What is Transference And Why It Matters

[@littlefrog9553]

"We don't need people to be normal: we just need them to be able to explain their abnormalities in good time, with kindness and humility." That's all I needed today, thank you.

[@rocker816]

Idk Whether I learned anything cognitively in this video . But you pointing out this quote did teach me something (i wouldn’t have noticed it without you) , and it improved my feeling towards my current relationship so know that you helped someone today!

[@leeleeturn]

Step 10 in AA

[@GeorgeDonnelly]

Yes, that quote was amazing.

[@tyronepaul153]

Exactly focus on

[@Eddafred]

Probably the scariest part of transference is how subtle it can be. You can go decades behaving to certain situations in a certain way before you realize it's all rooted to something that happened as a child. I spent the better part of 20 years being scared to death of making people angry because it always reminded me on some level of how scary and abusive my father was growing up. You really gotta dig deep to find this stuff, and it's hard to reflect on a part of your life that reminds you of how powerless and fragile that little boy was. But it's not something I regret. It's part of what made me what I am, which is a person that will never treat my child that way.

[@2HelpfulGuys]

Eddafred jeez, this comment hit home. It's so hard to tell what comes from where when these patterns run so deep

[@gavinhudson5251]

I can relate to that.

[@yoyoyo5621]

wow same, my mom was a huge scary bully and I realized I was also really afraid of making people angry or communicating my needs. And sometimes I have transference moments and I become that scared little girl again. I think once you realize that you're having transference moment you snap out of it and you feel like you have options as to how to respond to the present situation.

[@paulnnaish]

"Making people angry" would be a pathalogical thing to do. The healthy path (which I suspect you do but haven't expressed well) is to recognise your fear of anger because it always manifested itself in temper in your father. Expessing anger is healthy because it defines boundaries, expressing anger in temper isn't, it's pathological.

[@christopherdiedrich40]

Never say never

[@Fishbiene]

This reminds me of a realization I had recently. I don't have a lot of friends and generally don't like other people, even though they seem to like me. I realized that, growing up, my parents always told me that the things I said and did were rude and would make people not want to be around me. I guess I internalized that to the point that now when someone is nice to me I don't know what the hell is going on. Remember in the Simpsons movie when Bart is fishing with Flanders. It's like that

[@Michael-fi5rd]

I've had a similar experience. Remembering these things and realizing they are still affecting us is important

[@405pranavghandade7]

Fishbiene well it's a the opposite case with me. When I am depressed,stressed or worried I can barely show any signs of acknowledgement. Forget about communication, when in such a situation a friend asks me a question that i asked them to find a while back or when they try to communicate with me i ignore/try to avoid them making them think that i don't care about whether their existence matters to me or not. So when later I am out of such a situation/normal i can't do what they were trying to do with earlier or least not that easily that i was earlier and pretty much no sign of acknowledgment. As sensitive i am I perceive that they are no longer those kind of friends they used to be, well much more like strangers now. Although I have made many friends and lost them over the course of time, I learned due to the internet that i am not the only person to have had such a experience and something like that is considered natural just as how divorce is considered in the western. So people aren't nice around me just as I am not nice with them at times,unlike you who even though being rude ppl are nice with that's just sad. 😩😩😧😧:( - before watching the video But not everybody wants to/understands how we feel they just say ,"your problem deal with it" or "so what should I do?" Or even "why are you telling me that?". So transference will still exist inevitably we will be taken as strange or mean as mentioned in the video. Maybe I guess it's kind of filter that pushes out the wrong people of our life out. This is something till this day I was worried about but hopefully all experience it at some point in their life. Well i knew why I doing it but now I know what I was doing, what is it called that i was doing thanks SCHOOL OF LIFE i am indebted to you. Something I would have never learned in school. -after watching the video which showed me the light.

[@aimeecooke2972]

well done, i know i don't know you but it made me really happy to read that you had realised this about yourself. I hope understanding yourself better benefits your relationships

[@smartcatcollarproject5699]

Or they were right about you being rude by nature, they just failed to make you understand the differences between good and bad manners ? Or maybe for some strange reason you attract people more than the average Joe, and being rude is some kind of defense you set up so that you can keep your own space ? Or your boundaries are too weak and you reject people in fear they invade your intimity ? Or... or... why do I even care anyway...

[@Michael-fi5rd]

Smart Cat Collar Project you make some good points. I definitely think I ignore friends some time as a way to be "in control" similar to how I did with my parents. Yesterday 3 of my good friends texted me and I just never replied because I didn't feel like thinking of what to say. Even though I know I need to reply, and will eventually, I just didn't. I think I need a therapist sometimes lol

[@atwaterpub]

3:15 It seems to me that there are no "less than mature emotions." All emotions are valid and mature. There are only less than mature "behaviors." Emotions are not wrong. Behaviors can be wrong depending on environment and intended results.

[@beepboopbot848]

atwaterpub damn true

[@anyamckercher2408]

+

[@atwaterpub]

addendum: I add this thought above as an extension of the basic ideas presented in "The School of Life" video. I love their videos and their ideas and the possibility to present a forum for intelligent discussion. Good work guys.

[@djr5995]

What you are saying here makes complete sense but I think that if you have another look at the phrasing in it's wider context you'll find that "emotion" was still the right word to use and not "behaviour". This is because the transfer of "less than mature emotion" is not under ones direct control, it just happens. The childhood behaviour doesn't get transferred, instead *the emotion does* and you become aware of then feeling that emotion. The way that you then react *after the transfer*; is the behaviour. It is a little unfortunate that, in the video, the guys behaviour is initially childish because he has let his emotion get the better of him, (making it first appear that the "less that mature emotions" are one and the same as less than mature behaviours) and it isn't until later that he behaves maturely. But this is all necessary to fit the flow of the narrative as we the viewer learn the message of the video as a whole

[@atwaterpub]

DJR good point. Sometimes the meaning we seek is between two words.

[@worldsofwood8809]

Can you please do a video on how to not fuck up your future children?

[@theschooloflifetv]

We are making them every week!

[@Enhdros]

The School of Life Loved the answer. I actually laughed at this (knowing how true it is).

[@manuelenriquepenaiv580]

The School of Life can you please do one on fighting with partner? Having a bad temper, overreacting when partner frustrates you, jealousy, etc? Please

[@madmanzila]

mmmm ... first, dont have em, then dont.

[@2HelpfulGuys]

Crispy Crunchy Ellie ASMR is it possible to not fuck them up!?

[@shruti171990]

Your channel literally helped save my relationship and my life...After a messy breakup...Uncertain getting back together...We started to work on ourselves and our relationship. We are getting married next year after 8 years of togetherness (and a series of hiccups along the way) and I've never been more in love.

[@juliz2500]

You don't just knock and enter - the whole point of knocking is that the other person can decide they don't want you to enter now! My mum used to do this. In fact she still does whenever I stay at her house. She knocks and opens the door at the same time without waiting for an answer. It's as if I don't deserve any privacy. I now live with a friend and she does it too and AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE!

[@8iaventri999]

ikr! Like, everyone I know does this! And to my cousin, STOP USING MY TOOTHBRUSH, WILL YA!!!

[@moirosalina]

I completely understand! That is awfull! My parents used to immediately ram the door open agressively,, as if they were always trying to catch us on something. Simmilar and that used to also drive me insane. I am so glad I don't live with them anymore.

[@2HelpfulGuys]

Oh God! They definitely might see things they don't want to see if they keep doing that :/

[@husnucoban3571]

how can i possibly know which incident is making me react the way i am?

[@marina2150]

Husnu Coban Psychotherapy. Maybe it's not one specific event though. It can be the whole childhood in some cases.

[@husnucoban3571]

so as i will not have a specific memory to tell when i act strange, i will be called weird in all circumstances. thanks School of life.

[@thijsjong]

It can be something you have forgotten. Or you were to young to remember. You find yourself reactief odd and you dont know why. It happens.

[@marina2150]

Husnu Coban You can try to remember how your parents act when they were around you. It's not one day that makes everything going wrong but the way you were treacted when you were younger that makes you act the way you do in your adult life.

[@roidroid]

a good technique is to write it down when it happens, describe how you feel & add a "why do i feel like this?"

[@croxncrox]

But... i dont remember my childhood that vividly... this is making me anxious, because does that mean that i will now not know why i do the things i do

[@hippykiller2775]

croxncrox no, if it changed you, you remember it. I mean that literally. it may not be on the surface but if you think about what you do that you don't like, and think back long enough to possibly come up with a few answers from your past, you will start to get the hang of how to really recall those important events. I actually spent months doing this, and afterwards, I found myself. Literally in my top 3 best days in my entire life.

[@sanomihoi8406]

croxncrox I didn't remember my childhood before. I had it all repressed. Through therapy it started coming back, then I was angry because memories weren't nice. And finally now, I am at piece.

[@2HelpfulGuys]

I did A LOT of journaling about random very small childhood memories and that really helped me jog my memory over time

[@hymanrabinovitch8608]

Psychic trauma in childhood tends to be buried by layers of protective shield, like being buried in the middle of an onion. The greater the trauma the bigger the onion, until eventually all memories of the childhood trauma are clouded but not erased. You should seek good psychotherapy to get rid of your onion. To learn more about the illness and it's treatment I would suggest you read my book "Neurosis Revealed" available on amazon.com

[@ll7868]

My mum abandoned me when I was 2, then I moved around a lot between my grandparents, my dad, step-mum, aunt and at 15 moved in with my gf's family. Because of constantly being shuffled around I never formed any real bonds with anyone, my dad & his sisters were more like an older brother and sisters, and I always felt as if they resented me for being born. To this day I have no real world friends and every friendship I do make I sabotage it by being defensive and unemotional or overcompensate by being excessively nice to the point of making people uncomfortable. I've grown accustomed to loneliness and solitude out of necessity to protect myself from forming bonds that are going to be painfully broken anyway.

[@Slechy_Lesh]

I also have a similar record with friendships. Maybe we have some interests in common.

[@Isabelle-fh3yr]

I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not your fault. I can relate to you almost feeling like they resented you for being born, but I can’t imagine what it must have been like to not ever really even have formed those primary bonds. I hope you will find the people that are right for you and that you can connect with in a healthy way. And I hope that your relationship with yourself is good. Fare well stranger!

[@megansanders5088]

Personally, I feel like this is the School of Life's most important video lesson to date. I really do appreciate the creativity, time, and work that goes into the animated lessons. That being said, thank you so much for filming a detailed real-life scenario to illustrate the concept. Recognizing transference and how it affects my adult life was one of the most enlightening moments I have ever experienced. It's easy to forget in the throw of heated emotions, though, and the couple's genuine experience really struck me. I'm sure I will come back to this video throughout my life as a reminder. Thank you for everything you do, the School of Life team.

[@PeachPlastic]

I hate you, School of Life. I'm supposed to leave for work in half an hour from now, and now I'm crying.

[@Jake38nine]

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who cried at this video...

[@Gordanmgleb]

yeah, STOP finding excuses for assholes. i had a horrible childhood and the teen years were from hell, but i do not act like this DOUCHEBAG. i actually told my girlfriend that i hate seeing her family, cuz i didn't had one, and on christmans and easter i get extra depressed especially when she has all these relatives, etc. but you know what? i make an extra effort and go to those stupid family meetings, even if i am socially awkward and i usually make a fool of myself. and i see her trying to make me feel better and you know what? it actually makes me feel a bit better. not to mention that being socially awkward i sometimes embarrass her, and when i see that i tell her in private "see i told you it was a bad idea to come" and she says it's nothing...even if i know it is.. these is my reality, i am not ok. but i am not an ASSHOLE ABOUT IT. or i might just abuse and be a prick to anyone around me and then say "i had a tough childhood" and expect love in return, after i been a total douche. JUST HELP YOUR GOD DAMN GIRLFRIEND CARRY HER LUGGAGE ! pff....

[@Diggydogsp]

Whether you see this or not, understand what you're doing is amazing. You explain so much that people (including myself) are unable to express and make sense of. You shine a light on topics that are misunderstood and may be controversial, not scared to hide away from reality. You are truly one my favourite channels on KZbin, the only one of whom I'm never willing to miss a video. Thank you for everything you've done The School of Life

[@Slechy_Lesh]

Or, they're continuing to increase the perception most people have of psychoanalysis: that it's carey-sharey middle class hippies or extremely weird or self-indulgent inflated nonsense. Which it's not.

[@Roxie207]

Everything in this video is true to life for those who have suffered hard-ache/loss of trust from the ones we love(d) the most in our past. Not knowing what causes us to push away/sabotage those who truly love us now, in the present, is frustrating and continues the cycle. We must look deep down and realize that we've been broken by the past and call it out and we must let those who love us, understand that it's not them but us and like the video says, tell that person. It does take maturity to know when/why these "bouts" happen and to discuss them with the person we care about. This is just my own personal "awakening" experience I had a few years ago that saved both my sanity and my relationships.

[@suenorwood-evans9724]

As a child growing up what I wanted just wasn’t important which has turned me into a person who refuses to ‘do without’.

[@melihyusakuzgun7804]

I did express my offer in yesterday's meeting here in my company to share alain de botton and his brilliant crystal clear thought-provoking well-coined works to present it to the readers of our newspaper but they did not accept for so called low-readability reasons and the time that the work will consume. So i believe that The school of Life should work with top translators and share them along with new projects. Like! if you think that it is worth to present him in our newspaper.

[@theschooloflifetv]

We'd be honoured to feature in your newspaper. Please contact us if you'd like to syndicate articles from www.thebookoflife.org

[@rebecca69629]

You can count on me for translation anytime. I've been keeping up with Alain's work since the mid 2000's and have read several TSOL's articles many times. My major is in Communication, I have an interest in Psychology and strongly feel I can contribute to TSOL in regard to foreign languages.

[@SiBayen]

I think this helps me much as I see myself (at most of time) as the guy in the vid. I tend to left things unsaid (because of certain reasons) and move on when I talk to my boyfriend. I cant seem to be open about it but he often said "it's okay, I understand" Im glad he does. Empathy & patience is all we need. Things do take time to uncover things behind our past that makes us who we are today.

[@lojanak60]

This video made me cry. Seriously. Thank you TSOL for all your fantastic work!

[@RollingInThePurple]

How's possible that a KZbin channel is able to teach me more than my parents did? Dammit.

[@oxiary]

Ain't even 5 minutes after upload and peeps unliking this work of art. smh.

[@missmiss975]

I pray that every hurt little boy finds peace

[@wafierocks7549]

Ok, but why am i watching all these videos while crying?

[@ILLPATRIOT]

Annnnnd, my name is Ryan. New to seeing how transference has been affecting my relationships. Seeing this little guy here is helping me relate. Thank you.

[@tinakelly329]

I wish I had known all this during my 24 year marriage. I left him 8 years ago and am still on my own for fear of just picking a different version of him. Im 53 and don't believe i will ever meet anyone again because they are so much work. Luckily I am happy by myself but I miss that connection to someone special

[@aasiyahbadar4879]

It hasn't even been a minute. Why do people dislike without watching the video?

[@k1gaara]

Aasiyah Badar Never understood why people sub to channels just to dislike the videos early

[@mirzaizazahmed3201]

It actually make me hurt, how the girl came home , and the guy ignored her

[@MikeMHeafy]

Why is it so easy for me to shed some tears every time I watch one of your videos..

[@legoinsomniac]

I like that the School of life is branching into different types of videos

[@haruka1378]

This made me cry in a healing way.

[@Blahlalovely]

This is my favorite School of Life video so far. How sweet that he opened up and shared with her. In doing so he healed a bit of himself and strengthened his relationship with her. 💝

[@davidhewitson7360]

These videos are so well produced, the tone and acting in this is spot on

[@dtb8008]

I wanted to hug that little boy

[@WillyJunior]

this was a lot to handle on a comedown after a big weekend... almost cried

[@dereksalas8195]

One of the best channels on The Tube

[@maryyeet7918]

This video made me decide to rant a lot. I think transference has been affecting my work patterns. I tend to be indecisive because I'm afraid my decisions will be disliked even if they were the original decision of my superiors. My dad always changes his mind so for me to make a decision often gets in the way of his decision making and my mom is that way, too, at least a lot of the time. I also sometimes question authority,too, because of my childhood and don't want to just listen to other people because sometimes when I would do that as a child things would go horribly wrong. My dad would yell at me and blame his fallacies on me and my siblings, so rather than speaking my own mind I would learn to keep it shut most of the time, so that when I have genuine questions , even if they are necessary,I am afraid to ask them because I'm afraid I might get hurt. I have also learnt to be quick but also to have a lot of patience because while biking my dad would bike ahead of us and he wouldn't wait for my mother who was a lot slower. As I was younger, I would often go ahead of everyone or be lagging behind, no in between, but as I started growing older, I started to become more supportive of my mother and also a mediator between my brothers, my mom and my dad. All four of them have their own opinions, with my brother Tony trying to mediate but actually just making things worse by making poor decisions and my brother,Josh, gets so angry at the situation that he can hardly keep from yelling. My dad always yells or at the very least has a loud voice because it comes naturally to him, and my mother is sometimes inaudible even when trying to speak louder. So I've learnt to just not care and to be a constant peace maker and when they get angry it makes me sad because I know in my heart that I'm just trying to do the right thing but also that this family has waned the anger out into a tiny portion of me. I am often anxious of people going to McDonalds at all because they are looking for fast service and I am very new to customer service in this form so I am not very fast. I get math wrong when I am under stress because I have learnt from my childhood to just do tasks "good enough" rather than get it exactly right and I also blank sometimes. I am not sure how to deal with it, and I am also afraid to take breaks because in my childhood, sometimes taking a break would mean letting my family deal with problems on its own, which I know it has trouble doing sometimes. Actually, though, as an adult I know better. But most if not all of these feelings come without my desiring them at a moment's notice and so I have no time to prepare for them. I wish the woman manager I have during my shifts wasn't so anxious because by having me watch people, she's letting me get lost in day dreaming, my childhood way of escaping my problems and my way of meditation sometimes. I get scared when I see people pull up to the cash register because I am afraid that they could be angry even if they look happy because my dad would sometimes be sarcastically happy before making a harsh insult or getting fiercely angry at someone. I don't want to talk it out with them because I don't know them and my peers, or coworkers I should say, seem to have no idea how to help me because I forget simple instructions. If anyone is still reading this, could you provide me with some advice if you have any?

[@ilost5040]

It's been 5 years... and no one has commented, so... how's it going? Any progress? I hope you've already overcome your childhood trauma and have a good life. 🙂

[@LucasAlexander]

This is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Beautiful way to explain a concept!

[@jackieblue04]

I explained the reason why i think i react the way i do, and i got a "oh please.." and a "get over it" lol

[@N3ONLUV]

jackieblue04 😦 that's...not good

[@NoItDoesntChange]

Red flag.

[@Slechy_Lesh]

Get them to open up about their shit, sit them down when you have an afternoon/evening free and concentrate on them. That'd turn them around on the whole notion.

[@katrinawright9943]

I couldnt see this video soon enough! My fiance does the EXACT same thing the guy does in the video. It drives me insane but i know it's how he copes with disappointment (even if he wont tell me WHAT disappointed him so badly 😓). It's hard not to take it personally, even if i know it has nothing to do with me... He's usually better after a couple of days but it gets lonely sometimes when you're trying to talk to someone you love and they only give brief, curt answers...

[@lukemclellan2141]

Are you willing to live with that for the rest of your life?

[@katrinawright9943]

He's just about perfect all other times. Annoying, but it isn't really a dealbreaker. He has gotten a bit better over the years.

[@albatross7327]

my ex was so wrought with this stuff that it controlled nearly all his reactions. and because I was his first big relationship & he had no idea he was doing it, he DID blame me. if i pointed it out and even drew the connections between his expectations/reactions regarding his parents vs me and how it all entwined, it made him enraged. but with him bearing no communication skills and no desire to learn them...I only did my best to get us out a rut. but it made him violent. it was a lost cause. some people are toddlers and they want to stay that way.

[@katrinawright9943]

rememberjuly Thankfully it's never been as bad as that (im sorry it was for you, though). He just gets quiet until he figures stuff out and then is right as rain. I'm getting a bit better at ignoring the behavior and just pecking him on the cheek every now and again to let him know im there to talk. I hope your new S.O. is treating you well 😊

[@WWZenaDo]

Speaking from the other side of the coin, as a badly-abused infant, child & young adult I have all of this - and more. Children who are abused or as it's also referred to, scapegoated, often cannot remember much of their childhoods. I've not only had that problem (which renders one blind to what sorts of abuses & the damages one has suffered), but there were nasty family secrets surrounding me & my family that didn't come out until I was nearly 40 years old. Secrecy is poisonous, & dysfunctional or especially deliberately destructive parents like mine demand secrecy - revel in it. When I was 36 I found out that (from the age of 6 up through 16) my mother had been sending me to live every summer with a child-rapist - her father. When I was 39 I found out that my aunt & uncle had offered to adopt me shortly after I was born, FOUR YEARS INTO my parents' marriage. ...There had to be dangerous levels of abuse for adults to view a legitimate child born into what appeared to be a "stable" marriage, to need to be adopted by relatives instead. But unfortunately my poisonously narcissistic mother decided she needed to keep me - in order to force my father back into the marriage. From that point on my infancy, childhood & young adulthood were all living hell. I was blamed for everything - but again, much of the blaming wasn't clearly obvious until I was 40 years old & began confronting my hateful mother about her (possibly literal) insanity in mistreating me. Her response? "Well, ALL the TROUBLE in the marriage started after YOU WERE BORN!" She had somehow managed to hide her hatred of me for 40 years (although it came through in mean, nasty, petty bullying - & my father was WORSE because he had to stay in the marriage because of me). But when I challenged her fantasy that she was the "perfect" mother with (as she once referred to me, within my hearing) "such a STRANGE little girl", her mask broke & I got to see the real monster underneath. I've lost beloved pets because of the abuse, my second marriage has failed because of the abuse, I've failed at jobs, underachieved (despite obvious talents), all while many people have viewed me as "spoiled". More like destroyed by deliberately vicious, hateful parents. Every parent that deliberately tries to destroy their own offspring should be shot between the eyes. I wish someone had killed my parents when I was 5 years old...

[@kimberlyrose144]

Well done! Evocative demonstration. I think this analysis of self for transference applies in private, all in our own, when there is no one we need to share with. For example, learned negative coping skills in response to uncomfortable feelings. Recognizing them, showing compassion for self, and then forming new behaviours that serve us. Anyway, important video! Thank you!

[@User-to7nb]

These kinds of videos really mess me up. They make me realize that each one of us is messed up in their own unique way. Some people are taught to fear rejection, some are taught to hurt others, etc. It makes me wonder what qualifies people to be parents, and why can we do if the parents aren't emotionally ready to deal with kids

[@s.o.s5555]

Your videos make me love the imperfections of people, and that has really really helped me..Keep going!

[@Masquerola]

Nicely made video, great actors!

[@kevinkanaka7456]

Yess I really relate to me. My girl have trust issue about people leaving and yes, her dad left her when she was really young. Happy to see others who face the same challenge.

[@mainlyfine]

...and they both lived happily ever after....bluurrghh

[@Thegoodlol]

Another great video. The School of Life is the best thing that happened in my life.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thanks!

[@joelfry4982]

Thank you for posting this. I don't often learn new things from KZbin, but this is a time in which I did.

[@ariaperdana24]

watching this really makes me understand what i've been done just a few days ago. Well i've many problems in my childhood and i did something really bad. Didn't know that childhood does matter in adulthood till watching this.

[@yoramalon5273]

Awesome. Very insightful. I can recognise transference in all people around me. Through transference, i can see the little child hiding in the body of an adult. I can see people , as they were kids. I can see people's past projected into the present. I should practice transference observation. Awesome All along i knew transference existed. This video confirms it and name it.

[@yliu7945]

When we speak about our issues in front of our love one can move the relationship closer. Not like me and my ex never talked about the real issues face to face before, that's why we broke up and lesson learned.

[@ThatsWhenItkickedin]

I'm 71. Now I know what 'transference' is. Never too old to learn

[@cboyles84]

That's what I do, I explain my behaviors. I got my mate to do it relatively recently and its made us better😊

[@ryanliberty]

Thank you for bringing awareness to this. We'd all be better off to understand how transference affects our relationships.

[@gageiiiiitttt]

Thank you. This made a lot of sense to me.

[@sydandtaytum]

this made me tear up.

[@AncientEvolved144]

This was so perfect!

[@Timathus]

I watch, Like, and Subscribe every time I watch a video. So I very much appreciate being thanked for my efforts.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thank you!!

[@loulou2302]

Timathus you're acting like a child😌

[@Kat-ik1pu]

Timathus Slowly *digging* yourself a hole.

[@mikeRoweSoftLee]

subscribing again will result in an unsubscription

[@karatecow99]

What a good boy you are :)

[@asta3486]

the guy looks like Rich from Skins

[@vildekm]

that's the guy who plays him, yep

[@Sakurayaya]

Ines J no wonder he looks so familiar!! 😍😍 Miss him so much!!

[@obedbhiziki]

OMG. I spent link half an hour after watching this, wondering where I had seen him before.

[@33m3c]

I actually stopped watching at first cause a knew he looked so familiar thank you for saving me brain power to think hhaha

[@natcamargo5344]

YES

[@jordanleach4937]

I like your animated stuff but please do more like this

[@2HelpfulGuys]

Jordan Leach I agree. It had a whole different type of feeling from the normal videos

[@themariofiend1144]

Holy crap, this makes sense of why I take it very personally when people leave for any reason...deep seated abandonment issues

[@maryamghorbani1333]

Whyyyyy you are sooooo good Alain 😍. How come someone can be such a professional in knowing human being . Having your books was my dream when I was in my country and now I am in London .2 weeks ago I went to your store and as much as my budget allow me to buy ,I bought two books. if one day I get a job and have money I will come for counseling. See youuuu❤❤❤

[@Gamer123xx]

Really strong video, touched something in me. Thank you.

[@coreybirsner7573]

Like a dam arrow just pierces right through all the b******* and hits pretty hard right at the heart of the problem every single time. thank you.

[@muneeb.majid.]

Where has this video been for all my life

[@miserimuslovestarvus6587]

I don't know why I react childishly! I probably need a psychologist to unfold the dark memories of the past and show me their relationship with my present behavioral patterns! Or not!

[@moky4mido]

sometimes we just can't remember the exact event that traumatized us

[@AegisEpoch]

i want to see more of this couple, they made me feel warmz

[@lududelubin3011]

I thought this would have went into Limerence but I can see how this still covers it. I remember reading that transference and reciprocation can end limerent tendencies and feelings

[@palomae7024]

Another great video from the school of life. The ending was so heartwarming... I loved it!! And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I found out that Khyan M. participated in it. What a truly wonderful day!

[@nipundave9935]

Ok. Alan is obsessed with Freudian physcoanalysis.

[@donchello2128]

NIPUN DAVE cause it makes sense

[@karatecow99]

And it makes sense you just cant understand because understanding makes you transfer that childish behavior.

[@littlefishbigmountain]

NIPUN DAVE Transference and Freudian psychoanalysis are not equivalent. They are related, though. If you made a Venn diagram, it would probably be concentric circles with transference on the inside. Freudian psychoanalysis does not always make sense, but transference is *definitely* real

[@littlefishbigmountain]

Not that anyone who recognizes the validity of transference has to agree with Freudian psychology outside of transference at all. It's not a take it all or leave it all concept

[@donchello2128]

karatecow99 I just said that? You don't have to repeat it and add a negative insult

[@juancruzcaceresmiranda3050]

I'm having this topic in class and this video was very helpfull

[@PurpleMonkeyWoodo]

Such dedication that they took 19 years to film this video!

[@mephistophelesthesilentchi3446]

Nice video, but few people have the patience required to either express or hear the reasons behind our petulant tendencies.

[@superflysquirrel]

One of my favorites thus far. Thank you 💘

[@user-oj3vv1yz5w]

I lie to everybody. Not all the time but to the point where sometimes it comes back to bite me. When I was a kid I learned that telling the truth meant getting hurt so I learned to lie to at least delay the pain. Now anytime I'm confronted I can't defend myself. I lie my way out of things all the time even if I will be found out the moment I'm gone. I don't even have to think about it.

[@Roan7995]

Pretty sure I've been subjecting everyone in my life to some insane levels of transference for years. Gonna have to work on that.

[@millievanilli4287]

Excellent very helpful thank you.

[@tanzeelamariam1356]

It's weird how I went through this today and found this video right now!

[@CJLinOHIO]

Thank you very much for another great video. Helpful to make me understand myself and others better.

[@youprobably4671]

Thank you Mr de Botton. Remember to take holidays yourself. I'm afraid the problems of society might be a big burden for you alone to think about.

[@penglingwhisperer3382]

How do we deal with childhood trauma we have no memory of but know it happened? I’m extremely avoidant but the trauma was during infancy so i can’t talk it out or reflect. And how can we know just how much of our life is affected by it?

[@TheChrizKid]

God, this was incredible. Fantastic job, to everyone involved

[@Samrei3]

The flashback scene made me cry immediately.

[@405pranavghandade7]

But not everybody wants to/understands how we feel they just say ,"your problem deal with it" or "so what should I do?" Or even "why are you telling me that?". So transference will still exist inevitably we will be taken as strange or mean as mentioned in the video. Maybe I guess it's kind of filter that pushes out the wrong people of our life out. This is something till this day I was worried about but hopefully all people experience it at some point in their life. Well i knew WHY I doing it but now I also know WHAT I was doing, what is it called that i was doing. THANKS VERY MUCH SCHOOL OF LIFE i am indebted to you. Something I would have never learned in school. -after watching the video which showed me the light.

[@lascelthem.b.a.6117]

I just did a video on my channel about this subject in the relationship dynamic a week ago. I wish i had seen this content before i did. It gave me a great insight as to the bigger picture. Love the video!

[@Jules-ew4ly]

My only problem with these videos is that for non native english speakers like me and probably more since I am a fairly quick reader, is that the text bits disappear way too quickly. I am only at 3/4 and have to pause and rewind to read it fully. It is not the end of the world.. It just bugs me The rest is perfect!😘

[@giuliac7177]

im so thankful i stumbled apon this channel and have learnt so much

[@TheRealZakzor]

And we need people that listens and understand

[@orianarodriguez298]

Ok i cried with this

[@Rashida_S]

I love how the mother looked so similar to the girlfriend. Stuck on the past and his childhood quite a bit there so it seems. Another topic for another episode eh, school of life??

[@cinnamon9390]

You guys should do a video on EMDR!

[@WWZenaDo]

I found this video to be extremely useful. However, one can only discuss the transference if one is aware of the abuses one was subjected to, in childhood. Heavily abused children often cannot remember their own childhoods, walking around in a highly reactive state with no conscious understanding of the unknown, unrecognized & unresolved abuses that are triggering their present-day & inappropriate reactions.

[@hazimali7744]

WWZenaDo knowledge of the past's interference with our present is itself an impetus for introspection. The curse is not broken when one finds an unequivocal casual link between a childhood memory and a present-day behavior, but rather when one engages in reflexive thought and self-analysis, looking inwards (for awareness) rather than outwards (for approval)

[@lilquartz]

clicked for title, unexpectedly stayed for Rich !

[@zachariahstovall1744]

i was such a mean hateful person before i discovered this channel. i can still be that way but i am slowly getting better.

[@Ankhakaru]

"Why does daddy have to be so far away from us?" -thats what I want to save my son from; she won't let me though. ;-(

[@chessguru900]

I don't entirely agree with that defintion of transference. I suppose it all depends of what kind of transference are we referreing to.

[@8iaventri999]

Maybe I haven't quite understood you, but if a word does not have inherent meaning, then how can there be disagreement on the definition of that word? What I'm trying to ask is if your disagreement is semantic or pragmatic; if you believe the topic of the video should be explained using a different word, or if the word has another meaning?

[@NickRossi]

Wow, this was surprisingly powerful. Thank you so much for sharing

[@LunyMilky]

This touched me like freakin' burning iron... So true

[@okaywhynot4728]

Well, that's how to deal with it with a long-term partner. What if it's something I have to work on for myself and keeping it under control if I'm meeting new people?

[@debjitbera]

Really a wonderful presentation...Thank You School of Life!!

[@thaais08]

Great video. Unfortunately it's too late for me and I can barely handle the pain, hopefully time will heal this wound 💔

[@JenDoe1]

T B Time and talking with someone (if you feel that's possible) will heal ❤️

[@thaais08]

Hello Jennifer! I do have a therapist and she helps me a lot.. it's just harder some days but I will go through it. Thank you for taking your time to respond me. I appreciate you! Hugs from Brazil 💋