while my sister got away with murder. We've all escaped him since then, and my sister is the only one who still even sees him, but she won't trust him with her children. I must agree, I feel such disgust and repulsion for the narcissistic attitude!

[@NarcissisticAbuseRehab]

neuralmute I don’t wish Malignant Narcissistic family dynamics on anyone 😬 It often makes for a brutal, loveless environment riddled with rivalries and abuse.

[@neuralmute]

@@NarcissisticAbuseRehab Oh, it was! Decades later, my mum and I are still dealing with CPTSD. I find it impossible to trust men, which is actually more okay than it might be, since I've always been pretty queer, but the lack of self-esteem has been crippling. Add on a fairly recent diagnosis on the Autistic Spectrum that explains all the odd traits that I was abused for in the first place... It's hard not to live filled with regret and resentment, and try to keep moving forward instead. But I'm working on it. ;)

[@NarcissisticAbuseRehab]

neuralmute I’m very moved by your story. I think you and your mother are incredibly brave 💐 I’m happy you had each other in what was probably a psychological war zone. The torture a malignant narcissistic parent inflicts on their scapegoat child and hostage spouse should be criminalized.

[@MC-342]

My dad was so controlling. I don't know why, he didn't even like me. He wanted a boy so he called me a boy's name my entire life. Anything he did for me was to make himself look good. I wasn't allowed my own interests,career, relationships... nothing. You nailed it right on the head. Years of therapy and no one explained it like you did. Thank you🙏

[@SculptExpress-gv8jp]

The same. He wanted a boy and my mother felt as a failure by not giving him much wanted boy, do she became his enabler and often initiator of abuse. Many, far too many years of physical violence and psychological abuse followed by both of them. Freakishly, I tried making them look better in front of others. I made other people believe that I drove them crazy, as if it was all my fault. In reality, I was a no problem child and teen. I did very well at school, never brought any scandals home or anything that would tarnish their reputation. But, I felt terribly embarrassed to have such mean and aggressive parents. I wanted to be from a “nice family” as all of my friends were, so I continued covering up their abusive behavior. It was awful. Now that I have my own life, I shiver thinking back in what dangerous situations I was with the two of them. I am certain that if one of them killed me (easily with a hard kick or strike), or if I killed myself, they would feel absolutely nothing and would find the way to convince the world that I deserved it somehow. There were truly hairy situations. It was terrible. I think lots of people knew what I was going through, but nobody helped me. Gosh, the onlookers just stayed onlookers, apart from the two or three occasions where few real heroes jumped in my defense. Later in life, my father became extremely upset and probably jealous that I made life quite successful without him/them. His rages never ceased, there was always one or the other reason. He was deeply unhappy if I was happy. Strange. I still can’t figure out narcissism.

[@skylamaytasch6863]

This sounds exactly like my father. He would always say, “I only love the part of you that’s me”

[@kathleenmaryparker8662]

I wish my father had had that much insight - he would shout "fake ! fake !" and hit me ("I'll give you something to cry about !") when my "mental problems" weren't *just like his* (he was bipolar I) - turns out I inherited migraine & chronic pain problems *from my mom's mom's side of the family* - not his mania at all ! (Though I spent about 20 years being drugged up and hospitalized as if I *were* manic-depressive ... beginning with meds at age ten ... )

[@TT-rz5td]

That is sick.

[@midnightcoffee6463]

Lucky you - mine literally told me to do myself a favour and never get married and never have kids, when I was a kid :/

[@epicmercury333]

My gosh, this is so sad. The level of manipulation is just tragic. I'm so glad I encouraged my daughter to follow own her potential.

[@1tinyshmitten364]

James Vitale king

[@sahrah6788]

adopt me

[@yummy.crayon]

Sahra H ye me too

[@TheConqueror009]

@Earth Citizen my mother stole my life, my child hood and now she escapes ownership from it by saying I'm responsible for my own decisions.

[@TheConqueror009]

@Earth Citizen so I have to choose: move forward in agony or be stagnate and suffer.

[@jade4897]

Knowing all these tendencies, I see my past and present. My father refuses therapy and believes everyone is against him, lives through me as his favorite, and is mentally abusive by shaming me if I mess up. Time to leave this toxic man to heal properly.

[@confile]

I am actually crying. This is my dad, through and through. He always took, never gave back, but made it seem like he was the best, the blueprint which I should follow. Thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy for feeling so emotionally drained by him.

[@runningsrage5895]

“You perceive things differently.” “You have something wrong with your mind.” “Your perception of reality is not normal.” “You perceive things that aren’t there.” (My Narc dad)

[@KasieMusic]

A perfect definition of gaslighting

[@Fido-vm9zi]

He's obviously jealous. Thank God you perceive differently than him!!!!

[@sarahgc434]

Are we siblings?! Cause listen…😮

[@swiatlowiekuiste]

Never said sorry, but rather 'if you see it this way'

[@JM-pr9mk]

Dr. Grande, I have four children three boys and one girl. Their father is very high on the scale for NPD. What I noticed is your video describes to me a narcissistic father with a golden child daughter. In my particular situation, our daughter was the scapegoat so she was not treated in the way that you illustrated here. Our oldest child a son, was treated this way because he was extremely good at athletics And his father was not so he totally lived through him during his high school and college years. My daughter saw through him and she has cut all contact and it has been the smartest thing she ever did. It’s been two years and she has no regrets and is living a very healthy life now.Of course she goes to therapy every week.

[@saradejesus9869]

I, too, was the scapegoat daughter and my brothers were my father's 'love targets'

[@cruxgemmata1]

I'm so happy for your daughter

[@therevenant320]

So sorry to hear this.... Unfortunately, after actually researching on narcissism I understood my father also has NPD. His narcissistic rage and the control freak he is is literally psycho. Now my dad is 84 and his rage has increased. He’s completely senile like 100%. People will NPD cannot change. They just can’t. It becomes worse in the future. He also to used to beat me up a lot when I was a kid. Insulted and abused me at home. But a gem of a guy in front of others ( outside people ) at social gatherings. When I was a kid I never understood. These people are psychos! Now when a young Male / female has NPD, sorry to say this, they will always cheat and lie on their partners! Since the lack empathy. Narcissists always bring up narcissistic children. Some children try to fight off the mental, physical abuse. The ones who can’t, adopt it.

[@jazminreglores6520]

How did she do it? I need advice

[@bluebird4815]

Omg i am in your daughter's exact situation.

[@jcat7553]

Idealize, devalue, discard

[@NunYaO]

Exactly! I've said for awhile that it's impossible for my father to be "proud" of more that one of us at a time...for many years he'd play that emotional pride-of-place against my sister and I...and revel in the competition that we battled with each other for what we saw as "affection"...leaving the other as the disappointment, failure, ungrateful, and expectant "bad" child. I saw him doing this with my own children when they were younger and had to have a serious discussion with both of them to prepare them for his games...explaining that he has mental issues that they need to be aware of. How sad is that?!

[@heidihooper5131]

when I was 16 - I wrote in my notebook my father worshipped and condemned me in the same breath.

[@gabbysayshi9184]

Hello Dr. Grande, daughter of a narcissist father here in your comment section for the first time since finding your videos. Thank you for them btw! They're extremely informative for me. I'm 28 and I've always known that there was something wrong with my father, though I couldn't ever seem to put a name to what it was. Since leaving a toxic relationship four years ago I've put a lot of time into trying to find out what was wrong with the person I was with and ultimately what was wrong with myself, and more importantly my parents. I learned of narcissism and antisocial personality disorder amongst a lot of other things. Only in the past couple of months however have I really found examples of the kind of behavior I remember growing up with. I'm haunted at the realization that my personality doesn't feel like my own but only a reflection of the survival skills I learned from infancy. Anyway, your video really elaborated my thoughts for me and I feel alot better about continuing to put my life on track to understanding myself and my situation better.

[@breexcee]

You explained my relationship with my father in this video. He is emotionally absent and he has controlled my life. He wouldn’t let me hangout with certain friends, controlled what college I should go too and what major I should pick. He brags about me to all of the people he knows. He controlled my bank account and had a fit when he found out I created my own bank account. He complains about my mom EVERY DAY... which is annoying because my mom is my best friend!! I don’t even want to be around him most days. I’ve had my friends talk about how blessed I am because of my father but no one understands how irritating he can be. I truly feel like he has ruined certain parts of my life where I could have grown as a person. Now I’m struggling to find my own identity.

[@queenofthebutterflies5212]

The penny just dropped!!! Thankyou SO MUCH, you have explained my experience PERFECTLY. "Adored today, forgotten tomorrow." I was certainly that. As soon as I became independent during adolescence I was told I was disgusting and physical abuse from my brother was permitted. I was the "perfect child" until I wanted to be me. I'm 40 now and still trying to heal from what happened to me 😢

[@real-x4242]

Me too!

[@anthonyramirez7272]

This was a good video. The part that resonated with me the most was the part about the narcissistic father complaining about the mother. My dad does that a lot and I wish he could talk nicely about my mom because I love her and she’s awesome. Anyways, I digress. The one thing I’m curious about is if it’s possible for men to have daddy issues? I myself, as a man, will fully admit right here and now that I have daddy issues. My dad is emotionally distant and it just feels like he never cares. I would like to hear what you think about my question. Thank you for all the insight on narcissistic parental relationships, it truly helps in ways I can’t express.

[@puresoul1368]

Its true men desire approval and affirmation from their dads. Sad our sons are experiemcing the same they are 19 and 15. The 19 one is the scape goat and he has ignored him so that he hasnt the boy has distanced from him. I also came to learn about this narcissism recently am trying to come to terms with the craziness.

[@Nitya-r86]

Yup, men can definitely have daddy issues. Claire Byrd is right in her comment- men with daddy issues are more often than not, very hypervigilant and hypersensitive when it comes to criticism from other men. They are highly likely to display anger towards other men along with hyper-competitive tendencies. Insecurity is another common trait seen in such men. This often manifests itself in tendencies to put other men down.

[@AnnieTexan]

Anthony Ramirez I think it’s called the Father Wound.

[@RosanneSol]

My father did this to my older sister (my mom died when we were young so I guess he needed another scapegoat...) causing huge fights and chaos between both me and my sister and my sister and my dad. My sister always blamed me for being the favorite while I felt like I just had a good or 'normal' relationship with him. I really, really hated my sister for years. She wasn't always an angel but she didn't deserve his wrath and eventually exclusion. I guess he thrived under 'divide and conquer' so to speak. I didn't realize all this till maybe just a few months ago and it's really hard to admit that I didn't see it all these years growing up. But I also know I shouldn't blame myself for his manipulation. Children are literally evolutionarily wired to not question their parents. Children have no options. Now me and my sister have no relationship at all, while it all could have been so different. I hope I can restore this one day.

[@lorisutherland7728]

What about the absent father due to drug and alcohol abuse? And how to help children thru this?

[@Sihayajoni]

Thank you Dr Grande! These videos are helping me sort out my past. One type you didn't mention is when the narc father vilifies the daughter. He decided at one point (when I was quite young) that I was a "slut" (not true), and accused me of sleeping with everyone in town. In later years I found a dirty book in his garage about a young girl who was sleeping with everybody in town. I believe he pasted this character over me, and he seemed to actually believe it. He would shout and yell about things that were not true, and gave me complexes. These videos help me to unravel the nonsensical ravings of his mental illness. I always wanted to make sense of him, but there is no sense to be made when you have a moving target, with his defenses adjusting to every situation. He's gone now, but he left many scars.

[@daliababy6361]

Sihayajoni same here it’s crazy

[@xero6396]

My father called me a slut too even though it was not true. I married my first boyfriend.

[@KasieMusic]

This sounds much more like bpd!!

[@Sihayajoni]

@@KasieMusic can you elaborate on that?

[@KasieMusic]

@@Sihayajoni BPDs have the trait of believing they have a sort of psychic skill and know unknown things about other people - so e.g. my BPD mom would tell me she knows in my heart I don't want to marry my husband (I did want, of course), or when I complained about sexual harassment at work would tell me she feels strongly the harasser is the right guy to marry and she always knew I would marry someone at work (didn't happen, luckily other people helped me out) - also very often accusing me and other family members of very nasty intentions etc., this is typical BPD, a little paranoid. So your description of your dad reading about a "slut" girl and then believing he identified you as a slut, matches BPD really well. I've never heard about anything the like with NPD (but I'm not a specialist).

[@ashleythibault5434]

Watching this whole video has made me shake my head over my own father. It describes him to the T. To everyone out there who have also experienced a parent or both parents like this, all my love and prayers go out to you in your journey of healing. You are not alone 🙏🏻 ❤️ 💜 💖

[@aricarter6523]

I can agree. My dad favored me out of all his kids and complained to me about my mom and even told me things that went on in their marriage at a very young age, which he manipulated me to take sides in their marriage. I had to learn all of this the hard way through several heartbreaks with men. After my last heartbreak, I finally saw my dad for who he really was. I idolized him and when those rose colored glasses fell off it was a hard pill for me to swallow. I realized why I was attached to these bad men and also I realized how “co-dependent” I really was. I never felt loved by my dad or my mom, even the look in their eyes. Empty shells.

[@tannwich5350]

Thanks for validating how much we repeat the patterns we learned in our family. It's a tough one.

[@beckb8409]

What is that! Their eyes have no depth or something 🤢 😢

[@giseltaver9565]

Wow! This completely describes my dad.. I was always confused on why he would help me then seemed jealous and say I had succeeded because of him.

[@samarahaq4958]

he never lets you authentically appreciate, value, and enjoy life. always on his own terms.

[@tinekezoet2078]

Thank you for posting. It took me nearly 40 years to discover that my father is narcissistic and my mum his right hand man. I too adored my father as a girl. My sister was the scapegoat and he totally ignored and dismissed her. As she is not his biological daughter. Cracks started to appear on this perfect picture he was trying to hold up when I switched to a different career path later in life. I didn't understand he was so rude and dismissive about my choice. Now I am a parent myself, I only just realise what a destructive family we were. He totally ignores me and our daughter but if we are in public or with friends he is perfectly charming.. It's still painfull.

[@gabnieto6574]

We always thought my dad was narcissistic growing up while my mum was 'the victim', yet my father hits only some narcissistic characteristics while my mum hits 9/9.

[@Andromeda_M31]

I heard someone say couples that are together a long time where there's an overt narc, the other spouse is convert (the victim) but actually enables the overt.

[@darciee.7337]

Same. 😳

[@ФаридаКрыльяИсиды]

Same here, I was caught up in the illusion my mum is an innocent victim, a gentle angel suffering from a wicked abuser & tyrant (my dad was that way to me)... But I was in the dark about my mother's rampant narcissism. It worsened with age, she's not just grandiose but highly toxic. And I came to see the vulnerable side of my father, as well as his gentle side. Our relationship is so much better these days, although there's no intimacy or emotional bond (my dad's issues preclude that), and nowadays I find more support in him than ever (and in my mum). The thing I realized recently is that trying to be close with the mother lead to a lot of pain & upholding my illusions about her

[@pkushwaha3048]

I am very sure my father is narcissistic. And my mother was always a victim. He abused her 1000 times physically mentally... he have no respect for her nor me. He only does dark empathy to manipulate us. And he pretends to be a good person outside. He only feels 2% guilt for his mistakes and doesn't mind to make more...

[@h.borter5367]

Actually, my father was never there for me. I was invisible, dismissed, belittled etc Extremely controlling, oh yes. I distance myself from him as much as possible now.

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

I broke up the 'relationship', because there is none...

[@amysayadi8918]

Good, i try to do the same. He tries coming back into my life

[@kemeee5407]

To the OP; exact same here. While my father would take my brother skiing every winter weekend; or hiking in the fall, of renting jetski's for a weekend at Block Island....I was NEVER asked, nor was ever expecting to be asked to be included. My Mom keeps trying to drill it into my head that it's not because my brother is loved more by my father-but rather-"boy's just get along and have more in common with their Dad's."

[@janeva789]

Me too

[@janeva789]

@@kemeee5407 if it helps any it was the same way with me.

[@lizsalloom]

The subject on fathers is not spoken of enough. Thank you for your contribution

[@doombuggy123]

“[Narc] fathers are not typically considered good fathers, in the way that most people define ‘good’.” Thank you for both the clarity and the laughter.

[@kimberlyrichardson9869]

My relationship with my father checks all the boxes. I've identified a therapist. I'll schedule an appointment tomorrow. Thanks for your work. You are saving lives.

[@Kristen10-22]

I substituted “father” for mother & you are SPOT ON! Being raised by a narc mom it’s done a number on me & Im 46! I have Bpd & cptsd. Thanks for your video

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

Dear Dr. Grande, thank you very, very much for this helpful video. Signs number 1, 3, 4 and 5 are what I have experienced in my live. I had to reinvent/reconstruct a great part of my identity in my 30s and 40s to survive as a person because that merged identity doesn't fit to my nature in most parts. I was at the end of my rope with it. Extremely painful experience, the whole thing almost killed me.

[@diamondsngunns88]

Mrs. Reluctant I'm so glad you made it through 💜💜💜

[@aprilarlidge2807]

My dad left when I was 4, came back when I invited him to my wedding at 25. He never apologized and continued to insult me, demean me, and expect me to serve him and unconditionally love him. He was never at fault but heaped fault upon me. We no longer speak and he doesn't care.

[@misshoneynevercame4832]

I'm sorry that happened to you. However I'm trying to understand why you would want someone you basically don't know at your wedding? It's just blood ties at that point.

[@doll.ov.poetrii4682]

@@misshoneynevercame4832 It's her dad. It's not like, a distant cousin or a long lost friend or a childhood teacher or something, it's a parent so it's different; even if you haven't seen them in years.

[@doll.ov.poetrii4682]

I have a similar situation. Last month, I finally reunited with my father who I haven't seen in 2O years; he visited when I was 6, left, and never came back. My dad did apologize, but he also insulted me and my husband and the goals I have for my life, blamed his absence nearly completely on my mom, and is controlling AF. I'm about ready to cut him off already, he seems to be a narc just like my mom! Something inside of me thought he would be a healthy parent...I guess I was wrong! 😔

[@Itshistory_itspoetry]

I felt like this entire video was used as a real life example of life with my dad. Thank you for this. Although it’s sad, it’s nice to connect to something and have all that confusion cleared up.

[@amyberneking6306]

It's absolutely breaks my heart. After watching this video I came to the realization as too why my 13-year-old daughter has suddenly pulled away from me and seems to hold some resentment towards me. What's even sadder is the Narcissistic father has sole custody and we live across state from each other. Lord help me! 🙏 Thank you for making this information available, even though it's gut-wrenching, it is also very eye opening.

[@rethafourie6583]

When you are treated like background noise but other people talk how highly he values you.... actions don't add up, I turned into something good only because of him.....other people see me as a very Rebel and disrespectful daughter but I'll fight for my humanity!! Thank you for this video....I really needed to hear this!

[@elliewillow4556]

My dad is for sure one.. I want to hate him but I love him so much. I’m never good enough for him. I constantly crave his approval, but will never get it.

[@larasita11]

This was a really well-articulated mix of so-called or perceived "good" qualities and actions of this type of father, with alternating and/or later discard/ disinterest/ disrespect/ discouragement/ / gaslighting/ abandonment which constitute an overall atmosphere of abuse, when viewed at the end of the day.. When viewed at mid-life. I wrote poems about all of this starting at age 8, began asking spiritually-oriented questions at age 9, acted out in a small way and then became a model child & student & daughter for the next 7 years. As a child I was my Mother's confidant & emotional suppprt. As a young woman, I was my father's confidant & emotional support. As a middle-aged woman, I had to face the fact that my father was actively, covertly trying to kill my mother, and to make her feel she was crazy and in danger of being committed to an asylum in the meantime. Among other evidence of these things were my mother's frequent JOKES about this!! She had a measure of awareness about his motives. It's all so incredibly sad. All of the beautiful qualities we all could have cultivated and expessed out into the world... My father died after orchestrating both his maximum legacy of what a great guy he was - with the public, with extended family and friends - and his maximun revenge on really the entire immediate family, with me as the primary target, my mother as the secondary target, and plenty of venom and propaganda to create a permant rift between my brother and me (visibly) and my mother (covertly). It's all so incredibly sad and wasteful.

[@timmyleary9232]

One of the strange thing about living with a narcissist is that you begin to ask yourself whether you are the narcissist. I feel both relieved and crushed to realize my daughter probably has it after watching this video

[@ashmarie5424]

What about the narcissistic indifferent father? That sounds like my dad 100%, never knew what was wrong with him (other than ocd and agoraphobia)

[@amber40494]

My dad was aloof and narcissistic. He was a WW2 vet, would scream and rage, constantly demean us, and threaten me if I quarreled with my younger sister who was his favorite. I loved the piano and I still remember him coming in while I was practicing and saying to me in a rough voice, "Dont you have anything better to do? Clean this house!". A therapist told me to forgive him because he was crazy from the war. My dad never forgave me for moving out of state, didnt speak to me for years.

[@200iluvhorses]

#6 and 7 could sum up my entire relationship with my dad. My dad is constantly insulting my mother (separated) and shaming me anytime I show any characteristic that seems too similar to her. If my mom makes a mistake or says something he doesn’t like then I face that wrath and get scolded for her choices, despite the fact that her choices and mistakes affect me just as much as they do him. Anytime I express excitement over an accomplishment it’s immediately shut down bc I’m being “annoying” or a “know it all”. I’m glad I realized what was happening fairly early on so now I can try to mend my worldview and way of interacting with other people. He ruined the way I saw myself for a long time and I still have to catch myself and remember to be kind.

[@sarahgc434]

“You’re just like your mother.” “Thank you.”-me “It wasn’t a compliment.” “It is to me.”- me “Figures.That’s part of what’s wrong with you. Mommy’s defender.” “Sure.”-me

[@jaspreetb1547]

Wow. Thank you so much. I am grateful for this video. My whole life I knew something was off. I was in emotional distress blaming myself. You have confirmed what I needed to hear and know. 7/7 fit and now I can finally move on and not feel guilty about trying to be independent. Thank you so much ❤ This video is super well put together. Am definitely relieved.

[@melissahecht8908]

This is my narcissistic ex husband with our 7-year-old daughter. The parts that she has been old enough to experience are spot on. If nothing else, this validates everything I have experienced. I pray for her constantly because she still idolizes him and I worry so much about her future relationship with him (and me!). Thank you for the video!

[@joymontgomery593]

THINGSwill change,when she become a teenager or want to be her own independent self.That is what happened to me.. You don,t want him telling you how to dress all the time and canT have a boyfriend! Among many other things gs!

[@arianne6844]

Is it getting any better? My 13 year old daughter & her narc father, my ex, are spot on with this video. Unfortunately my daughter too is severely narcissistic. I hope there's hope!!

[@violets7775]

I realised that, when my father called me ungrateful he really meant disobedient. That was liberating! He also forced me to learn violin when I really loved piano. My healing is his biggest injury. My soul is whole again and he can't touch it.

[@gypsy-nr9zd]

haha this describes my dad to a T. “I want the best for you!!” is all I’d hear growing up. Yet spankings and beatings for simple things isn’t effective. And the “this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts u.” almost every time he’d beat me or my siblings. And he tried to keep me from joining the Marines just because he never completed OCS at Quanico for the Marines himself. Even though I was taking the boot camp route, not the OCS one.

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

I never thought of a narcissist father as anything other than being misogynistic to a daughter. I totally didn't know about any of this till this video.

[@gypsy-nr9zd]

Kathrin Johnson Exactly!! He used to tell my brother that men were smarter than women and had to lead the household. Women were too sensitive and emotional. I’d rage at him and he’d tell me to stop being sensitive. Which throughout the years turned into “I’m not saying ur bipolar, but u have the symptoms.” My brother didn’t even agree with him. Even my brother called him narcissistic. And so did my sister who’s getting a PhD in psychology. Now the tables have turned and I, in an unintended way, manipulate him. Usually into buying things. It’s funny how the world works.

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

@@gypsy-nr9zd wow. I'm glad that you have power over him now. That must have be horrible to grow up with.

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

@@gypsy-nr9zd may ask is or was your dad religious at all? The misogynistic men I often see hid behind the bible as an excuse for their problems with female family members.

[@gypsy-nr9zd]

Kathrin Johnson Hell yes. He’s still a crazy religious buff/Jesus freak. He wanted us all to get baptized in Hawaii (where I originally grew up(. Me and my siblings were gonna go just to get to go to Hawaii. Not because any of us give a crap about being baptized

[@Sahity]

But how to recover or protect against this type of personality?

[@Sahity]

@@samf.s8786 that’s why i do prefer dogs

[@aishwaryas5734]

Step1 - Grey Rock Step 2 -No contact Step 3 -Therapy

[@amandalindwurmvlogs8700]

Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is definitely effective in healing.

[@goodmorningsundaymorning4533]

@@aishwaryas5734 be careful with therapy. Make sure to vet the therapist bcuz alot of therapist are narcs themselves. Or pretend to know nothing about narcissism.

[@ohhello937]

I believe I had this idolized relationship until age 7. My father started cheating on my mother & continued to do so multiple times in my childhood. Emotional abuse and abandonment every time he'd leave for whoever he was with. When he was done he would come back & be a "great dad". All his friends always love him, he makes everyone believe he's such a wonderful person. While I fault my mom for taking him back all those times I was lucky to have her. He could never trick me like he did everyone else because my mom was the only one really showing up for me or caring for me when no one was watching. Unfortunately the abuse still got to me as I do the "never good enough, I need to do more" daily.

[@lizaholmes8854]

WOW. This video is SPOT on, I’m in tears, it’s all so clear and this was my life. Sad.

[@Jan-ee5vw]

After about 3 years of therapy because of the way my dad reacts to my spouse, everything you say in this video WAS my experience. I’m happy to say you can unravel this and feel free of these chains with awareness of it and intention to heal yourself ❤. Thank you for putting this out.

[@dinuviviana]

Great video! Dr. Grande, do you think you could talk about the fear of death in a future video? I think that'd be interesting. It affects people differently.

[@sherlock7687]

It took until I was 50yrs old to realise that my Father was a narcissist. It all just suddenly fell into place but the damage had already been done. He's own Father was worse than he was. But what makes me angry is, as a young teenager I swore my children would never be made to feel how I felt back then, so why didn't he have that attitude. He says you lead by example, but I'm not the parent he was. I have a great relationship with my Son & the love I have for him would never allow me to treat him that way. That hurts too. I still remember back was I was around 7 or 8yrs old, I really struggled to tell the time...back then no digital, it was big hand, little hand...I used to dread him suddenly saying in front of everyone 'whats the time then. But I could spell really well. I came home from school & thrust my results to him saying look Dad I got 15 out of 15 for my spellings. He looked at it calmly & said, 'that's all well & good but you still can't tell the time', I was crushed. Now as an adult I can look at myself back then & it is beyond me how he managed to be so cruel. All what you have said in your video I can relate to. I stopped looking for his approval years ago as I found it draining. But as ridiculous as it sounds, even now as an adult, when I do get it right & he's 'pleased' with me, I'm still 'grateful' for his praise. Crazy I know. Thank you for your videos.

[@thenightporter]

I am in my late 40s and sadly still try to get approval. Because of the pandemic/depression/anxiety/meds/ injury I went from a size 12 to 16. And whenever I have something good happen or accomplish a small goal (which is very hard with depression) it's "now you just need to lose weight" or "now you need to clean your garage ." ( my garage looks a lot better than 80% of other garages. It is not dirty. I just have a lot of things because I have an apartment, a single car garage. I live in a state with 4 seasons, very harsh winters so I have more clothes than someone who does not. If I lived in AZ or somewhereime that I'd have 3 pairs of shorts, a couple pears of jeans and some casual tops and some business casual items.

[@camuscat123]

I think there are so many nuances of parent-child dynamics which suggest narcissistic paternalism. Jung gave birth to the Electra complex, and he can take it out. Distance represents the realism that dad won't change, so one must maintain a safe distance to minimize psychological distress. It is what it is. Thanks so much, Dr. Grande.

[@SparkyStarLPS]

I am the favourite daughter and at first I didn't realize these narcissistic traits were sticking with me. Thank you for pointing that out.

[@nodiggity9472]

He actually likes your Sister better. It's your own narcissism that lets you think you're favourite..

[@SparkyStarLPS]

@@nodiggity9472 I like the way you work it 🎵

[@SparkyStarLPS]

@@nodiggity9472 Update: i used to always be treated as the golden child because I would always do as I was told. But now I no longer listen to the narcissist, and I'm now the scapegoat.

[@nodiggity9472]

@@SparkyStarLPS I'm glad you get that I was just playing with you. That in itself, tells me that you're certainly no narcissist. But just out of interest, do you miss being the 'golden child' at all? And how has your policy of non compliance affected your relationship with your sister(s)?

[@SparkyStarLPS]

@@nodiggity9472 I no longer want to compete, because in the end, there is no winning in a narcissistic cult. Unfortunately most of my siblings are narcissists. I don't miss being under pressure and expectation to be "perfect" how about yourself?

[@JennyFB1281]

It's sad when you have narcissistic family members because you know they aren't capable of genuinely caring about you.

[@Tokuijin]

Sounds like my father. It seems to be generational, as his mother is like that, too.

[@mothmanalmighty]

Oh man these all hit the nail on the head for me. Videos like this always help me think more about my past and help me uncover some things I was unaware of.

[@izzy9646]

You hit all of these head on. As the eldest daughter with a younger sister, this rang so true. You just summarized my life with my father.

[@dawnlove1014]

I've tried to get my daughter into therapy but she refuses. I remember when she left, her reason was my "voice is annoying". He told her so many stories I think she started to believe them. Like remaking her memories. It's truly sad. She's now 18 and shows many narcissistic traits. Heartbreaking.

[@jreamscape]

She has to realize who he is herself... i too thought my fathers stories were true. It’s insane... it is like remaking your memories. At the time I thought my mother was kind of crazy... this maybe hard on you and I’m sorry your going through this. She needs to recognize who he is before therapy works. She probably still holds him at a pedestal

[@arianne6844]

My 13 year old daughter, my ex narc her father, are exactly like this video and she also is extremely narcissistic. Does it ever get better?

[@starlightsky655]

They are sick in the head and cruel and vengeful and will destroy you if you have your own thoughts or personality. They are jealous of their own children and we wait for love from them and live in hope and when they sense that they know they have the power to hurt you. They are incapable of love, they are empty inside. It’s a waste of your life to try and please them and keep them happy. Been there, done that. Look after yourselves, nurture yourselves, make your lives great. To all the hurt souls I send you love and healing ❤️✨✨✨

[@primrosedahlia9466]

You forgot one huge point that I see as very important and hope that you will comment on. Narcissists lack generational boundaries and so narcissistic fathers will sexualize their daughters when they enter adolescence and become sexual beings. My father is a covert narc and his behavior is very much like Donald Trumps behavior when he talks about his daughter's body and her as a sex object. The narcissistic mother, will view their teenage daughter as competition for male supply and will constantly project their own self doubt onto the daughter to make her feel inferior... Like "that dress makes you look fat, no boys would like to date a girl like that".

[@sunflowermonroe666]

Trump!

[@krembryle]

My dad sexualized me to the point he believed that the second I get out of the house, someone will try to rape me. Like, I'm too sexy to go out, I'm too sexy to live in this world.

[@vanessadeleon5386]

My ex talked about his daughter like this. He would make comments about her butt. The way he viewed her seemed more like a girlfriend than his own child.

[@animedoll1151]

I have borderline personality disorder and Daddy issues,because of my narcissist father,my dad didn’t let me be myself one bit,then I rebelled at 14 he emotionally abused me and made me feel like I wasn’t a good daughter anymore,so ended doing anything for his validation “to make him proud” nothing was ever enough so I gave up completely and went against him ..I left home at 16 and ended up marrying a 30 year old man ,that didn’t go well obviously but I was happy it pissed off my dad,I ended up getting so messed up and it’s taken me years of therapy,clean diet and meditating to try and stabilise the crazy he put into me

[@rachelwyatt6030]

You and I have a mirrored life! I can relate so much!!!!

[@Destiny-ev8sp]

Exactly what has been happening with my daughter and her father. Makes so much sense now! Thank you.

[@Winniethepooh_Q]

I never knew that my father was a narcissistic. I always thought that he was my biggest cheerleader but after my first ever failure, his reaction was soo harsh(he told me to die) and it impacted me alot. I always thought that i had to be good at things and then i'll be appreciated and loved. After that first failure i kept having few more failures and really looked up to him for some emotional support but found him controlling my life in all aspects and my self-esteem became lower every passing day until i fell deep into depression. Now, i'm a work in progress trying to build the scattered pieces backup and be a stronger person but still crave for the unconditional love of a parent. Learning to love myself over again for the flawed human that i am.

[@KikiGreen]

I cussed him out and told him how much of a pos he is.

[@thelordofcream]

Hell yeah!

[@beanfish415]

when he mentioned how the daughter views the father in a completely separate way, i felt that deep in my soul because i always mention how my dad makes me feel and how he is behind closed doors but no one believes me and saying that he's a perfect dad and really cares about me. lies.

[@maureenkerrigan9981]

Excellent. It touched on every element of my relationship with my Father. I am now a Senior, but still putting the pieces together. The damage is permanent, I believe, but understanding the disease is helpful. I’m an only child of two narcissists.

[@dominiquemiller7342]

I am feeling so unbelievably seen and am actually crying right now. You described my dad exactly. He also shows favorites to my sister and I depending on who has been more successful according to him. I was the favorite as a teen when my sister was more rebellious and now my sister is the favorite since she became more successful with her nursing career than me (I'm also a nurse). It hurts to love someone you feel such a disconnect from.

[@vamceltic]

I have two daughters, both over 40, who have both cut any contact with me since nearly 20 years ago. Your analysis is spot on. People inevitably say that they are adult and should know better. Your explanation shows why this is not always possible.

[@i.t.2393]

although at the beginning of the video the description for the narcissist clearly fits my dad, the examples you give further on, do not match. my dad was self centered, abusive, verbally , physically and emotionally towards me, always putting me down and humiliating me in private and in public. i am now happily married with 2 kids, self financed my studies and have a Masters degree and with a great job, but really struggling with my self esteem and post traumatic stress.when i tried to talk to some close relatives about what i went through during childhood and adulthood as he continued to treat me like this even at the age of 35, they all thought i was throwing shade at him and called me a liar. he s so manipulative, such a double faced, showing a really sociable, outgoing and easy going person with great sense of humor that no one believes me still and i guess this is the most hurtful part of all-having been through all these and being called a liar. would you define him as a narcissist? how does someone make peace with himself when the other end denies everything thats happened and shows no remorse? can a child ever heal? thank u

[@deannfahey1120]

I just decided that to maintain a good relation with my dad, I need to spend very little time with him. I love him but he kills all my joy.

[@AlyxCoe]

You couldn't have a conversation with him. It was always a monologue. This hurt my family so much that all the siblings are fractured. We're not a family any more. He sold our home in a brutal manner, notifying us after the fact. That killed it. I was his intellectual pet. I was supposed to be the first one in the family to get a doctorate. I had a breakdown when I was doing final revisions on my thesis and never earned the degree. My musical talent was never fostered. Now I'm a musician, long after his death. I found myself in sobriety, thank God.

[@andreac647]

Thank you, I cried while watching this. I have to come back to this kind of information again and again because I still constantly question myself. For me that's the most challenging part is that no one will ever confirm what I feel. At least not anyone from my family/ relatives. My mother is accepting his behaviour and considering it normal, and other people see him as such a good person, maybe even overly helpful and charismatic. I had childhood friends envy me for my father. It took me more than 30 years to understand what is going on but it's still not clear and it's like I'm fighting a fight that will never be seen and acknowledged. I ended up with depression, anxiety, and other issues. But I'm not giving up. Therapy helps. But lately I ended up depending financially on my parents (mainly my father) and this is really frustrating, I really hope I can get out of this situation soon. Also something in me feels like I am here to help my mother but when I mention about abuse she just "doesn't see it that way". "He just thinks he is funny when he is not, but you know, everyone is the way they are" (to when he is making "jokes" which are basically ridiculing my mother or me or are just plain mean, or covert attacks). When he has angry outbursts and calls my mother everything, she is just taking it while I feel sick to my stomach but as it is their relationship and they choose to continue it like this, there is nothing I can say. And that is frustrating. I could write a novel about this. Anyway, I'm really grateful for this video, and when I will think again that I must be crazy, I will come back to watch it.

[@sangeetharavindran87]

May be your mother is in denial to what is happening to her and may genuinely believe its all okay. After years of being under narcissist's control, people will lose their identity and self esteem.

[@oultimonome]

I had never been able to put a name on it. Although he doesn't check all the boxes, I realise now that my dad's a narcissistic father. I do love him still, though.

[@eleonoradf3395]

Dr. Grande you described perfectly my past. Now I'm in no contact with all my family for 2 years. The way for peace is long and difficult. Thank you for these preciuos informations.

[@angelicearth78]

I want to go no contact too but a) I feel sorry for my mother -who is always protecting him btw- and b) am afraid they will start showing up at my work (I work in a restaurant). Any advice?? I was thinking to change my job also in order to do it but I feel good there and they appreciate and help me...

[@eleonoradf3395]

@@angelicearth78 I asked Jesus for help and started praying every day. One day he suddenly freed me from all the accumulated anger. It freed me from many other things and I even quit smoking after 20 years. I got back in touch with my parents and I feel a lot of mercy for them. I have not forgotten what they did but I read everything from a different point of view. Psychology is very useful as a human science. But where man stops because of his limitations, there comes the immense power of God's love. I found Jesus as my Father. And I know that this is not a delirium of a depressed 37 italian woman. This is true. I might have been influenced by my high school studies, the new age preached by friends, the courses on crystals and gong baths. But none of these things set me free. I hope you can solve everything but remember that alone we can not do anything. I will pray for you today. Big hug!

[@angelicearth78]

@@eleonoradf3395 I am also born again, since 3 years. I am happy that you know Him! I feel since I came to Him He is showing me the way out of my parents influence.. please pray for me because it is tough for me right now. I need to take some major steps. Thanks for sharing! I was also in the new age but never found peace until I met Him.

[@krowkovtuber]

love how informative and straightforward this video is. no unnecessary introductions nor annoying background music. thank you for your amazing educational content!

[@auspicious6703]

Put into words what I’ve been struggling to describe all these years. This described my father perfectly

[@geargail]

(( stayed away from, inserting - much )) Resentment FELT and EXPERIENCED with Dad's constant "I'll never be as great as Older Sister.' in Casual Conversations during annual X-mas obligatory family gatherings. Avoids THEM BOTH soon after - because that's the ONLY THING that comes out of his mouth in five minutes or less.

[@NunYaO]

BINGO! Not a nice word ever spoken once you've woken up to their mental abuse!

[@staceyl618]

Thank you. Could you do a video on signs of a narcissistic father who is at the indifferent end of the spectrum?

[@chaitea5197]

Dayuuuuum! This is my dad. I’m so glad that there are people who understand.

[@lauralannister3399]

It's incredible any of us get through childhood or even adulthood as we see what really happened and not the shiny BS. So sad. When I became a parent and realized how toxic my upbringing was.... I can and will do better.

[@eunicekimani9061]

My Dad true NPD.. I clearly remember him not being emotionally available for me.. Unfortunately I was the bright favorite daughter.. I became a doctor (not my choice). In my teens I had anorexia, anxiety and depression.. Most of my relationships very codependent. I have grown up with very serious self esteem issues and always struggle with my emotions. Most of my relationships fail and am very avoidant and counterdependent at times. It's amazing, after 8 years I am quitting this career he chose for me. My mum was emotionally distant to me, ran to religion and was mentally ill at her death.. Dysfunction is all most of us know unfortunately

[@DeeEll86442]

🙋🏼‍♀️Hello Dr.Todd, I wish we could start a therapy group for children of narcissistic parents. I would love to be able to talk to other people that had a narcissistic parent. I mean, I have met a few people before that have gone through it but to hear other people’s experiences and hearing how they handled it would be wonderful therapy for all involved. Don’t you agree?

[@elysedenomme2544]

Is it odd that with everything you mentioned in this video, my mother popped into my head? And when i watched the mother daughter video, she was also the parent i thought of. Im not saying my father gets a free pass haha but wow, i only had my mother in my thoughts. It isnt like shes a bad person, and im sure the relationship ive had with her differs from my siblings, but this sure does explain a lot for why ive reduced the relationship with her this year before i actually across this channel. Thank you for helping me understand something that has been difficult for me.

[@juliemurphy9412]

Everything you have talked about in the video highly resonated with me. Especially the part where you talked about the father only seeing the daughter as a person he wants them to be. I just started going to therapy to heal from the wounds and it's been a tough journey. But I am on a better path. Thank you for this

[@Fido-vm9zi]

Yes, there's a lot of issues surrounding this topic & yes it causes problems for all involved, but start by being thankful you had people who loved you. Many children don't.