Trump Wants Pence’s Endorsement | Speaker Mike Johnson Takes the Bible Literally

[@marylhere]

He’s back baby. Some of the best writers and the best delivery. Thanks.

[@daiakunin]

I never knew that the Flintstones was a historical docudrama, but now I do thanks to Mike Johnson!

[@jayrutter6111]

Wonderful writing and flawless delivery makes Colbert the best of the late night shows.

[@FVWhimsy2010]

LOL, Jurassic Ark...someone deserves a bonus for that one!

[@musicinggp]

The writers on your show, Stephen, are letting go of all their pent up frustrations and I'm loving every word!

[@natefoldan]

Yeah this was a really quality monologue

[@richard1472]

I have a feeling that the writers, during the strike, were working from home, stockpiling bits for the show.

[@bjodaddyo]

Thank God for that. His shows were really starting to take a power dive.

[@sheilaboston7051]

@@richard1472 I cannot believe they missed pairing Santos with the baby and donnie's comments about Republicans eating their young! Or is that too dark and I just can't see it?

[@richard1472]

@@sheilaboston7051 I must have missed the part about George Santos with the baby (?). Anyway, I was just getting ready to go horizontal for the night. Be well, dear Sheila.

[@2cute2021]

Thank you to Colbert and the writers. This was a great monologue!

[@KoreanJohn417]

Ask him about pedo island lol😂

[@jenniechavez7085]

Stephen, you kept me alive during the Pandemic and I continue to need your comedy to keep my sanity in all of this 'maga-world'--God will surely reserve a front-row seat for you in Heaven or better yet a Golden Stage. Writers and Stephen--the Best--Thank You!

[@Funnyandsunnydays]

So true. Thank you Stephen.

[@judywhiting1675]

COLBERT IS VERY SACRELIGEOUS....not cute or funny

[@beverlydale5409]

One of the very best sketches! Can't wait for the rich to sell their goods and give it to the poor!

[@PeteEllson5656]

Absolutely love the Jurassic Ark bit. Hilarious!! You always kill it, Steven.

[@jayjethwa]

Brilliant episode, this one. Laughed until I had pain in my stomach!! Fantastic Stephen. Thanks.

[@dalewyatt1321]

Now that was gold. Welcome back comedy writers.

[@carolz5090]

Stephen, fantastic monologue tonight! Brilliant, best ever! I have no idea how you managed to say it all so quickly without ever tripping up. I felt like I was watching a masterclass in comedic timing. Bravo!

[@ayodejiolasimbo]

Thank you for this Stephen and the whole team. You made my day😂.

[@Primo_extracts]

"Slip a little church tongue in your state hole" I had to push pause, I was lol for real😂😂😂🎉

[@smi2le4ever]

“Sioux close” made me laugh way too hard.

[@naujaral2131]

Great monologue as usual, Colbert in top form!! thank you!!

[@timefortinybirdandfriends6565]

His writers are the best! And, his delivery knows no equal!

[@marylhere]

That WAS fun.

[@bjodaddyo]

Disagree

[@jimmythebold589]

I love Colbert, but Fallon has had realluy good material from his writers recently. Perhaps the strike refreshed them...

[@knightspearhead5718]

They've definitely been putting alot more effort in since there break.

[@harmonicajay91]

Every time Mike Johnson speaks, they should put subtitles underneath him, a la South Park, that says "THIS IS WHAT MIKE JOHNSON ACTUALLY BELIEVES!".

[@RangerStranger4Danger]

MIKE PENCE NEEDS TO BE FORCED TO CARRY HIS CAMPAIGN TO TERM!!!!

[@CloudsGirl7]

Indeed, and if an infection occurs, *oh well* . He should've thought about that before he decided to run so salaciously.

[@kateuhler7803]

Johnson needs to read how the founders felt about Common Sense and Reason.

[@davidsmith-uw2ci]

Exactly and I love how they claim separation of church and state is not what they meant, but they have zero receipts to point to, to support it. But as pro separation ppl we can point to everything to show that what they said is what separation of church and state is what they meant.

[@feliciar.8838]

Right also how the GOP tell lies and show hatred towards people. Which is a no no in the Ten commandments

[@linshanhsiang]

How many are aware Jefferson created a version of the gospels with all the miracles taken out? Obviously thought they were bogus.

[@tokul76]

@@linshanhsiang But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

[@ushere5791]

he wouldn't understand it--his brain isn't wired for common sense or reason. all he'd do is twist it into justification for hate and believing myth and superstition as if they were literal truth.

[@sophiaestella5611]

“Our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions any more than our opinions in physics or geometry...” ― Thomas Jefferson, The Statute Of Virginia For Religious Freedom

[@joeschmo3844]

“In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty.” -Thomas Jefferson

[@joeschmo3844]

“Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions. Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus.” -Thomas Jefferson

[@DrRestezi]

Colbert (and his writing team) were on fire for this one.

[@cleverusername9369]

As someone from Scotland, you can always tell when trump is in the country because his golf club Turnberry is on the west coast, and as a result of his vast and incomprehensible bulk, the entirety of the island of Great Britain tilts slightly. Furthermore, the westerly winds carry as far inland as Edinburgh an odor of manure, KFC, and spray tanner, the livestock refuse to mate, the crops in the fields wither and die, and fetuses abort themselves.

[@Sassysongstress]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂Touche!!!😂😂😂

[@MarlaBlair-ys2zu]

This is a very funny comment. Thank you. It made me laugh out loud, and most things about the donald are getting old and tiresome. You perked it up a bit.

[@biff5856]

Freaking hilarious.

[@wildshadowstar]

I would have thought that everyone fleeing to the east coast to escape his presence would level out his weight tipping the island.

[@russward2612]

I have an aunt who emigrated from Scotland in the late 1960s. She has a way with words like you do.

[@sergiosaunier]

Mike Johnson is a wolf in sheep's clothing: if you let him, he'll make Atwood's Gilead a real thing.

[@ellie.b.e.]

Precisely. We need Colbert and the others to surface WAY more about this man. He’s scary.

[@TSIRKLAND]

He barely even bothers with the sheep's clothing; he's pretty transparent as to what he's about. That's the scary thing!

[@nancyjay790]

So, now we know what one of the Commanders will look like.

[@TheKhaliente]

We are already 2 chapters into our Atwood dystopia, where you been?

[@martinedwards2004]

Well, Putin has already asked his female population to get to work solving their low birth rate problem. I’m sure Johnson can come up with a theocracy based solution.

[@charlesmartin1121]

'Rated G for Geesus.' GENIUS!

[@ShortyBilly]

I think Trump really wanted Pence to "Hang in there!" 🤣🤣🤣

[@barbaraweed6318]

Good one

[@vickilawrence7207]

Hilarious

[@le7mule21]

Niiiiiiiiccee!😅

[@betty-joymoreau4363]

👍🏻

[@lisap.1826]

😂😂😂 they weren't shouting "hang Mike Pence", they were saying " hang in there Mike Pence." 😂😂😂

[@LiamLivesOn]

As an atheist, Colbert is the perfect kind of Christian. He is faithful to his beliefs, doesn't force others to live a certain way, does not undermine others beliefs and also knows the Bible is not a historical fact book but a book of faith. If everyone was that way about their religion then the world would be a much happier place

[@CloudsGirl7]

As a fellow Atheist, I agree. One of my parents is a Christian, but they have been a fine example of those who are sane and not @$$holes. They look at other so-called "Christians" and shake their head in confusion and shame and disown them.

[@jof9089]

Isn't Colbert Catholic?

[@hplaptoplover]

@@jof9089Yeah

[@christianwendt7852]

​@@jof9089 OP is the atheist

[@leeknight5462]

​@@CloudsGirl7I completely understand how your parent who is Christian feels. My husband and I keep saying it makes us embarrassed to listen to how Christian values are being twisted to suit whatever garbage is being is being spouted. I may be a Christian, but I respect you and your right to be you. Peace.

[@erickoontz6835]

Oh, Stephen, every time I see one of the videos of your Late Night, my day becomes complete, and my spirit is lifted with laughter… Every time! 😂🤣

[@ernesthill4017]

I'm an early to bed and early riser. I start my day watching last night's monolog to put a smile on my face before I greet the world😊

[@stanleycostello9610]

Stephen and his writers were on fire tonight.

[@deandavidson1375]

Been a fan of Stephen Colbert since he was one of Jon Stewart's correspondents on the Daily show. The first time I saw him when he became the host on that show he asked a politician ' If you're so innocent, why won't you admit your guilt?' He made the transition easy for me. Brilliant! So glad you're back. Strike Force Five should rule!

[@debraderoos5225]

Totally agree.

[@Amick44]

​@@deandavidson1375I Appreciate that he uses his platform to speak for many of us normal, ordinary folks who want rump and rumpism expunged from the American political scene.

[@deandavidson1375]

@@Amick44 good to have voices like his. Helps keep my blood pressure in check

[@helios7212]

👏👏👏👏👏💯💯💯🙏🙏🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@cloud__99]

There’s been a visibly lighter streak of grey in Stephen’s front wave after the strike and I’m here for it, this man ages like fine wine 🖤

[@SeldimSeen1]

How does someone like Mike Johnson get into law school and actually pass the bar.

[@varonadee6980]

By graduating from the illustrious Louisiana State's Paul M. Hebert Law Center. He then founded his own legal non-profit ministry to represent Christians involved in lawsuits. He is as smarmy as his smug smile indicates.

[@5400bowen]

What, you missed the big scandal about the rich people buying their kids a degree with money and falsified records?

[@nancyjay790]

It's almost as if someone who claims to live their life according to a book "from God" (which contains several contradictory concepts and laws-- a man must not covet his brother's wife, a man must have sex with his brother's widow to continue the family line, for one) and then parse legality as it stood once (such as when a black slave constituted a fraction of a vote so that slave owners would gain extra votes in elections) compared to legality as it stands in different states and nationally, and the law as it may stand (I can imagine the gleam in this gollum's eye, "hellooo, Gilead!").

[@DavidEdwards9801]

The same way they All do it, by cheating lol

[@thiloreichelt4199]

Probably the bar was pretty low.

[@hesimplywillnotdie]

"Pandora's box" joke was hilarious. Mike Johnson is next level creepy.

[@DJames-fn3cl]

I certainly agree. The entire RePOOPican "party" is like the green slime in the Ghostbusters movies.

[@susanbengston3208]

Definitely.

[@jimbaranski4687]

God, I didn’t think anyone could be worse then Sarah Suckabee’s blank faced lies! She has some stiff competition for most likely to be a lizard in a human suit!

[@charlie-obrien]

His house is "X'd out" on the local FaceBook map of Halloween safe stops.

[@berryhomchas]

The Bible is 100% accurate…particularly when thrown at close range.

[@videowatchaccount7551]

There's no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

[@DarknessIsThePath]

lol

[@johnwattdotca]

Why are you criticizing a book you have never read?

[@TheBrutalDeluxe]

@@johnwattdotca Even if has never read it I'm sure he gets the jist: Virgin birth, Magic Jesus and then Zombie Jesus.

[@Neilleeds]

Humans and dinosaurs living as one ..: what else is to know

[@snowbirdlady7221]

In the near future, psych textbooks will be written with Trump analysis as the ultimate case study of a malignant narcissist.

[@sheilaboston7051]

... with anti-social personality disorder and a touch of psychopathy. If you haven't already, read "The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump," with input from 32 psychologists.

[@5400bowen]

What about the medical texts? He is the only living example of a pimple on a boil on the ass of humanity.

[@alexandradaniele]

​@@5400bowenThat sounds like the purview of dermatologists!

[@DavidEdwards9801]

@@alexandradaniele I agree, a totally different subject 🤣🤣

[@a.katherinesuetterlin3028]

​@@DavidEdwards9801 It puts a whole new meaning to "drain the swamp," doesn't it? Because how else does one remove such stink but to take a sterilized needle and remove the political pus-ball? 😂

[@BooksForever]

Solid gold monologue!

[@joanfregapane8683]

An especially funny and trenchant monologue! Thanks, Stephen and writers!

[@lesliewolfe7643]

In one of comedian Lewis Black's best bits, talking about people who believed dinosaurs and men coexisted, he said "these people are watching the Flintstones like it's a documentary" 😂

[@stoodmuffinpersonal3144]

He has a point, lol. If we existed at the same time as the dinosaurs? We'd be dead lol 😂

[@jpdemer5]

Funny how dinosaurs don't show up in even the oldest cave paintings. Just the large mammals, for some mysterious reason. (Like flat-earthers, of course, they'll have cooked up some cockamamie explanation for it.)

[@JaneDoeDoeDeeOhDoe]

@@stoodmuffinpersonal3144 Purina Dino Chow lol

[@CloudsGirl7]

Indeed... In the words of Professor Farnsworth - and on THIS VERY SAME STUPID SUBJECT - "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

[@ellie.b.e.]

I love the sheer, unchecked insanity of building a hyper-religiously themed attraction that only acknowledges 6000 years of history for the whole planet, but then throwing in Jurassic dinosaurs (~200 to 145 million years ago) because dinosaurs are popular with kids so you need to include and explain them somehow!

[@ShaneJitta]

The jokes in this episode about Mike Johnson are Emmy award winning stuff

[@ricklee6196]

What world are we living in that one of the worst excuses for a human being (and I use that term loosely) that has ever lived still has millions of people who think he should be president of the United States?

[@brianclark9110]

maybe it was the thriving economy, secure border, energy independence, no war, no inflation, and on and on. Brandon fixed all that didn't he?

[@marys-ks1pu]

It is completely perplexing & scary to me!!

[@ateamfan42]

@@brianclark9110 if you believe trump did any of that, then you are as foolish and crazy as he is

[@jasonrollins8217]

​​@@brianclark9110okay let's here Thriving economy.... Trump's biggest gdp was ... 3.2, Bidens is 4.9 hummm Okay let's check the open border Under Biden there has been more seizures arrest and deports then Trump's entire admin, so if you he border is wide open are the criminals just walking across the border to the local police station And let's tackle the no war hey Google.. Okay so according to.google isteal Ukraine Palestine age Russia are not America.. Hey Google.. And it seems Biden is not president of all those counties either.... So Biden rules the words leaders but is riddled with dementia? Or is it hunter who is ruling the word by his laptop? Hillary?

[@rlud304]

Not world, country, which is definitely Not the entire world

[@patriciamurfitt4590]

Stephen, you are an absolute American treasure 🥰 Sending love to you and your writers 🥰 And of course Evie 💙💙

[@robintucker6431]

I get my news from Stephen Colbert. I can laugh at what’s happening in this world instead of crying. Thanks❤😂

[@dracoargentum9783]

Wait, Mike Johnson is the reason why Ken Hamm was able to build the abominable ark museum? That puts a new light on the corruption that is rife throughout the place.

[@whatabouttheearth]

Yeah, that's actually the first time I heard that they got government funding. Because if I'm not mistaken there was some fraud stuff related to the Ark Encounter just like there is with Kent Hovinds stuff.

[@arthurbostrom4912]

I'm a UK viewer because we truly don't have anyone in my country as good as Stephen Colbert taking apart the news. For me this was the best ten minutes I've seen yet. Congratulations all. (Oh and I loved the studio audience groan at the mention of Mike Johnson!). Thanks all.

[@connyleicht6567]

Jonathan Pie? He always hits it!!! 😅

[@matthewgriffiths5005]

The old matt Forde show on Dave used to be good for it as well, although it was very much politics news in general. (He had 4 real MPs as the house band, of course it was mainly politics)

[@sophierobinson2738]

If you’re interested in general stuff, Beau of the Fifth Column is good. He’s had interesting info on the war in Ukraine.

[@arthurbostrom4912]

@@sophierobinson2738 Thanks Sophie. Appreciated.

[@arthurbostrom4912]

@@matthewgriffiths5005 Cheers. I never got to see that.

[@alexanderabbott7832]

The Pandora's Box line was incredible! Best gag I've heard for ages!! 😂😂

[@douglasrau5094]

I can't believe Mike Pence couldn't get the votes of the people who chanted "Hang Mike Pence!"

[@DavidEdwards9801]

I mean, They all wanted to see him "Up There"

[@benwu7980]

@@DavidEdwards9801 but they wanted to raise him up, to hold him aloft ( albeit only for a short time)

[@zacg_]

Putting all jokes aside, most Republicans didn't want Pence murdered but most of the genuinely believe he is disloyal and betrayed America.

[@helios7212]

🤣🤣🤣 right? Ugh the GOP is a walking dead 🪆🪆🪆 party who lost its soul decades ago at this point 🤦‍♂️

[@joeybleu66]

had he sent them a card with his hanging on thier gallows and had some genius flack make up nice words to describe the picture. Pence is not bold he has to ask his God every day? we are so lucky dan quayle told him to stay the course. if quayle had said go ahead and break the law Pence would have done so. Pence is a weak guy about all he did as a Governor was union bust.

[@sassulusmagnus]

I don't know what's crazier, Trump thinking that Mike Pence would endorse him, or the possibility that Mike Pence might actually do so.

[@VladimirPutin-p3t]

He will. You know he will. He's a Christian - he has no morals.

[@kurtisorcher797]

Yes. That one's crazier.

[@victoriasmith8570]

He will do whatever orange master and mother tell him to… as always

[@jakelilevjen9766]

Agreed. Shows how insane our politicians are when we can’t even trust them not to endorse someone who set a lynch mob on them.

[@jpdemer5]

Pence probably won't endorse anyone. He knows the GOP is screaming down the highway to Hell, and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

[@terryt.1643]

One of your best! Steve and team deserve an award for the open book section all by itself. So funny 😂😂😂 in a sad kind of way. Our poor democracy.

[@t2dev]

😅 Pence needs some time off to look for his missing spine and dignity.

[@cconnon1912]

Mr morality doesn’t have the spine to take on Trump. He should have stood up to trump. He now has nothing. Hard trumpers don’t like him, he is too weak to take on trump. Democrats and independents don’t want him.

[@govote2024]

Or his balls.

[@veramae4098]

I think he showed it. It's idiotic to stay in any race when you're in the gasping / panting crowd. Just politely quit. He did.

[@fionam7768]

I think it's like pierced ears: if you don't keep something in there, they just close on up and you have to start over

[@friendofdorothy9376]

and integrity

[@theresaengel9444]

This show is probably one of my top 5 of the Late Show! Hat's off Stephen Colbert! This is what America means to me w/o Humor we're all finished!

[@Zipster0007]

On point and hilarious as always, but at the same time, a notch above tonight. Thank you.

[@dianaterrazas7040]

Love, love your show!! Thank you!!

[@arthurdowney2846]

"The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe with blood for centuries." -James Madison

[@susanbengston3208]

Thank you for the exceedingly appropriate quote.

[@MarySanchez-qk3hp]

Thank you!

[@brendaharrup5706]

Unfortunately, we also for a large part have him to thank for the Electoral College.

[@ktom5262]

A brilliant monologue, one of Colbert's best ever.👏

[@timmothycopeland4866]

Agreed. Because this one was rated G, for Gesus!

[@JusticeAlways]

YES! 👍

😂😂😂 really?

[@ktom5262]

@ Really. MAGA much?🤗

@@ktom5262 👍

[@williamhsantos6834]

Stephen and that writing team was on a roll tonight !!!!

[@colonelquack]

As an atheist, I truly appreciate that a devout Catholic (Colbert) calls out bullshite.

[@irenafarm]

I sincerely hope there’s a future where ALL religion stands on the right side of protecting civil rights and elevating the disadvantaged. Yeah, I’m a starry eyed optimist.

[@user-mc8ew9cy6b]

God bless your arse

[@sueyourself5413]

Except he doesn't.

[@jackkerouac6186]

Catholics believe and teach science. In 7 th grade biology I learned of hermaphrodites and I immediately thought the virgin birth WAS possible !

[@sueyourself5413]

@@jackkerouac6186 That's not what a hermaphrodite is. So you clearly learnt nothing. They're not capable of self-fecondation... Plants != Humans.

[@shermanculbertson6244]

How anyone can listen to even a minute of any one of Trump’s speeches and support him is beyond me.

[@govote2024]

And the sickest part is. Trump doesn't have a Platform. Just a lot of incoherent bull shit, imcomplete sentence,never anything of substance

[@jpdemer5]

I skip ahead whenever I seem him jabbering. Ditto for that Johnson goober.

[@solderbuff]

I think, that's because America is not investing in a good education for all as much as other developed nations. Lots of poorly educated voters see Trump as their hero.

[@sfpincchicago]

Because there are people as illiterate as him and that's to whom he appeals. The perpetually ignorant.

[@costeris35]

It seems to have become worse too and I did not think this was possible.

[@tytn9978]

If Mike uses the Bible, he will ask the rich to give to the poor! THAT was a brilliant line, Stephen!

[@MarySanchez-qk3hp]

He'd also ask the tax collectors to quit, and cause a ruckus at the Vatican because of all the wealth the Vatican Bank hords. ;)

[@kirkthiets2771]

I don’t see him ever introducing a bill that eliminates the tax cuts for the rich Trump made permanent any freaking time soon.

[@videowatchaccount7551]

Isn't that what every communist demonrat wants?

[@amherst88]

Laughs out loud tonight -- bravo as usual to the writers 💜

[@IvanGarcia-gr4eq]

Tonight was spot on. Writers on point

[@helios7212]

👏👏👏💯💯🎯🙏

[@sheilaboston7051]

Both Steven and Jimmy were on fire tonight - we've all missed them.

[@Juschillin2024]

Oh yeah! This was one of your best nights!!! Your writers are KILLIN it!!!😂😂😂

[@dougmarkham5113]

Up to us to change the ways things are.

[@bjdefilippo447]

Well, Johnson thinks the earth is only 6000 years old, so it's no wonder he doesn't seem too evolved.

[@CloudsGirl7]

Belief doesn't do that; he's clearly of a devolved line.

[@SusanBame]

Hey now, I lived in Iowa for a few years, and I have been to a Pizza Ranch. Lived to tell about it. I drew a bigger crowd than 15. One must remember, these are tiny little towns out there, and 15 people showing up in one Pizza Ranch at the same time -- is half the town.

[@JCGible]

Thank you, Mr Colbert. Your fantastic.

[@peteowens4943]

Pence has all the charm and magnetism of an enema. Fitting he should have a campaign stop in a pharmacy... that was half empty.

[@varonadee6980]

Absolute most accurate and funniest simile!

[@lindabruce4899]

😂

[@scooby45247]

Pandora's box was a brilliant joke.. hats off to the writer that came up with that..

[@shawnbrennan7526]

And the censors that let it run

[@653j521]

@@shawnbrennan7526 It's late night in 2023 not the kiddy hour in 1965.

[@jackharrison7613]

Agreed. The Jurassic Ark was good, too

[@corvidsRcool]

Everybody has already made that joke. LOL

[@sfpincchicago]

​@@shawnbrennan7526 uhm, it's not like he's cursing on television. There's nothing he said that violates any broadcast standards and we challenge you to not just post what, exactly, was said that violates broadcast standards, but also post what specific broadcast standards were violated. As in, post the specific rule from the FCC.

[@johnrusselljr89]

Lock 🔒 TRUMP UP!

[@shannonmcstormy5021]

How did all these completely crazy people get elected to office?! Is there someone that can explain this phenomenon to me? Not to mention, Jimmy Carter was one of the most religious Presidents we have ever had and he was actually a good person, as opposed to people like Mike Johnson who are not.

[@Wednesdaywoe1975]

Carter actually followed Christ. The rest just look at the Old Testament as a blueprint for ultimate power.

[@ajs787]

@@Wednesdaywoe1975 Though as Colbert mentioned about the rest in this clip, clearly not 100%. Just cherry picking bits and pieces that justify their hatred.

[@sonkeschmidt2027]

Because they represent the crazy people who elect them. If you really let that thought think in you realise how different these oey are from you and how many there are. If you follow this thought it will eventually lead you to a lot of fear. And when you feel that, remember that these people are just as afraid of you and that is why they do all the crazy stuff. Fear makes people crazy...

[@Nuvinci88]

How did they get there? Really? We voted them in… just like America voted in a cadaver who can’t remember what he had for breakfast. And the dogmatic religion of blind party voting will give you the same 2 flavors of poo next year as well. That’s how it happened!!

[@Cutest-Bunny998]

Mike Johnson ran unopposed as a state representative I believe... He got elected basically by filing out the paperwork, if you can believe that. As a Republican, he basically won LA district 4 by default. That district is incredibly gerrymandered; he won with 65.2% of the vote and would basically win by default as a Republican in such a rigged district.

[@stansburygreg]

A literal young earth creationist is the face of our congress. How embarrassing.

[@ianthesoccerref]

What does this say about Louisiana and the level of education given to students there? And LSU must be very proud of its graduate. BSci in Business Administration. Thank goodness it wasn't a degree in an actual field of science. And this is the best the Republicans can offer the country? Geezus. What a creepy person.

[@amie6085]

Mike Johnson is a great example of someone who has studied something a little bit, but not enough to realize how much he doesn't know.

[@samcyphers2902]

Dunning-Kruger!

[@sullisen]

And swallowed that something hook, line and sinker, ignorant or dismissive of all other somethings telling a wildly different story incompatible with his something

[@amie6085]

@@sullisen I agree. And seemingly also paying no heed to the tremendous harm he can do...which can impact generations.

[@5amiann]

Exactly this. No real clue about any of it. For example, the massive amounts of discrepancies.

[@kirkthiets2771]

His fanaticism with his religion is a glaring downfall in my book.

[@hollylewis5302]

The writer's have been EN POINTE!!! You were missed! Glad you are back and killin' it!

[@5400bowen]

Hey, with their new raise, they can afford to smoke more fatties for inspiration!

[@alvallac2171]

*writers (plural non-possessive) writer's = singular possessive (or a contraction of "writer is/has") Apostrophes are for contractions or possessive nouns, not for pluralizing. *ON POINT en pointe = dancing on your toes in ballet

[@5400bowen]

@@alvallac2171 yeah, but spell check turns well to we”ll, and turns writers to writer’s very consistently and I don’t always notice….and singular possessive is writers’… . The rest you got right. Or did your spell check change what you typed? Mine does constantly.

[@mariacatherine229]

Jurassic Ark: Genius! Laughed so hard I cried.

[@deballen3388]

Absofucking brilliant tonight!!!!! Thanks Stephen and writers!

[@IvanGarcia-gr4eq]

On point like a sharpie. Writers killed it

[@TrumpLiesToAll]

Best monolog ever. Best late night host ever and dam straight the writers put some good ones out there.

[@princessblanca9209]

.... and don't look back!! Hysterical ... the salt shakers were a LOT of fun too.

[@DavidEdwards9801]

That should be a word lol

[@JusticeAlways]

Love that first word...should be in the dictionary! 😁👍

[@yurielcundangan9090]

What a circus of deplorable the GOP has become. A very dark day in Us history

[@joanne4758]

So Pence is gone - - does that bring Trump closer to the door!!

[@JZsBFF]

Make that The Dark Ages rather than a dark day.

[@irtwiaos]

Hillary's basket of deplorable aged like fine wine.

[@imoldgreggboosh3467]

I was reading this and I picked up that us = U S. Has anybody noticed this before? U S = us = U S I noticed because I am a stable genius.

[@JZsBFF]

@@imoldgreggboosh3467 When Trump says stable then a barn, where asses are kept overnight, comes to mind.

[@paulheinrich7645]

Brilliant writing delivered by a brilliant performer.

[@Pier77Tampa]

I lost it at the Bible of Hannah & Barbera 😂😂😂😂

[@kingjamos2422]

It is the the Book of Hannah-Barbera, you heathen! Words are important. To quote a verse from this holiest of books: "In the beginning was the word, and the word was with Scooby Dooby Doo, and the word was Scooby Dooby Doo!" I'm still not sure how that counts as one word, though...

[@Pier77Tampa]

@@kingjamos2422 😂😂 and in Eden was Fred and Wilma 😂😂😂

[@amkb4649]

The political state of the US just gets more and more distressing.

[@Amick44]

Hopefully we can put Rump behind us (no pun intended) very soon. Politically. The nation and Republican party need to move on.

[@bjodaddyo]

Don't worry. With Biden and Harris at the wheel, it'll be a smooth ride!

[@muddro420]

@@Amick44We can't put pettiness behind us by being petty. Say his name or don't. You validate his fake victimhood any other way. I hate the guy, btw. Just also hate that we can't stop people from throwing 3rd grade insults at him. Just call him poopy-head from now on that will be less embarrassing.

[@jimmythebold589]

Good point. We make fun of Trump for using nicknames, so it's kinda , sorta , a wee bit hypocritical for us non-presidents to do the same, a little bit....I don't call him Rump, because it's an insult to behinds, which are magnificent for sitting upon, and also for gazing at... Trump is the biggest insult one could lobby, anyways, the name itself is forever poisoned with the taint of association,, Mary not withstanding. And, yes I said "taint', like 'chode'... @@muddro420

[@michaelgreenwood3413]

@@muddro420 We'll do that when he's in jail for all the shit he did. He's got about five thousand years worth of Jail time of indictments currently hitting him. And you can't buy your way out of Espionage and Sedition Charges.

[@DrSarcasmable]

For those who are wondering what a Pizza Ranch is: It's a buffet-style restaurant. The one near me has a soup and salad bar, a buffet table with about eight or so types of pizza, and another table for fried chicken and sides (hence the corn and mashed potatoes). Then there's the dessert table, which has a soft serve machine and some dessert-style pizzas (think graham cracker crust and pie filling in place of sauce and cheese). You can ask the kitchen to make a specific type of pizza when one of the ones on the buffet runs out, or order one for your table specifically. It's decent, though I'd hesitate to say it's the most recognized in the Midwest. I'm from around NIU and I hadn't heard of it either until I moved to Grand Rapids. You're more likely to have heard of Pizza Hut, Papa Johns, or Dominos than Pizza Ranch in my area. Though Casey's gas stations have a reputation for really good pizza and are a much more common sight in rural locations in northern Illinois.

[@matthewchicchi7262]

Alright, I gotta give it up for a Pandora's Box joke.

[@camelsheit_on_the_walls446]

Gag orders aren't very effective on trump, but trump is effective at making people all over the world gag.

[@Nevertoleave]

Maybe if they put his face on a ball gag he’s shut up for once

[@JudithRandall-vz1zk]

They're not effective because he never pays his bills, anyway. So, running up a court tab of many ten-thousand dollar fees, meh. 😒 kzbin.infogaming/emoji/7ff574f2/emoji_u1f612.png

[@kingjamos2422]

I keep telling them that unless you use a ball gag, it isn't going to work.

[@cesarconh895]

You didn't think that one through 😅

[@garysmith9265]

Maybe when he gets to prison he will bob and gag!!!

[@Alexis84DE]

Writers really benefited from the break, those punchlines were coming one after another!! What a firework of laughs 🎉❤ one of the best monologues ever

[@vanessagoddess1]

America, you are really scaring us (signed, The World)

[@paultyson4389]

Spot on! Johnson is third in line for the Presidency. Bare in mind, this clown believes the dinosaurs, and we have uncovered thousands of different ones, were all aboard the Ark, with millions of other creatures, half of which eat the other half. This is beyond childish. It is so moronic, it defies words. But folks, thaaatss America!!!!

[@l33tsamurai]

I'm sorry... we're doing our best... well, some of us are...

[@victoriasmith8570]

The saddest thing of all: I wouldn’t be one but surprised of Pence endorses trump. Bet he’ll vote for him too. Pence almost deserves whatever happens next for being such a tool.

[@MiksaMeeks]

Can I get an Amen!

[@EzEzEz369]

Lucky

[@SonicSlicer]

If there was one thing I noticed during the Stale Cheeto's term is that Pence has no spine, period. The stale cheeto wanted a yes-man, and he got one.

[@helios7212]

Don't disagree with you - sadly same could be said about a lot of people who don't vote but then want to complain about everything 🙄 (on both sides - before anyone jumps to conclusions)

[@kenforu1531]

And a FOOL.

[@alanlobaugh2575]

Thanks for your comments about gun violence. Nov. 7th, the Supreme Court will hear oral arguments about a gun law in Texas, debating whether a person with a protective order against them can own/carry a weapon. You should have Dr. Brennan Rivas, from Fort Worth on your show. She is an historian who is intelligent, articulate, and humorous. She knows loads about Texas gun laws and the second amendment.

[@josephmatuszak3855]

Mike Johnson and the GOP is lost in darkness. They explicitly separated Church and State for many reasons, all of them civil and under the goal of a "More Perfect Union." Pretty hard to stay true to the first amendment if 1 single religion is the basis of governance. Just saying Mike Johnson. You went to school for law, and I just used basic words to explain how fundamentally flawed your judgement is.

[@DavidEdwards9801]

You got it right, no 1 religion to rule us all = to each their own... "You don't like the way I'm livin' just leave this long-haired country boy alone" 💙

[@Scarabswarm]

He's obviously a christian dominionist, so critics of his appealing to the constitution isn't going to matter to him. He doesn't actually care about what the constitution says. The constitution is simply a means to an end, that end being a christian theocracy. So he will twist what it says to support what he wants, and when proven wrong, simply ignore it. When you believe you're on a mission from god, are you really going to go: "This piece of paper says I can't do what you want, sorry god, my hands are tied"? No, of course not. The dude is a fanatic. You can't reason with a fanatic. You can't appeal to their better judgement, because they simply don't have any.

[@vladdkristmanov3057]

The separation of church and state means that, unlike many nations at the time of the founding, the US would not declare or enforce a "national religion"; all citizens are free to worship (or not) their chosen religion. Nothing has changed. Those who use the words like "christian dominionist" are not talking about Christians; the words are contradictory.

[@vladdkristmanov3057]

@@Scarabswarm I think you are uninformed. "christian dominionist" is a contradictory concept - by definition a Christian or Christianity cannot be "dominionist". The constitution was written by a group of mostly Judeo-Christian believers who, by definition, cannot force religion.

[@lisagulick4144]

I'm thinking that Mike Johnson only passed the bar because somebody lowered it.

[@mddah01]

Stephen - you were on fire in this segment. Brilliant.

[@1cr19]

@ColbertLateShow This is by far my favorite opening monologue you’ve ever done. I actually cackled, out loud, which is a surprise because I’ve been really depressed lately. Thanks, and keep up the great work.

[@MarySanchez-qk3hp]

It's been said that "comedy is suffering plus time." So it shouldn't surprise us. He reminds me, in my isolated life, that I'm not alone in my thoughts, that lots of other people feel the same. I can't offer any advice, I don't know you and that would be calloused of me, but I do hope you still find pleasure in some small things, and at least try to take care of the basics. It's been hard for me lately too. I do hear you. 💜

[@Scott2122232425]

i love Colbert. His delivery is always perfect!

[@0g0dn0]

Johnson: “Pick up a Bible, that’s what I believe in.” Yeah, I’ve never met anyone who said that and delivered.

[@joeschmo3844]

Might as well have said “if you want to know what I believe, read your Bible and then you tell me. Seriously, I’ve never actually read it so please tell me what I believe.”

[@wizardsuth]

The vast majority of Christians have never read the bible, and have no idea what horrifically evil practices it promotes as virtuous, including incest, slavery, and genocide.

[@chenzen1578]

Now I would like to play a game and ask: " what do you think of , let's say the border" then open the Bible at random and read a passage.

[@samcyphers2902]

Move over, John 3:16, Matthew 6:6 is the verse every Christian should read.

[@RIVALContentJammerz]

@@joeschmo3844 You literally have to change what he said in order to hold something against him.

[@eileendunn2130]

Kudos to your writers! Great comedy! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[@knowthepillarsofdemocracy]

hahaha "you can be sure she's Regular Lady when the bubbles stop." OMG, thank you, writers.

[@nelliekenny9630]

Scarily , that's what they did do. If you floated you were a witch.

[@jeffwatkins352]

So glad to have Stephen back! Hilarious monologue as usual. The Jurassic Ark gag...brilliant! And a close up on Joe! I'm in heaven!

[@cz2165]

This was a brilliant monologue!

[@milosterwheeler2520]

Man, I missed this guy during the strike!

[@GraphicMill]

The best writers on late night talk shows! Hilarious!!!

[@Shwammi]

One of the funniest monologues I've scene! The Mike Johnson skewer was especially hilarious. Trick & Treat!

[@dreadpirates]

I never realized that women having to sacrifice birds at the tabernacle to be allowed back into town after their periods was in the bible. But I'm sure in a few years republicans will be campaigning on that idea

[@653j521]

I never realized Pandora's Box was in the Bible, either. :)

[@alexandradaniele]

​@653j521 Mike is clearly into myths, he's just a little fuzzy on their origin!

[@PennyDavis-cm9tl]

As we speak a crew is getting it ready for the Supreme Court

[@whatabouttheearth]

Check out the part in the New Testament (after the Gospels) where it says women are to be silent in church and wait until they and their husband go back home and than she should ask her husband what it meant. I am not joking, it literally says that. Or there is the part in the Old Testament where if a man even SUSPECTS his wife is cheating he can take her to a priest where the priest gives her "bitter water" that causes a miscarriage.... essentially an abortifacient inducing an abortion INVOLUNTARY. Look it up.

[@empireofpeaches]

Leviticus 15:19-33 what a wild, misogynistic ride

[@markstott6689]

Mike Johnson belongs in 1639AD. His views would have the Puritans blushing.

[@tokul76]

AD belongs to 1639 CE.

[@markstott6689]

@tokul76 Either AD or CE are acceptable. As Johnson belongs so far back in time and because he's a religious type, AD felt more appropriate.

[@glnnchrstphr9717]

"Jurassic Ark" is priceless.

[@kazibbo6728]

On form tonight Stephen. Kudos from Australia 🤩 Thank you for making America seem a less scarier place.

[@kerrynicholls6683]

As someone who also watches America 🇺🇸, you should be terrified. It’s insane. Oh yes, and I am from Australia 🇦🇺 too. 😊

[@patriciastrus1198]

He makes the craziness funny but not less scary.

[@alwood9148]

another aussie here and its scary as but i love colbert,s humour@@patriciastrus1198

[@elaexplorer]

Oh man you missed the best part about the ark park. They're sueing their insurance company because the insurance company isn't paying out on a water damage claim from flooding.

[@morebirdsandroses]

No! Why aren't they seeing that as JUDGEMENT?😂

[@alvallac2171]

*suing

[@mjcart]

I live for the Colbert show and this one didn't disappoint. Still laughing!