What's Next? Grief and Loss

[@debranicholson9223]

I was moms 24/7 caregiver for 15 years. She died at home july5th this year. Now my world has turned upside down. My brother and I have just listed the home and I'm living here still until it is sold. What a lonely process. I still wake up with a startle sometimes thinking she's still here and I've neglected to check on her. How many tears can one cry?

[@mariusnel8129]

I'm sorry for your massive lost 💔

[@JT-py7ze]

I am sorry for your loss, girlfriend of 25 years caregiver 24/7 last 2 plus years passed 3-6-23. I break down in tears in unexpected places, the parking lot of best buy this weekend, work . We can stay strong, but can never expect the grief to ever end in the remainder of our life

[@raew5263]

Your are telling my story from 2 years ago. I had to move away to heal. Mom’s absence was haunting me in that town w/so many reminders. We were very close so her passing hit me very hard. Grief just changed in intensity. It never really goes away. I cried a River of tears the first year + still cry daily 😢 It’s so final. We are changed forever. 🙏🏻

[@lauriemtz8616]

I’m sorry for your loss. Blessings to you as you continue to heal

[@gabrielchastain5241]

Eating dinner by myself. We always had dinner together my Mom and me. It’s been 3 months since her passing. It doesn’t get any easier. We did everything together. On March 13th one day before her birthday,71, she shot herself directly in front of me. I am forever traumatized by this. And 2 months later my dad passed away in nursing home at 89.I’m all alone

[@suehildreth3998]

I can’t cook at all, I used to Do this for the two of us. I miss his companionship. I lost my Mum and my husband within the same year, I’m no longer a wife or daughter, I’ve lost the people that looked after me😭🤗

[@Prettymapleleaf]

You are absolutely still a wife and a daughter. You still have you to look after you and it sounds like you also took care of them so you know how to take care of yourself. Cooking will return…give yourself all the time you need. So sorry for your losses.

[@carolmusselman8859]

I'm grieving the loss of my Mom too, I'm lost lonely and struggling with depression

[@donnamcclendon4128]

All of these are so true but one you didn’t mention was a loss of our friends. They just disappeared. Our two grown children both returned to their homes in far away states and just went on with their lives after the loss of their dad. That one was a big surprise and feels like another loss.

[@damaris7687]

Losing relationships with people who didn't support me. Thank you for showing me that this was my secondary loss

[@narbelethderaude9043]

Lost both parents in 2020 and my only brother in 2021. I am unable to move on, feel like I lost my identity. I’m married and I have a child and everyone keeps telling me you’re not alone you have your family, but I feel fluctuating as my feet lost their ground.

[@TheRedhatsociety]

I can relate.

[@MagsChase1229]

Take it one hour at a time. Those people are NOT listening to you. You are grieving and going thru all this lost. This is a good video, I am too going thru it w/ last parent who passed. Now, I know coworkers who have lost family member. One lady, When I gave her a hug, she held onto me. She gave me thank you note and hugged again. She lost her spouse.

[@wendystevenson6726]

I have been searching for this comfort and understanding for so long. Thank you Jo❤ my dearest husband was my one and only, my rock,my life. At this time I struggle with anxiety and loneliness. Like so many I’ve lost my world,my normal. I tried to explain how I felt to a friend. It’s like waking up one day in a different country not knowing their language,not knowing where you are and told find your way back home. Your videos are helping me I am so grateful that I found you❤

[@SHEGOI]

My wife died three years ago after 63 years of marriage and I’ve never been so alone in my entire life. My children come by just as the neighbors do but I feel I’m just killing time. I would like to hold her in my arms and tell her I love her but…my how such actions mean so much 🥸

[@marija2387]

2 years after my husband's death, I still can't cook for one and if I cook, I don't want to sit and eat alone.

[@marceapardus6526]

Ohhhh my heartbreaks everyday over the death of my best friend husband, 45 years together. My biggest secondary loss is the loss of my daughter & son, they are mid-thirty grown ups with spouses & the daughter has 4 children, my grand kiddos. They live very far away & are so “busy” they don’t have time for me. They have watched me handle things with their Dad, so even though I ask for what I need, they don’t respond or step up. So it feels like the death of my whole family, it hurts to the core. I really thought all of my family & in laws would attend in some way, I feel very unloved & now trying to move along but I don’t know which path to take. Thanks for the great videos, Jo, I always appreciate what you have to say. I get more out of you than my local grief counselor. Blessings as we journey on ✨🦋✨

[@sherrycortese5856]

I relate to what you have articulated. Lots of similarities. Simple expectations have been dashed & the hurt is overwhelming. A phone call. A text. Are those things really that taxing?

[@jeannettecatchpaugh5769]

Why do they distance themselves from us,one friend said it was because they don't want you to be sad if they talk about their dad,We were married for 62 wonderful years. I just don't believe that excuse. Not looking for sympathy just empathy. So sad.

[@susanbusby46]

Lost my husband 4 months ago. Married for 57 years. Health reasons gave us 22 years of retirement doing most things together. Your description of secondary loss is so meaningful to me. Will never forget the experience of supermarket shopping alone, as we had enjoyed doing this together. Seeing his favourite foods. Brought on the tears. Experiencing this daily with so many things. Your videos are so very helpful to me, thank you.

[@carolmusselman8859]

I'm grieving the death of my Mom and it is hard, I lived with her and I miss her

[@tinastablein9529]

Going to the store. Christmas all

[@jeannettecatchpaugh5769]

I know just what you mean was married 62 wonderful years married at 18. Lost my heart in May to Alzheimer. Went shopping and had a terrible trigger at a bunch of radishes..was something he enjoyed...

[@jeannettecatchpaugh5769]

Thank you you are a very good grief counselor you are helping me to see the light again.

[@JT-py7ze]

Broke down in best buy parking lot this weekend just happened sitting in our truck, girlfriend of 25 years passed 3-6-23. Our truck meaning. Hers and mine

[@patriciagray3779]

We were married for 47 years. he was my best friend and soul mate and died with very little warning in 2011. I deal with secondary losses by first thinking “What would Frank do?” Then I think “Can l do that or do I need to find a tradesman, friend or neighbour to give sensible advice or help?” Sometimes nowadays l am unable to perform tasks I previously dealt with (due to age and health issues), so I look for a ‘plan B’ that will achieve my goal via a different route. Some tasks are currently on plan C or D! I know he is safe with his Saviour and we will be reunited one day, but it is the small practical tasks that he would have fixed in a truce that reignite the grief of his loss. I trust God to take care of me each day.

[@scorchedgorse2649]

God, at the minute so many things are / or feel like secondary losses. I'm noticing a deeper finite realisation that I'm alone now. It's rocking me to my core. From the get go supermarkets are a challenge to navigate without some inner meltdown. He loved cooking and buying little tidbits or delicacies to enhance, garnish or augment a meal. How can 4 raw lamb cutlets in the meat aisle fridge evoke such a tsunami of grief? Well they can and do. It's a cliché to say, yet it's true, there are so many 'firsts' hurdles to jump, and then relive and relive and relive too it seems. Sharing of everything, the little things is gone, a flower blooming is such a delight yet also now another cruel pinch to the flesh of my heart. If he wasn't with me, if he was in having chemo treatment, I'd ring him and send him a photo of it. He'd do similarly to me. The garden is FULL of sore nasty pinches in the shape of nature's delights. My dogs do something sweet and I turn to share the laugh with him, no one is there. My car needs oil, I'm not sure what to do and want him to advise me. I feel so feel rudderless. Sometimes, I'm walking or driving or sitting or thinking or whatever and this chasm seems to open up and I feel like I might fall right down through the universe and out the other end, and the truly frightening part is it would happen without him. Bloody everything some days, most days in some shape or form. My soundboard, my friend, my love, my bicker partner, my private joke partner, the person who truly saw the best and very worst of me is gone. I can't hear him calling me by his pet name for me now. Still, I call him by his into the empty air and hope desperately for an echo or reply . I accept the reality sometimes. Yet, this feeling that it's just some surreal and twisted game and that he's about to return but isn't just floors me. This grief business is not for the fainthearted. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel. How can there be? I am grateful and thankful for so, so much in my life and all the while grief runs alongside like a relentless raging river. Thanks for the space to rant, Jo.

[@lisabennett1253]

WOW!

[@lozb1631]

much love x

[@Jo-im6iz]

Hi SG! Thank you for another open hearted sharing of your experiences. I can identify with the first times and the ones that follow as they become a reluctant part of your life. I experienced them many years ago when choosing to leave a relationship, so therefore not as a result of my daughters passing. A year on from my loss the "secondaries " are all around as my daughter was my main person. I tended her grave today and returned home as dumb struck as ever, despite her passing being somewhat anticipated. I at least take some solace in knowing that we are here for each other. love to all x

[@scorchedgorse2649]

@@Jo-im6iz thank you. I'm glad you too are finding some solace in the space you have created here for us here. I talk to myself and my partner in the car, in the house on walks. It's generally into the ether. I don't find it easy to express the full range of my grief because it's not easy for people to hold and isn't what most want from an encounter. I will say it's hard though. Here, it's easier to let go a bit, so thank you for that. Holding you in my thoughts after your visit to your daughter's grave.

[@Jo-im6iz]

@@scorchedgorse2649 Hi SG, Thank you for your reply. Just to say I'm not the lovely Jo who created this wonderful site but another Jo. I hope that you/we all have a peaceful day. Sending love x

[@vdp131]

The timing of finding this video has come at an important time for me. It has been 20 months since I lost my son. I lost my sister... Hopefully not forever. I don't think she could cope of fix my grief and anger so she left. I also lost the majority of my extended family. Everyone back away... "if you need me let me know" that sentence freed them. With the exception of my daughter I grieved alone. It's hard not to blame myself.

[@kathleenhensley5951]

Thanks for reminding me I need to change the filter... winter is coming and I am running the heat constantly... 8 degrees a night a day or two ago. There has been all kinds of chores and duties I've been doing. We had just retired in 2015. We were always very happily married, 44 yrs. We literally bought our dream home out in a rural area with 10 gorgeous acres. We had such dreams. I never drove - we lived in a large mega-city and were saving money. A second car didn't make sense. I could go anywhere on mass transit and He would drive me pretty much anywhere I wanted to go. Now, I am learning to drive. I'm 71. I'm very small (4 ft 8 inches) and I can't get the Christmas decorations down, I've bought a truck because of I need to do chores and have striven to fix it so I can reach everything I need to.. Recently, one of our hens died, Bernice. A barred Rock girl who was not only pretty, no bad habits and a good producer of eggs...She was a part of my old life was falling from me. I'm being stripped slowly of my past... I know this irrational, I know he is gone. I even know his soul is safe in the halls of light ... but Bernice's death hit me. Part of it was our chickens was his project and responsibility, mostly. Part of it is I haven't a clue why she died. It was my responsibility. I keep telling myself she was just a 6 yr old hen... I feel foolish, but human emotion is like this.. we can't always be rational. I have been hiding myself from my neighbors for a few days. I just don't want them to see how I've responded. I've got all the signs of the real serious shock. I have to force myself to live on.Dear old Bernice is replaceable but her meaning in my life can't be. Old age is like this.

[@grieftherapist]

Nothing about Grief is rational or linear...Honouring your partner and Bernice and your dedication to learning to drive. ❤️

[@ClaudiaCrisp]

My husband died in 2021 from covid ...he was great in everything he was doing ...he could fix everything...we married for 21 years , I am from a diferent country than him and when I married him I came , in USA , now him dead I fell I lost so much ...my security, he kept me grounded I learned so much from him, I lost him been the father of my kids , teaching his boys how to become young man , ...I lost my peace , and balance ...alredy 2 years of his losse and the place he loved , the garage still remind me of him and I can't do anything there or change it ...uhhhhh...I miss him so much...

[@megmaryatt8883]

My husband passed on July 16, 2022. We had been together for 18 years, but only just got married in January of this year. What really caught me off guard was reading in one of the documents (not sure which) that the 'marriage ended' with his death. I will always consider myself married to Phil, and plan on wearing my wedding ring for the foreseeable future. It helps me to stay connected to him. But those words 'marriage ended' really got to me.

[@etaylor728]

I lost my husband of 33 years in May, 2022 very unexpectedly. In addition to other household maintenance tasks, I am now the gardner, irrigation expert, financial analyst/investor, daily money manager, A/C heating expert, automobile maintenance expert and so much more. Not to mention the change in relationships with friends and family. I really hadn't thought about all of the secondary losses --I knew I had all the responsibilities but never categorized them as such. This video was very insightful and I'm going to create my bullseye to help me better understand why I might cry having to replace the A/C filter.

[@HomeSweerHome]

I totally understand. 😢 I feel as though I died when Husband died. People disappear. I wasn’t prepared that my in-laws of 43 years would no longer reach out. I remind them that he’s gone. So lonely.

[@sandraduffy8053]

I lost my husband May 30, 2022. 9 days after his 62nd birthday. Heart attack. We had just retired and built a house in a Beach community where we both wanted to be. I suddenly realized that I had 2 losses in less than a year. Not only did I lose my husband but I lost my life that I knew and suddenly find myself navigating a new way of life ALONE. One day at a time and videos like this are what keep me going. Thank you deeply. 😔

[@magdalenabendova1]

My secondary loss after the death of my Mum was loosing the only person who understood every state of my mind. I could share practically everything with her and no one can replace her. And it took me several months, actually until the moment I finally had the opportunity to go to her village and see the house in which we have spent many happy vacations together to start accepting she was gone, but to also realise our bond was not broken. So I go on speaking to her the way I would if she was there.

[@craftygirl17]

I can relate to this, my mom was the same I could talk to her about anything and everything, that is my secondary loss to. And her phone call every night. I wish I could pick up the phone to talk to her whenever life throws very tough things at me, like losing my brother in-law to suicide, my son relapsing, the list goes on. Fear comes with grief not have that security anymore of my mom.

[@magdalenabendova1]

@@craftygirl17 Oh, Sandy, my heart goes out to you. We have to cope, but as one good friend said very poignantly “life goes on, but only we know how.” Big hug!

[@TheRedhatsociety]

I believe I am there now... only two months have passed. She was my mother, but also my best friend. In a month me and my sister will go to our vacation home together, for the first time.

[@magdalenabendova1]

@@TheRedhatsociety I’m so sorry for your loss. You are lucky to have a place to go with your sister, it’s going to be bittersweet, but I believe it will both do you good - when I went to my mum’s house in the village she was born for the first time, I was afraid, but I found a beginning of peace there.

[@Laurie_Tinsley]

I am thankful that my husband taught me a lot of skills before his passing. He forced me to be independent, which I am now grateful for. My biggest secondary loss is the lawncare. We own 6 acres of land, which 2 of those acres need mowing. I never had the guts to learn how to drive a 360 commercial size lawn mower, so I had to hire a lawncare service to start mowing my lawn. I did swap the 360 lawn mower for a riding lawn mower and I think I will be able to handle it much better than a huge 360. BUT, I work so much that I don't have the time to mow and to be honest, it is a chore I do not want to take on. Fixing things, changing filters, etc , You Tube is great for. You can learn almost anything on there. Thank goodness I had a husband that said "come here, you are going to have to learn how to do this on your own one day". He was right and I appreciate all of the skills he taught me.

[@annidee]

He tended to collect things (major understatement) and trying to organize the parts, for example- is this a radio part, a gun part, a computer part, a car or boat part??? Thank God his friend is helping. I’d be utterly “lost”, and that’s one of many losses. 😢🥺Thank you

[@kathleenhensley5951]

My man was the same way in a lot of ways...I don't know if I'll ever be able to clear out his study. Especially computer parts. He's assemble our computers. I've got to learn how to update the operating system of my computers... he always started the process for me.

[@sarasmith19]

I threw away thousand of hand tools .

[@sarasmith19]

Lost my best friend who was his best friend . People don't get it . Haven't just lost him but my entire way of life . I am so lonely . He got diagnosed the day of lockdown . I'm a great actress however , and no one knows my pain . The grief overwhelms me daily . I have reached out to grief groups but it seems they only want me come to their church . I'm just so lonely .

[@laurelcism5449]

My parents passed away in 2009 and 2011. Needing to ask them important questions, wanting to share something exciting or funny about my day then remembering (again) that they're gone.

[@willareeneacealbertini975]

You really hit the nail on the head. Why it’s so grievous to change the darn filters. One of many ripples. Today, l will change the filters, put the new license plate on the car. It’s my new reality. I will draw the circles in my journal. So many ripples to name.l think l have been waiting for an imaginary “fix it” person to show up and do all these tasks. I need to face my new reality better. TFS❤

[@ednataylor1194]

I hadn’t considered secondary losses but this video hit the nail on the head. It’s the new sense of being totally responsible for everything that scares me. He’s not here to give advice or sort out the car or pay the bills. I had to take care of a huge spider, something he would have done while I ran away and hid. It’s the silly things and big things and no one to talk to that grow more difficult every day. He’s gone 8 months now and it just gets harder and is achingly lonely.

[@craftygirl17]

A sense of safety is one big one since I lost my mom, because of my health issues. And someone to turn to when other deaths have happened my mom was my comfort my safety net for everything, my legs get tense when I need my mom or when I’m really stressed I don’t have her to have mother daughter talks.

[@judygrubaugh5424]

Thank you. When so much loss happens, rapidly and constantly for several years, it takes time to get to these secondary losses. They have been coming, for me, in sudden realization of my real circumstances; which are not dire, but feel like hot desert wind in my face. I have experienced this huge breathlessness for almost 3 years, as I continue to discover how much of that which was me and my life, has gone missing. I'm relentlessly doing the work to survive......still feels like daily dying on the inside. This was very insightful....now if I old just feel the energy to move through this.

[@pjlee2053]

So many secondary losses, the main ones are having to do all the things he did like cooking and grocery shopping and helping take care of our dog and financial loss. Everything is now my responsibility. Plus the intense feeling of vulnerability in life......he knew me better than anyone in my life. His companionship is becoming more an intense loss every day.

[@titapelle219]

Wow you wrote my lines. Sorry for your loss

[@pjlee2053]

@@titapelle219 sending hugs

[@maryannehaffner3294]

I am now the single mom of two dogs. It takes a lot of energy to care for them which I am most happy to do. Wish Dan were here to help me. The furnace filter made me smile. I have to do the heat pump one which is in the ceiling. Takes a lot of courage for me to stand on a step ladder and change it monthly.

[@scorchedgorse2649]

I'm a single mum of two dogs too and am in the process of adopting a third. I wonder will I become A Dog Lady who the authorities eventually visit to curb my dog hoarding 🤗😢🙃😬. I'm so sorry for your loss. Mind yourself climbing ladders alone (said she who hung out of the fascias on a ladder cleaning them and the soffits recently).

[@qeytmyok2473]

Please take care of yourself sending you love, light ,healing and most important be careful on the step ladder....

[@maryannehaffner3294]

@@qeytmyok2473 ,found a friend who can change the filter for me. Lesson learned: ask for help.

[@qeytmyok2473]

@@maryannehaffner3294 🙂good.may the good God bless us all🙏

[@debbiedrummond9761]

Companionship is and was my greatest secondary loss. We were such a team.

[@yokimawhittaker5193]

I can't put my son down for an emergency contact on a job application or any form asking for an emergency contact. Now I have to think of an emergency contact. That's not a good feeling at all to not have family to list as an emergency contact

[@dotthompson9146]

Thank you for explaining secondary grief I can relate to everyone that as sent comments I lost my son just before Christmas it’s been six months I miss him so much he was my life I am so lost and lonely without him don’t feel that I have any reason to go on living as life as become so unbearable for me and feel totally lost and lonely

[@maryevelyn3059]

A month ago I lost my sister who was my best friend and confidant. She and her husband were married almost 45 years. A tragic house fire took them. Shock and disbelief are still in my heart and mind. Secondary losses are my nieces and nephews and the grandchildren who are all out of state but having my sister kept me close by telling me their daily fun and lives. That is lost now and I'm very sad. I can't imagine what the hurt is for their children and grandchildren. I reach out and let them know I love them. That's all I can do. Thank you for your help with this awful experience.

[@titapelle219]

Thank you for giving it a name and an explanation to what I am now experiencing after the passing of my husband. Good video

[@susanwilliams70]

The loss of my two sisters are bringing a lot of secondary losses (sitting & talking with each of them in different settings & about different subjects). The chance to visit each in their homes & sit with them in their backyards & just enjoy the beautiful summer weather we are now enjoying...makes me nostalgic.

[@lorrainehood3787]

My secondary loss is a second loss in 13months. My mom's passing May 8th 2021 and on June 10th this year I had to say good bye to my best fur friend Jackson. My dog I rescued 9 yrs ago and Jo you may remember me saying how he rescued me. He was my companion and we went and did all of our adventures together. The 2 losses now melt together in a very wide bull's eye. Jo your video's always seem to reach me when I need them the most.xo 🙏💔

[@Jo-im6iz]

Sorry for your losses Lorraine. X

[@carolmusselman8859]

I'm grieving the death of my Mom on 5/1 and she was 88, I lived with her and I miss her

[@grieftherapist]

I remember hearing about Jackson. 🐾🌈❤️

[@idahospudgirlidahospudgirl4998]

My secondary loss of texting back and forth my now deceased daughter was a huge loss, I miss that communication we had daily

[@craftygirl17]

Me and my siblings are selling my moms home, and it’s bringing up more grief, it’s been six years since moms been gone, is this secondary loss it’s making me feel anxious and like I’m grieving all over again and I just lost my brother in-law in April and his Celebration of Live is July 9 and feeling anxiety, they couldn’t get a venue till then because everything was booked because of everything opening up again it was hard to get a place so we had to wait till July for his service. I just want it over with. I’ve had so much death in the past six years I feel like I’m going crazy. Two other family members one in Sept. one other in 2018 which was very traumatic. I’m not sleeping the med I’m taking doesn’t work anymore. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in 2012 and wasn’t coping with this diagnosis, so I’ve been on Clonazapam since then and hasn’t worked in quite a few years.

[@mchurch3905]

Here’s my list: I lost my best Black Lab, Oct. 12, 2021 after 13 years, 1 month, and 1 day. I lost my son-in-law, who took his own life last June after struggling with alcoholism his entire adult life, found by my Granddaughter, his daughter, at 12 years old. I lost my sister to pancreatic cancer this past October, and my wife of 52 years to Memory Care last January. And just about didn’t make it because of exhaustion related pneumonia around the same time. And now it’s likely Medicaid will jerk the house I built in 1983, out from under me to pay for her care. Just about don’t want to be here any more.

[@Kay-pb8tm]

Going through so many of these. This is so spot on what I'm going through. New skills in learning nearly everyday. Thank you for speaking about this very important part of grief 😢 i find it overwhelming 😢

[@JaneGibbons-x3x]

In 2022 l lost my much loved and best friend sister suddenly. Two days later l found l had no money , my daughter defrauded me. Consequently loosing her and my grand children . Then if that wasn't bad enough, my Brother dropped dead in his driveway. All of this in six weeks. How on earth can life ever be good again....

[@terrydaniels9126]

Sheed lots. Tears had move lost a lot most all miss her by my side

[@santievandermerwe]

Last year my mother in law, my mother and my father passed away within three months. A month later my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I lost him three months ago. Since he died I am struggling to complete the most basic tasks. Add on to that the tasks I had to take over from him, and I am a mess. I am a writer, but haven't been able to sit down and complete my current manuscript. This video made me realize why: my husband was my first reader. He also proofread my final draft. And he was my biggest fan. No one else can take his place in this. I simply don't trust that my own judgement is enough.

[@susancurd2339]

Non of these surprised me and I do have them all. I do feel left alone and exhausted with all the pressure and responsibility!!

[@judithwallace2091]

Fortunately only one thing has changed.....that one thing is "everything". I cherish the moments that feel stable and solid. It helps me accept the deep losses.

[@dianeotteni306]

My husband passed,and on the day of his funeral I went home and found my house was cold,the furnace had broke down totally and had to get on the phone to the heating man and order a new furnace. My first decision on my own. I did it,then I thanked God that my sick husband didn't have to struggle in a cold house. Decisions are hard to make but I look forward to the future with thankfulness.

[@idahospudgirlidahospudgirl4998]

Another huge secondary loss was time spent together weekly on my days off from work, 90% of the time I would drive the 26 miles to spend time with Tristan , have lunch , go to the beach , do laundry , go on hikes , now I have to figure out what to do NOW, which I am filling my days off with different activities but the secondary loss of the things above are HUGE and play into my painful grief journey

[@fleurdelis7914]

The loss of a travel companion, loss of a dining out companion, cooking for one

[@jessenewberger1791]

2024 - my secondary losses are too many to name, so I will add just some of them. My husband and I have been together 44 years. We spent every free moment together making memories (some good/some bad, but memories none the less). We did home projects together, shopped together, went hiking together on weekends for hours on end, we camped as often as we could. You could say we were joined at the hip. We loved doing everything together. Life couldn't get any better. Then in 2008 I almost lost him to a traumatic brain injury. I had to go back to work and being separate from him was unbelievably hard. I would spend all my free time sitting with him in the ICU, then a step down unit where he learned to sit, eat and drink from a straw. He had to relearn everything all over again. It was like having an infant, a toddler a teenager, a young man and then over time I saw the glimpse of my old husband starting to emerge. I became his caregiver. Our lives had changed. Not only did I take care of him, but the bills, the house cleaning & cooking. Making auto repair appointments & multiple doctor and therapy appointments. 5 years later I lost my job, broke my ankle and needed emergency surgery to repair. Finding someone to watch him overnight was a big concern. The next day I was released from the hospital, still groggy from the meds and the person who watched my husband overnight was ready to go home. Didn't want to be here for either of us. My family and friends helped out when they could. They were a blessing. Eventually my husband regained his walking, talking etc and we spent more time together camping, dining out, shopping together and traveling. He passed away April 2024. Now it's just me. The pain is so deep, but it's hard to explain. I cry all the time. Every little thing brings back memories of him and us. I broke down into ugly tears yesterday as I looked at a light switch that he put in. My house is in need of some repairs. Everything seems to be falling apart structurally and electronically . It feels like this will take me forever, if at all to come to acceptance of this grief to move forward. It's only been 4 months and I'm not ready to let go. 💔😪

[@dollieschuster9106]

I'm so glad for this channel! I just now searched for this! My husband died at home in hospice in July 2021. My oldest daughter was diagnosed with ALS just before Mother's Day in 2022, and she died in December 2022. I don't want to zero in on the details. I just need to know how to proceed in this process. This channel is a true answer to prayer. I'm now subscribed and will be notified of all the videos. I just celebrated my 74th birthday. Thank you!

[@starlightblue8552]

My beloved suffered a suicide loss in 2015. He felt it was 85% his fault and so didn’t deserve to be happy. Each year after that for the next 6 years someone very dear to him died unexpectedly. Still no grief therapy or healthy coping mechanisms, despite my heartfelt attempts to convince him he deserved to feel joy again and needs to see a grief therapist. Addictions overtook him. When he finally did start grief therapy, Covid came and shut everything down. April 2021, after a massive family betrayal, his broken heart could not take one more assault and he left this world via overdose. I found him after I awoke from a nap and have been blamed and or ignored by his family and friends since, despite 30 years of them knowing me. No memorial. No cards. No flowers. No support. I lost over half my family and several friends after this as well, due to my differing feelings on the way the pandemic was being handled, which they couldn’t accept. I am three years on this very lonely journey and still searching for that place of peace and purpose I had in the palms of my hands prior to his exit. Your channel helps a lot. Isolation is death. Grief will kill a person if support and compassion and kindness and coping skills are not there. My soulmate died of a broken heart. I won’t let that be my story. Too many secondary losses for me as well. I will find forgiveness in my heart again and one day this resentment will dissipate. Right now I’m struggling and certainly not thriving. But I’ll get there. 🙏

[@ErinJohnson-ys4bi]

Since I lost my daughter, I lost her, myself, hope, and my faith for a happy life. My entire life has been turned upside down.💔😢

[@donwalls8192]

My secondary loss is more like a tsunami than a ripple. My partner was a highly intelligent person while I was more the homemaker. All decisions were discussed. I’m coping by consulting with nephews who are in their midlife with lots of experience. There isn’t much grief support for gay couple available.

[@craftygirl17]

I’m so lonely without my mom.

[@marilynsabatino2674]

I struggle with making decisions on my own my husband and I did everything together no children and siblings live far away!!

[@esthersmart1351]

Having lost my husband recently I suddenly find myself having to care for the little farm including the animals. I know nothing about horses yet suddenly I am the primary cater for 3 race horses. Suddenly I am the farmer and that is just so hard and overwhelming.

[@wendysullivan1909]

This hit me yesterday .no one that says goodnight to.

[@nineangels7572]

I never hear my name called out. (Unless I'm at the Doctor or dentist & it's my turn.) My dad died, mom died 10 months later, 16 year old cat; 2 months after mom. I am single and these were my rocks, all 3 of them.💞♥

[@cwhitt2454]

I lost both parents within 11 weeks of one another his past year. After supporting and caring for them to their end, the secondary losses as their executor have been almost as difficult as losing them. These secondary losses were seemingly trivial to others but huge to me- closing their bank account, turning off a cell phone, cancelling a jury duty, selling a beloved vehicle, saying goodbye to their lawyer as I completed my duties in about 9 months was very difficult. I didn’t know what they were called but they were difficult and emotional.

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

I’m very ashamed of the grief. I ve been told I have pathological mourning. ( mom left the family when I was 7) then 2 sisters died. It was “would you get it together” Then in 2020 my dad died, my husband died, then my therapist of 5 yrs died. I surrender, I’m a guest house here for emotions. I don’t like this life I have. It’s too sad.

[@maureenandcolinisles47]

I believe I am a natural caregiver and took care of my wife who suffered numerous health issues in the latter years of her life. She passed away recently from the complications of Covid and now I feel that is a secondary loss which I am grieving on top of the major grief of losing my best friend of over 65 years. I feel I am just going through the motions each day without any real interest in anything. Thank you Jo for your very helpful suggestions how to navigate this life changing condition.

[@JanetBirdFuller]

So wise, compassionate & true. Your videos are greatly helping me with grief. Thank you.

[@l.u.5862]

Being a caretaker for my father. The healthcare professionals I had close contact with. He passed December 2022 in my home on hospice.

[@sharonlujan9497]

after the loss of my mom boyfriend and mother, I can feel myself gradually moving forward, the boyfriend was abusive at times an didnt really support me. even though I find myself still feeling lost and lik Tte Ill never find someone else to love and support me. thank you for helping me to move on!!!

[@Sishbadack]

Grocery shopping caught me totally off guard . I would just out of habit grab things he liked and place in cart . It hit me hard when I had to make the connection he is not there . I left the story many times in tears . So I began charting a new course . Instacart! . It opened me to explode even different veggies and other things I hadn’t eaten before . Unloading groceries was his domain. Case of bottled water , I knew in winter I couldn’t manage alone. I am now able to return to neighborhood chain store . Yes I occasionally get teary eyes but I am much more in control of this simple weekly task . My fear of winter driving and hauling in groceries is gone . It’s a relief to not get caught in rip tide of secondary loss.

[@janbethel6447]

Who for an emergency contact? Floored me there wasn’t really for a time anyone there in my environment 🧚🏾‍♂️🧚🏻‍♀️

[@joanneconte1942]

Lack of support from my partner’s siblings. They are hanging on to one fight about money. I apologized yet she was screaming at me.

[@joannedobkin3363]

The loss of my mother came with the loss of my closest sibling. Why you may ask ? Because I wanted her support helping my mom and then for her to be there when my mom passed. Now she with her husband are on a power trip over my mothers estate. I lost my mom, my sister but also in the sale of my childhood home a place to reflect on memories. I’m forbidden to know who is buying that home or access to just be inside where all those memories happened. I’ve been treated like a non person by my family. My mother was my cheerleader she gave me my identity. My brother in law gave me a few hours to obtain my belongings left in the home and laughed with some stranger outside the home laughter I could hear with the windows open. I’m crying and he’s laughing. 😢

[@Strykehjerne]

With this model.. you physically need to be living in the bronze age... Let , me tell you. They dealt with this kind of thinking better than this.. you are not obliged to live in the past or listen to the group and it's inheritance.. you will probably get lost listening to this kind of "help" .. it is as retrospective as it.. is placing responsibility for the past on your shoulders.. Do not accept this kind of message.. she's doing fine without you but she'd make more money if you liked the stuff she's saying

[@silkbuttons]

Being 100% alone

[@dottirubino9781]

That wasn't very helpful video thank you as a widow for 16 years I have had many secondary losses Plus primary losses

[@annelanders2462]

I'm not even sure what *I* want to do....everything was wrapped around *us*.

[@lyndabanks2444]

I lost my Dad 2.5 years ago, you've touched on so many situations I relate to. Thank you for providing these videos.

[@user-zq7gl9tx3y]

For the loss of your spouses ,children , friends , parents & siblings , neices & nephews ! I am deeply sorry bc I have experienced so much also ! Everyday is now different in a different way every day !

[@jodiegall3366]

All of these things, the loss of my father of my children, to suicide and loss of a partner to heart attack, and now the loss of my father, and the loss of a good friend several

[@berylmcnally4127]

Thank you. It felt you were talking to me. Just lost my best friend of 30 years plus and its scary. Don't know how I am going to make it

[@reginabyers5378]

I knew nothing about secondary loss and was totally unprepared.

[@blakeharrison3972]

My wife lost her brother 2 years ago, how can I as her husband help her in grieving

[@grieftherapist]

I am glad you are seeking information! See if this helps...kzbin.info/www/bejne/m4O4eHmPa5xnn8k

[@c.brownell8618]

Sounds so simple but in fact so full of devastation.

[@arlenefarmer5477]

All of them thank you for talking I am going thur it all I lost my husband 😢

[@dianeertl5056]

Doing his last income return.

[@matheldas]

i lost so many friends through the death of my husband.

[@jennycottrill1739]

I lost my 28 year old daughter last year to suicide. The grief has been enormous and engulfing. I'm not sure if it will ever be ok. Thank you for your video and suggestions for grief recovery. The one thing that I struggle with is explaining it to others. Looking forward to seeing more videos.

[@jillgran490]

💙

[@grieftherapist]

Navigating Secondary Losses can be exhausting. Share your suggestions that have worked for you!! If you want to learn about joining my private online membership called The Grievolution Collective you can find information here. www.jomcrogers.com/grievolution-collective.html

[@denisecarroll9736]

I wish you would address the loss of an adult child and how difficult it is for the family and for the parents of that child

[@Thomasfrohwitter]

No matter who we lost, it’s a painful experience Denise. Just try to hold yourself and remain strong for others. Hope you’re trying to be strong with time Denise?

[@craftygirl17]

Denise I’m so sorry, that would be very difficult I can’t imagine, my heart goes out to you. Losing a child at any age is a whole different type of loss. That would be devastating. I worry about my son he’s been going through a rough time off and on with an addiction and I always have this in the back of my mind, if I ever lost him to this I think I would never be the same.

[@maseyez1]

Thank you everyone for sharing. I was struggling ……. I don’t feel soooo alone reading many of the comments. I nursed my Mum for a short period earlier this year in January/Febuary as she had a shock diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She was brave and the matriarch of our family. I miss our funny long distance phone calls and advice delivered with much humour. Shortly after her passing. my beautiful loving husband was diagnosed With esophageal cancer. Such a shock. He passed await June. Two of the most important people on this planet to me. The secondary losses have come thick and fast. Some of the most brutal experiences have comes from my husbands family and trusted friends…. Vying for everything my husband and mother left for me to take care of. Learning how to run a business, fix irrigation for our vege garden has been interesting but I do not resentment it these lessons. Just sadness and missing my Knight in shining armour who cultivated love and a beautiful life with me and our children for 26 years. ❤️

[@pigletsbank437]

Numerous "friendships", activity's we did together, chatting, laughing, decide what to buy this week, the cooking and eating together all is gone. The technical things I personally don't mind. Biggest secondary loss for me was help with a little thing in my daily routine :take of my compression stokkings that could have led to loss in of my independence with having to wait every night for a prof care giver. Fortunately there is a machine available and I can do it myself😅. Now it's cooping with the heat and how to pick up our passion travel alone😢

[@ursulaferrell2600]

My niece passed away may 7th 2022 . I feel like not having her around, I could always talk to her about a issue and she was a buffer for my sister and myself if we had disagreements. And missing the times we would sing together and talk on phone. And not having the family name go on is sad 😢.she was one of a kind. 😢❤😇🙏

[@elderlypoodle9181]

Excellent words. All of those secondary losses apply to me. The furnace filter one I actually laughed. So true!!!

[@valeriesmith9626]

This video was very helpful the part where the secondary loss says doing things that you're partner used to do, now you have to do is sometimes hard and painful but must be done.

[@dotthompson9146]

Text

[@dotthompson9146]

❤😂❤

[@kellynelsonmcg]

Safety and trust and independence. Thanks Jo. You re right on.

[@dotthompson9146]

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[@dotthompson9146]

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[@dotthompson9146]

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[@tinastablein9529]

All of them.

[@dredwardchisnall1017]

Such a sure a calm look at the reality of grief. I fought to keep my wife with me in vascular dementia until the very end. You address almost all of the painful areas of my life just now but above all you give me hope that I can adapt to and feel the reality of my grief for Mary’s death without my suffering when I should be thankful she passed so peacefully. You are a kind and wise lady, clearly spoken and such a deep thinker, yet able to address the everyday. Thank you. Edward.

[@librarylover6414]

Do I still have 3 children ? I need to talk about her in the present.

[@grieftherapist]

Yes.. grief needs to be witnessed in the present always.🙏🏻

[@maryellenstankovich1511]

I lost my fiancée and my mom within 2 months of each other just this year. 😢

[@mikedewitt5495]

A simple phone call from or to the person.