My Two Favorite Jokes

[@Sairin13]

A man is driving out in the country when he stops to ask directions from a local farmer. The farmer is sitting on his porch and the man notices that the rain is coming through the roof of the porch and dripping on the farmer. When he remarks about this to the farmer, the farmer replies, "Oh it's been like that for years" The man asks why the farmer doesn't repair the roof. The farmer says "I can't fix the roof while it's raining" The man asks why doesn't he do it when it's not raining. To which the farmer replies,"When it's not raining the roof doesn't need to be fixed"

[@vlogbrothers]

oh wow this is so good. -John

[@vickigsolomon1241]

@@vlogbrothers This is one of the jokes in the Arkansas Traveler song. It's very old. Another is "Where does this road go? " "It don't go nowhere. It just stays right here."

[@OctagonalGolbat]

That's exactly what it's like to have adhd though 😅

[@NinaDmytraczenko]

+++!

[@ElizaCorder]

+ yesss, I never thought of this as a joke, just knew it from the song, but it works!

[@quintingell]

I heard about this YA novel about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog on a cross-country adventure and I wanted to pick it up. When I asked the librarian about it they said it rang a bell but they weren't sure if it was there or not

[@Emily-un1wp]

+

[@petrichor9417]

Good one 😂

[@bouncingbean]

I chortled at this, but also really want to read that book!

[@shalvigarimanegi]

Haha nice one

[@jameskilgour387]

Wait so it's not a real book? Dammit I got excited for a second

[@clotildevivier8650]

My favourite joke from when I was a little kid: A man finds a penguin wandering the streets and is very confused. He brings the penguin to the police to ask what to do about it. The police says: You should take it to the zoo. The next day, that same policeman sees the man walking down the street with the penguin still. He asks: "Didn't you take it to the zoo yesterday?" To which the man replies: "I did, and he loved it. Now we're gonna catch a movie."

[@fang_xianfu]

I've heard this with an orangutan before. I like that version because they're smart enough that they could probably understand a movie!

[@BigMustard2099]

What does my ass and the Amish have in common? They both make their own stools.

[@effemeris890]

Ivan Pavlov is sitting in a bar, having a drink. A customer walks into the bar, and the bell over the door chimes. Pavlov puts down his drink, looks up with a shock, and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs."

[@finneganjohn3249]

+

[@candycoatedcactus]

+

[@Setheli216]

I love the message of this one

[@columbus8myhw]

I think this has happened to me.

[@spiritbond8]

i don't get it

[@Tyler-vn3ij]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said:" and what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few have planets, it's quite likely that there are planets like earth. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might be life." And Holmes said:" Watson, you idiot, it means that someone stole our tent."

[@vlogbrothers]

This one is great! And very resonant! -John

[@noahbodycares3005]

+

[@jimsbooksreadingandstuff]

That was the second funniest joke at LaughLab, a 2001 quest by the British Science Association to find the funniest joke. The winner: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

[@natalifortuna8693]

+++

[@pratiksedhain1821]

This is actually very funny.

[@kingsizedbaby608]

my favorite standup-joke: bo burnham gets on stage and asks the crowd: "do you guys like impressions?" the crowd cheers he starres at them and asks: "why?" a moment of silence then he says: "that was socrates"

[@futuremustache]

I was in a job interview the other day and the woman asked me to describe my greatest weakness. I responded, "well more often than not I'll interpret the semantics of a question rather than the pragmatics". She was intrigued. "Oh" she replied, "could you give me an example?" And I said, "yeah".

[@Ikine557]

This is amazing and I am going to use it in a lesson about pragmatics XD

[@ye11owflower]

Studying to become a speech language pathologist - this joke is going to be make me so popular lol!

[@elfutbolphenom]

So good

[@vlogbrothers]

The last 35ish seconds of this video is my whole existence at the moment. -John

[@shalvigarimanegi]

Haan. Take care 🌸

[@marinalundell8367]

Very relatable... How are coping?

[@bavadin9877]

Yeah, I've felt that way for a while as well

[@sanahasnain8031]

… 😒 it is entirely too relatable John

[@mariewikiwaka3851]

John how was the Euripides joke not on this list?

[@kingsizedbaby608]

"I wanna get a map and put pins in all the spots I've visited, but first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down" -mitch hedberg

[@elayna_]

+

[@marcellastname6862]

I love how the hamlet plot was a distraction from the punchline

[@veronicaholme803]

I sat there for the longest time like “but why is the moth Hamlet???”

[@angelcdeath]

Thought that seemed oddly specific, thanks.

[@LoveLearnShareGrow]

I knew that plot sounded familiar. Sheesh.

[@cloudshape2296]

Y'all should look up Norm Macdonald's telling of the joke. Believe it or not, John Green put in the plot of Hamlet to make the joke shorter.

[@Xatzimi]

For real, I spent the entire joke trying to predict how a moth/Hamlet pun was going to work

[@kelseybuckley2942]

whenever i'm on a road trip and we see cows i love to remark "oh look a swarm of cows!" to which somebody else will reply "a herd of cows" and i say "of course i've heard of cows, there's a whole swarm of them right over there!"

[@mlemleh]

Classic, I love it!

[@emmadonnini2210]

+++

[@dreadogastusf3548]

A little off the requested parameters but still very funny. I hope I remember that when I'm road tripping with my grand kids.

[@betsyradley3178]

The whole shtick taught to me by my grandfather and repeated thousands of times in my life. ‘Look, a bunch of cows’ ‘Not bunch, herd’ ‘Heard of what?’ ‘Herd of cows!’ ‘Of course I’ve heard of cows’ ‘No I mean a cow herd’ ‘What do I care that a cow heard, I didn’t say anything I wasn’t supposed to’

[@BartvG88]

On a vacation trip, my father fell and cut his leg up pretty bad and needed a blood transfusion. None of us could figure out his blood type. As he lay dying, he kept saying: “Be positive!” But it’s hard without him.

[@tazmon122]

a college student recently moved into their new apartment went to the furniture store down the street and said "i'm looking for a good deal on a couch, nothing too flashy, just clean and comfortable" the salesperson says "well you've come to the right place! lets start with this beauty over here, it can fit up to 5 adults no problems" the student's face dropped and asked "where am i going to find 5 adults with no problems?

[@vlogbrothers]

Brilliant!

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@lyreparadox]

+

[@oswenaisla4016]

+

[@YIsTheEarthRound]

One of my favourites (taken from Reddit): A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Amazing! 😂

[@joshmyer9]

As someone with a linguistics degree, I 110% believe this story happened. The departments are full of sarcastic smartasses who love wordplay. During a lecture about word formation via prefix/suffix/infix, the prof showed infixes in Tagalog. He then asked "Does English have any infix morphemes?" I looked around the silent classroom for a few seconds before throwing out "Abso-fucking-lutely!" One of the prouder moments of my ling degree. (Historically, that's pretty much the only common English infix, except! In the 90s, The Simpsons introduced "Homeric ma", used in things like "saxa-ma-phone.")

[@Nyzackon]

+

[@kaya347]

+

[@danagerber6852]

A husband gets his wife an elephant for their room. She thanks him, and he says, "Don't mention it."

[@MonsteroftheMW]

This joke is criminally underrated.

[@fudgesauce]

@@MonsteroftheMW -- OK, I'll admit to being stupid. Please explain the joke.

[@savchil]

@@fudgesauce "Elephant in the room" is a common phrase used to denote something that is very obvious to everyone but goes without being ackowledged or discussed because doing so would cause feelings of awkwardness or discomfort

[@abigailginzburg]

One of my father's favorite jokes: A man is convinced that he is a seed and is therefore quite afraid of chickens for chickens eat seeds. Eventually, the man's friends convince him to see a therapist and he slowly comes to understand that he is a human, not a seed. On his last day of treatment, he waves the doctor goodbye and walks outside, only to run back immediately, terrified. "What happened?" Asked the doctor. "I saw a chicken!" Answered the man. "But why are you afraid? You know you are not a seed." "True, I do. But does the chicken know that?"

[@misslenorelee6322]

this is such an amazing metaphor for recovering from complex mental health disorders created by trauma, yes I understand now that my trauma informs alot of my thinking process today and I understand that I am no longer in a situation where the source of my trauma can do me harm. But does the source of my trauma know that.

[@kzyub]

+

[@AmaraJordanMusic]

As someone who has terrible anxiety, I like this joke a lot. It wraps up some of the mindset where little quirks become big things that inform our lives and how we are allowed to behave and live within them. Even After you tackle a lot of what’s tripping you up, something can come from out of NOWHERE and be a whole new side to the problem, requiring the same amount of time and effort, if not more, than what you’ve already worked on. I’m going to be using this joke. 👍🏻

[@theresemurphy2578]

That may be the smartest, wryest, most insightful, best joke I've ever heard.

[@emilybach4814]

My favorite “informative” joke. Worth the read imo. A businessman was standing at the end of the pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The businessman then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The businessman then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” The fisherman said: “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life”. The businessman scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.” The fisherman asked: “But how long will this all take?” To which the businessman replied: “Fifteen or twenty years”. “But what then?” The businessman laughed and said: “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions”. “Millions? Then what?” The businessman said: “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends”.

[@sophietakach5683]

Nice. Don’t know why you didn’t get more likes

[@sprotte6665]

I didn't laugh, but that was so satisfying to read!

[@emmadonnini2210]

And it involves fishing boat proceeds!

[@onman14]

@@sophietakach5683 people probably get scared of reading this much

[@drdoof2940]

this is really good 😩😩

[@alanartero1999]

A man named Irving woke up early one morning excited about the first day at his new job. He got ready, kissed his wife Margie goodbye and left. Margie drank her coffee and was watching the morning news, when they begin reporting about active chaos on the highways. She immediately calls her husband saying, "Irving be be careful, there is a madman on the highway driving the wrong direction!". Irving replies, "You're right Margie, but there's not one, there's hundreds of them!".

[@vlogbrothers]

I love this one. -John

[@HelloFutureMe]

I was not prepared for a joke about moths to make me reflect on my "free-will-ish" existence, but here I am

[@gummyglenn83]

Exostinsiol

[@anthonydavis5288]

Hey Hello Future Me! Yeah the joke was pretty good

[@nujumkey]

Love your channel!

[@sebastianoleary2743]

But why is the Moth Hamlet? All of his problem are just taken from the plot of that play. I thought it would factor into the punchline but no, it's just window dressing I guess.

[@transhumean]

Seeing you comment here made my day!

[@Phazaar]

THE single best joke ever is: I went into the library and asked the librarian for a book on turtles. "Hard back?" "Yeah, with little heads." It makes me SO happy. Even years later.

[@kaleidoslug7777]

I love that, thank you

[@IrisGlowingBlue]

++

[@stazeII]

*slow clap*

[@JaminPotter]

Turns out it was actually Turtles, all the way down

[@sophietakach5683]

Got an actual chuckle out loud from this!

[@johnchessant3012]

After a long night at the bar, a guy invites his friend to see his new apartment. As they enter, the friend notices a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" The guy says, "Oh, that's not a gong, that's my talking clock". He picks up the mallet and hits the gong. From the other side of the wall they both hear, "Shut up! It's 3 in the goddamn morning!"

[@bouncingbean]

LOL! This was a new one for me.

[@sexyscientist]

That's funny and sad and instructive.👍

[@indubio1]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Cute 🤣

[@robzrapid3166]

+

[@inem6474]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

[@pintpullinggeek]

This one...I...I just can't.

[@krystofdayne]

Damn that is meta xD

[@oneminuteofmyday]

That one was physically painful.

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Woah, clever!

[@boringturtle]

A Pratchett quote that's had me laughing for days that might qualify: Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life

[@mephostopheles3752]

Another great Pratchett quote from The Color of Magic. Our “hero” Rincewind is talking to the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, and is essentially told not to run away and abandon the task he’s been given. Rincewind says “I assure you, the thought had never even crossed my mind, Lord!” and the Patrician responds, “Indeed? Then if I were you, I’d sue my face for slander.” Man had such a way with words. I think about this quote on a near daily basis simply because I never would’ve thought to put it that way.

[@asterismos5451]

I love that quote

[@augusta.5089]

out of all the comments i've read on this video, this one made me actually laugh out loud hahahah

[@ninnusridhar]

Pratchet was a god among us mortal men. "The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god)."

[@dextermays890]

that's actually from jim butcher! another great authoer, i can recommend his series the dresden files enough :)

[@GeoDGeo]

From Dimitri Martin (paraphrased): "Most German Shepherds are dogs."

[@acorntheforestegg8650]

Haha! I just posted a Demetri Martin Joke too! Comic genius 😎

[@mlemleh]

Fantastic!

[@heddam232]

My favorite Dimitri Martin joke: "According to scientists, about 60 % of the world's camouflage is undiscovered"

[@Rutabagas]

The other ones are german shepherds

[@TheShaleco]

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. “Past tense.”

[@anthonynorman7545]

Oof...not wrong

[@chrisandfluffs]

Kids are brutal!!!

[@cubeofcheese5574]

😔

[@PlanckRelic]

💀

[@duskyHeHe]

Ouch

[@puppyDawg128]

My favorite joke might fit in here- Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

[@24Botnix]

😂 Im definitely stealing this.

[@aslightlysavageburrito8217]

John Cleese, right?

[@brandonbrooks1073]

Another pig joke! I was driving down a back road the other day and saw something strange - a farmer in a field holding a pig up to into the branches of an apple tree - I drove on, but on my return trip i noticed the same thing happening again, perplexed i pulled over to ask the farmer what he was doing. "Feeding the pig apples", he said. Confused i asked him, "Wouldn't it save time to pick the apples off the tree first?", to which he replied, "whats time to a pig?"

[@vlogbrothers]

Excellent resonance! -John

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

What's time to a pig? That is really a great sentient.

[@OwlMae]

John you told this one on Dear Hank and John a little while ago: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

[@chofaimporovitch1543]

Groucho Marx

[@gertrudesuzan9253]

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra" "that's a freebie" - I found that one delightful.

[@roseatespoonbill234catherine]

Love it!!! 😂😂😂

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

Cute

[@elayna_]

+

[@lysaali50]

-i found that bee-utiful-

[@ToriKo_]

Beekeepers dozen

[@chloconuttree]

I don't quite remember who told me this joke, but it's definitely one of my favorites. So there's a man who operates trains for a living, but has a bad habit of falling asleep while doing so. One day, he falls asleep while driving and mistakenly runs someone over. He goes to court, and it's determined that he'll receive the death penalty via electric chair. So they take him to the chair and sit him down, and the executioner asks, "Do you have any last requests before you die?" The man says "Yes, I would like a banana." The executioner, a bit confused, gives him a banana, which the man in the chair happily eats. The executioner then turns on the chair, and miraculously nothing happens to the man. The executioner takes this to be an act of God, and the man goes free. The man returns to his job of operating trains, and winds up falling asleep at the wheel again and killing two more people. He goes to court, is sentenced to death, and finds himself in the electric chair once again. The executioner asks, "Do you have any last requests before you die?" This time, the man in the chair requests 2 bananas, of which he is provided. The man eats the bananas, and the executioner turns on the chair, and nothing happens to the man. The man goes free once more, to return to operating trains. Predictably, be falls asleep at the wheel and kills three more people. He goes to court, is sentenced to death, goes to the electric chair, and is once again prompted, "Do you have any last requests before you die?" The man says, "Yes, I would like 3 bananas." The executioner exclaims "NO, I refuse to give you any more bananas!" The executioner proceeds to turn on the chair, but it still has no effect on the man. Defeated, the executioner says, "I don't understand. I didn't give you any bananas. Why won't it work?" The man in the chair responds, "It has nothing to do with the bananas, I'm just a bad conductor."

[@mlnyonasi]

hA! worth the read...made me chuckle!

[@chloconuttree]

@@mlnyonasi I'm glad!! Lol i love jokes that get you invested all for a corny punchline

[@idontwritecomments]

Who the F keeps hiring him for the same job?!?!

[@charlottebass8277]

@@idontwritecomments a bad conductor

[@Someone-jf8uw]

LOL

[@goldshield10]

Infinite mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth one is about to order when the bartender slams down two beers and exclaims, "Guys! Know your Limits!"

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Love it

[@davidgreen139]

Yo this one is fantastic. Definitely going to use in my future math classroom

[@windsroad-]

My dad tells this joke: Once, there was a man named Odd. He hated his name. It caused him no end of trouble and people constantly made fun of him. By the end of his life, he had gotten so sick of his name that he put in his will that he wanted NO name on his tombstone. He died, and his will was followed, so as he asked his tombstone didn't have a name. Just his birthdate and his death date. Ever after, people would come and walk through the cemetery and see his grave and its tombstone without a name, and they'd say to themselves, "Now, isn't that odd?"

[@SurrealExposure12]

Brilliant. Hah

[@jenniferallday]

Awww, I remember my grandparents telling this one! Haven't thought of it in years- thanks for the nostalgia!

[@sweetsandcharades8383]

I actually think that Odd is a Norwegian name? I think I saw it as an author’s name years ago 🤔 (Good joke 👍)

[@themripley]

My 2 favourite jokes: Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"? And my other: A man walks into a library and says "Can I have some fish and chips please". The librarian stares at him and says "Sir, this is a library". The man apologises and then whispers "Can I have some fish and chips please". Don't think they instruct but hopefully they delight.

[@SacredDaturaa]

I like the version of the first joke that adds a second stinger: the other goldfish goes "oh my god, a talking fish!"

[@bendyer4567]

Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Man, is it just me or is it getting hot in here.” And the other muffin says, “AAAH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!”

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

I especially like the first one! And I like @Blackfish's extra bit :)

[@bethjohn1303]

Or my fave - "Two goldfish in a tank. One says, "FIRE""

[@WhaleTank]

A girl walks into an allergist's office. She explains her symptoms to the allergist. The allergist ask "how often do you sneeze?" The girl replies "the normal amount." The licensed allergist responds "It is not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze."

[@SToXC_.]

explain? or its just bad idk

[@mshep]

+

[@papalosopher]

Excellent.

[@papalosopher]

@@SToXC_. you have to listen to the podcast.

[@TallBison]

This one made me laugh the most

[@aletheiaverite]

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

[@MissingRaptor]

The set up was totally worth it! 😂😂😂😂😂

[@TurangaNibbler]

*these* are the jokes that I kick myself for loving. Lots of detail, developed characters, intriguing narrative, escalating steadily until just the right the moment when you've invested so much .. then you're slapped down with a bad pun. The kind of joke that leaves you disappointed yet gratified

[@wildechild72]

A psychic goes out to buy clothes Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn’t even try it on. Psychic: I’m a medium.

[@Vallam23]

I'm a psychic, I can always tell that when a joke starts with someone being called a psychic the punchline will be about sizes

[@megs2244]

thanks, this made me snort

[@mjolnir3309]

that reminds me of the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison. apparently, there is a small medium at large. (yep vallam23, it's about sizes, good call)

[@eimazd]

Ah, I was expecting "Sorry, I just can't see myself in it."

[@brandycarriere600]

I have a perfect one: An old man is terribly sick and fears his days are numbered. He is laying in bed feeling awful, when suddenly he can smell the most wonderful aroma. “Oh” he thinks “My dear, dear wife is baking me my favourite cookies. She knows just how to comfort me in my final hours.” He drags himself out of bed. He half crawls down the hallway. Slips into the kitchen and sees his beloved wife with several fresh trays of his favourite cookies and pastries. He swells with love. He shuffles across the kitchen and reaches out to grab a cookie. She turns and swiftly smacks his hand with the spatula. “Those are for the funeral!” I think this joke follows your theme as it shows how we tend to both see and treat people better once they have already gone than when they are still with us and can fully benefit from our love and kindness.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

++

[@wyrdsworth]

+

[@lichen420]

"I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later." - Mitch Hedberg

[@hannahs4054]

+ Sometimes you just stumble across things at the right time

[@RandyJames22]

😀

[@RandyJames22]

Also: "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

[@lichen420]

@@RandyJames22 :-)

[@rbb9753]

My favorite from Mitch: I am against protesting, but I do not know how to express it

[@lloydy272]

My favourite joke: Man in the army goes around and every scrap of paper he sees on the floor, he picks up and shouts "nope, that's not it". He does this for weeks and his senior officers notice and send him for a medical exam. The doctor examines him and determines he is unfit for duty and hands him his discharge papers. The man looks at them and shouts "that it!".

[@ccnomad]

* Laughs in Klinger *

[@user-jt8on8mj2c]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@RainaRamsay]

Catch-22 in 4 sentences, lol

[@ameliafrandsen668]

This one legitimately made me laugh out loud, thank you

[@spiritbond8]

it's only not funny cuy it's too real, when i was in the army a guy stuck a fork in a tree and watered the fork every day until they sent him home

[@infrabread]

An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies. He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited. After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family, the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had. Every single time, just before docking, the captain took out a small locket from his jacket pocket, look at it, and put it back. In all his time with the captain, he never asked what was in the locket. After looking through the boxes of this clothes, they fished out the jacket. Finding the jacket, and locket within, the first mate, for the first time in his time knowing the captain, opens it. All that is in the locket are 4 words: "Port= left. Starboard= right".

[@OopzyDayzy]

i like this joke, and... in case anyone is missing their locket, "there is only a little Port (wine) left." also, as a backup, port and left both have 4 letters.

[@miajar]

I relate too much to this! No boat with me in it will ever go in the right direction xD

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

Now that's certainly resonant.

[@JimBob4233]

@@OopzyDayzy That's also how you remember which way the colours go, as port is red

[@axelasdf]

@@JimBob4233 right and green have the same number of letters.

[@Raye938]

Three pirate jokes I like. 1) "What is a pirate's favorite letter?" Everyone says R to this, you respond "Arrr is a great letter, but my true love be the C" 2) Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender goes "What happened to you!" The pirate says "huh?" bartender "When you left here you were whole, now you have a missing eye and a hook!" Pirate says "Oh I had my hand cut off in a duel" Bartender "..and the eye?" Pirate "A bird shat in me eye." Bartender "..and it got infected or what?" Pirate "I wasn't used to the hook yet" 3) Pirate falls out of a crows-nest and crashes through the deck onto the captain's table. Captain "Are you alright!?" falling pirate "Aye captain, I've been through hard ships before"

[@barbtalbott8911]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "uh, do you know you have a ships wheel stuck in your pants?" The pirate replies "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[@wakjagner]

You tell these in rapid succession- "What's a pirates favorite animal?" Arrrrdvark. "What's a pirates favorite vegetable?" Arrrrugala. "What's a pirates favorite school subject?" (Arrrrrrrt or Arrrrithmatic, audience depending.) "What's a pirates favorite element?" (you'll hear Arrrrgon or Arrrrrsenic) "Nay, tis Gold!"

[@Raye938]

@@wakjagner I'll be using this shortly.

[@julietijerina8176]

"What is a pirate's favorite letter?" Everyone says R to this, you respond "No, P...'cause it's an arrrrr with a missin' leg!"

[@CHK046]

Two strangers sat down opposite each other in a railway carriage. One of the men had on his lap a cardboard box with holes in the top. After some time wondering what might be inside it, the second man said, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing your box. Does it contain an animal?” The first man smiled politely. “Yes, a mongoose.” “A mongoose? Where are you going with that?" “Ah,” the first man replied, “My sister has terrible dreams. She sees snakes everywhere. I'm taking her the mongoose so it can scare them off." “But how can that work,” the second man said, “Those are imaginary snakes?” “Indeed,” his fellow traveller replied. “Which is why this,” he says whilst tapping on the top of the box, "is an imaginary mongoose.”

[@ssatva]

This goes towards how I manage my anxiety at times; therefore, instructive. I like.

[@Sandtalon]

This is wonderful 10/10 joke

[@laurahtje]

Oh I like it!

[@Future_Pheonix]

This is like the sheep in Le Petit Prince.

[@pietrocelano23]

what a complex situation

[@crashmatrix]

I'm not sure this actually qualifies as a joke, but it always makes me smile, and might be my favorite so far: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

[@sophianeiblum2245]

👏

[@james4thedoctor482]

I like how flies can be the verb with time and fruit as the nouns or like can be the verb with flies as the noun!

[@rishikeshpokar6249]

@@james4thedoctor482 y

[@rishikeshpokar6249]

Ik

[@OliverHatched]

Groucho Marx wrote that one!

[@sarahjeanne9551]

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says “wow horse, you’re in here a lot these days, I think you might be an alcoholic.” the horse says “I don’t think I am” and then pops out of existence. so the joke is a reference to french philosopher rene descartes’ famous quote “I think therefore I am,” but if I told you that first, i’d be putting DESCARTES BEFORE THE HORSE

[@Morphimus]

Excellent one. Love how it seems like an absurdist non-sequitor at first.

[@arleyantes9321]

This get us off guard

[@devinhiatt9995]

Outstanding

[@mygutsaysmaybe1509]

Worthy of DH&J

[@gracezaky1192]

made me chuckle this one

[@InnuendoStudios]

An American tourist stops into a Spanish restaurant. Wanting to get a taste for local cuisine, the tourist asks the waiter for the special, despite not being able to understand the menu. The meal comes - a delicious, savory meat dish that the tourist adores. After finishing, the tourist asks the waiter, "Can you tell me what this dish was?" The waiter replies, "It is the testicles of the bull that lost in today's bullfight." The tourist is somewhat taken aback, but can't deny that the food was delicious, and they are glad to have ordered it. The next time the tourist visits Spain, they go to the same restaurant and order special again. But this time the portions are smaller and the flavor is bitter. The tourist calls the waiter over and asks, "What has changed about this recipe? Last time I came here, it was delicious." And the waiter says, "My friend, the bull does not lose every time."

[@hexeddecimals]

I've been enjoying your co-vids! Good joke too!

[@pokerraper1]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

[@noahbodycares3005]

+

[@OtakuAlice]

+

[@anthonynorman7545]

This one definitely informs!

[@belgarathdm6376]

Honestly the funniest joke is in response to someone who knocks on a bathroom stall occupied by you *knocking* "come back with a warrant!" god Dear Hank and John is hilarious

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

!! hey bell you got a heart! hell yeah you deserve it

[@belgarathdm6376]

gdsdsg thank Chloefren

[@Alexandru_Iacobescu]

Maybe respond : "It's open! You can come in."

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

@@Alexandru_Iacobescu that seems like the opposite of what youd want lol

[@szeth14]

¡Ocupado!

[@karinh2094]

This joke taught me several new words: A man walked barefoot across the desert, telling the fortune of anyone he passed. He walked for many miles, making the bottoms of his feet rough and dry. He ate only what he could find in the desert, which led him to grow weak and frail. His diet was such that it also gave him terribly bad breath. At the end of his journey he was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis

[@tsnap4]

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

[@trixicoriko2006]

+

[@IMakeupStuff]

+

[@snowybowietheadventurecollie]

+

[@neweyesable]

+

[@tmntallthewaydw]

+

[@djoakeydoakey1076]

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?" The horse says "I don't think I am...." and promptly vanishes from existence. See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

[@Hobbychemiefreak]

Up to the last line I thought this was just a weird version of the same old joke. Well done :)

[@miriamrosemary9110]

+

[@SeanKau]

+

[@vancouverlex]

+

[@hayk3000]

Explanation please?

[@sherrysung8334]

A preacher, walking by a beautiful field of wheat, calls out to the farmer working there. "Nice field you and the Lord have made here." The farmer replies, "You should have seen it when He had it all to himself."

[@wezul]

My favorite joke: "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!"

[@batya7]

Chemistry!

[@astrid8874]

And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life" But John came fifth and won a toaster

[@ofMindandHeart]

+

[@drunklandlord]

I’m not even sure why I love biblical allusion so!

[@miloshaymin]

This one got me

[@bitbeak]

Maybe not the most informative joke in the comments, but this is definitely the one that made me laugh the hardest.

[@chloconuttree]

Ahhhh an oldie but a goodie

[@reginag4053]

My husband's favorite joke: A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a mop." My favorite joke: Knock Knock Who's there? Control freak. Okay, now you have to say, "Control freak, who?

[@moiradarling97]

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting! (This is a new joke that I heard recently and it’s my absolute favorite)

[@FinetalPies]

I remember hearing this recently too... Technology Connections?

[@untappedinkwell]

+++

[@tegan6554]

+

[@allyahinblack]

10 minutes of fun and giggles right there :)))

[@miriamrosemary9110]

I like it!

[@PaulMason99]

This is an old joke but I first came across it via Douglas Adams' "Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul" I'm quoting his version of it: "We're terribly worried about Uncle Henry. He thinks he's a chicken." "Well, why don't you send him to the doctor?" "Well, we would only we need the eggs" The thing I like about this is that as someone who used to be very religious but isn't any more I find I have beliefs I feel I've outgrown but somehow, I still need the eggs.

[@vlogbrothers]

Oh, I like that one! Very very resonant! -John

[@anthonynorman7545]

Get a vegan meal. :) some times we only know how little we need the eggs once we stop eating them. Funny enough, I'm cooking eggs.

[@isaacostlund]

I thought the point of this joke was that the niece/nephew was the crazy one, as only an actual chicken could be laying eggs. Still resonant, as often people are convinced they see the insanity in others when its their crazy interpretation that's really apparent.

[@drunklandlord]

I find the beliefs and the eggs all the time when I’m talking to my therapist!

[@aedanhenry]

I think this one was in the movie Annie Hall too

[@girlwithtehface5880]

I have a joke that's the same one hundred years ago as it is today. Not all construction jobs are equally exciting. For example, making a hole larger is boring, while putting two pieces of metal together is riveting.

[@artistsComplex]

Omg I love this one lol

[@IrisGlowingBlue]

++

[@Mo-nj2hp]

Love the joke and the profile picture!

[@kentross1134]

Not a lot of technological advancements in construction I guess

[@Arionlappy]

Yup. You got me. I laughed out loud.

[@TheGreyLewis]

I have this anxiety around commenting these kinds of things, because to you I am one of many millions of strangers who appreciate and care about you and what you produce. But to me, you are the friend whose words, both written and spoken, carried me through the darkest parts of life since I stumbled across this channel in 2008. I annoyed my accounting class with snorts of laughter reading Paper Towns amidst a thick bout of depression in 2012. I listened to Dear Hank and John on my way to be with my dad after his stroke in 2016. Now, I read essays from The Anthropocene Reviewed to my husband before we go to sleep at night. And I still get excited every time there is a new video. I love you, like the older brother I've always imagined you to be. May you have company in this labyrinth of suffering. I'm sorry if I don't have a meaningful joke right now. I only have a heart full of care. I needed to make that known.

[@beemeistah]

+

[@janine2957]

this is so so beautifully put

[@1laurelei1]

❤

[@yuricorrea2491]

I hope @vlogbrothers see this.

[@failbuoy7810]

i should not have been waiting for a punchline

[@zfarley]

Told the moth joke to the person who is now my girlfriend on our first official date this summer, as we watched the sun set from Griffith Observatory in LA. Heard the joke from you first, John, I think on a podcast or from a tweet; it was a perfect rom-com moment that I cherish deeply :)

[@vlogbrothers]

I take full responsibility for this happy relationship. -John

[@miriamrosemary9110]

❤

[@davidgreen139]

@@vlogbrothers As well you should! 👏

[@oliedmis97]

@@davidgreen139 WAIT! YOU ACTUALLY EXIST????

[@davidgreen139]

@@oliedmis97 Yep, I tend to hang out behind the scenes ;)

[@charlesburke2056]

A man is passing a house when he sees, "Talking dog for sale - $10." Well he obviously doesn't believe the dog can talk, but he decides to check it out. He knocks on the door, and the owner tells him to go around back to see the dog. The man goes around back and seeing the dog on the lawn, says, "So you're a talking dog, eh?" "Indeed I am," responds the dog, much to the man's surprise. "You might recognize me from NPR where I have several podcasts. Radio is an easier place to make a living as a talking dog." "Hold on," the man says, "You're a talking dog who makes media for NPR?" "Not only that," says the dog, "I do all my own research. In fact, some of the research for my science podcasts has been used in the books of Stephen Hawking. He thanked me personally for my contributions to science." "You knew Stephen Hawking?" "Sure! Obama introduced us when I was working in the White House!" The man is astounded and goes inside to talk to the owner. "Why are you selling this incredible dog for only $10?" The owner replies, "Because he's a goddam liar."

[@finneganjohn3249]

+

[@candycoatedcactus]

+

[@Amandcr]

+

[@kaleidoslug7777]

+

[@treeofblue4923]

So good

[@mmceorange]

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're actually really good at it.

[@RenayOpish]

I mean, elephant jokes are definitely a class unto themselves.

[@kathrinwolf8514]

My favorite joke is a pun that doesn't work in English, however, it both delights and instructs, so I will explain: Treffen sich zwei Jäger. Beide tot. (Two hunters meet. Both are dead.) The German word "treffen" means both "meet" as well as "hit a target". So you expect the meaning "meet" and then a dialogue between the two because that's the common joke setup. But that's not the case here - the punchline comes immediately after the first line, completely unexpected, revealing that the hunters didn't meet at all, they just shot each other. The joke delights by being funny, but it also instructs us that sometimes breaking the rules leads to better outcomes.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

++

[@TheDanishGuyReviews]

To jægere træffer hinanden. Begge dør. Yup, still works in Danish.

[@niagargoyle]

This sounds like it is the same humor as “A man walks into a bar. The second ducks.”

[@lonestarr1490]

@@niagargoyle :D

[@mattyfeely]

Ohhhh I love jokes that follow a common set-up and then immediately throws you for a loop! It reminds me of the one that goes something like “A man walks into a bar. He suffered a concussion”

[@duck8dodgers]

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit leans over to the bartender and says, "I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think I might be a typo." I find this delightful, and it's a great reminder of the importance of proof reeding everythong.

[@osilion]

Here's another version of this joke that you might enjoy: A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The technician asks them what blood type they are. The rabbit replies, "I don't know what they are, but I am pretty sure I am a Type O."

[@mayagayam]

Loooove 😆😆❤️

[@joeinohio]

I heard a variant of this: A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into the bar. The rabbit says, “I’m sorry, I think there’s been a clerical error.”

[@zahraghandi1361]

I'm not a native and don't understand the joke. Can you explain?

[@duck8dodgers]

@@zahraghandi1361 rabbi and rabbit are only one letter off and if you accidentally type a letter you didn't mean to it is called a typo.

[@JordanThatblondegirl]

A Roman walks into a bar with his buddies, holds up two fingers, and says “5 beers please.” More of a visual pun but I adore it.

[@24Botnix]

That's actually so clever 😂

[@nathanguinnip1904]

One of my favorite jokes is an old Steve Martin joke: A man is waiting in an examination room when his doctor comes in. The doctor says, "I have good news and I have bad news." The man asks, "Give me the good news first." The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

[@Arianddu]

The depressing thing about this joke is that it should have the doctor saying "They're going to name a disease after me" but not enough people know medical conditions are named after the physician who first identifies it, not the person who has it.

[@JohnMoseley]

Reminds me of another very sad 'good news/bad news' medical joke: DOCTOR (speaking to recent amputee): I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, they've amputated the wrong leg. The good news is, the bad leg's getting better.

[@waltermeerschaert]

It's like the French have a different word for everything.

[@earthquakephotography7059]

Reminds me of a version where the Doctor says "You have a serious and life threatening illness" The man replies "Really? What's it called?" the doctor says "Well, what do you want it to be called?"

[@FlyingWhales13]

john green everybody

[@ThinkingPower0]

I read this online somewhere with clean jokes: I go to my job and dread my coworker. All they do is complain about not wanting to be there and wanting to go home. Today, they thought they had a clever solution. Before the boss came in, they stood on a table and put their arms alive their head. When the boss came in, they asked, "What in the hell are you doing up there?" To which my co-worker replies, "I'm a lightbulb." Flabbergasted, the boss said that my co-worker obviously has a screw loose and should probably go home for the day. As they get their belongings to leave, I begin grabbing my stuff as well. The boss asked, "Where are you going? We're already down one person for the day." To which I replied, "You can't expect me to work in the dark."

[@penname8441]

This is from the TV show, The Good Place. I still think its funny. Elanor: "Its, like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?" Chidi: "Plato."

[@ZezacleB]

I love this one. Chidi is so dumbfounded by Eleanor in that scene when he says that. That show has so much good humor, but those lines are some of my favorite.

[@RainaRamsay]

+

[@99thTuesday]

A man is taking an evening walk when he spots a friend of his down on their hands and knees under a streetlamp. “What are you looking for, Frank?”, the man said. “I’ve lost my keys” “What right here?” “No, over there in the bushes, but the light is better here”

[@vlogbrothers]

A++++ for resonance!!! -John

[@live4twilight4ever]

oh no that one is too real

[@OneRandomLeo]

Frank could be a moth, too 🤣

[@miriamrosemary9110]

+

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

I think there's better light in the podiatrist's office.

[@JasonRiek]

My two favorite jokes: A priest, a mechanic, and a programmer are in a car. At the top of a hill, the brakes give out and it goes careening down the hill. They manage to steer it into a ditch and avoid getting hurt. The priest says "Praise God for saving us!" The mechanic says "Nonsense, it's probably a minor issue, I can fix it." The programmer says "Why don't we push it up to the top of the hill and try again? It might work this time." A priest, a gambler, and an engineer are to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution. The priest is first, and asked if he has any last requests. "I wish to face my creator, so I place me in the guillotine face up." They do so and drop the blade, which stops halfway down. "A miracle!" the crowd exclaims, and the priest is freed. The gambler is next, and asked for his last request. "Well, it worked for him, so I'll go face up too." He does so, and again the blade stops halfway down. "Another miracle!" and the gambler is also freed. The engineer is last, and says "Well, it worked for them, I might as well try it, so I'll go face up as well." He is placed in the guillotine when he says "Oh, I see the problem!"

[@thewingedporpoise]

that second one really got me, thank you

[@moth_mum221]

Can’t remember where I heard it but I’ve always loved. I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

oh my god that one took me a second xD

[@moth_mum221]

Ah dang, I forgot about this one that might be better. One day, a man thought, "Hey, let's just store these thrones in memorium of our previous chiefs!" So the man started storing each of the thrones in his grass hut. Over the years, the number of thrones rose. For each year there was a new chief, the previous throne was stored in his grass hut. Eventually, he built a second floor for the newest additions. Year after year he stored each throne that the chiefs used. By the time a third floor was built, the thrones kept getting collected. And in the end, the grass hut collapsed on him. The moral of the story is: He who lives in grass huts mustn't stow thrones.

[@martinc7873]

I...dont get the apostrophe part of the joke. Could you explain?

[@marlisamay]

Are we just ignoring that you are likely the moth mum from John's joke?

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

@@martinc7873 if you remove the apostrophes and spaces it becomes “immature”, “immoral”, etc

[@rupertg3765]

John, this is my favorite story about jokes and storytelling. I'm a part-time comic and full-time retail worker. As a comic you don't get to tell the jokes you like you have to tell the ones your audience likes, it's just how it goes. Well, one day, I am working in a Liquor Store (it's a thing we have in Canada, go with it) and I begin to notice a lot of people wearing the same Lanyard and convention nametags. This wasn't odd, the store where I worked was near to 4 or 5 major hotels and convention centers. I notice that all of the tags and lanyards have NPCC on them (Nuclear Particle Collider Council, I believe, I can't remember the exact abbreviation) and I realize that this is it. This is the time to do my favorite joke of all time! I wait, I wait until I have some young 20-somethings at my register, a few of the Physicists behind them and a bunch of Physicists in the store. I tell some random jokes to the 20-somethings and jovially help them on their way. The Physicist come up, they're primed. They say to me, "Wow, you look like you're having fun," "Always," I say, "But, it's all about knowing your audience and having fun with them. Take ya'll, for example, I bet you get tired of people thinking physics is boring or difficult. I think physics is amazing and even funny, do you want to hear my favorite physics joke of all time?" Confused and slightly taken aback by my enthusiasm they, reluctantly, agree. "Ok, What do you call a Torontonian bus driver from Hamilton, Ont. who drives himself to work every day?" . .. Deafening silence throughout the store, thick with attention and anticipation. "A self-commuting Hamiltonian operator, of course!" Followed by 10-15 seconds of blank stares and silence, before the whole room erupted in laughter. The only time and place that that joke would ever work. Know your audience, folks! Love ya John, I hope this silly little story brings you a smile!

[@anthonynorman7545]

That's a deep cut! The United States at least also has liquor stores

[@ukenfuknfriends]

I have 2 jokes up my sleeve which I heard multiple years ago but am still waiting on the opportunity for them to be hilarious. One is just because the setup is long and complicated, so it might never occur, the other requires a specific audience which I hope to one day encounter.

[@emily-tg8wk]

@@ukenfuknfriends do share!

[@ukenfuknfriends]

@@emily-tg8wk unfortunately both work exclusively in Dutch, and one is completely impossible to type. In case you know Dutch(though most of this explanation will be in English). The typeable one requires a crowd with an important figure of authority. Either the head of the organization to which most of the crowd belongs, or an important political figure. then they should have a first name which can easily have 'je' or 'tje' added to it to make it sound more childish. In the case that I heard it it was Gert. It is important to speak to them extremely politely and only call them by their full title and their last name until this joke can be made. Then when it's time to make the joke, you ask them. "[fancy titles, achternaam], mag ik 'je' zeggen?" when they answer yes, you go to a 'cut the bullcrap' voice to say(in the case that I heard it): "Nou GertJE, ik zal jou wel eens effe uitleggen hoe je de boel hier eigenlijk moet regelen." The punchline is the second word of that phrase, so if all goes well it is impossible to finish the sentence.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Such a sweet story!

[@skittlecookie715]

My friend once told me this in eighth grade, and while doesn’t really instruct, its persistence in my joke library reminds me that sometimes there is joy in the simple and the silly. It goes, in call and response style: A:”What do we want?” B:”NASCAR noises!” A:”When do we want them?” B:”NEEEYYOOOWWWW!”(race car noise)

[@emilypresleysee]

Definitely made me smile! 😏

[@CircleThinker]

I worked that out at "NASCAR noises" but the punchline still made me smile. Excellent!

[@jaqihegland6232]

"What do we want?" "Ambiguity!" "When do we want it?" "... oh, you know, whenever."

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

idk any jokes but “just like last week’s video about stuffed animals!” made me laugh harder than i ever expected to, so maybe you actually have 3 jokes

[@untappedinkwell]

+

[@emilymacdougall184]

+

[@JamesDavenport]

The only joke my wife tells: How did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.

[@elraviv]

a metaphor for brainless people who rose to the top

[@41DegreesSouth]

My favourite - "I was reading the other day, about the leading cause of dry skin around the world. Yeah, turns out it's towels."

[@nigar5844]

I’ve been sensibly chuckling at all the jokes in the comments for the past 10 minutes. I had a really shitty day today, I really needed that, thanks guys

[@heathcampbell4058]

Hope you're doing ok. Hang in there. Xx

[@ToriKo_]

Saaaaaaaaaame

[@ammarosman2352]

Exactly the same

[@bestintentions6089]

🤗have a nice day !

[@BrianTeague00]

Agreed -- I teach college and classes start tomorrow. I have never been so excited to read the comments!

[@bcfblack]

There's a great joke that is often told as a true story, and which is not, but is in my opinion no worse for being fictional: The story is of a radio communication between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland. Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.” Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.” Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.” Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.” Americans: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.” Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

[@marie-louisegidius4815]

Canadians: "Sir this is a Wendy's"

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Hahaha so good! Definitely includes a nice bit of wisdom

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

There was an episode of The Office where Michael skipped that joke.

[@JimBob4233]

A sailboat out of Harwich capsizes off the coast of Germany, and the captain manages to scramble on top of his foundered vessel with the radio desperately calling for aid. "Mayday! Mayday! We are sinking!" he calls again and again into the radio, praying that anyone will hear. Eventually, a crackly response comes through. "Zis is ze coastguard. Vat are you zinking about?"

[@aoibhinquinn7310]

I've heard this joke told about an English ship and a lighthouse off the coast of Galway

[@AwkwardSpaceOctopus]

Heard this common quote in a university lecture today, and it may qualify. :) “In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.”

[@jordanw2741]

Why did the Norwegian army put barcodes on all of their ships? So they could Scan da Navy In. Why don't comedians ever make steak jokes? Because it is a rare medium well done.

[@AxxLAfriku]

GAGAGAGAGAGA! I will now count to 3 and then I am still the unprettiest KZbinr of all time. 1...2...3. GAGAGAGAGAGA!!! Thank you for your attention, dear jor

[@Lulu-qp4jm]

The newspaper reported today that a man had escaped from prison. He was serving a sentence for fraud for selling his services as a psycic. He was described as a short man. The headline read, "Small Medium at Large"

[@Max_Matrix]

Hank actually used that first one in a dear hank and john podcast episode a few years ago

[@raulviii60]

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

[@raulviii60]

I of course love it

[@jimsrasel]

Scientists finding the mass of a rainbow and finding out that rainbows are pretty light is my favorite joke as of the moment.

[@markfisk7124]

Your delivery could use some work.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

@@markfisk7124 While true, I still enjoyed it! First time I encountered this one.

[@jasonhenson7948]

I want "How heavy is a rainbow?" to be a riddle in a very serious game of DnD.

[@dark_neverland]

I am terrible at remembering jokes but keep picture versions on my phone of ones that hit me in a particular way. My favorite of them: In Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor...making him the Centaur for Disease Control. Word pun/play never fails to make me laugh, even if it's corny like "dad jokes"

[@madhippy3]

I had to read that very slowly, but I finally got it. Good one.

[@freedapeeple4049]

How long is a Chinese name Punctuate as you see fit.

[@rileylittleraven]

I totally forgot about this one! Thank you - I'm dreading something that's supposed to happen any minute now, so reading this was a welcome distraction.

[@kerrinwhipple]

Here's two - A man is late for an important meeting and desperately looking for a parking spot. He pleas to God, "Please lord, if you help me find a parking spot I swear I'll go to church every Sunday and give up drinking." He immediately pulls up to an empty spot and says "Never mind, found one!" --- "I saw a sign that said Watch for Children, and I thought, that sounds like a fair trade." - Demetri Martin

[@miriamrosemary9110]

+

[@feldensteincalypso3458]

I hate commenting on KZbin but as my favorite joke so perfectly fits what you're asking for I simply cannot resist: There is a man with all the trappings of worldly success. He has much wealth, is accomplished in his field, and happily married. He himself thinks he is happy, until one day he hears a story about the wisest sage, a person of infinite wisdom, who lives far from civilization and is reputed to have all the answers. Learning of this sage causes this man to start wondering about the meaning of his life, indeed about the meaning of life in general. He eventually becomes so restless and unhappy that he resolves to track down this great sage and find out the meaning of life. His quest takes him to every continent. Disasters befall him. He loses everyone he held dear, but still he seeks. With his money nearly gone, his health shot, and the remnants of his youth becoming a distant glimmer, the man hears rumor of the sage he seeks living on top of a mountain in an obscure area of the Himalayas. He travels all over the Himalayas until, a mere shell of his former self, he finds the mountain the sage lives on top of. With his last strength he manages to climb the mountain and, sure enough, at the top, he finds an ancient sage sitting calmly on top of the wind blown peak. “Oh great sage!” The man says “I have come across many oceans and searched every continent for you. I beg you, will you answer my one question? What, what is the meaning of life?” “Life is a fountain.” The sage replies. The man considers. The man is flabbergasted. “I have given up great riches, a happy life, my health, my youth, my family, everything! I have suffered untold hardships and years of privation to find you, and you tell me “Life is a fountain”!!! The sage looks at him, slightly startled, “It’s not a fountain?”

[@AspienPadda]

Sorry whot?

[@rorhan]

This is fantastic

[@pedroide23000]

sorry, i dont get it, would you please explain?

[@feldensteincalypso3458]

@@pedroide23000 I would love nothing more than to explain. But I'm not sure it's possible. Also, my specialty on the Internet is being misunderstood, which is unlikely to assist us here. But let's give it a go: The joke is about a man putting so much extraordinary weight into finding the answer, only to find that the answer might be about not putting so much weight into anything? The comedy is in the extreme build up to something so slight? A person asking a question for 20 years only to be asked back a question? The befuddled surprise of the wisest person ever in never having even considered the meaning to his great wisdom, or the idea that it might be patently ridiculous? Also, weirdly, and it doesn't come through in this as a written joke, but I think of it as a Jewish Joke because the guru and his attitude is very Yiddish and Jewish in tone and in his attitude of blithe adaptable befuddlement. This joke is as much a door to spiritual consideration as it is comedy, which, admittedly, it only barely is. But, If by some miracle, you now find this joke funny, my day is made.

[@pedroide23000]

@@feldensteincalypso3458 thank you so much!!

[@melaniescharrer7190]

Favorite joke: two muffins are in an oven and one muffin says "sure is hot in here" and the other muffin goes "AAAAH! A talking muffin!"

[@gracekinne3452]

The last 35 seconds of the video might be the best part of the video. John just gets me without knowing me.

[@alana314]

I went into Starbucks and asked for their mildest roast. They said “you have very average ears.”

[@echojardini]

This one. This one got me.

[@felikso]

I love this one. this makes me very happy.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Why is this so funny?? 🤣🤣

[@AustinChambers302977]

Lol 😆

[@28th_St_Air]

This made me laugh a latte

[@Sodaburger]

My favorite joke: Two goldfish are in their tank; one turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive"

[@barbtalbott8911]

Two fish are swimming in a lake when they run into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam".

[@wakjagner]

Very nearly the same as my favorite joke: Two goldfish are sitting in a tank; the one turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[@aphynes]

An office worker - steady, reliable guy - goes to work as he does every day when he hears a booming voice in his head "Quit your job, sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas!". Obviously, he'll do no such thing, but as the weeks wear on and this happens every day, and his job gets more and more frustrating, eventually, he cracks and takes the voice's advice. He's trepidatious, but as his plane approaches Vegas, the booming voice is heard once again, but instead says "Grab the first cab, head to the Bellagio!" - and the man's excitement builds. This is real, it must be! He hops into the first cab, heads ot the Bellagio and no sooner has he stepped out of the cab, the booming voice speaks to him again "Head in and to the right, to the Roulette Tables!". Picking up the pace, he rushes in and finds the Roulette tables, and the next instruction calls to him "Go to table 6! Table 6!" - the voice, too, sounds excited for him. As he gets to Table 6, the voice again; "Bet it all on 15 Black!"... the man is frenetic now, does as he's told. The wheel spins, spins.... and settles on 13 Red. The voice: "Damn".

[@capitalistraven]

This is very good

[@feyetho9524]

I'm sorry. I'm dumb. I don't get it.

[@sdegueldre]

But 13 and 15 are both black...

[@aphynes]

@@feyetho9524 The voice is assumed to be a higher power, a God - at the end, it turns out the voice was just gambling.

[@aphynes]

@@sdegueldre I could claim a typo, but no, that's definitely ignorance. Never played roulette, thought every number appeared in both colours! Learned something new today :P

[@NavyHamster901]

John Green Non Fiction Author, Fictional Author, and now Stand up Comedian. He is so versatile

[@bluewales73]

Fictional author indeed

[@DontRobMe13]

And actor & Semi professionell fifa player

[@NavyHamster901]

@@DontRobMe13 I can’t believe I forgot both of those. He really is so versatile

[@ireallyhatemakingupnamesfo1758]

And professional movie caster!

[@Carneyar_the_Druid]

Looking at this video he is a Sit down Comedian...

[@mikedonovan8811]

I thought when the moth said, “If only there were just one” problem, it was because he had six feet.

[@penname8441]

A comedian speaks into a microphone: "Would everyone named Mike please stand up?" People named Mike stand up. The comedian says, "This concludes the Mike check."

[@GeorgeRow]

Should it not be “this concludes the mic stand test”?

[@Print229]

The pig joke is my father's favorite joke, too. He has Alzheimer's and I haven't heard this joke in many years. Thank you for the memory. ❤️

[@Silhouex]

One of my favorite jokes was apparently written by a Native American when receiving some kind of award. He said, "I would like to thank my legs.. for always supporting me, my arms.. for always being by my side... and my fingers... I could always count on them."

[@KooblayKhan]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But doctor…I am Pagliacci.' #alittlesad. first time I heard the joke was from Watchmen.

[@vlogbrothers]

One of my all time favorites. Thanks for reminding me of this one! -John

[@movingforwardLDTH]

“clown Pagliacci” translates to “clown Clowns” (Finally, I get to use the Italian I’ve been studying for 156 days now)

[@shreyasbhave1526]

this joke reminds me of robin williams :'(

[@miriamrosemary9110]

I also knew this from Watchmen!

[@mshep]

I read this in Rorschach's voice before realizing where it was from

[@MD-mh7bp]

oh shit, there's a part of the very good podcast wolf359 that hinges on an understanding of the 3-legged pig joke (because in the show the joke is used as a bit of an allegory but the punchline is never delivered) and I DID NOT KNOW THE JOKE. HAD NOT HEARD IT IN FULL UNTIL TODAY. that answers about 4 years worth of confusion

[@danielshauly6300]

Oh god so that's why it sounded familiar!! Thank you

[@Hermaniac8]

I'd be happy if the moth joke stopped at "if only there were one problem" That's some good, bleak absurdism all by itself.

[@Merlincat007]

I think it's funnier with the misdirection though! Especially the way Norm McDonald tells it

[@stephendill312]

Substitute millipede and you're there

[@MrZAPPER1000]

@@Merlincat007 so weird that This video just came out a week before Norm passed RIP

[@morgangoin]

My favorite one is a bit long but worth it: A long time ago near an unspecified medieval European village, there was a well-respected monastery that housed an order of monks up on a hill overlooking the town. The village and the monastery had a friendly relationship, and the monks spent their days tending to their gardens and copying books. One day in late spring, the town experienced one of the worst storms in living memory. While the village escaped major damage beyond a few flooded homes, the monastery, being up on the hill as it was, had its tall bell tower struck with an enormous bolt of lightning -CRACK!- The sound of it carried for miles. The next day, the monks came out to take stock of the damage and decide what to do. "This is horrible!" a young initiate wailed. "We live a humble life in service to God- we have no money for this kind of repair!" Other monks were equally morose. One of the more senior monks, who had more dirt under his fingernails than the rest, broke through the concerned babble, saying, "We DO have quite the extensive flower garden that managed to survive the storm... What if we were to sell our flowers in the village until we have enough money?" The monks had no experience with such mercantilism, but agreed that it was probably their best option. They gathered up their most choice blooms and sent some of their initiates into the nearby village to try their luck. To the monk's surprise, the entire lot was sold out within the day! The villagers were more than happy to buy their flowers from the monks once they had heard of their plight. As the weeks went on, the village continued buying their flowers almost exclusively from the monks, which caused the local florist no end of dismay as he watched his own stock wither and die for lack of customers. Fed up, the florist decided to confront the problem directly and approached the monks at their market stall. "As I'm sure you can understand, my business is dwindling away to nothing from this scheme of yours; surely there is some other way to get the money you require?" the florist pleaded. "Nonsense!" said one of the initiates, with a big grin on his face. "At this rate, we'll have the belltower repaired in no time and you'll be able to resume your profession!" The florist was speechless- it would be summertime by then and his available stock of flowers will have wilted! His business would be ruined! Fuming, the florist stomped to the favorite inn of the biggest, meanest brute in town- a man by the name of Hue Morris. The florist shoved a hefty bag of gold at the mountain of a man and told him to go "convince" the monks that it would be in their best interest to leave the floral business immediately. Mr. Morris grunted his assent, pocketed the coins, and left. Sure enough, the next morning, the monks' usual stall was empty and they never dared sell flowers in the village again. Which just goes to show, Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.

[@emmahacker4020]

+++ Absolutely, definitely worth it 😂😂👌👌

[@OmNomNomTurtle33]

Out of all of the jokes Hank has told on the pod, this one still makes me laugh. Largely because of how delighted John was with it. "An ancient Greek playwrite walks into a tailor's, and he holds up a pair of pants and says 'I need you to mend these pants!' and the tailor looks at the pants, and then he looks back up at the playwrite and says "Euripides?"

[@jeka8826]

Yes, Eumenides?

[@ninjaboi1312]

Yay YAY... Do You care to explain the joke to the smol brain people like me over here?

[@OmNomNomTurtle33]

@@ninjaboi1312 Euripides is pronounced like "You rip-a these" haha

[@kryxena]

Definitely the best of Hank's dad jokes!

[@ryanlangan1060]

Had an English teacher in HS that told a similar joke - he was really into the Greeks. He also happened to like to do cartwheels as "reward" for the class being good. On one particular day another student and I tore pieces of paper as he did his cartwheel. He did not find that funny, even with a reference to Euripides.

[@אלחיפלד]

one of my favorites: Two guys with serious financial problems decided to ask god for help. The first guy says “should we just pray?” , his friend replies “no, I have a better idea. We should write god a letter asking for 500$” and so they did. When the letter arrived to the post office, the workers who saw the letter is to god decided to open the letter. After reading the letter and being touched by the struggles of the guys who wrote the letter, all the workers decided to collect the money themselves. Each worker gave as much as he or she could totalling 450$ and they send it back. When the two guts saw the envelope with the money in it they could not believe it. They counted the money and right after that, they wrote a new letter to god. “First god we want to thank you for the money you sent us” they worte “ secondly if you may, next time you send us money don’t send it by mail. Those bastards from the post office stole 50$”.

[@ordinaryyoutubechannel582]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No," the woman replies, "go right ahead." The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora," and sits back down. "Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."

[@rukbat3]

I lol'd.

[@mlemleh]

Amazing.

[@YouShotMyRobot]

I love this one 😂

[@evanjohnson4436]

(A moment later, another man walks up to her and says "Bargain". "Thanks", the woman says again, "that means a great deal".)

[@Enchanted_Owl]

+++