Understanding the Father Wound in Men (The Man Rules 01)

[@Druid896]

Not having a Father breaks a boy in a way that leaves a big empty void that can never truly be filled. We go through life with a sense of emptiness that's always there, subtly, in the background. I often try to turn to religion and spirituality in hopes of healing the Father wound, because of "our Father in heaven." Sometimes this helps, other times I just feel more confused...

[@RickBelden]

Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience. Many men would agree with you about feeling that sense of emptiness. I hope you'll continue to pay attention to it and get the help you need to find ways to address it successfully.

[@Druid896]

@@RickBelden Yeah of course. I just did 6 months of therapy and my mental health is really good right now. I am planning on starting again soon.

[@DoctorCarrieHall]

Watching from Tulsa Oklahoma, and learning.

[@geraldcody]

What you stated at -16:31 is exactly what my relationship with my dad was. It’s sucks because his funeral was last weekend and I hadn’t spoken to him in almost 2 years (also a 3 year break in my mid twenties). I had nothing left to give him in the end and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that within myself. I respectfully went to the funeral and did not shed a tear there was nothing left. I guess I eventually realized that overtime I lost respect him because he was incapable of respecting me. The good parts of my did lives within me. Our relationship in totality was bitter, but I accept it and am incredibly grateful to have even been given a father.

[@RickBelden]

There's a lot of hard-earned wisdom in your comment and I can relate very personally to all of it. Thank you for sharing it.

[@wcjeffro9849]

I was taught that men don't have emotions outside of anger which made my life difficult because I have extremely intense emotions. Because of my strong emotions I have always had trouble controling them. Some people can heal from bad things others never will. Unfortunately I fall in the latter category. I have often thought I could have handled being beaten daily rather than the damned cold indifference I got. (To put it in perspective he once told me that my grandmother, his mother, was never gonna die so he could get her money.) It's hard to accept a parent who loves vehicles yet disdains his children. I almost took a sledge hammer to one of his brand new Ford mustangs. I hated my father yet I also loved him. He blamed me for my mother divorcing him. Actually he blamed me most of the time when things didn't work as he wanted them. When I was three he cut down a tree for firewood. It was a large tree. The log rolled pinning my mom's leg. For the rest of his life he told people that I at 3 years old almost killed my mom because I made a 2 ton tree roll by playing around it. He enjoyed acting tough, threatening to hit me just to see fear in my eyes. Although that didn't happen often because it took too much emotion on his part. I could go on and on and on, like the energizer bunny. I have no doubt their are many many kids who had it worse. Yet I thought I would share some of my baggage. They say kids with unloving parents grow up to be self hating adults. That the child loves the parent without question so when the parent hates the child he or she will agree with the parent against themselves. My dad was very good at this, which he used as a way of controlling me. Self hatred causes self destructive behavior and while it is a miserable way to live I personally believe it cannot be cured. It shortens the life of the child/adult through their own self destructive way of life (like heavy drinking of alcohol, smoking, drug use, and a host of other things.) I Take care to all!

[@RickBelden]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry it has to be such a painful one. "He enjoyed acting tough, threatening to hit me just to see fear in my eyes." Yes, this is a familiar memory for me as well. I hope you can find a way to maintain at least a little bit of openness to the possibility that you might still find some ways to reduce at least some of the pain you've been carrying for so long. There are many people like me who've been through it ourselves and want to help if we can.

[@Salvnite]

I side with you Rick but I thought of putting this comment here just for the experiment sake of it here it goes; Is this where people go to make excuses and wave the victim card and the I am not responsible card. I love your work Rick just want to write this for what people might say but don't because I am not sure people I would disagree with.

[@RickBelden]

It's a fair question to ask. In my view, the sort of conversation I had with Dan, and way I approach this work with both myself and other men, is completely on the opposite end of the spectrum from what you described. It is 100% about identifying the root causes of our own damage and distress so we can be more fully accountable for whatever maladaptive/unproductive behaviors we've learned as a result and begin to change them. People who choose to "make excuses and wave the victim card and the I am not responsible card" are not interested in making the sorts of changes that would benefit themselves and others. People who choose to face their wounds and identify the sources of those wounds are taking the first steps in the direction of healing them and developing themselves through them to a better version of who they are.