What Is The Biggest Rock? - Onion Talks - Ep. 4

With so many rocks, which one is the biggest? Professor of Mathematics Arima Nayar explains the science behind big rock discovery, and where the hunt could take us next.
ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
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Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers
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[@thatbuckmulligan]

“This isn’t science fiction” is the most Ted Talk line imaginable

[@ch-17vevo55]

Buck Mulligan I read this comment right when she said that... what are the ofds

[@backflipsaresweet]

I've been reading this for a few minutes now, and just as I began typing this word right >here< she said that line. That's insane, right??

[@ch-17vevo55]

backflipsaresweet uh yeah, that’s insane. Everything in the universe is connected it’s crazy. Hey tomorrow you’re gonna see a bunch of stuff that has to do with Television or TV. Seriously, now that you’ve read that it’s gonna low key haunt you tomorrow. Don’t forget, T.V. - trust me on this one. It might freak you out a little bit

[@skeetrix5577]

@@ch-17vevo55 true reality fuck chance of that

[@ch-17vevo55]

Skeetrix Keto

[@BB-ks6bk]

The low laugh the audience gives after her big numbers joke is so TED

[@chrisbirch4150]

Haha yeah, the ' I am gonna make a slight noise to show that I know you were making a joke, but not fully commit because it wasn't worthy of a genuine laugh' laugh

[@TheDeathOrange]

Samuel Jackson Adams brilliant comedy

[@BlueEyes-WhiteDrag0n]

@@chrisbirch4150 lol

[@johnpaulleslie1067]

I love how the same audience reaction clips are used over and over again throughout all videos in this series! Anyone else notice? Lol

[@nice3333333333]

Hello muh brutha

[@miatafan]

I love that the second picture has a bigger rock In the background 😂

[@paulunga]

She's too focused on the foreground one. XD

[@JohnSmith-ox3gy]

Looking for the mountains and missing the mountains.

[@samahita-vca]

@@paulunga lol just realized that

[@funkyironman69]

@@paulunga oh yeh nah its not ayers rock cnt

[@haydendasilva487]

@Chad Manning you beat me to it, sadly some people don't understand the difference between big rocks and small boulders.

[@TR49200]

This actress is so brilliantly TED. She has the tone down, the rhythm, the inflection, all of it!!!

[@AndreasDelleske]

She rocks!

[@campbellkramer3294]

I know this sounds like im exaggerating but its one of the best satire performances ive ever seen lol like my subconscious thinks it’s a real TED. It blows me away. Give her an emmy!!

[@samanthawright527]

and the walk across the stage.

[@stephaniecarrow4898]

​@@samanthawright527 Yes!

[@ProblemEngland]

"I hadn't even been thinking about big rocks. I was thinking about big numbers." That's one of my favorite lines in Onion Talks.

[@Mike34b]

*Laughter*

[@FKAAYA]

I thought it was a nice touch too

[@dandellar200]

"we need to start using our brain the same way we use our gun" it's just perfect.

[@bart869]

I mean one can always start hitting oneself in the ribs trying to break not so much the ribs (I mean yeah also the ribs) but mostly the subconscious mental pain-avoidance trigger that prevents you from hitting really hard no matter how much you despise yourself. And then after you manage, you can try to buy a gun, or just at least make a DIY teaser and buy a bunch of knives and go psycho on a busy metro station trying to kill as many people as possible before killing yourself either indirectly by charging the security after they get there and pull their guns on you, or directly if you see that they take out teasers and will try to take you alive.

[@viljamtheninja]

This talk inspires me to do nothing with my life because the most important thing ever has already been done and everything else is meaningless.

[@isawadelapradera6490]

the only thing you got wrong, is that *nothing, ever* is really important on a universal scale. Otherwise, spot on.

[@r.i.petika829]

Isawa De La Pradera *There’s always that one gay*

[@IAM_Timmy1t]

You're all so very wrong.

[@NiePieerdol]

@@IAM_Timmy1t What hasn't been done already then?

[@skylarwalls3227]

@@NiePieerdol I haven't done meth yet, and that's pretty important

[@spaghettioverlord3247]

“The only rock that is bigger than the rock your telling someone about, is the rock someone is telling you about.” I feel like this is really deep but she’s just talking about rocks.

[@swagcandy2576]

Are you implying there's no depth to rocks? You shouldn't take rocks for granted like that. Kinda messed up, brother

[@pablomagno4679]

The neighbour's rock is always rockier

[@ianfitchett2768]

@@swagcandy2576 don't take rocks for granite

[@swagcandy2576]

@@ianfitchett2768 lmao that's a good one

[@leffa1]

also apply to fish

[@thisguy9733]

Geologists hate her! Watch this teach you something that big geology won't ever show you

[@briandiehl9257]

You mean small geology

[@lolasdm6959]

big numbers>small numbers Remember, there always a bigger rock.

[@superdiza]

such a brave woman...she touched my heart and inspirred me... !! who needs content, when one could have a well manicured presentation

[@alvallac2171]

*inspired

[@LN37275]

That sounds dangerous, did you get your heart looked at after?

[@TheNoiseySpectator]

@@LN37275 Oh, I love that! Medical Research into treatment for that could be the topic of another O-Talks!

[@uncannyvalley2350]

Capitalism*

[@Dav-lc8sc]

I love this comment 😂

[@boydegg]

If I'm honest, most TED talks make as much sense to me as these Onion talks. The line between the two is very blurred.

[@Mutantcy1992]

TEDx at least

[@EarthScienceEnjoyer]

there's one really good ted talk named how to do a ted talk

[@hoosierflatty6435]

@@Mutantcy1992 The "A Future Where All Robots Have Penises" talk is a bit less blurred.

[@explosu]

Good job?

[@forestbr34th54]

For someone named Brian you're really stupid

[@miguelthealpaca8971]

I love how she mixes the different storytelling and communication styles from different TED talks.

[@OMGitshimitis]

I miss old onion talks, they've gotten so much more corporate recently. I want to go back to talks like this, smart people talking about smart things.

[@PaulGoux]

I will show you where we will find the biggest rocks on EARTH.... SPACE!!

[@Sandul666]

Funniest line in the video so good!

[@kadabrium]

dinosaurs: am i a joke to you

[@hgfuhgvg]

Though she did say she will bring it to earth, then it will be the biggest rock on EARTH

[@hexagonist23]

Earth is a rock...

[@alexandersakhnenko3150]

The only place not corrupted by capitalism!

[@WalidFeghali]

"I thought it would be bigger. The man was an idiot." ahah

[@Remdogg]

😂

[@TR49200]

HAhah so good!

[@Kehwanna]

The last time we had a really big rock come from space it caused for a mass extinction. Someone has to stop her.

[@TheNoiseySpectator]

That was not the last time. , There have been plenty since then. But, here is a question to send her back to reaching math to all the good little girls and boys;

[@js2010ish]

If you stop her she will just bring a bigger rock later. The threat is explicit at the end of her talk. Clearly a madwoman we cannot stop.

[@MorganPhillipsPage]

2:41 "I am going to show you where we can find the biggest rocks on earth... (in) space!"

[@davidm5707]

"Soon, I will be bringing the Moon to the Earth, it's the biggest rock anywhere. What can go wrong?"

[@GrammeStudio]

"even if you found the biggest rock on earth, i will still find a bigger rock...from space. so i will still be the person to find the biggest rock....on earth"

[@heyborttheeditor1608]

"Fantasizing about being the woman who knows where the big rocks are" 😂 😂

[@jonathansauceda589]

Hmm

[@tubwaiyan6776]

Sus.

[@KaneMilohai]

Occasionally theoretical mathematicians lose touch with reality. I'm glad to see that Professor Nayar is so down to Earth... just like the big rocks she will be hitting the Earth with.

[@Nevxcd]

This really takes the phrase "If an object is big enough it becomes a location" into a whole new level

[@samuelsunnyd7187]

Everybody is asking “What is the biggest rock?”, but nobody is asking “How is the biggest rock?” 😢

[@justshidded2749]

Rock on bro

[@gabrielpizzete]

When is the biggest rock?

[@alexc8461]

Maybe the biggest rock is the friends we made along the way

[@Daniwasinvented]

Or... Why is the biggest rock?

[@SuperBartman2000]

Who's the biggest rock?

[@sallymoen6371]

I love these parodies of the TedX talks: they are almost TOO easy to poke fun at. Thanks Onion!

[@claymcdermott718]

TED sucks so so so much. Thank God for the Onion.

[@georgebennett3197]

I know its been said but this is a perfect take on TED. The phasing, the stage set, the hand movements and the vacuous content of the talk. All wrapped up in self importance.

[@Duck420Ag]

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I own the biggest rock. And no, you can't see it. I keep it hidden in the biggest hole on Earth. ( which I also own)

[@lilyk3734]

i dont think ur supposed to put rocks in ur holes, even if they are the biggest on earth

[@weswheel4834]

@@lilyk3734 If you do put the rock in a hole, the rock merges with the hole and ceases to exist. Saint Duck owns an ex-rock.

[@badhombre4942]

Don't put rocks in your hole, because then they become asteroids.

[@maris_molotov]

uwu

[@MLB9000]

That’s nothing, I have the world’s largest collection of pebbles and shells. I keep it on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it?

[@duesalbladesinger7900]

"Don't you dare one-up me or I will hit the earth with an asteroid."

[@basedbattledroid3507]

I love that canned Ted laughter

[@roborexasaurus1]

The best part is the fake indian accent. I'm sure AF that this person is an Indian American woman faking an indian accent.

[@xmnemonic]

Minita Gandhi. Gorgeous.

[@Tadesan]

holy freakin god. she is beautiful!

[@ajoajoajoaj]

Isn't exactly faking the accent when you grow up around family members with it.

[@darkraiking555]

I think she gave it away when she pronounced Mexico like a spanish speaker would.

[@d4n4nable]

@@darkraiking555 No she didn't. That's how some pompous academic doing a TED talk would say it to signal cultural openness.

[@ulogy]

Probably the best example of Loren ipsum audio online at present, haha. Just gibberish that sounds real.

[@papilloneffect4015]

You haven't seen post modernist philosophy videos then. Someone even programmed a post modernist generator and it functions basically like a Lorem Ipsum.

[@DrRiq]

This isn't gibberish at all, though. It's comedy.

[@awesomelyshorticles]

@@papilloneffect4015 You can do that with anything. A friend showed me a math theory paper generator. Someone created a donald trump quote generator. An AI generated a Eurovision song that was more popular than any other entry. Probably somewhere out there is an economic theory paper generator. Someone could easily make an InfoWars sound bite generator. Someone is reconstructing a dead mesopotamian language based on computer analysis of symbol patterns on clay tablets. Making something that sounds like a post modernist theory doesnt reflect at all on the ideas or presenters, it just means you can string together words based on known patterns of other words.

[@fecklessmovies]

@@awesomelyshorticles true, but post-modernist theory has been proven to be bunkum more than once by people publishing papers which are peer reviewed to great acclaim and then turn out to be satire.

[@uncannyvalley2350]

right wing alternative media*

[@richp3580]

Most underrated line: "I have a joke that I like to tell, which is the only rock that is bigger than the rock you're telling someone about is the rock someone is telling you about"

[@blackmber]

And it’s companion saying, “the only joke funnier than the one someone is telling you is the joke you’re about to tell them.”

[@PhilMoskowitz]

It's another way of saying, "The only person who had a worse bout of the flu than you, is after you tell them then they describe how much worse they had the flu three weeks ago"

[@js2010ish]

Applause

[@catfishmudflap]

This one is a classic.

[@DonQuichotteLiberia]

She's a rock star!

[@helloiamsuperrandom]

DonQuichotteLiberia OH MAN WHAT A KNEE SLAPPER

[@Blinker_Fluid_Supply]

😂

[@godhateseveryonewhodoesntr5977]

No, she is trying to find one in space

[@CH-wp5hp]

Cue audience laughter.

[@kantikun134970]

I got diabetes this was so punny.

[@Beck-Stein]

This talk really rocks. It rocked me to my core.

[@eddiew2325]

Rock n roll babt

[@MrGamerdrengen]

Actual answer: 25.6 centimeters in diameter; after that, it's a boulder.

[@googleisillukinati8071]

Shut the fuck up

[@cinder_]

@@googleisillukinati8071 it's true tho lmao

[@googleisillukinati8071]

@@cinder_ no body wants your sauce. Go away

[@cinder_]

@@googleisillukinati8071 nobody

[@googleisillukinati8071]

@@cinder_ no body*

[@SerbAtheist]

Please a version where 'r' in rock is censored and all the images are pixelated. Pretty please?

[@dani.phantm]

why has nobody done this yet?

[@krusher181]

You lazy fucks!

[@mynameis6575]

lol i was thinking about that

[@oteila6151]

@@lukenel29 200 iq

[@lukenel29]

@@oteila6151 yeah... in retrospect Its fairly obvious

[@spitfiremac]

This might very well be the most genius satire The Onion has ever accomplished.

[@legoluvver]

“I found this rock in Australia” and pictured behind her in the distance is the worlds biggest rock.

[@jondoig]

Nope that's not Uluru

[@spurcalluth6300]

I think you mean Ayer's pebble

[@kentlab3850]

This could actually be a vsauce title. "This is the biggest rock!" "Or iS iT?"

[@gunsunnuva8346]

Cue: kzbin.info/www/bejne/in-VZpqeoMuah6M

[@lolasdm6959]

mysterious music*

[@nate556]

I turn big rocks into smaller rocks. Doesn't matter how big the biggest rock on earth in space is... I'll reduce it to usable form. Then her biggest big rock won't be the biggest anymore.

[@SM-ev6if]

This guy crushes.

[@davidm5707]

So, when is your sentence up? Time off for good behavior?

[@ObscuredByTime]

Nah, I went there. She has it sitting in the middle of a giant warehouse with about a dozen armed guards. It's going to take a nuke.

[@thecatalyst6212]

the anti rock

[@tubwaiyan6776]

Based god

[@JDH213]

Update: as of April 2017 her team had discovered 3 rocks larger than the largest rock in the world. Just amazing.

[@bingusbongus9807]

update as of january 2034, i have a really big rock in my shoe ouch owie it hurts can we stop walking guys there is a rock in my shoe

[@cosmologicalturtle9528]

I always love how you can see a bunch of even bigger rocks in the backgrounds of the rock pictures.

[@watsonwrote]

This is such a perfect parody of a TED Talk. Kudos to the writers

[@TimBillyRichie]

I continue to marvel at the number of truly talented actors The Onion manages to find.

[@mrkingjesse378]

That brief, muffled laughter at 1:09 is so spot-on. Idek how you can exaggerate that, but they did.

[@SwanXI]

"Where will find the biggest rock on earth?" "In Space!"

[@baghead777]

Why is The Onion posting real Ted Talks? I'm confused....

[@zapkvr]

So situation normal

[@Fuliginosus]

"I hadn't even been thinking about big rocks; I was thinking about big numbers." [Audience laughs.}

[@chrisf1600]

This woman is an inspiration. Until tonight, my life's ambition was to find the biggest rock in my back yard, but I realise now what a waste it has been. She has opened my eyes to what you can achieve if you open your mind and dare to dream.

[@Filip_Wessman]

The actor can do this with a straight face. SHE is a rock.

[@JazzFlop212]

You know they can do multiple takes right?

[@Jess-jt4zf]

No, she is a woman, don't be silly.

[@aurorarose2195]

Why did this legitimately inspire me?

[@Gayd1]

1:34 the line that every one who watched porkin across America is very familiar with

[@zperk13]

Yep!

[@pauloleodrakon]

It's such a shame that they don't do videos like this. They are so actual.

[@micahnewman]

"Almost no one could pick it up!"

[@DjBaapreB]

Finding the smallest rock might be more of a challenge. Or even more: the most medium sized rock.

[@lorenzodicapo6305]

Jealous much?

[@YoungBrave2006]

It's not the size of the rock that matters, it's the motion in the ocean. Also, girth is more important than length.

[@Glace1221]

Is there a joke in this video I am missing?

[@LunaWo]

Feels Man It's about penis.

[@gorgolyt]

Arnas Luna That's really not the joke.

[@YoungBrave2006]

Ryan Denziloe A really big rock is no joke.

[@punkgrl325]

Arnas Luna To a teenager, yes. To others, it's a joke about how geologists dig up and analyze old rocks nobody really cares about.

[@CosmosProvider]

The smugness in her act is so on point..! Now i'm really certain that it's no use to try and find big rocks, i'm calling my guy down in Colombia to tell him we're done here

[@erin79]

All the pauses and the cadence in her speaking, and the carefully placed one liners. This is so insanely accurate to Ted Talks it's unbelievable.

[@-.TS.-]

Why doesn’t Onion videos have millions of views? Just baffled that this level of content is going unnoticed!

[@rebecasandstrom6526]

This is absolutely hilarious. The fact she can do this without even cracking a smile is baffling to me.

[@cmyanmar13]

I find her passion for big rocks genuinely inspiring.

[@henryatkinson1479]

The subtle genius of these skits has so many levels.

[@mercster]

"The man was an idiot."

[@agresivemartinformerlyagre1850]

😔

[@thepoliticslover]

I suddenly have the urge to find big rocks now.

[@allensacharov5424]

That or else go to prison and make little rocks out of big ones

[@adammarch2924]

I love how in the Australia picture, she's taking the picture in front of Ayer's Rock

[@13106580]

Ayers rock isn't even the largest rock in Australia. Mount Augustus is

[@MaximQuantum]

I’ve been trying to find this informational video for so long after each episode of the Porking across America series

[@goldzior1128]

"This one was so big, almost no one could pick it up" This scares me

[@TS-jm7jm]

okay late reply, but i really want to know why it scares you?

[@tubwaiyan6776]

@@TS-jm7jm he was a child

[@dinoflame9696]

hahaha i love how they use the same audience in every clip :D love the onion

[@naut_nigel]

I actually thought what she was saying had some deep meaning to it. Starting from just a small rock she thought it was the biggest in the world. But then she discovered bigger and bigger rocks. This was so surprising because her mind could not comprehend a rock bigger than the last one she had already discovered. This relates to humanity's comprehension of technological advancements and understanding of the universe. How far can humanity go and how much about the universe do we actually know?

[@doroteareutersward2567]

This woman has really found her right place in life. Heartwarming!

[@6663000]

Looks like I already gave this video a thumbs up. I bet I watched it 11 years ago when it was posted. I remember when I used to wait for new uploads from The Onion each week.

[@sudocatsda1guy390]

I found a big rock once. Let me tell you folks, it was large. Very big indeed. Only thing to drwarf it's noteworthy volume was it's substantial mass. It was indeed a big rock I've since lost it.

[@alvallac2171]

*dwarf *its noteworthy volume (possessive) *its substantial mass (also possessive) it's = contraction of "it is/has"

[@seansiegler]

Damn. I thought she was gonna tell us where that rock was.

[@jotacostajr]

Don't even think about it, it's her rock, she found it first.Go find your own rock.

[@user-zd3ns6wx7y]

The onion is just the best. It speaks right to my style of humor.

[@themiddlepath8939]

A well deserved standing ovation! Bravo lady. Bravo.

[@rawdonwaller]

The Onion keeps me sane.

[@johnkennedy4023]

See a TED talk about a subject you know well. It's hilarious

[@TheLast-One]

Wow, her speech was solid like a rock. What a rockstar!

[@chrisserrific]

"There is no need for you to keep looking for big rocks, since I have already found the biggest on Earth, and even if you find that one, I will bring a bigger one from space, so I will still always be the person who has found the biggest rock on Earth." Lmao!

[@11kc67]

0:38 there is like three bigger rocks right behind it

[@77936fief]

"the biggest rock on earth...SPACE", that was kak funny

[@MrLeighman]

Wow, these talks are so profound. I can not get enough of them.

[@nathanmalik1697]

"The only rock that is bigger than the rock you're telling someone about is the rock someone else is telling you about." OMG. THIS IS SO PROFOUND! 😄

[@papilloneffect4015]

This is pretty spot on. People always tell their life story. They do that weird fist with a pointing thumb gesture. People laugh at unfunny things. I also gained about as much knowledge from this as a lot of pretentious TED talks.

[@notnotcharles3022]

0:54 lol for a second I thought she was standing in front of Uluru (the actual largest rock)

[@regozs]

Genius, absolutely breathtaking.

[@rjreddenbaker4351]

Where is the Onion now? This stuff is too good not to share. Laughed all the way through.

[@LesMiserables999]

This version has been edited for pg audiences. In the original R rated version she demonstrates what she does to the rocks once she finds them..

[@christobanistan8887]

I wondered why they were clapping so hard.

[@kennwhite5350]

Where can I find the original?

[@frankydostal4758]

@@kennwhite5350 Pornhub likely

[@constantinosschinas4503]

the original version is with c not r.

[@josephd183]

Genius. If there's a bigger rock in space, we bring it to earth, so that it can be the biggest rock on earth!! I never thought about it that way. Why hasn't this woman earned more mainstream attention?

[@innertuber4049]

You know what, you're right. Some TED Talks really are like this. They talk about their accomplishments, then leave. Much as I love him, James Vietch is a good example of this, as well as many others.

[@griffinmcgonagle3272]

Her excitement about big rocks is very relatable to be honest

[@StriderCX]

Anyone else google 'World's Biggest Rock' after watching this?

[@StriderCX]

BTW it's named Ayers Rock and it's in the Northern Territory of central Australia.

[@srikrishna_97]

@@StriderCX you're wrong... It's the whole Earth

[@ThatGuy-nv2wo]

@@srikrishna_97 But earth is made of earth and earth is not rock

[@weswheel4834]

Was the first result a link back to this video? I hope so.

[@zwhirlwhorled7570]

Ayers rock is biggest known rock. There almost certainly is bigger ones that are buried in strata.

[@sawyernorthrop4078]

After hearing this in the outro of Sex House, I had to watch this video. Truly powerful

[@gabrielkaam2]

This video gets me starting in the morning . talk about motivation

[@Professicchio]

I wish I'd see TED Talks as informative as this one more often...

[@samuraigraffix]

she is fuckin gorgeous

[@Cruxis1990]

"I will show you where to find the biggest rocks on Earth..." dramatic pause "...Space!"

[@blackmagician7645]

Wait long enough and the cosmos well provide you the biggest rock... express delivery included.

[@chinajazzcat]

Thanks, this speech really got my rocks off.

[@jtmichaelson]

George Carlin: "Is God so almighty that he himself can make a rock that even he cannot lift?"

[@matviko]

Hahaha I love how petty she is about her status as “biggest rock finder” lol !

[@DuduOhsson]

Perfect casting for this role. 10/10

[@robertjensen9775]

This talk was 20,000 x more interesting than any TED talk ever.