Toxic Parents & Sneaky Boundary Crossings

[@moscowcowboy_13]

My mom was a master of shaming me for normal reactions too.

[@katskills]

I’m sorry you experienced this too. I understand how difficult it can be. It makes it hard to trust yourself as an adult.

[@personneici2595]

Thirded. Unfortunately my ex was even better at it 💀

[@irenahabe2855]

My dad shamed me for innocent childlike questions. Well, he still did when I was an adult. Now I am putting boundaries, and he is affraid of me. 😂

[@carleybarnes4365]

My dad does that. My mom is the opposite she will hold space for my feelings.

[@umw569]

Actually, I'd like to add the crossing of physical boundaries. My mom would barge in on me in the bathroom and get very annoyed when I tried to cover myself up or if I requested privacy. Also, she was very much in-your-face with her own nakedness, which felt really awkward to me as a teenager. She claimed it to be a feminist thing. To this day, I feel awkward about nakedness.

[@mariehughey5390]

Sounds very similar to my experience.

[@Hawaiiansnowcat]

My mom was the exact same way. I’m so sorry you had to experience that too.

[@eladan867]

Similar situation but the way she talk about sex and sexuality it make me ick I would classified that as pervasive or Borden-Line paedophile talking about your body changes as teen and laughing about that was so big boundaries crossing and now infuriate me so much 😖

[@freetobree5323]

Mine did this too and would make disgusted faces and comments about my body

[@ghostporcupine]

Wow, my mother used to do this too. I learned how to lock the bathroom door so quietly she wouldn't hear (if she heard it was huge trouble) and then she wouldn't suddenly "need" to empty the trash can etc. Boy, it's wild to continue to remember just how unsafe every second was!!

[@aking3624]

Privacy vs betrayal... They will tell others personal family business while we can't mention abuse, alcoholism or violence...

[@katskills]

I hate to say it. But when my dad died, my life got a lot easier in many ways. Also harder in many ways, too. But it also revealed just how much my mother relied on him being here to deflect from her own behaviors. She still does to this day, four years since his passing, blaming it on living in survival mode for so long “because of him”. It upsets me that she portrayed herself to be a victim of abuse my whole life and I believed it. She made me hate my dad so much I didn’t even go visit him on his deathbed. She stole that from me. Maybe I would’ve still made the same decision but I’ll never know because she’s clouded my head with so much BS. It got to the point where I had to ask her to talk about literally anything else besides him. And me doing so caused her to cry and make me feel guilty like I did something wrong. I’ve come to the painful realization that I’ve lived my whole entire life to serve other people because of her, because it started with her, because she groomed me to be that way. I could say so much more but I already feel bad as though I’m trauma dumping in the comments. Just know your impact is strong, Patrick. I feel like an orphan in the world all the time and so lost and full of pain, just desperate to feel real love for the first time in my life. Understanding doesn’t make it hurt less, but it helps to know I’m not crazy.

[@umw569]

I'm sorry for what you went through. And no, you're not trauma-dumping. I often feel the same, that I'm too much or that I shouldn't say bad things about my family, when they did "the best they could". I am so grateful to have found this space, this community, where we share the things that happened to us. You're right, it helps to know we're not crazy.

[@sonanahbanana]

Your situation feels so similar to how I’m feeling now, except my dad is on death’s door and I’m just waiting for the phone call to tell me it’s all over. After he had a stroke and we were told it was unlikely he was going to survive but then pulled through (not the first time we’ve been in this situation) I finally saw my mum for who she really was as she was more concerned about the dying alcoholic than her grieving kids. It’s been heartbreaking as I feel like I’m losing both my parents at once, just in different ways, but at the same time I’ve never felt more clarity. No longer in contact with dad and don’t go to see him as it’s too painful to see what he’s done to himself through his addiction and working on low contact with mum - but most importantly working on the relationship with myself and finding love with found family❤ thank you for sharing your story 🫶

[@joannepingtella8002]

My entire life was "not confidential" until I cut ties at 45. I couldn't trust my mom with anything, and the sibling triangulation was unmatched. Shortly before I cut ties, I was diagnosed with a significant medical issue...to this day (almost 6 years) no one in my family has any idea about my medical issue...

[@VancouverBorn]

I am with you, Joanne. Love and hugs.

[@joannepingtella8002]

@@VancouverBorn thank you ❤️

[@DianeLee999]

I hope that the medical issue is one that can be managed, and that you have a safe person to help process about it.

[@katskills]

It’s so hard to know how to trust or what to share with who after experiencing this. Your parent is supposed to be your protector, not the person who exposes your vulnerability. I’m so sorry.

[@joannepingtella8002]

@@DianeLee999 yes and thank you ❤️

[@aldowilliams4765]

I was always made to feel like I was the crazy one for pointing out the crazy things my family did. Eventually you stop believing your own intuition.

[@thtbubbles]

…and then, hopefully, you heal and re-claim your own intuition and realize that…you were right all along re: your crazy family!🌟🌟 I wish everyone here the best.

[@thegeth4293]

My live-in grandmom (functionally my 2nd mom) was a massive pathological liar. She would do/say things right in front of me then deny to the point of screaming and crying that she did not do the thing. It took me well into my 20s to realize why I didn't think my own perception was reliable.

[@VancouverBorn]

Patrick, I'm sorry you were treated that way and your boundaries were crossed. I was surrounded by that kind of junk too. Parents and siblings. Healing love and hugs to you.

[@christophermcneela4493]

I know we cannot change one single thing about our past, not one single thing. What we can do is come to emotional AWARENESS of how our past is affecting our present vitality. We have to learn to live with our past once we know what it did to us. I really like the term radical acceptance. We were simply powerless over our circumstances as children at that time.

[@davecopp9356]

Great video. Thank you. They denied me reality, even when I was older and was repeating and even having wittnesses, they denied everything that makes them look bad. Still not over it.

[@irenahabe2855]

I had 1 (one) witness 🙏: my little bro. Everything else was gaslighting.

[@mordaciousfilms]

How about well into adulthood, i.e. years ago, as a person who has had to rely on parents most of my life to basically get by - having my mom use the roof over my head as leverage to control me, having my father write on Facebook about my mental health and HIS concerns about me, airing my crisis situations to the world - having myself and private, embarrassing and traumatic things spoken about with me right there to someone else as if I'm less of a human... having my perceived issues be THE thing that defined me and the way I was seen most of my life... yeah that's tough. Oh and they're NEVER wrong. Always just ME being rude to THEM.

[@jdprettynails]

When I broke up with my fiancé earlier this year, I told my mum. The day after I was getting floods of texts from everyone in the family wanting to know why I didn’t tell them about the breakup

[@javadivawithdog]

As soon as I started earning money, my mother started "borrowing" money from me, then came up with a list of things I "owed" her when she had spent money on me. For example, buying me winter gloves when I had lost them. It ended up being a pretty significant amount of money in 1980. All trust lost with that. And the petty lengths that she went to with that list.

[@moscowcowboy_13]

My toxic family evolved so that even if I didn't say anything at all I would be punished and judged for what I could have said, or would have said- according to the evil mom and her narc husband.

[@umw569]

Wild how reading all these comments makes me remember more and more uncanny details from my crazy childhood. My family would make a virtue of never showing feelings. My mom never told me me when someone important had died, to keep me from getting upset. When I was 10, my beloved parrot died. This bird was my only refuge from the insane violence going on in our home and my only friend. When I got home from school one day, my mom told me the bird had died, and she didn't even tell me where she had put the dead body. I wasn't allowed to grieve, so I cried under my blanket. Many years later, my grandma died, and my mom didn't tell me about it before grandma was buried, telling me she didn't want to upset me when it wasn't such a big deal. To this day, I don't trust my mom and have a hard time trusting anybody else, actually. They said it was for our protection, while in fact, the purpose was to control us.

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

Thanks Patrick, this explains a lot of how my psycho magnet works.

[@katskills]

I love that you ask what a child thinks and give them space. I love that you push past B&W thinking and encourage critical thinking and free thought. You give your kids choice. That is fantastic. It makes me so happy to hear there are kids growing up this way, our future is brightening💖

[@Dobermanmomma]

My lovely mother would tell everyone about my personal life including lies to ruin my reputation rationalizing it as she talks, shes human, basically theres no way I could have a private life because thats life. I had my diary read and all my emails and texts read there was literally no privacy, but the funny thing is she didnt protect me at all from anything she found out that a parent needed to step in on, shed just gossip and make me out to be a bad person. She never shared the good stuff, such as me being a straight a student on academic Olympics, star of the volleyball team, and student council secretary. Then, like many things she would get mad at her own mom for telling others her business yet sees no problem doing it to her daughter its just life...shes a piece of work luckily i have no contact

[@gregpendrey6711]

Please never break no contact. She will destroy you. It's what they are compelled to do.

[@parrotdoesasploot2381]

The level of cognitive dissonance... I don't understand how although she was bothered by this, she did the same thing to you. Keep her away from you to find some peace of mind

[@sincerelysteff630]

Watching your content gives me language to my experience. I often felt like because I couldn’t name my trauma and experience maybe it didn’t happen. Your videos are one of my many tools I use for healing ✨

[@karissakline6765]

Me too! Sometimes I still question it because my parents didn’t steal from me or do anything too crazy. But they brainwashed me with religion to be under their control and still try to wield over me to this day, so this material is very relatable in other ways.

[@PuffyMuffinman]

My parents never respected my privacy as a teen or even as a young adult visiting home (that is, after ensuring I left home when I turned 18, completely unprepared for the real world). No knocks on the door, no asking without entering, no announcing their presence. Even coming into my room when I was sleeping. I've tried arguing about it a few times but they didn't seem to care and I ended up giving up. It always made me feel like I didn't have the right to ask for personal space and still recall some instances as a kid where I would get into a fight with them and they would not let me retreat to a safe place even when visibly crying. Cornering a crying and vulnerable child, even after rejecting you, is (safe to say) not part of the formula for a healthy adult life. The only thing I learned from my parents was how to bottle up emotions, how to never stand out or do anything out of the ordinary, how to live an extremely anxious life and issues with control. Oh, and some of their looks. It feels especially triggering sometimes to see some of my mother's facial features when looking in the mirror.

[@marlyd]

I clicked this video thinking about my mom telling my whole volleyball team, their parents and a bunch of the boys' teams that I'd started my period in the middle of the cafeteria while I was struggling with tampons in the locker room bathrooms. And then you mention that exact situation. Colour me called out 😅

[@lynnegrin9165]

One of my best friends drowned when I was 9 (he was 9 too). My mother didn't want to tell me saying I would get too upset and i didn't get too go too his funeral. My sister who was 3 yrs older insisted she tell me before we returned to school. My mom thought my finding out he had died from one of our school friends would be better.

[@irenahabe2855]

Just crazy. I'm sorry. 🤗 My mum is the same. I can't trust her. I can't count on her telling me the real stuff (on time). As a matter of fact: I can count on her - betraing me.

[@karissakline6765]

I am so so sorry that happened to you. Even as an adult my mom didn’t tell me recently that my cousin died…the reason she didn’t is because she wanted me to look uncaring to the family and wanted to punish me for having low contact with her. It made things much worse, but thankfully people saw through the situation and understood she kept the info from me and that’s why I was late with condolences etc. Again, so sorry…you as a child didn’t deserve that at all.

[@irenahabe2855]

@karissakline6765 Ouuu, these passive aggresive mum's moves 'you don't play my game, I don't tell you important stuff'. 🤪 🤗

[@MaryWallace-wv2bn]

“Beliefs” when I knew as a child was way over the top.

[@pvtpain66k]

Chapter markers would be awesome. 🥰 "Nothing to See Here" was my childhood, because my mom was taught that kids are dumb and it's okay to lie to them.

[@rturney6376]

“Spinning 😵‍💫 reality for power and control”.

[@earthrooster1969]

You are doing so much good for being the person who knows from experience! I am amazed at how the patterns are similar in toxic family systems. Thanks for stepping out and calling out all those patterns we are familiar with...

[@rosalyng1979]

Thank you for this, Patrick!

[@TheEraLad]

Thank you so much for sharing! This couldn’t have come at a better time

[@deedee46x]

Patrick, I had the same. I worked as a baby sitter. I saved my mo ey in a little box. I was excited to buy some clothing as my ‘ mother’ denied me having clothing. “ buy it yourself” was the answer. I was 13. So I did. I’d baby sit after school 3 children for 3 hours during the week for 5 evenings 4-7 pm and weekends fri and sat evenings 8-12 midnight. From age 12 through to 15. Each time I saved…my money was taken. My “ mother” needed it. Not for alcohol just for herself. She was having affairs while my father was working. So I’d find a way to hide my money…only she found it and took it. Even now I’ve it a weird view of money as I’ve repeated patterns of working and others taking it from me . I now see that pattern…I just wish I’d known sooner. 🙄😢

[@jasminchrzan4843]

I got 6:50 in and I had no idea how close to home this would hit. I really thought my parents were "generally okay" but disliked some stuff. I watch this channel from time to time because I disowned them and I constantly blame myself for it.

[@kimgillick2340]

Thank you for making me feel seen! And putting all of the mess of my childhood into categories. It really is helpful as I heal. Getting stronger and understanding more every day with your help!

[@gladysroth7471]

Im learning what i carried over to my children. My motives were not for self gratification. But to expose them to many life situations. As i was not allowed to see them.

[@goblinelemental]

Holy crap, I feel seen by all of this. My mother was HEINOUS about gossipping. Nothing was sacred. The only twist from everything you outlined was that the indoctrination was less at home and more left up to church, and I'd get incredibly mixed messages about acceptable behavior. When I expressed an opinion, instead of talking me through it and teaching me how to find nuance or to seek understanding of my values, my father would roll his eyes and say in a dismissive tone, "I don't agree but I'd defend your right to say it". Both he and my mother would make assumptions about my beliefs and tell other people, often with me right in front of them. Correcting them was frustrating, because they'd try to save face by belittling me even further. Or if I got upset and left the room, they'd tell me I was being too sensitive or emotional and needed to take myself less seriously...

[@earthrooster1969]

I can listen to this on repeat. Thanks for covering SO much Patrick 🙏🏽💕

[@karenbeckett6454]

Hello, my childhood was a travesty for me-pants. !! Thankyou for podcast KB southwest UK. x

[@PassionateFlower]

Everytime I tell my mom about how my older sister s3xually harrassed and abused me my whole childhood she "corrects" me and says, "Your sister bullied you. All siblings have to deal with difficult siblings. This is normal." I said, "Mom, there is an entire genre of childhood trauma dedicated to sibling on sibling physical, s3xual, and emotional abuse. Being abused by a sibling in childhood and into adulthood can have longlasting drastic negative outcomes for the sibling who was abused." She said, "Well there's things you did to your sister that weren't nice either." I said, "I was forced to defend myself and anything I did was a cry for help or to fend off her attacks, antagonizing, or abuse and sometimes I resorted to reactive abuse when she pushed me over the edge." She said, "Why do you have to keep using that word 'abuse'? That's very extreme."

[@Rainbowpeppercorns]

❤ sending love. This is so diffucult. Having the courage alone to bring up these topics takes so much strength and vulnerability. Your mother did not respect that precious gift you gave her, revealing your truth. You deserve recognition and reconciliation, not dismissal. Sending love! ❤

[@caliagregory7935]

This pod cast was really interesting for me. Many points resonated both from the perspective of my own childhood and my parenting. It's given me much to think about. And a few prompts for journaling later. Thanks for this.

[@ByrneBaby]

Just noticed a lot of the connections I try to make are my inner child's desperate attempt to confirm the realities I've been through over the years. To figure out if the strong feelings of my intuition beneath the trauma are correct or real, and if it's okay to move on after accepting those feelings. I'm often trying to connect with people who have also been through too much or suffered abuse and who are in the middle of healing, and my goal is to have a mutually validating, respectful relationship that lifts us both out of the depths of our trauma.

[@sarahlyon157]

It was a lot of parentification and knowing too much for me. I knew about like 3 emotional affairs and 1 physical because of things my father and grandmother told me. Like, I'm not your therapist! Eventually I started telling my grandmother that either she needed to leave or to stop complaining. I have no tolerance for people complaining about relationship issues to me because of it. 😅

[@ellie698]

British schools do this too now. Ugh, I'm so glad schools in Britain didn't do this when I was that age. Can't imagine anything worse.

[@qt2shooz]

1) Nothing to see here 2) Privacy 3) Autonomy 4) Beliefs All were crossed. For example, 1) Siblings' illegal activities were to be supported, 2) I could not have a private conversation (there was no safe space) and if I had an issue with someone, they would be told (no matter what, so implicitly I learned that I was always the bad guy), 3) I was told about intimate details of my older siblings' and my parents' marriages, and 4) I both rejected and internalized toxic superiority. You suggest that we are safe now. This is difficult to believe. Even as an adult, I feel and experience violations. My parents have died but I still have siblings.

[@lacrimaheliundumumbra9247]

Thank you so much for your content! It makes such a difference and you hold such a safe space for people who have experienced childhood trauma.

[@ShiningBulbasaur]

Great video as always!!

[@Rainbowpeppercorns]

16:56 Here I go, venting in the comments. This process is the closest thing to journaling I currently have the skills for, forgive my little emotional milk spill 🎉 my mom ran a family business where I worked for several years starting at age 11. I had absolutely no privacy with her coworkers - many of them all worked in the same room throughout the day, and my mom would announce the most personal and private situations in excruciating detaikcto her coworkers who would not correct her. I would overhear and start bawling because of the breach of privacy when I already only had privacy in the form of secrets. I would ask her to stop telling her coworkers and she would dismiss and blame me, saying I was overreacting and depriving her ability to be honest about her life and experiences. Over and over this would happen to the point that I refused to tell her anything. Future plans, current plans, what happened at school, what I wanted to be when I grew up, which friends I was havung conflict with, abuse at my father's house, what book I'm reading. Anything. I would shut down and assume that my dreams, ideas, and plans would be magically thwarted by the universe if I uttered even a word about them. Shattered my ability to trust people with my honest perspective. Gently issued a no contact ultimatum with her last week for so many things. Add this one to the pile. Thanks for the insight Patrick!

[@JoeAndTheFam]

I’m happy to hear you’re starting this podcast, thanks for the down to the earth therapy, always healing and learning from you, ty ❤

[@valerie4912]

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow!! I’m about to be 46 years old. Have been in therapy for years. You taught me so much here. I now understand why I behave the way I behave in all relationships. Maybe my parents shouldn’t have gotten married at the age of 21 😂🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😩

[@sirbbq2403]

32:30 had me do a double-take to what I was hearing 🍑 On a serious note, this was a great and relevant video for me in my healing journey. Thank you good sir.

[@kellyschroeder7437]

So well said … 💞💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💙💞

[@smoothandchunky1]

Funny from the start of this episode was triggering, prom wasn't on the table. I was far too busy keeping the household going by working. Helping pay the bills at 15 and tamping down as much of the chaos as possible.

[@whipwalk]

Oh goodness yes. Mom parentifiend me, made me her confidant or was absent while dad straight up abused and hated me. I experienced every single one of these.

[@Anonsr]

Yes my mother used to non stop discuss fathers faults. Highly victim status. I was the parent. This continued into adulthood with financial supports being given.

[@genkafioofficial9653]

If somebody was at home for a reason that had nothing to do with me. Let's my dad's banker. He would say to the banker : " can you believe this idiot ? He thinks he's gonna be a star soccer player when he grows up ". Calling a kid an idiot to a stranger for no reason whatsover was weirdly not the worst part, it's revealing my dream to a stranger

[@n888-y4z]

How do we come out of these freeze states of not seeing or not feeling and really connect to what's going on or being done to us and move into acting in our best interests?

[@mienmiennn]

Thank you❤ Happy New Year

[@diverstalent]

This is so insightful, thank you so much. Sousan

[@dorothymcmahon9995]

This was excellent. Thank you, Patrick.

[@Florabebe777]

This was so incredibly helpful. Unfortunately I have experienced every one of these.

[@rachelb315]

I love and appreciate your work, thank you!

[@christophermcneela4493]

Illuminating.

[@Katie-v9q1t]

My NPD mom crying to me how she settled on my dad and he’s this horrible person (for a long time I thought my dad was the mean one but I’ve come to terms she was triangulating me from him)

[@FooMantis]

I don't think my parents overtly did the "my beliefs are your beliefs", but they were pastors since I was a baby, and still are (I'm 42). So I think I still struggle with spirituality because it's so central to who they are that it was kind of baked in. Plus my dad is a workaholic and a bit a of a captain save-a-dysfunctional-person. So I've shied away from working more than 40 hours a week, pursuing a real career, management or any work responsibilities that weren't minimum wage grunt work. I really wish I hadn't, because I want to make a better life for myself, but I'm scared and lost in that area.

[@Rainbowpeppercorns]

I relate so much to the workaholic aversion.

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

31:30 is confusing to me because he has no problem calling people "toxic in every sense of the word", but here he states he refrains from labeling people as good and bad.

[@Autumn_Sunrise]

I feel like a toxic person and a “bad” person are two different things. Someone can be a good person inside but are still toxic because they haven’t learned emotion maturity or how to deal with certain things in a healthy manner.

[@itskindofemily]

Oh yep, "you're here for me" rings true 17:42

[@rebecca1326]

Did you make the music for this intro? It’s so nice!! The drums sound cleaaann

[@MaryWallace-wv2bn]

Cult think of Jehovah’s Witnesses. No choice. They’re the only good in the entire universe. Thank you 🙏🏼

[@moonafarms1621]

Mormonism carries that same theme in their culture. 💔

[@aldowilliams4765]

Can’t imagine what it was like for you guys who grew up in that. My respect and heart goes out to you ✊

[@TheMoonkelly]

I teach my child and bring her up in the religion I grew up in. But, I let her ask questions, challenge things in a healthy way, and develop her own age appropriate relationship with God. There are aspects on our religion (Catholic) that we differ. However we have honest and healthy debates about it. Consequently, she has a strong friend group that is diverse in backgrounds, religion, etc but same in core values. All good kids (8th grade) with good parents of the same nature. Parents get along fine. We are all greatful that our kids have such a healthy outlet. And they have each other’s back at school if the bullies come lurking. So not all teaching of religion is a bad thing as long as the kids are taught and shown to love thy neighbor . Just my two cents.

[@gingerjones6950]

Do you have a video about your book recommendations, I can’t remember what book you suggested for co dependency

[@acujenpete]

😢 Your mom drank your prom, - and then attacked you for being 'naive.' Blaming a hardworking teenager for her theft. The pathology. Sounds like the bs my mom has pulled on me.

[@RB-kh6fo]

seems like you've met my mother

[@TaraHower]

Damn

[@johnjackson7295]

There are a LOT OF DAMN GOOGLE commercials on this channel.