Unveiling the Secret: The Real Reason Autistic People May Appear Rude

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of why Autistic people can seem rude or disrespectful. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
⏱ Index:
00:00 - Welcome
00:44 - Rudeness & Autism
01:29 - Examples
16:07 - Strategies for Autistic People
29:18 - Strategies for Neurotypical People
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (KZbinr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
#AutisticVoices #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #Autism #OrionKelly #ThatAutisticGuy #ASD
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⛔️*Disclaimer: The videos contained on this channel are for general education and entertainment purposes only and do not constitute professional advice. For professional advice and training seek assistance from a qualified provider. All views are my own and do not represent those of my employers or sponsors. Some images used are stock images.*⛔️
Related: autism, autism diagnosis, Orion Kelly, orionkelly, thatautisticguy, tiktok videos, autistic, autism in adults, autism in women, autism in men, autism spectrum condition, asd, autism spectrum disorder, aspergers, aspergers syndrome, autism in boys, autism in girls, dsm, dsm5, autistic adults, autistic kids, autism mom, autism parent, autism family, autism speaks, autism awareness, autism acceptance, autism at work, am I autistic, adult autism test, autism disclosure, autism therapy, autism prevention, autism meltdown, autistic burnout, autistic behavior, autism symptoms, autism traits, autistic signs, what autism feels like, love on the spectrum, stimming, echolalia, anxiety

[@kalijhawk70]

I often ask people if they want me to tell them the truth or, not answer at all. Also, people will think I’m being sarcastic when I am simply answering their questions. I have also had whole rooms in uproarious laughter without having the faintest clue what I have said. The last one is the most upsetting for me, as it feels like they are laughing at me without me knowing why.

[@kalijhawk70]

@DaleGribble-us9wc YES!!!!! I have had the same, a manager even said she was scared of me as I seemed so angry. I wasn't angry at all, just believed in what I was saying. I think maybe our emotions don't necessarily match what we show. I have said to people "I am angry right now" and they don't believe me as I appear calm. 😑

[@TheCommonS3Nse]

I can 100% relate to all of this and to the resting bitch face aspect!! The part about people laughing at your response is absolutely confusing. Are they laughing because I’ve said something really funny? Or are they laughing because my response was so awkward? I really struggle with that, especially when I wasn’t trying to be funny in the first place, I’m just trying to respond to something. Then I have no clue what to think.

[@kalijhawk70]

@@TheCommonS3Nse 👍👍

[@MsShannruggles]

Hate being laughed at & not knowing why...oh yeah, I laugh too just 2 be polite ...but wtf (?)

[@SarafinaSummers]

@@kalijhawk70 My personal favorite: I'm in agony but can't show it properly.

[@LexusLFA554]

German people are already considered quite rude by their speech, but imagine me as a autistic german. A match made in hell full of irony and sarcasm. And pure bluntness.

[@SarafinaSummers]

I'm sorry, but I'm laughing. Take my like and go get a coffee iwth it.

[@hannahk.summerville5908]

Same here😅

[@LexusLFA554]

@@SarafinaSummers Thanks. I went and got a Eisschokolade, and I recommend getting one as well ;)

[@AlexShiro]

I would love speaking with you. What a relief it would be.

[@restorative-waves]

I got a smile and chuckle from reading this. Sounds fun!

[@a.person1723]

trying to be social while having Autism feels like getting behind the wheel of a car for the very first time. every single time. and it never gets easier: volume, tone, pitch, timber, inflection, eye contact, affect, posture...you must focus on two sets of this. on for you and one for the other, while also being expected to absorb the content of whatever is trying to be conveyed.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@leona2222]

Very well said

[@RogueRunna]

Leaning hyper-vigilance over time as a side affect still doesn’t make it much easier, and takes from you a huge toll.

[@sebastianallen3500]

This is why in stressful environments I'll generally give two word responses without even making eye contact. I'm "just busy today" every day

[@tomtroy3792]

@@leona2222 I thought it was very well said also even now when I'm commenting

[@AquaPeet]

One thing I find very hard is the beehive sound of people chatting at a birthday party. When I'm not able to follow any conversation because all the voices are drowning out eachother, I tend to sink back into my own mind and stare ahead.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@trinasmith2792]

Yes! Me as well!

[@sebastianallen3500]

When you enter that environment mid conversation is the worst, I can go from active listening to holding my breath, smiling and nodding, hoping I'm correctly guessing what the other person is saying

[@artsylady3187]

it's called cacophany ...I hate it so much....can't do dance places, car races, concerts, any place with lots of loud sounds and people talking alot etc......it is overwhelming.....college is a struggle for me in any class

[@randomreactions16]

OMG! YES! HAHA! This happens to me TOO! Like when I'm at a bar or something and everyone's talking and having their own little conversations, my brain just shuts off because I can't filter them all out. Background noise for me is frustrating.

[@Kornkitt3n]

i will always remember the time some girls at my new school accused me of stealing and using one of their pens. one girl asked me "can she have her pen back?" i replied "yeah when she can find it" everyone was so taken aback, and only now do i realize it sounded like i totally roasted her. it wasn't on purpose, to me i was just answering her question

[@Kornkitt3n]

or the time i called one of my bullies a bitch. everyone was asking me if i knew she was in the room, i did. but to me she totally deserved it, i don't know why people act so shocked. she was mean to me, so im mean back

[@janejones5362]

​@@Kornkitt3n I have mastered the "side eye", with people like that. It says, You have approached the line. Continue on, and learn way more about me than you cared to know.

[@earthtojoy9640]

That’s because you are honest and upfront. They like the backstabbing underhandedness of politics. They can’t control us. That’s why they get offended.

[@kimsherlock8969]

Classic

[@jakke1975]

@@Kornkitt3n Instead of antagonizing those bullies, I just ignore them.... nothing good will ever come from irritating people that have the power to make your life (more) miserable. But if they come up to you, sure, stand up for yourself and defend yourself but always try to de-escalate first. Thanks to a good dose of adrenaline, I've floored one or 2 bullies who got a bit too physical, and the embarrassment of being taken down by a goofy nerd is usually enough to make it stop forever.

[@whitneymason406]

I remember in Sunday school as a kid, I asked a TON of questions. The teacher got frustrated and asked me, "Do you ever think before you speak?!" and I was really embarrassed. I started overthinking and often stayed quiet instead of asking questions since. I am slowly learning to undo that because I've needed to advocate for my son and myself. We're not being rude asking for clarification or accommodations. Great topic! 👍

[@dmgroberts5471]

I mean, _of course_ you're thinking. That's _why_ you have questions. Duh. 😁

[@Station737]

That happens a lot to me at church too. I think some ppl just want to get on with the lesson while others find it challenging. Meanwhile, I'm thinking a class is the perfect place to learn so what's wrong with questions?! 😅

[@artsylady3187]

as hard as I try I can never stop with the question asking.....it ticks everyone off....I am just trying to figure out what they are saying and need more clarification....no teacher of mine has ever appreciated me..

[@etcwhatever]

​@@Station737im catholic and i dive deep into theology because i have all kinds of questions too. And most catechists/religious teachers arent prepared enough. They have a manual and they cant get out of the script (and we autistic get accused of being rigid, the irony). If i didnt go into a panic presenting things or around kids i would apply to teach at sunday school. It would be a pleasure to go look for the answers...

[@ToaOfFusion]

@@etcwhateverThey also get fearful about those who are curious because learning more about the topic at hand undermines their authorities, even if they do not intend to leave their faith. It's why for the longest time, Catholic sermons were recited in Latin, a language any layman and fresh convert would have no clue of understanding as its use died with the Roman Empire.

[@candygirl7586]

Someone at a party told me, "There are too many children in that pool", and said nothing else. He was not a life guard. As time passed he stood up, walked into the pool in his cothes, and pulled out a drowning child. He had appeared rude, unsociable, and unfriendly. He had stated ealier that he looked at others' forheads instead of their eyes when speaking. He never engaged in small talk as the other adults at the party, including the child's parents, were involved in. I didn't know, but now suspect, what this and other behaviors I observed may have indicated. Thank you for this video.

[@Tilly850]

This weekend was a meltdown-er because I was accused of being "rude". I spoke up to someone who repeatedly passive aggressively asked me to do the impossible. Who was rude? This was not one on one, but it's happened in the past. The older I get the more I want to isolate from the world. It's rude out there.

[@ps1999]

That's why we smile, and look at their limited perceptions, and relish in our solitude. Two pandemic, it was like a vacation to me, worked remotely sort of, loved there was nobody on the roads driving it was bliss.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@isabellefaguy7351]

I had to remove a lot of people from my life. People who don't believe my deficits and thus interpret all my behaviours and incapacities through the lens of "should be able to". At first, I just isolated totally. And there may be a need to do it for some time, to grief the loss of these people you tought were loving you. But it's important after that to go looking for people who "can get it". They exist. I've found some and they're now great friends, the best I've ever had in my life. They're harder to find, because they usually also are socially excluded people (not necessarily autistic, but they usually have some obvious difference or some deficit).

[@herchelleonwood7463]

isolating from the world is ok ! please don't ever feel guilty ,, i find humans irritating ,, i've learned i am best off hanging around with my dog, and the few people i can stand occasionally ..

[@leona2222]

Yeah, not every poor interaction is my fault!

[@promisemochi]

i'll never forget as a little girl we were at a church function. my parents were talking to a lady and brought her over to intorduce me. i was sitting at a chair alone, eating a slice of cake. when she came over, i thought i did all the steps. i smiled, said hello, even shook her hand, then went back to nibbling my cake and letting the adults talk. when we left, my mom commented that i was very rude and disrespectful. apparently, as she told me, i was meant to stand up, set the cake down in the chair behind me, shake her hand, and then sit back down.but in my mind, that felt more awkward. it's one moment of many that i look back on puzzled because in the moment, i genuinely thought i "had it right" and would later find out, no it was wrong, bad, or rude. which would never in a million years be my intent.

[@joycebrewer4150]

If that had been me, my reaction would've been the same, or maybe I would've been so flustered I'd have sat on the cake!

[@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n]

At church functions as a kid, people would ask me how I was, and I assumed if they cared to asked, they must really want to know, so I'd tell them. My mom told me it was just small talk, but I told her then they shouldn't ask in the first place if they don't want to hear it

[@promisemochi]

@@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n this always confused me too!! church functions entirely were confusing to me. i remember there was one girl that was a bit older than me and she was really bubbly and outgoing. i decided to "copy" her and tried to be more like her and later was told i was being rude again which i still to this day don't understand. i feel like school i did pretty well with because so many of us were also just trying to figure it out. but church events and functions seemed to always be something that was so confusing to me

[@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n]

@@promisemochi I honestly think that people just call stuff rude if it makes them slightly uncomfortable, because the scope of what's 'rude' is too vast and too changeable to otherwise make sense

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@Mr.Glitch]

When close friends ask how I am, I often reply "neurotypical or neurospicy answer?"

[@IkeanCrusader1013]

"neurospicy" lmao love it I might steal that one

[@Mr.Glitch]

@@IkeanCrusader1013 spread the good word of neuro-spiciness. 😁

[@roddo1955]

Okay! I love that! You should make it a slogan. 'B***, I'm not rude....I'm neurospicy" 😎 💅

[@brianna094]

You have friends ?...

[@timhaldane7588]

I've been accused of being rude because I was at a gathering and I was getting overwhelmed and needed to go lay down. Like, I was treated like I owed people my company and it was rude of me to deny it to them. It really hurt and was frustrating.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@diarmuidkuhle8181]

It's unintentionally hurtful for the other people as well. Because when you're at a gathering you've kind of consented to a contract of sharing company. If you absent yourself then people might think 'why did he even come in the first place if he doesn't wanna be here' or 'apparently being around me is so awful he can't wait to get away from me'.

[@brianna094]

​​@@diarmuidkuhle8181 Autism is a disability and requires special consideration and exceptions from others, rather than pressure from others forcing us to fit in. Most people don't care to understand us, since they're not afflicted or struggling like we are with basic daily tasks and functions. With these social limitations, we do our best -- but if we need to rest, it's necessary. It borders panic attacks, it's not a matter of not wanting to engage.. It's not being able to, because we have a deficit. Of course we love the people that we're with, this anxiety is something out of our control and even more uncomfortable for us to live with. I'm very emotional and feel things deeply but can't ever connect with others the way I want, even with family. It has caused me to isolate because it doesn't get better over time when I force it, it just makes it worse. This is where the breaks come in if one chooses to engage. ❤

[@diepiriye]

How would someone show you the difference between wanting to spend time with you and wanting to include you vs. you owing folks your time? How could someone show you the distinction in a way that made it clear for you?

[@diepiriye]

THANKS for that. I'll have to share that explanation with folks as it's crystal clear! @@diarmuidkuhle8181

[@emmettobrian1874]

Understanding why NTs engage in small talk helped me a lot. They're using phatic expressions in a bid to maintain a social connection. The whole thing is just a way to say "I value your presence." It's not intellectually stimulating and it's not supposed to be. It's socially stimulating (to NTs). (Which is why we don't get it) Just knowing that helped me think of it as a different language that I only know a few words of, but it's their language. I can't hate on that.

[@carmensavu5122]

I'm a linguist and I took this Pragmatics course for my MA. One class, the teacher randomly said that saying "hello" to someone meant you acknowledge their existence. It was an eye-opening moment for me, because I'd had no idea that's what that meant. To this day, I don't really feel it. I'll say hello to an acquaintance I happen across in town because I don't really have anything of substance to say to them. But when I have something substantive to say to someone, I'll still skip the hello if I'm feeling some powerful emotion over what I want to speak to them about. They sometimes correct me on it, and I keep dismissing it. Like, it's useless and superfluous. We have actual substantive content to discuss. Why do you insist on this superfluous garbage? Actually, the teacher's explanation was on the one hand eye-opening, because it explains most hellos, but on the other it makes things more confusing because if I'm in here talking to you (albeit about something else), I'm obviously acknowledging your existence! All this tripe makes no sense. Of course I went on theoretical generative syntax, which is very abstract. We are basically developing a mathematical model for natural language syntax. And that makes a lot more sense than all the social bu11sh1t, which I can't make heads or tails of.

[@emmettobrian1874]

@@carmensavu5122 I appreciate all the work that went into that post! So my guess as to why NTs insist on the hello is the social stimulation. What they want to hear from you, is that they have value above and beyond the information they discussed with you. Are they just a tool for you to advance subject knowledge, or are they someone that you value beyond that? It's a bit like the feeling of objectification. You might appreciate them as a tool, but many people want to be acknowledged as a person and not as an object. It's a slippery concept to build from first principles but it is extremely common. What it comes down to is, if they're an object (tool) they can be cast aside as soon as they're no longer useful. They may even be abused for amusement if they're just an object. Saying a simple hello first, acknowledges their social worth. Sure people game that system, but that hello gives a decent amount of information. If it's said with a rising tone it means they want your approval. If said with a dropping tone it means you need to prove yourself to them. Neutral tone means they're disinterested. NTs probably don't even know that consciously. They just absorb the information without thinking and respond to what they've picked up subconsciously.

[@KA-pr1xt]

I just tell people I like them and value them. Small talk is unbearable.

[@justuscrickets]

For years, I was baffled by the frequent accusation that I was being condescending, when that didn't align at all with how I perceived the interaction. Even when apologetically asking for help with something, I'd be accused of being snide or patronizing. 😳 It was so distressing! At least now, I can stop kicking myself so hard for all the times that's happened, when I never meant to be rude, disrespectful, or hurtful.

[@pikachufan3588]

Yes! My whole life people tell me I'm being arrogant when you're I feel is insecure and not as good as others. It just makes me feel so much worse to be viewed so wrongly

[@joycebrewer4150]

As a school girl, longer ago than I care to admit, the other children in my class seem to have come to the conclusion that I was "stuck up" or unjustifiably proud of myself. The painful truth was that I was horribly shy, and afraid of being seen as socially awkward in front of most of the class, so I generally gave off "approach me not" vibes. Better a loner than a bully's target. Except, being a loner, I finally saw in hindsight, drew bullies to me like flowers draw bees!

[@deusexaethera]

Whether you're neurospicy or neurobland, some people just won't like you and there's no point apologizing to them for it. Just find someone else to talk to.

[@martinmckee5333]

​@@deusexaetheraThat's true. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. But some of us can't, "just find someone else." There are situations like this that come up at work. I can't just avoid that. And I have always been unable to connect with people, so even a bad interaction is hard to give up.

[@timhaldane7588]

I get the exact same thing too.

[@introusas]

8:40 literally happened to me today at work. I had to walk out of a “social gathering”, leaving all my gifts behind (it’s housekeeping appreciation week lol) and I went back up to the room I was cleaning (took the stairs so I could escape quickly) and as soon as I got there I just started wheezing because I was so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe. Then my boss had the nerve to call me up and sass me about leaving my things behind. How can NTs not see how overwhelmed we are? For people who are so obsessed with “body language” they sure didn’t seem to know how uncomfortable I was. It was very obvious. I just don’t get it.

[@Kornkitt3n]

so true. often our body language when pushed to our limit is really easy to recognize. maybe im bias but i mean someone storms out crying and hyperventilating, from a gathering that was "supposed to be nice", how can't they see how desperate we are to get away? it's madness. to me, if someone walks away from a gathering that was light hearted and leaves all their gifts behind, my first reaction would be oh my gosh is that person okay???

[@CuteCatsofIstanbul]

I'm 45 years old and this topic has led to many traumatic situations. For example, when applying for disability benefits; I don't know why but this woman told me to 'stop talking', even though I was talking very little, and later she made it more difficult for me to get the benefits I had a right to get (I'm not being arrogant, I had looked up the rules, looked at my situation and done check-lists and the results showed I had a right to those benefits due to my physical disabilities). I've analysed that conversation for years and I still do not know what I did wrong. But I've stayed away from that office for years, even though I got sicker and had a right to more benefits. I didn't ask for mobility benefits, so I'm stuck at home. I didn't ask for housing benefits, so I live with my family at age 45! Same thing has happened at the 14 jobs I've had. I've done the analysis of 'did I smile too much/little? did I not look into their eyes? was I too blunt? did I talk too much about myself (which is almost impossible because I've been thought to always ask questions and get the other person to talk about themselves because 'people love talking about themselves', and I don't) I don't know what I did wrong, all I know is that they convinced me I was the problem, that I am wrong, always. And it has turned me into a hermit = no friends, no job, no romance, no intimacy, and probably worse no hope. I'm rude, people don't like me ... Thanks for this very important video - I definitely agree that we can work towards fitting into life and people's expectations, but I also wish all neurotypicals would watch this video and know how difficult life is for us. I feel it's too late for me 😿 ❤

[@ps1999]

God that person did you great harm. you need a lawyer.

[@barbarusbloodshed6347]

Sometimes people are just a$$holes. Maybe she's one of them. Anyway, I used to shy away from conflict and that turned out to be a big problem on many levels. So I did a 180 degree turn and now anyone who wants a "fight" will get one. Definitely serves me much better. There are lots of people out there who accomplish their goals by being rude and walking right over others, and they keep doing that because most people, autistic or not, shy away from conflict. It takes people who won't back off and instead give them hell in order for them to stop with their awful behaviour.

[@sunnylight5753]

People are indeed A$$Holes, (I was excepted to be submissive, until I wasn’t) Some of those individuals, I no longer speak to today, No hate. I’ve been through some things that taught me important lessons. Right now, I’m alive & ok. I wish Us ALL THE BEST Journey’s I’d get a lawyer, they can help. Don’t give up. (I might be a little older than a few of you?)

[@KAT-dg6el]

I think you should make an appointment and go back for the rest of your benefits. That person might not even work there anymore. If you get her again request someone else and say there was a personality conflict. If asked, you can even tell someone how she made you feel. There’s no crime in that. A few years back I had to go in and get Assistance. I was treated good by the first person I say but horrible by the second one, a few months later. I discovered it was because too many people play the system here in the United States. They know what they can do to stay on welfare and food stamps. Depending on how I feel sometimes I will shut up like I’m told and other times I will ask why? Did I say something I’m not aware of to upset you? You probably won’t get an answer but I feel better when I put the “ball in their court”.

[@hannah-lk3oc]

I have a hard time explaining how scary and difficult maneuvering bureaucracy as an autistic person. People think I’m making it up. We are some of the most underserved even when we need the most help because of challenges like these. Thanks for sharing this story. I feel seen

[@KezzBracey]

There's been a conversation going around where lots of autistic people have learned we don't actually experience habits in the way NT people do. Turns out what we thought were habits are just routines. I looked it up and found we have a different striatum, which is apparently the part of the brain that forms habits. I think habits vs routines would be a great topic.

[@xjagwitchx]

Ohhh! I just found out about that! I was trying to explain habit vs. routine. I find it fascinating. I realized I don't have any habits!

[@KezzBracey]

@@xjagwitchx Bit of a revelation isn't it!

[@xjagwitchx]

@@KezzBracey yeah. Never occurred to me. Lol.

[@restorative-waves]

Do you think it's normal with autistic people to not only have routines, but crave them... but then sometimes want to break them? Could that be more of an AuDHD thing? Just curious on you all's thoughts, I'm an undiagnosed adult but relate very much to both.

[@xjagwitchx]

@@restorative-waves Oh, no honey, that sounds really normal to me. I don't know that I personally have ever CRAVED a routine, though. I just sort of fall into them.

[@jannettb7930]

Small talk and all the little 'small talk' type activities people expect of me are the bane of my work existence. I work in a fairly small office, probably 25 people in the whole building. When I get to work, my purpose is to go to work, so I go to my desk and start working. Everyone jokes that I 'hide' at my desk, but I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do when I go to work. When I go get my lunch, I go get my lunch. It's my break from people, I don't want to go get a bunch of other people I've been working with all day and waste half my break while everyone says what they want for lunch and chit chat about how hot it is or something. When work is over, it's time to go home. I leave and go home. I'm not 'sneaking out', it's time to go home, so I do.

[@SarafinaSummers]

I go to work to get payed for my efforts, not to freaking socialize about nothing in particular. That's what I tell people.

[@jannettb7930]

@SarafinaSummers I like my coworkers, and sometimes I like to do things. Like sometimes they will have a potluck lunch or an arty thing I enjoy, and I want to be included. But it's always a struggle to get them to understand how stressed and overwhelmed I feel being expected to engage in pointless social posturing with acquaintances. They're mostly good natured about it, but the ribbing and joking about it all the time makes me think they don't understand

[@elyaequestus1409]

@@jannettb7930 As an autistic woman who has been active in the workforce for 4 years: the chit chat might be exhausting yet it serves a goal. Chit chat serves like social gell in order for departments and/or workflows to effectively mesh. Being friendly and social is a very effective way to figure out who does what and whether people need your help or where they can offer you theirs. Learning on how to effectively communicate with your coworkers is a huge leg up, especially in terms of stress management.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@mariagrazina5422]

I am neurotypical but introvert and this absolutely resonates with me. As as neurotypical i understand why people have small talks or goes on breaks together ect but as an introvert i just hate it. And i feel like i always trying to "sneak out"... especially i hate it when it's your break and some colleague just want to go with me to "keep me the company" 🙈 and i just want to get my lunch and rest from all you mfs 😅

[@larrettamullen4023]

I know this is going to sound "next to impossible" but I'm actually an autistic person who has a good understanding of verbal and non-verbal queues. Because I have the "habit" of standing back and watching/listening to those around me (rather than being "in the mix"), I'm often better able to understand what someone is trying to say; than the person they are actually speaking to. In other words; I've been the "mediator" in many misunderstandings between "neurotypicals". ie, "You're saying [xyz] while they're saying [pdq], but those two statements amount to the exact same thing". Or "If you just stop to listen, such-and-such was meant as this-and-that, so no disrespect was intended.", etc. While I generally avoid conflict of any kind (both personal and remote); if I feel a misunderstanding can easily be resolved by a bit of "third-party intervention", I will try to help where I can. As an extension of that, there are way more people who call me "friend" than I would extend that title to. I know that sounds heartless, but it's my truth.

[@triptwo425]

Yes! I can completely relate to this!

[@futurespin]

I'm a people watcher too, I have always analysed how other people react or move, I can quickly tell when people are lying, each person will have a certain motion they do when they are over exaggerating something or lying about something. I don't like being in the mix only observing, I can often figure out people's motives or what they will be like in situations after only short conversations or watching. I'm definitely one of those I told you so annoying peeps when I tell someone, that person isn't actually very nice, they'll steal the clothes off your back as soon as you're not looking etc.. and said person does a mile high dump on my friend/partner and I'm just there watching the fallout. I also have or should say I had a super recogniser ability for voices and faces before I started to lose my eyesight and go slightly deaf and completely deaf to certain pitches, I still manage to do it often but not the way I used to😢 in movies I could tell who the person was and all the movies they had been in, this was including henchmen Inthe old 80s and 90s movies but again it's gone now lol. But I am still very much unable to control my own emotions or understand them and I do often miss social qués directed at me or laugh inappropriately at stuff no one else is laughing at and not get jokes. Sometimes I get the jokes but I take them literally and start explaining something even though I know it was a joke. People kinda get offended I don't laugh at these often and also do the omg it was a joke!

[@ps1999]

God help you if you paraphrase their sentiments down to what they mean, I done that results are usually half and half.

[@larrettamullen4023]

@@ps1999 So far, so good, lol. Because I always avoid stepping on toes, I always tiptoe myself. If anyone shows signs of not wanting to hear, I'm out... No conflict for me... especially over others' bs.

[@_Geist]

ohh wow i feel so much less alone after reading this. i've experienced almost the exact same processes. it's made me feel so out of my mind, some days, when i'm stuck in the middle. i'm currently being evaluated for autism, but my symptoms(?) are so subtle or internal that i'm not sure what to expect. you are not heartless; how could it be heartless to make genuine efforts to support and clarify communication in a group, especially to de-escalate unnecessary conflict?

[@arrowlilly5309]

Notice, to all Neurotypical people, our goal in life is NOT TO OFFEND YOU. We're trying to blend in. We're not making fun of you or ignoring you. We're not self obsessed or disrespectful. WE LITTERALY CANNOT, FOR THE LIFE OF US, UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT OR MEAN. This is why I always say I need subtitles for social interaction. If you say you want a sandwich. I'm not given enough information with that. I didn't get it if you were "giving me a sign" or a clue to something going on. I'm over here looking for a sandwich shop. I'm asking what toppings you want lol. I had no idea I was bothering you or that I was interrupting someone's interaction with someone.

[@nonya.bizness]

this! i just realized at my late age there's a name for how i am: autistic. my whole life i've felt- and said- that i was somehow taught a totally different version of the english language than everyone else. trying to talk with people, i envision a printed page of my clear, straightforward language, but everyone else's language frequently jumps into the white spaces between, invisible to me but clear to everyone else, and i'm left to try to, in my mind, LITERALLY read between the lines. how many thousands of times have i about just frozen up, realizing that the person is saying some words while fully expecting me to hear and comprehend totally different words-- what the HELL, people?!?

[@brianna094]

😂 I'm definitely not trying to fit in. Learned early on that I'm not meant to fit in 🎉

[@diepiriye]

I'm sorry that you feel that you have to defend yourself as such!

[@arrowlilly5309]

@@diepiriye its always been this way my entire life

[@consangelica]

According to my family. I'm pretty rude. Most of the time I'm actually just trying to help, usually giving them honest sincere advice. I often feel very confused with their reaction, because I thought I was doing something nice, by educating them about something or giving them good advice, but they often end up taking it the wrong way.😢

[@sakuraninja9073]

What I learnt is giving unsolicited advice is not welcomed. People would think you are being patronizing or arrogant.

[@christinagracewhite]

Yeah this is my biggest stumbling block. I love education so have loads of knowledge on random topics. I’ve just fell out with a close friend because she feels I patronise her and make her feel stupid. All of my family at some point have called me arrogant or overbearing. I’ve been masking my entire life as my ‘stims and oddities’ make me feel exposed to the world.

[@sakuraninja9073]

@@christinagracewhite feel sorry you have to go through it. I also have to educate myself on how I say certain things or expressing myself, so people don’t think I’m arrogant. It’s not easy…*hug

[@kingmasterlord]

golden rule. I'm not abandoning you to ignorance because I wouldn't want to be.

[@diarmuidkuhle8181]

Nobody likes to be lectured. As a general rule, if people want your specific input, they will directly ask for it.

[@cynthiamartinez4193]

I just gave my 2 week notice for a job that was ridiculously easy task-wise, but the toll on my body was far too intensely negatively for me to handle. Constant transitions and drastically different environments every hour. I was nauseous and trembling as soon as I thought about going back to work. I had trouble eating, forgot to eat or drink water, kept tensing my abdomen, bouncing my legs, clenching my toes and tapping my chest to prevent a meltdown. No one will understand or believe the effect this job has on me because I mask so well, so I just look ungrateful and rude. I hate it

[@luxdolphin-care6586]

In the beginning of my marriage to my wife, I witnessed her going through this "torture" every day. Thankfully I have a great career where it wasn't a requirement for her to work. When we moved into our house and witnessed this, I asked her if she wanted to, just quit and do something she likes. (College guitar classes etc...fun classes) See someone or be part of a group that relates. No pressure. 20 yrs later, I am so proud of her! She took it up on herself to get degrees in psychotherapy specifically to help with very thing. Public awareness. She said there's a lot of struggle with single mothers who suffer through this. Having a meltdown while they are changing a diaper, whilst another 5yr old is asking a question over and over again, and a sink full of dishes. Then the dog is barking. Just too much! It's more intensified and too much stimuli. No time to decompress.

[@luxdolphin-care6586]

I forgot to mention, the ultimate result is a huge meltdown!!

[@midnightorchid9731]

Before being diagnosed a couple months ago. I went into crisis at my local hospital because I needed help. I needed my ADHD medication and only had half of one left. So I took it just to help me geto to the hospital to get help and a refill. I was doing OK that day, but I get there and they started taking my blood preasure, the sensation of it was too much for me that day and bringing me to tears. My instinct was to rip it off, I could not think of words to tell her, even though I was in tears. Then they wanted a urin sample. And I asked for what? A UTI/ But I am not here for symptoms of a UTI or to see a medical doctor. "We just need it". Doesn't make sense to do. I don't understand why (now I do and know not for a UTI). "We just need to check" Why?. Social work finally comes down and started giving me the worst attitude. Even taking his mask off to spit something from his mouth. I was in tears because he was just so rude. When I asked why, he said it was because I was ruse. HOW?! Because I have sensory issues and need to understsand things that makes me rude? A month later I was diagnosed with autism. But this basiclly the story of my life. Ask questions and you are considered "rude". It actually makes me afraid to ask for help. I either ask too many question or don't seem to ask enough...

[@Suminka9]

This is so true for me as well. I think I am just generally afraid of people at this point.

[@alonespirit9923]

I've learned that when "they just need it" they want to prove to their arrogant selves that you are on drugs and therefore do not actually need the services you have asked them to provide. I don't know what sadistic and twisted personal satisfaction the medical providers derive from that, but I have learned that is often, maybe even usually, the foundation of the 'why'.

[@scottfw7169]

@@alonespirit9923 Actually, there are quite a number of people in the incurable illness and the disability community who have written about that kind of thing with their encounters with medical providers running along the lines of, _"Yeah, yeah, I know your chart says you've had this incurable disease since the previous century & it does exactly what is happening to you right now, but since you are the patient you are by definition incapable of even beginning to understand how this disease you've had for 25 years works and so you have no right to tell me crap about it. And we know your kind, you are just here for drugs. Get out and go home."_

[@midnightorchid9731]

@@Suminka9 I know I am. I am so afraid of reaching out for help now. Seems like I never say the right thing. I have even had a counselr tell me "Nobody wants to help you if youre going to be mean", but still would not tell me what it is I said that was mean. Now I am just too afraid to talk or ask for help. Seems pointless when all it does is get me in trouble.

[@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n]

@@midnightorchid9731 Ugh, neurotypical people can be some of the meanest people when you don't follow their secret rules, and they make a huge fuss when you tell them what you are and are not capable of doing, and then they retaliate against you, because they assume that what you're not capable of is a lie and you must be doing it to be rude, so they think it's fine to punish you

[@SarafinaSummers]

I was in the bathroom when they were handing outthe social expectations manuals and policies.

[@thatrunningirl]

my mum is my best friend. she works in retail. i had to go christmas shopping last year and while i was in the store she works in, she was helping me to print some photos off a kiosk. she was getting a few things wrong and i said (in sarcastic humour) 'how long have you worked here?' then some random overheard our conversation and just said RUDE to me. and then gave me a lecture on how i shouldn't be rude to my mum. i wasn't being rude. that's my sense of humour.

[@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n]

that honestly is exactly what I would say as a joke to a close friend or relative, and they'd know it and joke right back

[@promisemochi]

oh gosh the miscommunication and misunderstanding of humor!! i remember as a kid i was playing in my grandparents' living room while eating chips. my mom asked "where did you get all your energy and can i have some?" i cheerfully, sarcastically replied, "nope!" and my grandmother went off for like a good ten minutes yelling at me while my mom and i were just like "...." before we realized she thought my mom was asking for a chip and i'd said no.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@mikafoxx2717]

​@@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.nPlease just shut up with your product peddling. You copy paste this on every video. If you're not a robot, that is.

[@bethenecampbell6463]

​@@mikafoxx2717I was getting tired of those adds too. Report them every time I.see them. Talk about rude!

[@flapper883]

Now I understand why my nephew with Autism stayed in the bedroom playing video games during our family party. I also learned that I need to get to the point and avoid small talk with him. I will be sure to remember he might sound rude but is being honest. I can’t thank you enough for your videos and your willingness to share with us.

[@nnylasoR]

Hey! 🙋🏻‍♀️❤️ I was recently told (by a third party) that I offended someone very close to me, causing them to feel “threatened” - then later, the actual person complimented me and told me that they like how bold I’ve become. ✊😄

[@michelebriere9569]

I hear better when I don't look at the person when they are talking.

[@justuscrickets]

Active listening often backfires for me. I don't get the eye contact right, and my responses-intended to validate and/or clarify what's being said-are misinterpreted as challenging or parroting the speaker. Any attempt to relate to the speaker's situation tends to be misunderstood as "making it about me" instead of my intended validation & expression of empathy. 😮‍💨

[@martinmckee5333]

I often try to relate using personal stories (after the person I'm talking to gives one about themselves) and my experience is similar - that I'm trying to make things about myself... or simply an obvious desire on their part to end the conversation. I just can't figure out the right way to do things.

[@manuela1711]

Same her 😢

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@Axqu7227]

Focusing on the space between a person’s eyebrows is a good way to fake eye contact

[@mattw.6726]

I wanted to mention that the "be direct" suggestion can run into some speed bumps when talking to someone who's used to/prefers indirect communication. (In my experience, this is more common among women and individuals from East Asian cultures.) People who communicate in an indirect manner often expect others to do the same. As such, any time someone says something, the indirect communicator's brain automatically goes into "What is this person really saying?" mode. They're trying to read between the lines and get to the person's actual meaning, operating under the assumption that it's unsaid or obfuscated. Unfortunately, if a statement or question is too direct, it seems to cause the indirect communicator a certain amount of cognitive dissonance, where their brain automatically rules out the literal meaning of the words because "It can't possibly be that simple!". It's not something they're consciously doing, but it's a major impediment to communication, nonetheless.

[@randomreactions16]

I have had to talk with people like this, and LORD is it frustrating. Because I say exactly what I mean. no one has to "read between the lines" with me. But the people who feel the need to do this in every conversation, tend to completely distort what I try to say every danged time, and I find myself having to re-explain everything like 5 or 6 times before they actually realize I meant exactly what I said and there were no lines to have to read between. lol

[@mattw.6726]

@@randomreactions16 That's exactly it. It's like, I'm not trying to be difficult, and I know you aren't either, but trying to communicate with you really sucks right now.

[@randomreactions16]

@@mattw.6726 yeah, it's like mentally draining for me to have to communicate with people in general, and like a thousand times worse when they do that to me. lol

[@vaughn715]

I was undiagnosed until 18 and I always had more trouble communicating and building relationships with women than men. I never felt like I treated them differently than anyone else, and anytime I brought up this struggle, people would just make fun of me and I internalized that belief. I realize now that the real reason is that they communicate more indirectly and it was like women were speaking a completely different language than me.

[@rubikzombie]

As a Dad with Autism as well as being surrounded by Neurotypical family members, this video is great and will be shared!

[@tdsollog]

“That’s not my problem if I don’t find your joke to be funny…” Thank you. My husband gets offended when I don’t find his jokes (like pranks) to be funny.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@legosi2736]

@tdsolloy I know right? I feel the same when my brother, who is 18 his "jokes" aren't funny either which I clearly said in his face multiple times, But he's like (don't be so but hurt an crybaby) 🙄 I'm like dude STFU A$$hole! Anyhow I'm proud to be different ❤ so much love to you from your fellow autistic 23 year old

[@stupud818]

I read an article that neuro typical people begin a conversation by praising someone's effort first then go into offering advice on how to improve what they have achieved. to neuro diverse people this is interpreted as saying they can't believe you achieved what you did. So neuro diverse people offer advice first, then get around to compliments.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@Gigi-wb8pe]

I discovered at 52 that I'm autistic. It was a relief because I've been told for years that I'm rude, too direct, stubborn, hardheaded, a smartass... when none of those aspects were in my heart. I'm always mortified when I hear that someone thought I was rude or dismissive. Even asking questions for clarity has been a challenge. I'm quite articulate so when I get confused over someone confusing "a" with "the", for example, I'm accused of being nitpicky or arguing semantics. I've learned to be quiet and just stay confused. I don't work anymore. I retired early in 2020 with my husband. We live far away from anyone, off the grid. I can finally breathe. Discovering my autism has been a relief, as I stated, but also something to mourn - all the lost friends, lost jobs, lost opportunities and worst of all, being constantly misunderstood. I feel so unknown, even now, by everyone except my husband. When I was diagnosed, he simply said, "You're still the same amazing person I fell in love with - nothing has changed." We should all be so lucky to have ONE person by our side who sees us as we really are.

[@martinmckee5333]

I am certainly happy that you have that one person. I often wonder what is so terrible about me that I don't. But then, I also recognize that I don't "fit" in the neurotypical world very well at all. So I know it's not surprising, or malicious.

[@Gigi-wb8pe]

@@martinmckee5333 It took me a LONG time to find someone who got me and we still have confusion sometimes. We were in our mid-40's when we met. He's not neuro-diverse (is he?), but he also isn't typical. I understand how you feel. I promise, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. That's the loneliest because it removes even the possibility of meeting someone who's right for you. Until then, be the kind of person you want to find...and be yourself.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@ashar7751]

I never know how to respond when colleagues ask questions like: "How was your weekend?" or "Did you have a nice weekend?" And I have no clue why anyone would be interested. I for sure am not interested in other peoples weekends. It is Monday and I am here for work.

[@jessjameson285]

If I’ve purposely been rude, I always immediately apologize. But I can’t convince anyone that my unintentional rudeness (that I thought was me being nice) was truly unintentional. 😢

[@g6qwerty]

I won't understand a person's sarcasm right away because I have to get to know the person first so I can know which is sarcasm and which is genuine.

[@natural3362]

And never under estimate autistic bluntness. It took me a long time to understand why people are hurt because of my bluntness. Autistic bluntness is the truth that people don't want to hear about themselves. They hated it even more because they changed it

[@amandamandamands]

Add to the sensory sensitivity is that it can be dynamic, the clock didn't annoy me yesterday, today I want to throw it out the window because it is so loud. Same with some of my clothes, some days they are fine, other days the same t-shirt I am adjusting all day.

[@futurespin]

Yesss me too, it's a nightmare!

[@futurespin]

Especially if you get stuck out somewhere in an outfit that looked amazing last time you wore it but now you can't stand yourself in it and no change of clothes 😢

[@dannyglass1013]

My tone sometimes causes offence when not intended to! This video was good to watch as to know about tone being a thing in our community 😊

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@anthonyking4334]

@@bolinhong2598 beautiful!

[@Amanda-id4jl]

I clicked on this video so fast. The entire world considers me so incredibly rude and has affected me in a way that makes me a shut in. I always feel like it's a lose lose situation for me. If I'm quiet and reserved, I'm rude. If I speak as my normal self, I'm rude. I have cried so much out of frustration because of being misunderstood as a whole and felt like something is wrong with me, that I'm an enigma and has made me hate myself and blame the trauma I've endured as a child. Ever since my sister told me that I'm exhibiting Autistic traits, I've been doing a lot of research on the topic and i relate to almost everything. Thank you so much Orion for uploading these videos. I hope to be able to make friends that are the same as me so i don't feel so alone and broken. I feel like I can ow explain to people that I'm not trying to be rude. I'm Autistic. I will be going to a therapist to talk further about this to get a better understanding and hopefully be officially diagnosed. I just had to drop a therapist that told me that I can't be Autistic because I wasn't showing signs as a child. I dropped her so quick.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@cyndimoring9389]

I am in the same boat. I never would have connected the dots except that my daughter in law has been keeping notes on me since we met 10 years ago. My son didn’t see it but since they had children I have been canceled. I can’t even talk with my son about my grandchildren. Be gray you didn’t piss off the wrong people like I did. I now am seeking counseling for this and an autism diagnosis might explain everything. I am 68.

[@chris_troiano]

Orion’s got an overly-expressive communication style that is similar to mine. It’s in the unmasked videos too, so I know it’s not just a KZbin act. My affect has always been very visible since I was quite young, which means I don’t hide it well when I’m bored or upset.

[@nateo200]

He has a similar style as me. I'm very very high masking so I get it. The worst people are the types that are genuinely oversensitive and constantly tone police or read things into what I am saying that simply are not there.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@patriciag571]

I didn't make it. I crashed and died. Now that's a type of joke that cracks me up. I have literal tears in my eyes still.

[@JennyEliz_IstheShiz]

I was honest and direct and unmasked with a guy I was dating. I asked him why he had stopped communicating, and told him my desires for a partner who can communicate with me. He broke up with me and refused to speak with me ever again. I had told him at the beginning I thought I might be autistic and I was trying to be authentic. I learned from this that even when pre-warned, people do not want to hear my direct thoughts.

[@romanvalentine1629]

You know, I have come to realize just how socially inept most people are in my journey with autism. To the point that I ask are you sure that it is US that are socially inept?

[@AoiKetzally]

Watching the video and the theme of "small talk" appears, I instantly "we can move on to the important part", a couple of minutes later *realization* 🙃

[@TheRawChuck]

I'm pretty sure that both of my parents were Autistic but they also loved sarcasm, my mom more so than my dad. This is very fortunate for me because it helped me to recognize sarcasm and metaphor. I grew up using both, a lot.

[@boorex4203]

Thank you for these videos. They have helped me understand my autistic friends and family so much better. I must say I often right them off as rude myself but I gotta remember to put myself in their shoes. As someone living with a mental illness myself, though not autism I hate to be written off for being wired different aswell. If we could all just take the time to understand each other more I think this world could be a better place.

[@promisemochi]

also one thing i'll always regret that makes me genuinely tear up thinking about to this day, was ages ago back in middle school there was a girl that sang in our church. she and i always kind of clashed but one day at at event we were getting along really well and she was being kind to me. in my mind, i was like "friend!!!!!!" and i saw how people in shows were to friends, they'd banter and tease each other. so i thought that was how to be friendly and show her i was being friendly. yeah no that backfired. i said something really mean and said it in a way i thought was banter. that's NOT how she preceived it and i still remember how her face fell. we never spoke again after that. i was confused up until i got in the car with my mom that night and told her what'd happened and what i'd said and she was like "that was so mean and awful of you to say" and i just cried that night wishing i could take it back and apologize but not knowing how. i still think about that all the time and i wish i'd had the tools in my "toolbox" to recognize at the time and apologize. instead we just stayed away from each other and to this day, legit like 15 years later, i still feel badly about that.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@jackd.rifter3299]

People say I'm "intense" and it's like I'm interviewing them for something but I was just wanting the details, I guess the things others already know somehow but I need it "spelled out"?

[@user-wc6vv3fk5d]

i just cant bear too many noises, 2 people talking to me at once (i can barely carry on thru 1 conversation) those 2 people driving me batty. i perceive bright lights to be HOT, they actually make me sweat. im positive its cuz they put me in a panic mode for some reason... Thank you for this valuable content. we need any help we can get. its so freaking difficult. (the book, by the way, is difficult to put down! i love your addition of the comedic parts). Everyone should get a copy of the book, its full of things that each of us might find helpful. it may save a relationship, a career, possibly someones life. Thanks for making us feel like we are understood. it can be a lonely and confusing life for some. so awkward.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@vaasnaad]

Someone sent me a joke from "Eat the Rich." A tasteless joke about the submarine disaster that thanked them being vacuum sealed for freshness. I didn't even know what it was about at first. When it was explained to me I said, "But they imploded, they didn't run out of air. There's nothing to preserve let alone eat." Which was apparently funnier than the meme (which I found in bad taste any way pardon THAT pun). Just thought I'd add something more light hearted to the mix. I miss out on a lot of topical jokes because a detail like that is wrong and consequently I have no idea what they are talking about. I used to love watching people have to explain jokes to Data on TNG.

[@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n]

See, I got the joke, but I also agree with you that the joke fails because it's not accurate enough, and I think you're right to point that out

[@MsLuiser]

Thank you so much for this topic I really appreciate it. I am a undiagnosed adult autistic with a autistic child and realizing a lot of social difficulty stemming from my autism. I always called myself socially awkward to explain why I may come across rude but I never felt others really excepted my apologies or explanation and my messages never came through the way I meant it. I got used to staying up late writing notes of how and what I wanted to say for others to receive them without miss understanding or getting offended but somehow when I verbalise it the next day it's still taken wrongly. Electronic messages are still my preferred communication.

[@restorative-waves]

I super relate, and I'm an undiagnosed adult too. I've practised certain conversations, written some down, and sometimes even given the person the hand-written letter instead of talking face to face. In those few instances, it seemed to help (at least get my point across well). I also prefer written/text form. And also, I think it's okay to be awkward, I tell myself at least it's honest, and yeah :).

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@WendyJones-zx7is]

MsLuiser , Yes, my Son who is on the High Autistic Spectrum and he too writes notes everything he sees the doctor as he cannot get over the facts and feelings its a struggle for autistic people

[@Kloolass_Larspawn]

At what point does neurodivergance no longer excuses bad behavior? Asking as a neurodivergant whose needs were overlooked in favor of their equally neurodivergant sibling.

[@LisaLGruman]

I just spent my entire Thursday evening taking notes on these 43 minutes. This is the most specific guideline that I've been searching for to help me in my relationship, to understand, to know what to do, to promote compassion, peace and comfort. I am so grateful, Orion. You're gifted, for which we benefit.

[@alejandro-314]

I tend to be extraordinarily polite, avoiding at all cost offending other people. I overcompensate too much. So much that other people sometimes get mad because they feel I'm patronizing them. Especially at work. The only moment when it is impossible for me to mask is when someone says a wrong fact regarding my special interests.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@pikachufan3588]

The biggest thing for me is being honest. If you ask me if something makes you look fat, if it does, I'll say yes, to me it does, but that's just my perspective and if this dress makes you happy, it's the dress for you!

[@Gigi-wb8pe]

You're single, aren't you? :-)

[@arrowlilly5309]

And to go along with the rigidness and structure and sameness, this is why we have trouble making new friends or interacting with people. We dont know them. We dont know how to act. We dont know their sensitivities.

[@desert_moon]

I've been mistaken as rude a number of times and honestly it stresses me out and is hurtful because I wasn't being rude at all.

[@ZerothAmendment]

This problem is so frequent for me I came up with my own term “It’s not arrogance, it’s autism”.

[@ZerothAmendment]

It’s not that I’m trying to be rude or hurtful, it’s just that I simply don’t care lol

[@caiseejc]

I’m USUALLY good at saying my please and thank you’s but occasionally I forget to say thank you (especially if I’m stressed out about something) to a man holding the door for me and, including recently, the man doing so loudly declares “You’re welcome!” in a sarcastic tone. I know then he thinks I was being rude by not saying thank you for holding the door, but to me it’s even more rude to be sarcastic to a stranger like that. Another thing is I never ask someone how they’re doing or how’s it going even if they ask me first unless I know them already since to me that’s just unnecessary and meaningless to ask, but I’m sure it leaves the impression that I’m either rude or totally shy.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@Suminka9]

Love this video. I just realized watching this, that my whole life has been like a third-person video game. I don´t think of how I perceive the world, but how the world perceives me. All my actions are driven by the thought: ´´How is this gonna look to the people around me?´´ That is insane and I am just now realizing it. I need to switch to a first-person view, otherwise I´m never going to heal. I have a long journey ahead, but this realization sent me in a very good direction. Thank you for that.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@robscovell5951]

As an amateur photographer I have found that most people like clichés rather than photos that focus on gritty reality.

[@NexTakenouchi]

Long ago, my teacher was telling me something. I nodded and smiled as a positive response. Later that day, I'm called to the counsellors' office, "Why were you so rude to your teacher earlier?" "...????? I... wasn't?? oh my god, did I seem rude!?" Still sometimes happens. I guess there must be a cold deadness to my eyes or something.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@chrismaxwell1624]

I never thought I was rigid. I asked my wife if I was. She listed off two dozen example off the top of her head of how I am. I guess I never saw that as being rigid.

[@benjaminmcvay9864]

Small talk is the worst

[@zeitmeister]

Some situations are just comical. Like someone who's on the spectrum is talking at length on a substantive and interesting subject, and I'm intensely focused-- but they keep moving into my personal space (intensely uncomfortable) so I keep backing away. We end up doing a little dance around the room. It's ok- at least they weren't boring!

[@emmettobrian1874]

About honesty and what NTs call being overly honest, which I think is a mislabeling. The three gates made a difference for me. It goes like this. Everything I say has to go through three gates for me to say it. We're good with the first gate, everything I say should be true. Second, everything I say should be necessary. The clarification that saying nice things are automatically necessary was a game changer for me. Last gate, it should be kind. I might have a true, necessary thing to say, but I need to find a kind way to say it

[@diarmuidkuhle8181]

It's the difference between form and function. A lot of 'small talk' looks like pointless fluff because nothing of value is being communicated verbally. Instead what IS being communicated is your intention of being friendly by exchanging these 'meaningless' pleasantries. The meaning is just not directly in the words. It also serves as a useful gauge because when / if somebody switches from small talk to heavier or more personal subjects, that signals they actually LIKE you and would value getting to know you more closely.

[@buradi90]

I watch you to try to gain a better understanding of my autistic best friend and one of the problems we have is his lack of a joking tone of voice when joking so I don't know when he's serious or just joking.

[@JediObiDave]

I find myself thinking things are funny that others do not find funny. I also have trouble with prolonged conversations. They wear my brain out and I get bored with conversation extremely quick.

[@TheCommonS3Nse]

The active listening thing is key. I always try to remember an active listening tip about repeating back what the person has said. I think this one strategy helps me in two ways. First, it gives me time to process what they said rather than having a long awkward pause while I process it. Secondly, it lets them know that I have received the message. I’m horrible for listening to someone and just being completely deadpan. I’ve had to learn to give some sort of reply to let them know that I’m actually listening… and repeating back something they’ve said is way easier than coming up with a decent response in the flow of a conversation 😅

[@JasonNapalm72]

That is me 💯 and people act and say I am being difficult 🤯

[@ah57588]

I often explicitly say "just to make sure I'm interpreting correctly..." and do a lot of nodding at the end of sentences. Though I realize I tend to say "I" a lot as a means to not impose my opinions on others, and thus I'm conceited and arrogant... Humaning... What a time it is...

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@melbruhn9837]

I realized early on in my last relationship that I would require a separate bedroom and bed. He snored, and didnt respect my personal space whole sleeping and I never got any sleep. He took it so personally instead of seeing it as my accommodation and we ultimately broke up because i then refused to move in with him. 🤷‍♀️ could have been all avoided had he seen my needs.

[@lindaorlandi1127]

This is why I think I'll be single/ alone forever. I can't stand to have my sleep disturbed or to lose sleep. I can't function w/o all the sleep I can get.

[@GothicPoet]

My family has always said I talk too much when I get started but I am too silent if no one engages me. They say I am cute and odd. I come off like a child because I am focused on my interests that haven't changed since I was nine years old. I am 42 years old and I still watch cartoons and I watch the same videos over and over again. I don't leave my apartment unless I need to go shopping and doctor. I only go to Walmart and I only like three Walmarts near me. People think we are rude because they don't like having to adapt to our unique life. The world wasn't built for autistic people. We have to build our own world inside this one so we can live together with the normies. It's okay. I don't mind watching everyone be weird. I learn from everyone else by watching. I just can't be like everyone else. My community loves me and they think I am awesome because I am autistic and I have survived so much. I am stronger because I am autistic. I do have a responsible too to teach people about autism and how to be aware. Don't force me to do anything because it will hurt me and I will fail. Let me be myself and I will thrive. I think it's rude to expect people to be like you or the same. I will never be normal because my brain isn't normal. I am uniquely autistically me.

[@bethenecampbell6463]

I get labeled as rude when I've finally had enough of people walking all over me. I put up with grown adults not cleaning up after themselves when they use a break room that isn't even theirs for about a month then stop cleaning up after them, stop using the break room and make them move while I get my food out of the fridge. Because I'm not all happy and chirpy with them and state honestly why I'm not staying in the break room I'm rude. I honestly do not care what rank someone is compared to another. Adults shouldn't be making a mess in someone else's space without cleaning it up. If you leave ketchup on the wall because you use a trash can as a basketball hoop don't expect me to happily or silently clean it up. Blunt honesty isn't well received by NT people, but sometimes it's what they need. Sometimes the only accommodation I want is for them to accept the truth of what's said to them in the spirit it's meant . Even if that spirit is angry.

[@badbetty76]

Around the 19min mark and omg I try to be as direct as possible but everybody else then asks more and more questions and then I have to repeat "no, I just want...." it is soooo frustrating

[@dominiquedoeslife]

5:21 RIP 🪦 to me 😂😂😂😂 THAT, SIR, WAS HILARIOUS

[@shgysk8zer0]

I'm still unsure if I'm autistic or not. The end results are practically identical, but the factors that lead to them are basically backwards. For example, it's not that I don't pick up on cues. I pick up on *a lot*. Rather, it's that I'm very aware that such cues are prone to being misleading, so I willfully dismiss them most of the time. It's not unlike the very subject of this video. If anything, I maybe reject "social norms." I find all the shallowness and platitudes and hollowness just ridiculous. I actively mock them.

[@markdraine3571]

Try addressing these three things to see if you might have ASD.( It's diagnostic criteria ). #1. Repetitive thoughts and behaviour. #2. Narrow interests, like I'm really talking sports a ton, since childhood. #3..Difficulty socializing..I answered yes to all three ,big time. Guilty as charged.

[@annaczgli2983]

Appreciate you making this in-depth video. But, could you please include timestamps, if possible? They're extremely helpful within a long video.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@user-22-]

So.... maybe the best match for an Autistic person is... an Autistic person. 😊 Unless you *want* to become a 24 hr therapist, teacher & consoler, who will miss out on every other ‘normal’ aspect of a ‘normal’ relationship, don’t even begin one. You will wish, hope & pray they will change into what every other couple is/has & before you know it, you’ve lost *years* ! I feel for you buddy, but just trying to get *through* this was rough.. I got half way. All the best to you though. 🙏🏼

[@kaseylaurent4327]

When I finally figured out that my husband of 20 years is autistic, I spent days in tears over how many times I called him a jerk or stupid or rude, etc in response to something he said or did. I had to beg his forgiveness. Even knowing it now, I have to remind myself he doesn't have a mean or malicious bone in his body, no matter how he comes across sometimes.

[@carlinmccormick1105]

As a 65 year old woman, this is the first time I have come across a possible reason why I come across as disrespectful and rude! Autism! Your recommendation to understand my autistic traits is good; I have work to do. However, your recommendation for expressing thoughts, feelings and needs in a conversation directly, explicitly and straightforwardly by being myself and not masking was powerful! I can be authentic? Allow myself to be myself around nuero-typical people? This advice resonates with me because I have given that advice to my ADHD best friend. Of course I said it differently, “Stop acting like you are normal! It gets you into trouble.” Now I have to take my own medicine. Neuro typical people, I thank you for years of friendship! I apologize for everything!

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@cyndimoring9389]

I’m 68 and finally figuring this out.

[@amandamandamands]

Must admit I was surprised to learn that I came across as rude in emails because I got straight to the point. I was told that I need a lead in sentence first. The person that told me that I said that that sounded like fluffy bullshit, what got me the most was that they agreed that it was but it needs to be there for social norms.

[@kalijhawk70]

This made me smile as my husband proof reads my emails to check that I’m not going to cause major problems by my bluntness. I don’t do social etiquette either, especially on the phone on the very rare occasion I use one. No… how are you? Just straight to the point then…….. is that it? Followed by me putting the phone down. 😀. I tend to think that if someone has phoned me knowing my aversion to the phone then they only have themselves to blame. 🤣🤣

[@amandamandamands]

@@kalijhawk70 Yes, I don't get asking how are you as polite conversation, it just makes it confusing to know if someone actually wants to know. Also think it is stupid that you are supposed to ask how are you for the person to answer fine and then ask the same back for the same answer before moving on to what you actually want to talk about.

[@kalijhawk70]

@amandamandamands being totally honest, I really don't care how they are so, asking how they are seems wrong. Just get to the point and go away 😀

[@TheCommonS3Nse]

@@kalijhawk70 The oft ignored “how are you” question 😂 I get crap from my wife every time we go through a Starbucks drive through. They always start out with something like “hi, how are you today” and I’ll respond “Hi. I’ll have a…” 🤷‍♂️ Listen, you’re working at Starbucks. You don’t give a shit how my day is doing, and I’m going to forget about you 2 minutes down the road, so let’s just get our business done. But apparently that’s rude, so I have to remind myself to say “fine thanks how are you”… and that’s when they start out with “Hi, can I take your order?” And I say “fine thanks how are you?” Because I’ve rehearsed it so many time in my head 😂

[@kalijhawk70]

@@TheCommonS3Nse that made me laugh so much, yes to it all 😀

[@melloncolliemedb]

i understand why people prefer text and I like a text b4 someone calls me BUT I cannot stand conversation in text form. I don't need or want a response to anything i say or ask straight away or even in the same conversation, I can wait a long time. I need a clear beginning and end to conversation. Talking in text disrupts me, it's like having too many tabs open and wondering why my browser is slowing down. It saps my attention resource.

[@CIII328]

In the past year, I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I am be a bit rude to people, but it’s hardly ever intentional. I’m a very quiet and aloof person by nature, and my autism tends to exacerbate those tendencies. I oftentimes get referred to as “standoffish” or being categorized as someone with a bad attitude because of how distant I am. I don’t maintain eye contact, and most times, I just flat out avoid it. When I do maintain it, it’s because I’m forcing it. And it doesn’t help that I have a naturally stern expression, so people think I’m evil-eyeing them because my eyes are usually narrowed. And whenever I don’t really have anything to say or I don’t have a response to a statement/question, I just won’t say anything; not because I’m trying to be rude, but because I genuinely don’t know what to say or I just don’t want to say anything. I really only actively ignore people if they’re bothering me. I’ve also found that people don’t really know how to react to the things that I say them. I’m a straightforward person, so when I say things, I say them directly and honestly as I think them. If a person asked me why I hadn’t spoken to them and I said that I had nothing I wanted to say to them, they’d probably just think I’m trying to be rude. And also I’m terrible at small talk. I can give the standard “hello”, “nice to meet you”, “how are you” when I need to, but anything beyond that is a struggle most of the time. I’d prefer to just greet a person and then carry on about my business, but apparently that can be seen as rude, too. It feels like I can’t win the “social game” most of the time; like the rules or rigged to work against me

[@christineh4192]

Normies will find a way to conflate something as rude.

[@emmas-uk]

You are a great presenter and communicator. I love your sense of humour too. I’m starting to think my husband and I are both Autistic but the spectrum is so vast. He comes across as rude a lot and I’m really sensitive and so is he and takes things I say personally and literally. He can’t do banter easily but I love to joke and make fun. We’ve had a very difficult relationship at times. Any advice is welcome. X

[@sebastianallen3500]

At some point I grew so accustomed to people saying "come on are you gonna answer me" I started doing it too, only to be told it's rude to ask others to get to the point

[@katswan2569]

Please do a video on job/school performance reviews? I've had so many teachers and employers who see my neurodiversities as hurdles in life I just need to get over. "Just participate more!" "Just smile more" They eventually get mad when I don't stop being autistic for them and I suffer the consequences (the dreaded "performance improvement plan" that eventually leads to being asked to leave the organization). I don't know how to navigate away them away from my failings to focus on my strengths instead.

[@michaelfranz8252]

Honesty, frankness, open faced, often viewed as rude. We can learn to couch our words, softening the effect, if we can get a word in edgewise and not on the verge of a meltdown.....🙃

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@elizabethangus4758]

Growing up I had a habit of saying outrageous things with people I was fairly safe with. It was a way of learning and gauging reaction. Throwing out thoughts etc to see what was ok.

[@StillWatersRunDeep101]

it's just a different thing for each person. I don't like when people speak for other people on what they themselves are bothered by. , some people deep down are so wanting almost begging someone to speak about the heart of the matter like asking about a loved one who passed when everyone else tippy toes around the lost person like the subject of them is too awful to mention. I read about this in a book about grief, btw, by a man I knew who accidentally caused an accident that ended his wife's life and their unborn child; he, who was a church minister no less. And years later he could write a book about what really helps when you are in grieving over the loss of a loved one, and that is to ask about the person they lost because they need to talk about them with people.

[@mgd6087]

Most people (NT or ND) aren't Trying to be rude. It IS rude to simply get up and leave a conversation without some sort of good bye or "I'll be right back". To not take care with the feelings of people in front of you IS careless, hence rude. Example: Walking into a room where someone is watching a show and just changing the channel. (You should say you want to watch something else and ask if they mind changing to it). The purpose of small talk is to create a bond with people or even just to see if someone is friendly or hostile, able to work or play vs. sleep deprived, unfocused or not sober. "How was the drive" has three good answers: Normal. Worse than usual. Surprisingly good. Then shift to a subject you wish to talk about. The best deflector of "?What do you do?" is the answer: "I'd rather tell you about one of my passions". NTs: Announce before something happens: knock before entering their space, text before calling (unless there's an emergency), "I have a surprise for you" before actually giving the present or showing something new. Look at their face and body to see if they have finished thinking about the last thing before you continue. It will help all the confusion and frustration of both of you. Be as specific as you can: "Let's get fast food Thursday at 12:30" rather than "Let's do lunch soon". NDs: Buy a nice tiny pouch that you can clip to your belt lop (like the ones for ear buds) and keep ear plugs in. If people think you aren't listening to them but you are, tell them you are mediating the sound environment or that you'll pick up the conversation when you get to a quieter spot. Big airports generally have a chapel space that you can use as a quiet room if they are not holding a religious ceremony. (Atheists and Agnostics can use the space too. They usually don't have symbols of a particular religion). If there is not enough detail, ask for more but try to keep it to less than 3 or 4 questions. If someone won't turn down the lights put shades on. (Tell them why you are doing it.) Museums and large event spaces MAY have earplugs available. Should be an ADA compliance / disability adaptation thing but it isn't yet. I have seen a popular cafe where there was a bin with a package of earplugs for 10 cents or a quarter. About touch: Feels different to NTs and ND because (drum-roll please), the neuro is developed a little differently. One can caress and the other feels it as tickling. Heavy stroking from one can feel like a caress to the other. Learn and memorize how each of you receive touch and then adjust what you give.

[@jwonder7]

Just here to say I needed this video. I shared it with the few people who have not asked me to stop sending them videos about autism. It hurts a little because when my family asks me to watch something to discuss with them 99% of the time I do. Even if I’m not interested, I try for them. It feels so annoying for the people who accidentally hurt me the most to have no interest in my growth or diagnosis. I know they don’t see it as a them issue. They see it as me being needy.

[@bolinhong2598]

Dr Oyalo herbs is really helpful, and have helped my son improve with his speech and social skill complete. My son now responds to name, his aggressive behavior has stoped completely and he now sings and says what he want

[@clairesloan5248]

I have experienced similar with my Mum over the time I've been going through the diagnosis process. I got diagnosed last year by an Educational psychologist with ADHD, Dyspraxia and probable Autism. I've spent the last year coming to terms with it and finally got diagnosed via NHS with Autism and PTSD too from a lifetime of masking. At Christmas my mum said to me "the problem with you, Claire is that you don't actually have anything wrong with you, but you go online and watch things and convince yourself you've got them". This was so hurtful to me...especially as I found out she hadn't even read the report from last year as it was "a bit long". I've since realised that I can't force/change my mum in to a more understanding person and in order to not upset myself, I have let things go with trying. I've been diagnosed properly now at 47, so it certainly isn't a case of my "convincing myself through watching videos online". Good luck. ❤

[@K7Tinkebell]

I had quite some situations in which my boss had a "talk" about my "tone". That's pretty weird because he is not very socially skilled himself...what I told him in a heated discussion about how I should have behaved and what I was supposed to have said before. Well, after that he stopped bothering me like before...but I always feel these vibes from him like "I will artificially smile at you and listen to you regualarly, but I don't like you!" On the other side, I 'm not sure there are a lot of people where he is behaving any different, so... I stopped taking it personally. But I'm stressed out about the fact that sooner or later situations with him will snap again. 😒

[@rocksolid6494]

Sometimes a joke that is not funny is funny because its not. Its a zen riddle.

[@ardemus]

19:30 - "Being direct surely avoids misunderstandings," and thus prevents people from thinking you're rude? In my experience being direct generates confusion, and causes offense. I can only be direct with people who are willing to accept the breach of social covenants, and willing to disregard any perceived sub-textual meanings.

[@celestialproductions2871]

I totally understand. Since the pandemic i haven't been the same. I used to go to college but haven't been back since. Since the pandemic I haven't been productive. Its been hard to get back to the productivity I used to enjoy doing.

[@christophernash8166]

Thanks for your channel. My ex girlfriend is autistic and I didn't realize she was at first. She would be rude unexpectedly for the strangest reasons. Now I understand and take it less personal.

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills

[@soundbeast4957]

people think im joking when Im serious, and serious when I'm joking. It's a little annoying lol. I came down with an auto immune condition...not sure what it is yet, but, I get sick if I get too warm. and the sun makes me sick too, so I use an umbrella for the sun. my bff's brother in law asked what was up with the umbrella so I told him why, and he totally thought it was a vampire joke. So I just rolled with it...and aggreed...my bff said that i seemed to handle it okay. (thank goodness lol) BTW Orion, thank you for what you do. I'm thinking about doing a little youtube thing, but my stage fright is sort of nagging at me a little.

[@JFalcony]

I have started considering small talk an elaborate password to prove to NTs that I'm not completely unhinged so they will trust me enough to cooperate with whatever we are intending on doing and feel safe. That's what they need when there's no time to explain myself or expect them to understand. That comes in time.

[@ThisIsF-dUp]

In high school I had an unfortunate stimming technique considered rude by most: I would close my eyelids and roll my eyes when people tried to make eye contact walking to class. I would still smile and wave but that didn't really help.

[@nateo200]

Really?! Interesting there was a girl I knew who did this and I thought it was weird but I quickly realized she was just very nervous around me. We actually started to mirror eachother eventually lol

[@bolinhong2598]

Thank you Dr Oyalo for healing my son from autism. And I want to share about him to every one His herbs has made my son verbal and Improve in social skills