Toxic Shame and the ADDICTION To SELF-IMPROVEMENT

[@indigoigloo]

2 minutes in and I’m convinced this lady has been stalking me since I was 14.

[@BB-ct4dt]

😂

[@S.G.W.Verbeek]

Something like that, I guess

[@swashfrogsailor]

Same. Spooky.

[@lopezalbertogabriel]

HAHAHAHA same

[@walkerhumphrey181]

Somehow every single video she posts is deeply relevant to what I am going through that day.

[@elisabettacomin3450]

me, watching this video as part of my obsession with self improvement: 👁️👄👁️

[@themaggattack]

😆 Same!

[@ypcooper3371]

LMAO! me too smh lol hilarious ❤

[@PeukinsPoint]

cuz i gotta get healed by the summer

[@ypcooper3371]

@@PeukinsPointthat part 😂🤞🏽

[@PlayGrow410]

😂amen

[@jennw6809]

"Dignity is your inner parent saying to your inner child: 'It's OK that you have ended up where you have ended up in life. It makes sense, based on what has happened to you, that you have ended up here. So let's look at where we're at, together, with compassion. And let's figure out what we need to change as a team, so that we can end up somewhere better -- where we feel less defended, and more open to the world around us. I'm going to stay present with you, and I'm going to help you get there. I am not going to abuse you along the way.'"

[@TheLuli24]

Gosh, thanks for the write out of this! It was a classic piece for me too and I just got a screen shot to keep as a daily visual voice👊🏽 Keep on moving forward with positive support on your journey!

[@jennw6809]

@@TheLuli24 You're welcome. I honestly want to play it on repeat 😆

[@cuentosdelasestrellas]

this made me cry 😭

[@JustinBenn]

This really hit home with me. Big time. Just what I needed to hear, at my most vulnerable.

[@luckgjjkk2997]

Comparison doesn't pay the bills

[@arthurdoyle]

*Signs you're using self-improvement as a way to cover up toxic shame* 1. You're willing to root for the FUTURE version of you, but feel contempt and disgust when you think of the person you are now 2. You use self-improvement as an excuse to ISOLATE and hide from other people ("disappear for 6 months and return a changed person" trope) 3. You use self-improvement to HIDE in plain sight (you refuse to relate to people as the person you really are, only talk about plans of the future, "sell" them a better version of you, never the present version) 4. You go through CYCLES through extreme work on yourself then burnout / collapse (grindset, high goals, "I'll be happy once I get there", no joy in the present) 5. Trying to stay in CONTROL of which feelings you're having when (terrified of spontaneous feelings / natural state of living; keeping shame out) In order to overcome shame, instead of focusing on self-improvement, focus on: - Developing DIGNITY (respect ALL parts of yourself) - Reality CHECK your shame beliefs Thank you Heidi! 💛

[@heidipriebe1]

Wonderful summary, thank you 😊🙏

[@grabbelton]

Beautiful,, thank You

[@WASDLeftClick]

Oh so this is why I never get better.

[@zacara8469]

Oh godddd, I do all 5...

[@Inprogress_of_newbeginings]

Thank you. Heidi is just th best.

[@youtumbelina]

shit heidi I just talked about this with my therapist YESTERDAY. she was like "you're fixed now. stop reading stuff and watching stuff. go live your life. be happy"

[@MariaLuckyxo]

I love this advice. As someone who's worked on myself passionately for the last decade after trauma and finally healing , I resonate with the message of live life, find joy & happiness now:)💝✨💖

[@lalaurlalala]

As much as I appreciate this, I never wanna stop learning and growing!

[@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG]

at some point, you just gotta apply the stuff you learnt by living a happier life.

[@smokingcrab2290]

The greatest realization you'll ever make is that you no longer have to chase after everything you already have. Whatever it is you think you're lacking, youve had it all along.

[@Medietos]

@youtumbelina: A therapist can't claim one to "be fixed" only because she possibly did some genuine fixing work with and for you. You are the one to be changed and healed, and if you have more to do and need to read and listen more, that is your choice, is it not? And we don't heal completely, a psychologist mentioned, but healing is a lifelong process onwards.Sorry, maybe your therapist is really engaged, knows and can judge you well and is trustworthy and efficient. I have lost faith in all therapists after decades of wasting my life and energy, deception, dismissals, manipuklations, gaslighting, twistings,mistreatment from lack of enggement and understanding of me and from not activating their probable professionalism. Though former therapist Danlel Mackl3r tells us that they are often not very healthy themselves, nor help-willing even in difficult cases.Working on forghiveness, but they have destroyed my helath , faiith and life so badly.

[@smokingcrab2290]

All of us are victims of the mentality that says "you're not worthy to be loved unless you're perfect"

[@juan_castellanos19]

“At the end of the day, the first step towards healing from toxic shame means dropping the redemption fantasy of some future where the person you are right now with all of the feelings that the person you are right now has does not exist and you are some idealized version of yourself. And instead understanding that what true healing looks like is being the version of yourself you currently hate without hating them.” I love that!!

[@ChannelMath]

sounds impossible

[@SuraDoes]

Overshare: I am envious of people who turned to studying and work to cope with their abusive childhood. I used escapism and avoidance by watching TV or singing or baking to cope with depression and anxiety as a child. Shamed myself for not picking things up quickly and avoided schoolwork or anything that made me feel inadequate. Toxic shame and stress has become an addiction I would like to stop.

[@cosmosadorabilis7677]

I'm right there with you.

[@IfeomaNwanze1ze]

Me too.😊

[@Chimpgurl88]

I'm so excited for this I feel attacked already lol 😂

[@KarebelleMissKarebear]

😂

[@S.G.W.Verbeek]

I want to feel attacked all the ⏲️ ⏳️

[@hardenedsap]

Right? I screenshotted it to my bestie with "who does she think she is?!?!" I always feel so seen and understood just listening to her. Love it.

[@jessnoske3020]

Came to say exactly this. I’ve never felt so seen, and I don’t like it. 😂😅

[@simonwilson7581]

I would always fail at being perfect, and then I would resent myself for the failure, and then I would have shame and want to isolate from everybody until I re-emerged as a new person.

[@TO-fc6nk]

This made a lot of sense for me. I was a high school dropout, not because I couldn't do the work but because I was deeply depressed and going through hard times. I ended up finishing a few years later online and now i'm in college with a 4.0 gpa. I'm very very proud of myself, but I am constantly trying to prove to myself and others that I actually am smart, and trying to make others forget who I was in the past. It hurts when people think less of you

[@sophiahace9920]

((HUGS)) You’re perfect just as you are. ❤

[@TO-fc6nk]

@@sophiahace9920 Thank you kind soul

[@shelleyf7676]

Dignity. I have NEVER heard or read of a "mentor" suggesting this above or even in a relationship with self-esteem. I think it has been an unspoken aspect of the context of my efforts in this realm, but seriously, Heidi, you uncover and offer a depth of understanding of human nature that is so complete. The term "self esteem" no longer has space to lure me closer. But challenge me to think about the dignity I possess for myself, or certain parts of myself, now I am riveted to the process and ready to lean in. This, again, is your super-power!

[@JohnGeranien]

Heidi rebranded the ‘self-compassion’ to dignity. I don’t get the need to invent new terms. Your content is original enough, why create more confusion in the self-improvement sphere

[@kristae.7686]

​@JohnGeranien She didn't invent a new term, though. The word "dignity" has roots back to Latin. Also, self-compassion and dignity are two different things. Being kind to myself even if I believe I suck is different from being kind to myself because I believe I am good enough.

[@VivatVeritas1]

It also shows how language rules our thought processes, and how a shift in meaning can change your entire perspective.

[@ShadowCatDreams]

Internet is such a dual sword. I did watch those videos that tell you to go away and heal and come back better. And I had a hard day and that sounded like the best idea. Just cut off everyone. And being enneagram 5 it's so easy to do. I think when we are tying to heal we will believe anything in the moment that can help us even a bit. So it's good to see somebody call that stuff out.

[@kuiwanguistephanie]

So true

[@figsuitcase]

I noticed that I was telling romantic partners that I would "get better" in the future, verbally re-enforcing the idea that I had something to apologize or make up for by being who I was in the present moment. "Sorry I'm me, but I promise I'll get better." I usually did this when I was feeling burnt out, or depressed, and my ability to stay in touch with a sense of worth was totally lost for a time. I love this new quest for a felt-sense of dignity. I'm ready to dive in and stop leaving this me behind. I deserve to be treated with dignity, and compassion, especially by my own self.

[@kamsyanyachebelu1613]

I am a simple girl. Once Heidi drops a video, I save it to my playlist. I am so grateful for these videos and how aligned they are.

[@meetandinspire]

"The first step towards healing from toxic shame means dropping the redemption fantasy of some future where the person you are right now with all of the feelings that the person you are right now has does not exist."

[@idontknowyetwhoiam]

That sense of dignity you talk about, for me it feels like a false sense of dignity. Like I'm "logically" able to understand that a sense of dignity is what's required to get out of the well but the "feeling, emotional" body does not understand this and is still stuck in shame. Which just further dysregulates me and puts me into more shame because how can I have dignity when I know all the awful things I've done to dishonor myself.

[@madalinaanton3253]

I hear you and I feel the same , it's very often the case advice from videos like these just scratch the surface and don't meet most people where they are . For example I had discovered the concept of dignity through a revelation some years ago after one extreme self loathing episoade but my shame is intrusive and builds on itself, I feel ashamed for existing which makes me capable even of making myself ashamed of the way I breathe, that's because the most painful core belief I have is that I am subhuman, I can only logically deduce and tell myself no You are human and an achievement of the miracle that is this inhabitable planet, I literally have to see myself as a specimen or a tree and to imagine how complex human life is in general in order to even concive I have value . There is no way just hearing a new concept or asking yourself some questions to intelectualize your feelings would heal such complex trauma as we have , of course we get dysregulated when we try simplistic methods on our wounded selves .

[@INTJames]

Yep I grew up alone with an insane mother with multiple different types of narcissism that had no business trying to raise a kid when she can't even regulate herself, now I have zero self esteem, completely isolated, and constantly studying

[@KaruYT]

I relate

[@pure-pisces9980]

Same.!....56 years old.... single & trying to "change" & stop blaming myself!! It's lonely, frustrating, round & round.......bit like the baby elephant that grows up with the chain around his foot....but as an adult...does not realise his strength/worth that he is able to break free of this chain in any moment!!......yet only knows this chain!!!! 😔 ADD certainly does not help!!!!

[@eadamic17]

"Constantly studying" lol. I did this for 12 years, and woke up a few weeks ago almost 33 years old in absolute horror with the feeling that I have never lived. It has given me an interesting career, financial stability and a ridiculous skill set with an absurdly productive portfolio of work, but I have been alone my entire life, question every day why I am doing what I am doing and have never felt good about myself. I am also the product of an overwhelmed single mother (also an INTJ, coincidentally), and I have never felt that anyone could genuinely want to be with me. I am not sure what we do about this, bud. It helps me to understanding that it makes sense given the obstacles that we have to overcome early in life, and that better times can be ahead.

[@frv6610]

It wouldn't be so bad to waste 30 years if we could live 300 years, but ​80 years lifespan makes it a problem@@eadamic17

[@smokingcrab2290]

And now you're a gigachad and I bet you're mom's saying "you should be thanking me"

[@egob8it]

When I was 14 I became obsessed with pinterest posts about moving in silence, what people dont know they cant ruin. I made it a goal to be in my room always, to sit with myself and make myself unavailable to others. It validated the idea that no one understood me because I only felt safe in my room. It validated the idea that other people were ignorant, they weren’t driven to understand themselves like I was. I felt isolated from others, I felt above them. Looking back, I crave that maladaptive comfort. I am an adult now with responsibilities and priorities, I can’t afford to sit in my room on Pinterest all day. But boy was it the best cocoon. I carry many deeply engrained habits and self-concepts from that time, specifically this feeling of superiority which I still automatically turn to to justify my fear of intimacy. In my bubble, I love myself. Other people interfere with this. They are a threat. You are helping me look at myself from an inquisitive perspective. Many dots are connecting between portions of my life I have never considered before. Thank you.

[@jontnoneya3404]

Ugh - I've felt this addiction for so long it's led to this weird self-improvement backlash or fatigue or both. It's so weird. I bought "Healing the shame that binds you" but for the life of me I simply can't get motivated to read it because it's yet ANOTHER in a VERY long line of self-help books that I've been reading, studying and trying to implement in my life since the late 80s but mostly late 90s when I got sober. I'm literally SICK AND FREAKING TIRED OF WORKING ON MYSELF!! I'm going to be 57 this year and by no means am I perfect or healed or any of that. I've made great progress in many things in my life but I'm so damned sick and tired of self help crap that I can't even seem to do the simple things like read another book that might help me. Part of me is in full on rebellion and simply refuses to consider reading anything at all. Yet here I am watching a video about it.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Self improvement isnt really self improvement at all. What it's really saying is "you need to change to meet the arbitrary ever-changing standards of people who don't even care about you". That's not self improvement. That's enslavement to a performance based lifestyle that will cause nothing but stress and inner turmoil.

[@brewmastermonk9356]

​@@smokingcrab2290have you tried audiobooks? You should check out "The Body Keeps the Score".

[@cinderling5472]

Hi there, i feel you. I'm in the same boat 😢 it's overwhelming.. There's so much to still do and progress can feel so slow 😞 I just wanna say i think you're amazing for coming so far. Becoming sober is incredible And it's totally okay to take a break ❤ Big hugs

[@jontnoneya3404]

@@cinderling5472 - thanks for the encouraging words. Big hugs right back atcha! ❤

[@tonyasargent57]

I feel in our society it is super common to always talk about the future better versions of ourselves as a way to attempt to connect. Media mostly shows delusional fantastic versions of people, so we often think perfection is expected.

[@valleyspringrecoverycenter]

Great Video. Toxic shame is usually rooted in a belief of inherent unworthiness, perpetuating a cycle of dissatisfaction and self-critique. But we are worthy and we can recover.

[@smokingcrab2290]

When you're rejected and put down so much you eventually begin to believe in everyones reactions as if you're the cause.

[@maddyG7414]

This was me for about 8 years of my life, which is pretty sad. I took a year long break from any external self improvement, instead focusing on healing my shame. Now I can set goals and ‘improve’ from a place that doesn’t feel shameful and broken.

[@lovelace5286]

Heidi is on a MISSION to heal us yall

[@jaredbitz]

Everything you say here is really spot on for me. I'm in the middle of one of those periods of isolation right now - I left my job two months ago and have been struggling trying to "become good enough to rejoin society" since then, even as I know it's an unproductive way to see things. There's this constant tension between the loneliness I feel in the present and the fear of being seen and judged for those shameful parts of myself. I really appreciate what you say about seeing yourself as a kind, supportive parent might - "It's OK that you are where you are, and it doesn't make you an inherently bad/broken person." I hope that I and everybody else watching this can tell ourselves that more in the future.

[@Turtlpwr]

I’ve struggled with lifelong toxic shame and guilt and spend most of my time hating myself and feeling trapped in my body. I just can’t stand “being a person”. I feel like I’m always doing everything wrong, and now that I’m almost 40, I feel like I don’t even know what I like to do anymore and have such a hard time enjoying anything - including the things that made me feel alive (former professional musician). I know where it all comes from (complex family trauma), and I’ve been in therapy for 12 years now with multiple therapists but it feels like no one can hear nor understand me. I’m at a point where I’ve pretty much given up on trying to even be ok with myself. I’m so tired. I don’t want to be here but I also don’t want to die either; which then makes my toxic shame worse. I don’t truly feel like there is any hope for me anymore.

[@Valuofnature]

I just feel the need to drop this: If you’re given your mind on your hands to steer towards GOOD thoughts or BAD thoughts, which would you choose? I bet the former. So, you see that what you’re doing is constantly steering in the bad and wrong direction. My point is, it is your responsibility to direct your thoughts the way you want. It is your job my friend. No one is coming to get you and I believe you know that by now. Stand for the Life that you represent. Begin to pay attention and don’t just live your mind to be everywhere. You can only do this by being present. Just try and gradually with baby steps you will see. It won’t be easy given that so much time has passed but guess what, more time will pass if you do not start today. People cannot be your problem at this time also because you might have noticed also that no one really cares. Care for and about yourself so that you can take care of your loved ones. We are still MORTAL. No time for nonsense living. Our time here is short. Good luck

[@joshliam1967]

I started the day feeling exhausted, and when I honestly expresssed that in two interactions with people I noticed I felt much better right away. Seems that validating myself as opposed to constantly needing to mask can make a huge difference.

[@smokingcrab2290]

When you operate according to a higher purpose, it removes your need to live for the reactions of others.

[@shelbytimbrook2095]

Maybe it's just me, but I bet many of the people who go down that whole "detach, change yourself entirely, and come back unrecognizable" path, don't feel like their friends and family love them for who they are. I certainly don't. I certainly feel like they love me for what I can do, for my productivity, and if I weren't productive I'd be a burden. Working on trying to 'fix' that, but it took me years just to be aware of it, so it's probably going to be a while.

[@Kikipotamus]

What I love about IFS is the way I can lovingly approach both the part of myself that is frustratingly stuck and the part of myself that is frustrated with the first part, as neither of those two parts is my true Self. IFS rocks. I'm so glad I read No Bad Parts.

[@fusonion]

Lord God...just looking at this title tells me this is going to be a heavy day 😭😂. Thank you as always Heidi ❤

[@MS-ns4ki]

My heart is so heavy. Not one person can meet me where I am.

[@TheRealStevenBuscemi]

I've disengaged for 3 years. I go full days not using my voice anymore. Always hiding, always fixing, always excusing my present self to make way for the new improved that never arrives.

[@truhartwood3170]

I can't recommend this channel to enough people. And when I do everyone is blown away by how insightful and helpful it is. ❤

[@gooutandplay9963]

8:29 whoa… How do you know that? Maybe a person’s “friends” and family are the toxic ones that have been holding them back.

[@SenditAZ]

She never said she knew anything she said “probably”

[@anastasiyaguenov3957]

You got to be a genius. I have been in therapy for 2 years and done so much work .. but you described my issues in three videos. wow!

[@evamaai3224]

I have been following your channel for over a year now and every video has brought home some major point that I had not understood from either therapy or reading (Alice Miller, John Bradshaw, Bessel van der Kork etc.). I feel your videos are growing with me in my healing process. I am in awe how this is maybe actually the only source of information I have not "outgrown" over this past year. Thanks to your channel I joined ACA a year ago and found a solid mutual support network I have never had access to before in my life. Thank you for this video.

[@yallhyan]

Hi Heidi, I just found your video today, and I’m so deeply moved. I wanted to thank you for the way you spoke about Toxic Shame and dignity-it felt like you were putting into words thoughts I’ve had for so long but couldn’t express as clearly. Your example of the father who loves his child unconditionally really touched me. It reminded me of how I need to show up for myself with that same love and integrity, no matter what struggles I face. I’ve also been reading the book you mentioned in your video, Healing the Shame That Binds You. I’m in the middle of it now, and hearing your thoughts about it feels so reassuring and comforting. You’ve added so much value to what I’ve been learning. The way you bring these insights to life and connect them to real, relatable experiences makes such a difference. What really struck me in your video was how you reminded me to honor who I am right now-not just the version I’m striving for in the future or the one I remember from the past. You helped me see that the person I am today, the one who wants to heal and grow, is worthy of love and appreciation. That perspective has already started to shift how I see myself, and I owe that to you. Your words are a true gift. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your voice, and your heart. You’ve helped me understand myself better and inspired me to approach my journey with more authenticity and love. I’m so grateful I found your work.

[@mimi_thinks]

John Bradshaw changed my life. Thank you for keeping his legacy alive 💕

[@Nrnrvp]

Heidi you are amazing!! I dont know why I resonate with you so much. Is it because I am also an ENFP or you are REALLY GOOD at what your doing? You taught me so much. Thank you for being here. Love U

[@LazarusFeels]

Probably one of your videos I am going to come back to many many times. Already excited for re-listening to this in future. Few points stood out for me: 1. As I have learnt to like + accept where I am, it doesnt feel like a well anymore. Its more like a path on a flat-land, or just some stairs that I need to walk up. 2. We can love our selves and still want to self-improve. The 2 concepts are non-mutually exclusive. 3. It is possible to shame ourselves against change too. probably learnt through environments we were exposed to (as you have suggested in later part of the video). 4. If our dislike for where we are is overpowering, we can get addicted to any way out, vs the right way out (do i genuinely like the direction I am heading in, am i enjoying the process of change?)

[@asentientgoose]

Had this long conversation with my partner yesterday about the Ego and how I might have some psychopathic tendencies - but watching this I am understanding that I am trapped in a toxic shame cycle and not letting myself breathe. I project onto others what I also refuse in myself. The law of mirroring. I hope to accept myself as I am, soon. I’d love for you to do a video on self worth vs self esteem, because those two have complexities beyond the definitions. Love your work, Heidi!

[@asentientgoose]

also, another request would be how to “shame fact check” healthily? I know that if I did a behaviour I deem as “shameful”, I don’t have the skills to measure as to whether it’s deemed appropriate for shame/rejection or not? Like it’s up to the other person/people perceiving said behaviour?

[@MayaLove1976]

Far out! I e been obsessively working on my trauma for 8 yrs and follow all the top psychologist and this is the first time I’ve heard this! This is 100% me but I’m obsessed with spiritual/emotional healing while putting my physical needs and present life last… which has just just put me more completely into shame and isolation! And I’m still trying to fix my problems in the same way. Gosh I wish I heard this years ago…… 🤯🤯🤯 Thank you so much! Big wake up call!

[@tonyasargent57]

Beautifully put. I got emotional at the end. This is similar to saying I will love myself when I'm skinny. I learned I must love myself and want to be healthier thats when progress happens ❤

[@dabneymedia7220]

This video helped me come to the realization that I’m afraid of feeling ashamed! It just all of a sudden clicked! I’ve always been trying to figure out why I am the way I am, a large part of that is avoiding shame, it makes sense now, THANK YOU!

[@kuiwanguistephanie]

Oh my, me too

[@pamelasimmons1689]

Jeez this hit me like a ton of bricks. I am constantly addicted to self improvement, or the idea of it, with the vision of my future self in mind. All these great improvements I seek to get that girl to be her best self but look at my current self with disgust. Eye opening, I didn't realize this wasn't the way everyone was.

[@lynnaebrown]

Damn! I feel seen, understood and attacked all at once! THIS is why I subscribe to this channel. On point every damn time.

[@lindapham4876]

Heidi is honestly sooo underrated! She is so articulate in explaining such complexities of the human experience so succinctly

[@Valuofnature]

She’s been there

[@TheKandiqurl]

Literally in love with her brain 😅❤

[@simonwilson7581]

Wow, I watched this a second time and now every thing makes sense. I think I developed this perfectionist mentality because of abusive family that either rewarded my grandiose achievements and gestures, or belittled me for very normal things. I would always fantasise about overcoming all my struggles, and then living to tell the tale with a book or something but it's not happening because right now, I am more successful than I ever imagined I could be but I'm constantly moving the goal posts. I can either live my life constantly trying to chase perfection, or I can be vulnerable by showing people my authentic-self so I can first allow myself to feel comfortable in my own skin. Self-work from that place is then all about growth rather than trying to lift my head up out of the well and above the water line.

[@wiccadwitch1060]

I've felt for a long time that self-improvement caused me more pain and shame. It wasn't helpful to actually learning self acceptance and it only fuelled the inner critic more. I can relate to all these signs. Thank you

[@frv6610]

It helps me though but it is not a quick solution, it can take 40 years or more

[@IfeomaNwanze1ze]

😂​@@frv6610

[@katshades]

I have been addicted to self improvement books and videos. Enough. I already know what the problem is and how to fix it. I just need to do it. Starting is the biggest problem.

[@roxy7255]

Every time you release a new video I am actually blown away by how good and insightful you are. There is nothing like this anywhere else on KZbin

[@Happywholy]

Be present. Be authentic. Share the real you. Stay with yourself and on your team as you try to improve.

[@kiaray00]

Oh my God… this has been me for like the last three past years in the name of ‘self-developing’. It feels great to know that there’s a solution to the ongoing toxic-shame conundrum. I loved how you said that dignity is about respecting the parts that we constantly abuse. That spoke volumes to me because I’ve been abusing myself into things unknowingly.

[@mollyw00d95]

this and your other video on toxic shame have been so enlightening and healing for me - probably more than anything else I've ever watched, heard, or read. thank you so much. as for future content, I'd love a video that goes more in-depth on perfectionism and how we can let go of that to accept and even embrace our imperfection/messiness.

[@AracellePalanca-mk5yf]

Heidi, I've been watching your videos for a couple of months now. Some videos I watch in repeat just to keep me afloat during really hard days. But this video...this one really hit me. I could never put a finger on what's wrong with me because I always try every self-improvement resources, I've gone to therapy, but still I feel like there's something that I cannot fix. It feels so hard to accept and see that there's something wrong with me so I always feel shame for the person that I am right now. And I'm always idealizing for the person that I want to be. Like why can't I be that mentally stable and secure person that I wanna be even though I'm trying really hard? And this video puts an answer to that. I feel so validated, seen, and understood. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for making this video. Seriously Heidi, I wish you all the good things in life. You're a blessing to many people.

[@KidVll]

When i think the prospect of not hating myself it just seems insurmountable.

[@trichomaxxx]

I'm watching this video twice to make sure I improve myself with this one problem that I have.

[@BaiMengLing]

While watching this video I started crying a lot when I realized that every other week when my toddler is with his dad, I keep myself extremely busy to the point of exhaustion just to avoid feeling sad because I miss my child so much :(

[@Ohhhwehere]

thabk you so much for this video Heidi. when corona hit us in 2020 it forced me to revalidate my life and I decited to move back home to my country, left my dull social life, left my abusive bf and absndoned my studies. I spent one year just resting and healing, the next uear the first 3 months I did the same but I felt like I wanted more so I started to see other people but I felt that I had to work on my self all the time or ells I could not like myself ir be proud of what I overcome. Thabk you so much for reminding me to live my life even when I am reading up on healing and self improvment ❤

[@chueyv9080]

Story of my life. My narcissistic father made me feel the shamed me and blamed me for my family issues as kid and throughout my life.

[@simonwilson7581]

I literally had my phone wallpaper as the view looking up from a well. I convinced myself that it would be motivational to get myself up and I to that idealised version of myself...

[@R0CK0Nbaby]

Wow you're just incredible. I was actually going through this last night, I finally let myself feel all of the shame and unworthiness I had been running away from my whole life, and it didn't destroy me! I'm still alive! It was uncomfortable but not overwhelming, I felt so much shame and I'm still ok. It came about because I was realizing that I was feeling burned out from feeling like I constantly needed to be better. It didn't occur to me that I was addicted to self-improvement, but I absolutely was. I couldn't accept me as I am right now and was constantly striving to be a better version of myself. You posting this video is so synchronistic, you're so amazingly helpful and such a guiding light in my life, so grateful for you Heidi!

[@firouz256]

I have had a very challenging life. But learning something new has always saved my life. Every time I got stuck, couldn't change my station or environment, I have changed myself. Through it I became smarter, made new degrees, learned something new, met new people or exposed myself to a new environment. I have days where I feel unloved, unattractive or unhappy. Some dark days turn into weeks. I don't feel perfect but nobody does. Yes I do dislike aspects of my character or personality (everybody does) but if I can change them, I do it! At least I try to be a better version of myself (which is something I rarely observe in others). I am proud of myself for being adaptable to change, embracing it and not being afraid of it! I have lived so many lives. Dancer, Singer; Designer, Art Director and now educator! I prove to myself that my upbringing, my trauma, my childhood or heritage don't define what I am able to do in life. I try my best! If there is negative parts in me that I struggle to accept, always being open to changing, improving, learning are the great parts in me that I worked hard for! It gives me self-esteem. I improve myself. By doing that I make the best out of what live has given me. It gives me a new perspective on life and most importantly on MYSELF and the idea of what I believe I should or could be. I keep surprising myself!Now I understand I am so many things and yet myself. It helps me to reset boundaries and redefine borders... not only for my personality but also for my skills, my talents and limits! I get to know new people, work in new jobs and understand that we are all more than what is expected of us or what we believe what we are! Yes... it is exhausting sometimes and as I get older I have less energy to start a new project. People hate me for it. They struggle to put me into a box ("What are you? An architect or an educator?"), my family doesn't understand me ("Everyone else at your age has a family with kids and a house but you keep changing jobs"), many are jealous(duh), many find me inauthentic or fake ("how can he be so many different things? You must be fake!") and it is difficult for me to find a partner ("I can't keep up with you"). But I wouldn't want to live any other way. I find happiness in exploring myself. Everyone else is welcome to join the ride! I have only one life and it is short. I want to experience and learn as much as possible as long as I am alive. Every day could be the last day of my life on this wondrous planet.

[@ataxie]

Heidi, your contribution to this world is far more greater than you might ever think. God bless you ❤

[@dextercool]

I get so many epiphanies with this - having been through the 'self-improvement' trip and therapy - I have been searching for the words and trying to connect disperate bits of info floating around about myself and my circumstances - this video (and others) have helped me link up, package, label and understand some of the ideas here in a way that makes sernse of my experience and is helping me think about moving forward in a healthy way. I appreciate you!

[@ebbyc1817]

Wow, Heidi. I don't even know what to say. Thank you for this.

[@Awakening_With_Love]

Yay!! More new content!! You’re community & I appreciate your contributions to help us navigate all relationships 👏👑💚 I’d love to see more on Secure + Secure 😂 Sounds silly, it’s almost like Secure + Secure isn’t extremely compatible unless having same passions, hobbies, purpose, & almost enjoy our own space & marching to the beat of our own drum 🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤣 Your content has helped me in parenting & proactively co-parenting to shape our kids confidence & inner knowing! Thank you again, you rock!! 🏆✨👑

[@Awakening_With_Love]

Not sure if you’ve dug into Alpha, Beta, & Sigmas; I’m a Sigma & would love to get your insight on who to surround one’s self with! You are right though, I protect my energy & only make room for those on similar paths. 🤣

[@trinsit]

The other thing that keeps us trapped is how all the actual help is kept behind pay walls. Getting tid bits that give you a big sense of relief for understanding your situation better, but not actually helping you get out of it because it costs hundreds or thousands of dollars to attend a course.

[@kaylabird5942]

I've been listening, taking notes and applying your videos while in isolation for the last 8 months. I am about to finish Healing the Shame that Binds you. I have been slowly coming out of hiding. This video was definitely needed for me to reflect. Thank you so much for doing this, you are an invaluable resource that I treasure immensely.

[@thepeculiarmaple]

I feel this. As someone who was labeled "erratic" and "crazy" literally a year agodue to my behaviors, I feel ashamed still. 2:22 Made me start crying 😢 I literally feel so seen here.....I feel like Ill never have a romantic partner or anything if I don't become someone else. I used to be addicted to Monster energy and sex, but now its limerance and self improvement.... :((

[@thepeculiarmaple]

I feel like it's hard to be proud of myself, because nothing I set up before has come to fruition. I flunked out of college, and I spent years trying to become more regulated. I'm more regulated now, but I'm still ashamed it took seemingly forever.... I see a better version of me, currently, but they don't even look like me. Not even physically. I feel so upset that I'm not fit....and when I don't work on that, through excercize or eating even better than the last day, I get frustrated and down.

[@thepeculiarmaple]

Also, I've seen that video before I'm sure. ://

[@danielposavec7215]

Wow, what a summary from 28:05 to 29:35 ! I got goosebumps!

[@connectropy]

8:48 Went away to university with infrequent stays back home. After several years to have other people reflect back true information to me about me, I was genuinely unhappy to discover my family expected me to still be / still allow behaviors that no longer were tolerable. They love me, more conditionally than they can admit. I have found it best to love them with forgiveness and unconditionally, though from afar. Sometimes it's like that🤷🏻‍♀️

[@veronicaperez7063]

WOW, this may be REALLY really ironic, but do you have recommendations for therapists in the TX area that specialize in attachment healing, Heidi? My search has been exhausting and I really could use your help finding someone for professional accountability/guidance with my healing. 🙏🏾 I'm Latina, 30 y/o and just now getting to the point where I catch myself in my anxious/fearful-avoidant patterning. Untangling this while still have a familia with very traditional/shame-centric ways has been a journey... But I'm determined to come out the other side. PLEASE, would appreciate any advice for therapists you have in mind- even if we meet virtually! And THANK YOU for your work! You are a true gem in the YT space. 💎

[@melaniejane3116]

22:45 this is crazy, I grew up loving art and told my parents in college that I wanted to go into a degree for art, they laughed at/mocked me & I ended up getting a degree in finance. And I am extremely unfulfilled in life.

[@kuiwanguistephanie]

Go back for the Art 😢

[@susanavieira9083]

This video screams honesty from you and groundedness to all of us watching. I feel that those are common denominators in your vídeos and that’s why i find your work so appealing, and kind of different than other “magical” types of advice one can find out there.

[@SimplyaLady92]

Girl lol, why are snooping into my head. I appreciate that you did

[@george-zhi-zhao]

Your videos are seriously life-changing. Have learned a ton from hearing you articulate these concepts in a way that's easy to understand

[@retter5137]

Unique take. I love the concept of self dignity. thank you

[@imgnatkursld]

I learned this about myself a while ago and that's what brought me here. Every line of this video hits so close to home. I wish I had all these videos 10 years ago.

[@BadenPOWER189]

I have NEVER heard someone giving advice on this level! Thanks on behalf of humankind for giving us this for free ❤

[@alexandra5127]

Thissss!! I used to do so much dispenza type meditation, where you visualise visualise visualise your future self. But it’s just now started to reach a point where I can’t- creating a massive hate/love divide between now me and future me

[@workingonmybest]

Oof, a lot of these hit really close to home. I spent the first half cringing pretty much constantly, but that's good. Something I'd love to see you cover, because I feel like you provide takes less commonly talked about, is when shame looks like neutrality because you "nothing yourself." I've always dismissed the toxic shame narrative because I dont have negative self talk, I don't think to myself that I'm something bad, etc. Because I generally don't even think of myself, I dissociate. But watching this video and relating to the signs, I realized that I treat myself the same way I do people I have a problem with and dont want in my life. I "nothing them," and won't even make eye contact if we're at the same event and I socialize around them. I'd love a video on that if that's a thing. Because I really struggle to relate to the toxic shame narrative and do something about it if the denial is immediately "well I don't talk to myself that way"

[@kieran2961]

💯 great advice Heidi. Thanks again! Slow n steady and realness of self.

[@CloudSturgeon]

That point around 22:30 where you suggest that we might self-select environments that have the same rules for social acceptance and rejection as those in our childhood environments made a A LIGHTBULB go off in my mind, holy cow.

[@r.p.8906]

I had a few moments in life that were life changing. This video is jaw dropping and is life changing to me. I am blown away. I sold my books on a garage sale 15 years ago while still constantly working on myself and people taught I was a psychologist when they came to see the books. I had about 100. I am not a psychologist. I am addicted to self improvement and you are the one who explained why. JAW DROPPING!! THANK YOU!!🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹. I can finally BE who I am.

[@carloscampo9119]

Another mindblowing video full of insight that speaks to me strongly. Once again, I thank you for your advice and guidance Heidi. The lessons resonate with me deeply.

[@hannah__jemima]

I can relate to how pivotal moments of dignity have been for me in giving me an opening to call in compassion. Before watching this I'd been journaling about a feeling of shame that came up when comparing my healing progress/results to someone else's, and seeing the dignity in where I currently am in my process and the strength it's requiring every day to continue on my chosen path is helping to get me out of that shame. I don't think it will be my last battle with shame, but I hope it brings me one step closer to winning the war. Also unrelated - just noticed you dye your hair darker? that colour looks great on you (assumed it was natural haha)! Mine's only a touch darker. I'm half-asian so you might typically expect me to better suit the dark hair, but it looks more harmonious on you somehow 🙂

[@reboooot]

This is the kind of content that will survive the entertainment psych purge. Thank you for being authentic.

[@MyNameIsntDamien]

So much great content, lately. Starting to feel like I'm reparenting myself on nights and weekends and Heidi is my inner child's stay at home mom, lol. Thanks for everything, you're saving lives.

[@Judymontel]

The healing part... 18:30 or so... I'm in tears. Thank you, Heidi. Your description of all of the parts of myself staying on board to navigate forward really packs a punch.

[@sstistrup]

You are an absolute gift Heidi. I've been watching a lot of your videos and thought i'd actually comment for once. Your videos always hit home in a way thats rare for me. Somehow, even though i've read so much about attatchment theory, shame etc etc, when you speak about it, it reaches further down and some of the deeper defences around shame loosens up that it almost brings tears to my eyes. The fact that you've been where i am, and understand it so deeply, speaks volumes of the work you've done and i just wanted to show my sincere gratitude for what you are doing, thank you Heidi!

[@generaldilvry69]

Hedi - you have initiated a major transformation in my life. I literally was in Chapter 6 of Shame That Binds Us, and idk y, but i was really feeling hopeless, maybe overwhelmed. I had to put it down for a minute and your video was at the top of my feed. So on point. I think Bradshaw would reply that addiction to self improvement is on the grandiosity, shameless, inauthentic side of toxic shame. But i love how your discussion of retreating from the present is almost a like a type of limerence. ❤

[@sanra167]

Everytime I listen to your videos I feel better instantly, it’s crazy cause sometimes it takes me days to, weeks before watching your video, just fearing what I might hear

[@lai6551]

Great, another video specifically aimed at me. Just did a breakup where he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough the whole time and I’ve been trying to get better but was feeling burned out on trying so hard to get back to “normal” Can’t wait to watch this, all the other videos have been so helpful

[@BeccahJoy]

I've never felt so relieved to finally understand my headspace. ❤

[@XZ858XZ]

Okay these are good. I never even thought about talking about/over focusing on the person you are becoming as a sign of shame-based self-improvement. My thing I ALWAYS do is talk about how I used to see/do/feel about things and compare to how I currently am.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

You are so right at this, Heidi... dignity. I'm going to live more of that. Thank you.

[@MasterJoJYTP]

I subscribed to this channel thinking about how wonderful of a resource I would find this to be. Now my eyes scan my subscription feed with fear of her smiling face; wondering if I will find the strength to withstand the atomic truth bomb she will unleash upon my battered soul. Great job

[@ctokens3503]

Im grateful for youtube channels like yours. Thank you for trying to take care of all us stranger's out here who are trying to recreate the versions of us that were always there but just needed the right guidance 💚💪

[@HorseMelons]

Nonstop exactly what I need videos lately, great work as usual!

[@ibow2u131]

Heidi, I believe you are a great compliment to John Bradshaw’s book. “Heal the shame that binds you “ After reading so many I finally found that book. It is the one I consider most treasured. So helpful and spot on. “Homecoming “ book also,,,,transformative!! I know religion is always touchy ,,,but. If you recognize God in your life you will never be alone again. Everyone you meet is a brother or sister and everything you felt guilt for is forgiven. Not a bad thing.