The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You

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Our guest speaker's car broke down and his cell phone is busted. All he needs is $12.45 and he promises to pay you back.
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[@Mdriver1981]

A guy once asked me for money so he could go buy a bottle of booze. I knew his game though. He wanted the money to buy food.

[@micheller6804]

Once I saw a guy with a sign that read: I ain't gonna lie, I want beer.

[@praveenb9048]

Or medicine for his toddler.

[@milascave2]

@@micheller6804 I know. I never give to those guys, because how do I know that they are really going to spend it on beer?

[@DoubleM55]

That's why I don't give them money! I let them tell me what kind of drink they want and I buy it for them and give them...

[@tannershackelford27]

Fucking communists

[@samjeffrees]

The backpack really sells this.

[@marsneedstowels]

Weird, somebody told me the other day that their dad told them "Never trust someone wearing a backpack." And I wear one all the time :/

[@lordXAVIJAANBJERGNOG]

@@marsneedstowels In new york, lots of people wear backpacks and its normal. In LA, wearing a backpack means you dont have a car or are a child = untrustworthy.

[@whateverlolawants]

And the sneakers.

[@thumbsdown7502]

He had me at the receipt from his mechanic. Won't be ready for weeks.

[@TheKitMurkit]

@@lordXAVIJAANBJERGNOG and if you have a car, are you supposed to keep the valuables there on the street to have a window smashed?

[@makeadifference4all]

I saw this guy when he was a nobody giving street performances. It's inspiring to see he's made it to the big time.

[@IKEA_SSB]

what's his name?

[@SStarry_Days]

@@IKEA_SSB I think he’s making a joke

[@IKEA_SSB]

@@SStarry_Days yeah i found that out a bit after i posted this lol

[@nice3333333333]

@@IKEA_SSB What is your name? We should collab on our street performances

[@HangingGarden606]

I laughed

[@KingoftheJuice18]

His last argument, pulling that women's purse out of her hands, is what really made his case.

[@theneedledrop]

I believe him

[@CameronCN]

My god you're everywhere

[@Tinydevil12]

fuck off you chunky shut-in

[@axeavier]

Rusty Shackleford go back under the bridge.

[@GenericFurfag]

Forever

[@anon15169]

Rusty Shackleford how hilarious would it be if an account named dale gribble posted here?

[@ares106]

I would take this deal and just sell the watch. I heard it's estimated to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

[@magottyk]

Then you could afford that nice bridge to home that's being offered in the auditorium next door.

[@weswheel4834]

He trusted you. And this is how you repay him?? People like you make me sick! His dead Grandfather gave him that clock, you know? It's a grandfather watch. People today, cha.

[@Anonymations]

D I S G U S T A N G!

[@kodonnell204]

you heard wrong bro. He said hundreds, not hundreds of millions

[@kennethmcgregor5953]

Give him the money, take the watch, wait for him to repay you, drive off with the watch and xtra money, use the money to fix the watch, the watch is worth even more now, sell the watch.

[@magottyk]

Most Tedx talks are cons, this was a breath of fresh air.

[@gacomics5951]

Yup big difference between Ted and TEDx. You can actually buy yourself a Tedx presentation for like 6-8k and talk about any insane bs which will then give you credibility when conning your victims to buy your books, invest etc since a lot of people can't tell the difference between the two Ted's.

[@meetroushan2727]

@@gacomics5951 You're 5 years too late.

[@meetroushan2727]

@@drasticallyfantastic7164 lol dude was just trying to recreate the 'you're 5 years too early' meme except he's late. Pls don't roast i'm innocent. 🐕

[@scalemaster170]

Meet Roushan switch accounts first.

[@meetroushan2727]

@@scalemaster170 ??

[@FlyingOverTr0ut]

There should be a conference that lets people speak publicly for bus fare. I'd contribute.

[@MrEPIC0CITY]

If you live in the city that happens at every street corner.

[@superhacker35]

Hey angelo Im a fan

[@NoName-de1fn]

Tedx

[@marsneedstowels]

How would they get there?

[@Shastasnow]

He stole a woman’s purse to get home 😂 Don’t be a fool

[@Aaron-kq5kk]

I was lucky enough to see this talk while he was on tour. Very moving.

[@rahimirahim1107]

dang it that “moving” part got me 🤣

[@parepidemosproductions4741]

@@rahimirahim1107 it was the "he was on tour" for me 😂😂😂😂

[@global8198]

It was especially moving for the guy he shook

[@prgl9326]

hilarious!

[@stephaniecarrow4898]

😄😄

[@The1AndOnlyGoldenboy]

We still don't know what the biggest rock is, dammit!

[@jakehanks4116]

The rock of Gibraltar.

[@josht6018]

The biggest rock on Earth is in space

[@jakehanks4116]

@@josht6018 Everything is in space...

[@innertuber4049]

It doesn't matter, because I'm going to find a bigger rock, and bring it here, and not show you that one

[@kabalofthebloodyspoon]

We do know the biggest rock. She just can’t tell us yet. And even if you find a bigger rock she is already going to space to find a bigger rock and bring that rock to earth.

[@douglasrichardson3976]

This was like watching an Apple event.

[@WorldWideTechNews]

Lmfao!

[@yellowblanka6058]

Except with more substance.

[@joetowers4804]

In an Apple event people would be throwing their money onto the stage.

[@rex-up9ln]

Lmaoo

[@1simo93521]

I'm so glad that kind lady was able to help by investing in his Yonkers bus project. Makes my heart swell.

[@thebaker525]

There's at least 13 people in that audience; a dollar each and he's fine honestly.

[@pernus5856]

What are you, a communist?

[@sleep3417]

pernus He's not a communist unless he wants the guy to split his home into $12.45 pieces and give them to the proletariat.

[@qw000pz]

HEY!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :)

[@RetepAdam]

Yeah, but how would they each hold onto the watch? I suppose they could disassemble it and each take a part home.

[@blood7078]

@@RetepAdam Simple solution, instead of breaking the watch give it to me, a trusted bank teller! Now I know what you're thinking, "Why should I give this man the watch?" Well in return I will give my car, which doesn't run anymore but it was made in 1940 so its basically worth 5million dollars yes 5,000,000 that's a lot of zeroes! Appraised by my son who is 9 year's old so it's probably worth more!

[@clootscalhoun9481]

I love the implication that he had time to make a PowerPoint presentation, write a speech, and register and he scheduled for a symposium I have a conventional before he could summon $12 for a bus ticket

[@yumyum366]

It's because it's a common scam. "I need a bus/train ticket to some town slightly far away and probably across a state border so you won't just offer to drive. Please, I had a fallout with my sister, my phone is dead and I need to pick up my kids, etc." I saw a lady on the train do this for 3 weeks. If you get like $40 in donations per hour, that's not bad. In the video they drive this home with the fact that he's literally a purse-snatcher.

[@cleuzecohen595]

@@yumyum366 r/whoosh

[@justinklenk]

Lmao - totally. Probably how his phone died in the first place, come to think of it... 😂😂😂

[@MillRunner]

He could probably get this Kickstarted. Some guy asked for $10 to buy potato salad and is currently around the $20,000 mark.

[@Subjagator]

@Bigfoot Looks like it got to 55k. www.theverge.com/2014/10/1/6880201/potato-stock-kickstarter-potato-salad-zack-danger-brown

[@BNK2442]

@@Subjagator Lol

[@namethefifth7315]

Why would pepole waste thier mony on that for the meme. That's just really dumb

[@reddeaddread]

I mean from our experience of the last two years that seems tame

[@phatrickmoore]

It’s at over 55k now. I want to donate lol

[@jakeweinstein8107]

Yonkers sounds like a discount scooby doo catchphrase

[@arne8158]

that's Yonktown for ya

[@cheydinal5401]

It's a hick town, not a slick town after all

[@PropaneWP]

I would invest in this venture.

[@jamesstrain7062]

The best part of these stories is that Metro north and MTA gives free one way tickets to anyone who gives their billing address(for precisely this reason). Many people don’t know this and this hustle is aimed at them. So loudly announce this when you hear this hustle and watch the hustlers face melt from despair to anger then if they are slick they will quietly take their game elsewhere.

[@stephaniecarrow4898]

This is good to know!

[@notdoneyet1361]

For some reason, "No mind will remain unchanged" sounds like a threat.

[@tugboat2030]

Exactly. You want to mental throwdown?

[@cosmologicalturtle9528]

Notice how the “unchanged” comes in after the “no mind will remain”

[@ericchenli66]

Oh god. I was watching a series of Teds and stumbled upon this one. Confused for a full minute and realized it was onion.

[@CountBifford]

The ill-fitting pants are a nice touch.

[@markofsaltburn]

I met this guy at Toronto Bus Station in 1987. For a man whose been so repeatedly unlucky with public transportation over the years he looks as young as ever.

[@themonkeykingkaiser]

The hustlers where I live come on so strong. Their story is so deep and complex. In 20 seconds I know about their broken car and their lost job and sick child and dead mother and broken leg. Either they're terrible hustlers or they're just trying to annoy me so much that I'll give them money just to GTFO

[@royjonesrampage6684]

the watch bit sold me wouldnt you do it for the watch? then again might be broken but still a broken watch >12.45 right?

[@Kehwanna]

I don't mind people that are actually homeless asking for money when I know they're homeless, but man do I hate hustlers trying to make a quick buck when you know they're not that bad off. Have you ever had one come up to you in the middle of your eating whether you were inside or outside and try to sell you something or get you to give money to them so they can get gas in their car before it runs out or get the Megabus or Greyhound back to their town? Don't hustle people when they're eating.

[@petersteenkamp]

Every time you give money you reward hustling so more hustlers will come to you.

[@jeffreymacmullin1653]

I just give them a dollar and keep walking without listening to them lol.

[@CostaCola]

Dude I feel you, I deal with the same thing.

[@s0nnyburnett]

Yonkers is a terrible name, some Dr. Seuss name. Really should just dissolved the town and start over.

[@Theonegamefreak]

Working on it.

[@gulpersharkeye]

Yonkers was a location where one of the most badly planned defenses against the zombies took place.

[@s0nnyburnett]

Calcifer the Fire Demon How can anyone plan a serious defense in a place called Yonkers? The battle of Yonkers? Come on.

[@snappy452]

Theres plenty better reasons to dissolve Yonkers and start over. Maybe just carpet bomb the place.

[@Theonegamefreak]

Yonkers is bonkers.

[@juan199945]

Somebody once asked me if I could spare some change for gas. He said he needed to get himself “away from this place”. I said “yep. What a concept. I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change.”

[@jackhoff4672]

You fucking asshole just give him a dollar or something next time

[@lvl.50mafiaboss38]

Well! They ain't stop coming, and they won't stop coming!

[@robzonefire]

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running!

[@jfrontier1]

OMG that was so sad. I thought he would never get the money to get to Yonkers. Thank the almighty he finally got it. That is why I love America! A great and happy ending. :D

[@hitchslap8254]

It wasn't the almighty, it was that woman's insufficient grip strength.

[@TheEnmineer]

@@hitchslap8254 Thank the lord for making old lady's have such weak grip strength. He sends his most desperate yonkers-dwellers his weakest women.

[@AltruisticAlbatross]

#GetThisManToYonkers

[@yellowblanka6058]

The applause after he rips the purse away from that lady....HAHAHAHA!

[@vinaypreetham2697]

The Thank you in the end after grabbing her purse🤣🤣

[@HiHello-pl4tj]

This is incredible. What a brilliant man. I hope the best for him. I wonder if he's teaching any university courses.

[@hitchslap8254]

Dunno, he's pretty hard to get hold of. I think his phone is busted.

[@alexeycherkashov6913]

UFT after dr. Peterson was invited out of alumni

[@Thrifty032781]

I love that at the end he just resolved to mugging someone.

[@rcbif101]

I suppose I could lend him the money if we can get the watch apraised....

[@myfirstcrappyvideobilly]

#word

[@jonathanbirch2022]

Kim would appraise it

[@threenumbnuts]

Out of curiosity, I once offered to actually pay the ticket for someone like this, as long as they gave me the money they'd gotten up til then. He felt compelled to inform me how much of a "snotty rich kid" I was, how I was "too stuck up to give a shit about a man down on his luck", and urged at least 4 different deities to curse me for all eternity (pretty smart of him, really, it's important to never put all of your supernatural eggs in a single religious basket).

[@pearcepackman6163]

I like the bit at the end about supernatural eggs

[@myfirstcrappyvideobilly]

If they wanted the ticket they would have done it

[@Psilomuscimol]

​. They had much more money. I have homeless friends. Some have money. Some don't even need or want money. And some are genuinely in need. For those last ones I gave blankets and stuff when I saw them

[@ridingboy]

I woke up in the middle of the night, watched this talk, and will have night mares when going to sleep again. Thank you.

[@HRVHackers]

I gave this guy $12.45 but I saw him hosting another identical Onion talk barely 3 days later. Something seems fishy here

[@makeadifference4all]

Eight years later, this still is a perfect parody of a TED Talk.

[@the81kid]

Perfect. And much more insightful than any TED Talk!

[@InsertName125]

This is definitely better than TED TALKS.

[@jcrowley1985]

He should become an independent hitchhiker and start a kickstarter campaign.

[@AbnormalWrench]

Good point. He'd probably get 20K within a week.

[@KrisBlueNZ]

LOL

[@myfirstcrappyvideobilly]

He's got too much bitch in his blood

[@matthewcrites4197]

This is absolutely disgusting. How could that woman be so greedy and not give him her purse willingly? I'm so disappointed with how selfish people have gotten

[@anotheraggieburneraccount]

i love how it feels like a motivational metaphor being dragged out way too long

[@hawaiidispenser]

Hey, didn't you ask me for $12.45 last week too?

[@willyjoerockhead]

I saw this guy on every street corner here in Chicago for the last 20 years!

[@1schwererziehbar1]

This would be a great monologue for Nicolas Cage.

[@samr6408]

The tone of voice is perfect

[@marcelsilva7693]

At start, after he said I have something important to talk to you and then said "you see I have to catch a bus to Yonkers..." ...I about lost my mind! 😂😂👍

[@steveworrell]

Exquisite writing and acting. Worth way more than 130k views

[@justinklenk]

Totally. This was brilliant. 😂😂

[@ItsDSP]

Imagine being asked for bus money by someone who has the funds to invest into a massive conference.

[@robertagren9360]

There was a school project how to get money out of nothing and the winner made a conference on how to get money out of nothing.

[@johnnythreefour2902]

Holy shit, the people in the audence are real. Always thought they were just stock videos.

[@yusefsmith8623]

“Now this money will not be a gift, but a loan. Because in my home in Yonkers, I have plenty of money.”

[@thoyo]

i think it's kind of an inside joke for new yorkers. a lot of times random ppl will stop you and ask for money and say it's for busfare to somewhere in long island (obviously lying). i've been stopped by the very same guy in manhattan 2 or 3 times with the exact story word for word.

[@SamJohnston91]

New York must be the Craziest place on earth!! No one has ever been stopped for money in any city anywhere else before!

[@YuiFunami]

this always happens in the subway

[@notablegoat]

thoyo The same thing happens in every big city

[@whateverlolawants]

That's pretty universal in my experience.

[@thevoxdeus]

Happens in every city. Only New Yorkers think tstuff that happens in New York is special.

[@dothesick]

When he pulled out the watch I lost it. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS OFFER THEIR WATCH???

[@Psilomuscimol]

A girl tried to sell me watches. And when I said no asked if I had a woman. I just rode off

[@pavelshliaha1706]

Do people offer you watches? What if you would take it?

[@guttsu]

I love these damn videos, so glad to be rediscovering them.

[@shiningturtle]

The best parts are the close ups of the audience

[@brandonbrown2907]

This guy seems legit. I love TED talks, and now I've found something to replace them.

[@sadochrist8534]

Truly inspirational.

[@NosDarkly]

There's lousy mass transit where I live so our local variation of the scam is asking for gas money.

[@whateverlolawants]

I almost never fall for that. But ONE TIME this couple seemed legit. They were in their car next to another pump while I was filling up my car. I gave them $5. And they immediately drove off.

[@BlueBird-wb6kb]

@@whateverlolawants Should of taken a picture of their car first , or remember the licensed plate . So then you can report to the police if it turns into a scam

[@TheKitMurkit]

@@whateverlolawants that's so stupid. Why didn't they fill up even if they are scammers? I doubt they had a full tank.

[@whateverlolawants]

@@TheKitMurkit They probably wanted or needed something else more. Probably drugs.

[@hgfuhgvg]

I had to watch this 3 times just to make sure I didn't miss anything important

[@halycyon1234]

TED talks. It does have this pattern to it.

[@barbieblue3336]

Onion has the best actors, scripts, ideas, music, perfection

[@BirdGang6]

I love that he opened it up like a real Ted Talk with the “hello everyone I’m here to talk you today about something very important”

[@StavroginNikolai]

A guy once asked me for $2 for an NY subway ticket because he had just gotten out of jail and didn't have any cash. I believed him because I'm a cop and we were right in front of down town holding. And who the hell approaches a cop with that sort of lie?

[@Dream8Reserected]

Probably people who know the cop is thinking just what you were so they could get away with it?

[@StavroginNikolai]

@@Dream8Reserected I think you're grossly overestimating the intellect of people who can't afford a $2 ticket fresh out of jail

[@deltahalo241]

What really surprised me about this sketch was that the audience was actually there. I thought they had been greenscreened in and footage spliced in between cuts, but there is an actual stage with an actual audience.

[@logo-maniac5298]

This fella is almost as charismatic and convincing as several of the professional solicitors I encounter in the WalMart parking lot regularly!

[@garshtoshteles]

There's something so perfectly hapless about someone wearing a suit AND a backpack. It speaks to a kind of desperation

[@manfromnantucket9544]

His Toyota Camry broke down? First red flag lol

[@BirdGang6]

Aw yes, I’ve pulled this “if you could give me 20 dollars now I’ll give you 40 next week” before! A grifting staple!

[@hihowareyouthen]

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, etc, etc.

[@hoosierhiver]

I don't believe in Yonkers

[@Strike86]

I got most of the way through this before realising Onion

[@GerardPerry]

Was it the gigantic green onion that tipped you off?

[@justinklenk]

I'm actually jealous - what a gift! 😂😂

[@PoseidonXIII]

I just hope he doesn't get lost in Yonkers

[@roguishpaladin]

I'm glad to see that TED-ED's sister program, TED-MUG, is doing well.

[@pernus5856]

Ahhhh, Onion Talks... Only for the truly enlightened.

[@oliverehmann1879]

Im a bus driver, I would take your left shoe and watch for the fare.

[@ShanteRoxxane]

I always get excited when my city is mentioned. Yonkers, NY woohoo. Lol

[@Someone-else-Probably]

sounds legit but i forgot my wallet

[@JKiler1]

Unlike most Ted talks where I'm left wondering what to do with this information, this one I actually get. He wants money. Life should be so simple.

[@michaelhomans5961]

When he pulled out that graph showing the appreciating value of the watch and the static value of $12.45. I was sold.

[@Theodoreroum]

I would lend you a charger to charge your phone, but no money from me. You are not convincing,

[@jabberw0k812]

The sad thing is, all of this stuff can definitely happen to you. A lot of it has happened to me. Yet I still didn't give a guy ticket money the last time I was in a bus station.

[@lifeofelorm]

Its the "thank you" for me

[@jeb31415]

This is less about the bus fare than about an economic plan for America: grasping the purse or wallet from the person closest to you is the path to financial well-being.

[@nicholasburch2122]

this is such great fucking acting his intention is so clearly displayed by his subcommunications he's telling a story not to tell it but to respond to all your possible objections

[@gilgamesh6135]

Even before the vid started I culdnt stop laughing. Oh man I love you onion

[@justinklenk]

Likewise. Holy shit man...😅😅😅

[@etheth4473]

The guy at 1:27 is also in Clickhole’s video “If you don’t think you have any prejudices, you need to watch this video.” I love the Onion’s Expanded Universe

[@parkkinglot892]

He's got so many disciples here in the Philippines, near the port area, so inspiring! No seriously watch out for them.

[@Mtv-get-off-thee-air]

Is it bad that I would 100% pay for this guys bus ticket?

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

"You. Give me $12.45. I'll pay you baaaack!"

[@agnel47]

So we looked at the data...

[@Bongwyre2112]

All ya have to do is take the Number 6 bee-line on Warburton Ave, or the number 1 on Broadway....not that hard. What you can't spare $2 until you get home? $2 bucks one way. Jeez.

[@owenleejoeking2683]

This is perfect. Genius! What a spoof! Bravo!

[@PplsChampion]

the best part is the audience reactions

[@waleedgaming4910]

LMAO he made a whole ted talk with slides just to ask the audience for $12.45

[@NiMareQ]

That bag on his back steps the game up.

[@douggodsoe]

He should take the 1 train to 242 street and then transfer to a Bee line bus to get to Yonkers. $2.75. Or, the Westchester Manhattan express bus BXM4C for $7.50. I don’t think he actually lives in New York.

[@findthebox8623]

How do you knkw where he is?

[@douggodsoe]

@@findthebox8623 Because I know the neighborhood where he is. I lived in NY for a long time. It's not just an abstract setting for Hollywood movies; people really live there and know how to get from one place to another. My wife! She is the queen of the MTA!

[@lyndonlives638]

Inspiring talk!

[@gwordAa1999]

1:15 sophisticated silicone valley when they go bankrupt

[@Dazen101]

Tim and Eric would be proud

[@Moosa27]

The real break point is when I say okay I will buy the bus ticket for you I just won't give you cash, and they still try to bring an excuse!

[@MsMojomaster]

that woman really put up a fight over her bag

[@jaykay4137]

This is a great business investment.