We Have Totally Different Love Languages

On today’s episode, we hear about:
• A wife who’s frustrated that her husband isn’t meeting her needs
• A woman who filed a protection order against her husband, but her church disagrees
• A mom who wants to help her teenage daughter overcome her night terrors
Next Steps
📞 Ask John a question! ter.li/0pimqr
📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: ter.li/TDJDSBNAL
📝 Anxiety Test: ter.li/6zeike
📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future: ter.li/TDJDSOYP
❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: ter.li/TDJDSQFH
💭 John's Free Guided Meditation: ter.li/mnl8mg
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[@chucksl21]

"you've cast him in a movie that he doesnt even know he's in and you get really mad that he doesnt know the lines." Doc, that's a bar!

[@soniamendoza7497]

YES - i literally paused so I could write this down, PROFOUND

[@jessicalitzinger9729]

Wow! This made me stop in my tracks, very well said and very eye opening statement!

[@DeeLee-p8c]

Jaws the movie.😅😅😅😅😅

[@ashleyduckworthyt3224]

Sierra: 1. Doesn’t want to have her MIL watch her kid. 2. Doesn’t want pay to hire a babysitter. 3. Wants to go on dates without their child. Girl you can’t have your cake and eat it to. You need to let go. You’re burning your marriage to the ground by worrying about something that isn’t happening

[@kayligo]

He was so patient with her. I really hope she gets it now.

[@julieann2315]

Bet she's gental parenting and wants to control how everyone acts.

[@ashleyduckworthyt3224]

@@kayligogosh, me too. I can completely understand the crushing anxiety but it’s not serving her or her relationship. I really hope she looks inward and sees she can’t be healthy in that mind-set

[@thermalreboot]

It sounds like Sierra wants to justify expecting her husband to be a mind reader and making him responsible when he fails. Worse, she doesn't know what she wants and is making it his fault when he doesn't know what she wants.

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Sandra Pogodova said: "Dont look for culprit. People who look for culprit are not looking for solutions." So maybe she is looking for culprit rather than solution or also the commenters are looking only for culprit instead the solutions as some therapy or communication skills etc. Commenters rarely are looking for solutions, they just want to pick who is doing bigger mistakes.. instead of finding a solution for a better communication and connection.

[@thabsmkhize2481]

True. Frustrating to listen to. I kept asking myself, how old is this person?? Be an adult already, you’re literally leading a family as a parent.

[@Kellyc888]

@@thabsmkhize2481She said her family is in Salt Lake, likely her family is Mormon. Average age in Utah for marriage is approximately 20 and birth of a first child is around 22 for women. I was raised Mormon myself (I left a decade ago) and sadly far too many in Utah marry before they are nearly mature enough to make such a huge commitment.

[@thabsmkhize2481]

@@Kellyc888 ohhh thank you for that insight! Gees i almost feel sorry for her then. She’s a literal kid!

[@thabsmkhize2481]

@@Kellyc888 kudos to you for leaving!

[@Sara-zi3kl]

After 11 years of marriage, what I finally learned (thanks to Dr John) is that men can't read minds and I have to be very specific with my husband. The first caller needs to get over her anxiety especially after 2 years and tell her husband what she needs

[@shaquejones4119]

Agreed

[@jessicajohnson8378]

Yes I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I have to tell him what I want I have to be vocal about what I want even when I'm just texting him I have to tell him what I want and what I expect from him because if I don't tell him he won't know men do not read minds ladies

[@AliciaMcIntire]

Sierra is almost certainly an LDS girl who got married way too early, because she was trying to make her life fit the perfect Mormon mold of mission-marriage-first baby by 25. That's why she's so disappointed. Life can't be forced into a specific timeline or perfect picture. You have to be okay with imperfection: imperfection in your husband, in your babysitter, in your child, and in yourself.

[@reneeantwi-boasiako3974]

I'm so sorry Ms. McKenzie. That's not a church. My heart breaks

[@benmyers9030]

Her plates and tv break too.😂😂😂 What will break next!?

[@abigailreed7707]

I think people are forgetting the part where they mentioned that the first caller has anxiety, most likely spun out of hormones- she is clearly having a very rough time mentally. Anyone who has anxiety knows where she’s coming from. I’m glad she called in!! She needed someone to talk her through this and let her know WHERE her thoughts stem from and that they are not routed in her husband. They come from within her. Which means they can be healed. ❤ I hope that anxiety is soothed in her. Praying for her and any mom struggling.

[@denisesalles7248]

Two years after the birth of their child doesn't seem like a hormone issue.

[@laneparker319]

It definitely can be. I had postpartum for 9:31 16mos with weekly counseling. I felt insane!! Finally said yes to anti-depressants. Thank God!! I'm praying for this caller. I suffered by myself, husband was military, deployed. Not stationed near family or anyone I knew that could help. Very frightening!!

[@laneparker319]

Please talk to someone about medication. Doesn't have to be anti-anxiety. Antidepressants do a better job of getting post partum depression under control. CALL your OBGYN. They are use to dealing with these issues.

[@kylemize7616]

@@denisesalles7248you’d be surprised. These things can last for years after having children. It’s extremely difficult to go through

[@marksimmons7906]

Been married for over 20 years, and I swear just being open about what you want is not only important but ESSENTIAL. Because one thing that definitely changes over time is who we are. And no matter how much you want to romanticize it, you cannot expect your partner to just guess what your needs are all the time. And if you yourself can’t articulate what it is that you actually want, then you are definitely the problem. You can definitely try and set some ideas of what you want, generally, and then be happy when somebody surprises you. But you can’t be let down if they don’t just anticipate you. And the worst is the people that don’t even know what they want themselves. If you can’t spell it out, you have no right to expect somebody else to figure it out for you.

[@izzywox8246]

Bringo!!!! I couldn’t have said it any better. Thanks for typing this out

[@sarahalderman3126]

Just fyi, that is not the worst, it is actually extremely common among those who’ve actually experienced the “worst”. Those who are neglected and or abused as children often grow up into “adults” who do not know themselves. This occurs because they are “taught” to hide their needs, feelings, and emotions as children. Never learning to even identify who they actually are but more importantly they are taught that they do not have any inherent value. Yes it is extremely difficult, nearly impossible at times, but it simply is not the worst.❤

[@viajar777]

I really respect Dr.Delony for being so professional with people who are beyond difficult. I really feel so sorry for her husband. Poor guy!! Her expectations are delusional.

[@Dixie8642]

You’re so very good at this, DJD. And I’m so grateful, as a church girl, when you call out churches when needed. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@devastator3094]

people like the first caller have to realize they need to heal. being around someone that is constantly stressed just ends up stressing out the other person. my ex was a person that had a rough life before she met me but over time i could tell she seriously needed to heal from all of that. it was overwhelming for me. that energy affects the home and the relationship and has to be addressed.

[@KyrstaLenon]

Post partum struggles are so tricky. I had PPD after a few of my kids’ births (not sure about PPA and how related they are), and I didn’t feel completely myself until 2 years post partum, even when my depression was long gone. At least for me, my hormones fluctuated and took that long to settle down and for that brain fog to FULLY leave. So for mothers struggling with any kind of anxious or depressive thoughts, they might be working as HARD as they can to be “normal,” but their bodies/brains just aren’t in a normal state. It takes intentionality to communicate with their spouses effectively and graciously, and for their husbands to remind them that they’re a team. It requires sacrifice and grace and love on both sides.

[@doug6191]

Different love languages is not "opposite". 3:00 - He's not the problem. This is a HER problem. She has unclear and unmentioned expectations of him, and he's not doing anything "wrong". This is the wife's problem she is projecting onto her husband.

[@apriltownsend8463]

Different and opposite are the same thing dude lol

[@doug6191]

@@apriltownsend8463 So, east and northeast are different. Are they opposite? Don't be dumb.

[@apriltownsend8463]

@@doug6191 Yes LOL

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Sandra Pogodova said: "Dont look for culprit. People who look for culprit are not looking for solutions." So maybe she is looking for culprit rather than solution or also the commenters are looking only for culprit instead the solutions as some therapy or communication skills etc. Commenters rarely are looking for solutions, they just want to pick who is doing bigger mistakes.. instead of finding a solution for a better communication and connection so its aesier to find a culprit than trying to use the eneryg to find solutions.

[@viajar777]

That’s so true!

[@andreanease4215]

Night terrors: change diet. Remove all grains/sugars/carbs. Fixed sleepwalking and night terrors in one of my children. Gut inflammation, brain inflammation. It’s easy to try and eliminate that as a cause before moving on to psychological issues.

[@AshleyLebedev]

Im a practitioner of Eastern Medicine. I agree with all of this.

[@ashleyduckworthyt3224]

While I agree that diet has played a huge roll in changing my health, I fell there is some pushback warranted here. No matter your diet, if your own parents are unregulated emotionally, that will take its toll. This is clearly an environmental/relationship problem. I grew up moving across the globe, eating local cuisine of many Asian and Polynesian cultures. No matter what my diet was- i was still not sleeping bc i was having abandonment issues. This family can focus on bettering diet AND seek psychological support at the same time. It’s not one before the other, but working in tandem.

[@masaniazura2131]

Ist caller has a pre-written, textbook, fantasy marriage in mind. This is what she and her high school girlfriends stayed up giggling about during slumber parties, and/or the plot of the young romance novel she read. Guess what, that's not what guys do, so they don't have those scripts.

[@sabrinaliu66]

John deloney is way more competent running a church than any pastor I have ever known over the past 30 years

[@CarinaAbramovic-sh8ej]

❤❤❤

[@oterosocram25]

I'm a leader in my local church and I'm also helping another church hire a permanent pastor for that congregation. Based on your comment alone, it is clearly evident that you never understood what church is and you have been making really bad decisions based on ignorance for the past 30 years, really sad to hear. Church is not run by one person, is ran by a congretation with the help of the elders and a competent lead pastor or with spiritual gifts. John does not run a church. John does not posses the crdentials to "run" a church. After many videos watched over and over, I can confidently say: John is good in what he does, SECULAR psychology, therapy, counseling BUT not Biblical, which is completely defferent. John does not possess a healthy Biblcal knowledge and capacity to give biblical counseling, I have witnessed this way too many times and have brought it up too many times in too many videos. John is not really sure on what he believes, based on his experience growing up and and his exposure to bad doctrine, John is unfortunately shaky on his beliefs and is way too liberal in the subject. I have to say, you have either been exposed to fake pastors or pastors that have not been approved to be pastors with no accountability. Special Note: John frequently gives credit and recommends resources from fake and dangerous "Christians".

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@oterosocram25I’m pretty sure Dr. Delony is a leader in his local church as well so… what do you have to say about that? Plus did you miss the fact that John hired a theology professor to teach him this entire year so that he could be completely anchored into his beliefs and values. I think he is a great man who knows how to lead, and definitely can do a better job at leading a church than whoever McKenzie’s pastors are. That’s for sure!

[@oterosocram25]

@@flashthecorgi2053 Well, you are assuming in too many points, which is equally dangerous. Also, you read my comment to respond and not to understand. I was responding to another user. John could be a leader in his local church, sure. But you are mixing when I said "Leader in local church" and the reason I made a comment on another user comment. But oh well. What church does John goes to? What position does he hold? what department? What does theology has to do with my comment? Do you know how many theology professors hold wrong biblical doctrine? Was his hired professor a Theology professor from the LDS, JW's, Calvinism, Catholicism? it makes a big difference. PLUS, I can be exposed to as much theology as possible but the fruits will ultimately be evident. When John councels people in Biblcal doctrine and theology MOST of the time is wrong. At the end, I would never say "Your Church is wrong" I would see the issue on the top level and will try my hardest to dismantle it. I wich I had McKenzies church information, phone number and address, I would travel and confront the leadership for sure.

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@oterosocram25 “John is not really sure on what he believes, based on his experience growing up and and his exposure to bad doctrine, John is unfortunately shaky on his beliefs and is way too liberal in the subject.” How is this not assuming? I responded to this comment in particular. This is quite judgmental for someone that is a leader in their local church. Like Dr. John has said he’s worked really hard to learn his beliefs and anchor into his values so that he’s NOT “shaky on his beliefs” and WHY do you have to being politics into this too? You have no clue what John’s views are he rarely talks about his biblical views since this isn’t a faith based show!

[@juliaalzofon9572]

Second call: I wouldn't be at all surprised if the son has less issues with ADD and acting out once things calm down at home.

[@kylemize7616]

As a man with ADHD, I didn’t punch the walls and the roof of my car over and over because of ADHD. I did those things because my dad was abusive, had massive anger issues, and I had no clue how to process any of it

[@juliaalzofon9572]

@@kylemize7616 I think lots of kids are misdiagnosed with learning and anger issues when really, they are being exposed to abuse and trauma in the home. I am so sorry that your dad was the way he was and I hope that things are getting better for you now.

[@kylemize7616]

@@juliaalzofon9572 Thank you so much. That’s a really interesting perspective

[@ef366]

Rumination without a solution, equals depression- Dr. Ramani Durvasula.

[@Demetrius_Ambrose]

There are so many “churches” out there that are not in The Word of God and therefore have lost their way. The result is ungodly advice like the second caller received from her “church.” The outside world then lumps all Christians together because of these… “churches.”

[@BrittneyWillis-o5l]

McKenzie, as a believer myself… you need a new church family ❤ I’m so sorry 😞

[@TheFlowerQueen]

Amen!!

[@jennyjunemoon-walker8739]

Come to New Life in Ferndale!! We will love you back to you!

[@inspiteofbecauseof4745]

To the first caller, my assumption is you spend a lot of time online and dreaming of life like you see online…which is fake. They aren’t living that life either.

[@lisacrews3060]

Once again we see the results of not raising girls to be direct and assertive. I suspect his first caller was sent messages in whatever subculture she grew up in that direct and assertive are mean and/or masculine traits. No one seems to have told her that no one else is in her head and everyone is different. The only way we can know what you want is for you to say so. We only guess what very small children and non-verbal dependent adults want-everyone else we respectfully listen to as they explicitly state what they want because making assumptions is a bad character trait.

[@izzywox8246]

💯

[@mmkvoe6342]

Either she wasn't expected to state her needs, or, perhaps more likely, she was expected to read others' minds growing up and is an expert at it as a survival tactic while simultaneously knowing if she stated her own mind or waited for someone to read her mind it would do no good.

[@tinam761]

Sierra, you complain and then your husband tries and then you tell him no and he tries again with absolutely no way to win… that is exhausting… he is going to give up at some point and do what it takes to get away from being told he’s doing it wrong … all. The. Time. Stop 🛑 expecting him to know what’s in your head 24/7 …. If you want a picture with the baby ask … make it a regular way to communicate to say “honey, can you … thank you… I love it when you do that for me, for our family “ give the guy a freaking bone. Stop 🛑 demanding something that CANT exist in this world !!! How can you go in a date when you won’t allow ANYONE to babysit the baby??? Seriously!!! The fact you’re upset about that is nuts! You’re the one squashing everything… I imagine your husband is just sitting there with his head in his hands exasperated… The anxiety… you seem to REALLY identify with the label and have taken that on. It is NOT you, you DO have to deal with it though. Get into therapy with someone that will push you a little… I finally found a therapist that pushed me a little and I was so thankful!!! Just talking about it solves nothing. There IS a way out of anxiety… it will require daily practice. For exercise… cardio can be really helpful. Yoga - it makes you focus on your body.

[@andreanease4215]

To be fair, it’s completely logical not to want someone else to watch the baby. There’s tons of scientific evidence that shows one consistent caregiver in the first three years of life is crucial for proper development. However, I agree she shouldn’t hold a grudge because of that. My husband and I didn’t have a date night for over a decade during the thick of it with littles. It was frustrating, but it was our choice, which we don’t regret, and we didn’t get angry about it or blame each other. We found little moments here and there to get us through.

[@lh1514]

We are assuming that grandma isn't a good one. But it's possible the daughter in law has the issue not grandma. Her husband seems okay dropping off a child with his mother. These situations can be a little confusing because there's always more than one side to the story. I think a lot of the issue is stemming from the caller. Not necessarily her husband and his parents.

[@dan44zzt231]

Mother in law probably said one thing wrong once, and instead of talking about it she's just going to resent her forever.

[@TheFlowerQueen]

You can feel the anxiety in her voice. She's probably a constant live wire. Which I empathize with! The very new mom years are harder. But you have to learn a new way to live or you will burn out and burn out the people around you. I hope she can get some assistance with learning how to move beyond anxiety, for herself and her family

[@kleanslate9906]

ALL OF THE ISSUE!! She badly needs a good Therapist

[@Girlgonewise]

She sounds like a nightmare as a wife and I’m assuming she makes her in-laws crazy, so they stay away from her. There is no pleasing her.

[@devadii24]

I know a few daughter in laws who are against in laws watching their kids but their own parents don’t offer…. bc they know the list of demands it comes with… typically these are control freaks that don’t trust anyone with their kid but it was ok for those people to raise your husband 😅

[@RShaun]

First Call: Thanks for acknowledging the criticism of your behavior disparity towards male/female callers. I appreciated you considering how he may have experienced her conflicting needs from anxiety. And you gave good advice. 👍🏾 Her saying everything is like pulling teeth means she probably can’t emotionally handle conflict. She fears it even if it wouldn’t happen. She can’t advocate for herself and is trying to offload emotional labor. She wants the magic feelies of him figuring her out but she doesn’t know she has to be figure outable. There has to be a treat at the center of the maze or he won’t keep chasing what she needs to feel happy.

[@chrisoneal2718]

That is so sick that her church is siding with her husband rather than her! Please find a different congregation!

[@Nt4DaY]

I understand that people change and our needs change, so we have to communicate them explicitly, especially in long marriages or relationships. But it has happened often to me that in the beginning to partner goes above and beyond in wanting to know what does needs are and showing appreciation and love spontaneously. So when that stops and they don't seem to care anymore to do that, it's easy to feel ignored and unloved. It's nice to feel like he is trying things spontaneously because he wants to make me feel loved and cares, and not only because I asked

[@Lanes8930]

I've lost count of how many times I've said " can we please have a date night and some romance" I wish I could feel loved more by him 😔. I wish I could feel worth the effort. I wish I felt special enough for him to want to take me out once in a while. Just found this channel by accident a few weeks back. I am currently doing the housework while binge watching videos 🤗 Hello from Dublin Ireland 🙃 love your show john.

[@katiarosexo]

there's a man out there that will happily and willingly take you out 💖

[@AmorYMigas]

Dr. John did such a great job of walking her through all the thoughts that are more coming out of anxiety than what’s truly going on. He’s giving her a different perspective, a sense of humor, and a path to walk through and past the constant rumination. One of the best talks I’ve ever seen……. I wish I’d known about Dr. John years ago.❤❤❤

[@EinDahl]

First caller seems to be suffering from an inability to communicate, and maybe from even knowing what exactly she wants or needs to communicate in the first place. No one is a mind reader, man or woman. This idea people have of "he/she should just KNOW what I want, they should KNOW me well enough to just KNOW" is a fantasy if it's the expectation for every single day. Some things he'll know, sure, but to know everything? Unrealistic expectations. That's so unhealthy. She needs words, and she needs to understand herself well enough to know which words to use. Dr John saying that he's in a movie and doesn't have the lines is a spot on observance.

[@hollytalbott7291]

We were in marriage counseling with our pastor when my husband started getting physical and the pastor just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I’m getting two different stories from you two. Then a few weeks later my husband was standing over me holding an ottoman over his head. My husband then admitted it, but said he wasn’t trying to intimidate me and the worst thing he had done was slap me. I looked at the pastor and he just shrugged his shoulders, so I got up without a word and walked out! PS: My pastor was a former drug and alcohol counselor and had his PhD in Marriage and Family Counseling

[@brandieschmitt8974]

How is an adult woman CONFUSED about rape? Talk about the ultimate form of being gaslighted this poor woman. She needs to get away

[@tinam761]

Sometimes even your own brain 🧠 tries to protect itself by calling it something else … because to acknowledge to yourself what happened feels like too much. And yeah, she needs to get away from that church. Safety needs to be #1

[@andreanease4215]

In my faith, we exchange bodily rights during marriage. The wife’s body is no longer hers but theirs, and the husbands body is no longer his but theirs. They should each have each others best interest at heart. But of course, that doesn’t always happen. The fact she doesn’t want to be with her husband in the first place points to the fact there is already a major problem underlying within their marriage. It makes it easy to see he’s abusive in many ways and the rape is a symptom of the overall abuse. In the case of abuse of course separate and protect yourself. But I can see where to some people this area is blurry because they are overlooking an extenuating circumstance (abuse) and trying to place normal conditions of marriage on those. Even though I understand this exchange of bodily rights, it’s clear to see under abuse exceptions must be made. So I agree she shouldn’t subject herself to abuse within the marriage and both truths can exist at the same time.

[@benmyers9030]

If she was asked a few more questions, the story might fall apart. There was no probing the story of a woman who thinks tvs get broken because adhd causes lack of bodily control. Maybe her husband just has adhd too

[@andreanease4215]

@@benmyers9030 People with ADHD in stressful situations often operate out of their limbic brain rather than their cortex/reasoning center. This can be trauma based, which would make even more sense with an abusive father. When you’ve been around abuse, your body is triggered by stress and you’re not reasoning properly. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work at it, but it makes perfect sense.

[@meganbaril7847]

It made me sad that the third caller couldn't see how her history was potentially impacting her daughter and blamed it all on her husband. She didn't seem super interested in doing any work. I sure hope she gets over the hump and finds value in professional help because it is so desperately needed in that situation.

[@marissathomas9327]

She is literally stressing me out . What tf is he supposed to fucken do 😭 ONE WORD: THERAPPPPYYYYY !!! If I was her husband I would literally be stressed . Like please seek therapy . That’s too much for one partner to have to deal with .

[@devadii24]

I’m sorry but a lot of men I know would’ve left by now 😂 She sounds annoying and needs help

[@beverlyvarnerbv]

Yes when they mentioned medication for her anxiety I thought yes she needs a lot of anxiety meds!

[@murraybeachtel8585]

The church is declining because of situations like what the second caller is in. You'd find more love and empathy from just about any other social gathering.

[@ForrestMystic]

Victims leave and abusers thrive in those groups.

[@devadii24]

💯

[@SorallaRebelde]

I feel like caller number 2 was just saying "yeah.. yeah " at the end to just end the call already. I don't think that John fully got through to her. Being in a church like that, it's very hard to break through the brain washing they do on their followers. I've seen it first hand; my boyfriend's family are Jehovah Witnesses, and trying to reason with them is nearly impossible.

[@DLM1063]

Good morning beautiful people!! ✌🏼❤️‍🩹🇺🇲

[@redflag4255]

Man what I would give as a man to be loved by a woman like that first woman caller loves her husband. Yeah she has expectations and should choose to be more verbal and assertive but she does love him. Can't deny that. Takes two to tango to make things work. If she reads this I hope she keeps her dreams and aims high for both her and her husband.

[@redflag4255]

Manage those expectations. Sometimes you have to let the world spin for abit.

[@ma_ncube]

Sending love to McKenzie ❤ I hope she finds a great church and the strength and grit to find her feet without this man in her life

[@JBTurkey]

Dang, Doc is good!

[@dodgyyoutuber9560]

The way he says “nooooo!” Is hilarious

[@Bird1964]

Your vids are fantastic. I stumbled across you and decided to give you a listen. Glad I did! I'm a new sub now binge watching you. Thanks for your great advice and show 😊

[@beverlyvarnerbv]

Me too!

[@theonemrham]

This is always dope to hear... We all have issues and need help and need to be reminded that we're beautiful 😎💯💪🏾💪🏻

[@SierraLovesEvery1]

Thank you so much for this video. You’re a friggen genius. That whole playing catch/major league baseball analogy was on point!

[@andreanease4215]

Marie, trust me- I used to say the same things you did. I thought I was ok. You still have way more healing to do.

[@narelle-creative-arts]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️ love to Marie- your husband and daughter ❤❤❤

[@Luna14Smith]

Third caller needs to put a couple of drops of vodka in her bottle 😂

[@denisesalles7248]

It sounds like this young woman is in no way interested in changing or addressing her issues. This chick is a serial whiner and incredibly immature.

[@bonnie1097]

Couples with young children need a supportive, loving friends and extended family. Actually, we all do. Hence, our mental health crisis.

[@benmyers9030]

Child is breaking tvs "because of adhd". Mom breaking plates when shes upset. Everything is dads fault though. This family is a real piece of work.

[@merricat3025]

Whole family has problems

[@rachel4339]

Yesss, exactly my thought. ADHD is *not* an excuse.

[@rachel4339]

@@clearsky4003 I never said it was important lol but regardless. Experience what exactly?

[@DoritoHunter]

She's the reason men learned the phrase "nothing I do is ever good enough". I hope she figures out how to heal.

[@ambernelli7791]

Sierra, don't know if you will see this, but please table the next baby discussion until you settle this PPA. You seem so unsettled and bringing another baby into your family will not help. My kids are 4.5 years apart, its fine. I love it that way.

[@Mike-sj9si]

When it comes to taking a relationship to the next level, the love languages thing (or whatever you want to call it) only scratches the surface, and the "people can't read minds" thing, while it's CERTAINLY true and helpful in certain situations, is overused. While it's essential to know what someone likes and how they feel most liked and appreciated (love language), it's too easy to turn a love language into just a task to check off a checklist. It's great for me to remember to buy my girlfriend flowers because she likes flowers and receiving gifts is one of her top love languages, but that's not going to take our relationship to certain higher levels. Here's what I think: 1. To build intimacy and trust and connection and partnership, you have to build intimacy and trust and connection and partnership. You can't just ask someone, "Do you like flowers?" And if they say yes then you buy them flowers. That's an awesome thing to do and you should do that but that's not going to build the bond that a lot of people want in a spouse. To build that bond you need to do things like spending time together, not for the purpose of giving your partner quality time because that's what they like, but for the purpose of being present with your partner. Make eye contact. Laugh together. Have physical intimacy, not just sex but especially physical intimacy outside of sex: hand-holding, cuddling, massages that aren't just meant to lead to sex, even just bumping up against each other non-sexually. Have deep, meaningful conversations. Talk about your feelings. Talk about how your day is REALLY going, how work is REALLY going, tell them things about your life that you don't tell many people. Do something together, especially something physical or something where you're both learning something that you're both not good at: Go on a hike. Play a sports game with friends. Take an origami class. Do you see what I mean? I once played this game with my girlfriend that was like "a card deck full of awkwardly personal questions" or something. The game involved drawing cards and reading an awkwardly personal question off the card and then the other person had to answer. We ended up rolling on the ground with laughter while telling each other stories of times we as adults accidentally pooped our pants in public or something. I know that one is immature but still there was just something about that moment where I was laughing with this beautiful girl about something so embarrassing that we'd both experienced. 2. You SHOULD be able to read your partner's mind (TO AN EXTENT). I definitely think the "people can't read minds" concept is VERY helpful in all human interactions including partnerships. Remembering that this other person has a separate brain and that if they don't know something it might not be because they don't care about you, they're stupid, etc., it might JUST be because you haven't told them. Also remembering that just because you think you know what your partner is thinking, you never know for sure unless you ask. With that said, you should definitely read your partner's mind and they should definitely read yours. Here's an example: One time my girlfriend got a massage on like a girl's trip to this spa or something. When she got home I asked her about the trip and she specifically mentioned she liked the massage. A few weeks later her back was sore from a workout. I remembered what she'd said about that massage and I asked her if she wanted a massage. She said yes. Another time I noticed my girlfriend having trouble opening something with her nails. I knew she'd just got her nails done. I asked her if she wanted me to open the thing for her so she wouldn't ruin her nails. She said yes. The next time she got her nails done I opened something for her without her needed to ask. Another time my girlfriend and I were out with friends. She went a different direction while I ended up in a group of the friends who ended up ducking into an ice cream store and getting ice cream. I saw her favorite ice cream flavor and knew it was an ice cream shop that she really liked, so I got her some knowing I was going to join back up with her soon before it melted. She seemed grateful. I think there are better examples than these but this is just what I thought of off the top of my head. I think a little bit of perception and consideration goes a long way, and when you know someone so well because you've been their partner for awhile and have put effort into getting to know them, you can kind of read their mind sometimes. This is not to negate the "people can't read minds" point. I think it's still a good point. I just think that in a way we kind of can read minds, not always but part of the time. I think using this perception and this consideration is another thing that builds a bond between people. Overall I think the love languages thing is great and the understanding of people can't always read your mind thing is great AND if you're building a really deep connection with someone then you do have to go deeper than that.

[@rachel4339]

You’re making a lot of assumptions though. Unfortunately, not everybody possesses the same level of observational capability that you do, ya know? And then there are other people who read minds *too much* and end up creating more frustration than if they had been less hands on. It’s only people dead center of that spectrum who don’t need the “people can’t read minds” advice, but anybody left or right of that center point *do* need that advice. Which is why it’s so often given 🤷‍♀️

[@Mike-sj9si]

@@rachel4339 I do agree, most people definitely aren't born with that level of capability. I was not born with it and I still work on it. It's something a person has to choose to work on. I agree, a lot of people fall on one side or the other which is why as I said it's good advice, it's just the advice can be used in sort of weird/unhelpful ways I think. For example using it as a statement to bring someone back down to earth by rationally acknowledging we don't in fact have mind-reading superpowers is helpful. Another example, using it as a cop-out to stay selfish and immature is unhelpful unless the person wants to remain harmlessly immature which is fair, they just might lose some relationships which is also fair. There could be many different types of examples I think. Overall it's just one of those statements that I think can be used in some helpful ways and in some ways that might not be as helpful. In the case of the caller in the video it does sound like the husband is trying and the wife has anxiety that's getting in the way of a lot of things. In my case I think before I started working on it I used to use "I can't read minds" as an excuse to simply not try.

[@rachel4339]

@@Mike-sj9si Ahh, I see what you’re saying. That makes sense, there are several little sayings like that which are used as convenient excuses by some. Luckily not by most!

[@beverlyvarnerbv]

@Mike-sj9si I understand exactly what you're saying for example when I was younger me and my best friend could practically finish each other's sentences, so I feel like after being married 30 years you should have at least some idea of how your partner thinks And I have to say I wish a lot more men could figure it out like you have

[@kimberlysanchez5321]

Great friggin show !!!!!!!

[@pascalepierloot]

So strange it’s always the best meaning person calls you, with the exception of people who need a miracle worker. I find it hard to listen to some of these stories because these nice people really struggle with their relationships and it’s none of their fault. However to be told the truth does have a wake up message how you can choose yourself as the number 1 and when number 1 thrives, you get to choose what you’re willing to accept and what not. It shouldn’t be rocket science but it’s hard to let go of someone that isn’t good for you. But if you don’t you are telling the other you don’t matter as much as they do. Ponder on this, and ultimately put yourself first...Always.

[@julieatlife1924]

For sierra , what about mental load. Where we need to keep telling the same person to do this and that. Having to tell him again and again not to do this like each time I don’t like tacos. Some guys pick it up and make an effort but some has to be reminded and that’s tiring too.

[@Shortcake5]

Sierra needs to see a homeopath or research on her own. So many good options to help Her without getting on meds

[@sheenacorbus4713]

Night terrors can also be a magnesium deficiency

[@elizabossie5407]

2nd caller sounds like your in IFB type church… run hard

[@Luna14Smith]

Postpartum... 2 years later...

[@Cali12-21]

Listening to the show for 6 months and can someone please list the benefits of marriage if I can’t have children? Single seems easier and less stressful than when I have been in long term relationships? 😂

[@rebekahwilson7703]

Do you know what goes a loonnggg way in lessening anxiety? An AntiInflammatory diet:I’m proof of this.

[@allil87]

Thank you

[@Valleygirl66]

Never been married,...... don't see a reason for it really,...think about it :0)

[@jasminsmith909]

"Tell me im wrong"...."i dont feel like that"..."well its true" Please people.. as a therapist, any mental health professionals advice is still biased. Be mindful of what you take as truth.

[@rachel4339]

Is this your first time watching Dr John’s show?

[@BubbaSnipe03]

Why would the Second Lady let her church know her personal life?

[@ef366]

Because people want to trust their church circle. They feel it's a safe place. Unfortunately, a lot of churches are often archaic and want to keep their images, so they'll make women especially feel guilty for being abused by their POS husbands.

[@snopure]

A church is supposed to be a community close enough to be called family. Of course when personal issues arise, you'd like to think you can take it to your community for support. It sounds like she tried to follow the scripture about how if someone else in the church has wronged you and doesn't respond to what you have to say about it, you take another member of the church with you. Except when she tried to, they apparently sided with the husband...

[@louiseerbslisbjerg7854]

Have you seen how churches work? They cobsume comlunities and convince their members that they practically own them, and even illegal actions should be handled within the church. SO many churches hold extreme social control over their members, not just cults.

[@BubbaSnipe03]

@@snopure hell Maw church is church been there done that and I’m 21

[@coriemmett1363]

Cool! I’m from Oklahoma! Thats cool his wife is in my home state for a trip.

[@ech0ech071]

Jesus she is high maintenance... Poor guy

[@jarrodgilbert9909]

35:19 Until Tarzan learns how to repent and be a gentleman, he needs to stay in the jungle. Or behind bars.

[@KatrinaLeFrancois]

Lack of compatibility

[@viajar777]

She is an over thinker, having anxiety, blaming her husband for not reading her mind (which is when someone has mental problems not an easy thing) and that part with photos😅? Who cares about that? Instead of being happy he is not a superficial guy who wants to make photos every second🙈. He seems like a really normal, down to earth guy. I am sorry but if l would be him l would run 🙈

[@apriltownsend8463]

McKenzie, you need new friends. Period.

[@marissa7459]

She’s a nag kinda sounds neurotic and is pushing her husband away. He may eventually cheat. It’s clear in her mind HE does everything wrong and because he’s not psychic to what his wife needs he’s constantly in the wrong. How sick. She needs HELP! Immediate therapy to fix herself.

[@shoshanaeri8035]

I think a lot of women feel surprised that their husband cannot intuit their needs and wants like a fellow female would

[@Rae2492]

Caller sounds too young to be a mother.

[@santacruz7455]

Oh dear, she is much too immature to be married, grow up girl. Marriage is not a Disney movie...

[@josephskorich7029]

Wtf he's good

[@jordanbrown1309]

Can we stop using the term "love language"? It's time.

[@seanaames6855]

What term would you like to use for what makes you feel loved? We all have different things that make us feel loved.

[@doug6191]

Do you have an alternative? Is something fundamentally wrong with the "Five Love Language" concept?

[@ifinditinteresting.8709]

No. It definitely some usage.

[@penelope5500]

Okay. And let's quit using the term "soulmates" while we're at it. Ugh.

[@seanaames6855]

The term Love Languages comes from a book named The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, who is a marriage counselor. There was no money spent on his "study of the subject" unless you want to include the money spent by couples who paid him to counsel them about their marriage problems. I'm sorry it makes you anxious to see people talking about Love Languages. It really is a good thing to be aware of your partner's Love Language. When you "speak" a different Love Language than your partner, it's harder to feel close to them and easier to drift apart. I had a different reply typed and decided to be compassionate instead of snarky and sarcastic. @SarahConnor562

[@maloyniki]

Hi

[@jennyjunemoon-walker8739]

Mckenzie, I'm in Ferndale. Can I help?

[@kathigratton2286]

The lady with ppa Look at your diet as well!! Your body changes so much with child birth

[@rosmawatiramli]

Tell him straights what bothers u. That marriage of he cannot protect u EVEN ur emotions n love ur likes n dislikes then he cannot lead. Love is not h7s sex that us what women wives need to know.

[@denisesalles7248]

Isn't Hallow Mark Wahlberg's thing? WHY PAY FOR RELIGION AND PRAYER - that's just ridiculous and greedy.

[@benmyers9030]

Because they paid for the ad read. Dr da-money stays getting paid. Have you heard about his books? Do you need a mattress?

[@theonetrueking2685]

McKenzie your church is one thousand percent WRONG. You're going to get hurt and so is your son.

[@daneesledge1626]

6:42 so I’m guessing you’re not actually licensed because you’re diagnosing strangers, which is very unethical. You have a snapshot of her life and if she is struggling with ruminating, then data shows telling her to just “choose” to be happy can do even more damage. To quote brene brown feels sleezy because she is licensed and in her books and talks never diagnoses someone but give principles and encourages people to seek the help of licensed and trained therapists. I’m guessing this comment with get deleted because it is associated with Dave Ramsey and he loves a carefully curated social media. This right here is dangerous

[@SassyL62]

oh my god she is soooo whiny

[@reginaboone8117]

Men are not mind readers

[@izzywox8246]

@@SarahConnor562what do you mean by this?

[@blueseptember2174]

No one is.

[@ethanmiller5487]

When in a young womens life, is she told her life will go her way? Where did that idea come from? Who said when your married things are easy? Her expectations are killing her. Jesus can help. Just ask Him, but remove those expectations of what that help looks like first.

[@aaronwindham6065]

Look I've had ADHD my whole life I've been diagnosed for most of it, I've never gotten so angry I destroyed a TV, I can see where the kid gets it from though.

[@user-lm9wq3mv2e]

can i call from canada

[@YouMissedBro]

So if a man punches a hole through a wall hes an immature child (John has said many times in reference to angry men) But if caller 2 breaks wedding plates because she is mad John chuckles. Another example of you being bias toward the women, John. And dont delete this comment Kelly! Its called criticism

[@flashthecorgi2053]

There is a HUGE difference here in between a husband punching a hole in the wall with his children and wife in the home and a wife breaking a couple wedding plates because her stupid abusive husband keeps pushing court dates back. As long as she doesn’t do that frequently when angry and doesn’t break things when her kid is around I’m fine with it. It’s righteous anger here! Dr. John isn’t being biased there is a BIG difference in situations that you’re failing to see!

[@benmyers9030]

​@@flashthecorgi2053 lol. I wonder why junior smashes tvs when he gets annoyed. Mom says he cant help himself. Neither can she. Maybe pops has adhd also

[@YouMissedBro]

​@flashthecorgi2053 not specifically husband with caller 2. But John has talked to numerous men in the past who admit to "Walking away and breaking something" or "punching a hole in the wall" and he calls them childish. He says a man should control their emotions and never physically act out regardless if they do it in private or not.

[@InsertAUserNameHere]

He is definitely harder on men, His gynocentric upbringing and background biases his advice. I have watched many of his videos and can see the pattern.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Hardly. He holds men accountable for their actions. He holds women accountable for their actions. Men just seem to lean towards violence and anger, while women lean more towards anxiety. Odd that so many men are confused by this.

[@InsertAUserNameHere]

@@sarahalderman3126 What is odd is that you believe what you wrote.

[@nicolestanford4955]

You’re not postpartum anymore after 2 years.

[@murraybeachtel8585]

National Institutes of Health: "About 5% of women reported persistently high levels of postpartum symptoms for three years after giving birth. "Longer screening periods after birth may be needed to help more women with postpartum get treatment."

[@ef366]

That's complete BS. Don't talk about something you don't back up without actual facts. Just because YOU didn't experience it doesn't mean it isn't real for other women. And yes, PPD/PPA can absolutely persist for up to 3 years after having a child.

[@sarahalderman3126]

“postpartum” lasts for the remainder of your life… ppd often resolves within a few years however that is not always the case. Regardless once you are postpartum, you remain postpartum for the duration of your life.

[@nathanjohnson7237]

I think there's a lot of context missing in the call with the second caller in regards to the husband "r@ping" her. Is her thing that gets them both going her playing hard to get? In that moment, did she firmly say no or is she just keep pushing his hand away. In the call she never actually said that she said "no." Just that she was pushing his hands away and turning away his advances. Maybe he 100% did force her into having sex, but right now John and much of the audience is just making assumptions and making their own context to that situation.

[@louiseerbslisbjerg7854]

And this is why so many victims do not report r@pe, within or outside of a relationships. Did you not hear her voice, did you not hear her say she struggled for an hour to get off ger? That should be enough. If he's her husband if that many years, he should know better. Even if BDSM was part of their intimate life, she's still allowed to say no and struggling for an hour is not a game.

[@sheramelton3583]

It doesn't matter. If she was pushing his hand away, saying she didn't want to do it... that means no. He doesn't get to continue in "hopes of getting her in the mood." He doesn't get to force her into sexual activity in any way shape or form.

[@sheramelton3583]

@@SarahConnor562 No! There is no slack for anyone. If someone is telling you, either verbally or by resisting your advances, that they do not want to have sex with you, that is the end of it. I don't care who you are. You have no "right" to another person's body.

[@ravenkushner]

This reponse is truly horrifying. It's not complicated. If someone has said no, then it's no.

[@sheramelton3583]

@@SarahConnor562 I would never, ever be with a man who respected me that little. But if I said no and he sexually assaulted or r*aped me, I would 1000% press charges. Men don't get to just do whatever they want regardless of your wishes.

[@catastrofakilluminati4884]

Woooow, I love dr John Delaney but damn, he really named his kids Hank and Josephine 😮😂 that tufffff

[@luckymrsmurray5219]

Meal planning is a game changer!

[@ayla4686]

Of course opposites attract and it's Juicy and magnetic 🧲 Until it peters out 🥺

[@izzywox8246]

@@dabd8175boohoo dab