Parents React to Going No Contact

[@ByrneBaby]

My father literally screamed in my face "I own you" as a teenager when I challenged him one time. My mother has talked about me like I'm a dog living in her home to strangers before, saying things like "I got out," when I went on a walk... They truly do believe you are subhuman objects for them.

[@Omegamega1313]

@@ByrneBaby I hear you. My mother yelled at us once when she wanted us to get the housework done. She said, "Why do you think I had children?!" So we could clean your house, I guess. I don't understand people. I just stay away from ones like that. That way you can find your own worth and take pride in yourself, no matter what your parents say.

[@moniqueengleman873]

@ByrneBaby Are you a perfect teenager? Is there even such a thing? We are all stumbling through life with our own trauma. I rarely raised my voice but I was beaten and degraded and called names. I wanted to break the cycle, but often I failed. But there was teamwork and family meetings, and expectations, and Love. There is so much love ❤️

[@moniqueengleman873]

@Omegamega1313 I no longer want to be my story. I gave away my story to choose love, acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. It took me well into adulthood to even understand my story. But it wasn't doing me any good focusing on all the emotions. I am free to love and be loved. And understanding forgiveness freed me. I loved my parents. I miss my mother every single day. She wasn't perfect, but she really really tried. Same with my father. There is no way most boomers would disrespect their parents for real or precieved hurts. I grew up in a very small southern village in Kentucky. Most people live next door to their parents and grandparents. Family is everything here. And there, in little old Magnolia, we all are family. Just a different culture. Honestly, I think Social Media is a situation that we never had to deal with while discovering ourselves through a healthy society. I now live in a very small mountain town that feels very close to my homeland. Everyone helps everyone out.

[@moniqueengleman873]

@@Omegamega1313 please consider contributing to your household. Yes, Mom can not do it all. There must be teamwork. And forgiveness on both sides.

[@Slipy300000]

Children and families are messy and the Mom was joking that she "had children to clean the house" which is funny since noone would ever do that! I do think the point was not that she should or should not help out with chores. It was more a general idea i am guessing that the remark left her feeling unloved, and unvalued as a child. Without going to deep into it, the writer is implying the parent is not loving, tender, or kind hearted. What she needed as a small child. Whatever her mother's issues were.....we are all here to heal from the damaging trauma (it was only one example of her childhood) and feelings it produced during the first 18 years and beyond in our lives and trying to heal from C-PTSD. We are all on a journey and this is her possibly just starting to unravel moments that come up for her in her own journey. There may be more that she is not ready to face or verbalize yet. It took me 59 years to say OUT LOUD certain things that happened to me on my journey. We are all processing our own info, triggers, memories, and unraveling the onions. So let's not downplay that this memory was hurtful and she is relating to the writer and to the videos. People on this channel rarely need to be told they should "help mother with the chores already" and "be forgiving". And you are not wrong at all. But I find that most traumatized who relate to C-ptsd are trying to do there best to forgive and heal and usually are deny themselves to a fault.

[@jeankipper6954]

Mom "apologized" complete with tears, about "hurting" us in childhood. Nothing specific of course, and saying how bad she'd felt then. And now. It was so phony. Then she peeked, to see if we were buying it.

[@goodgrief888]

They refuse to accept that we’ve spent an entire lifetime trying every single thing to get them to treat us decently, and only go no contact when we’ve finally accepted that there’s no other resort. We don’t want to have no family to spend holidays with (even if those holidays often ended with us sobbing all the way home.) That we feel shame and embarrassment about having to say to people that we don’t speak with our mom or siblings or whatever. That we know we’ll be judged harshly by people who aren’t in the same situation, or by people who are who aren’t ready to accept their situation. That it took a huge amount of grieving over the relationship before we made that giant decision. And that they gave us no other choice. Doubling down on the behavior that made us go no contact only reinforces our decision.

[@thesehandsart]

Highly underrated comment, SO well put❤❤❤

[@jaelynn365]

Thank you for explaining this perfectly ❤

[@courtneyisaseagull]

"They gave us no other choice."

[@Tay20]

Powerful ♥️ thank you for your courage and strength.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

My mother's reaction to NC told me everything I needed to know about whether it has been a good decision. One word: YES.

[@Omegamega1313]

I get the passive aggressive gift bombs every year for Christmas. It's been going on for ages. Every year my mother called me and asked what I'd like and I would say cotton longjohns. I don't like polyester, it makes me sweaty. But I always need longjohns. And then she would send me the polyester. Every year, same conversation. I stopped speaking to her and my sisters long ago, but still she sends me polyester pants every Christmas. Just got a new pair last week! She knows I just give them to the thrift store, but she plays the game anyway. It makes her happy I guess. It's sad how many of us are walking around carrying these strange secrets. Thanks for giving us a voice, Patrick.

[@rainbowconnected]

I'm sorry she couldn't be bothered to listen to you about something so simple, but put on the act of asking and "gifting" you something you didn't want repeatedly. That sounds really frustrating, since I'm imagine that dynamic was woven throughout your interactions. Both my parents do the same type of thing, ask and then blatantly ignore needs or preferences I've stated time and again and act offended when surprise, I don't like something or am "ungrateful". I stopped talking to them too. It's hard to feel like there's a point when they don't listen or care what is shared. Hope the gift bombing isn't stealing your peace and that you have a wonderful holiday season!

[@SuzannaLiessa]

@rainbowconnected I don't think it's because our parents don't bother to listen. I think they listen just fine and deliberately get something that is kinda what you want, like longjohns, but ignore your preferences - cotton v. polyester. If ignoring your preferences makes the gift unusable, so much the better.

[@DoreenWeed]

The lack of a reaction- the "silent" treatment- tells all. There must be stages? The showing up unannounced, the fake love bomb, silence. It's betrayal. Not only do i not have parents, i don't have siblings or extended family. They spread lies and they are believed. The extended family doesn't see my point of view because of generational abuse.

[@averyb3717]

Thank you for touching on no reaction from the parent! When I went no contact my mom basically said, "Okay. Bye" and we haven't had any contact since. Which obviously hurt, and I had been thinking 'maybe I am the problem. I am toxic. Ect' despite looking at the whole picture. When I was preparing to go no contact, there was no real mention of a parent being fine with it.

[@Craigflowers-eg8tg]

It is so hurtful but same time it has been happening our whole lives. We are just awaken to it now and it’s painful.

[@hcf555]

I think my mum might have done the same if I'd gone nc before she died. I always felt she'd be relieved that I would stop hassling her for love. She always just wanted to be left alone. Yeah, it's really painful, you have my empathy. Also good for you for going nc despite the hurt, saves a lot of your wasted time, believe me.

[@forana7314]

Went no contact with the mother 5 years ago. I don’t think she noticed.

[@Bingewatchingmediacontent]

Right? I didn’t want my siblings to chase me down. But at the same time they just expected to be able to continue to scapegoat me after our parents died, and I would continue to come back for more. When I didn’t, that was unforgivable to them. They’ve accepted my countless apologies for THEIR transgressions, and never was it mutual apologies. Always me apologizing for the sake of keeping the peace and mending the relationship. Never ever have they come to me with an apology. Not once. And now that I’m no longer coming to them with peace making, I’m the bad guy. Well guess what? I don’t give a shirt anymore! Yes that typo was on purpose to get around KZbin

[@Skylark_Jones]

I'm the one that finally went no contact on my mum. I had always been there for her despite her emotionally abusive and narcissistic attitude and being treated like her audience. Then in 2018 I rang her and told her I was coming to see her after work like I did every week: she told me not to bother and accused me of stuff I hadn't done. It isn't the first time she'd done that. I remonstrated then she cut me off. It was upsetting, but at the same time it was a relief. There comes a point where there is no more you can do for someone. I had to accept she will never change. For my own sanity I let her go.

[@andreabiro2357]

Wow, same here. The last was when she hang up on me, not the first time, but then I thought: why do I have to take this behaviour? Just because she is my mom? That was her choice. And block her was mine.

[@railwaychristina3192]

​@@andreabiro2357ladies, may I join your group! Aah, the sound of silence .

[@andreabiro2357]

@railwaychristina3192 💪❤️‍🩹

[@SuzannaLiessa]

@Skylark_Jones Accusing you of things you didn't do and of not doing things you did do. At the end, my mother was basically making up reasons out of whole cloth. "You should have kept me in the loop!" I told you three days ago. "You should have reminded me!" I reminded you two nights ago. "You're always changing your mind-" no, "so you should have confirmed!" I confirmed last night. *silence* She didn't go NC -- "I will never give up on you!" but the rest of the family gave me their blessing when I went NC on her.

[@goodgrief888]

@@Skylark_Jones that’s the thing - they have gone no-contact with us before we do, usually. But somehow we’re supposed to just forgive and forget every time they waltz back into our lives. And when we don’t they can’t handle it, and we’re the baddies. They don’t even remember doing it many times before.

[@d-katz]

I wish I’d had access to things like this when I went no contact with my parents more than 30 years ago. My father was in the category you describe as being an emotional batterer. He spent the last years of his life aggressively and viciously stalking and harassing me online. I lived in literal fear for my and my husband’s lives for many years. It severely affected my mental and physical health. My mother was more in the manipulative and intrusive vein, but often deeply inappropriate too. I appreciate your videos, even now in my late 50s. The information you provide is very validating.

[@gruel_summer]

Going no contact was the best gift I could've given my little sister. I'm 30 and grew up an only child until I turned 21. That's when my baby sister, now 10 years old, was born to my dad and stepmom. My whole life my dad was controlling, intimidating, emotionally manipulative, and physically abusive from the time I was in diapers until I was a preteen and my parents divorced. I decided nearly a decade ago now to go very low contact and gave him my reasons. In all that time, my dad has not indicated that he's learned anything or done any work on his end. However, he's a completely different parent to my sister. From what my grandma has shared, she's allowed more creative freedom, never really has a temper, she has her own routine, etc. She's allowed to be a kid because my dad, though he'll never admit it, recognizes how he screwed up with me. I'm sad that I seldom see my sister, but keeping my distance is keeping my father subdued.

[@moniqueengleman873]

@gruel_summer Did you ever consider that maybe he grew up? That he didn't know any better because that is how he was raised.? Maybe be a mentor for your sister and forgive your immature parents. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[@wobbler5780]

HE was the abuser. if anything it's his job to properly apologize. you really expect a victim of abuse to forgive an abuser just because maybe they have grown? maybe he hasnt. not our job to forgive.

[@am1156]

Maybe, maybe not. Parents usually mellow with younger kids anyway. I never went nc with my father and he treated my younger siblings completely differently. They spend so much energy on the older sibling/siblings that they can't always be bothered to repeat it on the younger ones. I wouldn't let my guard down though, even regarding your sister. They don't really change, only tire and get old.

[@moniqueengleman873]

@am1156 that is the darn truth

[@gruel_summer]

​@moniqueengleman873 0/10 rage bait, but if I could show you his last text message to me when I went no-contact last summer, you'd see that he hasn't grown. My intuition was correct.

[@TheFacelessTraveller]

My dad has sent us links to TikTok videos about children who abandon their parents in old age and man, it is so draining!

[@paintandpetunia3662]

I feel for you. My dad has done the same. His personal favorites are the ones mentioning estrangement as elder abuse. 🙄 It is truly exhausting. Stay strong, my friend.

[@AbsenteeAbbygail]

The passive aggressive bomb drops via birthday and christmas presents were so obscenely intrusive. When I still lived in the same town he even dropped off a whole bass guitar at my work when I was out on a delivery in hopes of getting an excuse to see me. The bomb drops even persisted after we moved to the mountains next to our town and told no one remotely in their circle about our new address. The only way I finally managed to get away from years of deadnamed guilt-laden gifts was to move halfway across the country miles and only let a few I trusted know my new address. The boundary crossing and reaching out to people I was vaguely friends with has happened for a while so when someone I was somewhat friends with heard I moved and was persistent about knowing where I just blocked them to not even risk it. Not once in 10 years has he apologized for anything he's done I brought up in my reasons for moving out when I initially left nor has he apologized for anything he's done since. 0 accountability.

[@ThePancakeJedi]

Saving this to my watch later list as I’m enjoying quality time with my child right now.

[@pointofnoreturn3103]

I wanted to say- going no contact may actually be the kindest thing you CAN do for someone. I know someone whose adult son has gone no contact. His actions have inspired some self-reflection on her part, and she is learning to appreciate the people who still are in her life. She is starting to see that there is another path that can make her happier as a person. BY showing someone tough love, and letting them sit in the consequences of their actions, you may very well give the person the kick in the pants they need to change their life for the better. I am seeing this effect for myself, among people who I know very well! Even if someone doesn't like being told "Goodbye. I am done. You don't need to give me a sense of closure because goodbye IS my closure.," they can still benefit from hearing those words through your actions. To anyone who is considering going no contact, I want to say, goodbye does not imply lack of love on your part. Sometimes goodbye IS an act of love... Take care, everyone! Susan Edit- I just got a notification that someone gave one of my comments on one of Dr. Ramani's videos a thumbs up. I was friends with a vulnerable narcissist who confided in me that she is sadistic because it is fun. I ended up going no contact, and I have stayed with my decision for over 13 years now. I said the following comment on Dr. Ramani's channel: "I would say, you can continue to feel bad for someone, because their chosen path in life makes them miserable, and STILL say no more. You don't deserve ongoing abuse. You don't have to remain stuck in a narcissistic friendship even if you feel empathy. I think that when you let go of the idea that you are responsible for someone else's happiness, you gain freedom from guilt. Truth be told, no matter how much you may DESIRE someone's happiness, it isn't in your hands. The person has to decide for themselves whether or not to be happy with their circumstances in life. The person can choose to feel sorry for themselves because people have let them down, and choose to take out their unhappiness on other people, or they can choose to become a stronger, better person because they have suffered. ...I honestly hope that my narcissistic friend will ultimately choose another path that could make her happy and more okay with herself. With all my heart! I hope she takes my decision to say goodbye as an opportunity for self-reflection, and will choose the path of growth... Susan"

[@KB-qz9yl]

Hopefully Diane will find this. She is on KZbin complaining about her daughter going no contact and unfortunately Diane has absolutely no sense of accountability or self-awareness.

[@thecornucopiasystem]

You give her far too much credit, especially after her follow-up videos and estranged parents grift she's up to now

[@meredith2803]

All her videos show that her daughter did the right thing. Diane really grinds my gears she’s so obnoxious.

[@RobinSpeer]

Diane is delusional; I get so angry when I watch her videos.

[@KB-qz9yl]

@@RobinSpeer Ditto!

[@xtessa1]

My narcissistic parents told the whole extended family that I was abducted by an abusive BF (I was dating no one), when I went NC. I left an goodbye letter to my parents that I am moved out, and don’t want a relationship with them, anymore. They never told the rest of the family about that letter. My aunt and uncle didn’t know until I told them myself months later. Also my narcissistic mom gave my aunt a bag with stuff from my old room, and my aunt brought them to my appartement for me. And when looking inside the bag I found my mom snuck a birthday gift (not respecting my no contact). Also my mom found my personal blog and saw the stories I wrote about their abuse, and my mom send me an verbally violent e-mail threathening if I didn’t remove it soon, I’d be in trouble because she will call my social worker and tell them about this. And she demanded an conversation with me and my SW. (So she can know where I live).

[@elisabethhughes6005]

This must be the nicest guy in mental health care. No “tough love.” It got super easy for me when I realized that my estranged parent dumped me already when I was still very young and confused. I didn’t want to accept his affair partner as my automatic new mom.

[@esmeraldaparker2137]

The care packages / gifts were perfectly described!! I have the hardest time describing why I hate it and I try to explain like my mother ignores me and she should try to seek a resolution with me and not try to worm her way to being in my kids' life.

[@SharonCecil-l6i]

You articulate what i can't

[@minotaurenjoyer]

Me starting the video with some coffee like, "ah nothing like the sound of abusers suffering in the morning" LOL

[@jonesing225]

I finally cut contact with my dad and stepmom. I stupidly moved in with them because I was sleeping in my car. I wish I would’ve stayed in my car. I am 26 years old. I work full time and go to school. They went in my room, talked about each other to me, basically made me their therapist, my stepmom told me about the abuse my dad did to her, she showed me her wearing her underwear and thought it was funny (she’s 60 years old), told me about her sexual trauma, talked bad about my MOTHER to me, told me not to trust my friends and guilt tripped me into eating their food when I enjoy making my own food. My own father literally looked at my butt and complimented it. When I almost died in a car accident, while living with them, they accused me of lying about it. How do I make sense of that. I am an adult. My dad was a drug addict and was never there for me. I forgave him for everything but he still doesn’t change. When I finally moved in with my boyfriend after living there, they ignored me for months. The only phone call I received was from my dad and all he asked was “is your boyfriend hitting you” and he laughed. After ignoring them after that, my stepmom texted me saying “why aren’t you talking to us? We have always helped you”. I said nothing. I am done. I am focusing on myself once and for all. I’ll be the bad daughter if that means I have the peace of them not being in my life.

[@joleenwarner9962]

I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure them. I moved in with my parents too after getting divorced; that was a big mistake. I also deal with a parent who is grossly inappropriate and says that people need to accept that they are just a “dirty old man.” Some people are just disgusting.

[@jonesing225]

I used to think living with them was a mistake too but I learned another lesson of life while becoming stronger. It was hard, almost unbearable but I know who I am. You are strong and you deserve love and respect. I am grateful when someone shows me who they are so I can act accordingly and keep trying to be happy with or without them in my life. Family, friends and coworkers. This world is hard enough. I hope you can continue to grow and be happy❤️

[@jwhalen111]

You are not a bad daughter, I'm looking from the outside, those two are toxic and abusive...what your dad did by complimenting your butt is sexual abuse...I'm so sorry, glad you are staying away 💓

[@Maaakaaa47]

i’m so excited for this series!

[@TeachLearnDo]

I was homeless at 17. My little brother was 7. He went to my disabled adoptive father. I was cast aside to figure it out and help them from a distance. I come from a big family and the schism runs deep and my mother didn’t like me speaking to her siblings soshe told them I was a liar and a thief And that’s why she left the state…10 years no contact. I did eventually communicate to her and she was sorry that my life was so difficult. ( but not for her behavior). Very sad. Very passive aggressive and forgot to tell me my bio dad died for 2 years despite many repeated conversations that she knew I did not know. Little to no contact now. Sending her love from a distance….Not taking the guilt and shame that my life has been filled with. EVERY POINT has merit. The Toxic mentality has created friends who think I am evil and selfish. Not worth discussing or engaging. She needs every person she can have in their life.

[@laurasteel5843]

I needed this video today, Patrick. Thank you so much. I saw my mother for the first time in about five years a few weeks ago. Today I got a Christmas present from her-an engraved pendant that reads “call your mother.” It made me feel so overwhelmed and icky inside.

[@gypsytraveler2099]

Yes they ordered you to call them. But they can't make the first move. I got sick of it, I just stopped calling.

[@Craigflowers-eg8tg]

Patrick is the best! Thank you for everything.

[@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning]

Patrick, can you do a video on parents who are completely silent about your no contact? Like you never existed in their life?

[@GetGwapThisYear]

I’m getting married in April. As soon as we’ve put sufficient distance between them and us, we’re changing our family name to one we picked ourselves. I’m apprehensive about wider discussions, but I also can’t wait to start a new legacy, free from the toxic history that comes from them.

[@KeriRojas]

Thanks again for this work. It's validating.

[@FinalFantasyTrailer-y5u]

I'm 22 years old I'm not having a job I'm going to university , I decided to go no contact and live with my boyfriend cuz of the toxicity and the affect my parents had upon me

[@Craigflowers-eg8tg]

Choosing yourself takes all the strength you can gather. It isn’t impossible, tho it is probably the hardest thing we’ll ever do.

[@thesehandsart]

They discarded me and my kid, as a group(and I'm sure they still scapegoat me, but thankfully I have no idea what the EF they're doing🤷🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️). I've taken that baton and went to gray rock which the didn't like and stopped contacting me all together. They do however go through my kid (young teen) which is a whole new level of disgusting and continues the pattern of abuse they'd done to me. Painful to have to have conversations about their "weird" behavior(back door manipulation and using him after discarding him) but I'm raising an emotionally intelligent kiddo as best as I can to break this cycle, I love him too much to let him go through any part of what I grew up with.

[@Ashnod24]

It makes me a bad daughter 🥳🥳🥳🥳. Im fine with that. Let them think what they want thats not my responsibility. I need to do whats best for me. They did enough damage. I still get the guilt trip cards and throw them out. Im not playing along. Im focussed on me and my mental health and get me to a healthy place. Way more important

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

They already make up their reality so there is no loss of any picture you want them to have of you. 🙂

[@Marie-ts8rp]

Same here friend🫶

[@thesehandsart]

Same, just got my birthday cards with the canned words-straight into the trashcan.

[@bonnie_wood6782]

You have to put yourself first. No one else will, especially if you don't.

[@77SongbirdFlyingFree]

Never got any cards. Wasn't even worth that much ...

[@scoobysnax9787]

Went No Contact in 2006, love the part about the Bombdrops & dealing with them. Very cathartic, you are amazing, thankyou.

[@adaku29]

This was wonderful ❤ Thank you for this!

[@catserver8577]

All of this is going on right now, except it's my sibling and I that have the no contact. My parents though, they are still massively in contact with them. My relationship with my parents has always been bad, and now that the sibling has their whole attention the opinion in my family is that I am "weird". I've always been called that in my family, but now it's like not allowing my sibling in my life that's just the newest "weird" thing. No one has ever been specific about what way I am weird, so I've developed a serious body dysmorphia and GAD over it, and it's the center of my OCD (which I have had since early childhood, diagnosed). Your videos are keeping me to the no contact resolve, but pretty much everything "bad" I expected could happen, has. It feels like a knitted blanket being unraveled even when I tie it off.

[@renatacroatia]

This is so valuable and relevant for me at this moment....thank you very much ❤❤❤

[@birdfliesovermountain]

Thanks so much❤ - this came at the absolutely right time, when my poor "orphaned" parent's flying monkeys are contacting me. It's so tough to stay firm and protect my boundaries.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

That is very generous! Thank you

[@ankequix7223]

As always, this one was really validating... Thank you, Patrick! We've been no contact on/off for the past decade, I had to go no contact again nearly 2 years ago. The only time I hear from them is when my children have their birthdays. Like clockwork every birthday, I'll get an e-mail with birthday wishes addressed to my children, sent to my e-mail. There's no mention of me though. 😂 And on my own birthday, I just receive radio silence. 😅

[@lai6551]

That’s so weird!!

[@GiftsAmimalsGiveUs]

At 14 I left home and stayed with my grandma and didn't see them again until my birthday at 26. They showed up at the house and had birthday gifts and I was traumatized all over again. Now my mom will somehow get my number and message me once in a few years. I feel like I'm being stalked in away. Going no contact with my siblings was the hardest thing to do. It just seems like people keep me around only because I would drop everything to help them. When I started having boundaries and voicing them that's when the true colors came.

[@LorienzoDeGarcia]

47 seconds ago. I'm in luck! You're expanding to podcasts now? That's delightful.

[@brittlizzzzzz]

Almost a year ago now I went nc with my extended family. I feel guilt sometimes but overall, I've never been happier and less stressed

[@nikstar1313]

Mine thinks she is silent treating me 😂- 4 years no contact in a month 🎉

[@leoshevkun3645]

Thank you for sharing this information!

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

It's the "no reaction" reaction that stings, even 10 years later. Nothing. I always felt as a child that nothing I said or did mattered. I felt invisible to her. All my life wishing that would change. And it still feels like a shock even though that's totally in character.

[@bonnie_wood6782]

Wanting to be seen or matter to them, but never being seen. . .😢 It sucked. I'm not sure what one is supposed to do to get over it. I realize it's just who they are, and they don't know themselves. . . So is there really someone there to even be seen by?

[@matthewpompeo4428]

Went no contact in 2011 🤘 keep on rollin people

[@Marie-ts8rp]

THANK YOU PATRICK🫶🫶🌈🌈🌈

[@Mandooze]

Ive called the police on family members otherwise they dont get the message. Once I did that it enforced the boundary that much more.❤

[@howitworksforme]

In Germany there are self helping groups for "orphaned parents" 🤮

[@Omegamega1313]

@@howitworksforme Do you think it actually helps anyone? Or do they just sit around reassuring each other that they did their best and their children are ungrateful?

[@howitworksforme]

@Omegamega1313 They just reassure each other...

[@KenmoreToast-xp2nj]

Patrick, what should I read/watch if I'M the bad spouse/parent? The knee jerk response I usually get is "well if you're considering that you CAN'T be the bad guy!" But, please humor me

[@LadyAmatsu]

Going no contact feels like a distant dream when I'm stuck in my parental home for various reasons. I hope I can get to a better place someday

[@johnwagner1786]

I just found out you are in Asheville and my partner and I have been wondering that and she found out through your news letter! 😂😂 we just moved to Asheville and just love it here so much and it’s like a cherry on top that you’re here! 😂

[@anqeal]

i wanna go no contact so bad. i feel like im not gunna escape

[@conniecheung8484]

REAL

[@Jurassicparkatmospheres]

Had all of these. Struggling so bad 2 years on coming up to Christmas

[@valerie4912]

Would you have anything on a dying sibling in a toxic/enmeshed/ unhealthy family dynamic?

[@Kara-MiaJoyCooley-f2z]

Is there a book/workbook with this series?

[@Omegamega1313]

@@Kara-MiaJoyCooley-f2z I can only recommend John Bradshaw's books, which some others here have found helpful and which Patrick has mentioned as well. I found his book on the family back in the 90's and was shocked to see my family and their toxic habits and my coping behaviors laid out so clearly. These were patterns? They were. But also there are chapters on breaking free and healing. That was my only guide and I found it to be a good one.

[@Rubylily2509]

Hi Patrick ❤❤

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks

[@kfeeser18]

Do you get to choose what organizations and corporations get to sponsor your videos? Did you choose the catholic ‘Hallow’ prayer app? Thanks!

[@Fauntleroy.]

If a KZbinr reads ad copy for a sponsor themselves, then they chose to work with that sponsor. But if an ad simply plays during their video, then no, they had no control over what ad was selected.

[@diannegoode9010]

I had to go no contact with my son. What the family felt about it l have no idea. We were not close my parents died a long time ago. My eldest sister in 2019 l dont know if my middle sister is alive or not. As for my nieces and nephew's l have no idea.

[@princeofb7383]

Threatening suicide as a response lol

[@lisalichtenstein8863]

For me going no contact was easy, but how do we know when we should come back in contact again?

[@jonesing225]

@@lisalichtenstein8863 if you can’t continue to go no contact. If you’re afraid of regret. If you wish to keep trying and think people will change. But most people don’t care because their lives are more peaceful with no contact.

[@Fauntleroy.]

There is no easy answer to that. I think that, for most of us, the answer is 'never.' It is so unlikely that, at this point, our parent will change their harmful behavior.

[@77SongbirdFlyingFree]

For me, personally, it is not safe to be around my birth mother and after many years of being ambushed I finally had to acknowledge that it was my responsibility to keep myself safe. I told her I wouldn't see her or phone if it wasn't safe. Her reply: well that won't be a problem, will it? Still, that's all water under the bridge" She's unlikely to change so I stay away. No contact. But one day, if I am sufficiently healed that my inner child doesn't collapse in the face of her abuse, that is to say when I am bulletproof.... Then I will tentatively test the waters. Only you can decide. Start small if you do make contact. And remember that your first responsibility is to your own safety. As abused kids we often were trained to be people pleasers! If you notice any signs you're trying to take responsibility for the abusers feelings etc, you're being pulled in again. Always prioritise your personal safety and wellbeing. Good luck 🥰💞

[@deanyvoys2181]

Can you pit these on Spotify please so non apple users can listen?

[@emmelinesprig489]

💔❤️‍🩹

[@susanfanning1283]

Thinking about the last point of a parent taking on a new identity as a discarded parent…. Sadly that is the new identity. Same as before the estranged parent was no kind of parent before they lost their identity as an individual. It’s simply a transition. I’m supportive of whatever reasons my daughter believes her kids and family are better off without me. What is the proper response?

[@Fauntleroy.]

If your child has asked for no contact, then please respect your child's wish. Trying to force contact will not mend the relationship. It will just create an active battlefield. Meditate on the reasons your child has given for the estrangement. They may have never said, "Mom, here is an itemized list of the reasons I wish to break contact with you," but that doesn't mean they've never expressed serious distress or dissatisfaction. Children don't take this drastic step because you didn't allow sleepovers and waited too long to let them start painting their nails. It's something serious, and when parents say "I have no idea why you left," what they usually mean is "I don't feel responsible for your pain." Well, your child disagrees.

[@Kepi_Kei]

Going no contact is not always related to trauma, abuse, dysfunction by the PARENT. I took my daughter to my mother's house so she could babysit when she was young. Did it for years, never suspected anything. One day my daughter looked depressed and I asked her what was wrong. She was being molested by my stepfather. Long story short, he went to prison and she went to therapy. (She was 10). As she got older she started using drugs, drinking a lot and was promiscuous and had a son. I thought everything would settle down after he was born but it didn't. Finally, in her 30's, she somehow decided it was my fault she got molested and went no contact. That was 3 years ago. I am starting to forget what she looks like, having put her pics away because it's too painful. A couple of months ago someone asked me if I have kids and I said "I have a son". I was shocked at that and said I have a daughter I never see. When I pray, I pray for my son and then "oh and my daughter too, Lord". I will never cpmpletely forget I have a daughter. But my memories of her are slipping away and it terrifies me.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Going no contact with a parent, is about the relationship with that parent. Obviously.

[@WildWestSushi]

Good for your daughter for going NC with you, honestly!

[@Kepi_Kei]

@@WildWestSushi Did you not read the entire thing? If I had known I would NEVER have taken her there. I did everything I could to help her. You don't know me and so I am going to chalk your response up to that - uneducated ignorance. I bared my soul here and you come in and troll me? FU

[@WildWestSushi]

​@Kepi_Kei I read everything and was dissapointed, but not surprised! You wrote a self report as it's always happens. Good for her going NC!

[@jwhite5396]

Perhaps listen to the podcast again, especially the last three minutes. “Things need to be pretty bad in one’s relationship with a parent to go no contact.” Your knee jerk response of “uneducated, ignorance and FU” Aren’t kind or helpful to you or anyone you’re responding to. I wish you and your daughter health and healing.

[@everyprojectfunded]

So when a child stops speaking with you, gives you no indication of why, has never discussed his/her concerns, feelings or emotions…. It’s somehow about me ? I’m sorry they are struggling. Whatever it is must be deep and dark. I however cannot accept responsibility unless there is a reveal of what. So I sit and wait. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@Fauntleroy.]

I hope you understand that this is difficult to believe. For while it certainly is within the realm of possibility, the same things are said about many of us who have gone no contact--that we never explained, it happened out of the blue, is a total mystery, etc.--when in reality we spent years saying what behaviors were harming us and the relationships, and begging for them to change.

[@chocolatefrenzieya]

So no response is bad, and response is bad. What exactly is the proper resonse for these parents?

[@jaelynn365]

The proper response is genuinely respecting your child’s wishes. Try therapy and listen to how they feel. It’s not that hard.

[@jwhite5396]

A respectful curious response. I can see you’re really upset with me. Could you tell me more about that? Listen and don’t dismiss their feelings or point of view. Tell them you love them. Ask what steps you can take to work towards healing the relationship. Don’t react by berating, belittling, disrespecting, dismissing, name calling or arguing with them. Parents of adult estranged children shouldn’t be trying to win a fight. They should be trying to respect and connect with their adult child.

[@hikingviking859]

You need to acknowledge that some adult children do this to be cruel and abusive to their parents. They weaponize grandchildren and the silent treatment to hurt their parents or get what they want from them.

[@rainbowconnected]

I think that's incredibly rare, if real at all. The pain and social stigma of going no contact is very intense. No one does it for funsies. If there are adult children who do as you say, they likely learned that kind of behavior from their parents. I get that it might feel like it's designed to be hurtful. I'm sure it does hurt. But parents making up reasons for their children's behavior when the real reasons have often been explained repeatedly for years is part of why people go no contact in the first place. The only things most of us want that we're trying to get by going no contact is safety, preservation of our mental health and to only engage with people who treat us with respect.

[@hikingviking859]

@ false. It is not incredibly rare. You need to do some actual research.

[@Omegamega1313]

@@hikingviking859 My sisters have done that to my mother for years. But to be fair, my mother set up that cruel manipulative pattern in our family long before. This stuff doesn't usually come out of nowhere.

[@SolveEasy-r4w]

Those of you claiming the adult children are not at fault and the parents are never victims are possibly narcissistic yourselves. Be honest and do research outside of social media.

[@paintandpetunia3662]

From the adult child, it’s rarely intended to be punitive. To the estranged parent who refuses to take accountability despite exhaustive explanations from their adult child who feels like they’re out of options, it probably feels like a punishment. I think *that* is quite common. Let’s be clear, the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic. Estrangement is self-preservation. They are far from the same.

[@Kepi_Kei]

I saw this and came in thinking that you guys might be able to see this from a parent's perspective. I never abused my daughter, I gave her the best life (I don't mean materially), and I was heartbroken over what happened to her. I did everything her counselor suggested, even went to counseling with her and separately. Some of you appear to be incredibly damaged as you have NO EMPATHY. Instead of getting better, you appear to be dare I say mentally deranged? I pray for your sake you find people who are more compassionate to you than you are to me.

[@jwhite5396]

Name calling, “you appear…mentally deranged”, is a form of bullying, verbal abuse, and a sign of low emotional intelligence. It’s also, dismissive and disrespectful. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson, is an eye opening read. I highly recommend it.

[@beepbeepmeepmeep]

Your response to others who are survivors shows a staggering lack of empathy. I a, sorry you are currently no contact w your daughter. I encourage you to keep working through this deep pain, so when she is ready you can reconnect. CSA trauma shatters you, and as a child you cant understand that Mom doesn’t somehow know, or know exactly what to do once you tell her. Because youre a l ittle kid, and thats how their brains work! That can mean on some level, her memories formed some anger at you for not knowing or similar, perhaps. Children before adulthood can direct anger at closest parent because they cant hold it alone. Now, you are feeling hurt and anger, and as a mom and as a survivor, I get that. You are still holding that pain and anger for your girl as she works through it, and all you can do is give her that space and if you can, go get support to work through your own reaction and pain, so when you are next together you are really connecting, not at risk of erupting in a trauma bond, just my two cents, based on my own experience. Best wishes.

[@Omegamega1313]

@@Kepi_Kei Listen to your own words: "Some of you appear to be incredibly damaged." Yeah, some of us are. Thanks for pointing that out, like we don't already know. Your comments are the reason we don't talk to our mothers any more.

[@everyprojectfunded]

I see you. ❤

[@Kepi_Kei]

@@everyprojectfunded ❤

[@moniqueengleman873]

I had a stroke and was definitely not myself. My five daughters were absolutely there for me, without blame. I lost my marbles, but with love they forgave my imperfections in that moment. They dont listen to this bullshit. This is a phase and this guy is a crackpot

[@jonesing225]

No he’s actually very intelligent and gifted because he wants to help others. You can’t even be a decent enough person to disagree and keep your negativity to yourself. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything!

[@SubconsciousChaos]

why comment if it doesnt apply to you? this is in regards to those of us who sustained abuse. judging those you dont know for pain you do not get is wild and immature.

[@beepbeepmeepmeep]

Patrick is talking with, for and to those of us who had ongoing ABUSE, abuse that often does not end in adulthood. Having a health crisis as a parent or a breakdown, or even harmful behaviour that you then worked on, fixed, changed and acknowledged hurt ones kids (and then help them to heal, respecting them as individual persons not just as ‘my kids’) this is not an abusive or narc parent. … but coming on here without taking the time to ask questions is careless and can hurt survivors. You could ask like this, ‘do you mean parents can never struggle or fail their kids?’ And someone here will talk in good faith w you.

[@thesehandsart]

Ok Karen

[@moniqueengleman873]

@Omegamega1313 Because I have friends, this has happened to without just cause. And this is an epidemic of young adults going NC for almost zero reasons. You are destroying the family unit sometimes over silly things, like polyester pants as a Christmas gift. It breaks our hearts to see so many youth estranged and so many parents confused and heartbroken. I was not perfect. I made many mistakes. Just remember and realize that you are watching your parents grow up too. We are all stumbling forward in life. I think you kids have very little understanding what it takes to be a parent. And I believe that there are horrible parents too. I don't live in that world and I feel very sorry for you guys growing up with disconnected traumatized parents. My question all around for children and parents, is where is the compassion for how difficult life is at times .? From both sides? Most of us are trying. All mine are adults. Some with children. Trust and believe that my three older one with kids are very compassionate and they all did the apology tour for their behaviors, which I considered all within normal range. Forgive us all, for we know not what we do to each other. I shot my arrows straight and true. I am NEVER in their business as I did my job. Now my reward is grandchildren. And respect and love from my kids. Just be kind to each other. All this judgemental is unnecessary 😒