What Needs Do You Actually Need Your Partner to Meet?

Humans need more than just food and water to thrive. We need to feel accepted as our authentic selves, we need to feel safe, we need continual security.
We need to have a place to belong where we have deep connections and friendships. We need to have purpose beyond survival and for our self-worth to be encouraged and appreciated.
We need pleasure and physical affection, along with inspiration towards beauty and for our hopes and passions to be nurtured.
Tim Fletcher has identified 12 Basic Needs that must be met so that someone can grow into a healthy and self-sustaining individual. But most who grow up in a home with Complex Trauma were not taught about all of their needs or how to meet them in healthy ways. Instead, they learned to adapt to meet their needs and have suffered significantly as a result, or, they’ve gone into codependent relationships, searching for another person to meet their needs for them.
Learning these needs and how to implement them into your life will change your future. We have programs and resources for you to explore at timfletcher.ca
#healthy #healing #relationships #mentalhealth #complextrauma #addictionrecovery #addiction #complextraumarecovery #cbt #timfletcher #fy #fyp #mentalhealthawareness #shorts #healingcomplextrauma #signsofhealing #narcissism #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticabuserecovery #recovery #basicneeds #12basicneeds

[@user-tr7yg7zo3j]

I was lucky to find my soul mate of 25 years. It was love at first sight and based on passion, admiration, affection and friendship. I also think lifestyle and similar interests are important. We were both artists/writers/and had the experience of being professional counselors. We were also both deeply romantic. We cherished the relationship. We did not bicker or insult each other. We had fun together. Every time he walked in the door, I felt joy. I wish this for everyone.

[@justmemother2]

In other words, one whole person, marrying another whole person. I hardly ever see that. Ever.

[@punyashloka4946]

Very rare actually, many people don't have that. Majority of people are dealing with there own issues.

[@amandaredeagle9572]

A genuine embrace. When that’s too much to ask for, there is no relationship

[@HeyCoachBarbara]

I love the simple breakdown. This is a great way to determine what your relationship goals are really about. We should all strive to meet our own needs and not place so much responsibility on others.

[@punyashloka4946]

Ok but there are others need like financial stability, reliable relationships specially if you decide to have kids, you are going to need someone one who can provide and another who can raise the children.

[@shyamalidasgupta671]

Friendship - is the need

[@jasminebarratt1809]

Friendship and empathy is necessary.

[@maggie6152]

This gets a little more complex and nuanced when things like disability, chronic illness, or old age enter the picture.

[@KDBee-ri5hi]

True but many people get into relationships looking for a maid, nanny, sexual partner or to fill a void that another person can not fill. Like I tell my young adult daughters, look for someone who compliments you (not verbal compliments but you bring out the best in each other), don't look for someone to fill or complete you. You are already whole.

[@amygerstle2037]

Thank you for bringing up other things like illness especially when you are older. Even if it is simple as showing care and empathy asking how they are feeling or if they need anything.

[@realjasoncart]

The things I'm missing from a partner is companionship

[@sarahjmount9221]

Right on, Tim! Though I don’t know how much stock can be put in having a “soul mate” if they even exist….Everything you said is true, as usual. The right, healthy partner should only enhance your already established life and being as it is. Being with someone for their friendship, companionship, understanding and so on is what it’s about. You really can’t afford to “need” anyone for anything in a romantic relationship.

[@michaelspadafino3257]

Everyone saying friendship. Friends are for friendship. You need to be on the same exact page with your exclusive dealer in intimacy. Prioritize intimacy match in choosing a MATE or you will suffer from not having your needs met or feeling overwhelmed from constantly having to meet your partners intimacy needs. “Understanding” does not lessen desire.

[@agatamakulska4442]

Exactly, I can cook I can clean I can survive, all I need is a soulmate. Ocasionally my partner can help me with some physical work or so, just support. I was a cook, a cleaner and nothing else. He never supported or defended me or stood by, maybe few times, pathetic.

[@susimuller6317]

Men should stop thinking that woman would own them something just because they have a relationship. Once a men told me "I wish you would take the pill" I told him "Well, I wish you would get a lobotomy, but it doesn't seem like anyone of us will get what we want". That was the end of it. If you want a relationship today you have to be your partners best friend, lover, and the person that really wants the best for him or her. If you can't realise that, you can't have a relationship.

[@LaFonteCheVi]

You seem toxic.

[@susimuller6317]

@@LaFonteCheVi Interesting idea, do you think wanting to force someone to risk their health just for your own fun isn't?

[@DaveE99]

Sex is the whole reason we do everything else in life basically

[@PrincessDollieBunnie]

@@DaveE99 Speak for yourself.

[@DaveE99]

@@PrincessDollieBunnie life revolves around survival and reproduction needs with Attachment mediating the two.

[@nancyhjort5348]

I appreciate this input. I grew up in a religion where most everything was the woman's job. After an 8 hr day, a man's time was his own to pursue his hobbies. I didn't agree with the feminist movement, but I understood the anger women were experiencing with their endless jobs. I realize that men have their own opposite experience.

[@princesspinball]

You forget someone to love and be loved of

[@CompostWatcher]

I’ve been severely trained not to expect anything.

[@stephbyerly9491]

Yes but I also need someone to reach the top shelves and lift heavy things 😂

[@allp5347]

" yes"!" Maybe for" emergency contact " purposes would be nice too! 🙏😅🙏

[@baeconater8]

This is what destroyed marriage though. Our grandparents stayed together because they needed each other for survival. We no longer need each other so no one fights for their partner or decide to never marry.

[@NeptuneRising888]

You have to want the person, most importantly like them

[@KDBee-ri5hi]

I understand what you both are saying. So often women marry to be married not because they really like the man. They are more in love with an idea vs person. But with the same token people hit middle age, the children go off to college or just move out and the parents just get divorced vs adapting to their new norm and focus on themselves AND each other. They invested so much into their children and so little into the marriage they just don't care about each other.

[@plo5311]

My life story ​@@KDBee-ri5hi

[@flowerpower4944]

Thats true thats so healthy,,,👍

[@orana1133]

This 💫

[@TheGuyWithFunny]

Yeah

[@georgiewatson8688]

And it's exactly this why so much resentment can build up in relationships. When, usually the man, hasn't a clue how to cook or clean and why? Becsuse they're mummy's boys but why do women who have boys treat them like that and yet if they have girls they raise them to be independent! This has baffled me for years. Either stop fawning over your male children or bring back national service

[@daebak_hana]

🎯🎯🎯 this is true in so many cultures and families. Parents esp women need to raise sons to be someone's husband, not a mama's boy

[@ellejee74]

​@@daebak_hanaExactly, this is how I raised my son, I would tell him when he was younger "I do these things for you bc I love you and I'm your mom, but don't expect when your older for your wife to do these things", I reminded him often bc his dad was a mommas boy and couldn't do nothing for hisself, it worked my son is an amazing husband and father now, and him and his wife have a beautiful relationship, and me and his father are no longer together...🤭👏✌🙏

[@KDBee-ri5hi]

Exactly! I think parents, especially now days, forget that they are raising future adults.

[@myhalowithin]

Relational Fellowship

[@Soibottleditup]

This is some nuclear truth! Boom! 💥

[@raxtoma5309]

I need a partner for: 1. A soulmate. To have an intimate bond, ti share a life and to value him as a person and be valued by him. 2. Sex. 3. Safety. Partner is an ally who could give support and get support from me.

[@Adagiowellness]

Its interdependency.

[@HarryBarker-yp1xv]

It is horribly sad when you watch a codependent lose a mate.

[@ToyaFoster]

Finally

[@deborahgloria3867]

I believe this

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Basically means most people aren't in a healthy relationship (if in one at all.)

[@jonathanlefkowitz3515]

Is sexual needs included?

[@hekiviachumi4927]

So true

[@sini573rfox7]

Cool so my wife can change her own flat tyre and build that deck she’s always wanted….

[@fairygurl9269]

Yep I Restore Homes For a Living and If I Need Help I Will Hire Actual "Professional" Services Thats Licensed and Insured👍 You Can Do the Same If You Aren't Confident On How to Wash Your Own Dishes. Gender Isnt An Excuse Not to Do What Needs To Get Did ....

[@emanuelabarani6570]

Other people already know how to do that, she can ask those.

[@curlymissy]

Love this

[@charlottetaylor4471]

I think what he's saying is a bit idealistic. Ideally, we should all be 100% and simply enhance each other, but that's not really how humans ever are.

[@TheClaxative]

That's so good...

[@claireryan811]

Mmm.... Even within relationship neediness is unhealthy.

[@sassylife8687]

❣💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯❣

[@middledog466]

how does this tie in with disability ? some of the examples at the end, i have family who cannot do some of these things for themselves. naturally, their spouses fill that role. i'm genuinely curious

[@maggie6152]

I posted another comment on this exactly. There's a LOT more complexity when those things enter or are already in the picture. I think it actually improves and deepens the relationship if you have some things you depend on each other for. But he could discuss this in the full video.

[@insertmyidentityhere]

I need a sugar daddy stat…😂

[@kathy1001]

❤❤

[@KDBee-ri5hi]

Unfortunately many if us were brought up that we are the servent/giver and husband is the receiver. In this day and age where both people work the task of taking care of the home should be a mutual responsibility and not strictly be placed on the woman.

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Demand that then, respect yourself. I've never done that for a man - my relationships are always 50/50.

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@irfanalam287]

I have benefited a lot from your talks as part of my healing process but slowly releasing what I’m seeking cant be found in this world. That place is called paradise and not earth. And who defines what healthy is out of the two people. ?

[@user-qt9or4xu9l]

I feel bad I not feel asleep watching you. I do this much affliction I still not welcome want anger nor reguard it ..

[@jameswilkerson4412]

At first, I thought you meant very few *emotional* needs, which is just swinging from telling people not to be anxiously attached to saying they need to be avoidably so

[@sdjnjferri]

God doesn't need us but we need God. We have a relationship with him as a bride to a husband. So if that relationship is supposed to be an example of an earthly marriage, what is a healthy earthly marriage supposed to be like?

[@TXDHC]

My husband of 42 yrs had to start wearing a bell because he’s quite stealth. My startling became 10x worse after we retired and he would quietly come up behind me in to us a new house. I finally figured out it was a trauma response from CPTSD. So he came up with a rather nice jungle bell he has on a lanyard. It’s just enough sound that I know he’s approaching.

[@eefangelina]

Menn and woman are not equal. To build a family. Maintain the kids. Is a lot of work alone. In my hrandma,s time woman stayed at home with kids Pa was working.

[@syzygy4365]

You left out the most vital part. What about the kids.

[@Mattie-lk1xj]

I don't need my husband, for nothing. He's in the way.

[@AstrologicalTarot]

As a female millennial who grew up in church, I played every role until I said enough. How many women in this thread are divorced because their now ex-husbands refused to take responsibility for their own adult financial, mental, emotional, spiritual, and basic physical needs? I'm genuinely curious.

[@Mitaka.Kotsuka]

thats just BS man

[@antoniodg2673]

So live separate lives other than when having sex.. I like that.

[@EerybodyIsAnnoying]

Reallyyy??!?! You didn't consider emotional support, having deep conversations(and any conversation), hugs, caring about eachother's wellbeing, knowing that someone cares for your wellbeing? Do you not consider those to be needs?

[@daebak_hana]

​@@EerybodyIsAnnoyingso many ppl think intimacy = sex 🫤

[@antoniodg2673]

@@EerybodyIsAnnoying....NAH

[@charlottetaylor4471]

You can get all that from genuine friendship.